Chapter 14: The Dawn takes the Trolls
The Trolls had tied Dwalin, Bifur, Bofur, Dori, Nori and Ori to a rotary and started cooking them over a fire. "Don't bother cooking 'em. Let's just sit on 'em and squash 'em into jelly." Tom said. "They should be sauteed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage." Bert said. "Is this really necessary?" Nori asked. "That does sound quite nice." Tom said, licking his lips. Thorin, Tharia, Bilbo, Belinda, Varder and the other Dwarves were stuck into sacks, struggling to get free. "Never mind the seasoning. We ain't got all night! Dawn ain't far away. Let's get a move on! I don't fancy being turned to stone." William said as he and Bert rotated the tied Dwarves over the fire.
Then Bilbo and Belinda, hearing that last part, got an idea. "Wait!" Bilbo called, getting the Trolls' attention. "You are making a terrible mistake." He said. "Yes, a very, very terrible mistake." Belinda said. "You can't reason with them! They're half-wits!" Dori exclaimed. "Half-wits? What does that make us?" Bofur asked. "We meant with…uh, with the…with the seasoning." Bilbo said as he and Belinda managed to stand themselves up. "Yes, the seasoning." Belinda agreed. "What about the seasoning?" Bert asked. "Well, have you smelt them? You're gonna need something stronger than sage before you plate this lot up." Bilbo said. "The males especially. They smell way worse than the females do." Belinda said. The Dwarves started exclaiming, calling the Hobbits traitors. "What do you 2 know about cooking Dwarf?" William asked. "Shut up, and let the…uh, Flurgerburbur-Hobbits talk." Bert said. "Uh, the secret to cooking Dwarf is um-" Bilbo started, trying to think of a good lie. "Yes?" Bert asked. "It's uh-" Belinda tried to say. "Come on! Tell us the secret!" Bert said. "Yes, we're telling you! The secret is…to…skin them first!" Bilbo said. "Yes! Skin them! Right down to the juicy parts!" Belinda cheered. And boy, that got the Dwarves mad. But Varder saw what they were doing. "Tom, get me filleting knife." Bert said. "I'll skin you both, you little-" Gloin shouted. "I won't forget that! I won't forget it!" Dwalin exclaimed.
"What a load of rubbish! I've eaten plenty with their skins on! Scoff 'em I say. Boots and all." William said. Suddenly, Bilbo and Belinda saw Gandalf and Selindra sneaking around the bushes nearby. "He's right. Nothing wrong with a bit o' raw Dwarf!" Tom said as he grabbed Bombur and raised him up over his head. "Nice and crunchy." He said as he prepared to eat the big Dwarf. "No, not that one! He's infected!" Bilbo called, catching Tom's attention. "You what?" William asked. "Yeah, he's got worms in his…tubes." Bilbo said. Tom dropped Bombur back on the other Dwarves, making them groan at his heaviness. "In fact, they all have. They're infested with parasites. It's a terrible business. I wouldn't risk it, I really wouldn't." Bilbo said. "Neither would I." Belinda said
"Parasites? Did they say parasites?" Oin asked. "Yeah, we don't have parasites! You have parasites! Both of you!" Kili shouted as the other Dwarves started complaining. Bilbo, Belinda and Varder were deadpanned by the Dwarves' stupidity. But Tharia knew that the Hobbits were buying them time. She whispered their plan to Thorin. After he caught on, he kicked Kili, making the others realize what the Hobbits were doing. "I've got parasites as big as my arm!" Oin exclaimed. "Mine are as huge as my breastplate!" Mori exclaimed. "Mine are the biggest parasites! I got huge parasites!" Kili exclaimed. The Trolls looked at all of them as they started agreeing. "We're riddled!" Nori exclaimed. "Yes, I'm riddled!" Ori exclaimed. "Yes, we are. Badly." Dori said.
"What would you have us do then? Let 'em all go?" William asked. "Well…" Bilbo started to say. "If it isn't too much trouble…" Belinda started to say. "You think I don't know what you 2 are up to?" William asked, poking Bilbo before going back to the rotary. "These little ferrets are taking us for fools!" "Ferrets?!" Bilbo exclaimed. "Fools?!" Bert asked. "The dawn will take you all!" Gandalf called as he and Selindra appeared on top of a rock. Everyone looked up at him. "Who're they?" William asked. "No idea." Bert said. "Can we eat them too?" Tom asked. Then Gandalf used his staff to strike the rock and magically break it in half, exposing the sunrise's rays on the Trolls. The Trolls started groaning as the sunlight turned their skin to stone. And in just a few seconds, they became still as statues. Bilbo and Belinda were shocked by this. The Dwarves and Varder all started laughing at their saviors. Even Thorin cracked a smile. "Ooh, get your foot out of my back!" Dwalin exclaimed.