Author's note: So, it's time for another one of these fics. You guys keep voting for them on my profile, so I guess I'll keep writing them for now. Anyway, I picked Harry Potter characters for this because I'm heavily focusing on Harry Potter Abridged to make that as good as possible, and looking into another series might get distracting. Plus, you guys haven't suggested any other series I should use, so I had to make the choice for you. If you guys want me to make more of these in the future, please suggest other franchises I should use. But anyway, let's get into this, shall we?
"Are you almost finished getting ready?" asked Ginny.
"Almost," said Harry, waving his wand, getting the table and chairs into place, and putting a plate of snacks in the centre. "Okay, done."
"I meant your appearance," said Ginny, flicking her wand and straightening out Harry's typically messy hair.
"Ginny, come on," said Harry, messing his hair again. "I have a certain look to maintain."
"We're having company over," said Ginny.
"It's Ron, Hermione, Neville, and Luna," said Harry. "They know what I look like."
"Doesn't mean you can't put in an effort," said Ginny, preparing to flick her wand again as there was a flash from the fireplace.
"Hey, hope I didn't interrupt anything," said Ron, stepping out of the fireplace. "Hermione will be here in a sec." As he was finishing his sentence, there was another flash from the fireplace.
"Honestly Ron, do you never think to clean yourself after you use the Floo?" asked Hermione, immediately casting a spell and sending all the ashes on herself and Ron back into the fireplace. "Harry and Ginny probably just swept the floor, you know?"
"Why would they sweep? They have magic," said Ron.
"And we're standing right here," said Ginny.
"How's it going guys?" asked Harry, giving them each a hug.
"Harry, do you not own a comb?" asked Hermione.
"Told ya," said Ginny behind him.
"Again, he has magic for that," said Ron.
"You know you don't have to use magic for every…" started Hermione, as the fireplace flashed again.
"Hey guys," said Neville, shaking the ash Hermione had just cleaned up onto the floor. "Am I the last one?" Hermione sighed as she cleaned up the mess again.
"Hi Neville, no, we're still waiting on Luna," said Harry, shaking his hand. It was at that moment they heard a knock at the door.
"That'll be her," said Ginny, heading towards the door as there was another flash from the fireplace. "What the…"
"Hello everyone," said Luna, brushing ash off herself, much to Hermione's annoyance. "Is everyone here now?"
"Wait, so if you came by Floo Powder, who was at the door?" asked Ginny, staring at Luna in confusion.
"One of the neighbour kids messing around maybe?" suggested Ron.
"Probably," said Harry. "I'm gonna check, just in case." Harry walked out to the front door and opened it up, and as expected, saw no-one. "Figured as…wait, what's this?" A small package was sitting on the porch, with a note attached. "Hello?" called Harry, but no-one was there. Harry shrugged and picked up the package before walking back inside.
"Well? Was there anyone?" asked Ginny, before seeing what Harry was carrying. "What's that?"
"I don't know," said Harry. "It was just sitting on the porch when I went out there."
"Oh, come on Harry," said Hermione, exasperated. "You're an Auror, and have dealt with more than enough dark items in your life, and you just casually decide to pick one up and bring it into your home?"
"I don't think this is a dark item," said Harry, starting to unwrap it.
"It better bloody not be," said Ginny, grabbing the card.
"But who'd leave a package on your doorstep?" asked Luna.
"Hopefully I'm about to find out," said Ginny, opening the card. "It just says 'I thought you guys would like this.' And has no name on it."
"I'd say it was Dumbledore, but…you know, he's dead," said Harry, getting the last of the wrappings off the package. "Cards Against Humanity? What is this?"
"I think I've heard of this," said Hermione. "Apparently it's popular muggles, but also incredibly offensive."
"20 galleons it was George who left it there," said Ron.
"You're on," said Neville.
"Do you even have 20 galleons?" asked Harry.
"Never you mind," said Ron.
"He doesn't," said Hermione.
"But they didn't need to know that," said Ron.
"Kind of an important part of making a bet," said Ginny.
"Hey guys, are we going to play or not?" asked Luna, carefully pulling the plastic off from the box.
"Luna, we don't know where this box has been," said Hermione.
"Hermione, I'm pretty sure if someone was trying to get to me, they wouldn't be using a muggle card game," said Harry.
"It does have a note on it saying 'enchanted for your convenience'," said Ron. "Could that be a problem?"
"Again, why would they use this to curse me?" asked Harry.
