The arc turns out longer than I expected, thanks to my pace on the 4th chapter. I assume it will be around 4 chapters long… so I guess you all should bear with the gritty angsty story a little while longer. I did not even predicted nor expected this to happen. I guess having 5 papers to be done at the same time will make you want to write something stressful as a change….
Tendouji Airi is written 天道寺 愛莉 in kanji. 天 (Heaven) 道 (path/ways/teachings) 寺 (temple) 愛 (love) 莉 (jasmine). 天道 may mean celestial path. Yep, her surname Tendouji is a pretty grand name.
Disclaimer: I do not own Kantai Collection or any of its character. I do not own the song or poem I featured in this fic. For songs in Japanese, I do translate them my self.
Why do you end up hiding it?
Do you in truth want me to listen to you?
I won't do things like laughing at you or anything
so would you like to try talking about it?
Jin feat Hatsune Miku - Hello/How are you
One thought that came into Airi's head the moment she saw the heavy cruiser opening that door was that she had the most honest eyes Airi had ever seen in her life. It was by no means weakness. Just pure honesty and innocence.
It was broken, however.
It was to be understood though. In fact, that Airi felt a great sense of awe that she could see this much kind soul and bravery despite what had happened here. They were treated badly, even enslaved, but they held on and most of them even remained as kind and just as much as other ship girl in other naval base.
This girl before her though, had gone through exceptionally horrible experience. Yet, her eyes were so clear and honest.
This girl, just like her sister, was a strong soul.
Upon seeing her, Haguro apologized, bowing numerous times at her for being so impolite, for not coming for the interview, for not contacting, and other things she fumbled in her words within her bows.
"It's okay, I understand."
I may not be able to understand what you are going through, but I understand that you need it.
"Do you mind if I go into your room, Haguro? I would like to measure the space."
"O-Of course you may, Admiral. Please. I apologize that it's so filthy."
"No, no, it isn't. Perhaps there are things needed mending? Or things that you may want to improve for your room?"
"I-I don't know for now, Admiral, b-but perhaps you would like to see for yourself?"
"Yes, yes, that would be nice."
That went rather smoothly, although she sounded like a construction worker or fussy landowner.
First thing first.
Airi had never dealt with this kind of situation, nor if she understood what she should have done. However, the situation before her told her that her help was needed.
Perhaps all that she needed to do, was just to be human.
- Weapon (2) -
The Admiral looked around the room and Haguro could only watch her nervously. Choukai was still standing faithfully by the door, waiting. Her expression said, "I don't know" when Haguro met her eyes. This was uncomfortable.
This situation was foreign for both of them. They did not know what would happen next. Their experience with previous admiral taught them that any kind of encounter with an admiral would never mean good. Even if this Admiral seemed kind, Haguro could not shake off this uneasiness in her heart, nor the fear that something bad may happen. Because it always did, in the past. Her body remembered it.
The anxiety of waiting for the admiral to say or react was torturous in a way.
"Your desk, Haguro?"
That question came out of nowhere. The Admiral was by Haguro's desk, the tidy desk with stacked books. Haguro quickly came closer.
"Y-Yes, Admiral. Is there anything…?"
"I like this one too," She tapped a book with a soft Sakura patterned cover lying on the table. She glanced at the heavy cruiser and smiled. "You have a good taste."
"T-Thank you, Admiral."
A compliment was the least Haguro thought she would get when the Admiral entered. Her room was average, she thought, and quite empty and uninteresting. It was not something worthy of praise.
The Admiral's eyes fell on the open window, showing the gentle rain outside. She went to the window, looking out to the back garden.
She put her hands behind her, then took a deep breath.
There was silence for a while, just the soft sound of the spring rain in the background.
It was rather... calming.
"Are you the one who placed the buckets by the hall, Haguro?"
The question came rather suddenly.
"Y-Yes, Admiral." Haguro griped the fabric of her clothes by her chest. "T-That is the only thing I can do…"
Admiral Tendouji watched her for a while and that made Haguro's grip even tighter. Was she thinking of scrapping her? Discarding her like she should? After all, there was nothing that I could do other than this. It would better if…
"On the contrary, I think there are many things that you can do, Haguro."
Eh?
Admiral Tendouji gave a gentle smile, before moving her eyes to Choukai, who was still waiting by the doorway.
"You may dismiss now, Choukai. I will have Haguro to show me around."
Choukai stood straight and nodded. When she bowed, Admiral Tendouji added gently, "I apologize for taking up your gardening time. Thank you very much for your assistance, Choukai. It's unfortunate about the rain."
