Vignette 9 - Theodoric of York: Medieval Blacksmith
*And now, a minor additional crossover with...Saturday Night Live? (Wait, we can do that?)*
Narrator (with a very 'Don Pardo' voice):
"In the Middle Ages, metalwork was as important a trade as farming, medicine, masonry, or military service. The art of shaping metal into tools, armor, or weapons was conducted by those who had the teachings of the craft passed down from generation to generation, since the days where fire was first discovered. The medieval blacksmiths were pioneers to our era's modern metalworkers, and many of the techniques they developed are still practiced today.
This is the story of one such master of the forge."
Sitting in a chair as he overlooked the foundry he was in charge of, a Steve Martin-ish man with shoulder-length white hair was examining some pieces of scrap metal. He wore an apron, a black hat with white stitching, black pants and boots, and a white shirt underneath the apron. At this point in his musings, a very Dan Aykroyd-looking worker arrived to greet him.
"Good morrow to you, Theodoric of York!" the worker said with a wave; he notably had two fingers missing from his right hand. "Quite a lovely day we're having, isn't it?"
"Hello, Calvin, son of Devon the Porter," Theodoric greeted in turn as he rose from his chair. "Indeed it is. You're just in time for the start of your shift with the wheelwrights. I expect good work from you, as always."
"And like always, I'll endeavor to give you my best!" Calvin replied with a small salute of his three-fingered hand. He then walked over to a rack to pick up his apron and get to work.
Narrator:
"And now, it's time for another episode of:
Theodoric of York: Medieval Blacksmith"
"Oh, Broom-Gilda!" Theodoric called out for his longtime aide. Said aide, a woman who could be described as a 'Gilda Radner-type', appeared at his side on hearing him.
"You called, Theodoric?" she asked.
"How are we on the new equipment order for the Askran army?" he asked in turn.
"We should be well ahead of the initial completion schedule," Broom-Gilda answered. "The men have been running like clockwork to ensure all the units have been completed and ready for delivery."
"Good to hear," Theodoric answered. "I knew having the men working continuously over the span of four days was one of my better ideas. By dusk, I wager, we'll have produced so many weapons, armor, and implements that we practically couldn't give them away!"
Just then, a more colorful group of people entered the space that acted as Theodoric's 'office'. Said group came from the very force he'd mentioned earlier, and consisted of Commander Anna; the great knight Frederick, from the future of Realm-I; Realm-II's Ayra, a master swordswoman; Realm-V's Marcia, a Pegasus knight; and Effie of Realm-VI, an armored knight of impressive strength. Effie, in particular, looked quite constrained due to what appeared to be the oddly-proportioned, tighter-than-normal armor she was wearing. All of them had very pointed glares on their faces, directed squarely at Theodoric.
"Ah, and speaking of Askr's forces, welcome to my humble forge, Commander Anna of the Order of Heroes!" Theodoric greeted with a bow. "What brings you by? Checking up on the progress of the allotment we've been making for you?"
"...Something like that," Anna replied. "Consider this an impromptu inspection, of sorts."
"Oh?" Theodoric said confusedly. "What brought this on, if I may ask?"
"We've received some very firm complaints regarding your handiwork, Theodoric," Anna answered as she pointed to her companions. "These four are just some of the latest to present them." Said four nodded in affirmation.
"Well, I'll be glad to hear them out," Theodoric offered. "And if things are as bad as they say, I'll do everything humanly possible to rectify them. Bear in mind, we blacksmiths aren't gods. Metalwork, like any form of craftsmanship, is an inexact science-yet we are learning all the time. Why, just decades prior, we still-"
"Please save the spiel until you actually hear the complaints," Anna exhorted while pinching the bridge of her nose, as Ayra stepped forward.
"Last week, I had you repair one of my spare steel swords," Ayra began to explain as she unsheathed the weapon in question. "However, when I went to test it at the training grounds of Askr Castle, the moment I landed a blow on the dummy, not only did it bounce off the thing without so much as leaving a scratch-it actually made a sound swords aren't supposed to make!" To demonstrate her point, she made a swift stroke of the sword and slashed at a nearby wooden stool, only for the blade to actually bounce off the piece of furniture and make a funny-sounding *BOING* in the process, the same kind of comedic *BOING* heard when one is hit below the waist by a ball. "If I were to take this out with me in battle, not only would it be ineffective against my foes, I'd also be a laughingstock in their eyes!"
Theodoric did not appear to be fazed by Ayra's irritation. "Not to worry, my good woman, another round of hammering should bring your sword back to its usual deadliness."
"As if I'd trust you with it, considering what I just showed you!" Ayra bit back.
