Author's Note: Good day. Here comes the third chapter, finally one chapter before the ending of this Arc. This Arc has been most exhausting for me lol. Well, coupled with few real life instances, I guess it does bring up the depressing vibe into a whole new level of reality to me personally as I typed this lol
Kouseki Heishi is written 幸関 平詩. 幸 (luck, happiness) 関 (gate) 平(peace) 詩(poetry).
Disclaimer: I do not own Kantai Collection or any of its character. I do not own the song or poem I featured in this fic. For songs in Japanese, I do translate them my self.
The lighter that's running out of oil
The pit of my stomach felt like burning
If only it's true that everything is such a lie
it would have been better
iroha(sasaki) feat Kagamine Rin - Roshin Yuukai
"I-I'm sorry…."
Her voice was broken, trembling. Airi stopped her steps. When she looked back, what she found was Haguro crouching, hugging herself.
Her hands and body shook so hard. Tears just flowed uncontrollably as she watched the pavement—fearful, broken looks in her eyes. What was before her eyes perhaps was not even the pavement at all. Perhaps she did not even realized the existence of the pavement, compared to the solidity of her fear. Her knuckles turned white with all the force she exerted in the way she hugged herself.
Her voice shook, almost inaudible.
"I-I'm sorry, Admiral… F-Forgive me, I.."
"Haguro."
Airi crouching in front of the heavy cruiser, taking the trembling, rigid heavy cruiser into her arms. Those whispers of apology still came between Haguro's restrained, fast breathing. Her shaking turned even more violent when Airi rubbed her back gently.
I'm sorry.
"Haguro."
"I-I'm… sorry.. I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."
"Sssh, it's okay. It's okay, Haguro, you've done well."
Airi's brown eyes marked the opened front door of the heavy cruiser dormitory. They were just several meters away from it.
They only walked a few steps away before Haguro broken down. Just a few steps away from the door.
"You've done well."
- Meltdown -
"Good morning. Would you like some breakfast?"
It sounded like some kind of wicked cassette tape in their morning.
Waking up, finding Haguro on that chair, receiving that line. Every single time. It was Ashigara's every morning. She would go out in the afternoon, taking care of training, reports, and mission briefing. Scouting missions and patrol came one after another. With their small number, all available ships were used in rotation. When she was not scouting, Ashigara was patrolling. When she was not patrolling, she was scouting. When she didn't do both, she was out on an even longer and more exhausting mission of obliterating enemies alongside the battleships and carriers. She would come home too tired to even sit for dinner, even if she tried. The dinner hour would have already long passed but as always, somebody would have wrapped something up for her and give it to Haguro to give to her later. Haguro would always be awake whenever she came home no matter how late in the night or even in the morning. All with another reel of cassette recording.
"Okaerinasai, Oneesan. You must be tired. Would you like to have some meal or tea?"
All of these were wrong. Ashigara knew they were wrong. When she frustratingly told Takao of the whole matter in between the mission briefing, her best friend could only touch her arm and said gently, "One of you should break it."
How? Ashigara knew if she cross over that border she created by herself, she would explode. There was this burning feeling she knew would be the bane of her if she did not get hold of it. This feeling made her wanted to shake her sister, punch the wall, rip this unmoving plaster of time, and just leap back to the past where she could have just murdered the sh*t out of that admiral. She did not want to hurt Haguro in anyway, there was enough pain for Haguro at the moment. Yet she wonder if leaving everything this way was alright. She was losing her little sister, one part at a time, with every greeting and every broken smile. Knowing it happened, but able to do nothing but let everything slipped away felt so frustrating. And the more time went by, the stronger, the bigger this burn in her heart corroded her.
She was tired. Too tired to reach out.
Rain.
Ashigara opened her eyes, finding herself wrapped up inside her futon. The view of the pillows, the peeling plastered wall, and the wooden floor of the room greeted her.
Also rain.
The soft, gentle whisper of spring rain outside the room.
