Disclaimer: Everything belongs to The Marvel Universe except for my characters Sophie and Jeremy and any other SOs that become introduced – they are my own creations and are not meant to resemble anyone else's OCs in any way.
A/N: *Sigh* I guess that last chapter was a fluke. Sad to see so many readers drop silent again. Anyway, I apologize for the delay. Between daycare being closed, family visits and the holidays, I had a lot on my plate. And to be totally honest, I lost some of my motivation to write. I had to really push myself with this chapter, which is kind of sad because it was one that I've had in mind since conception of the story and was really looking forward to doing. Anyway, I hope it doesn't suck too bad.
Also, I just wanted to note that I originally was planning on having Bucky's therapist be a female but changed my mind. So I went back and made some edits to the pronouns in previous chapters. I likely missed something somewhere so just be aware of that.
Chapter 8: Someone You Used To Know
~ Present Day ~
Breathe in…and out…in…and out…
Sophie continued to stand outside of Bucky's apartment, silently coaching herself, willing her nerves to calm down. Unable to delay any longer, she knocked quietly, waiting only a moment before the door swung open. He stood there, dressed in black sweatpants low on his hips and a simple, gray cotton tee.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"Come on in. You alright?"
"Um…kind of. Maybe. I don't know…No, not really."
Bucky trailed after her as she cautiously walked further into the apartment. She paused, right on the edge of his living room/kitchen combo. Striding past her, he moved into the kitchen and began fishing around in the fridge.
"Can I get you something to drink? You look like you need it."
"No…I don't think that would be a good idea. Even though, who knows. Maybe it would help."
He straightened up, looking utterly confused.
"Sooo….?"
"Nothing, for now."
"Ok…Sophie, what's going on? It's getting pretty late and don't you have your big interview tomorrow?"
"Yeah," she breathed out. "Finally trying out for an Eye position."
"What time is the interview?"
"I have to be there at 7am. I think it's going to be an all day affair. There's the interview and a big written test on various strategies, weapons knowledge, etc in the morning. Then they're doing mock simulations in the afternoon."
Bucky pursed his lips slightly as his head nodded slowly.
"So, why in the world are you here then? Shouldn't you be asleep?"
Sophie fidgeted with the tie on her coat, shifting anxiously from one heeled foot to the other. The motion drew his attention to her clothes and she watched as his eyes swept over her.
"What are you wearing? Were you out on a date?"
"Um, no. And you're right…I should be asleep. But I can't," she finally wailed. "I can't sleep! I'm so stressed and nervous and you know how hard it can be for me to fall asleep on a good day! My brain won't turn off. And I've tried everything! And I mean everything. I've tried exercise and relaxing my mind. I've tried reading. I tried a bath and tv —"
"They say not to do that."
She silenced him with a glare, then began pacing a small path as she nervously chewed her bottom lip.
"Have you tried medication?" Bucky deadpanned.
"I can't! I've done sleep meds in the past and they really mess me up! I have all sorts of weird side effects. It's like my brain is trying to fight the meds. And then I'm super frazzled and panicky and totally out of it!"
"More than you are now?"
"James!"
"Sorry, sorry. So what can I do to help then?"
Sophie immediately stopped her pacing. She turned to face him, feeling her cheeks flush at his seemingly innocuous question. Cinnamon eyes took in his casual appearance as he leisurely leaned against one of his barstools, half perched with one foot on the rung, half standing with one foot on the ground. His arms were crossed over his chest, making his biceps bulge.
"Well…um…" she swallowed hard, resuming the fiddling with her belt. "I…I have a pretty good idea of what would help me relax enough to sleep. And I've tried to…do it myself…but it's not working."
Brows furrowing, Bucky watched her intently, eyes urging her to go on.
"Look, you're my best friend. And we can usually tell each other anything, right?"
"Right…"
"So I'm just going to come out and say it."
"Ok…"
"Jeremy and I have been broken up for like six months now. And I haven't had sex since."
She watched his eyebrows shoot up in surprise.
"And usually I can just take care of it myself…except I can't. Not tonight."
Sophie was staring at Bucky wide-eyed as the panic crept into her voice.
Oh my God. You're doing this. You're actually doing this.