"It might mean so the box can hold more cards than would normally fit in it," said Luna, pulling out a seemingly large number of cards and placing them on the table.
"I guess we're playing this then," said Hermione, taking a seat. "What do we need to do?"
"It says everyone takes ten white cards," said Neville, reading the rules. "Then, whoever pooped last reads the first black card."
"There's no way it actually says that," said Hermione, taking the rules from him. "Holy shit, it actually does."
"Let's just agree that it's Harry's house and have him go first," suggested Ron.
"I suppose I could do that," said Harry, making sure everyone had already drawn their cards before drawing a black card. "Okay, here goes: Members of New York's social elite are paying thousands of dollars just to experience _."
The others began looking through their hands for an answer to Harry's card. "Good Lord," said Hermione, staring in horror at some of her cards.
"I know what you mean," said Neville, placing one of his cards.
"They can't be that bad, right?" asked Harry.
"Have you even read your cards?" asked Ginny.
"I have not," said Harry, looking at them for the first time. "Oh…I see what you mean."
"I think it's best if we just remember it's all just a game," said Luna, placing her card.
"You played a particularly bad one, didn't you?" asked Harry.
"I will neither confirm nor deny this," said Luna.
"Okay, well, if everyone's done," said Harry, picking up the white cards. "The first answer is…my vagina. Well, this is off to a great start."
"I didn't know you were trans," said Ginny.
"I had suspicions," said Luna.
"The next thing rich New Yorkers are paying to do is…drinking alone," said Harry.
"Why do they need to pay big bucks for that? Just go to the nearest bar," said Ron.
"Hey, as long as they're not hoarding the wealth," said Neville.
"Okay, the next thing they're spending their money on," said Harry, picking up the next card. "Informing you that I am a registered seWAIT A MINUTE!"
"Finish the card Harry," said Hermione, smirking.
"Yeah, I think I know which one's Luna's now," said Harry.
"I will neither confirm nor deny that," said Luna again.
"And on that note," said Harry. "Next up we have Yoshi's huge egg-laying cloaca."
"Who?" asked Ron, Ginny, Neville, and Luna at the same time.
"He's a video game character," explained Hermione. "He's a dinosaur that catches people with his tongue and then lays an egg with them in it."
"Wait, is he a dinosaur or a frog?" asked Ron, very confused by the description.
"And wouldn't it be a she if they're laying eggs?" asked Luna.
"Do you think I've actually played the games?" asked Hermione.
"Yeah, I'd be surprised if you had," said Harry. "Okay, final answer: Having a vagina. I'm sensing a theme across three of these."
"Well, obviously the first vagina card wins, right?" asked Ginny.
"…yeah, I kind of agree," said Harry. "Especially since someone…" Harry gave a nasty look at Luna "…thought the sex offender card would win."
"You can't prove that was me," said Luna.
"Actually, I know a spell that could…" said Hermione.
"Doesn't really matter," said Harry, much to Luna's relief. "Who played my vagina?"
"Phrasing," said Neville, as Ginny grabbed the card.
"No wonder they have so much money," said Ron, as Ginny picked up the next black card.
"Okay, I reckon this was one of the last cards they made," said Ginny. "It just says 'What are two cards in your hand that you want to get rid of?'"
"Okay, how do we even score this one?" asked Ron. "It's clearly for getting rid of your worst cards, so none of them will be funny."
"So we go with the least funny combination?" asked Neville.
"But then we're competing for who has the worst cards," said Hermione.
"How about whoever has the worst cards I give the point to out of sympathy for having such bad cards?" suggested Ginny.
"I mean, it's your call who wins anyway," said Harry, placing his cards.
"Okay, I'm doing it that way then," said Ginny, as everyone started placing their cards.
"Honestly, I'm just getting rid of ones I don't understand," said Ron.
"Isn't there a rule about that?" asked Luna.
"I don't think we're going to worry about that," said Harry. "So Ginny, what's everyone getting rid of?"
"The first pair of rejects is…" said Ginny, picking them up. "'A little boy who won't shut the fuck up about dinosaurs', and 'The card Neil Gaiman wrote: 'Three elves at a time''."
"I take it that's yours then, Ron?" asked Harry.
"Not mine, I swear," said Ron. "Though I have no idea who Neil Gaiman is."
"Muggle author who writes about magic," said Hermione.
"And we're sure he's not one of us?" asked Neville.
"Reasonably sure, magic in his books tends to work differently to ours," said Hermione.