The expression that came to Choukai's face took Haguro off guard. It was a very friendly expression, one that would never come up to their previous admiral.
"It's my pleasure, Admiral. It was enlightening."
With that, Choukai gave a salute, nodded at Haguro, then closed the door.
Along with the click of the door, suddenly Haguro found the room turned a dozen fold colder. She returned her eyes to the Admiral, knowing exactly what was the reason of the falling temperature.
Those smart brown eyes now held a dozen meanings. It was clear that the reason she came into the room was not solely for inspection.
Human… could be such a cunning creature.
"I believe I haven't met you for interview," the Admiral eased a smile. Haguro, however, did not find that the least bit reassuring. Admirals were smart. They should be, considering they would be the ones devising the military plan for the fleet. The knowledge assured Haguro that whatever the Admiral would want to talk about with her, it would not solely be a talk about trivial matter. "Shall we do it here?"
Ah.
It began again, her erratic heartbeat.
Interview.
Perhaps she would be interrogated about the incident again.
She didn't want to remember. She didn't want to say it, to mention it, to talk about it, she did not want to have a deal about it at all. She wanted it to disappear.
The more she pushed it away though, the more it pressed back.
Haguro bit her bottom lip.
Her job. This would be her first job.
Answer.
She was a tool. A tool should not defy the master.
I'm okay.
"Don't worry it won't be long or anything too specific," The Admiral gave her a smile, but somehow Haguro felt like her voice drifted further and further away. Her heartbeat was too loud. Her breath started to quicken again. "I don't have any pen, but I guess I can just jot it down after. I mean, it isn't as if…."
I am okay.
"... won't be that technical… under the…"
Her breath came out as a shudder. She joined her hands together and she gripped her own hand so hard, her knuckles turned white. She pushed them together, trying to hide the obvious view that she was shaking.
"... in order to better…"
Why.
She was her admiral's weapon.
"Haguro."
"On the contrary, I think there are many things that you can do, Haguro."
She should not be… afraid of her.
"Haguro."
"You're made for this."
No…
She should not defy her master.
"I order you, Slut."
No. No no no no no no no
She should not defy her master.
No, that is not why I was created.
"MY order. Isn't that the reason you're created?"
Yes.
That is not true. That is not true. Not true. No. Not at all. No. No. No.
She should not defy her master.
"You're made for this."
I am not I am not I am not I am not I am not I am not I am not-
I should not defy-
A warm hand gently pressed on her shaking, joined ones.
Haguro gasped. Her eyes, that she did not even realized had been kept close all these times, shot open. Her body instinctively withdrew inside as she fearfully looked up, meeting with the Admiral's worried brown eyes.
Oh no.
She failed.
She failed to even listen to her admiral.
I could not even... face her.
"MY order."
She knew she should not cry but she could feel tears uncontrollably burst out of her eyes. Frustration burned her heart, corrupting and growing with every tears that roll down her eyes. The more they drip the deeper her humiliation grew… and the more they flowed. It was a devil's circle that eroded her heart. She could not control it.
She could not control herself.
She tried to speak but her throat constricted and her breath only came out as a shudder. Opening her mouth only caused her breathing to quicken.
Talk.
Apology. Apology.
Those brown eyes, were they judging her?
Apology.
Panic gripped her. She couldn't breathe. It's suffocating.
Apology.
She began to shake.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
Stop stop stop stop stop
Talk.
The shaking wouldn't stop.
The Admiral raised her other hand and instinctively Haguro shut her eyes.
At that second she could hear her mind screamed.
Failure.
"... I'm sorry."
Her breathing stopped. It wasn't her who said that.
Who.
Even if she opened her eyes, she couldn't look up.
A hand ever so gently rested on her cheek, brushing the tears that continued to stream down her face.
Why.
Her shaking worsened.
"I'm so sorry."
It was the Admiral.
She shouldn't have. She shouldn't say sorry. That is strange. That is wrong. That was not how things work. She shouldn't have. I made her said it. I made her said it. I did it. That is wrong. I should apologize. I should apologize. I should apologize. I should apologize. I should apologize.
She tried hard to look up, to look up to meet her eyes. She should. She should. She should.
I'm sorry.
She couldn't. She tried. She couldn't. Her eyes darted off frantically. The scream got even louder.
Failure. Failure. Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Failure Fai-
"Thank you."
Her mind went blank.
Why…?
