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Chapter 3 summary: Kyle and Cartman struggle to keep their relationship a secret, yielding less than favorable outcomes for everyone involved.
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Kyle makes his way to the bus stop in a daze, letting out a noise like Chewbacca as he yawns.
He stayed up way too late last night talking to Cartman.
It's becoming a recurring problem, actually. This is the third night in a row he's gotten less than five hours of sleep and it's taking a toll on him. It's particularly stupid since half the time Kyle doesn't even remember everything they talk about. The conversation ends up going off the rails so often and his brain can't process things well once it gets past two in the morning.
It all started when Cartman stole his phone after the basketball game a few weeks ago, and he'd claimed he hadn't messed with it at all. But Kyle quickly discovered afterwards that he'd changed Kyle's custom ringtone for him to "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?" by Rod Stewart, which made him burst out laughing (after he got over his initial confusion and annoyance) because it was just so fucking stupid. But he didn't admit that to Cartman. Instead he'd stifled his laughter and chewed him out over the phone for lying to him, but then they just kept talking for hours.
Of course, a good chunk of their evening talks consist of completely inane arguments that Cartman always starts like the jackass he is, and Kyle as always can't stop himself from rising to the bait and rebutting him.
But then Cartman will crack a joke that makes Kyle let out a genuine laugh. He'll tell Kyle about his dreams, his nightmares, send him some artsy photos he takes because he's somehow kept up the hobby for all these years. Kyle in turn will tell Cartman about how his basketball practice went, update him on how Ike's doing, complain about how annoying his new chemistry lab partner is.
It sounds stupid as hell, but Kyle genuinely enjoys talking to Cartman about that stuff, mundane as it might be.
But also, Cartman flirts. A lot. Obnoxiously. He calls Kyle tooth-rottingly sweet pet names, compliments his hair, his eyes, his ass. It's never completely crept over into like… phone sex territory, but it's gotten pretty damn close a few times. (Kyle sort of wishes it would cross over to that, but he doesn't want to push it. He promised himself he would take things slow with this.)
Kyle will also tell Cartman things he never thought he'd say out loud in a million years, like how nice Cartman looked in whatever outfit he wore that day, how stupidly impressive it was when Cartman completely bullshitted an essay for English class about a book he didn't read and still got an A minus, how good his voice sounded when Kyle caught him singing '80s ballads as he was making a sandwich. He loves how flustered Cartman can get when Kyle compliments him. Even after a few months of dating, it often catches him off guard. It's adorable.
Although Kyle would like to say his lack of sleep is all Cartman's fault, he has to acknowledge to himself that he's partially to blame too. After all, Kyle's the one who initiates the phone calls more and more often nowadays. He can't help it, okay? Anytime he goes too long without talking to Cartman, he gets weirdly restless and can't focus on anything else until he does.
Maybe it's his brain trying to get reassurance that Cartman is, in fact, still alive after the accident.
Regardless, Kyle still has to go to school and be a responsible student. And his mom would kill him if he knew he was staying up so late.
He finally gets to the bus stop and settles at his usual spot, stifling another yawn, eyes watering a bit. He's the first one there today so he spaces out for a good minute before he hears another set of boots crunching in the snow towards him.
"Mornin', Kyle," Cartman greets, sounding cheery but also very tired.
"Hey," Kyle replies.
Cartman approaches him and puts a hand on his shoulder, reaching up on his tiptoes to give him a soft kiss on the lips.
Kyle closes his eyes and kisses back on instinct, but then his eyes shoot open when he realizes they're in fucking public.
He quickly breaks the kiss and pushes Cartman away, keeping him at arm's length.
"D-dude! What the hell are you doing?!" Kyle yells.
Cartman looks surprised and confused, but then his expression quickly morphs into a scowl.
"Uh, kissing my boyfriend? The fuck is your problem, man?" Cartman snaps, squirming out of Kyle's grip.
"We can't do that here, Cartman," Kyle says. Christ, he can feel his face heating up like crazy despite the chilly morning air.
Cartman rolls his eyes and pouts. "Why not?"
"Because—" Kyle cuts himself off when he sees Stan and Kenny approaching the bus stop, then continues with his voice lowered to a whisper-yell. "Because someone could fucking see us!" He gestures with a head nod towards their friends.
Cartman turns to see them himself, then turns back around to face Kyle with another exaggerated eye-roll.
"Oh my God, Kyle, chill out. Fine." Cartman takes a pointed, long side-step away from him. "There. That leave enough room for Jesus for ya?"
Kyle growls under his breath but doesn't say anything more as Kenny and Stan get within earshot.
"Hey guys," Stan says. He goes to stand in his usual spot.
"Hey," Kyle replies, attempting to sound as normal as possible.
Kenny looks at him quizzically.
"You okay dude? You look kinda tired," Kenny observes.
Jesus Christ, is he really that easy to read? Kyle ignores his rapidly-beating heart and sighs.
"Yeah, I didn't get much sleep last night," he admits, rubbing his eyes.
"Oh, that sucks," Stan says. Kenny lets out a quiet hum of concern.
"Yup," Kyle replies, popping the 'p'.
Cartman blows a raspberry.
"Oh wah, poor Kyle," Cartman says sarcastically. "Did the widdle baybay not get enough beauty sleep?" He makes little mock-crying motions with his fists against his cheeks.
Before he can think, Kyle reels back and punches Cartman in the arm, making him yelp and wince. He doesn't put as much force behind it as usual though.
"Hey!" Cartman pouts and rubs his arm.
"Shut up," Kyle grumbles.
"What? All I'm sayin' is that every pretty princess needs their rest and—"
Kyle punches Cartman again.
