Vignette 21 - The 2,000-Year-Old Guest Lecturer

In-between missions for the Order of Heroes, activity within the confines of Castle Askr and its surrounding villages tended to vary among those who made up the Order's membership. Some honed their skills at the training grounds, others read away in the castle library, and then there were those who joined up with the clubs set up by a small committee of Heroes. For one Hero in particular, they felt there was something missing. Something...educational. For Seteth of Realm-X, the main advisor to Rhea, archbishop of the Church of Seiros, he sought to remedy that. After getting the go-ahead from Commander Anna and Kiran the Summoner, along with securing an auditorium within the castle, Seteth began what would be the first of a hopefully ongoing guest lecture and interview series. For the inaugural seminar, he posted a sign-up sheet for those who would want to attend, and strongly encouraged any Garreg Mach students who had been summoned to attend these as well. For the first guest he recruited, Seteth found him purely by chance while walking through the castle marketplace one day, overhearing him as he conversed with a couple of associates who were, respectively, a scholar and a merchant. His curiosity piqued, Seteth approached the fellow and offered him the speaking opportunity, to which the fellow gave a brief shrug and agreed. On the day of the seminar, the auditorium was filled not only with Garreg Mach students, but various Heroes of other realms. Seteth readied himself as he motioned to the audience for some quiet.

Seteth: "*AHEM* Thank you all for coming to the first of what hopefully will be many guest speaker engagements here at Askr Castle. Although we know those among our fellow Heroes who are Manakete have lived considerably long times, for our inaugural guest speaker, I present to you-and I do not jest-a man who is supposedly 2,000 years old, and has travelled to many, many different places over the course of his lifetime. He has generously offered his time to allow us to pick his brain of what he's seen and experienced, so if anyone here in the audience has a question for the guest, or wishes to follow up on something they said, please raise your hand and stand up."

While the audience murmured amongst themselves over this, Seteth nodded towards the other end of the stage, giving the guest his cue to come out. The man did so, revealing himself to the audience. The old man was short and balding, with a long gray beard that went down to his belly. He wore little round glasses that hung on his rather large nose, a dark blue robe, and socks under his brown sandals. The man took his proffered seat as Seteth sat on the stool provided for him. It was then that Seteth began his interview of the man, who briefly adjusted his glasses to get a good look at the audience.

Seteth: "Sir, is it true that you are, in fact, 2,000 years old?"

Old Man [wearily]: "Ooooh, boy...Yes."

Seteth: "You are, indeed, a millennia old?"

Old Man: "Yes indeed-you could say that I am a millennial, for lack of a better term."

Seteth: "Forgive my need to clarify, it's just that, those of the Manakete race aside, in the history of humankind, no one has lived for more than 100 years, at the least-and yet you claim to be 2,000?"

Old Man: "Will be, not yet. I'll be 2,000 come October 16th."

Seteth: "Ah, so you will be 2,000. To further clarify, when were you born exactly?"

Old Man: "Can't exactly pin it down-way back when, you've got to remember, we didn't have formal years and names and writing. We didn't know." (Seteth: "I see.") "Nobody kept track of time, see, we didn't know. We didn't write-we just sat around, pointed at the sky, and said 'Wow! Hot there! Wow!'"

Seteth [slight sweat-drop by his head]: "That's all you said?"

Old Man: "We didn't even know it was the Sun."

Seteth: "You really didn't know anything."

Old Man: "Not a thing-we were so dumb in those days. We didn't even know who was a lady-but they were, they were with us, but we didn't know who they were. We didn't know who were ladies and who were fellows." (At that point a hand rose up from the audience, which the Old Man then pointed to.) "Yeah, you there, the ginger boy with the rolled-up sleeves." (The owner of that hand, Garreg Mach student Sylvain (of the Blue Lion student house), proceeded to stand up.)

Sylvain [scratching his head a bit]: "So, basically, you thought that they were just a different type of guy?"

