Castle Oblivion wasn't at the top of Vanitas's list of favorite worlds. In fact, it was almost at the bottom, right below Disney Town and just an inch above the Keyblade Graveyard. At least Disney Town had ice cream to balance out the world's painful brightness.
But Castle Oblivion had free washing machines. So here they were.
"I get why we didn't come here sooner," Vanitas said, lying flat on a bench in the industrial-sized laundry room.
This place did an overkill job of catering to Aqua's needs. Together their clothes barely filled two of the room's twenty-something washing machines, and that was only because Aqua insisted on separating the lights and darks. He lounged in his dark suit (which couldn't be washed anyway) while Aqua wore a set of white button-up pajamas. Apparently everything this Castle generated was white. Aqua could've changed the color, but there wasn't much point when she'd just ditch the clothes again after the laundry was done.
"Why's that?" Aqua asked, sitting down next to his head and running her fingers through his hair. He smiled.
"Too much white. Think I'd go crazy if I had to live here."
"Me too." She chuckled. "Being stuck here for a while wasn't too fun. I thought you might say it was because you could feel Ven here, though. Can you feel him at all?"
Her voice held a hint of longing—she still missed him, of course. Vanitas knew better than to feel jealous of that by now, much as that was easier said than done. If Aqua didn't care about her friends, she wouldn't be Aqua.
He shook his head. "Ventus isn't here. I mean, his body might be, but his heart isn't. I would know."
"You're right… we still need to find Sora, don't we?" She sighed.
Vanitas swung his legs off the bench and sat up.
"That's where Ventus really is." He nodded. "Figured we'd run into Sora by now, honestly."
"Me too. I hope nothing's happened to him." Aqua's brows drew together. "No one else has been able to track him down either, as far as I know. Not since Kairi went to warn him about the Organization."
"He was fine then, right?"
"I think so. And Riku said it's normal for him to forget to check in."
"Then I bet he's fine," Vanitas reassured her, combing his fingers through her hair in return.
She rested her head on his shoulder. Now that his body had begun growing again, he was closer to her height, making the position a little more comfortable than it used to be. Though he wouldn't admit it, he hoped he didn't get taller than her. No matter how fun she would be to tease, there was something comforting about the way she could rest her chin on his head, or scoop him into her arms.
"If he's anything like me, nothing's gonna take him out that easy," he said.
"You're probably right. It's just… it's hard being so close to Ven, and not being able to do anything to help him," she replied. "I hope he'll forgive me. It's taken so long…"
"Of course he'll forgive you. You guys are friends, right? Besides, I bet Ventus couldn't hold a grudge if his life depended on it."
Against anyone but me, anyway. He didn't look forward to facing his other half again, but Aqua needed him. And whether Ventus would remember or not, he'd helped Vanitas. He owed it to Ventus to help him wake up.
"You'd be surprised. One of the last times I saw him…" Aqua winced. "I made some mistakes then, too. Even before the darkness took hold of me."
"Then you'll fix them," he said matter-of-factly, but she didn't seem to be listening.
"And if we haven't found Terra by then… when he finds out what I did to Terra…"
"Hey." Vanitas wrapped his arms around her and gave her a tight squeeze. "That wasn't your fault, alright? Terra's going to be fine. We got Saix back from the Organization, so we can get Terra back, too."
As much as he'd never liked the bigger keybearer, Vanitas would do everything he could to make sure he came back in one un-Norted piece. No one deserved what had happened to him. What Vanitas had helped Xehanort do to him… but it was too late to blame himself now. What he'd done while working with Xehanort was in the past. All he could do was try to fix it.
"You're right. It's just being back here in this place… it makes me think about them," she mumbled into his shoulder. "It reminds me of everything that happened. Everything I was too weak to stop."
"Not being able to stop Xehanort doesn't make you weak," he said firmly. "No one's been able to stop him for good yet."
That didn't seem to cheer her up, but she didn't say anything, just adjusted her head in the crook of his neck. Unsure what else to do, he rubbed her back soothingly the way she'd done to calm him before. He thought it might have helped, until he felt the warm water droplets seeping through the fibers of his suit.
"Hey," he said softly, twisting on the bench so that one leg hung off each side of it. Now facing Aqua, he lifted her chin. Her cheeks sparkled with the tears that flowed down them.
"I'm fine, Van," she said, voice tired. "I will be, anyway. Once all this is over."
Call him impatient, but Vanitas didn't want to wait until all this was over to see her happy again. Not that she was crying all the time, but ever since the fight with Xehanort last week, she'd slipped into more bouts of melancholy. Vanitas hated not knowing how to cheer her up. She was working so hard to control her darkness and to save everyone around her. No one should have to handle that kind of pressure.
"Forget about 'all this' for a moment," he said, waving a hand. "You can't fix everything by yourself anyway, so let Lea and Riku and the others worry about Xehanort. What do you want to do now? What would make you happy?"
She blinked at him, tears still dripping from her eyelashes.
"I'm not sure I can just forget about everything, but… a break would be nice," she admitted, looking away. "I'd like to save Ven, but since we need Sora for that, I guess the next thing would be… having a place to stay. A real place, not just moving between inns and camping. Not that I mind sleeping under the stars, but having a real home again, with showers and a washing machine and everything—I think it might help."
Vanitas's brow furrowed. "But didn't you say we couldn't live together? Something about rumors and expectations and… stuff?"