"Unless that's how he throws you off," said Luna.
"I feel like we would have heard more about him if a wizard was writing books about magic for muggles," said Ginny. "Now, if there are no objections, let's see what else you guys wanted to get rid of." Ginny picked up the next pair of cards and read them out. "'Terry Fox's prosthetic leg' and 'Mommy and daddy fighting all the time'."
"…okay, I get why someone would get rid of the Terry Fox card, since I don't think anyone here knows who that is," said Harry. "But why the other one?"
"Probably because it's an upsetting thought," said Hermione.
"So these were your cards?" asked Neville.
"…I won't say any more," said Hermione.
"Well, onto the next one," said Ginny, picking up another pair. "'Tentacle porn' and 'Mario Kart rage'."
"Again, I can see why the latter was dropped," said Harry. "But surely someone could come up with a use for tentacle porn?"
"I think we'd rather not," said Ron.
"Does anyone think the giant squid at Hogwarts is into that?" asked Luna.
"NEXT PAIR!" yelled Ginny, before anyone could answer that. "'The Trail of Tears' and 'Rudolph's bright red balls'."
"Why are Rudolph's balls that colour?" asked Ron.
"To match his nose?" suggested Hermione.
"Why is his nose red?" asked Ron.
"Do you not know one of the most famous Christmas carols of all time?" snapped Hermione. "Actually, don't answer that."
"Okay, so how about this Trail of Tears thing. What's that?" asked Ginny. "It's capitalised, so I assume it's something important."
"I believe that was a Native American genocide," said Hermione. "Again, I expect those of you who grew up with magic probably never heard about it."
"Or me," said Harry.
"Damn it Harry," said Hermione.
"I didn't exactly get taught much about American history," said Harry.
"And with that, we're on to the last pair," said Ginny, picking them up. "'Hillary Clinton' and 'Photosynthesis'."
"Again, most of us don't know what those are," said Ron.
"What are you talking about? Professor Sprout talked about photosynthesis all the time in Herbology," said Neville.
"Did she?" asked Ron.
"Yes, she did," said Hermione.
"Even I remember that," said Harry.
"Oh…well, now that I think about it…" started Ron.
"Don't bother," said Hermione.
"Oh thank God," sighed Ron. "So Ginny, who wins this round?"
"Hmm…" thought Ginny out loud. "I feel like the Trail of Tears/Rudolph's balls combination were the cards the least of us would understand, so I'm giving it to them out of sympathy."
"Thank you," said Neville, claiming the point. "So if we're going around the table, I guess Ron's next?"
"I suppose I could," said Ron, drawing a card. "'What is George W. Bush thinking about right now?' I have no idea who that is."
"Former president of the United States," said Hermione. "The main things you need to know are that he was president during the 9/11 terrorist attacks, invaded Iraq by claiming they had nukes, but many believe it was just for oil, and he won the 2000 election by a very narrow margin."
"What were the 9/11 terrorist attacks?" asked Ron.
"…I legitimately don't know if you don't know what they are, or if you're just fucking with me at this point," said Hermione, picking her card.
"Well, based on your description of his term, I think this card will work perfectly," said Harry, playing his.
"Harry, you should have at least some passing interest in the muggle world, you have family in it," said Hermione.
"A single family member," said Harry. "I haven't spoken to my aunt and uncle in years. In fact, I've hardly even seen them since the last time I lived at Privet Drive."
"Probably for the best," said Ron, picking up the pile of cards. "Okay, the first thing this Bush guy is thinking of is…The haunting stare of an Iraqi child."
"And there's Harry's card," said Luna.
"You can't prove that," said Harry.
"I could," said Hermione.
"Let's just keep things anonymous," said Neville. "Just keeps things fair for everyone, you know?"
"I'm just saying…," said Hermione.
"Next answer," said Ron, cutting her off. "Apparently Bush is thinking of 'A complete inability to understand anyone else's perspective'."
"So, he's being a politician then?" asked Ginny.
"Pretty much," said Ron, picking up the next card. "He's also thinking of 'Pretty Pretty Princess Dress-Up Board Game'."
"How manly of him," said Neville.
"Hey, he's allowed to be into that," said Luna.
"I somehow don't think he is," said Ron, picking up the next card. "However, he might be thinking about 'A creepy child singing a nursery rhyme'."
"And now all of us are," said Harry.
"I blame you for that for introducing me to horror movies," said Ginny.
"You're welcome," said Harry.
"Not a compliment," said Ginny.
