Vignette 19 - The Summoner's Battalion
On an unassuming day, Kiran was walking through Askr's castle town, conversing with a couple of mercenary members of the Order of Heroes: Realm-IV's Gerik and Realm-X's Jeralt, both mercenary troop leaders and both making a small re-supply run. It was while they were conversing that Kiran noticed a rather new sight in the middle of the market square, as there was a stall he hadn't seen before. When Jeralt looked towards where Kiran's gaze was directed, he recognized the kind of stall it was.
"Well what do you know? Commander Anna actually took my suggestion," the veteran lancer and horseman commented gruffly.
"What suggestion?" Gerik asked.
"In my realm, back at the monastery," Jeralt explained, "the marketplace had a battalion guild. Through them, you could hire a squad or replenish the one you have following you for a fee. I figured it might be something worth offering here in Askr, so I brought the idea up with the Commander. From the looks of it, they must've set up shop recently."
"Huh. Might be worth giving a try," Kiran said as he walked towards the stall. "I've always wanted to do more on the battlefield, maybe having a battalion handy would help."
Once he got to the stall, he didn't see anyone minding it, at first. Once he rang the small bell on the counter, that soon changed as he was greeted by an older, slightly portly man with slicked back hair, a thin mustache, and a wide, toothy grin.
"Eeyeeeeessssssss?" the man asked, startling Kiran with his sudden appearance.
Oh, great, the Summoner thought to himself sardonically. Even in a multiverse like this, they have 'Frank Nelson-types'. "Er, are you the guildmaster here?"
"NO, I just set this up so I'd have a better vantage point while people-watching," the proprietor smarmily replied.
Gerik and Jeralt, on seeing this interaction, sweat-dropped.
"Not like any guildmaster I've ever met," Gerik noted.
"Same here," Jeralt concurred with a nod.
"What can I do for you today?" the grinning guildmaster asked Kiran.
"Uh, right-I was thinking of hiring a battalion," the Summoner answered.
"Well, you're in luck," the guildmaster started to say, "As this is our opening week, we have a low-priced introductory offer for first-timers with one of our more...specialized battalions."
Kiran arched a skeptical eyebrow at this. "...Specialized, how?"
"They're an...eccentric bunch, but an effective bunch! The finest to come out of Sherwood," the guildmaster said. "Feedback average of four to four-and-a-half stars, all-around."
Kiran looked to the two mercenary leaders behind him, who only offered him a couple of shrugs, before facing the guildmaster. "All right, let me see their dossier..."
Before the guildmaster could reply, Anna suddenly ran up to Kiran. "Thank goodness I found you!" she told the summoner, before giving the guildmaster a quick glimpse. "Oh, hey there, Uncle," she greeted with a small wave.
"Anna!" the guildmaster replied with a grin and a small wave of his own. "How's my favorite niece today?"
Kiran grew surprised by this little detail, doing a double-take from the guildmaster to Anna. "Wait, you're related?" he asked, pointing between the two.
"Later! Right now, you're needed!" Anna exhorted. "Some Emblian troops have captured one of our outposts. I've already assembled some Heroes to go help free it, we just need you to join us so we can move out!"
"Right, understood," Kiran said before quickly taking out some gold from his person. "Mister, sign me up," he affirmed as he handed the gold to the guildmaster. "Better to have some 'insurance' in case of emergency."
"Splendid!" the guildmaster said as he handed a peculiar-looking whistle to Kiran. "Once Anna gives me the location of where you're headed, I'll send them your way. When the need for them arises, just blow this whistle to call them in. Good luck! And remember to rate your experience-your feedback is important to us, after all."
The battle site, some time later...
The squad of Heroes, which also included Jeralt and Gerik among their number after Kiran asked them to lend a hand, engaged the Emblian troops as they fought to reclaim the outpost. The battle was pitched, with the Emblians having a slight edge due to their numbers.
"We need an upset here, and we need it now!" Anna said as she deflected an arrow with her axe.
Kiran gave the whistle around his neck a brief glance, before deciding it was now or never. "Coming right up," he said before taking the whistle in his fingers and blowing into it with a loud *THWEEEEE*, surprising both sets of combatants. "Battalion, attack!"
