Lars didn't suspect a thing. He stumbled in from the night shift, joked that they both looked like they'd had a rough night, and hit the shower, same as usual. He carried on yesterday's conversation about baby names, unsuspecting, and didn't seem to notice Leela's pale face or stiff responses.

He didn't know.

The crew didn't seem to notice either. Farnsworth was lost to senility, Hermes to bureaucracy, and Zoidburg to his never-ending pursuit of friends and food. Amy and Bender were secretive and weird, and while Leela privately wondered how in the world it had happened, she was at least grateful for their timing. Bender would have sniffed out gossip like this at a hundred paces if he didn't have something of his own to hide.

As it was, Leela had to feign surprise when she stumbled across him and Amy half-dressed in a closet. Amy shrieked and covered herself with a copy of ZeroG Jugs (Leela wondered briefly who the hell owned that) and Bender's antenna depressed with a forlorn little sound.

"Uh-oh. Uh, hey there, big boots! You're looking especially eyeball-y today. You know, I bet you could even keep a scandalous robosexual secret for your ol' buddies Bender and Amy, and not go sticking your nose in like you usually do . . . am I right?"

Leela rolled her eye. "Bender, words fail – oh, forget it."

She stomped off, feeling almost as foul-tempered as before. Unfortunately this left her with only one place to go – the employee lounge, where Fry was playing video games with Cubert. And losing, apparently. Leela took a seat on the couch and tried to behave like a normal, non-adulterous person with nothing special to feel guilty about, and no flashbacks to naked, sweaty fellow crew members, mumbling I love yous as his mouth pressed hot against her skin . . .

Oh, crud.

As she sat down, Fry's avatar stumbled and was gored by his opponent, then kicked into a pool of lava. GAME OVER.

Cubert gave a contemptuous oink. "You stink even worse than usual! What is up with you today?"

"Nothing's up," Fry snapped. "Shut up."

"Hey, Bender," Cubert called, "your dimwitted buddy stinks nearly as bad as you! Did you drop him on his head again?"

"Shut your snout, Cubert," Leela interjected.

Cubert snorted. "Oooh, I'm scared. Hey, Fry, look! Leela's sticking up for you! Mmm-mmm, mmm! Kissy kissy – ow!"

Leela had thrown the remote at his head. Bender laughed.

"Nice shot, meatbag."

The robot sank into the couch next to Fry and poked him in the ribs. When his roommate didn't respond he narrowed his optics and raised Fry's arm, letting it flop limply back down again.

"Fry's broken."

Fry pulled his arm away. "I'm fine," he muttered. "Quit it, Bender."

"Nah, fixed him! So, meatbag, thanks for clearing out last night. Bender scored big. And I mean Nixonbucks big."

Amy giggled. Fry paled.

"Super," he said hoarsely.

"And?"

"Huh?"

"Aren't you gonna ask for all the juicy details? Because it was scandalous, and if anyone finds out . . . well, they might just say Bender's gone too far this time. This is one uptown broad, but it's -" - he turned down the volume - "taboo."

"That's great, Bender."

"Huh? Are you even listening to me?"

"Really great, Bender."

"Hey!"

"Bender is great."

"Oh." Bender settled back, mollified. "You were listening! So anyways . . ."

Bender continued to talk. Amy continued to giggle suspisciously at every veiled reference to her. Cubert continued to snort nervously and pull faces at any mention of sex. Fry continued to stare blankly at the screen. Leela watched him nervously for a few minutes, and then, satisfied the others were distracted, reached over and ruffled his hair with her fingertips.

He jumped, and she quickly withdrew her hand.

"You okay?"

Fry swallowed.

"Sure."

The Professor had discovered Amy and Bender mid-makeout, and all hell had broken loose.

"Amy? You and Amy? Bender, how could you?"

Fry pulled dead leaves from his hair, glaring. Bender simply took another drag of his cigar, and shrugged carelessly.

"No reason why not. I'm Bender, she's loaded . . . it was bound to happen sooner or later. Anyway, what are you so knotted up about? You and Squishy were done years ago."

"Squishy?" Leela interrupted.

"Y'know, Amy. You meatsacks are all squishy. It's not half bad." The robot winked.

"But – but she's human," Fry said fruitlessly.

Even Leela found her attention pulled away from the ship's controls. Bender out-and-out stared.

"So what?" he said angrily. "You don't care about all that. Either does Amy."

"You do," Fry snapped.

Bender blew a smoke ring in his face. "Nah. I'll admit, before me and Amy started gettin' it on, I was as judgemental about metal fever as the next robot. Only more so, 'coz I'm Bender, and Bender does everything better than the next robot. But there's something to be said for you humans, if you know what I mean." He winked again. "You get all hot and sticky. It's fun."

"Shut up!"

Bender sniggered at Fry's expression. "Eh, pipe down, meatbag. Whaddya have to get so uptight for?" When Fry merely growled in the back of his throat, Bender narrowed his optics and studied him more closely. "Oh, I get it. You need to get laid."

"No!"

"Yeah right. How long has it been, anyway?"

"Nngh."

Leela almost crashed the ship, but Bender seemed to interpret Fry's choking sound as nothing worse than embarrassment, because he laughed and thumped his friend on the back.

"Yeah, yeah. Get some of your own, buddy. Jealousy is an ugly, ugly thing."

"It's not about that."

"Whatever you say, amigo . . ."

"It's not! I just think you should leave Amy alone."

Leela frowned. "He has a point, Bender. What about Kif? Amy still loves him. Things could get a little messy, don't you think?"