"I keep…getting so close…and then I just can't. And that's never a problem for me. I can…you know…always. And I've tried toys and without toys…"
Bucky's arms dropped down as his lips parted, shock clearly written all over his face. She took in a trembling breath.
"I thought about maybe going down to Murray's and picking up a one night stand —"
Swiftly pushing off the stool, he stood upright and rigid. Sophie could see his fists ball up as his face twisted in displeasure. So she continued on quickly, trying to get everything out.
"—but you know me. I'd never feel comfortable doing that."
Shaking fingers began to fumble with the belt, slowly loosening the knot. Bucky's eyes darted to her hands before moving back up to her face. She was blushing furiously and officially avoiding making eye contact.
"Sophie…" he began slowly. "Where are you headed with this?"
"Well I've been giving it a lot of thought…"
The belt finally came undone.
"And I didn't come to this decision lightly…"
The top button was popped open.
"But, Bucky, I really can't think of another way…"
Pop. Another button.
His eyes were glued on her. His jaw ticked as he clenched his teeth tight.
"And I need to sleep…"
Pop. Another button.
His chest began to heave as an odd mixture of emotions swirled inside of him.
"I want to sleep so bad…"
Pop. Another button.
He swallowed hard, taking in the sight of milky skin and black lace as it was slowly exposed to him.
"I'm desperate, Bucky."
Pop. The last button slipped from it's hole.
She stood before him, clad in nothing but her lingerie and the coat hanging loosely open now. He felt himself immediately begin to thicken and lengthen. Bucky tore his gaze away from the sight before his traitorous body could react any further. His transfixed eyes met her wild ones, cautiously avoiding glancing at the rise and fall of her chest. They stared at each other for several quiet beats before Sophie finally broke the silence.
"I need you to fuck me."
…
~ 6 Months Ago ~
Sophie stretched languidly in the bed she and Jeremy shared. He rolled over and laid a kiss on her bare shoulder. Smiling lightly, she brushed the hair out of her face and cracked an eye.
"Morning beautiful."
"Morning," she smiled up at him.
"You don't have any plans today, do you?"
"No, why?"
He began to kiss up her arm and across her back, moving to her neck. Sophie moaned as he hit her favorite spot.
"Good. Because I have breakfast with Freddie and then I'm planning on coming home for round two…or is it round three?"
Sophie laughed as she rolled over onto her back.
"Care to finish the job now?"
He smiled down at her smugly.
"I wish I could. But I haven't seen him in forever and he's been hounding me for a meet up for nearly a month now. There's something he really needs to talk about but wants to do it face to face."
"That's weird. I wonder what it is."
Jeremy shrugged, "Guess I'm about to find out."
"Are you sure your old frat brother isn't just looking to relive your good old days?" She laughed.
"Maybe, but breakfast sure isn't the way to do it," he smiled mischievously. "Alright, I'm hopping in the shower and then I've gotta run."
He gave her another kiss on the lips before slipping out of bed and into the bathroom. Sophie pulled on an oversized t-shirt and some sweatpants, then walked over to the kitchen to start the coffee pot. She sat on the barstool as she waited and gazed around their apartment. It had been two weeks since she'd moved in with him and it still felt weird and slightly foreign to think of this place as 'theirs.' Her landlord was a Scrooge and had refused to let her break her lease early without paying out the remaining rent. After carefully combing through her leasing agreement, Jeremy was dismayed to find that it was pretty ironclad. Sophie had to either live out the last three months or just pay for them upfront to break it early. Either way, she was stuck with the rent. In an uncharacteristic fit of displeasure, Sophie decided to keep the place until the lease expired but move out anyway. There was no sense in paying the money upfront just for the miserly landlord to rent it out to someone else and double dip. So now, her old place stood empty and unoccupied.
Not exactly empty.
Her eyes darted around all of Jeremy's furniture. He had a very specific design in mind for the apartment and unfortunately, most of Sophie's belongings didn't really fit in. So the majority of her things, aside from clothes and personal items, had never made it over. At times it made her feel like she was just living in his place, rather than their place. But she chalked it up to something new and different that she just had to get used to. Aside from the occasional sleepovers that she used to have with Bucky, she'd never actually lived with a man before.
You'll get used to it. Just give it some time.
