Author's Notes:
AlexianBlithworth: Wow, It was a pleasant surprise that you decided to reply back, thank you so much for your detailed feedback!
GreenD109: Welcome to the ride! those two are definitely far from being "bundles of joy", that's for sure.
Disclaimer: I don't own The Loud House, the brand, as well as all of its characters and settings belong to Chris Savino and Nickelodeon, all rights reserved.
Chapter 73: Black.
Lucy's P.O.V:
.
"Failure attracts the dread of her heart
Dying in hopes of feeling love back
Her means of expression reduced to an art
The Pink in her life has faded to black"
.
"Ambition and power, his new drive to live
Chasing in hopes of getting love back
His goal for redemption is hard to achieve
Orange, to him, is now the new black"
.
I lie in by coffin, counting the drafts one by one, my life has been reduced to this, it's only natural.
What was once a way to vent my perverse artistic freedom, has now turned into a mission to prove my worthiness as a human.
What does it mean to be a human? Is it to accept diversity and chaos? Is it to establish an order and a purpose?
Lisa has a point: Life is about combating entropy, finding order in chaos, but this takes energy, a lot of energy, and ultimately, it is but a fleeting, ephemeral, experience.
My life was all about accepting said chaos back, to seek for the death, to communicate with the souls of the ones that already embraced entropy, living astray in unfulfilled promises and impossible missions, to assist the condemned with somber words of resignation as I saw their last fleeting moments of struggle, to fantasize with binding my soul to the corrupted heart of beings that lived the feeling of death as part of their normal lives, like vampires and ghosts.
Which is why black was my color, a color of darkness, mystery, despair and death, the opposite of light, the color that absorbs the hope in light, and keeps it concealed forever, a color that justifies acts of evil and embraces chaos, for when the universe achieves complete entropy, darkness will reign.
However, it's hard to represent black when said chaos had a purpose, as I would realize later on; I used the dead to help the living, using Lucille as a way to warn my family of Morag's plan, using the ghosts of the cemetery to help my club, or using the serenity of an obituary to allow the souls of many innocent pets to rest in peace.
Over time, even I realized that this chaos was not something that I was ready to accept, my constant, suicidal thoughts stopped soon after, as I grew up, I learned to appreciate life, I learned to embrace the warmth of my family and my friends and I even learned the true meaning of love, for no matter how ephemeral and empty this fleeting period of existence is, the fight against chaos, is something worth doing.
So then, did I stop being tainted in black?
Not really.
Chaos is not something to be found exclusively in death, chaos lingers in the mind of everyone, from the most heinous psychopath, to the most innocent little child, chaos happens when the living go against the prescribed suppositions of order, according to it's own species.
A herd of monkeys find chaos when a new alpha arrives and steals the food.
A shoal of tuna find chaos when its individuals follow distinct paths in front of a net.
A nest of wasps find chaos if their queen is killed.
And a family of humans find chaos when its members engage in non-approved rituals of affection.
I found a new wave of chaos to latch on to, my life would not make sense without it, I found the darkness beneath the optimist exterior of orange and the lovely appearance of pink, and I took it upon myself to allow said darkness to grow.
And that is, perhaps, my biggest regret now.
I am tainted in black, I always was, and now, Lincoln and Lola are also tainted in black.
So it's no surprise, that this entire family has fallen into utter chaos and despair.
And hiding in the darkness is no longer an option, for there is darkness everywhere.
But what is the meaning behind said chaos?
Is it the simple act of forbidden, sinful love? Are those the inherent consequences of loving someone that shares your blood? Is incest alone powerful enough to turn the core of a family upside down and destroy entire societies?
Thorough the ages, humans have feared exactly that; incest means the destruction and aberration of family bonds, to accept it and normalize it, one would have to excuse the inherent perversion that it brings, of fathers being allowed to abuse their filial authority to command their daughters to please them, of kings and queens expecting their royal purity to be maintained through generations, biological consequences disregarded, of endogamous societies isolating themselves further from the world, eventually going feral, of its inherent connotation in allowing advocacy of pedophilia and power imbalance, ergo, statutory-rape.
