"Alright, what have I got for you?" asked Harry, picking up the next card. "Wait, I came here to buy socks. How did I wind up with _?"
"Sounds like something that would happen to Dumbledore," said Luna, picking out a card to play.
Ginny, on the other hand, looked at one of her cards and smiled. "There's no way this one will win, but it'll be hilarious anyway," she said, placing the card.
"Isn't the point of the game to be as funny as possible?" asked Ron, playing his card. "Wouldn't that mean your card should win?"
"Oh, you'll know as soon as it gets read what I mean by that," said Ginny, as Neville and Hermione played their cards.
"Alright, what am I going home with other than socks?" asked Harry, picking up the first card. "White privilege. I would have thought I already had that."
"Laugh it up, Harry," said Hermione.
"What are you talking about?" asked Neville.
"…nothing," said Hermione, as Harry grabbed the next card.
"Well this is disturbing," said Harry. "Instead of buying socks, I bought a pyramid of severed heads."
"That's on you for trying to buy socks at Borgin and Burke's," said Ron.
"They wouldn't sell real heads though, would they?" asked Neville.
"It'd be one of the tamer things we've confiscated from them," said Harry, picking up the next card. "Uh huh…okay Ginny, I see what you mean. That's actually pretty funny."
"Well? Are you gonna share?" asked Ron.
"Socks," said Harry, putting the card on the table for everyone to see it actually did say 'socks'.
"Hey, when else would I have had a more perfect opportunity to play that card?" asked Ginny.
"Just wait for my next turn," said Ron. "Whatever question I get will be the perfect one for socks."
"We shall see," said Harry, picking up the next card. "In the meantime, I've just bought a mopey zoo lion instead of socks."
"Well it's been locked up for years, of course it's mopey," said Luna.
"Ah yes, a home free from poachers, and guaranteed meals every day," said Ron. "Such a hard life for a lion."
"I'm surprised you Gryffindors don't have more sympathy for your house emblem," said Luna.
"Hey, it's not our fault he's mopey," said Harry, picking up the last card. "Anyway, the last thing I bought instead of socks is…sex with Patrick Stewart? How did THAT happen?"
"Who?" asked Neville.
"Muggle actor," said Hermione.
"Is he actually good looking at least?" asked Ginny.
"Depends if you're into bald men, I guess," said Hermione.
"Okay, so he's old," said Ron.
"Actually, he's looked almost the same for a few decades," said Hermione.
"And you're sure he's a muggle?" asked Neville.
"Reasonably so," said Hermione. "Anyway Harry, who wins this round?"
"As much as I want to go with socks…," said Harry. "I think the bizarre situation of ending up with a pyramid of severed heads gets it."
"Thank you," said Luna, claiming the point. "Okay Ginny, you're up."
"Let's see what I've got for you," said Ginny, picking up the next card. "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare for _."
"Hooray, another one of those things that's clearly a reference that none of us understands," said Ron, picking a card to play.
"I believe it's an old muggle movie," said Hermione. "The Princess Bride, if I remember correctly."
"Sounds boring," said Ron.
"Actually, it's a…" started Hermione.
"Hermione, we're still waiting for you to play a card," said Harry, indicating the other four had already picked their cards.
"Fine…" Hermione sighed, playing her card.
"Okay, so the first thing this guy needs to prepare for is…" started Ginny, picking a card. "Being on fire."
"Well, if he's a murderer, he kinda deserves it," said Neville.
"Agreed," said Ginny, picking the next card. "Hoo boy, he's also going to be preparing for 'snow falling gently on the frozen body of an orphan boy'."
"Oh great, now he's taking it out of the guy's kid and possibly his wife too," said Harry. "Can't say I'm a fan of that."
"I can't imagine you would be," said Ginny, picking up the next card. "The next thing he's preparing for is getting shot by the police."
"At least Inigo's going through legal channels with that one," said Hermione.
"He could always just take the law into his own hands," said Ron.
"I did, and it worked out pretty well for everyone," said Harry.
"I feel like your circumstances were a little different," said Hermione.
"It still worked out pretty well," said Neville. "Except for all the dead people."
"But now there won't be more unnecessarily dead people," said Ginny. "Anyway, the next thing he needs to prepare for is…'Game of Thrones spoilers'. This is another one of those muggle references, isn't it?"
"Muggle TV show, yes," said Hermione. "Though I'm pretty sure it ended, so it shouldn't matter anymore."