She had woken up late again. Her exhaustion always left her sleeping like a log every time she touched the futon. She had whacked the hell out of a Ne and a Wo class, while having to avoid rain of shells and torpedoes with the searchlight on her last night. Ooi and Suzuya were hit to critical damage though and the Admiral ordered them retreat. It was still awfully exhausting, mentally and physically. Ooi had been especially bitter when they got back, which made Ashigara felt like her energy was drained away even further.
That was good, in a way. Since Ashigara knew unless she exhausted herself into a senseless rag doll, she would not be able to sleep. Not when she knew perfectly the one lying down beside her might not even have a single blink of sleep.
After the incident, Haguro used to cry in her sleep, if those really could be counted as sleep. For the first few days, Ashigara would wrap her arms around her sister, telling her that it was alright, that everything was fine. She gradually stopped crying though and she started to push her sister away, saying she was fine. Especially when the mission resumed.
It was an obvious lie. Ashigara knew it was not that Haguro got better. It was because it got worse. However, the more Ashigara asked, the more Haguro withdrew herself.
Questions turned to dead ends. Everything turned into formalities and everything turned empty. Their conversations turned fewer and fewer.
Ashigara could now count by one hand the topic of their conversations.
There was nothing that could describe this fury and anger in Ashigara's heart whenever the realization of the truth came to her. It was that wretched abomination. That poor excuse of an admiral. That man who had brought them their suffering for being such a jerk, such an a**hole, such a... She wished she had killed him that day. She so wished she had. Even though she knew she should not. Her conditioning would rip her inside out and she would be scrapped and all that but at least she would have served him what he deserved.
Now she had nothing she could do. She could not battle this condition out. She could not shot this one down. It was not something that you waged war against and just be able to win with your fist. Ashigara hoped, many times, that she were as assertive and motherly as Myoukou. Myoukou would have known what to do in this kind of situation, would have been able to fulfill Haguro's needs, whatever it was. Nachi would also wisely be able to sort the problem out, being the kind of person she was. Ashigara, on the other hand, could not. The more she push, the more she destroyed her little sister. She did not understand what to do. Haguro's own kindness was the one that push them both away from each other.
Ashigara felt like sighing. She held it in, though, because she knew every sigh she made would burden Haguro more. Haguro had enough of those things.
She eventually sit, dreading the world that stopped spinning after that incident. Usually Haguro already woke up and sitting by the chair. Rubbing her eyes, she looked right to that direction as always.
Something was wrong. There was no greeting.
Haguro was sitting by her usual chair, indeed, but her hair, they were visibly damp. Her clothes also showed that perhaps she had been in the rain, at least temporarily.
Most of all, however, she was shaking. She looked as if she would crushed her fingers together and her eyes were unfocused, shaken, in fear. She breathed fast.
Something was wrong.
"Haguro?"
Haguro jolted in surprise, quickly turning around to look at her big sister. Right at that moment, Ashigara saw something shut down in her eyes.
Her shaking abruptly stopped.
"Ah, oneesan, Good morning."
A smile. That same smile every morning.
"How was your sleep? Would you like to have-"
"Is there anything wrong?"
Haguro stopped her movement at her question. Ashigara looked to her eyes deeply and she soon found the familiar move her sister would do: averting her eyes somewhere else. Feeling frustrated, Ashigara asked, again.
"Is there anything wrong, Haguro? What happened?"
There it happened again after her question: the unease, the uncertainty, the hesitation, the pain. Watching it all coming to her little sister, made that familiar, so wickedly familiar, burn in her heart resurfaced again. This is unfair. Ashigara clashed her teeth together, involuntarily gripping her sheet.
"Did anyone-"
"I am alright, Oneesan."
Haguro smiled. Instead of feeling reassured, Ashigara had this heavy desperation weighted her chest right at that moment. No, don't step in there. Don't run.
However, before she could say anything else, Haguro continued.
"I am alright. I was just daydreaming. Ah, would you like some breakfast?"
