Chapter Eleven
A mixture of puzzlement and concern etched itself upon Alex's face while she continued to process the comment Lorna had shared with her just a couple of moments earlier. One arm remained secured around her back while the other was moved up to cradle around the crown of Lorna's head, in turn keeping it steadily held right in front of her own. "What did you mean when ya said Nicky's gonna end up hurt if ya can't be a better person, huh? You're not some evil entity, kid, I don't understand where you're getting all these ideas in your head from," Alex repeated her question once a couple of minutes passed and she remained without any sort of an answer.
Since Alex had entered the room Lorna, off and on, had spent that entire time mentally contemplating whether or not she should inform her of the run-in she had with Annalisa only an hour previous to Alex making her way inside the closet. And the more she weighed the pros and cons of telling her the more she wanted to do so. Someone—other than just she—needed to be aware of what was going on. Lorna didn't think she could handle Annalisa on her own and it was obvious Nicky wasn't an option for who she could share the information with.
Chewing slightly down on her bottom lip, Lorna let out a sigh. The best option she had was to open up about the incident with Alex. She didn't want to make Nicky think she was willingly choosing to stay away from her out of spite or anything of that sort. Plus, maybe Alex could assist her in finding a way to keep Nicky safe and out of harms' way without having to avoid her at all. Avoiding Nicky was the absolute last thing Lorna wanted to do. Things were finally starting to improve between she and Nicky, being forced into staying away from her would only hinder the improvement.
"Erm, look, I'll tell ya but-but I'm gonna need ya to keep this between us, okay?" Lorna's voice tremored a slight amount despite the sternness lurking in her brown eyes as they peered directly ahead into Alex's.
That wasn't the most comforting beginning of a conversation Alex had ever heard, however, she gave a skeptical nod anyway. Alex placed a hand soothingly overtop one of Lorna's and quickly gave it a tender squeeze as a form of encouragement depicting Lorna she was safe to continue. Within a matter of minutes, though, it was determined by the absence of any further explanation and the lack of her hand squeeze being returned that Lorna hadn't taken the hint. Alex drew in a breath and then slowly exhaled it. "I won't say a word, kid, I promise. Just tell me what's going on, yeah? Ya look paler than the white t-shirt on under your khaki one."
If Alex's comment hadn't been as true as it was, Lorna would have laughed at it. Yet, she didn't. Nope, all she could do was frown and fix her eyes away from the black-haired woman. Worry and panic struck her out of nowhere—she feared now if she went through with her plan of sharing the Annalisa incident with Alex that somehow Annalisa would find out and not only shiv Nicky but squeal to the guards about her self-harming ritual, landing her exactly where she didn't want to end up—the Florida cell-block.
Lorna opened her mouth—the words right at the tip of her tongue—but nothing would come out other than air escaping from her lungs. Trepidation stopped those words from spilling out through her now parted lips. The walls might have had ears and if it got back to Annalisa, somehow, that she had blurted to Alex what Annalisa was planning to do Annalisa might just carry out the previously mentioned plan.
But keeping quiet meant Nicky's being left in the dark and dealing with thoughts of abandonment. Lorna couldn't do that to her. She couldn't sit back and allow her sweet Nicky to suffer in such a way. Nicky had spent too much time suffering over her already, she shouldn't have to go through any more of it. Either way felt like a losing battle. Nicky at the receiving end of it no matter the choice Lorna settled on making. And the guilt Lorna would have over the ordeal would be to her own detriment as well—would continue leading her down the path of self-destruction. Neither of them would benefit from whatever decision she made.
Alex's concern escalated with the continuation of Lorna's lacking response. Whatever it was Lorna was having trouble opening up about had to have been rather awful from the look of apprehension displayed upon her vastly paling face. Out of habit, Alex sucked her lower lip inside her mouth underneath her top lip. She then took Lorna's hand that was still held in one of her own and placed it on her lap where her other hand was resting so Lorna's hand was now cradled within the both of her hands. "Hey, no matter what it is, you can tell me. It's okay. I'm not gonna say anything to anyone, kid. You're my friend, yeah? I wouldn't do that kinda backstabbing shit to you. I'm not like that and never have been, believe me," she softly yet, also, firmly assured the other.
Gulping uneasily, Lorna gazed in an almost dazedly fashion down on the thick material of her pants. Aside from Nicky and Red, Alex was one of the only people Lorna found trustworthy. One of the only other people she knew she could believe and take her word for. And, it hadn't been as though she didn't yearn to tell Alex—the fear just trumped all other emotions right then that Lorna couldn't get herself to say the damn words. Each time she opened her mouth to do so no speech would come out of it. Just air going in and out as her lungs inflated and deflated.