"HEY, cut it out!" Cartman shouts.
"You started it, dumbass," Stan points out, already sounding tired of their fighting.
Cartman frowns. "Doesn't mean he gets to go all Mike Tyson on me at fuckin' seven in the morning! Jesus."
Kenny snickers and Cartman shoots him a dirty look, shoving his shoulder.
Just then the bus comes around the corner and their argument is thankfully cut short.
They all get on the bus and Kyle pretends not to notice Cartman staring at him the whole ride to school.
Kyle is reading in the library during his free period, eyes glazing over every other minute but still trying to brute-force his way through the assigned U.S. history textbook chapters for this week. He's almost finished with the section about Alexander Hamilton's death when he's tapped aggressively on the shoulder from behind.
He turns around and sees (who else) Cartman, looking at him eagerly.
"Kyle, you gotta come with me. I wanna show you something," he says in a stage-whisper.
"What? Why?"
Cartman rolls his eyes. "Just come on," he says, tugging at Kyle's hoodie, but Kyle doesn't budge.
Kyle squints and looks at the clock on the far wall of the library.
"Don't you have math class right now?" he asks.
"Yeah, it was boring as fuck. I ditched."
Kyle sighs in annoyance. "Cartman—"
"Oh, relax, Kyle," he interrupts. "C'mon, it's gonna be sweet."
Kyle weighs his options in his head for a moment, then sighs again.
"Okay, fine," he says. He bookmarks his place with a post-it, closes the textbook, and stands.
"Yesss," Cartman says, bouncing on his knees excitedly.
They leave the library and Cartman takes his wrist to drag him down the hallway, giggling like an elated schoolgirl.
"Dude, where the fuck are we going?" Kyle asks.
"What, you want me to ruin the surprise? Not a chance," Cartman replies.
Kyle rolls his eyes but continues to let Cartman drag him along, morbidly curious about what the hell his dumbass boyfriend is up to today.
They round the corner and Cartman makes a bee-line for the janitor's closet. It's normally locked so students can't mess with whatever's in there. Kyle's eyes widen with surprise when Cartman easily turns the handle and opens the door.
Cartman holds his hands out in a dramatic presenting pose and does jazz-hands.
"TA-DA! Magic," he says with an extra flourishing gesture.
Kyle blinks.
"Uhh, okay..?" he starts, hesitant and confused.
Cartman raises his eyebrows expectantly, his expression eager, but when Kyle doesn't say anything else he rolls his eyes and scoffs.
"Just— Ugh, c'mere."
He looks around the hallway quickly before he grabs Kyle's wrist again and yanks him into the closet. As soon as they're through he pulls the door shut behind them.
It's nearly pitch dark in the closet, with only a vertical sliver of light coming through the crack in the door, and Kyle's nose burns from the smell of cleaning chemicals. Cartman fumbles around by the wall until there's a click of a switch and a dim hanging lightbulb illuminates above their heads. It's still pretty dark, but Kyle can at least see Cartman's face now.
"How the hell did you unlock the door?" Kyle finally asks now that his shock has worn off.
Cartman gives him a sly smile and reaches behind his ear, pulling out a warped bobby pin. He wiggles it in the air to show it off.
"I'm a fuckin' Houdini, Kyle. Duh."
"Wow," Kyle says sarcastically, nodding his head and suppressing a smile. "Truly, you are an escape artist mastermind."
"Damn right!" Cartman says, grinning wider.
"Except it only counts if you're trying to actually escape from something, not break into something, you weirdo. Why are we in the janitor's closet?"
Cartman takes a step closer and clears his throat dramatically.
"So I can do this."
Cartman tucks the bobby pin back behind his ear. Then, he reaches up, takes Kyle's face in his hands, and kisses him.
Oh. Duh, that explains it. Kyle feels like a dumbass for not understanding Cartman's intentions earlier, but considering he's only running on four hours of sleep he gives himself a pass.
Kyle kisses back and closes his eyes. It's only been a few days since they've been able to do this in private but Kyle feels a sudden release of tension in his body he didn't realize he'd been carrying. Sighing through his nose, he takes hold of Cartman's waist and pulls him closer.
Cartman responds eagerly and it quickly escalates to the point where they can't keep their hands off each other. Kyle grips his sides, digging his nails in, then moves lower down to slide his fingers under Cartman's shirt to get at his bare skin. Cartman pets Kyle's face and scratches his nails through the hair at Kyle's nape.
Kyle's body fills with warmth as his stomach flutters. He can feel Cartman smiling against his lips.
"Pretty cool surprise, right?" Cartman murmurs.
Kyle smiles too, nodding. "Mhm," he hums, capturing his mouth again impatiently to say less talking more kissing.
But Cartman breaks away again.
"I mean, since you were too much of a prissy-pants to kiss me this morning…"
Kyle frowns.
"Cartman, you know why we couldn't—"
He's cut off by Cartman's lips on his again. Kyle groans out of frustration and retaliates by grabbing Cartman by the shoulders, twisting their bodies around, and pushing him against the wall so he can get more leverage. The kiss turns bruising, forcing Cartman's head to tilt back as Kyle increases the pressure, and Cartman lets out a satisfied hum.
A few minutes pass and Kyle gets so consumed in making out with Cartman that he doesn't hear two people in the outside hallway getting closer until they're right at the closet door.
"Are you sure this is safe?" a quiet voice asks.
"Oh, totally. Nobody ever comes in here," another voice responds. They sound familiar but they're too muffled for Kyle to make out who they are.