There was a moment of silent, a quiet battle. Involuntarily, a sigh escaped Ashigara's mouth. But she knew Haguro understood.
I understand. I won't ask anymore.
Their world remained unmoved.
"Yes. Thank you, Haguro."
XXX
Clashing her teeth together, Ashigara continued the sail while grabbing the aching wound by her ribs. She received a painful AP shell from a battleship earlier in previous battle, causing her a moderate damage. The rest of her fleet were quite okay, so the admiral asked them to continue a little more. It was not pretty. Darkness fell around them, they were halfway to finishing their mission. It would be good if they could just pass this area to the resources depot safely...
Within the darkness of the night, a loud boom came. Like an instantaneous switch, Ashigara could feel her whole body reacted.
"Hou 4! Both sides, full speed ahead!"
Ashigara turned 40 degree to the right quickly, which all of the other ships behind her followed almost instantaneously. Waterspouts rose from the spot they should have been if only they just stayed on their route. Ambush was never nice.
"Admiral?"
"They are after the resources as well. Engage enemy."
The admiral had spoken.
Inside her heart, she was quite annoyed the Admiral actually understood what she wanted.
"Engage enemy! All ship, full speed ahead!" As she said so, Ashigara flared her searchlight to the direction of the attack source.
Two battleships, two heavy cruisers, and two destroyers.
"Enemy on starboard! Fire!"
Sounds of guns locking resounded, but before they could retaliate, gunshots wreaked the night again. Kagerou dropped her stance and amped her rudder rotation.
"Ashigara-san!"
She cut the formation, right on the space between three shells and Ashigara.
Explosion shook the water surface. The battleships' shells hit with immense force, throwing her small body off the water surface several meters back. Ashigara could hear Shiranui releasing all of her torpedoes right after, muttering something inaudible.
There was no time to sail towards Kagerou, several wakes visibly approached from starboard.
Ashigara gritted her teeth and cut the line to portside, flashing her signal lights at the same time for her members-torpedoes came rushing right and left, barely missing. Water splashed by her sides and she stepped firmly to the water surface.
A wild grin curved her lips when the familiar click of loaded gun came from all her turrets. Her eyes glinted.
"FIRE!"
It was her guns now. Familiar recoils shook her body, accompanying pain hit the wounds by her ribs right away but instead it fueled her, burned her. The pain made her focused.
She hit. The flagship battleship was thrown off the formation, fire lit up in the distance. Another explosion resounded as it seemed her ammunition burned and exploded. Roars of destroyers came from afar, followed with thunderous barrage of fire. All concentrated on her.
That was good, they did not notice Suzuya and the others.
Skillfully dodging shells, Ashigara watched as torpedoes and shells rained down on the remaining Abyssals. Thrills rushed to her veins. They were winning.
Shigure suddenly shouted.
"Ashigara-san! Watch out!"
Too late. She was about to turn to starboard when a torpedo rushed to her right from that direction. There was just not enough time to align herself. The wakes burst right before her eyes.
Today was not a good day at all.
Three torpedoes exploded.
XXX
Ashigara opened her eyes. Pain hit her right away, making her grimace. Not only her ribs, her whole body ached so bad. Torpedo hit at night hurt more than shelling, her body knew that the most. She straightened her uncomfortable pose, as she dozed off with her head resting at the side of the healing bath tub she was in. It made her neck stiff and her sore body hurt even more. Alerted by the barrage of senses, she took a deep breath and looked around.
The bath place was empty. Kagerou had been discharged, it seemed, so that left her alone inside her miserable bath tub. Four healing bath tub were available by the side of the regular communal bath. Even if they could clean themselves at their respective dorm, a communal bath was still available alongside the "dock" or the healing bath tub. It used to be only two, but upon her transfer the first thing that Admiral Tendouji did was developing two more healing bath space. They did get patch up by medicine and other things before plunging into the bath, but still higher level and bigger ship girls took much longer time than lower level and smaller ones. The Admiral seemed really apologetic when she did not order the instant bucket for Ashigara and Kagerou when they arrived. The number of instant bucket was dwindling, she needed to order expedition and ask the central government for more supply. She saluted them for a job well done, however. If that was a job well done.
