Vignette 4 - Oh, What's in a Name...?

*Disclaimer: The following contains innuendo as the backbone of the comedy within the segment. If you're averse to such, make like a Danish prince once suggested and get thee to a nunnery.*

"I am so, so sorry about this, guys."

Those were the words that came from one of the newest recruits to the Order of Heroes: Alara, one of a pair of twin divine dragon royal siblings from the newly-discovered Realm-XI, also known as the World of Rings. (No, not the Tolkien kind of rings.) She and her twin brother Alear could definitely stand out in a crowd, thanks mainly to both sporting heterochromatic eyes and hair color. Presently, Alara was on one of her first missions as part of the Order of Heroes, as part of a small squad made up of Kiran the Summoner, Korrina of Realm-VI (one of two divine dragon royal siblings of the kingdom of Valla), Ephraim of Realm-IV (one of two royal siblings of Renais, on the continent of Magvel), and Edelgard of Realm-X (imperial princess of Adrestria, on the continent of Fódlan). Specifically...all were currently captives of a troop of Emblian soldiers, who had confiscated their weapons (currently lying in a cart following them), tied them up, and were leading them to the main field headquarters building where their commanding officer was stationed.

"It's all right, Alara," Kiran said reassuringly. "This sort of thing happens to the best of us."

"Take it from me, I've been where you are," Korrina added sympathetically. "Look at it this way, now we both have something in common aside from being divine dragon royals."

"Still, I should've been more wary of the script that production assistant showed me with all the last-minute changes," Alara said with a hint of regret.

"What, did the note that emphasized you running towards the Emblian soldiers while yelling 'Leeroy Jenkins' not set off enough red flags for you?" Edelgard asked with more than a hint of skepticism, if her arched eyebrow and minorly sarcastic tone weren't enough as indicators.

"I did ask about the why behind it!" Alara replied defensively. "They pointed to the underlined portion that said 'Because: rule of funny'!"

"I wonder where that PA ran off to anyway..." Ephraim pondered.

-X-

From behind a tree, observing the march with a mirthful grin on their face, the 'production assistant' revealed themselves to be the lady trickster Loki of Ásgarðr, who had bedeviled the Order of Heroes on a number of occasions. Giggling, she looked our way briefly.

"As they say in rustic circles: ain't I a stinker?" she posed with a wink.

-X-

Eventually, the captives and their captors arrived at the garrison building, the field captain at the head of the proceedings. Once inside, they were to meet with the Emblian commander overseeing the operations in this area.

"All bow before Lady Gaudias al Getout!" the captain commanded, to which he and his troops did, the captives 'nudged' to do the same, much to the annoyance of Ephraim and Edelgard. From there, the lady in question appeared before them.

She definitely lived up to what her name riffed on, as she looked and was dressed like a stereotypical aristocratic woman, though her garb was quite gaudier and more flamboyant than one would typically picture for an anime-stylized JRPG franchise like Fire Emblem. In other words...she came off as something of the equivalent of a character played by frequent Mel Brooks collaborator Madeline Kahn, the closest anime equivalent being Martina from the cult-favorite franchise The Slayers. Adding further to the comically villainous archetype she represented was the Elmer Fudd-esque lisp in her voice the moment she said something.

"Well done, Captain Zandew," she commended, eyeing Alara in particular as she moved in closer. "Hmm...You-what is youw name, giwl?"

Alara, maintaining a bit of stoicism, answered bluntly. "Alara, ma'am."

"'Alawa', eh?"

Alara, confused by what she thought was simple mispronunciation on Lady Gaudias's part, corrected her, emphasizing the 'r' in her name. "No, no. 'Alara'." Her correction was met with a *BONK* on the head by the rather light mallet held by Captain Zander. "Hey! What'd you do that for?"

Lady Gaudias let out a haughty laugh on seeing this. "Well now, the giwl has a bit of spiwit in hew, it seems."

Captain Zander expressed confusion at his commander's statement. "Has what, Milady?"

"Spiwit," Lady Gaudias emphasized. Seeing this interaction made the eyes of the captives widen a bit as they silently exchanged a look of slight confoundment.

"Er, I believe she used a sword, Milady," Captain Zander said, misunderstanding her words.

"No, no," Lady Gaudias began to correct him, "Spiwit-you know, bwavado, a touch of dewwing-do, that sowt of thing."

"Oh-um, I believe it was about eleven or so, Milady," Captain Zander said, again missing the point.

Lady Gaudias arched an eyebrow at her subordinate before returning her attention to Alara. "So...you and youw comwades dawe to waid us, do you?"