Kyle freezes and his eyes widen with fear. Cartman is apparently too out of it to realize the impending danger of the situation because even after Kyle breaks away, he just keeps looking at Kyle with a dopey expression on his face, unperturbed.
The door handle starts to turn and Kyle panics. He grabs Cartman by the front of his shirt and yanks him to a dark corner behind a shelf, then two silhouetted figures appear in the open doorway.
"Who the fuck are they?" Cartman asks, finally getting with the program but he sounds infuriatingly unbothered by their risk of exposure. Kyle covers Cartman's mouth with his hand, and Cartman yelps a muffled "hey!"
"Shut up!" Kyle seethes through clenched teeth. He listens carefully to the movement of the random strangers.
Cartman licks his hand with excessive spit and Kyle pulls it back with disgust.
With his mouth now freed, Cartman yells, "Hey ya fuckin' queers, get your own makeout spot!"
Kyle's jaw drops open. "CARTMAN," he mouths furiously, rubbing his gross wet palm on his pants.
"Oh shit!" one of the voices squeaks.
There's some frantic scrambling noises and then the door shuts again.
Kyle's blood is boiling.
"What. The fuck?" Kyle snaps.
"Hey, it's not my fault some losers barged in on us!" Cartman retorts.
"Oh my God…" Kyle sighs, running a hand over his face. He storms over to the door and turns the deadbolt, then turns and gives Cartman a furious glare. "Hey, y'know what? Next time? Lock. The fucking. Door."
Cartman rolls his eyes. "Okay, okay, geez. Don't get your panties in a bunch, Kyle."
Kyle storms back over to the corner, grabs Cartman's face, and crushes him against the wall in another bruising kiss. Cartman clings to him and moans, and for a blissful few moments all Kyle thinks about is the slide of their tongues and the warmth of Cartman's body against his.
The next day, Kyle and the rest of the gang are eating in the lunchroom because miraculously they were all able to get the same lunch period this year.
They're chatting idly about the recent Nuggets game when someone approaches the table from across the room and interrupts their conversation.
"Hey. Eric," Theresa Thompson says, her voice flat and demanding.
Cartman turns around and frowns.
"What," he says around a mouthful of burger.
Theresa crosses her arms. "Are you back together with Heidi?" she asks, glaring daggers at him. It's obvious that she's struggling to keep her voice down but she's seething with anger.
Cartman swallows his food and laughs hysterically.
"Haha, what? No," he responds like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
"Oh, really? Then why the hell did I just hear from Jessica that she caught you making out with someone in the janitor's closet yesterday?"
Kyle's heart drops into his stomach like a brick. So that's who that was earlier: Jessica and her boyfriend Tom are two other kids in their grade that Kyle doesn't know well, but he's had classes with them both.
Oh no. Oh God, no. This can't be happening. Fuck, he knew that making out with Cartman in the middle of the school day was a horrible idea. His fucking stupid teenage hormones are going to be the end of him.
"Dude, what?" Stan murmurs. He and Kenny are watching the exchange with wide eyes. They give each other and Kyle a look like 'holy shit, did you hear about this?'
While Kyle internally panics, Cartman is somehow cool as a fucking cucumber.
"Did she now?" Cartman replies. "Interesting." He takes another bite of his burger.
"Don't lie to me, fatass," Theresa snaps.
Kyle's heart is going to pound out of his fucking chest. What the hell is happening. What the fuck is his life.
"Let me ask you a question," Cartman says, in that thoughtful tone of voice he uses when he's talking to someone who he thinks is obscenely stupid. "Did Jessica actually see me and Heidi together?"
Theresa balks at that. She shifts awkwardly on her feet for a second.
"No," she admits. "But she heard you yelling. Anyone would've recognized your stupid voice."
Cartman squints and strokes his chin thoughtfully. "Hm. Interesting. Tell me this then: why would you assume I was with Heidi?"
"Because she's the only person crazy enough to have ever let you kiss her," Theresa says.
Kyle cringes so hard he thinks he pops a blood vessel, his brain unhelpfully supplying him with the fresh memory of the feeling of Cartman's lips on his. A part of him wants to cut into the conversation and defend Cartman, but another part of him wants to get up and flee the lunchroom from the sheer embarrassment that takes over his body. He feels like he could disintegrate on the spot.
"I see," Cartman replies. Then his thoughtful tone suddenly drops, his face falling into a piercing glare. "Well, bitch, I haven't even fucking talked to Heidi in like three years. Why don't you ask her yourself? Or, better yet, how about you mind your own fucking business?"
Theresa's jaw drops open with indignation.
"You fucking bastard," she seethes. "You're manipulating her again, I know you are." She takes a step closer and points an accusing finger at Cartman. "Just leave her the hell alone or you're gonna regret it."
Cartman laughs condescendingly in her face.
"Oh, fuck you. Why don't you run along and let me eat my lunch in peace, hm?" He waves his hand in a shooing gesture.
Theresa scoffs, but ultimately does turn around to walk back to her own table, muttering curses and insults at Cartman under her breath as she goes.
Kyle watches her leave with wide eyes.
Holy shit.
Holy shit.
What just happened?
The table is silent for an excruciatingly long moment.
"Uhh…" Stan says hesitatingly. "Cartman, do you… have a girlfriend?"
Cartman rolls his eyes. "No. That bitch is fucking crazy. I don't know what the fuck she's talking about."
Then he goes back to eating his burger like everything is perfectly normal.
Kyle attempts to eat his own sandwich in stunned silence, willing his heart rate to calm the fuck down.
Thankfully, no one at the table presses the issue any further at the moment, but Kyle knows that Stan and Kenny are going to be asking around for rumors because they're both nosy as shit. Stan pretends not to be, but Kenny is shameless about it.