"You completely obliterated the enemy fleet," she said with a smile. "That means the resources are alright for now. We can try again next time. Good work."
Her positivity was annoying. Ashigara could not help but still be annoyed whenever she was so kind. It irrationally irritated her. She understood that the Admiral might be a good person. She understood that whatever she decided to do had been justifiable and logically acceptable decisions both in terms of naval warfare tactics and fleet morale. Heck, she even told Haguro that the Admiral was a good person-although that also partly to make her little sister less anxious, almost more than her own judgement over the new admiral.
Unfortunately, it seemed the Admiral was genuinely just a kind person. It frustrated her that she had no reason to hate the Admiral at all.
She wanted to hate her.
Ashigara splashed the warm water to her face. She should not feel that way towards her admiral, it was not right. That was not how a ship girl should ever feel about their superior.
She never told the others, but she figured they knew. She was broken. Her "devotion conditioning" was broken. It was broken the moment the incident happened, just like how Kongou's was broken the moment her little sisters sunk. Their devotion to their country faltered as their devotion to their admiral did. Perhaps one might argued that ships like Ooi and Yamashiro that clearly born quite antagonistic towards any admiral assigned to them were broken ships from the start, but their devotion to their country was as solid as any other ship. At the moment, Ashigara knew she almost did not care less about the nation.
All she cared about was her little sister. If she were to sink… what of Haguro? If she were to be scrapped, what of Haguro? Unlike her, despite the incident Haguro was not broken. Haguro clearly still had that same strong devotion to the country and her admiral. Her loyalty remained unaltered, the exact reason why her little sister was so tortured.
Haguro was way stronger than her.
Ashigara slowly brought the warm water she gathered on both of her palms and buried her face in there.
The chemical felt nice. She might be addicted to pain.
The moment she went out of the bath, the sun was already quite high. Marines mobilizing steel and bauxite in crates passed her. The base was lively. The dorm, not quite so. She had several hours before her briefing for the next mission started, so Ashigara thought she might catch some sleep at her room. The quiet of the dorm was perfect, and she could meet her sister too. Not that she knew what to say to her though. Knowing she was okay was everything. Still feeling quite sore, Ashigara grabbed the handle of the door leading to her room. She opened it.
"Tadai- eh?"
Almost right before the door was a crouching Haguro. The heavy cruiser turned back between her sob, looking at her big sister with terrified expression and tears all over her face. Her eyes turned broken the moment she saw Ashigara.
"Haguro!" Ashigara quickly moved to Haguro's side, wrapping her sister in her embrace. Haguro's body turned rigid by her hug and her breath hitched. She curled even tighter into a ball when Ashigara hugged her, and shook even more. With the presence of her sister, she hyperventilated.
Alerted, Ashigara eventually released her hug and tried to cup her sister's face with her hands, to raise her sister's chin, wrestling away rigid hands that tried to stop her. The brown eyes averted her gaze, almost frantically trying to run away from her eyes. Haguro shied away from her, even wrestled against her.
"Haguro. Haguro, it's me. It's me, what happened? What's wrong?"
Her little sister shook her head, still trying to not show her face and block her sister's hands but within her fast, rapid, and uncontrolled breathing, Ashigara knew she tried to say she was okay. Even now, when she visibly was not… and that happened the moment she stepped in.
Then it dawned on her.
Her little sister was crying, hyperventilating, under her touch. She began shaking harder after she came.
Her sister was terrified… Of her.
Ashigara stopped trying. She rested her hands at Haguro's shoulders and stayed there, watching as her sister stayed frozen by her firm move.
Restrained sob was the only sound in the room now. Haguro was still trembling, crying, in fear.
