January 6th 2023

Elliot handed an older woman $30 for a bouquet of peonies before walking into the 1-6. He was feeling good about where he and Olivia had been lately. He was back from his UC, showing up for Olivia and actually having conversations with more laughter rather than resentment. He was feeling confident and honestly, he was feeling happy. He made his way to the elevator with the flowers and coffee in hand but that smile faded when he got off the elevator and was approached by Fin.

"She's not in today, man"

"Why? Is she ok?"

"Physically she is fine."

"What's that mean?"

"Just what I said, she's physically ok"

"Fin, please"

"She's at home, it's a tough day for her today it's the anniversary of the death of someone she cared about"

"Who?"

"That's not my place to tell, if you go see her and she tells you then go easy on her. I know your first instinct will be pissy pants, and I get it but think of her and how she feels ok, that's all I'm gonna say"

"Thanks, Fin"

Elliot made his way to Olivia's house raking his brain the entire time on who Fin could be referring to. It could be Cassidy, he knows they had a thing back in the day, but he ain't dead. He knows Cragen is alive and well, her mother's anniversary was in December so he was really at a loss.

"$26.20" The cab driver spoke which interrupted Elliot's thought process as he handed the man $30 as he got out and made his way to Olivia's building. He smiled at the doorman, Javier who he had met a few times while going to Olivia's. He made his way to the elevator and pressed the button to her floor. When he got off he softly knocked on her door. He heard shuffling and knew she was looking through the peephole and contemplating opening the door.

"Liv?"

"Hey El, I'm kinda sick so today might not be so great" She sniffled

"Liv, I know you're not but I just want to be here for you and listen" He could almost hear her thinking as she slowly unlocked the door and opened it. Her tear-stained face was enough to make Elliot pull her into a hug. She didn't know what to do so she awkwardly hugged him back. She would never admit how good it felt to be in his arms, but admitting that today just felt wrong in some way.

When they pulled away she locked the door and turned back to Elliot who was holding out the flowers and coffee for her, which she graciously accepted.

"So what brings you here?" She asked as she made her way back to the couch and wrapped herself in a blanket.

"Well I went to your office but Fin said you were taking a personal day"

"I am, did he tell you why?"

"Not really, he said it's the anniversary of someone you lost?"

"It is" She said as she picked up a tissue and wiped her nose.

"I'm sorry, Liv" He told her genuinely as he took a seat next to her.

"Thank you, did Fin tell you who it was that I lost?"

"No, Fin said that was for you to share if you wanted to."

Olivia nodded before she spoke, taking in a deep breath, "When I supported you through everything with Kathy, it was because I knew what it felt like to have someone you love taken from you. I know the feeling of defeat and hurt, confusion, and just gut-wrenching pain. After you left so much had happened, some good, and some terrible. But-" She started to cry as she reached for another tissue and pulled her knees to her chest

"But I found someone, someone who I really thought was the one. Someone I considered having children with, someone who I thought I was going to marry, someone who was a father figure to Noah, someone who loved me and who I loved and will always love. But I got scared, I got scared like I always do and I broke things off, Ed didn't fault me for it, he was understanding but I knew what he wanted and I couldn't give him all of that. He was willing to wait but I just broke it off without giving him that opportunity." She cried as she pulled out what looked like a picture and continued to cry as she stared at it.

"I'm so sorry, Liv. I'm sorry that you lost him. Ed sounds like he was a wonderful man" Elliot told her honestly which made her chuckle

"You are the last person who I thought would say that"

"What do you mean?"

"What else did Fin tell you?" She asked curiously

"He said not to get all pissy pants if you told me who it was, but Liv I'm drawing a blank here." She gave a soft smile knowing Fin would say something like that.

"So you know his name and Fin told you to not be a pissy pants, so try and think"

"Liv, I only know 2 Ed's, one was a kid from my softball team in grade school and the other was Tu-No..." Olivia looked at him with those eyes, the eyes that basically said 'DUH' but also said 'Please be gentle'

Before Olivia could verbally confirm she handed him the photo that she was looking at, Elliot took it and saw a photo of Liv being held by Ed Fucker, a charming nickname given to him by Elliot many years ago as they stood in front of what looked like the Arc De Triomphe in Paris, a place she has always wanted to go.

"So Ed is Ed Fucker?"