"And finally," said Ron, picking up the last card. "He's thinking about 'A gun that shoots cobras'."
"A gun specifically for hunting cobras, or a gun that fires out cobras at your enemies?" asked Neville. "Because Serpensortia means we can do the latter."
"Wands in general mean we can do both," said Hermione. "But anyway Ron, what's your answer?"
"Hmm…" pondered Ron. "Well, it sounds like he started a few wars, so I feel like the cobra gun might be something he'd think of. I'll go with that."
"Excellent choice," said Hermione, claiming the point. "Okay my turn." Hermione picked up her card, read it to herself, and blinked. "Um…"
"What's wrong?" asked Harry.
"I'm starting to wonder if this is the proper version of the game," said Hermione. "This card is…very specific. To you."
"What do you mean?" asked Harry.
"It's just…" started Hermione, before sighing. "It says 'Your father was a powerful wizard, Harry. Before he died, he left you something very precious: _'."
Everyone was silent for a moment. "Well…" said Ron, unsure what to say.
"I wonder if this has anything to do with my seven-part biography," said Harry.
"You know that J. K. Rowling is just a penname for Rita Skeeter so she can sell your story to muggles, right?" asked Neville.
"Yeah, I know," said Harry. "At least it sounded like she got things…somewhat accurate, which is a first for her."
"So you guys really did go around the country during the horcrux hunt without packing much food?" asked Luna.
"I said somewhat accurate," said Harry. "What, do you think we're idiots?"
"Still, it's weird to think that you've apparently become this big cultural phenomenon among the muggles," said Ron. "Big enough that they're making jokes like this about you."
"Eh, whatever," said Harry. "It's not like they know any of it's true."
"And with that in mind," said Hermione. "Should we still do this card, or…"
"Hermione, we already played our cards," said Ron, pointing out the small pile of cards in front of her.
"Oh…right," said Hermione, picking up the first one. "So Harry, the first thing your dad left you was…an owlbear."
"What, like a bear with owl wings?" asked Ron.
"Ron, that would be ridiculous," said Hermione. "Owl wings wouldn't be able to lift something bear sized."
"Maybe it just hugs people and pecks you with its beak?" suggested Luna.
"Possibly," said Hermione.
"Oh, come on," said Ron. "What I said sounds ridiculous, but what she said sounds plausible?"
"That's what we're going with," said Ginny.
"…God damn it," said Ron.
"Anyway, the next thing Harry's dad gave him was…the Y2K bug," said Hermione.
"Okay, I didn't play that," said Harry. "And since Hermione's asking the question, that means one of you played that, and I don't think any of you know what that means."
"I mean, I'm assuming it's like that COVID thing the muggles were so scared about," said Neville.
"No, Neville, no," said Harry. "It was a computer virus."
"Computers can get sick?" asked Luna.
"Kinda, yeah," said Harry. "But it's not contagious to humans or anything."
"Then why call it sick?" asked Luna.
"Because it means it isn't working properly," said Harry.
"Wouldn't that mean it's broken?" asked Ron.
"Yeah, but it can be fixed," said Harry.
"With Reparo?" asked Luna.
"…I feel like this conversation's going nowhere," said Harry.
"Same," said Hermione. "How about I read the next card." Hermione picked up the next card in the pile and read it out. "The next thing Harry's dad left him was…a box."
"A box of what?" asked Harry.
"Nothing, just a box," said Hermione.
"Boring," said Ron. "What else did he leave him?"
"Apparently 'depression' as well," said Hermione, reading the next card.
"I can kinda vouch for that one," said Harry.
"Was it actually diagnosed, or just a comment about the general state of your life?" asked Neville.
"What do you think?" asked Harry.
"Yeah, that fair," said Neville.
"And finally, Harry's dad gave him…" said Hermione, looking at the final card. "…oh dear…"
"Read it," said Ron.
"I'm not sure I should," said Hermione.
"Well, now you HAVE to read it," said Ginny.
"Just do it, it can't be that bad," said Harry.
"Okay, just so we're clear, I'm reading this under protest," said Hermione, sighing before she read it. "Unrelenting genital punishment."
"…okay, it can be that bad then," said Harry.
"Harry, you've already been called a sex offender in this game, did you really think it couldn't be that bad?" asked Neville.
"Yeah, I guess…" said Harry. "So, who wins Hermione?"
"Well, I feel like the owlbear's the one you'd most appreciate from your father…" started Hermione.