This is a goddamn nightmare.
Somehow, the school day continues like normal and after the last bell rings, the gang goes to get their stuff out of their lockers together.
"Hey, you guys wanna come over and play Xbox tonight?" Stan asks, pulling on his coat.
"Sure, I'm down," Kenny says.
Kyle sighs. "I can't dude, sorry. Got a shitload of chemistry homework to do for tomorrow."
"That's okay, dude. I hate to ask but what about you, Cartman?"
"Huh?" Cartman says, snapping out of a tired daze. "Oh, I can't either. I gotta take Mr. Kitty to the vet."
"Is she okay?" Kenny asks.
Cartman waves his hand in the air dismissively. "She's fine, she's just old as balls and needs to go twice a year."
"Twice a year?" Kyle asks. "Isn't that kind of… excessive?"
Cartman scoffs. "No, Kahl, it's what a responsible pet owner does. I'll have you know that senior cats need some extra love. Not that you'd get it, since your mom's too fucking heartless to get you any pets." He talks in a holier-than-thou tone that pisses Kyle off.
"Hey, fuck you! My dad's fucking allergic, dude."
"Then get him some damn Claritin or something!"
"Oh my God, you are so— ugh," Kyle cuts himself off and rolls his eyes. He angrily stuffs his history textbook into his backpack.
"So what, Kyle? Amazing? Handsome? Talented? Cool-as-fuck?" Cartman teases, taking a step closer to Kyle with every word."
Kyle huffs and avoids eye contact. "Dude, stop being weird."
Cartman's all in his personal bubble now, but Kyle doesn't expect him to slide a hand to the small of his back.
With Stan and Kenny standing right there.
So he flips.
He flinches and snaps, "Don't touch me," grabbing his wrist hard and yanking it away from him. He moves quickly and the angle is awkward, so he unintentionally twists Cartman's arm too much and makes him cry out.
"AH! Fuck Kyle, let go!" Cartman yells. "You're gonna fucking rip my arm out!" He fruitlessly tries to pull away from Kyle's grip with his other hand, prying at his fingers.
Kyle lets go. Cartman rubs his shoulder and hisses through his teeth.
"Goddamn, you're so fucking violent today, Jesus Christ!" Cartman says.
Kyle ignores the guilt that rises to the surface in him and finishes zipping up his backpack.
They all head to the bus and to Kyle's further annoyance, Cartman tries to sit next to him.
"What are you doing?" he snaps, blocking off the seat with his arm.
Cartman rolls his eyes. "Are you stupid, Kyle? I'm sitting next to you."
As much as Kyle wouldn't mind that, he has to consider that they're in fucking public again. He can't let Cartman get too close to him. Last time he did that before the basketball game against North Park, Kenny and Stan got way too fucking suspicious. He can't let himself get caught up in Cartman's antics again.
"Well, don't. Go sit by Kenny or something."
Cartman gives him an annoyed, angry glare, but then he rolls his eyes again and miraculously does what Kyle says.
"Oh my fucking God," Cartman swears under his breath.
Kyle once again ignores his guilt, the entire bus ride home.
Cartman doesn't call him that night, and Kyle has an unusually hard time falling asleep.
In the morning, Cartman tries to sit next to him on the bus again, and Kyle has to tell him to go away, again. It's getting ridiculous, but Kyle has to stand his ground on this.
Cartman is snippy with him all through lunch, refusing to engage in any real conversation, which is why Kyle doesn't expect it when halfway through his free period, Cartman approaches him again in the library.
"Kyle. Come with me," Cartman says.
He sounds pissed. Great.
"Now?" Kyle asks. He really doesn't want to deal with Cartman and whatever fucking mood he's gotten into today.
Cartman lets out an annoyed grunt and rolls his eyes.
"Yes, Kyle. Now."
Kyle sighs. "Fine.'
Despite Cartman's mood, Kyle feels weirdly hopeful as they make their way down the hall. Maybe they can go to the janitor's closet again, and actually fucking lock it this time so they can make out in peace.
But, to his surprise Cartman makes a left instead of a right and they end up going into the empty boys' bathroom.
Cartman, to his credit, shoves the heavy trash can in front of the door in lieu of a lock since this room doesn't have one.
"Okay, asshole. We need to talk," Cartman says. "How long are we gonna have to keep this up, huh?"
Kyle squints and frowns. "Keep what up?"
Cartman huffs and mutters an ohmygod under his breath. He throws his hands up.
"You keep pushing me away all the fucking time, Kyle! It's annoying as shit!"
Oh. Kyle feels a flash of guilt, but then he realizes Cartman is completely misreading the situation, as always.
"I'm— I'm not "pushing you away" Cartman! I'm just… trying not to advertise to the whole world that we're dating, okay?"
"Well, what's so wrong about that?!" Cartman shouts, and it echoes loudly off the bathroom walls.
Kyle jolts forward and covers his mouth with his hand.
"Will you be quiet?" Kyle seethes. Cartman retaliates with a petulant, muffled yell and licks Kyle's hand with gratuitous saliva for the second time this week.
"Ugh, dude, gross!" Kyle yanks his hand away and rubs the spit off on his jeans in disgust. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Cartman barks a disbelieving laugh.
"Oh no, Kyle, don't turn this around on me. I wanna know what your fucking problem is." Cartman points a chubby finger at him and raises his eyebrows in a challenge.
Kyle scoffs.
"C'mon, Cartman—"
"No, I'm being seriously! I wanna know why the fuck you don't want people to know we're dating."