Perhaps, for the maintenance of a healthy, functional society, there are reasons beyond the purely biological to forbid it.
But maybe, that's also a problem, my family was destroyed due to incest, that is a fact, but perhaps, it wasn't the sinful act itself that caused it, but rather…
…the intolerance and aversion to it that did it, which is no doubt a natural reaction of humans, but seeing it enforced by law, only makes the damage worse, for it introduces fear to the overall concoction of chaos.
And fear leads to hatred.
*Bzzt*
Speaking of which.
I pull up my phone, I guess I can call myself the "lucky one", Lincoln will only communicate with me, my number can message him back, but he'll only answer when he's the one making the questions.
But in these instances, I chose to be the one to not answer.
*Lucy Idid it*
9:32PM
*What brother?*
9:33PM
*i sold the wbsite Im a fcking milionare*
9:34PM
*I am pleased to hear that, Lincoln*
9:34PM
*roght its fucking awrsome how everything over therw?*
9:35PM
*Everything is stable*
9:35PM
*ot better be Lola how she?
9:36PM
*She's fine, she's a little down because she lost her last pageant, but she doesn't take defeat as badly as before*
9:38PM
*who was th judge*
9:39PM
*I don't know Lincoln*
9:40PM
*giv me names n ill do somthing*
9:41PM
*i think ill betyhere next week*
9:43PM
*Brother you know you can't come*
9:44PM
*lik I need that dedweigt to teel me what to do*
9:45PM
*im cming for her*
9:47PM
*hey luz*
9:55PM
*u still ther?
10:11PM
He's doing it again, getting wasted, chatting with me as if he was friendly, everything is about him or Lola, not a single question directed at me, then, I would just answer for the sake of indicating that I was paying attention.
But, this is new, he sold his website, the one that he used to become rich, a short term decision, but a lucrative one, I am in no position to question his sound business decisions, for he is a natural born negotiator, but this doesn't sound right.
What it he's serious this time? What if he'll actually force his way in the house?
What if he hurts dad, or mom, or everyone else?
My brother is unpredictable, but his drunken confessions all have something in common.
His contempt is real, I fear for the safety of my family, he's got the physique to hurt us, he's got the social skills to destroy us emotionally, and he's got the power to protect himself if we decide to retaliate.
I can only hope that he doesn't go off the deep end and fully gets lost to darkness.
He wants Lola, I can understand that, but he lacks the context that the rest of us have of her…
There is a reason why I decided to stay, I am now 18, by family tradition, I should already be studying linguistics in Fairway University alongside Haiku and Persephone, but I can't leave, if I want to prove myself to be human.
I must help her, at all costs, it's only right, I must show her to not embrace chaos, in the same way that life taught me.
Given that she refuses professional intervention, the duty is mine to keep an eye on her, I'm responsible for her state, everyone in this house is, we must stay by her side and support her, we must encourage her to support her dreams, Lisa found a temporal solution, averting her biggest mistake, but it can't be forever.
I fear deeply for her, because I know about depression, worthlessness and self-hatred, and how easy of a solution it sounded…
… To end it all.
*Knock Knock*
And now, to atone for my own failure at preventing this situation from happening in the first place, the least I can do, is to support the only light remaining in this pool of darkness.
- Come in, Lily - I say as warmly as I can.
She bursts into my room, agitated.
- Lucy, please, we have to do something, Lola is not well, I know Linky can fix this! - She says, without an ounce of shame, I sense deep agitation.
- Lily, I understand your hope and optimism, but Lincoln is not in a state where he can help Lola either, remember, he doesn't know that Lola drank… that - I lower my head as I remember the most heinous, unforgivable action committed in this house.
Perhaps, if there is one person that deserves to face the wrath of my brother, it's Lisa.