Old Man: "Yes, stronger or smaller or softer. The softer ones, I think, was the ladies the whole time."

Sylvain: "Oh-kaaayyy...follow-up, how did you...find out?" (Sylvain's fellow Blue Lion, a slightly-miffed Ingrid, elbowed him in the gut, not enough to hurt him, but just to surprise him.)

Old Man: "Well, they are cute-a fat guy, you could have mistaken him, soft and cute-" (As Sylvain sat down (with 'encouragement' from Ingrid), another hand rose as Sain of Realm-III stood up.)

Sain: "Out of curiosity, who exactly was the person who discovered women?" (His fellow cavalier, Kent, facepalmed.)

Old Man: "That would be Bernie." (A number of audience members looked towards another Garreg Mach student, Bernadetta of the Black Eagle house, who went wide-eyed on being supposedly singled out like this.) "No no, different Bernie, short for Bernard." ("Aaaah," the audience members said as they turned their attention back to the Old Man, to which Bernadetta breathed a sigh of relief.)

Seteth [clearing his throat]: "On that note, who was this Bernie, in particular?"

Old Man: "Bernie, he was one'a the first leaders of our, uh, our group." (Soleil, of the future of Realm-VI (her father, oddly enough, being Laslow, aka Inigo of Realm-I's far future), raised her hand as she stood up.) "Yes, the pinkette with the shoulder armor in the fourth row."

Soleil: "So this Bernie 'discovered' the female?"

Old Man: "Yeah, sure did."

Soleil: "How did that happen?"

Old Man: "He said, 'Hey, there's, there's ladies here'."

Soleil: "Can you elaborate further? I'm quite interested in how Bernie discovered woman."

Old Man: "Well, he...one morning, he got up smiling. So he said, 'I think there's ladies here'. So I ask, 'Well, whaddya mean, you know?' He then says, ''Cause in the night, I was thrilled and delighted, see?' So he went into such a story that, even hundreds of years later, I still blush."

(By the time he finished that sentence, Soleil, and a good number of audience members, male and female, were blushing themselves. One audience member took initiative in trying to change the topic a bit, as Luthier, a Valentian mage from Realm-I's present, stood up with his hand halfway raised.)

Luthier: "Sir, could you share with us the secret to your longevity?"

Seteth: "A good question. I'd also like to know myself, if you don't mind."

Old Man: "Not at all. Well, the major thing, the major thing, is that I never, ever touch fried food. I don't eat it, I wouldn't look at it, and I don't touch it. And, and I never run for a carriage, there's always another. Even if you're late for work, you know, I never run for a carriage. I never ran; I just stroll, jump it, slowly walk to the next carriage..."

Seteth: "Of course, there were no carriages, let alone chariots, at the time."

Old Man: "No, in my time, ah..."

Seteth: "So what was your means of transportation back then?"

Old Man: "Horses, and mostly fear."

Seteth [quirking an eyebrow]: "Fear transported you?"

Old Man: "Fear, yes-you could see a large, carnivorous animal; could be a lion, a tiger, a bear..." (In the audience, Realm-II's Deirdre uttered a quiet "Oh, my!".) "Whichever it was, it'd growl, and you and the horse you'd rode in on would be two miles a minute."

Seteth: "I see. Changing subjects, I'd like to find out about the origination of certain social customs, and I know there are some in our audience who are just as curious as well." (He then nodded towards a hand that had just risen up, belonging to the songstress of Realm-VI, Azura.)

Old Man: "Yes, the blue-haired bombshell with the flowing white gown."

Azura: "Could you please tell us of the origins of singing?"

Old Man: "Oh, that? It stems from fear." (Azura sported a puzzled look at this, as did Seteth and a number of musically-inclined Heroes in the audience.)

Azura: "Could you explain that?"

Old Man: "Well, in the old days-and I mean old days, well before the bards and instruments, I'm talking rocks and caves-song came about when you really had to communicate, but in trouble you couldn't say 'help', but you have to use your mouth. I mean, I would say 'help', they'd say 'good morning'. You really, you know you're in trouble, so somebody said 'HEEEEEHHH-EEEEELLLP!'"

