Vignette 10 - Nearly-Married to the Mob
Our attention now turns to the Emblian forces, as their leader, Imperial Princess Veronica, sat at a small table in a gazebo on a hill overlooking a rather peaceful-looking valley. She was meeting someone for a cup of tea and said someone was running a bit late. Just when she was about to reach for another scone, she heard footsteps on the path leading to the gazebo; upon looking towards the direction they were coming from, she found her expected guest finally arriving at a jogging pace, in spite of the armor they were wearing. Said guest, as it turned out, was the mysterious Flame Emperor from Realm-X, one of a number of antagonistic-types Veronica had summoned on her own end (or so she thought) in order to counter the forces of Askr's Order of Heroes. When they came to a stop at the gazebo entrance, Veronica could audibly make out what sounded like panting.
"*Sigh* Go ahead and take it off, Edelgard," Veronica implored. "This whole place has been swept for spies. Your secret remains safe with me."
On hearing that, the Flame Emperor eagerly took their helmet off, revealing themselves as none other than Edelgard, imperial princess of Adrestria. "*GASP* I can't breathe in this thing!" she said as she took the proffered seat on the other side of the table.
"I imagine it's a bit difficult, playing double-agent within the Order of Heroes," Veronica said while pouring her a cup of tea. "Especially with that outfit of yours."
"No jesting," Edelgard said in turn as she took a sip of the fresh tea. "Were it not for Hubert and his teleportation spells, it'd be even worse getting around. If I walk, the story would be over already."
"Agreed," Veronica concurred as she took a sip herself. The two were quiet for a short time as they sat and took in the scenery in front of them, before Veronica struck up a new conversation.
"Tell me, Edelgard," she began. "Are there times where you've regretted making certain...alliances?"
"May I ask where this is coming from?" Edelgard asked.
"Nowhere, really," Veronica answered. "Before you and those of your world were summoned, during the conflict with Múspell, I found myself making a bargain with that trickster, Loki. In hindsight, not one of my better decisions. I ask if you've ever had similar thoughts because I want to make sure I don't do the same going forward."
"...I see," Edelgard said. "Well, to answer your question, yes, there is one I wish I hadn't made. I believe I told you of the ones who gave me the Flame Emperor armor, correct?"
"Yes," Veronica replied. "'Those Who Slither in the Dark', correct? The same group who, if I recall from our earlier talks, conducted the experiments that made you and that other girl-Lysithea?-the way you are now?"
Edelgard nodded. "Though we both bear a significant grudge against the Church of Seiros in my world, and this is only an alliance of convenience, honestly speaking...there are times where I'd wish that I'd worked with the other group I sought out to help me achieve my goals."
Hearing this surprised Veronica a little. "Really? 'Slither' wasn't your first choice?"
"Indeed," Edelgard confirmed. "It happened after I'd first received the Flame Emperor armor. I initially wanted to just take it and get myself immediately out from under Thales and company's collective thumb. To that end, Hubert and I made contact with the head of a certain group of...let's just call them 'businessmen'..."
-X-
Realm-X, the back room of a secured tavern in Adrestria's capital Enbarr, Imperial Year 1179...
Edelgard, as the Flame Emperor, sat on one side of the table in the candle-lit room as she met face-to-face with the gentleman before her. (Hubert, ever-dutiful, stood outside the door in the shadows.) The man was heavyset and balding, with a brown beard. He wore a black suit with a white frilled shirt underneath, and two large clasps with golden braids on the front of his coat. He had a couple of rings on two fingers of both hands, and on his head was a black hat with a feather in it. Resting on his lap was what appeared to be some sort of reptile.
"Good evening, Don DeLuise," Edelgard greeted, her voice disguised by the modulation spell in her helmet.
Don DeLuise removed his hat, laying it on the table, before running both hands along the top of his head tiredly. "Bonasera. Bonasera..." he muttered.
"It was very good of you to come at such short notice," Edelgard continued. "And all the way from Jersey, no less..."
"Well, it is quite a drive," Don DeLuise said.
"And yet...you do realize I wanted this to be a secret meeting, didn't you?" Edelgard asked before pointing with a gauntlet-clad finger to the two black-garbed individuals standing at either side of the man. "I mean seriously, who are these two?"
"These are my most trusted associates," Don DeLuise answered as he pointed to one of them. "On my right, we have 'Dirty' Ezio." The Eastwood-esque man stood silently with a slight sneer, chomping on his cigar with his arms folded. "To my left, is 'Filthy' Luca."
The stone-faced Luca, at that moment, proceeded to stand up from where he'd been sitting, before Don DeLuise could speak again. "We thank you, for inviting us, on the day of your daughter's wedding," Luca said. Beneath the faceplate of the helmet she wore, Edelgard sported a greatly-confused expression on hearing this. "I hope her first child, is a masculine child."