"El" She warned

"I'm sorry, I just-that's the last person I thought you'd end up with. I would've believed you ending up with Ed from my childhood softball team"

"I know, and trust me I did too, but he changed, El. He wasn't the same man you remember him as." She watched Elliot's face, she saw anger, confusion, and disappointment, it was the disappointment that bothered her most.

"I know you're upset and disappointed, but I'm not sor-"

"No Liv, I'm not disappointed in you, I'm disappointed in myself."

"Why?"

"It's not about me, tell me about your Ed" He asked her which made her smile

"After I had adopted Noah Ed came around more, he had no reason to other than to see how I was doing. It was so weird at first because it was Ed Tucker and I thought why would he care? But he was so drawn to Noah and Noah trusted him as a baby. Whenever he would cry, Ed would pick him up and he would just stop. I started to see him as a person rather than someone from that rat squad. On days that I was stuck at the office he would bring me food and check in. I t wasn't until I was stuck in a hostage situation that things changed. The first thing Ed did was check on Noah and made sure he was safe before coming to where I was being held, he tried to negotiate with them and it was just a long ordeal and I was terrified I would never see my son again. But when we got out of that house the perp had a gun to my head and Ed shot him. In front of everyone he just ran to me and held me, then took me out of there before I could break down in front of everyone. He just held me and let me cry then picked up Noah. He brought us home and it was just in that moment that I realized I had feelings for him."

Elliot was listening to her, happy that she had someone, angry that he wasn't here for her. She sniffled again and this time he took her hand in his as she continued

"He always showed up, he listened, he came over when I needed him there, he loved Noah, he loved me. He surprised me on Christmas morning and said we were going to Paris, he knew I've always dreamed of Paris and the three of us went for 2 weeks, it was perfect. But life happened, my mind got in the way he wanted to get married, maybe have more kids, retire.. I thought about marriage with him and kids, but retirement, it wasn't my time. He understood and was patient but I pushed him away. I started to avoid him and made excuses and-" She cried again and held the picture to her chest as Elliot pulled her close, "I fucked it up like always"

"Hey, you didn't fuck it up" Elliot tried

"I did, you don't need to try and make me feel better about that. But when we ended things and went our separate ways, I dated, and so did he, he got married and was happy, at least I hope he was. But when we were investigating a case he lied to me, well sort of, he didn't remember and I was so mad, I kept asking why he would lie to me, he has never lied to me like that before so why now. Then he and I met up and he took me somewhere-" Olivia's voice cracked and she got up and went to her room where she cried harder. Elliot didn't know what to do, he wanted to be there for her but she needed some space. He waited about 10 minutes before knocking on her door.

"Liv? Can I come in?" Elliot asked softly waiting for her to give the ok, but instead, she came out, eyes puffier than before.

"I'm sorry this is always hard for me"

"It's ok, I'm here for whatever you need. If you are done talking that's ok too, I won't push you"

"Ed took me to a cancer clinic. That's when I found out he had 6 months to a year left to live. He had brain cancer, so when he said he didn't remember he was telling the truth, he had no idea, but pieces of it came back."

"I'm so sorry, Liv my God. I had no idea he had even passed, let alone know that's how he died" He said as he pulled her close again

"He didn't" She whispered

"He didn't?

"He didn't die from the cancer. we met up and he said he was sorry for letting me go, and he's sorry we didn't have more time but that he will always love me and Noah. He said we will always have Paris, but I need to allow myself to be happy. 2 hours later I got a call that he ate his gun"

Elliot was stunned, this time he truly had no words.

"I know he wasn't your favorite person, at one point he wasn't mine either. But I learned who the real Ed was, I saw his growth, and I fell in love with him, I won't apologize for that-"

"No, Liv I would never want you to. We may not have been the best of friends, but he loved you and protected you and cared for you and Noah, if anything I owe the man a beer for doing something I couldn't"

"What's that?"

"Stepping up." The two sat in comfortable silence as Elliot kept one arm around Olivia absentmindedly running his fingers up and down her arm creating a calming sensation.

"Does Noah need to be picked up?"

"No, on this day I usually try to get him out of the house. I'd rather not have him see me like this"

"I get it, but you don't need to hold back with me"

"Just be here, that's all I need"

"I'm not going anywhere, I promise"