Author's Notes: mmm... yeah, I think a prudent Trigger Warning is due for this chapter, not for smut or anything, just... read. We're wrapping up this arc as well, so i'll ask a little more of your time while I have the next chapter ready, thanks for sticking through!
king Ks: I like cliffhangers, sorry!
SuperLuigiFan18: Poor Leni! Lincoln went too far by expressing his hatred for others into her.
tylerdunkley82: Welcome to the ride! as for the pills, yeah unfortunately Lola was overdosing on them, there's a point in which you just feel... numb because of them, as for suddenly stopping their use, well...
Disclaimer: I don't own The Loud House, the brand, as well as all of its characters and settings belong to Chris Savino and Nickelodeon, all rights reserved.
Chapter 81: Withdrawal.
Lincoln's P.O.V:
Hi everyone! It's been a while since I spoke to you guys directly, as you may know, I've grown a lot, got a pretty impressive apartment to call my own and a lot of money to support me 'till the day I die.
It's all good and dandy, I got everything I need here, with my awesome car, and impressive TV with lots of games, a shit ton of people that owe me money that I can use to my liking…
Oh, and i guess the "girl of my dreams" lives with me, well… she kind of has to, nobody else would want her.
Not for a single second, she's the single most hateful human being that you'll ever meet.
Worse than me, even, haha.
Anyways, let me tell you how It feels like to spend a day with a person with her… "condition", just a quick summary.
At 7:00AM, I'm up, getting out of the bed before she does, then, I walk into my kitchen to prepare breakfast, I have to be incredibly careful with hers, she likes Deviled eggs, and will literally throw the dish in my face if they are not exactly the way she wants them.
At 8:00AM, I take advantage of her "extra" sleeping time and go to the mall, have some drinks, maybe a quick visit to the gym, an arranged meeting with a debtor, and sometimes I even look for a quirky cosmetic that she might be interested on… only for her to throw it to the trash by the end of the day, at least I tried, right?
At 12:00PM, I'm back, praying that nothing happened, oh! She woke up? Then I order copious amounts of food to… suit her new needs, I would probably invite her to a classy restaurant, but that's kind of hard in this town, what with us getting banned from every single one of them after she made a scene whenever something was not even slightly to her liking… and that's counting the time where I was actually able to get her out of the house…
At 2:00PM, I guess I'm free, yay! Well, except that I have to keep my watch on her at all times, drag her to watch a movie with me (even if she complains the entire way through), or else she locks the door to my bathroom as she proceeds to destroy my stuff and… self-harm… again.
At 5:00PM, I forcefully drag her to our yoga sessions in the living room, where I am to be present at all times, so I can personally deal with her if she gets… out of control.
At 7:00PM, another order of various delicacies, I like to enrich her palate with sweets and desserts for the night (not like she's up for anything else), but I have to be careful, or I could get a pie to my face, and not as a joke.
At 9:00PM, I'm done, tired about the entirety of the day, and so is she, fortunately, so I just cuddle with her frame as she drifts to sleep, only to then turn around to the opposite side… I just can't deal with her unwashed body odor.
Now imagine that, plus insults and fights every step in the way, for the last three weeks.
And also, imagine still trying to delude myself everyday with the idea of getting my Lola back…
Because I know that this hell is here to haunt me for the rest of my life, this train wreck of a girl that refuses to study, to go to her pageants, or even out of that room, was all that was left… After I refused to get her those pills again.
Blame me for all you've got, but at least that way, there is a chance for me to make her real self come back.
Even if she fucking hates me.
Whatever, I guess I should focus on what I'm doing right now; taking a well deserved break in my pool, with a few bottles of wine by my side, after finally getting her to doze off, it's 10:00PM and I should probably be asleep to be able to keep up.
But my mind needed this, as I watch the clear night sky of Sandy Flats, time seems to stop for a moment, I feel peace, for once, with myself, and the world.
The world that left me to rot…
Anyways, serenity, relaxation, my breathing exercises, they all help a lot, but a part of me will always be on maximum alert.
I fear getting betrayed, but not by them, that was expected.
I fear being betrayed by myself.
Because no matter what I do, that desire for revenge won't stop.
They took my face and did uncountable memes with it, mocking me and the person I loved most, they said unspeakable things to damage our dignity in social media, I was the clown, the butt of the joke, and my supposed "friends" joined in, not a single day could I live my life without the stares, the… tomatoes in my window, the bitches that came in daily to ruin that house…
And that was the happy part, because at least I had her, our love was forbidden, I knew that.
But who the fuck were they to have any moral authority over me?