Alara was once again confused due to the woman's lisp. "To...what, Miss?"

Lady Gaudias furrowed her eyebrows at this. "Captain, stwike hew again, hawdew!"

Captain Zander did as ordered and swung the light mallet onto Alara's head.

*BONK*

"HEY! Cut it out!" Alara bit back, more annoyed than before.

Undaunted, Lady Gaudias sneered at Alara. "Now then, you wascally giwl..."

"I am NOT just a girl, I'm a divine dragon!" Alara responded in turn. Her fellow heroes looked at Alara concernedly. "What's the harm? I'm not giving anything else important away!"

Ignoring that last part, Lady Gaudias expressed curiosity about Alara's admission. "A divine dwagon, you say?"

Again mistaking her lisp for mispronunciation, Alara corrected the noblewoman. "No, no, a divine dragon." Yet again, she was met with a *BONK* from Captain Zander's mallet. "Will you stop that?!" she said with a glare directed at the man, now more irritated than annoyed as she was before.

Unconcerned, Lady Gaudias continued to probe Alara. "So, this means you must be descended from another divine dwagon. Tell me, who in pawticulaw?"

"My mother is Queen Lumera of Elyos," Alara replied with a hint of pride.

"Pff-HAH!" Captain Zander scoffed with a disbelieving laugh, drawing another glare from Alara and eye-rolls from Kiran, Korrina, Ephraim (who was secretly using a hidden penknife to work his way through his bonds), and Edelgard.

Lady Gaudias, on the other hand, became a bit more curious. "Captain, do we know of a kingdom by that name?" she asked as she faced the man.

"...Well, no, Milady," Captain Zander answered.

"Weally? You seem quite confident about this-have you checked?"

"Well, no, Milady," Captain Zander replied. "I think it's a joke-she's probably trying to trick you by giving you a funny-sounding name. Like say, 'Lili Von Shtupp', or, or 'Bigaulle Schwanzstucker'."

On hearing that, some muted chuckling was heard from one of the soldiers; Edelgard, unbeknownst to the others, bit her lip to suppress something.

Lady Gaudias, on the other hand, arched her eyebrow. "...And what, pway tell, is so funny about Bigaulle Schwanzstucker?"

"Well, it's a jokey-sounding name, Milady," Captain Zander answered.

Lady Gaudias lightly furrowed both eyebrows as she stepped a bit past the captain. "It just so happens that I've a vewy gweat fwiend in the uppew echelons of Emblian high society by the name of Bigaulle Schwanzstucker." Suppressed chuckling was again heard from the same soldier, which made Lady Gaudias step up immediately to him, causing him to go stone-faced instantly. "Silence!" she ordered in a scolding manner. "What is all this insolence fwom you? You'll find youwself back in basic twaining swiftly, by behaving so wudely!"

The captives briefly looked at one another, befuddled by this odd turn of events (except for Edelgard, again biting her lip to suppress her own chuckling). "Er...may we go now?" Kiran asked. "I mean, it looks like you've got some disciplinary measures to handle, so..." Before he could finish, Captain Zander bonked him on the head with the mallet. "Ow! God, that's annoying..."

Not acknowledging this, Lady Gaudias shook her head disapprovingly as she turned from the soldier. "Just wait till Bigaulle Schwanzstucker hears about this..." Hearing the name caused the same soldier to again chuckle (and Edelgard to keep biting her lip), putting Lady Gaudias's disapproving gaze back on him. "That's IT-Captain Zandew, take him away!"

The captain looked at his commander concernedly. "But-but look, Milady, he only-"

"No excuses!" Lady Gaudias interrupted him. "I want him in the awena fighting all mannew of wuffians, cutthwoats and bwigands before the week is out!"

Sighing, Captain Zander shook his head as he accosted the soldier. "Yes, Milady. All right, come on you, you brought this on yourself..."

The soldier paid no heed, as he was too busy guffawing over the name. So focused on this were the Emblians that no one noticed Ephraim continuing to covertly undo his bonds, before moving on to Korrina's.

Lady Gaudias continued on her partial-tirade. "I will NOT stand fow my fwiends being widiculed by gwunts like you!" She then leveled a glare at the soldiers around her, before getting up close to one of those on either end of the captives. "Anyone else feel like a tiny...tittew...when I mention my good fwiend...Bigaulle...[Another soldier began to chuckle.]...Schwanzstucker?"

The chuckling from the other soldier grew audible enough that it drew Lady Gaudias straight to him. "And what about you, soldiew? Are you finding it to be quite...wisible?...When I uttew the name...Bigaulle [The soldier continued to hold in his chuckling as best as he could.]...Schwanzstucker?"

