Vignette 2 - Fire Emblem, with a French Twist
Another day, another march of the Order of Heroes towards the next battle in the conflict between the forces of Askr and Embla. For this mission, however, they were taking a slight detour to seek out what could prove to be a boon to their efforts: an add-on to the Summoner's main weapon, Breidablik! The ensemble of warriors had been traveling a good distance when they came upon a most curious sight. The band was looking at a rather large fortress that, much to the befuddlement of Kiran, the Askran royal siblings, and Anna, wasn't on the map-and they had a pretty up-to-date map! (Sloppy, Askr's cartography corps was most definitely not!) Making a note to puzzle over this development another day, the group decided amongst themselves that they'd see if whoever oversaw the fort would allow them to stay the night before moving out the following morning. Two of the Heroes stepped forward to see if they could get the attention of anyone in the fort.
"HELLO!" called out Gatrie of Tellius.
"Anyone there?!" followed Amelia of Magvel.
After a few moments without response, a helmeted head, with a mustached and tiny-bearded face, appeared over the top of the fort's left wall.
"'Allo! 'Oo is it?" the figure asked from a distance, in an accent unfamiliar to all but Kiran.
Alfonse and Sharena stepped forward. "We are Princess Sharena and Prince Alfonse of the Kingdom of Askr!" Sharena responded in turn. "With us are members of the Askran Order of Heroes! Whose fortress is this?"
"This is the fortress of my master, Guy de Lombard," the soldier answered.
Alfonse continued from there after Sharena nodded for him to do so. "We're currently searching for an upgrade for our Summoner's primary tool, Breidablik! Please inform your master that, if they will give us food and shelter for the night, we'd be glad to let them accompany us in our quest!"
The soldier on the wall didn't take long to reply. "Well, I'll ask 'im, but I don't think 'e'll be very keen-'e's already got an upgraded Breidablik, you see?"
Hearing this completely surprised the group, if their widening eyes and agape mouths were any indicator.
Why, in the pit of my stomach, do I have a feeling of where this is going...? Kiran thought to himself with a minute sense of foreboding.
"Excuse me, WHAT?" Anna asked, flabbergasted by the soldier's statement.
"How can they already have one?" Princess Fjorm of Nifl asked confusedly.
"I thought Kiran had the only one in existence," Peony of Ljósálfheimr added, just as confused.
"Pardon my language, but I'm calling bull on this," Leif of Thracia said as he stepped forward, eyes narrowed in the soldier's direction. "Are you certain they've got one?" he pointedly asked.
"Oh yes, it's ver' naahs," the soldier said in turn, before he secretly looked to his fellow soldiers who were hiding behind the wall's top. "I told 'em we've already got one!" he said mirthfully in whisper, causing the others to snicker.
Leif's skepticism was soon echoed by some of the other Heroes. "Very well..." began Igrene of (future) Elibe, eyes also narrowed in the soldier's direction. "Mind if we come up and have a look?"
"Of course we do!" the soldier responded quite defensively. "You are English-types!"
Some among the heroes traded more befuddled looks with one another. "English...?" Jakob of Nohr asked, scratching his head.
Deciding to play this out, with a sigh, Kiran spoke up before anyone else could ask 'What are English?'. "Well, what are you then?"
"Ah'm French!" the soldier replied indignantly. "Why do you think I have this out-rrrageous accent, you silly hooded fellow?!"
"Outrageous is being right," an un-amused Petra of Fódlan, she with her own distinct accent, muttered.
"What are you doing on the continent of Zenith?" Anna asked, trying to clarify things.
"Mind your own business!" the soldier replied snidely.
It was then that another Hero, Hector of (present) Elibe, stepped forward, his brows furrowed as he pointed towards the soldier. "Look here, you, we've been perfectly reasonable up to this point. If you won't allow us to verify your claim, we aren't above breaking down your doors to do so!"
"You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs!" the soldier bit back.
Unsurprisingly, a lot of the Heroes didn't take too kindly to the insult slung their way. "PIG-DOGS?!" a fuming Sharena repeated through gritted teeth as she clenched her fists.