"Okay, and the last one is…" said Ginny, picking up the card. "Menstrual rage. Yeah, I can see that making someone murderous."
"So, who's the winner?" asked Luna.
"As I said, menstrual rage can make someone pretty fucking angry, I'm giving it to that," said Ginny.
"I'm on the board," said Harry, grabbing the point. "Ron, you're up."
"Okay, let's see…" said Ron, picking up his black card. "Life for American Indians was forever changed when the White Man introduced them to _."
"Oh dear, this is going to end up incredibly racist, isn't it?" asked Hermione.
"Probably," said Harry, playing his card.
"Make that definitely," said Luna, playing her card.
"And socks wouldn't necessarily have been a good answer for it," said Ginny, playing her card.
"Oh, this gonna be good," said Ron, as the others played their cards. "Okay, what's the first thing that changed the Indians?"
"Can't you call them Native Americans?" asked Hermione.
"The card said Indians, so I'm calling them Indians," said Ron. "Anyway, bubble butt bottom boys changed them forever."
"Huh, I would have thought that would be the Greeks," said Neville.
"This is gonna get worse before it gets better, isn't it?" asked Hermione.
"Well, considering the next card is 'getting drive-by shot', I'd say that's a yes," said Ron.
"I would have thought that would only apply to the blacks," said Ginny.
"Good God, this game is bringing out the worst in us," said Hermione.
"And it's about to get worse," said Ron. "The next card is 'doing crimes'."
"Of course it is," said Hermione. "Please tell me there's at least one non-horrible card in there."
"Well, you're going to enjoy this one then," said Ron, reading the next card. "How fun it is to eat Pringles."
"BOO! Go back to the offensive cards," said Ginny.
"Yeah, let's hope this last one does that," said Ron, picking it up. "Nope. It says 'getting married, having a few kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida, and dying'. Boring."
"So we know two that didn't win," said Neville.
"Hmm…" thought Ron. "I think…I'm gonna go with…doing crimes."
"Thank you," said Luna, taking the lead. "Now we get to see Hermione say and/or do something offensive."
"Do I even dare?" asked Hermione, before sighing and grabbing the next black card. "…okay, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. 'Okay here's the pitch. James Franco and Seth Rogen are trying to score some weed, and then _ happens'."
"Who and who?" asked Ron.
"Muggle actors," said Harry. "It's supposed to be a movie pitch. In fact, I think there was a movie with them doing that."
"Probably. It's not one I've seen," said Hermione, watching as the others played their cards. "How many of these am I going to regret reading?"
"Probably some of them," said Harry. "Get to it."
Hermione sighed in resignation. "Here goes, I guess," she said, picking up the first answer. "'A kiss on the lips'. Not the sort of movie I was expecting."
"Hey, if they're good looking, I don't think too many people would complain," said Luna.
"If I remember correctly, no they're not," said Harry.
"Never mind then," said Luna. "What else have you got?"
"'Waking up half-naked in a Denny's parking lot' happens," said Hermione. "Now that sounds like a movie about weed."
"Could just be The Hangover," said Harry. "Or Dude Where's My Car?"
"Why do you know about those?" asked Hermione.
"Like I told you, I'm still in touch with one member of my muggle family," said Harry.
"Fair enough," said Hermione, picking up the next card. "The next thing that happens is…silence."
"I thought they stopped doing those movies," said Ginny.
"At least this round is being a lot tamer than I was expecting," said Hermione, picking up the next card. "Spoke too soon. The next thing that happens is 'the Hawaiian goddess Kapo and her flying detachable vagina' apparently."
"At least that's what they think they saw," said Neville. "Really, they were just very high at the time."
"Is that an actual thing though?" asked Ron. "Like, does this Hawaiian goddess actually have that?"
"I've heard of a lot of weird things in mythology, so…probably," said Hermione. "Anyway, the last answer is…One unforgettable night of passion."
"I assume that's after the kiss on the lips," said Harry.
"It could be before," said Luna. "So Hermione, who wins?"
"Hmm," pondered Hermione. "So, waking up in a Denny's parking lot sounds like it already happened, so that's out…the Hawaiian goddess card doesn't make grammatical sense, so that's out too…"
"Stop trying to make sense of the nonsensical game," said Ron.
"…fine, the unforgettable night of passion wins," said Hermione.
