Vignette 20 - A Bridge Too Far (for Comedy)
*And now, an additional crossover with...Ranma 1/2?! (HOW?!)*
Kiran was heading to meet up with Anna and the Askr royal siblings so they could organize the squad of Heroes accompanying them on their latest mission: to seek out a supposed enchanter shrouded in rumor. As he walked down the hall in Castle Askr, he was approached by one Hero in particular: Sophia, a lavender-garbed, lavender-haired, lavender-eyed, half-draconic shaman from Realm-III.
"Summoner...? May I...speak with you for a moment?" Sophia asked.
"Huh?" Kiran said, slightly surprised. "Oh, sorry about that, Sophia-nearly startled me a little. Sure, what's up?"
"You know about my...minor precognitive ability, correct?" the shaman asked.
"Certainly," Kiran replied. "What of it?"
"I received a brief vision today...regarding your upcoming mission..." Sophia elaborated. "I needed to inform you, post-haste."
Kiran nodded, knowing that Sophia's future sight skills were on-par, even above those of the ice dragon siblings, Ninian and Nils, who also hailed from her realm. "What did it tell you?"
"That which you seek..." Sophia began to explain, "...lies beyond a place known colloquially as the 'Bridge of Death'...the only means by which to cross over what is known...as the 'Gorge of Eternal Peril'. Aside from those two things...whatever party you organize, be sure to include three fliers, at most. That is all I can provide for you."
"I see. Thanks, Sophia," Kiran said with sincere gratitude. "I'll pass it along to Commander Anna and the Askr royals."
Sophia nodded as she went on her way. "I appreciate your thanks..." she said. "...And wish you the best of luck."
Two hours later...
Kiran, Anna, Alfonse, Sharena, and their squad of Heroes arrived at the location Sophia had seen in her vision. On the way, during a brief stopover in a small village, Kiran had gathered additional information just to be on the safe side regarding the place. The group was in a rocky, mountainous area with a mist that hung over it, and ahead of them lay their destination. The group of Heroes for this mission consisted of the troubadour Maribelle and the pegasus knight Cynthia, from the future and further future, respectively, of Realm-I; the Sacaean swordsman Guy and the Illian pegasus knight Fiora of Realm-III; Innes, the bow-slinging prince of Freilia, and the Manakete Myrrh from Realm-IV; and lastly, from Realm-X, two students from the Black Eagle house of Garreg Mach Officer's Academy, Ferdinand and Petra.
"Well, there it is, people..." Kiran stated as he pointed to the sight before them. "The 'Bridge of Death'."
Indeed, in front of the Heroes was an old, decrepit rope bridge that appeared to be on the verge of collapse; why and how it still stood, no one knew.
"*Hmph!* What a sorry excuse for a bridge," Maribelle haughtily commented. "The standards for maintaining infrastructure must be quite paltry in these parts."
"Let's remain vigilant, folks," Anna warned. "The state of the bridge isn't the only thing we have to worry about."
"What else is there for us to be keeping our eyes open?" Petra asked.
"The keeper of the bridge," Alfonse answered as he warily looked about. "He'll ask each of us five questions-"
"Three questions," Sharena reminded her brother.
"-Three questions," Alfonse said as he continued. "Those who answer the five questions-"
"Three questions," Sharena again reminded him.
"-Three questions," Alfonse said, with a mild sigh, "may cross safely."
Cynthia slightly raised her hand before she asked, with slight worry, "Erm...what if we get a question wrong?"
Kiran and Alfonse briefly, warily looked to one another, before the former answered her. "...You get cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril." Hearing that made Cynthia blanch. "Now, hold on-that's why we brought you three fliers with us, to keep us from meeting our fates prematurely. You, Fiora, and Petra are our contingency plan." Cynthia, along with Fiora and Petra, nodded in understanding as they quickly mounted their pegasi in anticipation. "All right then...who's going first?"
Innes immediately stepped forward. "I'll go," he said with every inch of self-assurance. "There's no way I'll get any of the questions wrong. I'll stake my pride on it." With that, he began walking towards the bridge.
"Good luck, Prince Innes," Myrrh said as he passed her.
"Tch-I don't need luck," Innes said before he was a few feet from the bridge's entrance. At that instant, twin bursts of fire exploded before him and the others, and from the smoke, a new face appeared.
"STOP!" they commanded, with a slight ominous echo in their voice. "Those who would cross the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three, ere the other side they see!"