"Nah. The problem with you is you overthink stuff. You're always thinking about crap like consequences. It's just sex. Nobody's dragging feelings into it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going below deck to have a little fun."

Bender tapped his cigar ash onto Fry's head and headed off in the direction of the arguing Amy and Farnsworth.

Fry sank glumly into his seat as Leela watched him. Eventually she switched on the autopilot and turned to face him.

"Fry . . . Amy's a big girl. She can look after herself." She played awkwardly with her wristlojackimator. "Although it is awfully sweet of you to try and look out for her."

"No it's not. Bender's right. I'm just jealous."

Leela felt her stomach clench. "Because he has Amy?" she managed at last.

"What? No! Because he doesn't care."

"Well." Leela cleared her throat. "We'd all like to be as selfish as Bender sometimes."

Fry stared at the floor. "I feel weird," he muttered.

"You have looked better. Maybe you're coming down with something."

"That's not what I meant," Fry mumbled, as Leela put her hand on his forehead to take his temperature. "I feel all shaken up, like a milkshake or something."

Leela laughed nervously. "Uh-huh." She hesitated when he touched her arm. "Fry . . ."

"I think about you all the time. Like a crazy person. I can't eat, I can't sleep . . . even Slurm doesn't taste good anymore. Maybe I am sick." Fry twined his fingers through hers, staring at her intently. "Or maybe I'm just going crazy."

Leela tugged her hand away, and sighed heavily.

"Fry, I put you in a situation you're completely ill-equipped to handle," she said. "I screwed up, and I'm sorry. I wanted something and I took it, and I didn't think about you at all. You have every right to hate me for that. But right now I have to fly the ship and hold it together, okay?"

She touched his cheek.

"I trampled all over your feelings, and I care about that," she said awkwardly, "I do. But this isn't the place to talk about it."

"Oh. Well, can we talk about it when Zapp's finished with us?"

"We'll – wait, what?"

Sure enough, a sudden gloom had fallen over the cockpit.

"Docking complete," the autopilot said breezily.

"Oh, lord – you snake!"

"Sobriety level 43.9 per cent. This is your seventh reminder notice. Prepare to be boarded, captain!"

Hermes stumbled into the room. "Leela! What's goin' on, mon? Eh. Woman," he corrected himself quickly, as Leela's glare fell upon him.

"The autopilot docked us with the Nimbus."

"Dat drunk!"

Hermes didn't get any further, however, because Zapp Brannigan had just entered the room, wearing a sleazy smile and cologne so strong it was making Kif's eyes water behind him.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't the lovely Leela. And some other people I can't be bothered to pay attention to right now . . ."

Leela scowled. "Zapp."

Brannigan leered back at her, as impervious as ever to her disgust.

"Leela. The luscious Leela. Tell me, how are you finding married life? Has the itch started to sink in yet?"

Leela would have taken a deep breath to calm herself, but Zapp's cologne put paid to that plan.

"It's been two years, Zapp, not seven. I realize you only usually need 'zero' love interests and 'wave after wave' of your own men, but you might want to consider learning some other numbers."

Zapp stared blankly at her. "Huh?"

"I said-"

"No matter. Hush, Leela. Bestill those . . . sensuous lips. Mmmm. I was referring to the Captain's itch." He waggled his eyebrows. "An itch that only one man can scratch, and I, Leela, am that man!"

"Ugh." Leela leaned away. "Not if the universe was ending, Brannigan."

"The universe ending, you say?" Zapp waggled an eyebrow. "Kif, make a note of it."

"Yes, captain," Kif said wearily. He duly jotted this down, and then turned apologetically to Leela. "We just need to stamp your permits," he explained.

Hermes jumped up. "Bureaucratisin'!" he cried happily. "Why didn't ya say so? Outta my way, non-authorized personnel!"

As Hermes bent over his miniature filing cabinet, Kif sidled over to Fry and Leela.

"Uh . . . uh . . . how is Amy?" he managed at last.

Leela winced. There were times when Kif's nerves were almost too painful to watch. She was about to put him at ease when Fry jumped in, attempting (far less successfully) to do the same thing.

"She's doing great. Uh, I mean, not great. Uh. Uh." He shifted nervously from foot to foot. There was a pause as he writhed uncomfortably on the spot. Then he blurted out :"She's sleeping with Bender!"

"Fry, you idiot!"

"I'm sorry!" the delivery boy wailed. "I just couldn't take it, Leela. The tension was killing me!"

Leela rolled her eye. "All you had to do was keep your mouth shut!" she hissed. "How hard can it be?"

Fry stuck his hands in his pockets, looking surly. "It was too confusing," he whined. "I had to keep my mouth shut about that, and about Bender's smuggling ring, and about us having se- unngghhh . . . s-second helpings at Scruffy's buffet."

Hermes looked up briefly, outraged. "You had second helpings? Selfish dawgs!"

"I know," Leela said quickly. "We're ashamed of ourselves. Aren't we, Fry?"

She glared at him. Fry nodded fervently. Then the moment of panic passed, and he slumped even further against the wall of the ship, staring at his shoes.

"Sorry," he muttered to Kif.

The Amphisobian hardly seemed to hear him. The sheaf of paper in his hand drooped and fell to the floor, unheeded, as he stared vacantly into the distance.

"Amy . . ." he whispered.

Leela touched his arm awkwardly, concerned. "Are you okay?"

Kif jerked away. "Fine," he snapped. "I'm fine, thank you. Excuse me."

He hurried from the ship without another word, leaving Zapp to holler after him in vain.