Kyle is caught off guard because the answer should be fucking obvious. Then something dawns on him.
"Wait a minute. You... want people to know?" Kyle asks.
"Uh, yeah? Obviously."
"...Really?"
"Yes, Kyle!"
Jesus. Okay. Kyle thinks back and realizes, very belatedly, they never explicitly talked about this. Kyle had assumed they were on the same page regarding the disclosure of their relationship, but clearly they aren't.
He sighs and runs a hand down his face.
"Look, it's better for everyone if we keep it quiet, okay? Just drop it."
Cartman looks baffled and balks at the suggestion.
"I'm not gonna just drop it, Kyle! This fucking sucks! I have to keep sneaking around and lying and shit just to protect your fragile ego. You should be grateful that I covered your stupid ass when that bitch Theresa came around asking questions!"
"Oh, please. Like you've never snuck around and lied about shit before? And it was your fucking fault we got walked in on in the first place, dumbass!"
"What's so bad about dating me, huh? Am I not pretty enough for you? Not trophy-husband material?"
"No! That's not it at all!" Kyle yells. He shakes his head in frustration, then he huffs and sputters a weak laugh. "I'm not sure if you've realized this Cartman, but you are a GIANT fucking ASSHOLE! Every single person at this school HATES you! People expect ME to hate you! Do you realize how fucking weird it would be if people knew we were dating? It's fucking ridiculous!"
Cartman's face falls, hurt flashing in his eyes as he scowls.
"Y-you're the one who's being a fucking asshole right now!" Cartman retorts, his voice getting more and more heated. "Why do you give a shit what other people think? If anything I should be the one that's embarrassed to be dating YOU!"
Kyle narrows his eyes and clenches his jaw.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he growls.
Cartman laughs, dark and dripping with vitriol. It makes Kyle's blood boil.
"Come on, Kyle. You really think I wanted to date someone with your dirty Jew pedigree? You just HAD to go and ruin my life for me, didn't you? Make me go against my better principles, seducing me against my will? You were always a manipulative snake but that was low, even for you."
Kyle sees red, yelling as blinding fury flares up inside him so quickly he can feel himself shaking with the force of it. He bolts forward and shoves Cartman violently against the wall with both hands, so hard that Cartman's head whiplashes back against the whitewashed brick with a heavy thud. Cartman yelps in pain but Kyle doesn't care.
"FUCK, OW! Kyle, Jesus Christ!" Cartman shouts. Kyle pins him to the wall with his forearm against his upper chest, his face inches away from Cartman's, and glares down at him with hellfire in his eyes. Cartman winces and brings his arms up to try to pull Kyle's arm away.
"Fuck. You," Kyle spits.
"Kyle—"
"No, you shut your fucking mouth! I don't want to hear it. I am sick of your stupid racist garbage, Cartman. You don't get to say that shit to me anymore, do you hear me?!"
Cartman squints and frowns, tilting his chin up defiantly.
"I'm just speaking the truth. If you don't like it, that's your problem. Not mine."
Kyle growls and pushes harder with his arm, crushing Cartman against the wall until he winces again.
"That's complete bullshit and you know it. Stop blaming me for how you feel. I didn't mean for this to happen any more than you, but you are my fucking boyfriend now. And you need to start fucking acting like it."
Cartman stares at him and scowls.
"Yeah well, it's kind of hard to do that when you won't even let me touch you around other people."
Kyle blinks, still fuming, but he can feel himself deflating at the poorly concealed pain on Cartman's face. He stares back at Cartman for a beat before shutting his eyes with an annoyed groan.
Kyle releases him and takes a step back. He turns his back on Cartman, sighing deeply and covering his face with one hand. Cartman rubs the back of his own head with a wince.
Goddammit.
"Look, Cartman, I'm— I'm sorry," Kyle says. "But I can't just… We can't tell people yet. It's not the right time."
It's silent for a moment, tension hanging in the air. Cartman takes a cautious step closer to him.
"What are you so afraid of, Kyle?" Cartman's voice is quiet, oddly subdued.
"I'm not afraid," he snaps, whipping around to face him again.
"Yes you are."
Kyle hates the dread that surges through him. Cartman just keeps looking at him, more serious than he's seen him in a long time. Kyle growls with frustration.
"Dammit Cartman, I'm— I'm not like you, okay?!" Kyle yells, throwing his hands up. "I can't go around not giving a fuck about anything or anybody! Who knows what kind of backlash is waiting for us as soon as everyone finds out? For fuck's sake, people don't even know I like guys, much less that I'm dating someone they thought I hated!"
"Backlash?" Cartman sputters with disbelief. "Everyone in this town was fucking over the moon when Tweek and Craig got together. You really think anyone's gonna give a shit that we're gay? If anything they'll be showering us with praise!"
"This isn't like that," Kyle says.
"Why not?"
Kyle scoffs. "Because— because you're you! We're not like Tweek and Craig at all!"
Cartman folds his arms. "So? If you recall, Kyle, everyone accepted us just fine the last time they thought we were a couple."
Kyle balks at that, and his head reels at the memory. He hates Cartman for many things, and he definitely still hates Cartman for pulling that shit when he tried to date Nichole. But… the bastard isn't wrong. Actually, now that he thinks back on it, everyone was surprisingly and infuriatingly nonchalant about the whole thing.
But Kyle refuses to concede.
"We were nine, Cartman! This is fucking different!" he shouts. "It's for real this time!"
"Everyone thought it was real last time," Cartman says matter-of-factly.
Kyle scoffs, taking a step back.
"But—" Kyle forces a heavy exhale and grits his teeth.