They took her away from me, they took everything away from me, sent me to a hellhole, where I was beaten for not tending to fucking cats and her rotten feet, where I was always the fucking "disgusting embarrassment who fucked a child", where I received a stare of pure hatred everyday, no sympathy, no visits, NOTHING! Then I was on my own, alone in the streets, without anyone even coming to give me anything other than hard stares, nobody cared, NOBODY, I had to do EVERYTHING on my own, my studies, my health, my fucking food, you think that was fair!? You think it was okay? I was a teenager, why wasn't I given a chance? Where were the people who swore to love me and support me "no matter what"? WHERE WERE THEY!?
Oh, you think they were there to give her back to me? You think that was kindness? forgiveness? trust? Fucking BULLSHIT!
It was only when they realized I was becoming powerful on my own that they actually caved in to fear, well you better fear me you bastards!
And of course… I should have known…
To give me my happily ever after was probably too much, so instead, they gave me this empty husk with the face of the woman I loved, they toyed with a helpless girl and took her humanity away, only then did they "give her away" to me, to fix her right? because I was the immoral one, right?
And now I have to carry this statue for the rest of my life… Humanity is rotten to the core.
Yeah, maybe I should just pick the phone and..
- Hi Linky~ - Fuck, no.
- My princess, do you want me to get you something? - I quickly rise from the pool, doing my hardest to be positive for her, she usually doesn't get up when she finally falls asleep.
- No, actually, may I join you? - Lola replies with a kind tone… too kind.
- Uh, sure, of course you can! - I almost got out of character right there, but… what the fuck?
Then… wait, oh shit, she's actually taking her clothes off, NO!
Too late, she's now in her underwear, I can't say that it is the most flattering view ever though, she has gotten… chubbier, her hair is a mess, cut marks in her arms, there's also hair in her armpits, and she reeks!
…I guess the pool water will temporally solve the later issue, but still.
(Who are you kidding? You would still tap that, hehe, get help.)
She then proceeds to sink herself into the pool, before resurfacing by my side, as I'm currently sitting in the stairs, she's able to sit besides me without drowning.
- Um, can I also have a sip? - she says while looking at my bottles of wine.
- Sorry Lols, you're not old enough to drink - I clarify before taking anything further, I still have a responsibility as the older one here.
- Right, I'm apparently too young for that, am I not Linky? - …this is weirding me out, I have a bad feeling.
She then does something that makes my heart skip a beat, as she hugs one of my arms and pushes her breasts on it.
This is a cruel prank, even for you, Lola…
- Then how about this, Linky~ - Her empty eyes turn at me, I am feeling extremely uncomfortable right now. - You can touch me all over if you want - she's messing with me again, isn't she?
- No - I turn to the side, avoiding her stare.
- Come on, you know you want to~ - She approaches me again, this time, grabbing my hand and pressing her breast with it.
- I said no - I stand my ground.
- Why not? - She starts to approach my ear - It's time Lincoln, please rape me, that's what you want, don't lie to yourself - She's doing this again, I can feel her nails clawing at my arm, by now it must be bleeding - surely I'm not too young for this right? -
- I would never do that, Lola, you know that - Why does she still think that?
- But what are you talking about, Linky~ - She then attempts to climb my legs, straddling me against the edge of the pool - That is exactly what you did, all those years ago, it felt good didn't it? Taking advantage of a young child? - …what?
What did she say?
- So what's the problem now, Linky? Am I too old for your fantasies now you SICK PEDO? - She lunges forward to me, grabbing me by the neck, attempting to choke me.
Of course, my basic survival instincts is activated, I shove her to the deeper side of the pool as I quickly get away from her assault.
But then I notice that she was drowning, expelling bubbles of air, this couldn't be…
This COULDN'T BE!
I jump in to rescue her.
But all I got was a few bruises, as I forcefully dragged her out of the pool, she was still kicking by face as I did that.
- Let me go, you disgusting creep! - I hear her screaming as I drag her to the bed, as soaked as we are.
Because I too, had enough.
I don't care if I have to repeat that action, the one that brought her into this mindset, but I need to see the end of this for my own sanity,
"If you want to touch me so badly, the do it, but I'll make sure I become the only girl that you hate"
those words are still imprinted in my brain, ever since the day that I took away her meditation and had to physically restrain her from hurting herself with a knife that she took from somewhere around her side of the closet.
Regardless, it's hopeless, I am now on top of her, pinning her to the bed, partly to protect myself from her attacks, partly because I want her to listen to me for once.
- Why are you doing this to me Lola? - I don't even know how to start.
- Actions have consequences, don't they, Linky? - She says with a creepy grin, not even trying to fight back.
And I'm lost, trying to figure out the meaning of that.
- You liked my innocent, childish me, didn't you? -
What are you even saying?
- Young, stupid Lola, your "little princess" who believed in fairytales, so the handsome rich prince Lincoln could save her, didn't you? - She was now doing a potty mouth.
And it's starting to make me angry.