"I know ya ain't that kinda person, hon. You and Nicky are the only people in here who don't do that. Red, too, of course," Lorna admitted, nodding her head along with what she said. But then a large breath erupted right after. "It's, erm, it's just—what I gotta say…it's real big and I'm scared if I say it that it'll just make the situation even worse."
Tracing a thumb delicately around the flesh of the palm of Lorna's hand, Alex gave an urging nod to her. It wasn't only Lorna's quivering voice that demonstrated to Alex how incredibly terrified she was right now. Lorna's face also blatantly exposed all Alex needed to conclude Lorna was scared shitless over whatever it was she was so hesitant to discuss with her. "I understand, Lorna, I do. But if there's something bad going on, you need to tell someone. Are one of the other girls threatening you? Someone bullying you?" Just thinking through the possibilities intensified the protectiveness Alex exhibited towards the petite brunette sat right beside her.
Bullying? Being bullied in prison was never a dilemma Lorna imagined she would find herself in when she became an adult. It was a laughable thought but now that she was visibly living that thought, she couldn't bring herself to laugh about it. She never dreamed she'd be dealing with a bully once she had graduated high school. Hell, she also never dreamed she'd be in prison but both of those things were now her current reality.
Lorna swallowed a thick mountain of saliva, which appeared to claim the entirety of her mouth, then tilted her head slightly to the side. "I just don't wanna say nothin' because what, what if she somehow finds out? I don't want anything to happen to Nicky. I can't let Nicky get hurt, okay?"
"Okay, okay. Calm down," Alex began, caressing her fingers around the palm of Lorna's hand. "First, tell me who this she is yeah? Just whisper it in my ear if you're scared. But ya gotta tell me. I can't help ya unless I know who we're dealing with, right?"
A timid nod was given. She knew she couldn't take on Annalisa alone. If she wanted to protect Nicky, she needed to accept help no matter how terrifying it might have felt to risk sharing the information with anyone else. Nicky's safety was the most important thing to Lorna and she was going to do whatever she could to keep it protected. So, after many deep breaths to steady herself, Lorna turned her head and placed her mouth near Alex's ear using a hand to cup around it for security measures. "Annalisa," the name shakily whispered into Alex's ear.
Alex scrunched up her forehead trying to remember who exactly that was. All she knew were people by their last names other than those she was close with like Lorna and Nicky, etc. Annalisa did not ring any bells in her head that was for sure. "Hmm, Annalisa? I'm not sure who she is—what's her last name?"
"I don't know. I-I think it's Damiva," Lorna muttered quietly, mouth still hovering over the other's ear. Fear remained plaguing through her body the more she took the time to whisper the matter to Alex. She raised her shoulders up into a shrug and let out a big breath. "She, uh, she's kinda tall with blonde hair—real straight blonde hair. She works in the laundry room." Each detail she shared caused the fear to intensify immensely.
Slowly, the black-haired woman nodded her head. Now she was able to figure out who Lorna had been referring to. The ever growing apprehension in Lorna's voice innately had Alex releasing her hand so that she could encircle both of her arms fiercely around Lorna's petite frame instead. "Ah, yeah, now I know who you're talkin' about. She's that scrawny little meth addict who got pissed off during the volleyball tournament. That girl has some major anger issues, kid. What's going on between you and her, huh?" Eyes peered worriedly into Lorna's.
Annalisa Damiva was one of the most rageful inmates Alex had encountered throughout her stay in prison and the thought of Lorna's having some sort of beef with her didn't sit right at all. Didn't lessen any of the concern or worry she felt for Lorna in the slightest. She secured her arms on the brunette and exhaled a sharp bit of air. Annalisa was a snake. She had an unnervingly calm demeanor about her but on the inside she was boiling over with an intense wave of pure darkness. A wave of darkness that remarkably worried Alex what Annalisa could be capable of when it came to someone as naïve and vulnerable as Lorna.
"Erm, well, uh nothing was going on until-until today," Lorna all but sputtered out.
Hearing the blonde inmate suffered from anger issues left Lorna feeling infinitely unsettled. Caused her trepidation to exaggerate itself even further. She knew something was odd with Annalisa but didn't realize it might have been from a pressing rage hidden under the eerie calm she always appeared to come across as. However, now that she pondered deeper on the matter, it made complete sense that Annalisa would be harboring a darkness inside of her. No one was that calm for no reason.
"Yeah? What happened today?" Alex quirked an inquisitive eyebrow.
Lorna metaphorically swallowed the building nerves and tilted her head slightly to the other side. "I came in here to get some privacy but I guess she saw me because she ended up coming in, too, just a few minutes after me," her voice faded and she took in a long breath. She sensed her heartrate rising at the recollection of her earlier encounter with the blonde inmate. It rose even more when she allowed her mind to wander over whether there was even the smallest chance Annalisa would find out about this.