Ashigara slowly released her grip from Haguro's shoulder then kept her hands by her own thighs, watching her little sister sobbed.
Slowly, Haguro covered her face with both of her hands.
One, two, minute passed on. It became three minutes, then four.
Ashigara did not exactly know how long Haguro was crying or her staying there watching. All that she knew was this empty feelings, a painful stab that hurt her more than any AP shell could inflict on her. The sob hurt her, the cry, the pain, everything… every fact, every single fact in the room stabbed her. And also this molten, molten fury sitting at the pit of her stomach, churning her insides.
She hated that admiral. And now she hated herself. The fact that she could not help and instead made things worse, angered and pained her more than anything. She hated herself more than anything.
So she sat there, watching and waiting, swallowing back every bitterness and hatred she had for herself and for everything, observing her sister.
The breathing slowed down.
"I'm sorry…"
Haguro's voice came not more than a mere whisper. It was almost inaudible, a mere wisp of breath between uncontrollably heavy and fast breathing. Ashigara shook her head, giving a low voice of reassurement.
"Oneesan.. I-I am sorry…"
No… No, I am sorry.
But Ashigara knew if she said it, everything would just shut down again. Haguro may not need her apology, even if her heart now screamed with that. She should not ask her something, when Haguro had nothing to give.
"What for, Haguro?"
It took a huge amount of will to not make her voice faltered. She shall not cry. Not when Haguro would be even more tortured by her tears.
Her little sister finally, slowly, looked up to meet her eyes. Ache that felt like a dozen needle enveloped Ashigara right away at the sight of Haguro's tear filled eyes. Her hands were dying to brush those tears away but she could not bring herself to. Her little sister would just shut herself again with her proximity.
"For… Hurting you.. Just now…"
Ashigara clenched her fists by her thighs, swallowing her tears back. Haguro, even then, remained as kind as she always had.
"It is not your fault, Haguro."
Her will managed to keep her hands by her thighs, and her voice calm.
"It's never your fault."
Haguro's breathing caught up again. Then she cried, again. Ashigara had no idea what those tears meant, and her heart screamed even more. Her pain felt more prevalent. Her anger by her stomach, even more so.
Burning, churning.
But Haguro eventually place her hands on top of her sister's… And she slowly, very slowly, despite her quickening breathing, pulled through her anxiety.
"Oneesan, I… I asked the Admiral to scrap me."
What?
Something, somewhere, had shattered.
Haguro took a small breath and continued, "b-but I need… Your—"
"What did you say?"
Burn.
Haguro began to falter.
"I-I asked the Admiral—"
"Just what the fuck. did you just say?"
BURN.
Her movement was faster than her own train of thoughts, which had shut frozen right at that moment. She grabbed both of Haguro's shoulder with her shaking hands, drawing her close in a one, sharp tug.
"Do you realized what scrapping means?"
You will die.
"Do you realized what will happen?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!"
The one shaking was not Haguro now, it was her. Steel lodged in her syllables: sharp, strong, harsh.
"This isn't like you at all! What are you saying?!"
Haguro opened her mouth to talk, against her quickening breathing, but Ashigara could not notice that with all the burst of blood to her head.
"The Haguro that I know won't back down on anything! The Haguro that I know won't choose the easy way out of something! The Haguro that I know is not a coward! THIS ISN'T LIKE YOU!"
YOU WILL DIE.
Don't leave me.
"Tell me this is a joke! Tell me you're joking! FUCKING SNAP OUT OF THIS!"
Ashigara heaved heavy breaths. Burn suffocated her chest like nothing she had ever felt before and she looked down to the floor, gritting her teeth to fight against her own fury. But the screams in her head was louder—the scream that told her over and over, that this is wrong, this false, this is a lie, the world is a lie, everything is a lie.
A hand touched her trembling ones by Haguro's right shoulder.
"Unlike… Neesan… I am broken…"
Haguro's voice made Ashigara opened her eyes, staring at the old wooden floor.