Azura [wincing a bit]: "...And that was the first song?"

Old Man: "That's a note."

Seteth [nodding]: "I see. In other words, fear again, correct?"

Old Man: "I was singing."

Seteth: "One would think usually happiness-"

Old Man: "Oh, and the song came out of it-

A lion is eating my foot off-somebody call a constable!"

(The Old Man repeats the 'lyric' a couple more times.)

Seteth [looking to the audience]: "There you have it, the derivation of song. Moving on, what can you tell us about how the custom of two people shaking hands-the 'handshake'-came about?"

Old Man: "The handshake? Well, as you know..."

Seteth [quirking his eyebrow]: "(I don't, that's why I'm asking you.)"

Old Man: "...The handshake also stemmed from fear."

Seteth [confused, a sentiment shared by much of the audience]: "Hm-it seems like everything stemmed from fear."

Old Man: "But of course-everything we do is based on fear." (At that moment, Realm-I's Caeda, who was next to her beloved Marth, stood up with a slightly-raised hand.) "Yes, the blue-haired cutie next to the blue-haired boyo."

Caeda: "Even love?"

Old Man [nodding]: "Mainly love."

Caeda [sweat drop next to her head]: "How can love stem from fear?"

Old Man: "Well, what do you need a man or a woman for? You know what you needed either for? In my time?" (Caeda: "Yes.") "To see if an animal is behind yourself. You had to have eyes in the back of your head."

Caeda [still a bit perplexed]: "...I see."

Old Man: "You only have two eyes, so you take along your wife, your husband, your partner, whatever. For instance, you'd say, 'Hey lady, would you look behind me for a little while?' And that was the first-the first marriages. 'What if you take a look behind me, ok?' 'How long you want?' 'Forever.' 'We're married.'"

Caeda [scratching her head absentmindedly]: "So you...walked back-to-back for the rest of your life?"

Old Man [nodding]: "Yes-you only looked at her (or him) once in a while."

Caeda [guessing]: "When you knew you were safe?"

Old Man: "When you knew you were on the high ground."

Seteth [clearing his throat]: "So, the handshakes-they started how?"

Old Man: "They started to see if a fellow had a rock or a dagger in his hand. For instance, you grab his hand-'Hi, Charlie.' You grab another guy's hand-'How ya doing, Berto?' Then you open it, and you look, and you shook another one."

Seteth: "And that's the way the handshake started?"

Old Man: "You had to shake it-they might've had a stone or a marble to stick in your eye." (It was then that Tethys of Realm-IV stood up with her hand raised.) "Yes, the lovely redhead with the puffy pants and pink shawl."

Tethys: "How did dancing get started?"

Old Man: "Dancing? Same thing."

Tethys [a slight wry grin on her face]: "Fear, let me guess?"

Old Man: "Just fear. The only thing you could do with a hand was to see if there was a rock or a marble or a nail or something that would stick in your head."

Tethys: "Uh-huh..."

Old Man: "BUT, you're only immobilizing one hand! Dancing is where you get to complete the immobilization. You dance, and you keep the feet busy so he can't get you." (Tethys nodded at this before she sat back down, keeping those details in the back of her mind for another day.)

Seteth [steering the conversation in another direction]: "A common desire among most people is to live a long and fruitful life. You mentioned-"

Old Man: "Fruit is good food, you mentioned. Fruit kept me going for 140 years once, when I, when I was on a very strict diet, mainly nectarines. (I love that fruit.)" (The Old Man took out a nectarine from somewhere within his beard to show.) "Half a peach, half a plum, such a hell of a fruit. It's not too cold, not too hot, you know, just nice." (Seteth: "What if...") "Even a rotten one-that's how much I love it. I'd rather eat a rotten nectarine than a fine plum, what do you think of that?" (Seteth: "I can understand that-") "Yes, that's how much I love 'em." (Seteth: "Yes, I can understand, sir.") "Some good things." (The hand of Merlinus from Realm-III then rose among the audience, which the Old Man noticed.) "Yes, bald guy with the mustache."