As the seconds tick by, with Cartman staring at him and waiting for a response, Kyle suddenly has a horrible sinking feeling that… Cartman might actually be right.
The thought makes his skin crawl.
"You're overthinking this, Kyle," Cartman says. "We're gay, we're dating. Big fuckin' deal. If people didn't give a shit back then, they won't give a shit now."
Kyle shakes his head in disbelief and takes another half step away from Cartman.
"No. You're wrong. It can't— It can't be that easy," Kyle says, distraught. "Nothing with you is ever that fucking easy." He stares at the floor with his head turned away, thoughts racing a mile a minute.
It's quiet for a moment. He doesn't realize Cartman is approaching him until he feels a hand on his shoulder.
"Look at me, Kyle," Cartman says.
Kyle stubbornly keeps his eyes on the floor, his face burning.
"C'mon man, look at me," Cartman says again. He moves his hand to hold Kyle's cheek and turns his head to face him.
Kyle doesn't know what else to say. He still feels deep in his bones that going public with their relationship any time soon is the worst fucking idea imaginable. He can't even fully fathom it as a possibility.
But Cartman looks so sure of himself, so determined, it makes Kyle question his own thoughts.
"It's going to be okay," Cartman promises. "And even if it's not for some stupid reason, fuck everybody else." He reaches up with his other hand and Kyle stiffens, only for Cartman to tuck a stray lock of hair back under Kyle's hat by his temple.
"Nothing matters to me more than you, Kyle," he says, voice strong with conviction.
Kyle's heart stutters. He searches Cartman's face for a long moment until he comes to the incredible realization that… he's being completely truthful, not a single hint of deception or manipulation in his eyes.
God. He can feel something inside him crumbling the longer he looks at Cartman's resolute expression, and finally Kyle's resolve breaks.
Kyle takes Cartman's face with both hands, tilts his head up, and kisses him.
Cartman makes a tiny noise of surprise, but then he quickly sinks into it like he always does, moving his lips in return and laying hands against his chest. Kyle increases the pressure, opens his mouth slightly to suck at Cartman's upper lip, then his lower lip, then his upper again. As they kiss, Kyle is flooded with sharp, fierce affection.
Cartman hums softly and pulls Kyle closer by his waist. Kyle's head rushes and he can't help stroking his cheek with his thumb, gently nipping and tasting his lips. Cartman squeezes him harder.
The fluttering in Kyle's stomach becomes too much to bear and he breaks away, breathing hard. He doesn't miss the quiet whine of protest Cartman makes, how he tries to capture Kyle's lips again until Kyle stops him by pressing their foreheads together instead.
Kyle lets out a soft laugh.
"I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me," Kyle murmurs, petting his chubby cheek with his thumb again.
Cartman catches his breath and his eyes flutter open. The blush on his face is so stupidly pretty it makes Kyle angry.
"Oh," Cartman squeaks. "W-well damn. I should say shit like that more often if it's gonna make you kiss me like that."
Kyle breathes another laugh.
"Yeah, you should," he replies, smiling. Cartman's blush deepens.
They look at each other for a long moment, and Kyle notes, not for the first time, how fucking cute Cartman is. It's so unfair.
"S-so, uh," Cartman stutters, still frazzled from the kiss. He clears his throat and runs a hand slowly up and down Kyle's lower back. "What do you say, Kyle? Can we spill the beans or what?"
Kyle huffs a short sigh. There's a part of his brain that still wants to say no, that still wants to fight to the bitter end… but he knows there's a larger part of him that has already decided otherwise.
Hell must have frozen over because right now, he has faith that Cartman is right.
"You know what? Yeah. Fuck it," Kyle says, shrugging. "I'm sick of sneaking around too."
Cartman grins brightly, squeezing Kyle's waist.
"Fuckin' sweet."
Cartman's gaze flits to Kyle's lips and he leans in to kiss him again, but Kyle puts his fingers over his mouth to stop him.
"But no PDA, okay?" Kyle says.
Cartman's grin falters and he pouts. "Aw, come on! Can I at least hold your hand in public?"
Kyle's heart sputters at the shockingly innocent request. He thinks for a short second and nods.
"Yeah, that's fine," he amends, his face heating up.
"What about kissing?"
Kyle feels himself blush harder. Jesus, it's like he's a goddamn smitten schoolgirl. He debates himself in his head for a moment before answering.
"Okay. But only, like, short kisses. Three seconds, tops. Absolutely no making out around other people under any circumstances."
"Ten seconds," Cartman counters.
"Three."
"Nine."
"Three," Kyle reiterates.
"Come on, Kyle! Can we at least do five?" Cartman begs.
Kyle huffs. "Okay, sure. Five seconds."
Cartman pouts again but eventually concedes when he sees Kyle isn't budging anymore. "Ugh, fine. Jeez, you're no fun."
"I don't care, Cartman. I don't want to make other people uncomfortable."
Cartman huffs and rolls his eyes.
"Pssh, fine. Whatever. Your loss, dude," Cartman says with a shrug.
Kyle takes a deep breath.
"Okay. So… when do you think we should do it?" Kyle asks.
"As soon as possible," Cartman blurts.
"No, I mean like… How the hell should we tell people? Just show up to school tomorrow holding hands or something?" He knew they'd have to come clean about their relationship eventually but, admittedly, Kyle has not thought about the logistics of this at all.
Cartman thinks for a moment.
"Well, since you're being such a big fucking baby about this, let's just tell Stan and Kenny first. Warm up to it. No matter what, they'll have to accept us. It's broship rules."
"Broship rules?" Kyle asks warily.
"Yeah, dude! Bros gotta stick together, even if some of 'em are raging homos."
