Vignette 5 - What the Inquisition Wasn't Expecting...
The atmosphere was a bit tense as the two parties met in the middle of the courtyard of the large fort, deemed neutral enough territory for the parlay to take place. On one side were Kiran, Anna, Alfonse, and Sharena, accompanied by a small mix of leading Heroes: Marth and Caeda of Realm-I, Eldigan of Realm-II, Titania and Soren of Realm-V, and Hinoka of Realm-VI. On the other side was Emblian Imperial Princess Veronica, her masked older brother Bruno (also known as the Askr royals' former friend Zacharias), and a small cohort of their troops. Both Alfonse and Veronica stepped forward.
"Thank you for agreeing to meet with us, Princess," Alfonse said. "I hope we can put this particular matter to rest before too long."
Veronica arched an eyebrow before replying. "That will depend on just what the matter has to do with me."
"Right then, I'll get to the point," Alfonse said. "We've been receiving reports of raids by bands of strange ruffians on towns near the border of our two nations. Said ruffians were all dressed in red-specifically, a shade of red just like the one worn on Emblian uniforms."
"Your point being?" Veronica posed, eyebrow still arched.
Sharena then stepped in to ask the question Veronica knew was already on Alfonse's tongue. "Are these thugs doing this at your behest, or aren't they?"
Veronica's eyebrows narrowed. "No, they most certainly are not raiding at my behest. I've no idea who this band of rogues are with a shade of red similar to Embla red."
"Are you positive about this?" Sharena asked, a bit more firmly than before.
"*Ugh* Of course I'm positive!" Veronica answered irritably, pinching the bridge of her nose in exasperation. "Honestly, I agreed to come here to validate my innocence in all this. I certainly wasn't expecting an inquisition!"
Right then and there, the whole situation now made sense for Kiran, who realized what was going to happen next. Oh, no...he thought grimly to himself.
Suddenly, the gates to the courtyard burst open to the sound of a jarring musical sting, surprising all present, as three men-all Cardinals-swiftly stepped in between both parties. All three wore red robes and golden crucifixes around their necks; the middle one, clearly the leader, had a neatly-trimmed Van Dyke beard with a slim mustache and wore a wide-brimmed red hat; the one to his right had a more bushy mustache and wore purple gloves and, anachronistically, a turn-of-the-century aviator's leather cap with goggles; the one to his left wore a red cowl and had a small goatee, and held a tool of some sort in his hands.
"NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!" the lead Cardinal exclaimed smugly.
After a beat, the Askran royals, Veronica, and Bruno exchanged befuddled looks. "They are most definitely NOT with me," Veronica stated. Bruno, briefly looking our way, held up a small sign that said:
Ye olde TH' F***?!
On the Askran end, Marth and Caeda looked to Kiran confusedly. "Umm...Spanish?" Marth asked.
"I'll explain later," Kiran muttered.
The leader of the trio of Cardinals then spoke again. "All, pay heed-now enters his holiness: Torquemada, the Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition!" The sound of a gong soon got the attention of both Askran and Emblian forces, who then noticed that suddenly more of the Spanish Inquisition had popped up within the fort, the courtyard itself having undergone a subtle transformation at their hands into something out of a Broadway production, though with more instruments of torture present. At the top of a center balcony, a hooded man in a fine red robe with a golden cord around his waist stepped forward, looming above his lackeys. (Anna noted, to herself, that he greatly resembled Rabbi Tuckman, only clean-shaven and with grayer hair.) The leader of the Cardinal trio who spoke earlier continued as he gestured towards the other man above him. "Torquemada: do not implore him for compassion! Torquemada: do not beg him for forgiveness! Torquemada: do not ask him for mercy!" The lead Cardinal then held a hand to the side of his mouth conspiratorially. "Let's face it, you can't Torquemada anything."
Another gong drew everyone's attention to Torquemada himself, his hands now held as if in prayer, as he spoke. "Let all those who wish to confess their evil ways, and to accept and embrace the true church, convert now..." He then held up one finger as he continued. "...Or forever burn in hell! For now begins...the Inquisition!" At that cue, a jaunty musical number began to play, courtesy of the off-screen orchestra, while Torquemada slid down a spiral slide attached to the balcony. On reaching the bottom, he was joined by the Cardinal trio and some monks as they all broke into a Busby Berkely-esque song-and-dance routine.
Torquemada:
The Inquisition-
(Let's begin!)
The Inquisition-
(Look out, sin!)
We have a mission-to convert all youse...!
(Youse-a-youse-a-you, you, youse!)
We're gonna teach ya-
(Wrong from right)
We're gonna help ya-
(See the light)
And make an offer, that ya can't refuuuse!
(That all'a youse just can''t refuse!)
Both Askran and Emblian parties just stared, slack-jawed, at the spectacle before them, unsure of what to make of it.
Confeeeeessss,
(Confess, confess)
Don't be bo-ring.
Say yeeessss,
(Say yes, say yes)
Don't be dull!