He didn't admit that was still pretty confused about all that. The last thing he wanted to do right now was make her uncomfortable again by asking her to clarify.
A hot blush stained her face.
"People are probably going to spread rumors regardless. I mean, look at what happened a few days ago, when everyone thought you were one of Xehanort's vessels. There's no point in worrying about what other people think anymore."
Somehow the look on her face said that any new rumors would be just as bad as that one. But how could living together spark any rumors like that? If anything it would just show that Aqua really trusted him, right?
Unless she didn't trust him. Unless she thought everything would be different with a real roof over their heads, without the need for alternating watches each night.
…Would it be different? He didn't think so. Sleeping was sleeping, no matter where it happened. He just wanted a decent mattress.
"Unless you don't want to," Aqua said quickly, her face even redder than before. "I don't mean, I'm not trying to ask you to sleep with me—we can share a bed and snuggle though if you want. Or not. Actually that would be so improper we shouldn't do that but what if we did and I snuggled you every night forever. Unless you don't want to do that either! Nevermind, actually, I can't share a bed with anyone ever I would die." She closed her eyes.
"Uh? Um, I don't have a problem with… snuggling." Even though the word snuggling sounded super lame. Whatever, it wasn't like she was going to judge him for it.
"Yep! This is fine!" Her grin looked slightly manic. "We can share a room and I can just change in a closet forever. I can wear a bra to sleep, that'll be comfortable and normal for me, this is okay we can make it work."
"Bra?" Vanitas's head tilted. "Why do you care about that? You're not even wearing it right now."
The underwear was in the washing machine, along with the rest of their clothes. Aqua groaned and slumped forward, dropping her head in her hands.
"I don't care. And I don't care what strangers say about us. I don't. I don't care what anyone thinks about me." Her hands gripped at the roots of her hair, where a tiny bit of black was visible beneath the blue. "These castle clothes are too white and boring and if my laundry doesn't finish soon I'm going to kill someone."
He half expected darkness to be wafting off of her, but instead she was just breathing heavily. He rubbed her back again, hoping it would help calm her.
"I'm sure there's some Heartless outside, if you need to?" he offered.
She laughed a little at that. "I love you."
"I love you too?" He was so confused right now. But at least she didn't seem to be hyperventilating anymore. Hopefully.
Now he just needed to figure out how to keep this from happening again, despite having almost no idea what had upset her in the first place. She wanted to live with him. She didn't want to live with him. She wanted to cuddle. If they cuddled she'd die. Void, his head hurt.
"I'm sorry. I'm not making sense," she said, as if she'd read his mind. "I still… well, let's just say you're not the only one who has no idea what they're doing. Being in a relationship, and things changing…"
He blinked. He'd known that, of course, but somehow it was hard to believe that Aqua was worried about something as simple as, well, him.
"Things don't have to change if you don't want them to." He scooted away, just a bit.
Sometimes she needed space. Sometimes he needed space, too. It was fine. It didn't mean she hated him.
"I do, it's just… there's so much you don't know," she finished quietly.
His throat tightened. Was that it? Was he too stupid to be with her? He could fix that! He could learn things, without relying on her to hurt herself teaching him.
"I know. There's a lot I don't understand."
He forced a smile and pushed down the Scrappers that wanted out. It wasn't her fault. He wasn't going to take his ignorance out on her.
"I'm glad you've tried to explain stuff to me and all, but you don't have to. I'll find someone else who isn't, um…" Going to have a panic attack just thinking about it, he didn't say. "Yeah. I don't want to do anything stupid and make you feel worse."
Something about the topics of bras and sleeping and relationships were sensitive for her. Enough to make her act this strangely. If he pushed her too hard—if he pushed her away—he'd never forgive himself.
"No no it's fine, you're fine, I'm so normal and functional about relationships and gender and sexuality I can do this—" she cut off with a shocked little laugh. "Wait. You know someone else you could ask about this?"
He shrugged.
"I helped de-Nort Saix. He owes me a favor. You said it's usually a parent who gives this 'talk' to their kids, right?"
"Yeah, I guess?" She frowned. "I mean, I didn't get the best… Eraqus did his best. I was a really…. Unusual child? I kind of blocked him out the first time, and then he ended up having to give Terra and I the talk again a few years later when he caught us—not what you'd think!"
She waved her hands wildly, almost smacking him in the process. Her face was redder than his Wayfinder.
"That sounded so bad. I promise Terra and I were not… doing anything… we were just… he's like a brother to me… gross… I would not… We were!" She coughed and shook her head. "Actually I don't want to tell you that right now I'm not… is it hot in here?"
He opened his mouth to say no, but she kept going.
"Anyway! The point is! I was also very distracted the second time being mad at Eraqus because I was thirteen and an idiot. And I haven't talked to anyone about it since then. So I'm… not an expert. I've read books though. Do you want me to look for a book for you? Actually, I'd have to borrow… no, that would require some awkward conversations… I lied. I think I am worried about rumors sometimes. Light, I'm so sorry, I'm rambling again sorry I'm not anxious at all I'm so normal about this." She smiled and patted his shoulder reassuringly. "What were you saying?"
"I was going to ask Saix…"
"Saix?"
"That's what I said?"
"You think Saix will—? Well, I guess you know him better than I do. He's back in Radiant Garden now, isn't he?"