"Shut up, will ya? We haven't had the meeting yet," Don DeLuise said as he corrected his underling.
It took a minute for Luca to realize the don was correct. "Oh yeah," he said as he slowly sat back down.
"'Oh yeah'," Don DeLuise muttered before turning his focus back to the Flame Emperor. "Now, I understand you've been bothered by this Rhea dame, and you want her rubbed out, eliminated, maybe even killed."
"...Yes," Edelgard affirmed. "You put it quite succinctly, Don DeLuise."
The don looked at her, confused. "Suck what?"
Edelgard felt one of her eyebrows rise up in equal amounts of confusion. "Succinctly," she clarified. "As in, 'summed it up perfectly', 'straight to the point', et cetera."
"Right, right. I knew that," Don DeLuise said.
Sure, you did, Edelgard thought to herself with a mental eyeroll, before her attention was drawn to something else about the don. "If you'll pardon me, Don DeLuise, I mean no offense and all, but...your lizard appears to be limp."
The don pet the reptile in his lap before he replied. "Well, you understand, when you get to be my age, sometimes, you know..." Edelgard thanked the goddess that her helmet hid her face fully, for she found herself blushing at the don's response. It was then that the don realized what she'd been referring to. "...Oh, oh, my lizard. He's just sleeping, that's all." He then proceeded to stroke the underside of the lizard's chin. "Charlie. Charlie!" The lizard soon stirred awake, breathing into his owner's nose and causing him to wince a little. "*Sigh* I coulda been somebody! I coulda been a contender!...You know, Charlie's got bad breath." At that moment, Charlie proceeded to leave a little scat on the don's hand. "Oof-he got excited, you know. Come on..." He motioned for 'Dirty' Ezio to come over and hand him a handkerchief, with which he wiped the scat off his hand; Ezio proceeded to pocket the folded-up handkerchief once he was finished. (The whole time this was happening, a cartoony sweat drop emerged by Edelgard's head.) "Now normally, I'd be happy to be of service to you, but there is something that weighs heavily on my heart."
"And that would be?" Edelgard asked, a minute hint of skepticism in her (modulated) tone.
"In the years that we've been friends, Enbarr and Jersey," Don DeLuise continued, "never once have you invited me into your home, for coffee and cake, or ganool. Something, you know?"
Edelgard became confused by that last part. "Er...ganool?"
"A ganool," the don answered. "A pastry with stuffing, and sprinkles on top. Mmm..."
"Pardon me a moment," Edelgard said. "Again, I mean no offense, but honestly speaking, I can't understand a word you're saying right now."
"Pardon me, then," the don said in turn, "I actually just came back from the dentist. Must've forgotten to take out the cotton balls." He then reached into his own mouth and plucked said cotton balls out, handing them to Luca.
"I will take these cotton balls from you with my hand," Luca said as he did just that, "and put them in my pocket."
"Whatever," Don DeLuise muttered.
Edelgard then eyed Ezio. "I've noticed that your other man says quite little."
"More than that-he says nothing," the don stated.
"How come?"
"Because one of my enemies cut out his tongue."
Hearing this surprised the Flame Emperor. "Hold on, seriously? Why would they do that?"
"Because," the don began to explain, "he went like this." The don then proceeded to make a face and stuck out his tongue while going "*BLEHBLEHBLEH!*" briefly. He then continued his explanation. "My enemy didn't like it, so he had Ezio's tongue cut out." He then motioned for Ezio to come forward. "Come over here, go like this." The don then proceeded to click his tongue, before he let out a wheezy laugh. "He can't do it. But I love to tease him!" he said before letting out another wheezy laugh.
Edelgard cleared her throat before speaking. "*A-HEM* If we could get back to the point-what do you plan to do about Lady Rhea...?"
-X-
"So, what plan did they offer you?" Veronica asked as she poured another cup of tea.
Edelgard rolled her eyes a little. "Oh, some paltry scheme involving the Archbishop and an archery contest," she replied with a dismissive handwave. "It seemed feasible on paper-the don's man, Luca, showed off an array of archery medals that would make even Claude von Riegan blush-but fell apart as soon as I brought up that Lady Rhea had no skill with the bow." Edelgard then helped herself to one of the scones on the plate. "As loathe as I am to say it, Thales and 'Those Who Slither' had considerably more power to throw at Lady Rhea and the Church's forces than Don DeLuise and the mob could muster. Also, more than how much the don could, Thales made me an offer I couldn't refuse."
"Yet still...?" Veronica posed.
"Still, if I could do things over, I'd have given the mob a shot," Edelgard admitted before taking another bite of scone. "They were, at the end of the day, still human."
**Author's Note(s)**
This vignette is dedicated to the memory of the comedy great (and semi-frequent Mel Brooks collaborator) Dom DeLuise.