When the smoke dissipated fully, Innes and the others got a good look at the source of the voice, and when they did, they found themselves dumbfounded by who it was.
Sitting atop a large rock to the side of the bridge's entrance was a tiny old man, balding with white hair and a pencil-thin mustache. He was wearing a dark maroon martial arts gi, little wood sandals, and was smoking a little pipe. He had a look on his face that just screamed 'lecherous', enough that it would make even the likes of Sain, Saul, Virion, Sylvain, and Lorenz-some of the self-described 'ladies' men' of the Order of Heroes-cringe. Of all the Heroes present, it was the Summoner who immediately recognized the old man.
"HAPPOSAI?!" he said, identifying the old man in a shocked tone of voice. He then looked in our direction and quickly made a 'T' sign with his hands. "CUT!" While the production was paused temporarily, the Summoner walked over to the old man, eyebrows narrowed. "Okay, you-what're you doing here?!"
Happosai took a few puffs of his pipe before he answered. "Well, sonny-boy, you'll remember that my little run-in with the superwomen of Tokyo-3 ended with me being literally kicked out by Takahashi-san. Turns out she kicked a little harder than she wanted, 'cause I must've broken through another dimensional barrier and landed in this place." He then gave Kiran a look that indicated he wasn't very amused by his present situation. "Fortunately for you (ya lucky brat), the nature of this universe has mostly kept me from going about my usual pastimes, especially when I found myself roped into taking this position after the last guy got cast into the Gorge. Now, can we get this thing going again? We're holding up the plot."
Kiran let out a slightly-exasperated sigh as he ran a hand across his face wearily. "Fine-but I'm watching you..." he warned before he returned to his place on the set. On facing our direction, he signaled for the production to resume. "ACTION!"
Innes faced the old man with a determined expression. "Ask me your questions, bridge-keeper-you'll see I show no fear."
Happosai nodded as he proceeded to do just that. "What...is your name?"
"Prince Innes, of the Kingdom of Freilia," Innes replied.
"What...is your quest?"
"To seek the enchanter who lives beyond these mountains."
"What...is your favorite color?"
"Green."
Happosai then sported a slightly-jovial look, before saying, "All right then-off you go."
Innes became highly surprised by this, as did the others. "Huh. Thank you, I guess. (Rather anticlimactic, if I do say so...)" With that, Innes slowly, carefully made his way across the bridge, grasping its sides as he did, until he reached the other side. The sight of this seemed to convince the others this might not be much of a challenge.
"Well, now-this appears to be simpler than we'd previously thought," Ferdinand commented, a highly-confident air about him as he dismounted his horse and, lance in-hand, walked up to the old man.
"STOP!" Happosai commanded as he held his hand out. "Those who would cross the Bridge of Death, must answer me these questions three, ere the other side they see!"
"Ask away, bridge-keeper," Ferdinand said in turn. "I've nothing to be afraid of!"
Happosai smirked as he proceeded to ask the questions. "What...is your name?"
"I am Ferdinand von Aegir!" After introducing himself, the red-haired noble youth looked in our direction for a brief moment. "There, I said the thing-happy now?" he muttered before returning his focus to the bridge-keeper.
"What...is your quest?"
"To seek the enchanter who lives beyond these mountains."
"What...is your favorite thing to eat...on Tuesdays?"
"A pheasant roast with berry sauce," Ferdinand answered, before remembering something at that moment. "No, wait, I forgot, it's actually saghert and creEEEEAAAMMM...!" Just as he was getting those words out, Ferdinand found himself launched skyward by some unseen force, much to the shock of his comrades. Kiran quickly took command of the situation before panic could set in.
"Don't worry, this is just what we prepared for," he said before turning to Ferdinand's fellow student. "Petra!"
Quickly nodding, Petra and her pegasus swiftly flew into the air in the direction of the falling Ferdinand, catching him before he was halfway down. Ferdinand was holding on to the back of the winged horse for dear life as they set down back on the ground beside the others.
"It is all right, Ferdinand," Petra said to help calm her classmate down. "We are now being back on the ground, you can let go..."
Turning her attention from Ferdinand being coaxed off of the back of Petra's steed, Maribelle determinedly stepped forward. "Very well, it falls to me to succeed where my fellow noble could not..." She soon was face-to-face with Happosai.
"STOP!" the old man commanded again. "What...is your name?"
"Lady Maribelle of the Themis Dukedom," the blonde troubadour replied in her trademark upper-crust manner.