Vanitas nodded before standing from the bench. "Might as well go try to talk to him now, while I'm thinking about it. I don't think any Organization members will find you in here while I'm gone."
He smiled at her, and she returned it.
"Probably not. But, Van—" An awkward look passed over her face before she sighed and shook her head. "I'm sorry I'm so bad at talking about this. I knew it was something we'd have to discuss eventually, but… thanks for not making me do it. It really does mean a lot to me."
"And I'm sorry I look like an idiot because no one ever taught me this stupid stuff." He shrugged. "This isn't normal, I get that much. But we'll be okay, right?"
"Right. It's not like we've ever been normal." She smiled, looking relieved. "Hopefully your conversation is less horribly awkward than this one. Take care, Van."
He bent down to place a quick kiss on her cheek.
"Only if you do, too."
XXX
Vanitas bounced on the balls of his feet, letting out a breath as he stared at the unadorned apartment door. He felt exposed standing there in his dark suit. He'd forgotten to change before leaving Castle Oblivion, but his new clothes were still in the laundry, anyway.
Maybe he should've waited. Aqua had been strangely anxious about getting back into her regular clothes, but she didn't want him to see her change. He wished he knew if she was mad at him for accidentally making her panic. The familiar tightness of his suit only added to his growing anxiety about the whole situation.
This was stupid. If Aqua couldn't even explain all this relationship stuff, why would Saix be able to? He was a Nort, he might not even know about it. What was he supposed to say, anyway? "Tell me why it's a big deal if people see each other naked?" What if he just sounded stupid and then Saix wouldn't even be his friend at all and—
He punched the doorbell before he could talk himself out of it. He couldn't keep making Aqua uncomfortable with his ignorance. Still, he let out another hissing breath and glanced down the hall, as if someone would come walking down the stained carpet to save him from his coming embarrassment.
No one did, of course. And then a voice called from inside.
"Door's open!"
Vanitas froze. That didn't sound like Saix, it sounded like… he muttered a curse.
Lea. Why did it have to be Lea? Vanitas hadn't talked to the man since he'd accidentally released the Unversed on him last week. He hadn't realized the two of them lived together.
It wasn't fair. Why was it okay for them, but not for himself and Aqua? What was he missing?
He didn't want to ask Lea. His stomach churned with Jellyshades just thinking about it.
Right when he was about to say screw it and take off down the hall, the door opened.
"Sheesh, these walls are like paper, I thought you'd hear—Van?" Lea's eyes widened.
"Vanitas to you," he corrected automatically.
"Vanitas, sorry. Didn't get that memorized." He chuckled awkwardly, then scanned Vanitas up and down. "So, uh… what's with the getup?"
"Laundry incident," he not-quite-lied before taking in Lea's appearance.
His explosion of red hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail, and he wore an orange tank top and short plaid shorts. Had the fairies finally gotten him some new clothes, or was his fashion sense just that bad?
Vanitas bit his tongue before he could insult the man out loud. He didn't have time to argue right now.
"Is Saix home?"
"Oh. Yeah, he's here. Didn't know he was expecting… anyone." You, his voice seemed to say. But he held the door open for Vanitas to enter.
Stupid stupid stupid idea—Saix, you better be able to help me…
The apartment was small, but to Vanitas, it might as well have been a castle. Worn-in couches with clothes strewn over them, a wobbly kitchen table, peeling floral wallpaper that must be centuries out of date. The only thing that looked like it belonged in this decade was a red laptop plugged into the wall outlet and sitting on the floor.
"Nice place," Vanitas commented. Lea shrugged.
"Hey, the electricity works nine days out of ten, and I can power the water heater myself. Isa and I don't exactly have munny for much else."
"Huh? No, I—nevermind." Vanitas sighed. Apparently he'd come off as sarcastic, but he'd meant it. This place looked like a home.
They could eat their takeout breakfasts at a real table, in private, without having to find a new alley or rooftop any time they wanted to ignore restaurant manners. They could leave their laundry lying around, not having to worry about folding it small enough to fit in backpacks. They could even flop back on that lumpy couch and snuggle, if she felt like it.
If she felt like it. If she even wanted to live with him at all.
"What about you?" Lea asked, spinning a wooden chair around and sitting in it backwards. "You and Aqua find a place to hole up yet?"
Vanitas drummed his fingers on the table, focusing on the pattern and not on how much he wanted to scream. Did Lea think it wasn't a big deal for them to live together? And if not, why was Aqua so worried? They were supposed to be getting better at understanding each other, but he felt more lost than ever.
Maybe he wasn't ready to live with her, if he couldn't even understand this much.
"Actually, that's what I'm here for," he said, trying to sound like he knew what he was doing and wasn't strangling approximately fifty Jellyshades in his guts.
Lea raised an eyebrow. "If you're wanting to room with us, you're gonna be disappointed. We've only got two beds, and contrary to popular belief, Isa and I aren't sharing."
"You really like to jump to conclusions, don't you?" Vanitas huffed, stealing a chair himself. "And who's Isa? I thought Saix lived here."
"He doesn't really go by that name anymore," Lea said, looking away. "Saix was his name when he was in the Organization. Isa's his real one."
"Oh. Okay." Vanitas shrugged. "I just came to ask him a question. That's all. No need to freak out at me again."