To try and calm her nerves a bit, she laid a hand over the cotton fabric of her pants and rubbed the palm of it rhythmically around the thick material. "Er, and uh you were right about me isolatin' myself in here so I could use the butta knife to cut my arms…" She had to pause for another moment or two, her heart was still racing a bit too fast for her liking. Once it calmed back into a slower pace she went ahead and continued with her explanation.
"The knife wasn't even here and Annalisa kinda, I guess, kinda seen me with the knife in here before so she said she had it with her and was taunting me about it. She gave it back but-but told me the only way she won't tell the COs how fucked up I am is if-if I stay away from Nicky. And-and she said if I don't do that, she'll use a shiv on Nicky and me and then tell the COs I-I was the one who did it. So now I-I'm in an even deeper hole and I don't know what the hell to do, Alex," Lorna's words began jumbling together at the end with the surfacing of numerous emotions happening at the same time. Tears had instantly formed in her eyes and fell without giving her a chance to stop them.
To see such a sight formed a sharp pang in Alex's chest. There wasn't one single time she could remember ever witnessing Lorna in the midst of an emotional breakdown like this. It easily enticed her to pull Lorna closer against her body for the securest embrace she could possibly provide her with. Something that was obviously needed by the girl regardless of whether she asked for it or admitted to such. She was too hysterical to know what was best for her, anyway, Alex had mentally concluded upon her recent observations.
"Well, first of all, it'd probably be a good idea to start by taking a couple of deep breaths. You're getting more and more worked up which isn't doin' ya any good," she carefully directed when it seemed Lorna was on the cusp of hyperventilating.
Alex placed a hand on Lorna's back and gently patted it against the area as a means to help Lorna regain the ability to breathe akin to the technique she just suggested. It only took a few pats—along with a few breaths on Lorna's part—before Alex sensed her relax again in her arms. Satisfied, she finally moved forward with what she had previously planned to respond with. "Annalisa can say that's what she's going to do but that doesn't mean she has the ability to actually go through with it. She seems like one a those girls who's all talk but then never does a damn thing, ya know?"
Lorna shook her head, after wiping at her tears, and gave a puzzled look up at the other. "But didn't you just say how she's got real bad anger issues? How can ya say she ain't gonna do nothin' if she's full a so much anger? I think she meant what she said, Alex. I think she'll really stick to her word if I don't do what she said and I'm real scared. I don't want anything to happen to Nicky but I don't want to not be able to talk to her either. What the fuck am I supposed to do?"
The longer she spoke the more her emotions rose to the surface which in turn had made it gradually more and more difficult to keep breathing in a steady manner. Trepidation did not cease but grew in intensity. She couldn't look at Alex any longer for fear that her mind would play a trick on her and transform Alex into the very blonde herself. Her rational side knew that was merely impossible but the faulty part of her brain outweighed said rationality. It caused her to believe anything was possible. Even the impossible such as one person magically morphing into another.
Hell, her mind was so screwed up recently she wouldn't be surprised if maybe she'd even just misheard Alex's comment. Anything was possible when it came to whatever mental illness she happened to be plagued with. However, it was too late to mention that since she had already expressed her concern. All she could do now was wait and hear what Alex came back with.
"That's not exactly what I said, kid," Alex carefully informed the younger woman. A concerned eyebrow arched above her just as concerned blue eye. She softly patted her hand against the back she still had it resting on.
An uncomfortable lump was visibly swallowed after Alex's revelation. A revelation which Lorna had previously predicted in her mind. In all honesty, she wasn't entirely surprised to realize her assumption had been correct—that she somehow interpreted whatever Alex truly said with what her brain wanted her to hear. Her unrelenting self-loathing brain which, more often than not, seemed to take pleasure in tripping her into believing things that either weren't actually said or hadn't actually happened.
The older woman didn't wait for a response to continue on. She tightened the grip she had on Lorna and peered attentively down into her eyes. "Annalisa does have some anger issues—I wouldn't put it past her that she would do some shit like that to Nicky or you. It's a good thing I ended up coming to the wrong closet, yeah? At least now someone knows about this who can actually help you. Clearly, you can't defend yourself alone from that Damiva bitch. And I can guess you're not gonna tell Nicky, huh? You always think ya have no right to bother her with anything but Nicky loves you, kid, and she wants to be there for you. It's not a matter of being worthy or deserving, it's a matter of being loved—"
Lorna shook her head profusely and held up a hand waving it a bit violently in the air. "It's not me she wants to hurt, it's Nicky. She said she'd take a shiv to Nicky's cheek, Alex. I'm not gonna risk her life. I've been so selfish and now I wanna be the one to keep her safe, okay? So just don't say a word, got it? Please? I mean…at least just not say anything about the Annalisa shit to Nicky. I don't want her to worry or nothin'," she muttered, turning her head slightly so that her chin momentarily rested overtop one of her shoulders. Her bottom lip innately sunk inwards under her top one in an effort to stop the sudden trembling she had felt her lips doing.
