Vignette 18 - A Beastly Spelunking We Will Go
In a far off part of the realm, a group of Heroes led by Kiran and Sharena entered the mouth of a mysterious cave, intent on investigating the rumors of a hidden network of tunnels connecting Askr to Embla. Comprising the group were Prince Xander of Nohr and Prince Ryoma of Hoshido, both from Realm-VI; Maria, healer and youngest princess of Macedon from Realm-I; Miriel, scholarly mage with an impressive vocabulary and 'rapier intellect' from Realm-I's future; and a trio of denizens from Realm-III in the form of the young mage Nino, her distant cousin Canas (a shaman as scholarly as Miriel), and Jaffar, who like Nino was a former member of the assassin group known as the Black Fang. The group ventured carefully into the cave, Miriel using a controlled Fire spell to provide lighting as they entered deeper and deeper. At one point, a strange sound was heard by all that made Maria and Nino especially shudder.
"Wh-what was that?" Nino asked, eyes shifting nervously.
"Th-think there m-m-might be something else in here?" Maria added worriedly.
"In all likelihood, just a minor gust of air being filtered through the cave system echoing against the tunnel walls due to the particular acoustic environment we presently are walking through," Miriel answered in as straightforward fashion as she could.
A beat passed between Nino and Maria as they took in the older mage's words. "S-sure," Nino said, trying to reassure herself, "that works!" Maria nodded in agreement.
"Even if there is someone or something hostile here," Jaffar gravely said as he briefly felt the daggers sheathed in his belt, "I will eliminate it before it can even take another breath."
Nino gave Jaffar a small, appreciative smile. "Thanks, Jaffar," she said. "I know you can."
"The same goes for us," Ryoma chimed in as he briefly touched the hilt of his legendary sword as his hip.
"Indeed," Xander added. "Rest assured, we will protect the lot of you should we encounter danger along this route."
At that moment, Sharena and Kiran took notice of something up ahead of the group. "Hey, guys, over there!" Sharena called out as she pointed towards a wall. The others could soon see what had gotten hers and the Summoner's attention, as there was some writing carved into the surface. "Miriel, Canas, you're the two smartest of us here-any idea what it says? Or at least what language it's in?"
The mage and the shaman stepped forward to examine the writing thoroughly. Canas adjusted his monocle before he spoke. "Ah, it's coming to me now-this is in a language I read about in Castle Askr's library. I believe it was called 'Aramaic'."
"Named in part for one Joseph of Arimathea," Miriel added, having also looked through the same sources as Canas. "While not my usual field of study, the phonetics that make up the language are a rather interesting sequence of-"
"Er, maybe later, Miriel," Kiran said in an effort to keep the mage from going into 'long-winded' mode in her explanation. "Right now, can either of you tell us what it says?"
Miriel adjusted her glasses before she started reading the carved writing aloud. "It says 'Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Arimathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail-'"
Xander and Ryoma exchanged a quizzical look on hearing this. "What's a 'Holy Grail'?" Ryoma pondered.
"Remind me to fill you in another time," Kiran answered briefly.
"'-in the Castle of aaarrrrggh'," Miriel finished, only to become confused by what she'd just read. The feeling was mutual among the rest of the party.
"The Castle of what?" Maria asked, scratching her head.
Canas cleaned off his monocle before he read the last line aloud. "Apparently, 'the Castle of aaarrrrggh'."
"Oh-kaaaayyyy...really, what is it?" Sharena asked in a skeptical tone of voice.
"Sounds as if he died while carving it into the rock," Jaffar put forward.
Nino's eyes widened a bit on hearing this as she looked to her friend. "Y-you think so?"
"Not much else to go on, I'm afraid," Canas affirmed. "It says what it says."
"Though, if he were dying," Miriel surmised, "why bother carving 'aarrggh' instead of just vocalizing it?"
"And yet, there it is, literally written in stone," Sharena said.
"Perhaps he was dictating?" Canas offered.
Xander narrowed his eyes at the writing. "Are you sure there isn't anything else written?" he asked skeptically.
Miriel and Canas both shook their heads. "Nothing else," Canas said. "Just 'aaarrrrggh'."
Maria tried vocalizing the word to see how it sounded. "Aaaauugggh."
Sharena followed with her own attempt. "Aarrrggh." Both girls looked to one another and shrugged.
"Do you suppose he meant to say Aaaaarrrgo?" Miriel posed.
"What's that?" Xander asked.
"Something I read about in another text in the castle library," the bespectacled mage replied. "A great ship that carried an ancient band of warriors to a strange island in search of something called the 'Golden Fleece'."