"About that…" Lea ruffled his hair, still avoiding Vanitas's eyes. Hopefully it wasn't because the gold made him uncomfortable. "I don't say this a lot, but... sorry. I don't know what happened at Scrooge's place, but Isa told me what you did for him. You can't be half bad if you could pull off that. So… thanks."
For once, Lea met Vanitas's eyes and smiled.
Vanitas blinked, unsure how to respond. People didn't thank him. He didn't do things that people could thank him for. This had been his plan though, right? To prove he wasn't one of Xehanort's vessels?
His face heated slightly as he shrugged.
"No problem. You believe I'm not a Nort, then?"
"I didn't mean to call you a Nort," Lea said quickly. "I'm not the best at words. I just meant—well, fine, I wasn't sure you weren't a Nort. But I didn't mean to call you out like that."
Well you still did, Vanitas wanted to snap. But it wasn't like Lea could fix that now, and the apology was more than Vanitas had expected.
"And I didn't mean to set those Unversed on you," he begrudgingly admitted.
"Unversed? Is that what those monsters were?"
"Yeah. They're… let's just say they show up when I'm not feeling great. Usually I can control it, but sometimes I can't." His tone was clipped. He didn't want to explain such a raw part of himself, but it would help keep people from accusing him if they knew his Unversed were usually an accident.
"Huh. Sounds kinda like Isa's whole berserk thing," Lea mumbled. Vanitas couldn't tell if he was supposed to hear it or not. "Anyway. You mind if we start this whole thing over? Since you did help save one of my best friends, and I really don't want Aqua coming after me for insulting her boyfriend…"
Lea grinned expectantly. Could it really be that easy, though? Were some people that willing to forgive?
"Guess I'd rather not have Aqua mad at me for snapping at one of her friends, either." Vanitas reluctantly smiled back. He hoped it looked like a smile, anyway. It must have worked, because Lea stood and clapped a hand on his shoulder.
"Thanks, man. I'll see about getting Isa for you. Thought he'd come out by now…"
Lea disappeared down the short hallway leading to three rooms. The one he knocked on was on the right, directly opposite an open door that led to a disaster zone. Who had enough stuff to make a mess like that?
"Isa? You remember Vanitas, right? He's got a question for you."
The door opened, revealing the man Vanitas was looking for—though he almost didn't recognize him in the gray t-shirt and sweatpants he was currently wearing. He also held a half-finished bowl of ramen that he set down on the kitchen counter before taking a creaking seat at the table across from Vanitas.
"You came back," Isa said as Lea grabbed a soda can from the fridge.
"What, you're surprised?" Vanitas squirmed in his seat.
Should he not have come here? Was there some other social rule he'd missed?
"I suppose I simply… didn't see why you'd bother."
Lea took a gulp of soda while not-so-discreetly elbowing him. "Enough with the emo stuff, man. You deserve friends just as much as the rest of us."
"Are we… friends, then?" Vanitas asked.
He didn't really know how it worked. Ventus made friends with everyone within five minutes of meeting them, but that was Ventus. And Saix had turned down his offer of friendship before, right?
But Isa smiled, his green eyes seeming much more alive than the last time Vanitas had seen him.
"An enemy of Xehanort is a friend of mine."
Vanitas grinned. He'd take that. But then he remembered why he was here, and the grin turned to a grimace.
"I'm as ready to get rid of the old man as the rest of you, but that's not why I'm here." He fidgeted with the hem of his skirt. "I… uh…"
How was he supposed to ask this? Aqua made it seem like there were so many rules around talking about these things. But then again, he'd never cared much for rules, had he? If Lea had forgiven him for accidentally siccing the Red Hot Chilis on him, then surely they could handle a stupid conversation.
"Okay." He took a deep breath. He was normal. He was fine. Just like Aqua.
"Are you… alright?" Isa asked awkwardly. "Are you cold?"
Oh. He was shivering enough that the uneven legs of his chair rattled against the tile. So much for being normal.
"You do keep it like the arctic in here," Lea mumbled.
"I'm not cold." He willed his body to stay still. "I'm fine. Great. Aqua and I are great."
Lea raised an eyebrow. Isa just looked more concerned. This was not helping him feel better, but he'd gotten this far. He wasn't a coward.
"So… um… do you know about sex?"
Lea spit out his soda, rather dramatically spraying Isa in the face. The blue-haired man blinked, sighed, and grabbed the edge of Lea's shirt to wipe off the liquid.
"Hey!"
"Suck it up, Lea," Isa said. Under the soda spray, his face was slightly red, the way Aqua's always got when talking about this. "Your shirt is hardly the most pressing matter right now."
"Duh it isn't!" Lea was the one shaking now. "Flaming pants. Is Aqua freaking pregnant!?"
"Huh? No?" Vanitas's brows furrowed as he processed the question. "Actually I… don't really know enough about being pregnant to… hmm. Why are you asking, anyway? You didn't even answer my question."
"Flaming pants. Flaming PANTS. I am not paid enough for this."
"Calm down. You're not getting paid at all."
"Well I should be!"
Vanitas reached into the inner pocket of his skirt. Hopefully he'd left some munny in this outfit…
"Don't. You are not paying us for this. That would only feel worse, somehow…" Isa sighed, rubbing the spot where his scar crossed the bridge of his nose. "Alright. Aqua is not pregnant. Hopefully. Are you here for sex advice, then? Because I will not be much help in that department."
His green eyes flickered to Lea.