"It's not about what Harry wants, it's about what you found funniest," said Ron.
"…the genital punishment," said Hermione, looking ashamed as Ron took the point.
"Okay Neville, you're up," said Ron.
"Okay," said Neville, drawing a card. "Coming this spring from BioWare, Mass Effect: _. I don't know what that is."
"Muggle computer game," said Harry. "I think it's about killing aliens or something, I'm not sure."
"Really?" asked Luna, placing her card in front of Neville.
"That's as much as I can gather from Dudley's kids," said Harry.
"So, just play cards related to killing aliens?" asked Neville.
"Or we can do whatever I did," said Ron.
"Sure, why not? I don't know what this thing is anyway," said Neville, looking at the pile of cards. "Okay, the first Mass Effect game is…Ancient aliens."
"I think we know what Luna's card is," said Ron.
"Maybe you do," said Luna, in a way that didn't deny it at all.
"The next game is…" said Neville, picking up the next card. "Doing it in the butt."
"Do aliens even have butts to do it in?" asked Ron.
"Might depend on the species," said Harry.
"Or the player's the one getting probed," said Hermione.
"I did not need that visual," said Neville. "Okay, the next one is…Boring vaginal sex."
"I'm sensing a theme here," said Harry.
"And again, how bangable are these aliens?" asked Ron.
"What are you planning?" asked Hermione with a certain tone in her voice.
"…next card, Neville," said Ron.
"Right, right," said Neville, picking up the next card. "How does Mass Effect: Blowing up Parliament sound?"
"Probably like an explosion," said Ginny.
"Are we sure the player isn't going to get caught right before they get a chance?" asked Hermione.
"This is one of those muggle references that most of us aren't going to understand, isn't it?" asked Ron.
"And the final one," said Neville, picking up the last card. "Mass Effect: Blood farts. Well, I'm not letting that one win."
"Oh, come on," said Ron.
"Honestly, I'm just going to go with the ancient aliens," said Neville. "Since that's literally all I know about this series."
"Oh, come on, that's like the most boring one," said Ron.
"Hey, I'm not complaining," said Luna, claiming the point.
"Okay, that just leaves Luna to ask a question," said Harry.
"Alright, here goes," said Luna, picking up the card. "What did I bring back from Bali?"
"I'm just curious how Harry's going to get back at Luna after that first round," said Ron, playing his card.
"You can't confirm that was me," said Luna.
"Pretty sure we can," said Harry, picking a card. "I don't care that much though, so you're safe."
"For now," muttered Ron.
"Anyway, it looks like everyone's played their cards," said Luna. "Let's see what I brought back from Bali." Luna picked up the first card and read it. "Blood Pringles."
"Ah, yes, Bali," said Harry. "The super sunny place known for their vampires eating potato chips."
"Is that what Pringles are?" asked Neville.
"Why are we playing a game where half the cards are going to be questioned by two thirds of the players?" asked Hermione.
"Hey, we're having fun, right?" asked Luna. "Especially since I brought back…" Luna picks up the next card. "…Sharks with legs."
"That doesn't sound fun," said Ginny.
"Okay, but maybe the next card…" started Luna, reading the next card. "Nope, that's even worse."
"Are you gonna tell us what it is?" asked Neville.
"Children on leashes," said Luna. "That's awful."
"It stops them running away though," said Ron.
"RON!" yelled Hermione, slapping him over the back of the head.
"Well, surely it can't get worse than that," said Luna, picking up the next card. "…oh…oh dear…"
"Read it," said Ginny.
Luna sighed as she read it. "Soup that's better than pussy," she read.
"…you're gonna share it, right?" asked Ron.
"I didn't think you could take liquids on a plane," said Hermione.
"What's a plane?" asked Luna.
"Oh, right, witch," said Hermione. "Okay, what's the last one say?"
"The last one is…" said Luna, picking it up. "Many bats."
"I swear if that one wins…" started Ron.
"…I mean, I would like to have many bats…" said Luna.
"Thank you," said Neville, reaching for the point.
"But I think I'll go with the Blood Pringles instead, for the sake of the vampires among us," said Luna.
"Oh…thank you," said Hermione, taking the point from Neville, looking confused. "But, uh, you know there's no vampires among us, right?"
"That you know of," said Luna.
"Right…" said Harry. "Well, if that's sorted, how about I start the next round?"
Author's note: So, after the first round, the scores are:
Hermione: 2
Ginny, Luna, Neville, Ron: 1
Harry: 0