Alex felt a knot form in the pit of her stomach and her mouth became flooded with a stream of saliva which she uncomfortably made herself swallow down. Keeping things from her friends wasn't one of her strong suits. Especially when it came to a friend like Nicky who easily was able to tell when anyone happened to be lying to her. However, sitting there and staring Lorna intently over, she could—without an ounce of difficulty—take note of the desperation seeping from her eyes.
Air gradually whistled its way out of her windpipe. She brushed her fingers softly along the shoulder she had previously rested her hand on. "As long as she doesn't ask me anything, I won't tell her. But lying to Nicky isn't the greatest idea—she can see through lies."
Dinner time came and Lorna felt a lump settle into the gut end of her stomach. She could feel Annalisa's eyes searing into her with each step she took through the food line. As if her eyes were taunting her, watching her and making sure she hadn't so much as even thrown a measly glance in Nicky's direction. The whole sensation caused Lorna's stomach to twist and churn in discomfort. And in turn made the thought of eating rather unappealing.
Wrapped in her mind by the fears and worries looming through it, the touch of a hand on her back seemingly from behind had instantly caused a harsh jolt out of Lorna. Temporarily fearful the culprit of said touch to be Annalisa Lorna squeezed her eyes tightly shut and tensed her body hoping whoever it was grasping their hand on her would let go now. The hand did release much to Lorna's relief however the breath of the person behind her was felt on the back of her head telling her whoever the person was was still there.
She didn't look behind her until she was finished obtaining the dinner portioned out on her tray. Even then she hesitated looking back, taking the time to grab herself a plastic brown cup of coffee which was also placed onto the tray her hand was gripping unrelentingly tight on. By the time she was prepared to do so, it was too late. Said person decided to show themselves instead it seemed—Lorna lifted her head up from the tray she'd been busy setting her coffee onto and came face-to-face with a blatantly concerned Nicky. The unexpected, unprepared, vision caught her off guard and almost had her spilling her coffee from how shaky her hands suddenly became.
Concern and worry etched their way onto Nicky's face upon observing Lorna's movements throughout the food-line. Now as she stood in front of her, having gotten a thorough look over her entire body, that concern and worry only doubled in intensity. She placed a tender hand on Lorna's cheek, cradling it softly. "You okay? Look like ya seen a ghost or somethin', kid. What's up?"
She might as well have seen a ghost was the automatic response that popped into her mind immediately hearing Nicky's statement. Remembering the earlier conversation with Annalisa Lorna knew it wasn't wise for her to be conversing with Nicky like she happened to be right at this moment. If she continued it, the chances of Annalisa seeing and finding out were greater. And if that were to occur she knew Nicky's life would be put in danger which was something Lorna refused to let happen. Nicky was the most important person to her—her life was the most precious life to Lorna and she couldn't allow any harm to come to Nicky because of that.
Yet, the yearn to be in Nicky's presence was overwhelmingly intense. The pair hadn't spent much time together in the past few days. Lorna could barely stand to go another second without Nicky despite the fact that if she did spend that time with her she'd very well be risking both of their lives. Drawing in a breath, Lorna lifted her hands to each of her cheeks and slowly pressed them inwards. Her feet shuffled unnervingly against the tiled floor underneath them. She couldn't figure out what to do. Clearly, she wouldn't utter a word to Nicky about the Annalisa incident but she also hadn't been entirely sure whether it was wise for her to come up with a half-assed excuse of why she and Nicky couldn't be around each other when they both were now fully aware of each other's feelings towards one another.
"C'mon, kid, let's go sit down. You're probably just hungry because I haven't seen ya eat a full meal in a while now," Nicky suggested, swiftly interjecting Lorna from her wordless mind-fuckery. She didn't give Lorna a chance to argue it either, instantly taking a hold of her one free hands and leading her away to a vacant table.
Forcing her worries aside temporarily, Lorna numbly seated herself across from Nicky and then subsequently placed her tray atop the table's surface. She looped her fingers through the handle of the brown mug and lifted it up to her lips for a sip. This was a dangerous decision sitting with Nicky for supper time. But Nicky hadn't really given her a choice in the matter either Lorna realized while having another drink of the coffee.
Her brown eyes frantically darted through the surrounding area for Annalisa. Fear effortlessly melded its way upon Lorna's rather pale face the longer she deterred her stare.
"Why ya lookin' around here so scared for, kid?"