…
Sophie lounged on the large, leather couch and attempted to get comfortable as she watched a morning cooking show. She personally preferred something she could snuggle into, as opposed to the cold of the leather and so she chose to wrap herself in two throw blankets to make up for it. As she eagerly awaited Jeremy's return, she briefly wondered if she should change into something more sexy to surprise him with. But the thought was quickly dismissed as she was much too comfortable in her blanket and sweatpants burrito.
When the door opened, Sophie sat up as best she could and peered over the edge of the couch. Instead of a happy and relaxed boyfriend, however, Jeremy stormed in like thunder. His face was contorted with barely restrained spite and he came around the couch to face her. Hands on his hips, he let out a deep huff. She scrambled up, disentangling herself from her warm cocoon.
"What's the matter? What happened?"
"Sophie…" he paused to run a hand over his face.
She could see his jaw clench as he took a moment to check himself. Heart thudding painfully in her chest, she stared at him wide eyed.
"Yeah…?"
"I need you to be completely honest with me about something."
"I'm always honest with you."
"Don't," he cut her off sharply.
She stood still, barely breathing.
What the fuck did I do?
"When I met up with Freddie…he told me something."
"Ok."
"Sophie, he said that about a month ago he was out for a morning run and he saw you leaving an apartment."
"Ok…? I don't get it. He saw me leaving my apartment in the morning. What's the big deal?"
"He said it looked like a walk of shame."
Sophie's mouth went dry, her heart beating even harder, if that was possible.
"You two have talked before at group hangouts. You've told him what area of town you live in. He said it was near here, not on your side."
The blood was pounding in her ears loudly now and she felt a cold dread sweep down her spine. She swallowed hard.
"You were leaving Bucky's place, weren't you."
It was a question but said more like a quiet statement. Jeremy already knew the answer, he was just looking for confirmation. The realization that that must have been the morning after Bucky had his flashback dawned on Sophie.
"Yes."
He nodded his head slowly, eyes casting down towards the rug.
"It's not what you think Jeremy —"
"It doesn't matter what I think Sophie!" He exploded at last. "What matters is that you promised there would be no more sleepovers! And you lied!"
"I didn't lie! It was an accident!"
"Oh sure."
"Jeremy, I swear! He called me in the middle of the night completely out of it. He'd had a PTSD flashback. I went over there to help calm him, to reorient him, to make sure he was ok and safe. I was going to go home but it was so damn late I accidentally fell asleep!"
"There's always some good excuse."
His voice had grown quiet again but his eyes were cold and hateful.
"I can't do it any more Sophie."
"What are you saying?"
She cursed at how small she sounded.
"Look…"
Jeremy ran his hands through his hair as he briefly turned away from her. Then he spun back around, hands on his hips again.
"I know I told you I wasn't going to ask this of you. But I have to. There's just no other choice any more. You have to pick Sophie. You have to pick between us."
For a moment Sophie thought she'd stopped breathing. She forced her lungs to move, pushing the much needed air in and out of her body. But she still felt lightheaded.
"Jeremy…"
"I can't keep living like this. Constantly wondering about what's going on with you two and whether or not you're hiding something from me. It's not fair to me. It's not fair to our relationship. There just isn't enough space for both of us, Sophie. I'm sorry. You need to pick: him or me."
"I —" she choked on the words, her insides twisting horribly.
"I've got some work to catch up on. I'm going to go to the office for a few hours. I'll be back around lunchtime. When I get back, hopefully we can go out to eat together. But if not, I'd really like for you to just be gone."
She stood there, gaping at him like a fish out of water. But he said no more. Jeremy turned on his heel and left the apartment. When the door shut behind him, the noise snapped Sophie out of whatever stupor she'd been in. She gasped for air as her lungs began to work double time. The truth was, since that night at Bucky's, he'd been distancing himself from her. Despite the fact that they'd never revisited the awful conversation he'd started the following morning, she could tell he was holding her at arm's length. His calls and texts were less frequent and seemed carefully curated. Their discussions no longer touched the darker and uglier sides of him. Although they continued their Saturday morning runs, they'd been filled more with silence than anything else. What had once been comfortable quiet between them felt strained now. And most of their meet ups were during group hangouts, especially since she'd moved in with Jeremy.
