a/n: sorry it's a bit short. bold italics are the lyrics. track 17.

Chapter 3: High Infidelity

You know there's many different ways you can kill the one you love

Summer, thank God for summer. It was a break from all the drama of school, a chance for her to be with Brittany without eyes following her every move. No arguments about loving Artie too would get in the way of her sweet lady kisses. It was going to be a great summer. Right?

Wrong. Santana had been so wrong. She'd really broken Brittany's heart by pretending to be with Karofsky. It was the last straw, and the blonde was barely speaking to her. She could take a ban on sweet lady kisses, she could take a ban on pinky holding, but being given the cold shoulder was absolutely unbearable. To add to it, Quinn had disappeared and was nowhere to be found at Cheerios bootcamp that summer which left them without a mediator. Santana finally had enough and pulled the captain card on Brittany. She never did that, but as Cheerios captain she could order anyone she wanted to stay behind. She'd done it to plenty of other girls, but she never needed to do that for Brittany.

"What?" Brittany spat as Santana told her to stay behind after practice "I executed that routine perfectly, even Coach said so and she never says that."

"Well obviously you need to learn to control your attitude around your captain." Santana snarled.

"Oh that's RICH coming from you. You have the worst attitude of anyone I've ever met." Brittany scoffed "you're such a fucking bitch Santana you don't even realize it." Brittany said and then she realized what she'd just said and guilt washed over her. She started to apologize but Santana held up her hand.

"Don't apologize. You're completely right." Santana sighed "I am a bitch and I have a bad attitude. I just don't understand when those things meant things weren't okay between us. I thought things were finally good."

"I'm sorry I shut you out, I just don't know how to talk about this stuff. And I assumed you wouldn't want to. You hate talking about emotions, and Miss Holliday isn't here to help this time." Brittany whimpered.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry. I know I've been like that. But look, I want to figure out what's got your pout all permanent." Santana said, gesturing to the bleachers "So let's talk."

"Right now?" Brittany asked "While we're all sweaty?"

"I'm gonna wimp out, I just know it. We have to do this now." Santana explained and Brittany nodded, sitting beside her. "So, what did I do?"

"Well, you didn't mean to hurt me, I don't think so anyway." Brittany shrugged "But you did. Especially when you dated Karofsky."

The slowest way is never loving them enough

"What do you mean especially? Have I been hurting you for a while?" Santana asked, her heart shattering.

"Yeah, you have San. Ever since we started high school, but especially this past year. When you told me you loved me. But even before that when you were with Sam or Puck and still came to me for sweet lady kisses. I don't understand why I'm not enough for you." Brittany's voice cracked as a few tears slipped down her face.

"I…I didn't do it to hurt you. I didn't do it because I didn't love you. You always loved me enough. I just can't handle the stares or the talks at this school. Look at Kurt." Santana sighed "I shouldn't have stood you up on Fondue for Two, but I was scared."

"But why? No one would dare say something mean to you." Brittany asks, and Santana loves her innocence but also hates that it makes her naive at times.

"It's not what they say to me. It's what they say about me. I know that doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's what it is." Santana says.

"It felt like I was constantly being cheated on, and Santana I'm just not sure I can go through it again. That's why I haven't been talking to you and I haven't let you have sweet lady kisses."

I didn't know you were keeping count

"So…everytime we had sweet lady kisses you knew it was…" Santana shook her head sadly "Brittany what I do with you is so much more important and special."

"But it doesn't always feel that way, when you say it's better without feelings or you're only there cause Pucks in juvie- how did you expect me to feel? I felt used, Santana." Brittany was exasperated.

"I haven't been fair to you…I got so mad about Artie and then I turned around and did the same thing." Santana groaned "God, I really am a huge bitch. I hurt you. I hurt my best friend, the only person who's ever been kind to me despite it all."

Santana had been with guys constantly ever since that first time with Puck, she really had no idea that Brittany felt so strongly about it. I mean, in her eyes, she thought they'd both been doing the same thing. Sleeping with guys as a way to keep their status intact. It was what Cheerios did. Heck even Artie served that function for Brittany, and it was really hard to keep any sort of popularity when you associated with him. What she didn't grasp was Brittany always had wanted it to be them. That every guy Brittany dated, which was a much shorter list containing only Mike and Artie, was a distraction. Santana had done the opposite. Brittany was the distraction from her terrible relationships with men she felt absolutely nothing for. Sure, Brittany had felt things for Artie and Mike, but it was a falsified sense of love. Santana just tried to drown her feelings for Brittany with men and go back to Brittany to drown her feelings about men. It was a vicious cycle that Brittany didn't deserve. Santana had never meant to hurt the kindest and most beautiful soul she'd ever met. But her string of flings had.

"I just wish I could really understand why…" Brittany chews in her lip "I get the talks and all but there has to be more."

