PLEASE NOTE THE TRIGGER WARNING: Juvenile Suicide Attempt- I keep the details as light as possible.
Please please please skip this chapter if it's too much- I need all of you to stay safe out there.
"What the hell happened now?" She was too tired to hide her irritation.
"Ethan is in the ICU. He just tried to kill himself."
"Damn it." She threw her legs over the edge of the bed. Her movement woke Elliot who had been dead asleep.
She felt Elliot's eyes on her as searched for her work clothes. She kept Fin on the line. "He was at the precinct this morning wasn't he? He didn't seem off?" She was still trying to wrap her mind around how a child could contemplate something like this.
"I thought it went fine. As good as it could. No one left bleeding this time." So…a little bit better than the last meeting?
"Then what happened!?" She shook her head in disbelief, as she dug through her top drawer for a pair of socks. Something had to have happened. A kid doesn't just decide to do something like this on a whim.
She was trying not to be snappy, but she must not have been successful. Fin's response was a little perturbed. "I'm still finding out details okay. I don't know a lot."
She sighed. "Sorry Fin. I know it's not your fault. I just…"
"No I get it, Liv. I'd be pissed if I got called in right after I got home too. But…" she knew where he was going with the thought. She knew that he couldn't control what happened with the case and when complications would arise.
She felt like she was oozing exhaustion and frustration, but it didn't matter. "I'll be there in a few minutes," she promised.
"I'm at the hospital. Meet me there." She held her phone to her ear with her shoulder so she could slide her socks on. Her head already hurt thinking about how messy this case had become.
"Alright. Thanks Fin."
"Yep." He responded before disconnecting the call.
She tossed her phone into her dresser, and pulled the first work appropriate shirt she could find out of her closet.
"What happened?" Elliot started to slide out of bed, but she hurriedly tossed her shirt over her head and stepped over to stop him. Her hands were on his hips, keeping him from getting all the way up. She leaned over and kissed him quickly. "You stay. I need to go in." She closed her eyes and let out a long breath. "Ethan tried to kill himself."
"Jesus," he muttered. He brushed a hand through her somewhat unruly hair as his eyes filled with concern.
She sighed. "Yeah," she said solemnly.
His hands drifted up and down her arms. "Go. We will be okay here."
She hesitated and her hand drifted to his face. "I don't want to go," she admitted. She felt a little vulnerable saying it, but it was true. She desperately wanted to be there for him and her son, but this damn case yanked her away every chance it got.
He gave her a sad smile, and pulled her face to his. He placed a lingering kiss on her lips. Even when he pulled away her face remained close. She needed just one more moment, but if she was honest, one more moment would never be enough. She pecked his lips again and reached for the blazer hanging over a nearby chair.
Then those words were there again. Waiting to be said, begging to be said. But she couldn't. Not right now, not like this. She needed to go, so she settled for a quick, "Bye El."
-000-
A few minutes after Olivia's departure there was a soft knock on the bedroom door. A head of long blonde hair poked in the slowly. "You asleep?"
Like he could sleep after being pummeled with the information Olivia leveled. "Nah, come on in."
She bounced in and sat on Olivia's side of the bed with her back against the headboard. "Dare I ask what happened?"
Elliot's eyes drifted to the wide open door, "Where's Noah?" The last thing that kid needed was more trauma.
"We finished the movie and he asked if he could play PlayStation. I told him it was fine. Hope that's okay."
"Of course. That's fine. He deserves to unwind a little." Elliot pushed himself back so his back now rested against the headboard.
"What's going on Dad? I've tried to keep from asking questions, but Noah's friend went missing, Noah told me one of his friends died earlier this week, you are basically living with Olivia because she is working like a maniac," something in her eyes implied that she knew the other reasons, "you two came back today looking basically destroyed." Her eyes held his, "What the hell is going on?"
Elliot sighed and leaned his head back against the headboard. "It's long. It's a lot. And it's heavy."
"I'm not going anywhere," she promised.
Elliot sighed. He knew she wouldn't relent, and she was right, she deserved to know what happened, no matter how horrific the whole thing was.
-000-
The ER was crowded for a mid week afternoon, but she easily spotted Fin hovering near Ethan's parents and a thoroughly distraught social worker. The woman was literally a puddle of tears.
Fin saw her and before she could approach the group he met her and pulled her a little further away so they were out of earshot.
"Whats going on?" Olivia kept her voice low.
Fin got right to the point. "Once he was done with us, the social worker took him to his foster home. They didn't make it. Kid jumped out of the car at 50 MPH."
Olivia suddenly felt sick. The visual was too much. "Any idea why?"
Fin shook his head. "No. The parents don't know anything, and that social worker's gonna need some serious therapy after this." He rubbed his hand across the back of his head, "Psychologist is on her way. Said she'd talk to us with the permission of the parents."
The parents who have known the kid for like 20 seconds…she had to remind herself that it wasn't their fault. They were as much victims of circumstance as everyone else in this mess. "Think they'll consent?"
"Yeah. I talked to them when they first got here. They want to know what happened as much as we do." He motioned for her to take a seat a few seats down from the parents and social worker. "We've seen some shitty things on the job, but this…these aren't adults. These are kids."
She let out a long breath. "It's hard to figure out how the hell we got here huh."
"Yeah." Fin agreed.
"Did anyone talk to Marcus yet?" She tried to remove herself from the current situation and focus on the case.
"Not yet. I was gonna send Bruno and Velasco but then the call came in." He leaned his head back against the wall. "I'll call after the psychologist gets here." He kept his head against the wall but turned his face towards her. "Wanna stay here or go to the precinct? One of us should probably head back after the psychologist gets here."
