Chapter 13: Bert, Tom & William
"Mutton yesterday, mutton today. And blimey, if it don't look like mutton again tomorrow." The first Troll, Bert, complained. Bilbo and Belinda prepared themselves. "Quit your griping. These ain't sheep. These is West nags." The second Troll, William, who brought the ponies said. "Oh! I don't like horse. I never have. Not enough fat on them." The last Troll, Tom, complained.
Bilbo and Belinda saw that William placed the ponies in a nearby pen. "Well, it's better than leathery old farmer. All skin and bone he was. I'm still picking pieces of him out of me teeth." Bert said as he tasted the stew he was cooking. Bilbo and Belinda snuck over as Tom sneezed into the stew. "Oh, that's lovely, that is. A floater." Bert said. "Oh! Might improve the flavor." William said. "Ah. There's more where that came from." Tom said, preparing to hock up some more loogies. But Bert grabbed his nose while William picked up a knife and sharpened it against a rock. "Oh no, you don't!" He growled. Tom moaned in pain as Bilbo and Belinda snuck further to the pen. "Sit down!" Bert exclaimed, shoving Tom back into his seat. As Tom prepared to sneeze again, he brought out his hankie and blew his nose as Bilbo and Belinda tried to untie the ropes on the pen. But they quickly took cover as Tom turned to the ponies. "I hope you're gonna gut these nags. I don't like the stinky parts." Tom said. But then Bert smacked him in the head with his spoon. "I said sit down!" He exclaimed as Bilbo and Belinda went back to the rope.
"I'm starving! Are we having horse tonight or what?!" William asked impatiently. "Shut your cake hole. You'll eat what I'll give you." Bert said. Bilbo and Belinda, finding it impossible to untie the rope, noticed a blade on Tom's belt. They thought that the blade would be sharp enough to cut the rope. "How come he's the cook? Everything tastes the same. Everything tastes like chicken." William complained. "Except the chicken." Tom said. "What tastes like fish!" William exclaimed. "I'm just saying, a little appreciation would be nice." Bert said as Bilbo and Belinda found themselves hesitant to try and get Tom's blade. Bert thought he sensed something, but went back to stirring the stew. "Thank you very much, Bert. Lovely stew, Bert. How hard is that?" He asked.
Bilbo and Belinda slowly started crawling back towards the Trolls, hopelessly trying to shush the ponies. Then they ducked as Tom reached around for something. "Just needs a sprinkle of squirrel dung." Bert said. Tom then grabbed a pint. "Here, that's my grog!" Bert snapped. Tom whimpered as Bilbo and Belinda finally quieted down the ponies. "Sorry." Tom said before Bert smacked him with his spoon again. Then Bert took a spoonful of stew and tasted it. "Ooh. That is beautifully balanced, that is." He said, enjoying the taste. "Wrap your laughing gear around that, mate." He held out the spoon of stew to Tom and he guzzled down what was left in it as Bilbo and Belinda snuck around behind him. "Good ain't it?" Bilbo and Belinda got within reach of the blade and prepared to take it. "That's why I'm the cook." Bert said. Before Bilbo and Belinda could remove the blade, Tom stood up. The Hobbits ducked as he started scratching his butt, making them disgusted. Then after a second, he sat back down. "Me guts are grumbling. I've got to snaffle something. Flesh. I need flesh!" Willaim exclaimed.
As Bilbo and Belinda slowly prepared for another go at the blade, Tom, feeling another sneeze coming on, unknowingly grabbed them as he reached around and sneezed into them. The sight of them covered in his boogers caught his surprise. "Blimey! Bert! Bert! Look what's come out of me hooter! They've got arms and legs and everything!" He exclaimed as Bert and William gathered to see. "What are they?" Bert asked as Bilbo and Belinda wriggled in Tom's hand. "I don't know. But I don't like the way they wriggle around!" Tom said, tossing the Hobbits down at the ground.
