I have decided to combine this story into one, it is what I should have done, to begin with instead, of splitting this story apart into three separate ones. :) Just a friendly reminder this portion of the story is rated M. Surprise readers! I'm posting this chapter a little early due to having some unforeseen free time this week. Thank you to everyone who decided to reads this story, and to my guest reviewers who commented on the last chapter. I don't own Divergent and all military-related mistakes are mine. Happy Reading!
Guest reviewer #1: I guess you will have to keep reading to figure out who is texting Tris mysteriously.
Sandy the amity: Thanks for the review! I work hard trying to nail my cliffhangers.
Chapter 9: Love Ain't
Tobias's eyes move downward, toward the sand, he takes a deep breath, bracing himself to answer the question I asked him about wanting kids. He looks nervous as hell. His eyes meet mine, his hands rub together and rub against his pink board shorts worriedly. Oh, God! No wonder Stacy cheated on him with Eric! He is crazy, isn't he? He probably has the philosophy as all the men in the fifties did, envisioning women home, cooking, barefoot, in the kitchen. No wonder Stacy wouldn't commit to him and ran for the hills when she had the chance to. Is this why he couldn't find a normal, sane woman? I was stupid enough to marry a man I have only known for seven months, I barely even know him!
Taking a deep breath, I attempt to listen to whatever he is going to say before passing judgment on him. His adam's apple bobs up and down, swallowing hard, he answers, "Kids. . ." His fingers play with the sand next to him, my heart races in my chest, his eyes flit towards me, quickly, darting away, refusing to meet mine. He bites his lip for several seconds, the silence unbearable, his eyes meet mine, I begin to sweat, and it isn't from the sun beating down on my shoulders. Quipping an eyebrow, I prod him, "Yes, Tobias, what are your thoughts on kids, on babies?"
"Uh, kids are great, and I love them, especially little Mattie, my job isn't exactly safe, Tris, and having a baby, as much as I would love to have one or several with you, I think we should wait, if that is okay with you," he lowers his voice continuing, "I think, we should get to know one another better, and just be a couple before bringing a little one into this mess and into our world." Blowing out a breath, I didn't realize I was holding, his words sink into my mind. My brain-scrambling, trying to make sense of his words, he continues, "What is your opinion, Tris? This isn't only my decision. This isn't something we discussed before we got married, and having kids is a two-person decision, if you want a baby sooner rather than later, I will be more than happy to start trying to make you a mommy." His eyes shyly meet mine, a slight smile tugs at his lips as he pulls me towards him, pressing his lips to mine, and my stomach drops even more than it already had.
My mouth opens, but I can't respond to him, my mouth is sticky, my breathing accelerates, and my brain turns to mush. I don't know how to tell him we are probably never going to be able to have a family naturally. I can't bear to look at him, my eyes go to the waves, watching the water, contemplating the million thoughts passing through my mind. I stand, take a step in the sand, wanting to run away from the disappointment that will be sure to be evident in his eyes when I break the news to him, Tobias whispers, his fingertips barely touching my shoulders, "You can talk to me about anything, you know that, right? I'm not going to run away, I love you." My eyes float over my shoulder, Tobias looks defeated, his arms hanging at his side. Turning, I step into his arms wanting to feel secure for one more time before I tell him the truth that breaks us apart permanently, he draws me closer to his chest, we remain silent, standing, watching the waves crash to the shore.
"Let's take a walk," I mumble, pulling his arms from around me. My head filling with every ugly thought Peter has ever spoken to me. I am damaged. I don't deserve to be loved. Then my thoughts turn to, I will never be able to feel our baby kick inside of me, or be able to give birth. I should have told him sooner before we got married, given him the chance to run, but when is the right time to tell someone that type of news? When I was dating Peter, I was ecstatic I couldn't have kids, I never wanted to bring a child into that situation, but now, I mourn the loss of Tobias's and mine, our potential future together, our children who may never come to be.