- I know but… - Lily reveals her sorrow, being the youngest is a curse that I wouldn't wish upon anyone, at only 11 years old, she had to witness the worst part of this family - … I counted the pills Luz, she ate three today! - Of course, leave it to Lily to be perceptive to a fault, she can sense emotions from a dead corpse.
And now, she can back up that empathy with uncanny levels of spatial awareness and memory, nothing goes unnoticed, not even my attempts at hiding emotion or truth.
It was a thing that the family already knew for a while; although not Lisa levels, at least in terms of analytical intelligence, Lily was a prodigy in more ways than one, able to create complex traps and machinations to put even Luan's pranks to shame at the uncanny age of 2 and a half and capable of recalling events as far back as an early infant.
It was no wonder that she would catch on so quickly to Lola's issue.
The only real surprise, however, is how adamant she has been about getting the two back together, an energy and optimism that I never had, even when I tried to defend them against the others…
- In that case, I'll be keeping a watch on her, don't worry Lily, I also care about Lola's well being - I explain truthfully, my words are empty without a solid plan, but I need to ease her concerns.
- Please, big sis, she didn't even greet us today, what if those pills aren't helping her anymore? - That is a very real concern, I admit.
- Then we can spend time with her tomorrow, make her feel welcome, watch a movie with her, like how we do every weekend - It's everything we can do.
- And the story? Will she get better if I show it to her? - I was afraid of this question.
- Lily, I know that you love that story, but it's potentially a great source of trauma that our sister may want to forget, we can't take that risk - I answer honestly, anything that reminds her of Lincoln is still off limits, even if she can't technically recover those feelings.
- … fine - She crosses her arms and pouts in disappointment, I feel sorry for her… - … can I ask you a question? - To my surprise, she looks back at me.
- …depends - I don't want to keep indulging in her curiosity towards taboo subjects.
- … why do you write? -
.
Now, that is a question that I wasn't expecting, and one that I can't just answer in simple words.
- … I write for fun - No… that can't just be it - … I write to express myself in a world that doesn't allow different opinions to be heard - My mind struggles at this question - … I write to convey my current thoughts and immortalize them in words that I can re-read when I feel lost in my own head - I somehow feel these words escape my mouth without even truly thinking about them - … I write to explore my inner, most intimate feelings, so that my own consciousness can deal with them appropriately and help me cope if necessary - Her question somehow wakes a primal part of me.
- Ok, then, another question sis - Lily stops my train of thoughts, I don't say a word, but she can go ahead and say it.
- Why wouldn't Lola be allowed to do the same? -
This question, I can't answer, Lily has touched a part of me that had remained long dormant, I now realize I have no arguments to stand on my own.
I don't have a right to stop Lily from showing that notebook to Lola.
My silence is an answer, after 5 minutes, Lily finally leaves the room, she's perceptive, she knows when I need to be left alone.
.
What does it mean to be a human? To live in fear and regret? To place a bet on hope despite the risk?
Am I actually helping Lola by keeping her away from him? Am i being selfish for not allowing her to express herself the way I can?
But what if that's just another way to express black?
Or is it necessarily a bad thing?
Black is nihilistic, but it's also confident, powerful and serious.
… Perhaps that's why Lincoln replaced Ace Savvy for David Steele, or why he shares the love for the undead with me.
Black is dramatic, but also sophisticate, elegant and independent.
… Perhaps that's why Lola uses a black leotard, or why she got along with my club, and myself.
Black is mysterious, but it's also certain, unambiguous and decisive.
Which is what I forgot about myself… I felt powerless to stop the destruction of the family before, I felt afraid at making things worse.
But I want to save my siblings, that is for certain.
Maybe that's what it means to be a human, to acknowledge one's own chaos, including our inevitable demise, but to fight against it to instill order; to embrace the dark in order to create light.
Lincoln and Lola have faced the darkness and are now tainted in black, but maybe that is exactly why only they can help each other out of this endless hole of despair.
And maybe through that perspective, black is not a bad thing.
*Knock Knock*
And maybe, that's how I can also begin this fight.
- Come in, mom - it all starts with a decision.