Olivia thought for a moment. "I'll go to the precinct. You hang out here. I want to sit in on Marcus' interview."
Fin nodded. "Sorry I had to drag you in."
She waved him off. "It's fine." It wasn't, but it was what it was. "It's the job."
"The sucky part…" he mumbled.
"Amen."
They sat in silence for a moment. Finally Fin asked, "How's Noah doin with all this?"
She let out a frustrated sigh. "Hell if I know. I'm home for like a minute at a time."
"But he's got Stabler there right? It's not the same, but if it had to be anyone…" he suddenly realized his foot was in his mouth no matter how he finished his thought. Nothing would make it better. She was forced away from her kid. Nothing made that shit better.
She swallowed back a little emotion and agreed. "He has Elliot."
Fin gave her that look, and she'd smack him if she wasn't so damn tired. She glared at him instead, daring him to say whatever he was thinking. He took the challenge.
"It seems like you have Elliot too…"
She rolled her eyes, not sure she would justify the comment with any sort of answer. She crossed her arms and leaned her head back. She was tired, and she was tired of holding the damn truth back when everyone already knew it anyway.
She closed her eyes and sighed. "I do have Elliot."
Thankfully, Fin mimicked her cool demeanor. "Knew it." She could hear the smile in his voice. "'bout time woman."
-000-
Elliot hoped he hadn't said too much. He spent the better part of his life trying to shield his children from the darkness of the world. But now his adult daughter sat next to him, in Olivia's bed, with her arms wrapped around her knees, eyes dewy with tears.
"How did you do this job for so long dad?" Her bright blue eyes seemed even more intense when magnified with tears.
He dropped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. "I honestly don't know."
"Was it because you didn't want to leave Olivia?" Kathleen always knew more than she let on. She was perceptive in a way his other kids weren't.
"I'm not sure how to answer that." He admitted. How could he admit to his daughter that he stuck with a job that killed him so he could stay with Olivia?
"The truth maybe?" She sniffled and wiped her eyes. "It's okay, you know."
"What," he asked, a little confused.
"It's okay that you loved her…that you still love her."
"I'm not sure it was okay, Katie." He wasn't sure why he suddenly laid bare his deepest insecurities for his second daughter.
She laid her head on his shoulder. "It's possible to love more than one person, dad."
"Yeah, but not in the way I love Olivia."
Kathleen lifted her head off his shoulder, "Are you ever going to let yourself off the hook? You always loved Olivia, but you were always faithful to Mom. You can't constantly feel guilty for feelings you never acted on."
"I guess," he chuckled a little, "Why are we even having this conversation?"
"I dunno," her face lightened a little, "maybe because your clothes are all over this woman's floor, you organized her kitchen, and you are sleeping in the same bed…"
He returned her cheeky smile. "We're just friends," he teased.
She smacked his arm, "That might have been true in the past, but I'm not buying that BS now."
"Fine, fine." He laughed, because in spite of everything there was a little bit of happiness running beneath it all.
"I won't say anything yet." Her eyes darted up to his face. "I know how Liv is."
"Yeah. I'm sure the peanut gallery has already figured it out, but if you could keep it to yourself it would help a lot. Especially right now…you know…with everything."
"I understand."
He pressed a kiss onto her forehead, and he realized this conversation left him feeling a little lighter. "Thank you baby."
She appeared confused, "for what exactly?"
"Listening." He felt like he needed to empty the contents of his brain out, like a disorganized drawer. Talking with Kathleen helped him sort through the garbage and regroup what was left.
"I'm always here," she promised.
-000-
Olivia waited while the psychologist spoke with Ethan's parents. It felt strange that people who barely knew him were suddenly calling the shots about things like psychiatric care. But they were the kid's parents, and they had been robbed of so much time. They deserved a say now.
Once the psychologist finished with the parents, she started in their direction. Olivia appreciated it when the woman jumped right in.
"Ethan has obviously struggled with the return of his parents. He never had an inkling that his father wasn't his father, and the whole thing was jarring to say the least."
"No kidding," Fin muttered.
"His other behavioral issues, and the added stress of the investigation drove him even further down a dangerous path." She sighed. "The parents requested a psychiatric consult, and the prescribing doctor suggested an antidepressant in the hopes of leveling out the instability he had both before and after things began rushing downhill."
"That would have helped though?" Fin asked.
"Not necessarily. Psychiatric professionals are extremely cautious when prescribing antidepressants to children and teens. There is a higher risk of suicidal thoughts and actions in children and teens."
"Then why prescribe it at all," Olivia wondered.
"Because many many kids respond well, and if they are monitored effectively, the risk is minimized."
"But Ethan was being passed around…"
"Exactly. It was the perfect storm. Things lined up in a way where he couldn't handle his life. He felt out of control." The psychologist's voice saddened, "The medical team is still assessing his injuries. Once their exam is complete, I'll try speaking with him, and I can give you a better idea of why this happened."
"Thank you," Olivia said kindly.
The psychologist gave them a quick nod before retreating. Olivia turned back to Fin with a sigh. "Let's get going then."
Mental health awareness is something near and dear to my heart. Please know there is ALWAYS a reason to STAY. The world needs you.
In the United States there are several places to turn in a time of crisis.
Call 988 for Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. They are available 24/7.
**I know that MANY of you lovely readers are located outside of the United States. I'm not aware of other country's mental health services, but if you would like to drop the information in the comments that would be amazing. The world is better when we look out for each other.**