After she'd told Bucky that they were going to live together, he'd grown silent for several long minutes. She thought another lecture was coming. But instead, he'd turned to her with solemn eyes and simply said one word: good. They had discussed it no more. She thought he just needed some time and he'd shake it off. But now, she had to consider what it all meant. He didn't want to be close to her any more, he was slowly and quietly pushing her out of his life. And Jeremy didn't want him in her life either. Was this a sign? Her heart broke at the thought and she fell to her knees sobbing.
She remained on the floor for some time before finally dragging herself off to the shower. Standing under the hot spray, she took several deep breaths and attempted to calm herself. Even if she ended things with Jeremy, which she didn't want to do, that wouldn't improve the suddenly tenuous relationship she had with Bucky. If she cut ties with Bucky, she could see out the full potential of her relationship with Jeremy, without that cloud hanging over them. Sophie sighed and pressed her forehead against the cold tile. Bucky had been making it clear to her that he needed a change in their relationship, and she suddenly wondered if it had been a blessing in disguise all along.
…
She sat stiffly on the arm of the couch, clothed in a simple light blue summer dress. It was nearly noon and she watched the clock anxiously. When the door slowly opened, she stood up to face Jeremy. He stopped in the doorway, gazing at her warily.
"I've…I've deleted him from my phone," she said, heart racing in her chest. "But I'll probably have to see him at some point to talk."
Jeremy let out an audible exhale, then nodded slowly.
"Come on," he said as he stretched his hand out to her. "Let's go get something to eat."
…
The next week was pure torture. Despite deleting his contact info, Sophie couldn't bring herself to get rid of their text chain that spanned the entirety of their three years of friendship. He'd sent several texts that all went unanswered. She knew his number by heart and it felt like a knife to her chest every time she sent him to voicemail. She was aware that she couldn't keep this up and would have talk to him sooner rather than later, but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. For the time being, ghosting felt like the easier path. As Sophie slowly walked to Brick and Stone, she began to dissect this line of reasoning. Deep down, she could admit to herself that she was just putting it off, delaying the inevitable. She knew that once she'd had that conversation with Bucky, it would all be over. It would really be the end of their friendship. The mere thought of that brought tears to her eyes.
She rubbed them away furiously and stifled a yawn. The stress of the situation was getting to her and she hadn't slept well since Jeremy had issued the ultimatum. He, on the other hand, had never seemed so buoyant. Part of her felt annoyed and resentful by his reaction. Sophie felt like he should be a little bit more respectful to the difficult decision he'd forced on her and give her a proper mourning period before celebrating. Huffing to herself she stepped inside the shop and walked straight to the counter. She ordered an iced latte and stood gazing out the window as she waited for her drink. Stomach twisting in a knot, she considered asking Bucky to meet her right then and there but quickly dismissed the thought. Startling when her name was called, she grabbed her drink from the counter and beelined for the door, head down, still deep in thought.
(War — T3NZU)
She stepped out into the sunlight and turned to walk down the street, back in the direction of her new apartment. And then, as if by divine intervention, there he stood, directly in front of her. Bucky was frozen a few paces away. He donned gym shorts and a tight fitting white shirt that made his baby blues more striking than she'd like to admit. He wore a guarded and apprehensive expression. Sophie swallowed hard. Natasha had called her a few nights ago, trying to pry. Bucky had reached out, wondering what was going on with her. But Sophie had refused to say anything to the Black Widow. Bucky needed to hear it from her, not from someone else. And now was the moment. She stepped up to him slowly, cautiously. Stopping only a foot or so away, heart hammering, blood pounding, she looked up at his face and nearly broke.
Are you really doing this?
"Sophie…what happened? Are you ok?" His voice was gentle and so caring it sliced through her heart like a knife.
"Y-yeah…I'm fine. I'm sorry I haven't been around."
Bucky's head cocked to the side and worry creased his brows. She dropped her gaze to the street, somewhere to the left of him. There was no way she could meet his eye while basically breaking up with him. Swallowing hard yet again, she gathered her courage. A movement from the corner of her eye caught her attention, causing her gaze to snap back to him.
"You don't look ok," he began as he reached out for her.