"What...is your quest?"
"To seek the enchanter."
"What...is your cup size?"
Maribelle's eyes bugged out as a very luminescent blush appeared on her face. "Wha-wha-what the-how DARE you!" she yelled in equal parts fury and embarrassment as she instinctually covered her chest with her arms. "What does that have to do with anythiIIIIINNNNNGGGG?!" As the words left her lips, like Ferdinand before her, she too found herself unexpectedly airborne.
"Oh boy..." Kiran muttered. "Cynthia!"
"On it!" the young pegasus knight replied quickly before she and her steed were soon skyward, where they intercepted Maribelle just as she thought of trying to use her parasol like a parachute. With the troubadour on her pegasus's back, Cynthia breathed a sigh of relief as she guided them back to the others. Maribelle, on dismounting, gave Happosai a look of visceral disdain.
Kiran, on the other hand, simply glared at the old grandmaster, who cheekily grinned in return. "I did say the nature of this universe MOSTLY kept me in check, heh heh," Happosai said with a chuckle.
Guy, swallowing, decided to chance it himself and stepped forward, his hand on the hilt of his sword.
"STOP!" Happosai commanded. "What...is your name?
"Guy, of the Kutolah clan," Guy answered, warily eying the martial artist.
"What...is your quest?"
"To seek out the enchanter."
"What...is the type of sword used by Goemon Ishikawa XIII?"
Guy's eyes widened in confusion at the question he was just presented. "...Who?" Since he was unable to answer correctly, like his comrades before him, Guy was then launched screaming into the air.
Kiran gave himself a facepalm before giving the order to save him. "*Sigh* Fiora!" Before the last vowel even left his lips, Fiora and her pegasus were already airborne and had managed to catch a very appreciative Guy, returning with him back to the group's position, Happosai cackling as he watched the whole spectacle unfold, earning him glares from the group.
It was Anna who decided enough was enough. "Stand back-I know just how to deal with this," she said as she stepped forward to face Happosai.
"STOP!" he commanded yet again. "What...is your name?"
"Commander Anna of the Order of Heroes," the redheaded axe-wielder replied.
"What...is your quest?"
"To seek the enchanter."
"What...is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?" Happosai asked, a pronounced smirk on his face.
Anna, at first, said nothing...before a knowing grin graced her lips. "African or European swallow?" she asked in reply.
Happosai's smirk vanished as he grew confused by this response. "How the hell should I know?!" he asked irritably, before covering his mouth with his hands on realizing his mistake. "Oh, craAAAAAA-!" Happosai soon was sent flying, the Heroes watching as his disappearing figure fell further and further into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. All eyes turned to Kiran, as they gave him inquisitive looks.
"...Shouldn't we have saved him?" Sharena asked.
Kiran shrugged before answering her. "Nah, it's fine. Besides, the guy's survived worse. He's like a cockroach, in the sense that he's extremely hard to get rid of. But for now...I don't think he'll be bothering us for a while. Anyway, I think the coast is clear, so we might as well get across the bridge. Myrrh, if you could help with Maribelle and Ferdinand's horses...?"
The next few minutes consisted of the Heroes carefully making their way across the bridge, with the pegasus knights flying across the gorge and Myrrh, in her dragon form, carefully carrying the non-winged horses in her claws. Once all had joined up with the waiting Innes on the other side, they were on their way to continue their search for the enchanter. As they walked, Kiran took a moment to speak with Anna.
"How'd you know-?" he started to ask, only for Anna to beat him to the punch with her answer.
"I have a sister in Realm-VII," she said with a smile on her face, referring to the world Itsuki and Tsubasa, along with three other Heroes, came from. "Since it's the one most similar to your world, she's been a big help in me getting better acquainted with the terminology you throw around. Once mentioned something like this happening in one of those-what'd you call them?-'movies'."
"Huh. Makes sense," Kiran said in turn.
Meanwhile, back on the other side of the bridge, a short, nondescript fellow with a bushy mustache came out of the shack he lived in, and gave the entrance to the bridge a bit of a look-over. Scratching his head a bit, he then grumbled to himself as he went back to the shed to fetch something. When he returned to the entrance, he hammered a sign into the ground next to the rock Happosai was sitting on. Printed on it, with an arrow pointing towards the man's shack, was the following:
Bridge-keeper Wanted
Great hours, pay, and benefits!
Make all inquiries within.
**Author's Note(s)**
Featuring: Paul Dobson as the 'bridge-keeper'.