Merlinus: "What I want to know is, what exactly did you do for a living?"

Old Man [stroking his chin contemplatively]: "Well, hundreds of years ago, there wasn't a whole lot of what you'd call 'industry'." (Merlinus nodded his head.) "Most things that we made, most things that we ever made, were, uh, were just we'd take a piece of wood, and rub it, and rub it, and rub it, and rub it, then clean and look at it, and hit dirt with it, and hit a tree with it."

Merlinus [perplexed]: "...For what purpose?"

Old Man: "Just to keep busy. There was-there was absolutely nothing to do, had no job."

Seteth: "What other occupations were there? Surely, there must have been something else besides hitting a tree with-"

Old Man: "The knowledge, hitting a tree with a stick was already a good job. You couldn't get that job, you know?"

Seteth: "What job-?"

Old Man: "Mainly was sitting and looking at the sky-that was a big job. And another job was watching each other."

Seteth: "*AHEM* Shifting topics again, what language did you and your people speak back then?"

Old Man: "We spoke, eh...rock. Basic rock."

Seteth: "Years before any known language?"

Old Man: "Yes-200 years before even Hebrew was the rock language, the rock talk." (A brief murmur among the audience erupted over what exactly was 'Hebrew', with only the Summoner knowing it.)

Seteth: "Could you give us an example of this language?"

Old Man: "Yes, there's, ah, 'Hey, ah-don't you throw that rock at me!', or 'Hey, whaddya do with the rock?'." (A number of sweat drops emerged among the audience, Seteth included, on hearing this.)

Seteth: "Could you give us an example or two of that other language you mentioned, this 'Hebrew'?"

Old Man: "I would, but I-wait, wait, turns out I remember very little. Must've forgot a great deal of it. Maybe all, yes. Been hundreds and hundreds of years since I needed it." (At this point, the hand of the Anna from Realm-I's future rose as she stood up.) "Yes, the redhead with th' ponytail sitting on the aisle."

Anna (Awakening): "Did you ever have any formal job as we know it today?"

Old Man: "Well, yeah, I was an artisan-owned my own small shop."

Anna (Awakening): "What kind of shop was it?"

Old Man: "I had a-I used to make these, ah, the Goddess Icons." (The Old Man took out from somewhere on his person a small Goddess Icon.) "I was, ah, one of the first makers of these." (Anna (Awakening): "Making a little money?") "Yeah-soon as religion came in, I was one of the first in that. I figured this was a good thing."

Anna (Awakening): "How did you make them-did you have tools?"

Old Man: "Well, we didn't have a lathe. I employed six men, each assigned to carve out a different piece of the icon. One fer th' base, one fer th' body-and it was a quick and speedy operation, lemme tell you. We'd make three a day because of the many accidents."

Seteth: "Did you never think of going into anything else?"

Old Man: "Oh, no, I had an offer once. It came to me-Simon..."

Seteth: "What did this Simon offer you?"

Old Man: "Said he had a new thing, a new item, a winner, looks like a winning item, that was gonna be a big seller-'It's called a 'Naga's Tear'. And I looked at it and turned it over, looked in all sides of it, and I said, 'It's simple. It's too simple.' I didn't know then it'd be a big hit."

Seteth: "You turned him down?"

Old Man [nodding]: "I said, 'I'm sorry, but I'm too busy.' See, I could have let four men go, and have just two men work on these. Would say that I would-I would've earned more doing those Naga's Tears and everything." (Seteth: "Yes, certainly.") (At this point, the hand of Realm-VI's Nina came up.) "Yes, the little bowslinger with the twin braids."

Nina [holding her trademark notebook, pencil at the ready]: "This might seem a bit personal, but, are you married?"