Both of the Admiral's hands were on hers now. Warm. So warm. So kind. The pressure pushed her erratic mind back, subsiding the screams, the whispers, the shouts.
The Admiral's voice sounded clear.
She spoke slowly, her voice soft and calm.
"Thank you, Haguro. Thank you."
Another gentle press.
"You try your best for me. Thank you."
No… No, I'm useless.. Don't… thank me... The tears didn't stop, but it felt different. The tears felt different. She continued to cry but she could not understand why the furious painful burn in her heart resided. Everything didn't make any sense. Nothing made sense at all. I don't deserve a thank you. I couldn't even… look at you…
Yet, her Admiral thank her. Thank her. For trying. For trying.
She thanked her for trying.
Her breathing slowed. Her shaking subsided. Her vision got clearer.
She looked up.
Those brown eyes, they were not judging her. There was no disappointment in there, no accuse, no such thing.
All of her previous fear, all of them, were non-existent.
Instead, the moment she looked up those eyes showed a look of happiness and pride. Accomplishment. Satisfaction.
The admiral was satisfied in her.
Admiral Tendouji gave her a gentle smile.
"You did it," She said. "You look at me. You tried your best. You did it."
Ah…
"Thank you."
Ah…
Tears fell again and all the burning fire in her heart went out as if a fresh icy rain showered them. Instead, a bittersweet ache tinge her heart, clenching it so tightly.
"B-but I…" Her voice. Weak, almost a whisper, but it came out now. Also with every word she spoke, the Admiral's smile broadened and her eyes sparkled. For her. For her."... I-I can't even…"
I can't do anything.
The reassuring smile on the Admiral's face did not disappear. She gave a gentle press on Haguro's joined hands that had, without her knowing, slowly weakened their grip to each other. With the Admiral's touch, the voices, once again, subsided.
"But that is not your fault, Haguro."
Haguro's eyes widened.
The Admiral smiled then gently cupped the heavy cruiser's cheek again with one of her hand, brushing the tears that once again streamed out of her eyes.
"None of this is your fault."
But I..
The Admiral put her left hand under Haguro's joined hand which previously shook uncontrollably then gently pat them with her right hand.
"This is not your fault."
She gently put her right hand on Haguro's left chest, right on top of her out of control heartbeat. When their eyes met, she smiled.
"This, too, is not your fault."
Her tears dropped again and the Admiral brushed away gently with her right hand thumb.
"Nor this, Haguro. None of these are your fault."
The Admiral tugged her hand, to ask Haguro to look into her. She softly spelled it out for her.
"You're innocent."
Emotions were such a strange thing. It was an abstract concept, but manifested so strongly that they might influence your every senses.
As Haguro looked down, the floor, they blurred. They blurred since tears just continued to burst, along with this unnamed emotions that had been haunting her all these times.
Haguro could not name all these emotions that exploded in her heart. She could not understand the meaning of all her tears. She also could not explain why at that moment when Admiral Tendouji talked to her, the mysterious thing in her heart which had unknowingly weighted her down and dragged her to the ground somehow felt lighter.
The voices… they subsided.
What she looked at was the Admiral's hand on her joined ones, the hand that brushed away those voices. So kind. So warm. So gentle.
"You're innocent."
Her mind turned clearer, her fear subsided.
She could breathe again.
Thank you.
This growing feeling that felt so warm yet so painful, clenched her heart even tighter. Along with that, there was this familiar feeling that she remembered. She was born with it, something that she held more than anything. It just strengthened.
Loyalty.
That one feeling told her something inevitable though, something she knew would be best.
Haguro bit her bottom lips.
"I-I'm sorry, Admiral."
I cannot return your kindness.
She looked up to see Admiral's questioning eyes.
"May I have your permission to be scrapped?"
The hue in Admiral's brown eyes changed. It seemed many, many things flooded her mind right after that sentence. Haguro felt dejected.
In these few minutes, she had given nothing to her admiral but problems.
She really was useless this way.
After a while, the Admiral finally replied.
"Even if I still need you?"
Haguro was stupefied. She looked into the Admiral's eyes in disbelief. The clear calm look in her eyes made her even more at loss. She wondered if she just misheard it.
"B-But Admiral, the way I am now, for this naval base I am useless."
Admiral Tendouji raised her eyebrows. For once, her expression showed superiority.
"Are you?" She smiled. "I don't think so."
But I am…
Haguro looked down.
She could not even walk out of the dorm. She could do nothing but made problems. She could not even do the interview.
