Vignette 24 - The Four Purple Yentas

*Disclaimer: The following features an attempt at writing characters speaking as if they'd come from New York's lower east side, and a possible butchering of such.*

There are times when the Heroes comprising Askr's Order of Heroes need downtime, and in the kingdom of Askr, there is one specific place set up to give them exactly that. Known as the Aether Resort, this is an area north of Castle Askr that provides a number of amenities that enable those who visit to enjoy a non-tropical vacation and rejuvenate themselves after many days of fighting. Among said amenities, there was a high-quality armory and accessory shop for, who else, the avid shoppers; a concert hall for the musically-inclined; fields for farming and growing one's own crops and livestock, which could then be prepared as delicious ingredients in the adjoining dining hall and kitchen; an inn for those simply wanting to rest their weary heads; and, as the main focus of today's story, the hot spring, another avenue for Heroes to get their rest and relaxation.

Did I forget to mention that this whole resort is located on an island that floats in the sky?

Well, not really important to the story, just a small mention...What is important, however, are the four Heroes currently occuppying one of the pools of the hot spring-the beauteous mage Sonya of Realm-I's present, from the continent of Valentia; Realm-VI's Camilla, the (putting it lightly) overly-affectionate eldest princess of the Kingdom of Nohr; Realm-X's Bernadetta, a reclusive and timid (to say the least) student from the Black Eagle House of the Officers Academy of Garreg Mach Monastery, as well as daughter of the count of Varley territory in the Adrestrian Empire; and a recent newcomer to Askr in Realm-XI's Ivy, the eldest princess of the Kingdom of Elusia. Other than being purple-haired young women, the quartet had little in common with one another, but found themselves engaged in substantial, fascinating conversation, as a server poured tea into the cup Ivy held.

Ivy [after taking a sip]: "*Contented sigh* This tea is divine, freakin' divine!"

Bernadetta: "Gives the stuff at my school a run for its money, and everyone I know lives on that stuff!"

Sonya: "You're tellin' me, the stuff I brew at home's like freakin' toilet water compared ta this."

Camilla: "And ta think, who'da believed just a year ago, we'd be sittin' in a jacuzzi, drinkin' tea that might as well be manna from heaven?"

Ivy [eyeing her fingernails briefly]: "Not me, sistah, that's fer sure-back then, I woulda been happy just with the tea considered 'passable' in my neck of the woods."

Bernadetta: "I'da taken 'passable' over 'too much ta choose from it'll make ya dizzy'."

Camilla [nodding]: "'Passable', without any of the chazerei." [The others look at her, slightly perplexed.] "Y'know, cream, sugar..."

Sonya/Bernadetta/Ivy: "Ah."

Sonya: "Just hot water fer me."

Ivy: "Wouldn't have needed a fancy cup for it, anyway-I know I'm a princess, but still, just a plain ol' teacup so stark white you can see it in the dark woulda been fine enough."

Camilla: "Sounds like you had decent lighting at yer place."

Ivy [shrugging her shoulders a bit]: "Good enough ta see where I was going."

Camilla: "Woulda liked lighting like that in mine-for a frickin' palace, it was so dim, half the time you could barely make out which room you were tryin' to get into. Gets worse with three siblings all wantin' to use the bathroom at the same time. (Every. Single. Morning...)"

Bernadetta: "Wish I had a problem like that-closest I've got is waitin' out the line of all the gals of all three houses to use the same bathroom, and even then they're half as friendly."

Sonya: "Would've killed to have a problem like that, if only ta feel a bit normal. Though admittedly, it was a pretty sweet deal, not havin' sistahs who hogged the bathroom in the morning. Then again, the three of us bein' left at a church doorstep helped, until it didn't-it's what I get fer havin' a father who was grand poobah of the whole state religion..."

Ivy: "Did he answer to a big scary dragon?" [Sonya nodded.] "Same deal with my old man-any time 'big boss' Sombron called, he was there the next minute. Swear he was married to his job more than my poor mother, Divine One rest her soul. Twenty years workin' fer the big lizard, and what's he get? Eaten alive and turned into a meat puppet, all just fer askin' fer a raise."

Camilla: "Lucky you-at least yer father was just a toady. Mine? Totally paranoid, irresponsible, power-hungry putz who always had shpilkes in his 'third eye'. Spite of that, it got me my brothers and sister-just coulda done without our respective mothers tryin' ta play us against one another. I could go on, but plot twist, can't even blame the guy, considerin' he's been dead since my little sister's birth, and that it was just loony old Anankos in human drag the whole time."

Bernadetta [enviously eyeing Camilla]: "Ya wanna talk 'lucky'? If anythin', YOU'RE the lucky one-least you have the excuse of your 'dear ol' dad' bein' possessed by some dragon or demon or demon dragon or whatever. Me? My old man, the only thing he wuz possessed by wuz a classist, 'ambitious', cruel-as-all-hell personality. Long story short, complete an' utter mamzer. Spent my whole childhood tryin' ta mold me into th' 'perfect wife', mainly tyin' me to a chair and forcin' me ta be quiet an' obedient all-the-frickin'-time. It got so bad that every time he got ready for another 'session', I'd throw a colossal temper tantrum just to avoid 'em! Even made it a point to keep toppin' myself whenever he wanted to start one!"