"Two in a row," said Luna, taking the card. "Neville, if you would."
"Every Christmas, my uncle gets drunk and tells the story about _," said Neville. "Well, I know what the ACTUAL answer would be, let's make these answers a little more humorous."
"Rough childhood, huh?" asked Ron.
"I mean, I've told you how my family found out I had magic, right?" asked Neville.
"Don't worry, we'll make you prefer your uncle's story to our answers," said Ginny, playing her card.
"Well, that's a terrifying thought," said Neville, as the final card was played. "Let's see how bad this gets." Neville picked up the first card and read it to the group. "'Getting high with mum'. Is that my mum, or his?"
"Whichever one's a more disturbing thought," said Harry.
"Probably mine. I don't think Gran would approve of drugs," said Neville, picking up the next card. "Okay, next story is…sucking the President's dick. Gross."
"Hey, it doesn't specify which president," said Ron. "It doesn't have to be the old guy there now."
"How do you know he's old?" asked Hermione.
"Aren't you always complaining that a lot of country leaders are just old white men?" asked Ron.
"…okay, fair," said Hermione.
"I'd like to imagine Neville's uncle took some Polyjuice Potion to become a woman, became an intern at the White House, and then…" started Luna.
"NEXT ANSWER!" said Neville, grabbing the next white card.
"Wait, how do you know about Monica Lewinsky?" asked Hermione.
"Who?" asked Luna.
"…yeah, should have guessed as much," said Hermione.
"I said, next answer," said Neville, looking at the card. "'Shitting out a screaming face'. Good God, why?"
"That doesn't sound healthy," said Harry.
"What the hell was he eating?" asked Ron.
"Don't know, don't wanna know," said Neville, grabbing the next card. "The next story he tells is about 'the bond between a woman and her horse'."
"I believe that's how centaurs are born," said Ginny.
"…and on that disturbing note, here's the final answer," said Neville, grabbing the last card. "'Drinking responsibly'. Bit rich coming from someone drunk."
"It's too late for him, he knows he's too addicted to quit, and is trying to warn everyone else about the dangers of alcohol," said Hermione.
"Or he's telling people not to drink so much so that there's more for him," said Ron.
"…or that," said Hermione. "So, who's the winner Neville?"
"Honestly, all of these give me some disturbing imagery that I think I'll need therapy to be able to forget," said Neville. "So I'm just going to point at a card, and whatever happens, happens." Neville closed his eyes and jabbed his finger at a card. "Okay, sucking the president's dick wins, whoever had that."
"I'll take that," said Harry. "Luna, you're up."
"Okay everyone," said Luna, grabbing a black card. "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to _."
"Is this another one of those muggle references that we're too magical to understand?" asked Ron.
"I think it's Star Wars?" said Hermione, looking at Harry.
"Why are you looking at me? I haven't seen them," said Harry.
"Whatever it is, we're about to find out what hate leads to," said Luna, taking the first answer card. "Apparently 'Bad emotions I don't want'."
"I mean, I guess that's not wrong," said Ron.
"Or funny," said Ginny.
"Maybe the next one will be better," said Luna, picking it up. "Nope, it just leads to 'A one-way ticket to Gary, Indiana'."
"Maybe it's a not-so-nice place?" suggested Harry.
"Does anyone know what they have in Gary?" asked Neville. No-one answered him. "Yeah, me neither."
"Okay, next answer," said Luna. "'A snapping turtle biting the tip of your penis'. Why were you letting it near that in the first place?"
"Circumcision?" suggested Neville.
"Surely there's less painful ways of doing that," said Hermione.
"Whether you want to or not, you're getting one if you do that," said Harry.
"Indeed," said Luna, grabbing the next card. "And on that disturbing note, hate also leads to 'dead parents'."
"Is that why he did it to yours Harry?" asked Neville.
"I mean, kinda," said Harry. "More that he hated the idea of me killing him."
"Okay, and finally…" said Luna, picking up the last card. "Hate leads to 'Starting to see where ISIS is coming from'. I don't know who that is."
"Terrorist group," said Hermione.
"Really?" asked Luna. "Well, I feel like that should win then."
"Not even going to consider the other cards?" asked Ron.
"Nope, going with ISIS," said Luna confidently.
"Thank you," said Neville. "Okay, back to Harry."
Author's note: The current scores are:
Luna: 4
Harry, Hermione, and Neville: 2
Ginny and Ron: 1