She could not fight. What would be of a weapon if that weapon could not even fight. She was nothing more than a scrap metal right now, or even worse than that. It would be better if THIS Haguro just gone. This Haguro was useless.
Regardless of whether or not it was her fault everything happened... she was useless the way she was now.
"Admiral, I can not fight."
It was hard not to let her voice break. Not when tears began to slip through her defenses again. Admiral Tendouji's grip on her hand slightly strengthened, a pressure she now recognized.
"I can not even walk out of this dorm, Admiral."
I want to.
"I can not face the staffs. I can't do my fitting. I can't even go to the cafeteria to have my breakfast."
I want to. I want to. I want to.
"Without my ability to fight, Admiral, what is the meaning of me existing?"
She was useless this way. A ship without her memories would have been better. It would be better if she just disappeared and replaced by another her.
She looked up to meet her Admiral's eyes.
"Admiral, what is there for me to live?"
The Admiral did not reply. She stared into her eyes for a long time, before eventually pulled the ship closer.
The hug was unexpected. Being hugged by an admiral this gently was something beyond what Haguro would ever thought to happen. It was so warm. So warm it's suffocating. Suffocating yet so inviting, so welcoming, so... so kind. So kind, Haguro felt she did not deserve it.
Not her. Not the useless ship.
"Even if I need you?"
The Admiral's scent was that of spring flowers. Sweet. Kind. Calming.
Haguro choked on her sob. It was hard, really hard to not succumb to the warmth. But she felt like she shouldn't. Not when she had nothing to give or even offer.
This kindness... She might never be able to pay it back. This kindness was so beautiful, it's scary. Was this even… allowed?
After a while, the Admiral let her go again, to look at her face.
"I am not lying when I said I need you, Haguro," she said firmly. "You are not useless, and I will say that to you however many times you need. You have showed me willpower I rarely ever see from any other ship or human. I need you, the current you, and not anyone else."
Haguro clenched her fists. The Admiral took a deep breath. Her eyes looked dim, as if what she was about to say was against her own will.
"However, I do not have the rights to tell you what to live for."
Her voice remained firm in her next statement, despite the apparent pain.
"If you want to be scrapped, if you really need it out of your own will, then inform Ashigara. Only if you get her agreement, and only if she inform me of it herself, will I consider of scrapping you."
XXX
Airi hastened her steps. Her breathing turned quicker. She had to get away fast. The spring rain was still falling in light drizzle and she stride over puddles without much care. The sun was setting already. The wind turned.
She shall not cry here.
Not in the place where everyone can see.
Not in her room as well, because she knew she would burst the moment she was in and Shouhou might still be there. She was supposed to come back to the room. She was supposed to come back before sunset.
But she could not leave Haguro. Not in that condition. It was painful. It took all will in her to stop herself from actually crying. When she saw Haguro frozen and started to shake and cry, she could feel clearly how her own heart broke into a dozen pieces. This girl, she was in pain. She was in so much pain and fear she could not control herself. Yet she tried. It was visible how she tried to fight back, to address her superior like she should. She could have just fell and run and make an excuse but she didn't. It was painful. It was painful that it was not even the girl's fault yet she was hitting herself because of something she could not control.
Airi knew if she cried along, Haguro would feel even more awful. Haguro would feel even more dejected. She shall not let that happen. She pushed everything away, pushed all emotions just to think clear, to be able to properly answer, to try understand the silent needs Haguro had.
However, now it all accumulated, so much that she knew she had to get somewhere hidden, somewhere far away where no one else would see her.
No one shall see their admiral breakdown.
The factory should be empty. All who should have sortied already sortie... and no one else was scheduled for fitting or modernization.
It was a big metal building with mountains of scrap metals by one side of the site. Cutting through the port, Airi half ran towards it. She partly thanked the rain the fact it was approaching dinner. No one was around.
Kicking screws and gears and discarded funnel part, Airi found herself at the backside of the building, facing barbed wire of the naval base compound, with mountains of scrap metals around her, and the cold, steel wall of the factory behind her. The rain was still falling in light drizzle. Her white uniform slightly damp… her shoes soiled, her hair draping into et curtain behind her..
Breathing slowly, Airi grit her teeth and rested her back to the cold steel wall. The ache resurfaced again.
A second later, she broke down.
They were painful, restrained chokes, with tears uncontrollably overflowed to her face then down to the ground.