More than anything, she wanted to close the distance between them and step into his embrace. But she knew she couldn't. He couldn't push her away like he had been but still expect her to stay tethered. So she stepped back instead. His arm dropped down to his side, hanging heavy. She watched him close his eyes for a beat too long, take in a breath that was a little too deep. When he looked at her again it was with a mournful gaze that crushed her very soul.
"It's Jeremy, isn't it?"
Sophie swallowed convulsively, trying to moisten her dry mouth and throat. Unable to speak, she simply nodded. Her eyes were riveted on his, shackled by some invisible force. His head bobbed slowly in understanding.
"I'm sorry," she croaked out in a near whisper. "I'm so sorry Bucky."
He gave her a wry smile and shook his head lightly.
"Don't be. You're making the right decision."
She watched his Adam's apple dip as his gaze lowered to the floor.
"James…"
She was nearly crying now, her eyes brimming with unshed tears. His eyes slowly lifted back up to hers.
"It's fine. I promise. I'll be ok."
She opened her mouth and then closed it again, unable to get any more words out. The large lump in her throat wouldn't allow her to speak.
What are you doing?! What are you doing?!
Her mind screamed at her. But at this point it was too late. The die had been cast and there was no turning back. Bucky suddenly stepped up to her, closing the distance between them. Sophie inhaled sharply. His hands went to her face and he gently cupped her cheeks. Tilting her head up slightly, he forced her to look at him once more.
"Just remember, I'll always be here for you. If you ever need me," he murmured.
Then he placed a soft kiss on her forehead and let Sophie go. Taking a step back, he looked at her for a beat longer, then moved past her and into the coffee shop. She didn't stand there for long once he'd left. Rapid, shallow breaths beat out of her as her legs swiftly carried her away from him and back towards her apartment. She made it only two blocks before she broke down, no longer able to hold back the anguish she felt. Her mind still couldn't quite wrap around what had just happened. She hadn't been ready for it to end. She couldn't fully believe that it really had. Leaning against a brick wall on the corner, Sophie put her face in her free hand and sobbed. She didn't care about all the people staring at her as they walked by, she let the emotions flood out of her right there. Several long minutes later, she felt a small hand on her forearm. Lifting her red and puffy face, she gazed at an elderly lady who had stopped to offer her a tissue. The lady smiled at her kindly.
"T-thank you," Sophie choked out.
"Whatever it is, honey, it'll be ok. Things are never quite as bad as they seem at first. Just remember, you have control over your actions. So you do what you need to do to make it better."
She stared at the old woman as the lady patted her gently on the arm and then continued on her way down the street.
…
Bucky walked into the coffee shop completely numb. For months now, maybe even years, he'd been waiting for this to happen. He knew it would sooner or later. Sophie was too invested in her relationship with Jeremy, too blinded by her affection to see him for who he really was. But who was he kidding? As if he were any better. He was no good for Sophie either and he knew it, selfishly holding on to her for far longer than he should have. But she was better off now. Maybe she'd get that happily ever after they both dreamed about. He hoped that she would, but he feared that she'd be faced with a more cruel reality with Jeremy. More than anything he just wanted Sophie to be happy and safe. He stepped up to the counter and stared blankly at the barista.
"What can I get you sir?"
He continued to stare, suddenly unsure why he was even there at all.
"Nothing. I don't want anything," he said quietly as his brow creased in confusion.
"Um…ok…"
Bucky turned on his heel and walked quickly back outside as a painful maelstrom of emotions began to build inside of him.
…
Sophie continued to cry all the way home. She was still crying when Jeremy returned.
"What happened? Are you ok?"
"I—I talked to Bucky this morning."
He stared at her for several quiet moments.
"Good," he said at last. "Now you can move forward. We both can. Come on."
He came up to her and gently tugged her up off the floor.
"Give it some time. In a little while, he won't mean anything to you at all. He'll just be someone you used to be friends with."
Sophie sobbed harder at the thought.
"Why don't you go take a shower and get into something comfortable? I'll order takeout."
…
She cried herself to sleep every night that week. Jeremy laid beside her, not saying anything. His resentment over her tears wouldn't allow him to swallow his pride and comfort her the way she needed. When Friday morning rolled around, he stepped out of the shower to find Sophie sitting on the edge of their bed dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. His brows creased.
"Why aren't you getting ready for work? Is it casual Friday or something?"