Bilbo and Belinda quickly got up. "What are you then? Oversized squirrels?" William asked, pointing his knife at them. "We're burglars- Uh- Hobbits." Bilbo stuttered as Belinda nodded quickly. "Burglar Hobbits?" Tom asked. "Can we cook them?" William asked, licking his lips. "We can try!" Tom said, trying to grab the Hobbits. Bilbo and Belinda tried to run, but Bert blocked them. "They wouldn't make more then a mouthful. Not when their skinned and boned!" Bert exclaimed, pushing them back with his spoon. "Perhaps there's more Burglar Hobbits around these parts." William said, poking Bilbo with his knife. "Might be enough for a pie!" As he pushed the Hobbits back, Bert and Tom tried to grab them, but they moved too fast. "Grab them!" Bert yelled. "They're too quick!" Tom exclaimed. Bilbo and Belinda ran under Tom's legs as Bert tried to swat them, but hit Tom's leg. "Oh, come here, you little…!" But then William grabbed the Hobbits by their feet and held them up. "Gotcha! Are there any more of you little fellas hiding where you shouldn't?" He asked, threatening them with his knife. "No." Bilbo said. "No, just us." Belinda said. "They're lying." Tom said. "No, we're not!" Bilbo protested. "Hold their toes over the fire! Make them squeal!" Tom said.
Just then, Kili came out of the shrubs and slashed Tom's leg, making him squeal. Kili then slashed Tom's toes. "Drop them!" He shouted. "You what?" William asked. "I said drop them." Kili said. William growled and tossed Bilbo and Belinda at Kili, knocking him down. Then Thorin, Tharia, Varder and the Dwarves came running out of the bushes, weapons ready, and started attacking the Trolls. Dwalin bashed William in his belly with his hammer. Thorin slashed Tom's leg with his sword. Then Bombur smacked Tom's butt with his ladle. Bert kicked Ori, but Bofur came in and bashed his toes with his hammer, making him roar in pain. Bilbo and Belinda moved quickly through the battle. "GET THE SACKS! STICK THEM IN THE SACKS!" William shouted. Bilbo and Belinda saw that the ponies were getting restless from the battle.
Kili slashed at Tom's fingers and slid under him. When Tom came around with a punch, Kili stabbed him in the stomach with his sword. Gloin followed with his axe and Mori followed with her pickaxe. Tharia slashed at Bert's thighs with her knives. But then Bert moved in to grab her. Varder came in and stabbed Bert's hand with his sword.
Bilbo and Belinda picked up the blade, having been dropped by Tom in the commotion, headed back to the pen and started cutting the rope.
Tom picked up Nori by his mace, earning a kick to the face. But Ori fired a pebble from his slingshot, hitting Tom in the eye and making him drop Nori. Tom snarled and moved towards Ori, who ran in fear, only to get grabbed by William. Dwalin leapt off the stew bowl and Thorin leapt off his back, slicing William's arm, making him drop Ori and step on the fire, spilling the stew. Dwalin then smacked him with his hammer as he came around. Thorin slashed at William's legs. Dori hit Bert in the groin with his 3-chained flail. As Bert dropped to his knees, Dwalin hit his cheek with his hammer, breaking his teeth.
After a while, Bilbo and Belinda finally cut through the rope, opening the pen and letting the ponies free. Unfortunately, William noticed this and started towards the Hobbits.
Tom grabbed Ori, but Fili slashed Tom's fingers, making him toss Ori to the other Dwarves. Just then, they all stopped fighting. They saw that Bilbo and Belinda were captured by the Trolls. "Bilbo!" Kili shouted. "No!" Thorin exclaimed, stopping Kili. Willaim and Bert had Bilbo by his arms and legs while Tom held Belinda tightly. "Lay down your arms! Or we'll rip his off!" William warned. Varder and the Dwarves stood their ground for a while. Bilbo and Belinda watched in fear at whatever decision the company will make. Tharia made the first move. She threw down her knives, not wanting to see the Hobbits die. Especially Bilbo. Varder threw down his sword next. Seeing that there was no choice, Thorin buried his sword's blade into the ground. The other Dwarves soon dropped their weapons too, accepting surrender.