Those tears were for everything, everything that happened in the base. It was for the tortured soul of Haguro, for the unsolved anger of Ashigara, for Choukai, for Kongou, for Haruna, for every single ship that had shed their tears and blood for this base. These two days had been horrid for Airi's own mental health. These ships remained loyal even with inadequate living condition, remained strong and vigilant, remained so dutiful yet they were given so little credits for what they did.
Haguro's shaken figure came to her mind again and again. She was in pain. She was ill. And it was not something instant bucket could cure.
Airi's anger towards the previous admiral was in the level that she could not even think of feeling towards anyone in her life, ever. How could anyone be so disgusting. How could anyone be so heartless, so inhuman, so...
She pushed her palm to her eyes, pressing it, gritting her teeth and trying to control her sob and cry. She shall not cry too much. It would show. It would show. It shall not show.
She hit her back to the wall. Once. Twice. Thrice. Forcing air out of her lungs, huffing to let go off all feelings. The pain brought back her defenses.
Another hit. She should clear her head now. And another hit. She should-
"You will hurt yourself, Admiral. Please stop hitting yourself."
A deep voice.
Airi's eyes shot open and she stepped back, turning on her heels so fast in shock. She thought no one would be there. No one was supposed to be there.
A mechanic stood by an opened doorway, scrap metals occupied both of his hands. His brown hair was in a mess, his face rather unshaved with oil tracks by his cheeks and forehead. He had square, strong jaw covered by stubble. His warm black eyes looked at her in worry. By his chest, Airi could see his stars stitched to the dark uniform.
Lieutenant.
Feeling like a failure, Airi found herself stepping back.
Silence spanned in three seconds felt like half an hour.
He was the one who broke it.
"Uhh..." He put down some of his things to the ground to free one of his hand then pointed to the left, to a small shed near them. "... If you would like to wash your face, the tap is over there, Admiral. You can use the towel there to wipe the dirt of your shoes as well. They will not know."
Airi blinked, her eyes moving from the shed to him again. He seemed to try not to look at her too much, busying himself by taking his metal scraps again. Airi couldn't find any words to say. She was ashamed he found out yet… yet it would be a lie if she could not see the message floating in the air between them.
As he took his metal scraps, he said, "A mechanic left an untouched cup of tea by his room on the first door to the right. He was out throwing away scrap metal and left it before even drinking it."
"... And a cat somehow drinks his tea?"
Hearing her voice for the first time, his eyes glanced a bit to Airi's face, sparkling. A small smile curved his lips.
"Yes, a cat somehow drinks his tea. The mechanic figured the cat must be cold in the rain."
He bowed.
"Good day, Admiral."
"Ah, wait."
He stopped his steps. Airi knew her face was still a mess but she didn't care less. He had seen her after all.
"Thank you," her voice came out weaker than she expected. "Lieutenant…..?"
"Kouseki Heishi, Admiral," He gracefully answered, giving a knowing smile. "And I don't understand why you say thank you. I only accidentally let a cat sip my tea."
-XXX-
The rain. It stopped.
Haguro cast a look at the blinking lights of the harbor in the distance and the numerous street lamps lining by the sidewalk. Sitting by the chair near the window, she had a cup of tea by her hand. It was warm many long minutes ago but now it was cold within her hand.
Perhaps that tea was the one thing that signified just how long she had been sitting there alone, without moving, staring at the distant harbor, ever since the Admiral went away.
"If you want to be scrapped, if you really need it out of your own will, then inform Ashigara."
Her grip on the cup strengthened again.
Oneesan…
Her kind, strong sister.
"Well, we shall not let Myoukou-neesan be disappointed," Ashigara ruffled Haguro's hair with a grin on her face. Her grin was wide and confident. "Both of us, we'll show them what Myoukou class can do!"
She used to be the force of positivity between them, so strong and dependable, full of spirit and aggressive. Ever since the incident, however, all that Haguro saw from that back was anger…
"None of this is your fault."
Was that the truth? But then, who actually had the position to say which was her fault and which was not?
The door clicked and swung open.
"Tadaima."
Haguro turned around.
Ashigara closed the door behind her. Her eyes fell to her sister, wary, steady, even if tired. Whatever she did, Haguro knew all that she caused her sister was worry.
"Inform Ashigara."
"Okaerinasai, Neesan. Otsukaresama."
Haguro found herself rising on her feet, placing her cup on the table. A smile came to her lips just like a template program.
"Would you like to have some tea?"
All that she caused her sister was always worry.
- To be continued -
Just a transitional chapter. It will get long again after this. Hopefully, not as dark as this one though...