"Hey, he came here to ask you. I've given enough Life Lessons in my day. Not that I couldn't give a sex ed course! But I won't. Do that."
"You couldn't," Isa deadpanned.
"I could! But—what did you look at me for, if you don't want my advice, huh?"
"I was just anticipating an inane comment. So thank you for that."
Vanitas snickered. Isa was a fantastic friend already.
Lea scowled dramatically. "Oh come on, you can't laugh too, mister doesn't-know-if-he-got-his-own-girlfriend-pregnant."
"It's not my fault nobody ever taught me about this stuff," Vanitas grumbled. "I lived with Xehanort for four years, and then in hell for the next twelve. Excuse me for not understanding what sex is."
Lea set down his soda, still avoiding Vanitas's eyes. "Are you trying to tell me you and Aqua aren't already, you know—"
Isa didn't even pretend to be subtle as he smacked Lea in the chest.
"Not everyone's relationships must involve physical intimacy, Lea. Surely you know that."
"Yeah, well… they've been roaming the Worlds on their own, it's not too much of a stretch that they'd be…"
Isa fixed a glare on his friend, who quieted. Vanitas was left even more confused than before.
"Look, I just want answers," he said in exasperation. "Aqua apparently can't teach me about this, and Xehanort sure as hell never did. I just want to know what this is all about so Aqua will stop feeling awkward about it. That's all."
Isa and Lea shared a look. Vanitas could practically see the battle in their eyes over who was going to answer his question. He thought Isa was winning, but then surprisingly he sighed and backed down.
"I suppose it would have done us well to have been taught by someone other than Xigbar…" he said under his breath.
"Xigbar? Braig-Xigbar?" Vanitas asked.
Aqua had told him that the old man was a Nort. Why had he been the one to talk about this to Isa and Lea?
"Yeah. Please don't remind me." Lea gagged. "Anyway, have fun with that. I'm going to Merlin's."
With that, he threw on his black trenchcoat and a pair of pants that had been draped over the couch, barely remembering to shove his boots over his feet before he was out the door. His soda was left forgotten on the table.
Saix sighed and took a long drink from it before looking at Vanitas carefully. His green eyes seemed to see straight through him.
"How old are you?" he finally asked.
"Twenty-eight."
Isa raised an eyebrow, and Vanitas sighed.
"I am. Technically. I was sixteen when I got killed and ended up in the Realm of Darkness though," he admitted.
"Hmmm. You appear about twenty, but even sixteen years is rather long to go without receiving any kind of sexual education."
"I look twenty?" He grinned. It was nice to finally be aging again.
Isa nodded and straightened his posture. He laced his fingers together on the table, as if bracing himself.
"Alright, Vanitas. I will be giving a purely biological and anatomical explanation, as I have no experience with the matter myself. I will also be assuming that you are looking for a heterosexual standpoint considering your relationship with Aqua, though you are welcome to correct me on that if necessary."
Vanitas rubbed his forehead, wishing he had a soda too. He was already pretty much lost, and as much as he just wanted to try and absorb Isa's lecture without looking stupid, he'd have to ask a few questions if he wanted to come away with anything useful.
"What does 'heterosexual' mean?"
Isa paused, looked down at his soda, and held in another sigh.
"This… may be more difficult than I realized."
"I'm sorry I'm an idiot, okay?" Vanitas snapped. His ego could take a few hits, but this was getting exhausting. "It's not like anyone tells me these things."
"No, trust me, I understand. More than you might know. But as for your question—heterosexual. It means you are sexually attracted to someone of the opposite gender. So unless I am incorrect about your gender identity, that would be girls for you."
"...What's a gender."
Isa seemed to be running out of different ways to sigh. This one seemed to be the most exhausted yet.
"Nevermind that. We can discuss that at a later date. I will refrain from making any more assumptions from now on."
"Okay. Whatever." Vanitas shrugged.
He could probably ask Aqua about gender if he had to. Hopefully. If not, he could wait until Isa was ready to deal with his ignorance again.
"Anyway. I want to be with Aqua. I love her." And she loved him, too. That was enough. She'd said so. "What does that have to do with sex?"
"For most people, those two concepts—romantic love and sexual attraction—are highly connected. However, this isn't the case for everyone."
"I am so lost." Vanitas dropped his head into his hands with a growl. Couldn't Isa give him a straight answer for once?
"Let me put it this way: sexual attraction is not the same thing as romantic love," Isa explained. "However, I'm told many people choose to pursue a romantic relationship based upon it."
A romantic relationship. Romantic love. That was probably what he and Aqua had, right? He liked kissing her. It was fun and made him feel like his insides were full of Inversed. He was pretty sure that was romantic.
"Why?" he asked sincerely.
He'd chosen to have a relationship with Aqua because she was the coolest and smartest and strongest person in the Worlds, and because she believed in him. He couldn't imagine anyone else he could be more comfortable around. That all sounded more concrete and real than some nebulous 'sexual attraction.'
Isa chuckled and shook his head. "That's the question, isn't it? I'm really not the one you should be asking about this."
"You're the only one I can ask," he grumbled. "What, do you not know what it is either?"
"I do in theory." Isa clasped his hands around the soda can. Vanitas wanted to steal it and chug the thing. Maybe the sugar would give him the energy to deal with this useless conversation.
"Fantastic," he muttered. "Can you at least tell me in theory?"