"Same with me and this iron lance I brought in three days ago!" Marcia fumed as she held said lance out. She briefly flicked the spearhead, and it proceeded to wiggle like Jell-O. "What kind of cockamamie materials are you using in this place?!"
"I assure you, young lady, that here at my foundry we utilize only the finest raw materials in our crafting," Theodoric said. "AND locally-sourced, we guarantee."
Effie then stepped forward...Or rather, waddled forward, thanks to how tight-fitting her armor was. "You call this a bloody suit of armor?!" she shouted in frustration. "Sure, it's not as heavy as my usual suit, but the fit and the proportions are the most asymmetrical I've ever seen!"
"And there is a good reason for that," Theodoric explained. "I had my men cobble it together using pieces from the bin of parts we couldn't find a match for. In spite of that, it should still offer you the utmost protection in battle. Plus, it matches, color-wise, your regular suit of armor, last I checked."
"Oh, you must be joking..." Effie grumbled as she gave herself a facepalm.
Theodoric then turned his attention to Frederick. "And what of you, sir knight? Armor or weaponry?"
Frederick, brows furrowed, turned a bit towards the foundry's entrance. "It's about my horse, actually-mainly, the horseshoes I had you fit them with." Said horse then proceeded to trot in-or rather, strut in, if the 'Stayin' Alive'-esque riff playing in the background and the disco-style platform soles under its feet were any indicator. Frederick then returned his glare to Theodoric. "Mine is a steed born and bred to ride into battle-not to mingle like a stud at Stable 54."
"Ah, but surely you'd see the tactical value in your steed riding into battle in style, would you not?" Theodoric offered.
"Surely, you jest," Frederick responded, totally unfazed by Theodoric's words.
Anna spoke up before Theodoric could reply to that. "These are just the tip of the iceberg, Theodoric. We've also gotten complaints about the conditions that your men work under-no breaks in-between shifts, insanely long hours, and utterly haphazard quality of safety, JUST to name a few."
"Nonsense-I tell you, my staff are quite satisfied in their place of work and with their work itself," Theodoric said.
It was then that a small explosion was heard in the background, the force enough to send Calvin the worker flying into a pile of scraps. "I'm okay!" he said as he raised a thumbs-up from the debris. Broom-Gilda, on the other hand, sighed with a shake of her head as she walked over to a sign that said Number of Days Without Accident: 3 and proceeded to switch out the '3' with a well-worn '0'. The sight of this was not doing Theodoric any more favors. "...I understand how this must appear to you, but-"
"No buts about it, Theodoric," Anna sternly said. "This foundry of yours has to be one of, if not the, worst operations I've ever seen. How you manage to stay in business is absolutely baffling! Just admit, for once, that you don't have a single idea of what you're doing!"
It was at this moment that Theodoric stepped towards us as a spotlight seemed to shine on him. "Wait a minute-perhaps she raises a great point. It is highly likely that I have been extremely lax and unintentionally cruel in the way I run my foundry, with the quality of the product we create suffering in the process. Maybe it no longer needs to be this way; I could allow my workers to unite themselves in a newer take on a guild, one that could be open to many others who work a similar craft as they-a union, of sorts. Together they could have the power to...to collectively bargain for things that would be in their shared best interests. And I could do my part as well, by perhaps implementing a new sort of scheduling system so as to not work them to the bone, with a set number of hours per week-maybe thirty-seven and a half, or even forty! I could provide benefits to them, such as coverage for their medical needs should they ever find themselves in an on-the-job accident. Speaking of, I could strive to better improve the working conditions of the foundry by investing in higher-quality safety equipment, or even allow myself to be subjected to the safety regulations enforced by the government! All this, as the prelude to a brighter future, for both labor and the consumer base we ultimately provide a valuable service for!..."
The instant he finished his profound monologue, he paused and gave what he'd just said some thought for a moment, before ultimately...with a dismissive handwave, he said "Naaaaaahhh!".
Narrator:
"Tune in next week, for another episode of
Theodoric of York: Medieval Blacksmith
When you'll hear Theodoric say..."
Theodoric reached into a drawer in his desk and pulled out a small sack full of gold coins. "I'm sure I could offer you some incentive to overlook my...meager infractions?" he asked Anna while offering the coins.
Anna, arms folded, intensified her glare. "I may come from a family of merchants, and yes, we may have something of an obsession with money...but we're not that shallow to be bribed so easily." She briefly glanced at Frederick and Effie. "I do believe a little jail time is in order for our 'enterprising' smith?" Both Frederick and Effie nodded as they moved to either side of Theodoric, lifted him up by the shoulders, and began to carry him off.
"Well, can't blame a fellow for trying..." Theodoric said with a brief shrug.