Old Man: "I have been married several hundred times." [A very audible collective gasp erupted from the audience, as an astonished Nina nearly dropped her notebook.)

Nina [jaw dropped]: "Several hundred times?!"

Old Man [showing a staggering number of wedding bands on his fingers]: "Yes."

Nina: "Uh...do you remember all your wives? (Or just partners, in general?)"

Old Man: "One, I remember well." (Nina: "Which one was that?") "The third one, Shyla. I remember her well."

Nina: "Oh-kaaaayyy...I'm sort of afraid to ask my follow-up, but since you've had-I'm still gobsmacked to say it-many hundreds of partners..."

Old Man: "Hundreds and hundreds."

Nina: "...But how many children do you have?"

Old Man: "I have over forty-two-thousand children-" (Another audible collective gasp erupted from the audience...) "-and not one comes to visit me." (...Followed by the audience collectively going "Awwwww..." in sympathy.)

Seteth [shaking his head]: "That is awful, sir. You mean to say that there isn't one child of yours-"

Old Man: "There's many kids, but, but they, you know how they are, children-good luck to them, let 'em go, I don't wanna listen, let 'em be happy as long as they're happy, I don't care. But they could send a note, write 'How're you, Pop?', 'How're you doing, Pop?', you know? They don't."

Seteth: "Moving along, you must have known some great people in your time, you did travel to-"

Old Man: "I knew the greater and the near-greater."

Seteth: "I believe some of our listeners would like to ask you about some of these-"

Old Man [looking out at the audience]: "Certainly, I'll tell you the true, the true whether I knew or not." (At this point, Realm-V's Sanaki, empress of Begnion, stood up with her hand halfway raised.) "Yes, the little purple-headed cutie with the red headband."

Sanaki: "Some from my particular realm are quite interested in the founding figures of our home continent of Tellius. One of them, specifically, being the swordswoman Altina, the founder and first ruler of Begnion."

Old Man [wistful]: "Ah, what a beauty..."

Sanaki [surprised]: "You knew Altina?"

Old Man: "Knew her? I went for her!"

Sanaki: "Strange, most texts we have don't mention her having had an early lover."

Old Man: "Well, they don't print everything."

Sanaki: "How long were you together?"

Old Man: "Not very long. Didn't even get a chance to ask her to marry me, since she was on a mission for that Ashera lady. She used to say to me, she used to say to me, 'I must save Tellius!'. I used to say to her, 'Look, I've got to wash up, you save Tellius. See you later after you save Tellius. I'll wash up, you know." (In the audience, a slightly-embarrassed Altina, blushing a bit, twiddled her thumbs as she opted to find a spot on the ceiling quite interesting at that moment.)

Sanaki: "How did you feel after she and her allies won and she went on to found Begnion?"

Old Man: "A bit terrible-I missed my chance wit' her. I wished her luck, don't get me wrong, but it stung a bit after she got together with that other fellow, ah, what was his name...Larry? Lorenzo...?"

Sanaki [a tiny bit befuddled]: "Um...Lehran?"

Old Man [snapping his fingers]: "Bingo, that's it, Lehran! Pretty fellow, I'll admit. She made quite a catch." [The old man squinted a bit in Sanaki's direction.] "Huh, that long-haired monk sitting next to you kind of looks like the guy, now that I think about it..." (Said monk, Sephiran (who was, in fact, secretly Lehran), nervously twiddled his thumbs while whistling idly, only to quietly breath a sigh of relief once most eyes were off him, chalking up the old man's words to mere coincidence. Once Sanaki sat back down, Realm-II's Brigid stood up with her hand raised.)

Brigid: "Sir, how about the legendary Twelve Crusaders of Jugdral-for example, the bowmaster Ullr?"

Old Man: "Oh, yeah, lovely woman-ran around in the forest, beautiful mane of hair that went down right to her legs, it was quite a sight." (In another part of the audience, Ullr herself blushed at the compliment, rubbing her head absent-mindedly.)