"This isn't exactly pleasant for me either, you know," Isa grumbled in return. "I should have let Lea handle this, though I doubt his explanation would have been much better… Anyway, sexual attraction is usually defined as being physically attracted to someone. It tends to manifest as both emotional and physical sensations. The simplest comparison I can make is to hunger, but instead of desire for food it's desire for sexual contact with a certain individual."
"That's… completely useless," Vanitas deadpanned. "I make monsters out of my emotions. Everything can be physical and emotional. And I definitely don't want to eat Aqua, gross." Kissing certainly wasn't the same thing as that, right?
"That's not—you're missing the point, Vanitas," Isa sighed heavily, downing another swig of the soda. "Simpler terms, Isa. You can do this."
Vanitas tapped his foot against the side of his chair while Isa composed himself.
"For the sake of this conversation, sexual attraction is wanting to have sex with someone. Which also for the sake of this conversation, we'll only cover the most basic definition, as well as the necessary safety measures should you choose to have intercourse. I will not be roped into anything beyond that."
"Fine, whatever. Just tell me already."
Isa did, over the course of the next several minutes, in much more detail than Vanitas was expecting. He listened, still a little confused at why anyone would want to do those things, but at least he finally knew what sex actually was.
"So… there is a time when people are supposed to not wear clothes? Besides bathing?"
Isa raised an eyebrow. "That's your question?"
"Well, Aqua told me people are supposed to wear clothes. And not touch any of the places you said ever. And stab someone if they try to touch me there." He crossed his arms. "That probably means she's doesn't want to have sex, right? So why was she so awkward about it?"
"Vanitas—" Isa took a short breath, as if trying to figure out how to word it. "I would not jump to that conclusion. She may not want to risk becoming pregnant, or she may come from a culture where people don't have sex until after marriage, or you two may not have been dating long enough, or she doesn't want to make you uncomfortable, or any number of other reasons. Many people desire sex at some point in their lives."
Vanitas's brow furrowed. "But you don't. And I don't see the big deal, so I probably won't. And Aqua doesn't."
"I'm not sure you should make that discernment so quickly? On her behalf, at least. Especially if you have not had a conversation about sexual intimacy."
"Uh. I'm not sure that's a good idea." Vanitas winced. "She, uh. Kind of freaked out when I brought it up. Why do you think I'm talking about this with you and not with her?"
"Ah. Hmm." Isa frowned. "You don't have to breach the subject just yet. Or any time in the near future. I just mean that you shouldn't make assumptions about how she feels until you know for certain."
He wanted to say he felt certain, but he'd just barely found out what sex was. Like Isa had said before… maybe Aqua just didn't want to make him uncomfortable. That would be like her.
But if that was the case, then—what if Aqua cared about sex, and he didn't? Would that disappoint her?
A conflicted Scrapper peeled itself from him before he could stop it, and he winced when Isa jumped slightly.
"Told you. Physical emotions." He grabbed the shivering Unversed by the arm and absorbed it back into himself, ignoring the cold chill that came with it. He wished he could take back the distress on his face so easily.
"That's… certainly something." Isa quickly composed himself. "If this is too difficult of a subject for you, we don't have to continue."
"No," he said quickly, inwardly thankful that Isa hadn't freaked out too much about the Unversed. The last thing he wanted was for his only non-Aqua friend to think he was attacking him. "I need… I need to figure this out."
Isa dipped his head. "Very well."
Vanitas rubbed the hem of his skirt between his fingers as he tried to compose his thoughts. "I love Aqua. No one can take that away from me."
He might have said that a little too defensively, because Isa replied, "Sex and love aren't the same thing, Vanitas. You can have one without the other. And even if Aqua's forms of attraction differ from yours, you can talk to her. If she doesn't respect your boundaries, you have every right to defend yourself. With force, if necessary."
"I—Aqua would never do that. She's my friend." Besides, she'd been the first person to tell him that he could stab anyone who touched him, even if he hadn't known any sexual context at the time.
"I am only preparing you for a worst case scenario. I doubt that she would, either. I am sure that you will both be fine as long as you communicate properly."
Communicating. Ugh. That was harder than he'd ever thought it would be. But at least it was something he could work on.
He released a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "Then… I guess I just don't get what the big deal is. I just want to be with Aqua. Forever. I don't care if we wear clothes or sleep together or not, as long as she doesn't leave me."
He bit his lip, slightly surprised that those words even came out. He'd never said anything like that to anyone but Aqua. Would Isa laugh at him? Mock him for the emotions he wasn't supposed to have?
"So you really do care for her." Isa smiled sadly. "I wish you the best, but you may want to evaluate your level of codependency. Speaking from experience."
"Don't worry. We're totally the right level of codependent." Whatever codependency was, he was sure they were perfect at it. And if not, he'd figure it out later, when he wasn't tired of sitting and having this conversation.
Isa closed his eyes, attempting to take another drink of his soda. Nothing appeared to come out.
"...Alright," he finally said.
"Cool. Great talk." Vanitas stood abruptly, nearly knocking his chair over in the process. He still had a lot more talking to do with Aqua. Assuming she was feeling well enough to discuss, well, all this.
"Thank you too, Vanitas," Isa said quietly. "I know I'm not the most helpful with this, but it was thoughtful that you asked. It's… nice to be needed."
"...No problem," he replied awkwardly, still not used to being thanked, himself. It wasn't such a bad feeling, though.