Broken.
"I know… I am."
Her grips on Haguro's shoulder tightened.
"The Admiral said, she would only scrap me… if I have your permission."
The Admiral.
"Please do come to me, when you have any request."
My permission.
"I have always been useless after that time."
There was a smile on Haguro's lips.
"As a scrap metal... I finally… won't burden you in your life anymore."
The yellow eyes shot open.
"Would you like to have some breakfast?"
"You will be happier, Oneesan."
SLAP!
The speed was blinding.
Haguro was frozen wide eyed‒all her words and thoughts just a few moments before shattered with the sound of the backhand slap landed on her right cheek. Ashigara's left hand was still on Haguro's shoulder, but her right, visibly shaking violently, was up in the air after the hard, fast slap on her sister's face.
"Do you seriously think I will be happier?"
Her voice betrayed all her previous defenses. It trembled, teetering at the edge of breaking. Tears burst uncontrollably from the usually brave yellow eyes. Her words shook.
"Am I not your sister, Haguro?"
Silence greeted them—washing them both with pain, question, fury, frustration, and love. A lot of love.
Finally, in a speed almost akin to the slap, Ashigara turned around and bolted out of the door, slamming the door shut behind her, and left Haguro alone their room once more.
XXX
"You are unsure on what you do, Admiral?"
At the sound of his question, she raised her shoulders, bringing her cup of tea closer to her lips.
"Sometimes you just have to question yourself, Lieutenant."
He chuckled.
"Indeed."
The tea started to lose their warmth, together with the dropping temperature caused by the slow moving spring rain cloud. They were sitting together on broken funnels under the shade of the factory, facing the view of the metal fence and mountains of scrap metal that grew ever more familiar to her now. This place was, indeed, sheltered. Other mechanic rarely, if ever, came out of the door, since the Lieutenant was always the last one to sort out the scrap metal for deposit.
Trust could be so easy to get sometimes, dangerously so. They would not wait for each other, nor would they hold up something for each other. If they found each other however, a cup of tea with some talk felt so natural to do. It was something they silently agreed on, as strange as it may seem with their ranks.
They shared wisdom. He had more experience with the ship more than her in several aspects, that was for sure.
"Admiral, ships are ships."
She glanced at him, watching him sipping his tea.
"They are not built to make their own decision. It is you up to you, the admiral, to decide. Upon finding themselves in a position where they have to decide on their own, it is more foreign to them than it is to us. It will be harder to them than it is to us. I believe… you figure that out yourself."
She did not reply and he did not wait. The admiral was relatively easy to guess. Moving his cup in small circular movement to stir his tea, he continued.
"As I repair them, remodel them, fitting their rigs and everything, I realized that even if we created them, there are way too many things that we also do not understand about them. We don't know how far the conditioning works, or how human they are. We know far too little, to even speculate about their capability and perception."
"We wouldn't know how far we are allowed to step in."
"Indeed," A sad smile formed on his face. His eyes were kind when he addressed hers directly. "That is very true, Admiral."
Her humble smile was something he had grown accustomed to. It was always an encouragement, telling him that his opinion was valued.
"Admiral, perhaps giving them the chance to choose might be really, really cruel and is a challenge to their nature. But they are your fleet, Admiral, and this is your base."
The mechanic smiled, nodding his head when he saw her eyes changed.
"Please, shape us however you want us to be."
XXX
Ashigara spun the ballpoint in her hand, before tapping it furiously to the desk. Thuck thuck thuck thuck thuck thuck…
There were 6 people in the command room, sitting around a large table on one side of the room. Ooyodo continued to write on a whiteboard as instructed by the paper on the clipboard in her hand, ignoring the monotonous and obviously uneasy sound. Nagato was sitting with her eyes closed and her hands folded, seemingly unperturbed. Kagerou stole glances towards Ashigara but kept her hands under the table, thumbs moving uneasily. Shiranui did not show any expression. Choukai was clearly disturbed, biting her lower lips anxiously. Several times she seemed like she was about to say something, but then she held back, turning it into a sigh.