Torquemada and cronies:
A fact, you're ig-no-ring...
Torquemada:
It's better to lose your skullcap than your skull.
Kiran and Anna (both facepalming):
Oy, gevault.
Torquemada (sashaying onto a small dolley disguised as a piece of stone):
The Inquisition-
(What a show!)
The Inquisition-
(Here we go!)
We know you're wishin'...
Torquemada and cronies:
...That we'd go awaaaaayyyyy!
Torquemada (as his platform carries him off 'stage left'):
But the Inquisition's here and it's here to staaaaayyyyy!
Cardinals and monks (following Torquemada):
The Inquisition, oh boy!
The Inquisition, what joy!
The Inquisition, oy, oy!
Once Torquemada and his cronies were out of sight as the last music note hit, the sound of roughhousing was heard as suddenly, a few Inquisition monks were tossed onto the 'stage' from 'stage right'. The ones who did the deed revealed themselves as they walked in, and turned out to be more members of the Order of Heroes: Catherine and Shamir of Realm-X (the former with a monk slung over her right shoulder), Echidna of Realm-III (with a monk slung over each shoulder), and Rinkah of Realm-VI (carrying her club).
Kiran: "Catherine?"
Anna: "Shamir?"
Alfonse: "Echidna?"
Sharena: "Rinkah?"
"What are you doing here?" Hinoka asked.
Catherine and Shamir looked to each other briefly before the blonde swordswoman answered, unintentionally continuing the rhythm of the musical number.
Catherine:
We were sitting in a tavern, we were minding our own business, just enjoying a nice spirit-filled repast...
[She glared at the nervous Inquisition monk she held by the back of his collar.]
When these 'papist' persons plunged in, with their weapons set to bludgeon,
which necessitated that we kick their collective ass.
[She then unceremoniously tossed the monk onto the growing pile near them, dusting off her hands after doing so.]
Shamir:
They weren't considerate,
Quite impolite...
And should've known to never ruin a good old "girls' night".
Echidna [in a vaguely New York accent]:
We're sittin', eatin' chicken, gettin' correspondence from Ricken,
when these guys came in and knocked down both the walls.
Rinkah [also with a vague New York accent]:
We didn't even know 'em, but we sure knew where to throw 'em,
so we did, and also punched 'em in the balls.
Monk on Echidna's right shoulder [in a pained voice]:
Oy, the agony!
Monk on Echidna's left shoulder [same]:
Ooh, the shame!
Both monks:
To have our keisters kicked in by some dames!
Echidna then added both monks on her shoulders to the pile, just as a backflipping Torquemada and his cronies returned from 'stage right' to a drum roll. When Torquemada landed on his feet, the music resumed; he was unaware of what transpired, as well as his cronies suddenly cowering in fear at the glaring Catherine, Shamir, Echidna, and Rinkah. Amidst all this, a slowly-growing crowd of townsfolk had been gathering in and around the courtyard to watch all of this going down.
Torquemada:
The Inquisition-
Catherine/Shamir/Echidna/Rinkah:
What a joke.
Torquemada:
The Inquisition-
Catherine/Shamir/Echidna/Rinkah:
We just broke.
Torquemada:
We know you're wishin', that we'd go awaaaayyyy...!
The music stopped for the moment as Torquemada suddenly found himself in the collective clutches of Catherine on his right and Echidna on his left, his reverie halted as he nervously looked between all four glaring warrior women. Off to the side, Kiran signaled for the orchestra's conductor to skip right to the ending portion of the song, which he did as he quickly flipped his sheet music to the final page. From there, while the music began to resume, Catherine, Shamir, Echidna, and Rinkah continued as well...
Catherine/Shamir/Echidna/Rinkah [briefly looking towards the audience, both literal and beyond the fourth wall]:
Well, you all are gonna get your wish...
[All four turn back to Torquemada.]
So scram, or we'll gut you like a fish.
[All four bring their respective weapons-Thunderbrand, Survivalist Bow, Rearguard+, and Rinkah's Club-to bear.]
You wanna see what we can dish...?
Torquemada [fearfully]:
No waaaaaayyyyyy!
At that moment, Torquemada and his cronies proceeded to flee in the other direction, terrified of the retribution that would have been visited upon them had they stayed. From there, the four women, uncharacteristically, closed things out with their own synchronized song-and-dance moves.
Catherine/Shamir/Echidna/Rinkah:
Now the Inquisition's done, and it's gone...to-...-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
All four ladies flashed some jazz hands as they reached the big finish, and when the music ceased, the 'audience' comprised of townsfolk, the Askran forces, and the Emblian forces erupted into cheering, whistles, and applause. The four women then stood up and proceeded to take their bows. Rinkah was even handed a bouquet of roses from 'stage left', which she took with gleeful surprise.
"I knew all those times we joined in on choir practice at Garreg Mach would pay off someday," Catherine said to Shamir, who simply, drolly rolled her eyes a little in response.