The battlefield grew quiet at that moment as those on either side looked around confusedly. It was a sentiment echoed on the Summoner's face.
"...I said, battalion, attack!" he shouted again. Finally, the sound of footsteps could be heard, causing all present on the battlefield to turn towards the source. When they did, all eyes grew wide with confused surprise at the group who arrived, none more so than Kiran's.
The group was made up of a dozen men all clad in a most unusual uniform. Said uniform was made up of a collared white shirt with slightly billowy sleeves (save for one fellow who had apparently torn off his below the bicep), brown vests over the shirt held together by leather belts (each with a doublet attached), and brown mini boots. Most notably though, the men also wore green bycocket hats with a single feather sticking out of the left side...and forest-green leggings. The largest of the men, with long, blonde hair and a beard, brown leather bracers on his forearms, and the aforementioned torn sleeves, was hopping a bit as he tried to adjust his leggings.
"Sorry 'bout that, bossman!" the man apologized. "Needed to get changed an' all that! (Blimey, these are hard to get on.) Let's face it, you gotta be a man to wear tights!"
Kiran could hear some of the Emblian troops barely hide their chuckles, which caused him to facepalm. (It didn't help that even those among the Heroes giggled a tiny bit.) And we're doomed...
"Sir?" the large fellow asked Kiran as he turned around a little. "How're me seams?"
Kiran, a tiny bit dumbfounded, reluctantly gave the back of the man's legs a quick look, before giving him a couple of (half-hearted) thumbs up. "Um...perfect?"
The large man grinned on hearing that. "Heh-every time!" he said, unaware of Kiran's tone. It was then that the dozen men soon got into formation, while music began to play in the background as they marched towards the Emblian troops-singing as they did...
Battallion:
We're men, we're men in tights!
[The men make 'searching' gestures as they get closer to the Emblians.]
We roam around the forest looking the forest looking for fights...
We're men, we're men in tiiights-
We rob from the rich, then give to the poor, that's right!
We may look like sissies...
[The men point at the Emblians.]
But watch what you say, or else we'll put out your lights!
[The men then proceed to swiftly punch the Emblians in the face, knocking them out cold as they fell on their backs. Those not the battalion grew completely shocked by this.]
We're men, we're men in tights-
Always on guard, defending the people's rights!
[The men then assemble into a kickline and make their way towards the Emblian cavalry units. Their kicks send the riders flying off their mounts.]
Laaa, la la la la la la
La la la la la la
La la la la la
[From there, they shift into a side-stepping routine while waving their hands, which turn out to be karate chops that serve to knock out the enemy mages.]
Laaa, la la la la la la
La la la la la la la
La la la la la la
La la la la la
La la la la
We're men (manly men!) [The men flex their arms.],we're men in tights! [The men do the 'I'm hot' pose.] (Yesssss!)
[The men make 'searching' gestures as they get closer to the Emblians.]
We roam around the forest looking for fights...
We're men, we're men in tiiights-
We rob from the rich, then give to the poor, that's right!
We may look like pansies...
[The men mockingly 'flutter' the lower ends of their vests like skirts, before pointing at the Emblians.]
But don't get us wrong, or else we'll put out your lights!
[The men then proceed to swiftly punch another round of Emblians in the face, knocking them out cold.]
We're men, we're men in tights-(Tight tights!)
[The men cinch their tights, which causes the Emblian pegasus knights, clerics, and troubadours to faint.]
Always on guard, defending the people's riiights!
When you're in a fix, just call for the men in tiiiiights!
[The men quickly get into a 'flexing' pose.]
(WE'RE BUTCH!)
Kiran and the Heroes just stood there, gobsmacked, at what they'd just borne witness to, with the results speaking for themselves, as the Emblian troops were all out cold. Thanks to a battalion the Summoner had hired only just today. Through song-and-dance.
Kiran did a double-take from the whistle in his fingers to the battalion and back. "Huh. Best gold I ever spent..." The feedback he left for the guildmaster that day was overwhelmingly positive, and from there...Askr's battalion guild got busier and busier...