"Oh, and Vanitas—if you do realize that you don't experience sexual attraction, there is a word for that you may want to know," Isa added. "People like this… like myself, are called asexual. Or 'ace,' if one prefers the shorter form."
"Ace, huh?" Vanitas said under his breath. "That doesn't sound so bad."
He just hoped that Aqua felt the same way.
XXX
"That didn't take too long." Aqua put down the shirt she was folding when Vanitas shuffled into the laundry room. "Van? Was Saix able to, um, help you?"
"His name's Isa now," he said, walking over and crouching by the dryer. He began pulling out pieces of clothing and folding them one by one, placing them in the pile Aqua had already started. The warmth felt good in his hands; it pushed the worried Scrappers deeper down.
"Oh." Aqua blinked. "Is Isa still using the same pronouns?"
Vanitas stifled a groan. More big words he didn't know the meanings of… actually, he vaguely remembered that one from elementary school. Wasn't it a part of speech? Something boring like that. Though knowing him, he was remembering it wrong, anyway.
"What's a pronoun?" he asked, trying to keep the exhaustion out of his voice. Aqua was talking with him about things. He didn't want to make her stop by sounding uninterested.
Without another word, Aqua stood up—and then laid facedown on the floor.
"Uh. Oh." Vanitas sat down cross-legged and patted her head. That was probably a safe amount of contact under the circumstances. "It's okay. Isa says we don't have to talk about this if you're not ready. We can be done for today. Or for however long you need. It's not like I care about sex anyway."
He bit his lip. If they weren't having this conversation, he should shut up. He just kept looking for the right words to say that would make everything better. He could do it. He could be so good at communicating.
"No. We're talking,." she said. "We have to talk or I won't be able to sleep for another night."
"You weren't sleeping?"
"You would know that if you were sleeping in the same bed as me," sheAqua grumbled into the floor.
"You're the one who didn't want to sleep together?" Vanitas tried to shout, but he was too confused. "I didn't completely make that up did I?"
"Ugh. I was talking to myself." She rolled over onto her back, but her eyes stayed closed. "I am the problem. You're doing great. Good job."
"Thanks?"
She shot him finger guns. Okay, she was really losing it.
"So… we can talk about this?" he asked. "And it won't make you mad?"
Her face reddened. "Van, I was never mad—well, except that one time, but we weren't even friends then. Things are different now."
"I guess that was a long time ago." He chuckled awkwardly. "I might still not know a lot, but I was really stupid back then."
Aqua laughed too. "Maybe just a little."
"Hey, just because I said it doesn't mean you get to," he said, but grinned to show he was teasing.
If they could laugh about this, they could laugh about anything. The tension drained out of him.
"I think I'm always going to feel a little bit stupid, Aqua. No matter what light I've gained, I think I'm still missing something."
She reached out for his hand, and their fingers twined together desperately.
"Just because you don't understand about… about sex?" she asked. He could tell she was doing her best not to be awkward about it, but her face was still slightly red. "That has nothing to do with your light, Van. Nothing. And I haven't… done that either, if that's what you're worried about. I probably don't know that much more than you, honestly."
"Really?" Vanitas asked, already feeling more relieved. She nodded.
"Master Eraqus taught us that it's something special, so you're supposed to save that for someone that you really love. And also that it's about having babies—which made the second talk much more awkward and kind of infuriating." She rubbed her forehead with her free hand. "He's not homophobic, or anything. He's just really bad at explaining things."
Vanitas didn't know what "homophobic" meant, but he didn't really care about what Eraqus thought, so it didn't matter.
"So… if you love someone… would you want to have sex?" he asked, looking into her eyes. He needed to know her answer. "Do you want me to have sex with you?"
If Aqua's face had been red before, right now it might as well have been on fire. He cursed mentally. Why had he asked that? He knew that Aqua was freaking out, and he'd only made it worse, but he couldn't seem to shut up.
"I'm just asking a question!" He threw his arms in the air. "I don't care if we ever sleep together naked or not, but you have to tell me what you want or I won't know!"
"Van—oh light, Van."
Inexplicably, she burst out laughing.
"I—you—" Her laughter turned nearly to cackling. She let go of his hand, instead rolling over to drop her face in his lap.
"Aqua!" He pleaded. "I'm being serious!"
"Sorry, sorry," she said, trying to swallow her laughter. "I just—I love you so much, Van."
She finally got control of herself, turning so her face was looking up from his lap.
"I didn't know you felt that way, but I promise that if you don't want to have sex, I will never, ever expect you to. Or expect you to do anything else you're not comfortable with, either. I know I wasn't the best at talking about these things, but I'll try to do better."
Her grin turned to a sincere smile, one that flooded him with light. He could have made a giant Protector out of that smile.
"That's a relief." He smiled back. "But still—even if you don't expect it, do you want it? If not now, then eventually?" He bit his lip. "You deserve to be happy. That's more important than anything."
Aqua looked away, pursing her lips.
"I don't really know what I want." Her toes curled and uncurled anxiously. "I've been so overwhelmed thinking about what I'm allowed to want… or what I'm supposed to want. It felt like nothing was the right answer."
Vanitas's brow furrowed. "I don't think there's a right answer to what you want. You just want it."
"You're right. I just have a hard time remembering that." Her laugh sounded sad. "I was so anxious about making sure that things were perfect, and that no one thought… that I wasn't perfect." She blushed. "I'm so used to putting on a perfect face. You'd think I would've gotten over that, after everything I've been through with my darkness."