"It really was all fear. But not just fear of that. And I'm still afraid. Internally especially. It's so hard to come to terms with the fact that I'm…I'm a…I'm gay…" Santana whispered "I knew that I loved you but coming to terms with being a…that's been really scary."

"So all this time you've been scared?" Brittany asked.

"Terrified, Britt. But I can't stand to hide anymore. It's just so scary to leave behind that safety that comes with hiding." Santana takes Brittany's hands "I can't do it without you though."

"Sanny…" Brittany pulls the Latina into her arms as tears spill from mocha eyes, soaking her t-shirt. "I love you so much, '' Brittany whispers. "And I will be there for you, because I know very little scares you. Seeing you torn up and broken down over something…I know that there has got to be something powerful behind it. And I think I know what it is."

"I love you so much it hurts Britt. It hurts." Santana holds the girl tightly. "But I can't deny it anymore." Finally, she had said what Brittany needed to hear. She knew that by the way the blonde crashed their lips together, tears streaming down their faces, salty tears flowing into their kiss. They finally hit the showers before returning to their cabin at Cheerios camp. As Captain one of Santana's privileges was her own cabin, and up until now she'd hated it because it was cold and empty without Brittany. But now that there was a blonde cuddled up beside her she'd never been happier. Cuddling led to more, another reason to be grateful they were alone. Tan hands snuck under Brittany's waistband, pale hips bucking to meet talented fingers. Santana wanted to make it clear how much Brittany meant to her, and being the one to give first was something she'd never done before. She always came to Brittany looking for that sweet relief. But seeing then how Brittany was, something she often missed previously when getting the blonde off in her own post orgasmic haze, she knew watching the girl fall apart was one of her favorite sights.

The rest of the summer followed a similar pattern, and locked away from most of Lima at cheer camp, Santana had been able to quiet her fears. Returning to McKinley was another story, but she made no distinct effort to hide things, she just also didn't broadcast then. Brittany was relatively flexible when it came to avoiding PDA, and Santana appreciated the girl's willingness to wait until she was ready. Being together outside of school was enough for the time being. However, within school, she found infidelity far more appealing, particularly in the Glee sense.

It started with Cheerios.

Do I really have to chart the constellations in their eyes?

Sue had convinced Santana to work as a double agent against the Glee club again. It didn't take much convincing after she was pushed aside after winning Sectionals for them. No more solos or features at competitions for the rest of the year? What kind of crazy person would sit out the star player? Rachel could sing and all, but Valerie was a standout as what really put them above. There were Rachels on every Glee Club, but not every Glee club had a Santana. So she'd gladly ruin a few purple pianos. She did, however, lose her spot on the Glee Club because of her actions. She was a bit upset, especially because it meant she couldn't be with Brittany during that time. It took her a few weeks to convince everyone she really could be loyal again to Glee club. She had to swear on her entire family and her bling but at least she could spend more time with Brittnay. Honestly though, she still wasn't happy, but where was she going to go. All that changed when Mercedes left and gave her an amazing offer.

It shouldn't have come as any surprise that Santana wanted to leave the New Directions. She was still furious with Rachel and Finn after the stunt they pulled, and she wasn't one to be pushed to the back. The Troubletones offered her something that The New Directions didn't. She would be a featured star, she could dance with Brittany, she could sing with Mercedes. It was an easy choice, as long as she could get Brittany to join. Finn made that a whole lot easier for her when he called the blonde 'stupid'. It was almost too easy after that. Finally, she had the girl, she had the spotlight, she had the popularity. Everything was working out in Santana's favor. Her senior year would be perfect, Cheerios Captain and Glee Club star, not to mention two guaranteed National Championships? Nothing could bring her down. Or so she thought. All that was about to change after an argument with Finn. She tries to ignore his comments, because this is the first time he's ever said something that's actually affected her. He was usually pretty awful at insulting her, even worse with Rory by his side. She should've known eventually he'd realize he knew her biggest insecurity and would exploit it. But it still froze her in her tracks.

"Hey Santana, why don't you just come out of the closet?" He finally catches her attention. She pauses, but doesn't dare turn to face him. She can tell he's moving towards her though.

"You know, I think I know why you're so good at tearing everybody else down. It's because you're constantly tearing yourself down because you can't admit to everybody that you're in love with Brittany and she might not love you back. That must hurt, to not be able to admit to everyone how you really feel." Her eyes are glassy, tears threaten to spill but she won't let them. Not in the middle of the hallway. Not now. "You know what I think you are? A coward. See you at the Mash Off." Finn walks off, leaving standing there in shock, blinking back tears, and feeling something she's not sure how to describe. She thinks this is what it feels like when you've been properly insulted. Either way, she needs Brittany. Brittany loved her, Finn was wrong, wasn't he? He had to be wrong. Santana had to believe that Brittany loved her.

Do I really need to tell you how she brought me back to life?