Brigid: "There's been a long unconfirmed rumor that, among her deeds, she stole from greedy, rich folk and gave to the poor-is any of that true?"

Old Man: "One-hundred percent. And when those same rich folk tried to hit her with a smear campaign-said she stole everything and kept everything-she responded in kind. She had a fella, Marty-Marty the press agent-run tales of her noble deeds in all the major scrolls. 'She takes from the rich and gives to the poor!' Who knew? If you were a big shot in those days who looked down on all the little people, you knew you took such a knock in the head when she robbed you-wouldn't knock her down."

Brigid: "I see. Thank you, we appreciate you helping my people rest a bit easier knowing this."

Old Man: "Well, I'm happy to help you rest easier." (As Brigid sat down, L'Arachel of Realm-IV stood up with her own hand raised.) "Yes, the greenie with the staff."

L'Arachel: "Perhaps you can shed light on one of the legendary figures of my own home continent of Magvel-Saint Latona, the founder of my kingdom, the theocracy of Rausten?"

Old Man: "Oh, what a pussycat..."

L'Arachel [perplexed]: "You're saying you knew-?"

Old Man: "A pussycat. Oh, that little beard, that hairdo of his...and smart, boy was he smart..."

L'Arachel: "*AHEM* I guess you would agree that he, in addition to being the guiding light of Magvel's Five Heroes, was also a very great writer-"

Old Man [waving his hands dismissively]: "Oh no, hey, hold up-he was small."

L'Arachel [confused]: "Er, what do you mean? You just affirmed he was great..." (Old Man [wearily]: "Oh, boy!") "...And I stated he was great-"

Old Man: "No, ma'am-a smart man and a pussycat."

L'Arachel: "But...not a great writer?"

Old Man: "Not a good writer at all. Saint Latona was not a good writer, no."

L'Arachel [astonished]: "But-but his writings are considered Magvel's greatest works-"

Old Man: "You ever see the original folios?"

L'Arachel: "Are you saying they were edited by someone else-?"

Old Man: "Never mind the editing, did you see the folios?"

L'Arachel: "Well, no, I've personally never seen them. Are you saying you-?"

Old Man: "I have, indeed, seen them-you wanna see how they are? They're blots! You had an 'L' that looked like a 'T', or an 'M' you didn't know if it was an 'M', or an 'O' that could be a 'P'-every letter was cockeyed and crazy. Don't tell me he was a good writer-he had the worst penmanship I ever saw in my life."

L'Arachel [awestruck]: "...Huh. I never knew...Be that as it may, his works are still considered the most-widely read on Magvel, all thirty-seven of them."

Old Man: "Thirty-eight."

L'Arachel [confused]: "What-? But I only know of thirty-seven." (She took out a small rolled-up piece of paper and unfurled it, walked up to the stage, and held it up for the old man.) "On looking at this list of the aforementioned works, can you confirm that there's one that should be there?"

Old Man [adjusting his glasses]: "Yes, I can."

L'Arachel: "And that would be...?"

Old Man: "The fable of Lady Alexandra and Murray." (L'Arachel looked at him, wide-eyed.) "Never heard of it, I take it? It takes place in the land that would become the mercantile republic of Carcino."

L'Arachel: "Is there-is there any copy of this in existence?"

Old Man: "This is a written work that I put invested money in."

Seteth [wanting to get his two cents in]: "I'm assuming this is probably the only one that didn't come to light."

Old Man: "Come to light? It closed in Darkling Woods!"

L'Arachel [now curious]: "...Do you remember any quotes from 'Lady Alexandra and Murray'?"

Old Man: "Yes, uuuuhhhh...'Lady Alexandra turned to Murray and said, 'Oh, Murray, what could it have been that I have seen? Is it not in my bones? Are we not one in of ourselves?' And he would say to her, 'What are you hollering? What are you hollering?'. That'd wake up the whole castle, you know?" (L'Arachel, nodding and having felt as satisfied as she could be with his answers, returned to her seat. Following that, the freelancer Xane of Realm-I stood up with his hand raised.) "Yes, the fellow with the wings on his head."

