Mos Eisley Cantina
I stepped in a pile of steaming bantha shit on the way here. Too bad I can't stuff it down Jabba's throat but the smell is enough no one will sit with me. Not even Chewie. He's keeping lookout, anyway. He thinks Jabba's done with me. Fuck Jabba. Can this day get any worse?
Millennium Falcon
Real pair of weirdos are paying me good money to take them to Alderaan. Think I'll turn the old man in for sex trafficking when we get there. He's obviously grooming the kid. Chewie says he's a Jedi Knight but that story smells worse than the bantha shit stuck to the bottom of my shoe. I thought about using Greedo's corpse to clean it but the bartender was gonna call the Imps so I beat it. Chewie's out there losing dejarik to a fucking droid. What's this galaxy coming to?
Millennium Falcon
Can I sue for payment? It ain't my fault Alderaan's gone.
I only got a sec. We got tractored in by something big. Old weird man calls it a battle station. How the hell would he know? But Alderaan is gone. I don't make those kinds of mistakes.
I got the old man in one smuggling hatch and I put the kid in with Chewie. Keeping them separated. None of that weird stuff going on under my watch.
Oh- I hear 'em. Hope the stench of my boots don't give us away.
Death Star
Shit!
Death Star
Shit!
Death Star
I got only a sec. The kid's running down the hall looking for a Princess. Yeah, I told him. Ain't we all. The old man went off on his own; probably looking for the kind of perverted action he likes. Lightsaber, my ass. I'll give you a lightsaber.
The Imps are cutting through the wall. It's just me and Chewie in here. He's yelling at me to stop making this entry, but it's kinda my last will and testament. I want the galaxy to know Han Solo was killed by the whole fucking Empire. Take that, Jabba. You come up with a better death, I dare you.
I know, Chewie! Stop yelling!
Death Star
No sign of the old man. He took my money and the kid's dreams but I'll set him straight.
He found his Princess. She's real, too. A real Princess. I hate her. She's bossy and mean. Likes to put me in my place. Like now, telling me to finish getting out of this uniform and hurry up.
Good news, though: the garbage masher got the shit off the soles of my boots.
Millennium Falcon
Surprised to see me? I'm surprised to see me. What a rescue! That's what I call it. Princess High and Expensive don't, but who asked her. If it weren't for me, she'd still be on that battle station thing.
She says it's what took out Alderaan. The old man said that too, but I didn't want to listen to him. She wants to blow it up. I don't blame her, but I told her don't count on me. Why should I? I'm not getting paid and she can't even say thank you for the rescue.
Hells, it was great though. We had so many Ties after us and the kid and I picked 'em off, one by one.
The old man's gone. Took a lightsaber all right, maybe the way he wanted to go. That's what I told the kid, but apparently he likes the way the Princess comforts 'cause now he's all about her.
Millennium Falcon
Kid don't want to go back to Tatooine. I wouldn't take him, anyway. Jabba will skin me alive and hang my hide on a palace wall.
I'm taking him somewhere, but I'd have to torture the Princess again to find out where, and judging by how far the Empire got with her, I'm not gonna learn a thing. She loaded the coordinates and is fixing her smelly gown. Imperial trash smells ten times worse than bantha shit.
Maybe, though. Maybe. If I help those damn rebels out, help her out- again I remind you- maybe she'll see it that she can help a smuggler and talk to Jabba for me.
I still don't like her. But I'm getting the feeling she accomplishes anything she sets her mind to.
Yavin
Wouldn't you know, Princess dreams come true. The battle station called the Death Star- great name, eh?- blew up good. Makes me wonder who named her the Millennium Falcon. Sometimes I think of changing her name. Chewie says Corellian Comet is dumb. So is Stealth Shipper. I don't know, I kinda like that one.
Maybe I'll change my name to Luke Skywalker- that's the kid- and take over his damn moisture farm on Tatooine. Just long enough to strangle Jabba with his own tongue.
If I didn't have that debt...
We're in a jungle. Chewie likes it. Says in the morning he's going tree climbing. I told him we're outta here. Kid's mope face be damned.
If I didn't have that debt, I might wait a little while before taking off. Just a day or so. They are throwing one hell of a party. It's going on a few days by the looks of it.
Everyone's happy. I'd like to be happy. I'm not. Looks good on the kid. He's got a career now. Still has that lightsaber hooked to his belt and I shake my head at that but as long as it's legal who am I to judge.
The Princess looks happy. Right now I don't think I could say anything that'd piss her off and change that mood. I'll let her enjoy this. She deserved it.
I know- I'll tell her I've decided to stick around and get to know her, so someday I can sell our story and get rich.
Hang on. Let me see what Chewie thinks of the title of my tell-all: Corellian Gold and Alderaani Sorrow.
For 'secret diary', of course