"Oh God," Kyle groans, covering his face with embarrassment.
"Kyle, I told you. It's gonna be okay," Cartman says, pulling Kyle's hands away from his face and squeezing them reassuringly. "Trust me, alright? If anyone fucks with us, I'll kick 'em in the balls."
Kyle laughs.
"Cartman, we can't solve all our problems with ball-kicking."
"This time we can! But like I said, I doubt we'll need to anyway," Cartman says.
Kyle sighs again and nods. "Alright, fine. We'll tell Stan and Kenny tomorrow," he says.
Cartman grins.
Tomorrow comes, and Kyle's heart is gonna beat out of his fucking chest.
Cartman has called a meeting at his house. Stan, Kenny, and Kyle all gather around his kitchen table with Cartman at the head, Kyle at the corner next to him, and Kenny and Stan on the other side. Stan keeps shooting Kenny and Kyle confused looks as they sit down. Kenny just shrugs, but Kyle can't bring himself to respond to his friend's silent question of 'what the fuck is going on?' So he just stares right back, which only makes Stan look more confused. Kyle cringes internally and prays that this doesn't go horribly wrong.
When everyone is settled, Cartman clears his throat.
"I hereby call this broship meeting to order," he announces loudly, slamming a gavel on the table. (Where the hell did he get a gavel?)
He pauses for a long while, then Cartman stands from his seat and begins to walk slowly around the table, hands folded behind his back.
"Now. I'm sure you're all wondering why I've gathered you myah today," Cartman starts, his voice taking on that weird pseudo-professional cadence it always does when he's giving a speech. "There comes a time in every young man's life that he starts to ask the big questions: Who am I? What is my place in this world? What do I want to achieve with the time given to me on this earth?"
"Oh God," Kyle groans under his breath. This is already way too fucking dramatic and Cartman just started.
"Well, my dear friends, these are all questions I've been asking myself recently," he continues, "even more so since my recent brush with death…"
Cartman waxes poetic about his existential crisis for another excruciating minute, and finally Kyle can't fucking take it anymore.
"Cartman and I are dating!" Kyle blurts, bolting up from his chair and slamming his palms on the table. Cartman shoots him a dirty look for interrupting his speech and mutters a quiet goddammit, Kyle, but Kyle doesn't care. He had to say it before he fucking exploded from stress.
His words ring in the air for a long moment, and then it becomes painfully quiet.
Eventually, Stan is the one who breaks the silence.
"Heh— What?" Stan says with a nervous laugh. Kyle swallows and clears his throat.
"Cartman and I… are dating," Kyle says, slower. He can practically feel the gravity of those words on his tongue, but he forces himself to look Stan in the eye when he says it.
Stan's face cycles through a slew of emotions in the span of a few seconds, but he mostly just looks shocked.
"We just… thought you both should know," Kyle says, sitting back down again and folding his hands together on the table, suddenly embarrassed by his outburst.
Kyle dares to glance over at Kenny, whose eyes have shot open to the size of dinner plates. Kenny blinks and then shakes his head.
"Wait, hold on," Kenny says, gesturing a "stop" motion with one hand. "Are you fucking with us?" Kenny asks.
"Unfortunately not," Kyle admits.
"Like, you two are dating. Like, for real," Kenny says, pointing back and forth between them.
Kyle and Cartman side-eye each other, then nod their heads. Kenny's face is unreadable and Kyle feels his palms getting sweaty waiting for his reaction.
Then, Kenny smiles.
"Oh my GOD!" he exclaims. "I fucking knew it!"
Kyle is immediately confused. He blinks stupidly.
"W-what?" he says.
Kenny laughs. "Hah! I knew something was up with you guys. This is awesome! I've been waiting fuckin' forever for you two to hook up!"
Kyle is even more baffled, his mouth opening and closing like a fish before he can speak again.
"You have?!"
"Of course, dude!" Kenny says. "Jesus, I'm surprised it took you this long to be honest."
Cartman snickers. Kyle shoots him an annoyed look before turning back to Kenny.
"W-well, okay then," Kyle says, and relief floods his system. He takes a deep breath with a hand on his chest and can feel his heart rate finally slowing down.
Kenny is still beaming as he stands and circles the table to pull Cartman and Kyle into a tight hug around both their shoulders from behind.
"So fucking happy for you guys," Kenny says, giving them one more hard squeeze before releasing them.
Kenny is still standing behind them when Kyle notices Stan hasn't said anything during that whole exchange. He's just… staring at them with wide eyes, unmoving.
"…Stan?" Kyle says.
Stan blinks and finally seems to snap out of it.
"Uh... I'm sorry," Stan mumbles.
Then, to Kyle's horror, Stan rises wordlessly from his seat and walks to the front door.
All of that dread, all the bone-chilling fear Kyle has been trying to keep at bay comes rushing back in an instant. It takes a long few seconds to make himself unstick his own body from his chair and act.
"What the—? Stan, wait!" Kyle shouts.
Kyle chases after him, ignoring Cartman's indignant protests behind him. Stan is surprisingly fast so he's already out the door by the time Kyle catches up to him. He follows him outside into the chilly evening air but Stan keeps walking.
"Stan, where the hell are you going?" Kyle demands. Still no response. Anger starts to creep into Kyle's chest, but then he realizes Stan is getting out his damn car keys and the anger flares hotter.
He's just gonna fucking leave?
"Hey, just— Stop!" Kyle yells, grabbing Stan by the shoulder and forcing him to turn and face him. "What the hell, man? You're not even gonna say anything?"
Stan won't meet his eyes, and he looks like a cornered mouse. It takes him a long moment before he finally answers.