"Go and boil your bottoms, children of silly people!" the soldier continued, either unaware of or purposefully ignoring Sharena's ire. "Ah blow my nose at you, so-called 'Alfunze and Sharrie Preenze'! You and all you silly Ass-kur Odor of Zzzzzzeroes!"
The group of Heroes alternated between looks of further befuddlement and frustration when the soldier then proceeded to clap on the metal of his helmet while blowing a series of raspberries at them.
"What a strange person," Lute of Magvel remarked, which drew wide-eyed stares from some of her fellow Heroes, considering this was Lute who had said this.
"All right, you," began Selena of Nohr (better known as Severa of (future) Ylisse), "I've had just about enough of-"
"Ah don' wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough wiper!" the soldier said, interrupting her and causing the vein on her forehead to grow just a bit bigger. "Aaah fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!"
"HEY!" shouted both Robin and Cordelia of (present) Ylisse, glaring as they popped up alongside Selena. "Said mother and father happen to be standing right here!" Cordelia further added, pointing to both Robin and herself.
Not liking the way this was going, Linde of Archanea stepped in to try and diffuse the tension. "Is there someone else up there we can talk to?" she asked.
"No!" the soldier answered. "Now go away, or Ah shall taunt you a second time!"
It was then that Bartre of (future) Elibe drew his axe. "I don't know about the rest of you, but since it's clear diplomacy failed, it's time for action! Who's with me?!" His call to arms was met with a good number of cheers from some of the other Heroes, who drew their own weapons, be they melee, long-range, or magical. "CHAAAARGE!" he cried out as he began running towards the fort, those same others following him on either foot, horseback, or winged steed.
Kiran gave himself a facepalm, already having an idea of what they were in for. "For the love of-people, people, stop! You're gonna be running right into-!"
The Summoner's words came too late when all of a sudden, a loud *TWANG* was heard, followed by a loud *BUCK-KAW!*, and soon Bartre found himself hit in the face by...a chicken?
"OI! Get this dag-blamed bag o' feathers offa me!" he shouted while swiping his free hand at the frantic fowl currently adorning his countenance. Soon some of the other Heroes, wide-eyed with shock, scattered as they evaded more poultry projectiles launched by the French catapult. And not just chickens...
"Cain! Duck!" shouted Mamori of Tokyo as the young armor-clad girl jumped out of the way.
"Huh?" Cain of Altea said before his face found an unexpected visitor with a loud *QUACK!*, forcing him to stop his horse while he tried to get the daffy creature off of himself. It wasn't long before non-fowl farm denizens were being launched by the French, who laughed, jeered and teased from their perch above the fortress wall.
"Yipe!" let out Claude of Fódlan, as he and fellow royals (as well as students of Garreg Mach Officer's Academy) Dmitri and Edelgard evaded a couple of sheep and a goat, who thankfully landed in some bushes.
"Sweet Sothis's silk stockings..." Edelgard muttered in utter confoundment over the spectacle she was both witness of and unwilling participant in.
"FALL BACK! EVERYONE FALL BACK!" Alfonse called out as he, Sharena, Anna, and Kiran ducked behind a ridge.
"*Ugh* This is utterly ridiculous..." Sharena lamented, a large sweat drop by her head.
"No way I'm letting the scribes take all this down," Anna concurred as she observed the other Heroes while they ran from the French-accented barnyard bombardment.
Arthur of Nohr's eyes bugged out as soon as he spotted another creature headed towards him and the three Fódlan royals. "SWINEY SALVO INCOMING!" he shouted fearfully.
The royals joined him in the bugged-out eyes department as they noticed the inbound squealing missile. "What do you know? Today's the day pigs fly," Claude grimly mused. Before any of them could feel the impact of pigskin on their own skins, a blue, black and gold blur zipped by them as another Garreg Mach student, the usually-shy and withdrawn Marianne, caught the pig in a beautifully-executed interception any professional line-wide receiver would be envious of.
More jaw-dropping from her comrades ensued as Marianne swiftly caught the other animals launched their way and set them gently down on the ground. Just when it seemed like the Heroes would get a reprieve, another *TWANG* of the French catapult was heard, followed by a very audible...