Sonya: "Least he was just 'teachin'' youse ta be a lady-woulda taken that over my old man and that yes-bitch of his, Nuibaba, tryin' ta turn me into a witch like he did my two sistahs. Trust me, the results weren't pretty-Marla? Used to be th' stern but kind sister. Hestia? The smart n' mature free spirit. Once 'Daddy dearest' and th' wicked stepmother got their claws in them? Nothin' but pale drones out ta do the biddin' of ol' Duma."

Ivy [rubbing her temples a bit]: "*Sigh* Would've liked it if my sistah was more like yours-pre-Duma, that is. ('Scuse my kvetchin' fer a moment.) Don't get me wrong, I love Hortensia, but she can be just so bratty. And she hung onto our father's every word, even when the things he had us do would make our stomachs turn. Before I wound up here, he had us flyin' all over the place, huntin' fer Emblem rings, and takin' out the opposition at every turn. We had a team of top-ranked goons, called themselves the 'Four Hounds', but honestly speakin'? Felt like me and Hortensia were the huntin' dogs more than they were-every day, it was get up in the mornin', scarf down breakfast while somehow still doin' it inna 'refined manner', shower up, get dressed, gather our retainers, get on our mounts, and then fly ta the next kingdom ta claim their ring."

Bernadetta [now eying Ivy enviously]: "...Luxury. Least you could talk with your retainers-under 'Papa Tightwad's' thumb, I could barely talk to anyone besides the house staff. I just wanted some peace, a social life, but noooo-'Can't mingle with the common folk, Bernie! They're too below your station, Bernie!' FEH! Y'know that purplehead pretty-boy from my neck of th' woods, Yuri? First friend I actually went out of my way to make, and what does 'proud papa' do when he finds out? Has his goons beat the crap outta him! (Talk about chutzpah...) An' all this, ALL THIS, so he can marry me off ta some lucky macher bigger than he is. Used ta present me to suitors like I was some prime cut, fresh from the deli counter-some of them old enough ta be my grandfather!"

Sonya [a bit nonplussed]: "...Paradise. Only reason I was able to escape my 'bewitchin'' was my sistahs, rest their souls, helped me skedaddle before Daddy came a-callin'. Figgered I'd bide my time until I could get back at the old man. Wound up workin' fer a slave-tradin' crook who, despite the fact he operated on land, insisted on calling himself a pirate. Real cruel shmuck, not gonna lie-hated every minute of every day I answered ta him. Only reason he had me around was ta keep an eye on Deen, the other big hired gun he had-you've seen him, dark purple hair, lost his left eye, he wuz at the big Hatari festival they had a few months back?-and the only reason he had Deen around wuz ta do the same fer me. And ta top it all off, he had us both workin' in the desert, of all places-half my paycheck always went towards gallons of moisturizer just so I wouldn't shrivel up out there."

Camilla: "...Right...My father, or the nutjob wearin' his skin, used ta have me and my siblings do the fightin' whenever he had some broigus with the neighbors. Told us it was becuase they had better weather and gardens than we did, but that was just utter bubkes. He actually made our adoptive brother Corrin-you know him, the guy with the sword that looks like a corn cob?-live in the guest house until he was 'man enough' ta serve him, and even then he gave him all sorts'a dirty jobs. As if that weren't bad enough, when our step-sister wound up in Hoshido, the guy wouldn't trade ta get her back! And when Corrin refused any more dirty work, 'Daddy' didn't bat an eye, since he had enough mooks with no scruples who'd do it without blinkin'. Add in how he treated my mother-rest her soul, in spite of how she treated me-an' it's no wonder my upbringin' was as screwed up as it was, lookin' back."

Ivy [having taken another sip of tea]: "I'll say this, try tellin' any one of our sob stories to the other royals in the Order-would any of 'em believe us at first?"

All four [giving slight eyerolls and shakes of their heads]: "Nooooo..."

Sonya [examining her hand]: "Oh boy-think it's time we called it a day, girls. Any longer in here, and I'll start lookin' like Niime." [A small object, revealed to be a soap bottle, suddenly falls onto Sonya's head.] "Ow!"

Niime [from another pool on the other side of the fence]: "I heard that!"

Grumbling, but opting not to dignify that with a response, Sonya, along with the other three, stood up and out of the water, grabbed their towels and wrapped them around themselves, and then made their way back to the changing room to dry off. Along the way, they passed by another pool occupied by another quartet, all redheads, made up of Realm-I's Minerva, princess of Macedon; Realm-III's Miledy, a soldier of Bern and another wyvern rider; Realm-V's Titania, serene second-in-command of the Greil Mercenaries; and Realm-VI's Hinoka, the pegasus-riding eldest princess of Hoshido, all of whom engaged in their own spirited conversation. Strangely, they all appeared to sport Irish accents as they conversed...

**Author's Note(s)**

What do you get when you cross the classic pre-Python skit "The Four Yorkshiremen" with Mike Meyers' "Coffee Talk" sketches from Saturday Night Live? Well, the above, or my best attempt at it. While writing, I tried to picture how each of the four would sound, which led to, more or less:

Sonya - a young Fran Drescher

Camilla - a young Joan Rivers

Bernadetta - Arleen Sorkin's (RIP) Harley Quinn as a paranoid mope

Ivy - Rachel Brosnahan as the titular Mrs. Maisel