The silence, and the ballpoint tapping sound, continued for several more seconds, until suddenly Nagato's voice broke them.
"Ashigara."
The ballpoint tapping stopped, but the heavy cruiser's gestures clearly did not seem at all better. Ashigara merely glanced at Nagato, finding the battleship's eyes on her.
"Go out. Cool your head down."
A tense silence followed her words. Even Ooyodo stopped her writing, joining the others in eyeing how Ashigara threw a rather sharp look at Nagato. A while later, Ashigara slammed the ballpoint to the desk—making Kagerou flinched—then stood up. Without a word, she turned around, went out of the door, and half-slammed the door shut.
Another silence fell on the room. Everyone looked at each other, some rather anxiously. Nagato cast a glance at Choukai.
"Did anything happen?"
Choukai jolted at the sudden question. Her face turned pale.
"N-Not that I know of, Nagato-san, I am very sorry."
Nagato closed her eyes again. After a while she stood up.
"Then there can be only one possibility."
With that, Nagato followed Ashigara out of the room, leaving a confused silence in the command room.
XXX
"Ashigara."
Ashigara only slightly glanced back at Nagato's call. She was standing by the beach, facing the sea. She seemed to have kicked the sand around her, giving a sense that she was building some kind of moat somehow. After catching Nagato in her sight, she merely looked back to the sea. Nagato slowed down her steps, eventually standing beside the heavy cruiser. Ashigara paid her no mind.
They both did not say anything, letting the sound of the sea slowly sipping in. Seagulls cried far away, as if trying to tell the dark cloud of spring rain to go away. It would rain again soon. It had just stopped raining but it would soon begin to fall again.
"Why didn't you let me hit him?"
Nagato glanced beside her, noticing the trembling, bitter note in Ashigara's voice. The heavy cruiser was clashing her teeth together, containing all her resentment. Her hands visibly clenced into fists so hard they shook. She closed her eyes when her breathing got heavier and her voice cracked.
"Why didn't you just let me kill him?!"
Nagato did not reply. She merely watched when Ashigara slowly fell to a crouch, hugging her knees and burying her face in her arms. Her body shook with her sobs and there she started to cry. Nagato stood by her place, folding her hand and listening to her teammate's cry.
A wave came close to them, receding just by Ashigara's shoes. It filled the patch of sand that she kicked, before eventually disappeared into the sand.
The crying eventually toned down, softening into weak draw of breaths.
"You see what happened to Kongou," Nagato said without even looking at Ashigara. "That rob her off the time she could have used for Haruna, who needs her desperately. I shan't let the system take you away from Haguro like what happened with them."
Nagato paused, observing the tightening of Ashigara's grip on her own arms.
"I think it is much better for you to be there for Haguro in the time she needs you the most."
Her body shook even harder, in accordance with her sobs. She heaved loudly, as if trying to contain all emotions in but failing with every breath she exhaled. Fury, pain, desperation. All that filled her figure was only frustration.
"... Does she even need me, Nagato-san."
Nagato glanced beside her. After two heavy breaths, Ashigara raised her head.. She made no move of brushing the tears that flowed on her face as she looked at something that seemed even farther away than the horizon ending by the sea.
"I slapped her."
Her hand began to shake again.
"Unlike… Neesan… I am broken…"
"I slapped my sister when I was supposed to console her."
"I know… I am."
"Does my existence change anything for her?"
"I have always been useless after that time."
"Do I even have any use other than making things worse for her?"
There was no reply, and Ashigara did not need it anyway. With a bitter smile, she slowly buried her face again in her arm.
"Am I not your sister, Haguro?"
"... the one she needs isn't me…"
She could rip off her sleeve with her grip at that second.
"The one she needs... is not me."
She could kill someone at that second. And the perhaps the first one she would kill was not even their previous admiral.
- To be continued -