*MOOOOOOO!*
The Heroes soon saw the cow that had been launched heading towards them, and Marianne leaped into the air, where she proceeded to catch the literal live(stock) ammo with a strength that belied her petite frame before coming in for a near-perfect landing. Upon setting the cow down, the grateful creature let out another *Moo!*, which, were one able to speak its native tongue, would translate as 'My hero!'.
The Fódlan royals weren't paying attention to this, as their thoughts were focused more on Marianne herself...while looks of a more foreboding nature appeared on their faces, an action found on the other Garreg Mach students in the contingent of Heroes. "Uh-oh..." Edelgard, Dmitri, and Claude all said simultaneously.
"What? What do you mean, 'uh-oh'?" Kiran asked. The royals turned to him, Alfonse, Sharena, and Anna before one of them answered.
"Let's just say our French foes are really in for it now..." Claude warned.
"Um, why?" Alfonse asked.
"...Let me put it this way," Edelgard started to explain. "At Garreg Mach, everyone and their mother knows how much Marianne loves animals."
"In turn," Dmitri added, "she absolutely hates any form of animal cruelty with a passion unmatched by anyone else."
"You so much as literally kick a puppy," Claude chimed in, "and you'll be earning a lengthy hospital stay, courtesy of Marianne's 'other side'."
Hearing that part made the eyes of Kiran, the Askr royals, and Anna widen considerably. "...'Other side'?" Sharena asked in a small voice.
The Fódlan royals slowly nodded. "We've got a bit of a saying," Claude began. "'Woe betide those who incur the wrath of...'Brawler' Marianne.'" The other Garreg Mach students in the party shuddered on hearing that.
Claude's statement also caused Kiran, Anna, Alfonse, and Sharena's eyes to widen further as they looked towards the bluenette Garreg Mach student in question. "'Brawler' Marianne?!'"
Speaking of, Marianne looked up towards the direction of the fortress, a grim, determined expression now on her face. When she spoke, it wasn't with her usual soft, quiet tone.
"Dmitri, your gauntlets, please," she said as she held out her right hand without turning around.
Dmitri looked between Claude and Edelgard, before remembering that when Marianne spoke that way, she wasn't making a simple request. He proceeded to remove his metal gauntlets and handed them to her, which she took and then donned on each hand. She then began storming her way towards the fort, 'borrowing' a grappling hook from Matthew of Elibe (who was too stunned to resist) as she did. When she reached the wall, she swung the rope until releasing the hook, which gained purchase right on the other side of the wall the initial French soldier they met was peering over, much to said soldier's surprise. Marianne then climbed up the wall, and when she reached the ledge, she jumped over it, further surprising the soldiers. And that...was when the brutality began. Soon the Heroes could hear the makings of one of the most intense royal beatings ever to have occurred being visited upon the French soldiers, all at the hands of Marianne, of all people.
"What ze-? Zut alors!"
"Mon dieu!"
"SACRE BLEU!"
The Heroes just stood there, eyes wide and mouths agape with shock, occasionally wincing as the sounds of bones being broken and Frenchmen being tossed about like ragdolls reached their ears. Finally, after several minutes, the sounds stopped. Marianne then reappeared above the wall, where she proceeded to plant an Askran flag.
"The fortress...is ours!" she shouted triumphantly while pumping her free fist, before activating the mechanism that unlocked the doors.
The other Heroes looked to one another warily, before walking towards the fortress. Once inside, the looked towards the courtyard, where they shared a collective wince upon seeing the pile of battered, broken, groaning French soldiers, before they were joined by Marianne, who jumped down from her position atop the wall, her demeanor shifting back to its usual setting the moment she touched the ground, further astonishing her comrades. She then excused herself to go check on the animals she'd saved.
By the day's end, the Heroes had secured the fort, with Anna having arranged for the Frenchmen to be given medical treatment. She also instructed the scribes to add a new policy to the code of conduct for the Order of Heroes: that all members were strongly encouraged to take great care of any and all animals under their watch. (With, in the fine print, 'Or else: woe betide those who incur the wrath of 'Brawler' Marianne'.)
**Author's Note(s)**
This vignette came about in no small part while being inspired by arktoons's 'Brawler Marianne' pieces, which are both cool and hilarious. (Also, I apologize to any French readers who may feel insulted by this.)