Walking along the shore where the water meets the land, Tobias splashes me with his feet, attempting to bring me out of my sour mood, but it isn't working, I'm stuck in my mind, there is no light at the end of this dark tunnel. He stops suddenly, grasping me by the wrist, spinning me into his chest, murmuring desperately, "Talk to me, please! I'm going crazy over here!"
My eyes well with tears, I whisper somberly, my heartbreaking, wishing desperately, I didn't have to tell him the truth, "I can't have kids, and I have known since I was a teenager when a doctor told me. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, I should have."
"How do you know?" He asks calmly, staring into my eyes with nothing, but affection, rubbing his fingertips along the back of my hands. I answer honestly, "I found out by accident. I was having horrible lower abdominal pain, and it wouldn't go away, and I mentioned it at the physical I needed to get into school. At the physical, the doctor ordered blood work that was needed, he found I had a low iron count, and I was given a supplement to help correct it, hoping it would also correct the pain problem, but the pain didn't go away. In college, the pain became unbearable. I went to the free clinic at school to see if the doctor could figure out what was wrong with me. The pain was getting to the point of debilitating during my cycle, and I was given a referral to a specialist. I was diagnosed with endometriosis, the scan showed my uterus is scarred badly, and I was told there was a sixty-seven percent chance I would never be able to carry a baby to full term, that is if I was able to successfully get pregnant. At the time of the diagnosis, I didn't care when I received the news about my low chances of having children. I was with Peter, he was a monster, I hated Peter, but now, I'm married to you, a good man, a good person, a man I love, and we can't start a family. I can't give you a baby because my body isn't good at the one job it was designed to do. I'm sorry, Tobias," the tears flow down my cheeks.
Tobias looks stunned by my confession, he catches my wrist as I attempt to turn away from him, turning me towards him. I try to walk away from him, but he won't let me, his eyes glisten with unshed tears, he whispers, "Don't ever apologize to anyone. I'm in awe of you, of how strong you are every day. Don't ever say your body only has one job, and it can't do that one job. You have a big beautiful mind, I love you so much, you are smart, intelligent, and at times you get the both of us in trouble," then be begins to laugh continuing, "I was beginning to think you wanted to divorce me or something. We can deal with you not being able to have kids together, but I can't deal with a world where I can't come home to you every night. You and me against the world, remember." His fingertips push a piece of hair behind my ear, I murmur, "I would never divorce you, but you probably want one from me, now that you know the complete truth," the tears fill my eyes, thinking about my life without him in it. "Never! Were you not listening to what I just told you! You not being able to have kids is not important to me. My life is complete with only you in it. You are the only family I need. We can always try fertility treatments, a surrogate, or adoption, whatever you want, whenever we are ready to try for kids, it doesn't matter to me. Even if we decide to never have kids, it won't bother me as long as you are beside me in this life." He answers confidently. I ask, "Really?" Not fully believing him.
"Really," he says urgently, cupping my face, wiping the tears away with his fingertips, "I love you, Tris and nothing can or will ever change that." He wraps me in his solid arms, and I feel safe, forgetting about our problems for a few short moments. Suddenly, I feel his phone begin to vibrate against my stomach from his pocket. He pulls his phone from his pockets, his brow wrinkles glaring at the phone, I ask, "What's wrong?" Glancing at me sadly, he says, "Unfortunately, we need to go back to the room to get ready to leave. I need to report back to base tonight by five. I'm sorry, I know we were supposed to stay until tomorrow." My chest feels tight, his words washing over my ears. Why is our trip being cut short? I ask, "Can I stay the night, and you can come to pick me up tomorrow, that way your money doesn't get wasted on the room? Tobias's face drops, turning his cellphone to show me the generic text message, replying, "Afraid not, love, according to this text, I'm being recalled for training."
Thoughts? Opinions? Please leave me a review and let me know what you thought of this chapter. If you were in Tris's shoes, would you be worried or nervous about Tobias being recalled for training? The next update will be on the weekend of April 25th which will be around the 1 year anniversary of beginning to put this story on here! To celebrate, I'm going to try something new, everyone, who leaves a comment and that I can respond privately to, will get a short preview of the next chapter. Maybe the first paragraph or two, how does that sound? :)