- Go ahead, Linky, touch me everywhere, molest me, I know you want to~ - Her daring attitude, it's making me tense my muscles - I am yours, right? your pretty, little, price? -
- I would never rape you, Lola - She's talking fucking nonsense, why is this affecting me so hard?
- Oh, but you already did, my prince~ - Is she even listening to herself? - The moment you used my desperate body as a child -
She didn't just say that…
- Lola, you were the one that insisted to do that back then! -
- Oh, sorry, I didn't realize that a teenager couldn't stop himself from the advances of a child? - Just then, I saw the most infuriating shit-eating grin she has ever put up - Face it Lincoln, you're a fucking pedophile, an incestuous hypocrite and a monster! - Her face was getting closer to mine, NOT in a good way - Good thing dad got to find out, tee-hee ~ -
And for a moment, my perception faded… I saw red.
When I regained consciousness, I realized that I was placing both of my hands… on her neck.
And I was choking her, and it felt… deserved.
(Do it, prove her right.)
- ack, y-yes! - Lola moaned, I could see her gasping for air, she seemed to be enjoying it too, crossing her legs over my waist, locking me in place.
But… wait… WHAT AM I DOING!?
I'm not a monster, I'm not a monster, I'M NOT A MONSTER!
THEY'RE THE MONSTERS!
I forcefully escaped her lock and placed my back in the wall near the corner of my room.
Then I saw her stabilize, sitting back on and locking at me with… disappointment?
- Why did you stop? - What the fuck am I even looking at? She seems… flustered, panting, almost as if she was… horny?
I am still panting heavily from sheer terror, at myself… but also… at her.
No, she got up, she's now approaching me, I'm paralyzed right now.
- Please Linky~, choke me harder, don't stop, choke me until I stop breathing, please! - She's standing in front of me, dragging my hands forcefully and placing them on her neck again.
I am still petrified, her actions are creeping me out!
(You remember that dream don't you?)
- Come on, use my body however you please, beat me, choke me, shit talk me~ - She was now approaching her face to mine, her foul breath reaching my nostrils.
- Please, do it Lincoln, you know deep down that you hate me too! - She was now looking angrily at me.
Hate, I don't know that, but I fear her, what's going on?
Why does she want me to hate her so badly? Why does she think I could force myself on her?
(Because you're a vengeful abuser, and you know it.)
I feel like shit, what the fuck did I just do?, I promised to protect her, I promised to keep her safe, I promised to bring her happiness, she's my everything, and I just used these hands to hurt her.
Why am I like this? How the fuck did everything go so wrong?
I'm… calming down, but she's still grasping my arms, her anger is apparent, but no more noticeable than all the pain I get to see from those murky, yet beautiful blue eyes… I can't even bring myself to feel fear anymore.
- Lola, no matter what you do or say, I will never hate you, I… can't hate you, - I reply sincerely.
But that answer only made her angrier, as she started running over and throwing our stuff in the floor, including that black alarm clock, which by now must be broken.
Then she started approaching our… drawing.
- You like this Linky? - She's now holding the picture, her creepy smile is back on.
- Lola, please leave that alone - I implore her, I no longer have the energy to move, the idea that I just hurt her… it's unbearable.
- Oh, you love this right?~ - Lola, please don't.
It's too late, she's already going over the balcony, threatening to throw the picture away.
She leaves me no options… but I was starting to crave this anyways.
I go and pick the notebook from the ground, maybe she still cares about it… Then, I calmly walk to the edge of the balcony, any false movements and the drawing is gone.
- Drop it, and I'll go pick it up - I say decisively.
- Doubt you'll find it Lincoln - She remains confrontational.
- I'll pick it up… if I have to do it in midair, then that's a shame - … I mean it, I don't care anymore.
And this somehow leaves her in a state of trance, for once in this entire week, there's… something, coming out of her, other than dead, murky eyes.
- Y-you wouldn't do that - She remains stoic, but her eyes tell another story.
- Why wouldn't I, it's everything I have left - I reach the edge of the balcony and look to the town below.
- B-because, if you do that, then I guess I'll have to come with you - A morbid smile, mimicking my own I guess.
- Why though? You will no longer have to worry about me being in the way of your family and friends, I'm holding you hostage, aren't I? - I sincerely don't understand, she still embraces humanity.
- It's more of a sense of duty, I'll have to always be there to fix your shit, Lincoln, even in hell - She looked to the front, hiding her expression.
- Well, you certainly failed with that, and you couldn't even get me to hate you - I reply honestly.
- … I guess you're right, despite the fact that I gave you a really bad time, you still somehow managed to hate everyone else more - Lola looked at me with a resigned grin.
Now I sense guilt, a lot of it… because of me.
Wait, was this one of her plans? What is it doing to me?
She hates me, I hate everything… what's the point anymore?
I feel exhausted, I'm so tired of this cycle.
Maybe there really is only one way out.