"No, that doesn't sound right..." Ryoma said as he began speculating. "Canas, don't you have a place in your realm called 'Aaaarrrcadia'? Where your comrade Hawkeye is from?"
"Yes, though it's just two 'A's' and one 'r' in the name," Canas answered.
"Right, makes more sense," Ryoma said in turn.
A slight noise suddenly got Maria and Nino's attention as they looked behind the group. What they saw made their eyes grow wide with fright.
"Oooohoohohooo-!" both girls let out fearfully.
"No, no, 'Aaaauugggh'," Xander corrected them, "as if it were coming from the back of the throat, 'Aaauugh'."
"Nonononono-!" Maria said as she fervently shook her head. "'Ooooooooh', as in surprise and alarm!"
"Oh, sort of like a 'aaaah!'," Miriel stated.
"Y-yes, but it's-" Nino started to say, before deciding to just cut it with the shtick and tell everyone to "Just turn around, will you?!"
At that, the rest of the group turned around to see what the girls were looking at, only for them to go wide-eyed with shock (even Jaffar, who was known to be generally fearless) at the sight that greeted them with a brief but loud roar (accompanied by a dramatic chord).
Standing before the party was a large, two-legged, almost reptilian-looking creature with a short tail, sharp talons on each toe, a mouth full of long, sharp teeth, two very big horns on either side of its head, a tuft of spiky hair atop its scalp, weirdly-shaped ears, and most disturbingly, twenty-one eyes that gazed upon the terrified Heroes. This was the source of the noise that Maria and Nino had heard earlier when the group had first entered the cave, a monster known only by the locals as something of myth. In spite of its actual scaly, green skin, this was the so-called legendary Black Beast of-
"AAARRRRGGH!" the whole party cried out simultaneously before swiftly turning and running away from the creature, which began chasing after them through the dark network of caves. Accompanying the pursuit was the sound of the trademark chase scene music from the Scooby-Doo franchise. The Heroes ran into all manner of tunnel openings, the Beast behind them, only for all involved to wind up in another classic Scooby-Doo gag as random individuals in the chase found themselves exiting one tunnel only to wind up in the one opposite it, sometimes the Beast in pursuit, sometimes them pursuing the Beast, sometimes the Beast in the middle of the group-all in all, it was a clear case of everyone chasing each other's tail. Eventually, the group stopped running in circles via the tunnels, reconvened in the center, and resumed running from the monster behind them. After managing to put some distance between themselves and the Beast, a thought suddenly occurred to both Kiran and Sharena.
"WAIT JUST A DARN MINUTE!" Sharena shouted, causing everyone to stop in their tracks. "Why the heck are we running?! We're members of the Order of Heroes, for crying out loud!"
"She's right!" Kiran chimed in. "Ryoma, Xander, you two wield, respectively, the divine weapons Raijinto and Siegfried, for Pete's sake! Jaffar, you were known as the freaking "Angel of Death"! Leonard-" he pointed to film critic Leonard Maltin. "-you know every movie ever made!" A puzzled look soon appeared on Kiran's face over what he'd just said, before he realized what was wrong with this picture. "Oh-kay, hold on, gimme a sec..." He then quietly escorted Leonard Maltin off the set. "Sorry, man, wrong lot-you'll want #33, just take a left outside and you'll be good." The film critic nodded in thanks and soon left, while Kiran returned to his spot on the set. "Where was I? Oh, right-I say we stand and fight this overgrown lizard!"
"YEAH!" the rest of the party said with newfound courage and determination as they turned to face the direction of the approaching monster. Ryoma and Xander drew their swords, already glowing with energy, Jaffar unsheathed and spun his daggers in his hands, Sharena held her spear Fensalir in a ready stance, and Miriel, Nino, and Canas had their tomes at the ready. The moment the Black Beast came roaring towards them...the party screamed in terror and resumed their flight from the creature's presence. As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Kiran, Sharena, and the Heroes seemed hopeless, when suddenly...
-X-
...The animator collapsed atop their desk, utterly exhausted from their efforts, with a *thump* as they sought to catch their breath.
-X-
Before the Heroes' very eyes, the Black Beast stopped in mid-air, and suddenly lost its coloring, until finally, the whole creature vanished into nothingness. The anime peril was no more. The utterly perplexed group could now continue their survey mission, unimpeded. Briefly exchanging a look with one another, the party shared a collective shrug, and resumed their walk through the cave, until finally finding a light at the end of the tunnel.
It was then that Kiran took a moment to address us, the audience, directly:
"Folks, we here stand by the hardworking animators of Japan's anime industry, and would like to say to their overseers...
Give 'em a break already, will ya?"
**Author's Note(s)**
Threw in a fourth wall gag from my all-time favorite episode of Freakazoid, just to make things more fun.