He brushed her bangs out of her face. It was already perfect, if you asked him—somehow soft and weathered at the same time. A face that had seen darkness and light and endured them both.
"If you're not perfect, nobody is."
She blushed a shade brighter.
"Flatterer." She reached up and flicked his nose. "You're right, though. Nobody's perfect. When I expected myself to find the perfect things to say, that wouldn't push you away… well, I guess I forgot that you were you, and we were us."
He smiled down at her. They were them. Nothing as stupid as a few awkward conversations would tear them apart.
"Um, about your question, though." She cleared her throat. He tried not to be distracted by how anxiously her feet were flexing. "I think I might want to… maybe? Definitely not right now. But, theoretically… I think it could be fun… with you."
Inversed fluttered in Vanitas's rib cage. Maybe he didn't care about sex one way or another, but she was finally telling him how she felt. She trusted him.
"There's other things we'd definitely have to talk about first," she continued. "Really personal things. But I think… if it's you… and it's us? It sounds more fun than intimidating."
She blushed furiously, and her hand covered her face.
"But again, only if you want to! It wouldn't be fun at all if you do not want to. It doesn't really matter that much if we ever… do things. It just matters that—" She paused to take a deep breath and seemed to reorient herself. "Sorry. I was freaking out at first because I know how scary it can feel, when you think you'll be forced into a life you don't want. I never want you to feel that way. Ever. So just… don't be afraid to tell me what you want, too. I promise, we'll be fine."
Vanitas had known Aqua long enough to know that despite her many virtues, she was a massive hypocrite. He'd already told her what he wanted. How could he be sure that she was being honest about what she wanted, too?
"You seem like you might want to have kids," he said, trying a different angle. "You'd be perfect with kids. Would you be disappointed if I couldn't give you kids?"
She blinked up at him. Then she exploded with laughter. She rolled out of his lap, her face flopping on the edge of his skirt. Her tears and snot smeared all over the dark fabric.
"Stop laughing at me!" He couldn't help laughing a little too, despite his indignation. "Come on. What stupid thing did I do this time?"
"I'm not—" she gasped for breath through her giggles, "—laughing at you. I'm laughing at me."
It took a few more moments for her to get ahold of herself. He tried to be patient and not scowl too much.
"We really do belong together, huh. We're the same. We both have so many things we don't know."
She sat up and kissed him on the cheek, getting snot on his face. He laughed as he rubbed it off.
"I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who's stupid, I guess."
"You're definitely not. I was feeling exactly what you are a few hours ago. And all last night. But now that I see it from your perspective I'm realizing I really did not need to be worried." She burst into giggles again.
"So… are you going to answer the question… or?"
"If you're not going to be able to give me kids, it's too late. I beat you to it. I can't give you kids." She grinned, as if she'd somehow won an argument he hadn't realized they'd been having.
"Oh." He nodded as if he understood. He did not understand. "Cool."
"I'm transgender," she blurted. "I know you don't know what that means. You don't have to. But that's why I can't have kids. Like, physically."
"Huh. Okay." He shrugged. "Well, if you end up wanting kids anyway, I'm sure we can steal one from somewhere."
He cracked a grin to show he was joking, and she laughed.
"I think I might want kids eventually, but that's not something to worry about for a long time." She leaned against his shoulder. "I guess I thought I'd have kids by now, since I'm technically almost thirty, but there's nothing wrong with having a late start again."
"Again?"
"That's right. I can finally tell you." She chuckled a little nervously and squeezed his hand. "I had kind of a late start, um, being a girl. Most girls—everyone around them just decides that they're going to be a girl when they're born. But I didn't figure out I was a girl until I was eleven. So. Late."
She gave a little shrug.
"Technically I didn't even exist until I was about eleven," he said.
He wasn't sure it was the same thing, but it was the best solidarity he could offer. He couldn't picture Aqua not being a girl. She was pretty much his definition of what a girl was.
She laughed at that. "I guess it's never too late for anything."
They lulled into a comfortable silence, enjoying only the sounds of each other's breaths and the rumbling dryer.
"So… we're all good?" Vanitas eventually asked, just to be sure.
All things considered, this had been a lot less difficult than he'd expected. He should have known everything would be alright—this was Aqua he was dealing with. She was her. And they were them.
"Yes, Van." She kissed the side of his head. "We're perfectly fine."
"Good." He kissed her back on the cheek just as the dryer buzzed. "Guess we should finish that laundry, huh?"
She laughed. "I guess so. Oh, and since we talked that through… maybe we could look for a place to live later? I mean, people will probably assume we're sleeping together anyway. I don't care what they think anymore."
"Good thing you don't, because Lea already thought that."
"Somehow that doesn't surprise me…" Aqua sighed and shook her head.
"Yeah, Lea's good at jumping to the wrong conclusions. Why's it such a big deal if people think we are, anyway? Is that bad?"
"Depends on who you ask." She frowned, but not for long. "Don't worry about it. It's none of their business either way."
Vanitas shrugged. That was probably just another on the list of things he wasn't going to understand.
But as he helped Aqua finish the laundry, he realized that didn't matter too much. There were plenty of things he wouldn't understand—like why she laughed when he folded her bra—but he understood the things that mattered. He knew Aqua loved him, and that he loved her, and that they could talk about anything together. That was good enough for him.