"I… What do you want me to say, Kyle?" Stan asks quietly.
Kyle balks at the question.
"Well, something at least! I just told you gigantic fucking news about my life and you really have nothing to say?"
At least Stan has the decency to look ashamed. He seems to gather his thoughts before speaking again but even then he's still floundering for words.
"This is… I don't know what to tell you. It's— it's Cartman."
Kyle's frowns and his face heats up against his will.
"Yeah. It's Cartman," he repeats, his voice low with anger.
Stan says nothing for an infuriating amount of time, then huffs a short sigh.
"So what the hell are you thinking, Kyle?" He sounds strangely defeated, not meeting Kyle's eyes again.
Kyle grits his teeth and his hands clench into fists at his sides. Shame and embarrassment eat away at him from the inside out, and it's so painful.
"I don't have to fucking explain myself to you."
"Really?" Stan balks. "Because I think this situation calls for a better fucking explanation, Kyle!"
"What else is there to say?!" Kyle shouts, throwing his hands up. "We're dating, okay? That's it!"
Stan lets out a heavy sigh and runs a hand down his face.
"Whatever," Stan mutters. He turns back to his car and unlocks the door.
Fuck. Fuck. Why the hell is Stan like this? Kyle's anger suddenly turns cold.
"Fine," he snaps. "Go ahead and fuck off, Stan."
Stan finally looks at Kyle and his stone-faced expression falters for a split second, hurt flashing in his eyes, but then he just gets in his car without another word.
Kyle doesn't watch him drive away. Instead, he storms back toward the house and realizes Cartman and Kenny were watching that whole exchange from the doorway. His face heats up all over again with unbearable embarrassment.
"What's going on, Kyle?" Kenny asks once he gets closer.
Cartman rolls his eyes, waving his hand in the air dismissively. "Oh, Stan's probably just butthurt that he's not the number one man in Kyle's life anymore."
Kyle stops in his tracks and scowls at him.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Kyle grits out. "Can you fucking take something seriously for once in your life?!"
Cartman just stares at him.
Damn it, how could he be so stupid? He fucking knew something like this would happen, and he let Cartman convince him to do it anyway. He feels like the biggest moron in the world.
God. His best friend just fucking walked out on him. Fuck. Fuck. Kyle feels his eyes prickle.
"This is all your fault," Kyle growls, poking a finger hard to Cartman's chest.
Cartman frowns, but Kyle just pushes past him with a forceful shoulder check to get inside the house.
"Ah shit," Kenny says, rubbing his eyes tiredly.
At a loss of what to do, Kyle sits back down at the table and puts his head in his hands.
"Fuck…" he murmurs.
He's not sure how long he sits there in silence before he hears Cartman's tentative voice behind him.
"Kyle?"
"Leave me alone," Kyle mumbles into his hands.
Cartman sighs.
"No."
Cartman pulls out a chair and takes a seat next to him. A warm hand rests on his shoulder, making Kyle stiffen, refusing to look up. The hand squeezes him reassuringly, then moves to rub his upper back. Kyle resists as long as he can, but eventually he gives in to the comforting touch and lets himself relax.
After a long moment, Kyle sits up and finds Cartman looking at him with concern and, for a split second, it kind of reminds him of a look he's seen Liane give her son.
Kyle shakes his head. "I fucking told you this would happen," he says.
Cartman shrugs. "Well, Stan's a dickhead. He'll come around. You'll see," he replies, continuing to rub Kyle's back.
"You don't know that."
"Uh, I kinda do, Kyle."
Kyle takes a deep breath and rubs his eyes.
"Dude, you know Stan just as well as I do," Cartman continues. "Unlike some fucking people," Cartman pokes him in the arm a few times, "he doesn't hold onto grudges. Actually, I think he's physically incapable of holding grudges. He'll come around."
Kyle shakes his head again. "But what if he doesn't?"
"Then I'll fuckin' kick him in the balls until he does. I told you this before, Kyle."
Kyle barks an unexpected laugh. Cartman is giving him that same confident, reassuring look he gave him earlier, and Kyle feels warmth bloom in his chest.
They look at each other for a moment.
"Alright, you need a hug," Cartman announces. He leans over and wraps his arms around him, pulling him close. Kyle stiffens.
"Cartman, I—"
"Nnnope, shush. It's hug time."
Kyle rolls his eyes and huffs out a breath before he gives in, hugging Cartman back and burying his face in the crook of his shoulder. He's so warm and he keeps squeezing Kyle harder every few seconds and… it actually feels stupidly good.
"Get in here, Kenny," Cartman says, waving him over.
Kenny snorts and says "Alright, make room."
Jesus, Kyle forgot he was even standing there watching them. Guess it doesn't matter now, though. Cat's out of the bag. Kenny walks over and hugs the both of them, and his lean, wiry arms are such a stark contrast to Cartman's pudgy ones, but it's comforting all the same.
"Thanks, guys," Kyle murmurs.
"Cartman's right, Kyle," Kenny says after a moment. "Just give it some time."
Kyle sighs.
"Okay."
He hopes to God they're right.
oooooooooo
*author's note: Ooh boy.
Thanks for reading! Sorry to end on a bit of a cliffhanger but I had to do it at some point ig
The title for this was based on a lyric from the song "Heavy" by POWERS, which I first heard as part of the lovely victimized-martyr's kyman playlist which completely took over my spotify wrapped last year lol.
Also this was inspired by another post by victimized-martyr on tumblr about how Stan would react to finding out about Kyle and Cartman dating because whooo boy the angst... it hurts so good 😭
oooooooooo