Xane: "Yes, my question is, what did you do 2,000 years ago to entertain each other?" (Old Man [getting up to do a little jig]: "Walk and wing...") "Actually, what I mean is, was there anyone equivalent to jesters-"

Old Man: "Oh, sure, we had 'em."

Xane: "Do you remember any of them?"

Old Man: "Sure, let me see...I remember one real funny guy, gave us some laughs, we were hysterical."

Xane: "Well, who was he?"

Old Man: "Morrie the Nut. Oh, did he gave us a laugh...A tiger came in the cave one afternoon, sauntered in, uninvited, naturally. (Nobody asked how a tiger did walk in.) So the tiger came in, and Morrie, you know, the jokester, the tummler, you know, the nut-he jumps up and grabs the tiger by the tail, and he goes 'Yahaa! Yahaa! Yahaa!', and the tiger turned around and ate him in under a minute-and did we get hysterical, laughing and laughing..." (For most of the audience, shocked looks adorned their faces, as they didn't consider someone being eaten by a wild beast to be much of a laughing matter.)

Seteth: "Er, ah, sir-that's not very humorous."

Old Man: "Well, what did we have, passion plays, then? That's what we had."

Seteth: "Still, it seems terrible-"

Old Man: "That was the best we had, 'Morrie the Nut takes a tiger'."

Xane: "That was entertainment?"

Old Man: "Yes."

Xane: "I don't know-seems more befitting of the realm of tragedy rather than comedy. How did you tell them apart?"

Old Man: "It's all about point of view-to me, tragedy is, uh, is...if I cut my finger, that's a tragedy. It bleeds, and I cry, and I run around, and I'll go to my physician for a day and a half, and I'm very nervous about it. To me, comedy is if you walk into a hole in the ground that's somebody's compost pile, and, uh-what do I care? That's comedy!" (Xane, somewhat satisfied, sat back down as Seteth spoke up.)

Seteth: "*AHEM* Now, sir, in your 2,000 years of life, you've no doubt seen a lot of changes in the world."

Old Man [nodding]: "I certainly have."

Seteth: "What would you consider to be the biggest change you've ever seen?"

Old Man: "In two thousand years, the greatest thing mankind ever devised I think, in my humble opinion...is the broom." (The jaws of most of the audience collectively dropped on hearing this.) "You can clean with it, you can pretend it's a horse, you can use it as a means to defend yourself-it's very, very versatile, that thing is."

Seteth [gobsmacked]: "You...you would equate it with humanity's discovery and development of organized writing systems?"

Old Man: "Well, that was good, that was good too." (Seteth did a double-take from the old man to the audience and back.)

Seteth [a tiny bit nervous]: "Well, sir, we appear to not have much more time left, so as a final question, we all here would like to know your personal code, your credo."

Old Man: "Well...all right. Is this it? The closing remarks?"

Seteth [nodding]: "The closing remarks, indeed."

Old Man [standing up and addressing the audience]: "Hello there, all-this is 2,000 years talking to you, from the depths of back there when we was, now I'm still and they not-and I just wanna say: keep a smile on your face...and stay out of the way of a well-trained mustang-stay out of their way...I wanna tell you that it's been, it's been a wonderful 2,000 years, and you've been a wonderful civilization, and it's been a thrill living for 2,000 years...and eat a nectarine, it's the best food ever made!"

With that, the seminar ended as the audience applauded the old man, strange as he was. The old man took his bows, took out a nectarine from somewhere within his beard, and proceeded to bite into it as he exited the stage.

**Author's Note(s)**

Dedicated to the memory of longtime Mel Brooks collaborator and comedy legend Carl Reiner. The dialogue and description of the titular old man are based upon the 1975 animated TV special adaptation of the classic comedy routine.