At that point, the two soldiers guarding the captive Heroes began to chuckle themselves (while straining to mask it), until Lady Gaudias's gaze turned on them. (While this was happening, Ephraim managed to get both himself and Korrina free, and the two proceeded to covertly undo the bonds on Kiran, Alara, and Edelgard.) She walked towards them before coming to a stop, leveling a wary set of eyes on them as they quickly tried to maintain their composure. "...He's got a vewy lovely wife, by the way. Know what her name is?" Both soldiers shook their heads as they struggled to keep a straight face. "Hew name is...Lady Tigolle." She paused for dramatic effect, before quickly uttering, "Lady Tigolle Bittes."

Hearing this caused the two soldiers, along with the rest of their comrades, to immediately burst into laughter. "SHUT UP!" Lady Gaudias ordered. "What do you think you'we doing?! I've had enough of youw smawt-alecky sniggewing and guffawing!" Her commands proved to be in vain, as the soldiers couldn't stop their laughing fit. "BE QUIET! You call youwselves Emblian soldiers? You'we all acting like-" Her train of thought was interrupted when she noticed the prisoners had escaped their bonds and managed to abscond with the cart holding their confiscated weaponry, as well as put a good deal of distance between them and their captors. "SEIZE THEM! AFTEW THEM! Blow your bloody noses and gwab them befowe they get away!"

Meanwhile, many miles away, the squad of Heroes had managed to make it to the outskirts of Askr territory, and were stopping to catch their breath, considering how much they ran.

"*Huff* Well, that will go down as one of the strangest escapes I've ever made," Ephraim commented.

"Same here," Korrina concurred.

"I'd say we lucked out, big time," Alara added. "What about you, Edelgard?...Edelgard? Are you all right?"

It was at that point that the proverbial dam burst and the axe-wielding princess of Adrestria uncharacteristically burst into laughter as she fell to her knees, her hands clutching at her sides.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, goddess, I didn't think I was going to make it until we left!" she said, laughing till she started to tear up, her face almost as red as half of Alara's hair from the effort.

All but Kiran stared at Edelgard, nearly-speechless at the sight, considering how they'd usually interacted with her back at Askr Castle. (Kiran already had a good idea of what was so funny.)

"Uh, Edelgard?" Alara started to ask. "Why are you laughing?"

"...Is it about that name the weird noblewoman kept saying?" Korrina asked.

Edelgard slowly stood back up as she tried to regain her composure. "Admittedly," she replied, a chuckle still in her voice. "It's just that, 'Schwanzstucker' has a totally different meaning in my native language. One with more...ribald connotations. Something I'm guessing Lady Gaudias had no idea of at all, the ditz..."

"What does it mean, anyway?" Alara asked very curiously.

Edelgard walked up to her side before answering. "It means..." she started to say, before whispering into Alara's ear, the act covered by her left hand. Korrina leaned in to listen, and by the time Edelgard finished her explanation, both divine dragon royals were quite astonished...among other feelings.

"OH," both said while blushing heavily, considering just what the meaning entailed.

**Author's Note(s)**

-For my personal take on aspects of Fire Emblem 'canon', I've opted for the approach of making all the 'avatar/player' characters into sets of twin siblings. Thus, you'll see Kris alongside 'Kyria' from New Mystery of the Emblem; Robin and 'Regan' from Awakening; Corrin and 'Korrina' (and therefore 'Kuro' and Kana) from Fates; 'Byron' and Byleth from Three Houses; Shez and 'Shayla' from Three Hopes; and lastly, Alear and 'Alara' from Engage.

-In contrast to the nomenclature of Heroes, I've designated the worlds of the Fire Emblem multiverse in a manner akin to classic comic book tropes. Thus, we have:

Realm-I (Shadow Dragon (and the Blade of Light)/Echoes: Shadows of Valentia (and by extension, Gaiden)/(New) Mystery of the Emblem (and by extension, BS Fire Emblem)/Awakening)

Realm-II (Genealogy of the Holy War/Thracia 776)

Realm-III (The Binding Blade/The Blazing Blade/Hasha No Tsurugi (with minor tweaks))

Realm-IV (The Sacred Stones)

Realm-V (Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn)

Realm-VI (Fates)

Realm-VII (Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE)

Realm-VIII (Fire Emblem Heroes)

Realm-IX (Fire Emblem Warriors)

Realm-X (Three Houses/some of Three Hopes)

Realm-XI (Engage)