"No. I called in today."
"Are you not feeling good? Everything alright?"
"Not really, no."
"Ok, well…what can I do?"
She took in a deep breath, then sighed it out.
"I think I'm going to go home for a few days. I want to see my mom."
"What? Why?"
"Well I haven't seen her in a while and I just really want to talk to her in person. I want to see her."
"Alright…let me cancel a few meetings and I can go—"
"No. That's sweet of you, but no. I want to go by myself and have some one on one time with her."
"Ok. When are you going?"
"My flight leaves in a few hours. I'm going to pack and grab a cab."
"When did you have time to book a flight?!"
While you were snoring.
Sophie resisted the urge to roll her eyes.
"I couldn't sleep last night."
"Sophie, you really need to see someone. Your anxiety and insomnia are getting out of control."
She felt herself flush at the way he'd said it.
"I'll keep that in mind," she groused.
"So when are you going to be back?"
"My flight gets in at six on Sunday."
Jeremy sighed, then ran a hand through his hair.
"Ok, well…I don't know what else to say. Have a good flight I guess. At least text me when you get there."
"I will."
He came up to her and placed a kiss on Sophie's head. Resentful eyes watched his back retreat into the closet to get ready for work.
…
Sophie stepped off the plane, tugging her purse and carryon behind her. She made her way through the busy airport and nearly ran into her mother's arms.
"Oh Sophie! I'm so happy to see you!"
Pulling away slightly, she looked up at her mom, Meredith, and without any provocation at all, the damn broke. She buried her face in the older woman's neck and began to sob.
"Shhh…what's wrong darling? What happened?"
Meredith pressed her close, attempting to calm her distraught daughter.
"Everything just feels like a mess right now mom. It was supposed to make things better, easier. But instead I'm more confused and upset than ever."
"What was Sophie?"
She sniffled and wiped her face with her hands.
"Can we just go please? I'll tell you when we get home."
"Sure baby."
…
Bucky sat on the edge of the much too comfortable couch, lips slightly pursed. He continued to stare into the brown orbs that were so dark they were nearly black. The therapist sighed, eyes rolling up to the ceiling as he refused to participate in the staring contest with his patient.
"What has you so upset James?"
"Who said I'm upset?"
"Well you're definitely more surly than usual. So something must have happened. I can't help you if you don't talk to me."
Bucky's jaw ticked. He continued to sit quietly once more.
"That is why you come to see me, isn't it? So I can help you sort through things. So you can figure out how to work your way through your issues. What's the point of being here if you won't talk to me? You haven't been required to see me for a long time. Why bother coming and wasting your money?"
Heaving out a deep sigh, Bucky leaned back against the plush cushions and crossed his arms over his chest. His eyes drifted out the window to his left as he considered Dr. Young's words. He'd been with him for many years now, ever since he was made Bucky's court appointed therapist. Even once Dr. Young had given his blessing and released Bucky, he continued on with their sessions. Not because he had to any more, but because he wanted to. He had come to realize that this really was a safe space for him to express his feelings and frustrations. It was somewhere he could get an opinion without judgment, somewhere he could get advice, or a new point of view. And sometimes, he'd found, it was the place where he could get the kick in his ass that he needed.
He turned his crystal blue gaze back to the doctor, who sat patiently waiting for Bucky to gather himself. The sun shimmered off his smooth, chocolaty skin as he rolled up his shirtsleeves. Bucky leaned forward slightly and rubbed his palms against his thighs. The therapist adjusted the black, square frames that perched on his nose, then leaned back, still waiting.
"Sophie and I…" he took in a deep breath, struggling to get the words out.
"We…"
Bucky pulled a face as he tried again. He didn't want to say it. Hearing the words aloud, speaking them, it would make it all real. He glanced back up at Dr. Young who continued to sit in serene silence, running his fingers up and down his slightly bearded chin. One more steady breath and Bucky shoved the sentence out of his mouth.
"Sophie and I are over. We're done."
Dr. Young waited for another beat to see if anything more would come. When he was met with silence, he leaned forward, mimicking Bucky's posture.
"Explain."
"We're no longer talking…we're not…we're not friends anymore. We're…nothing."
"Why? Who's decision was this?"
"Both of ours, I guess."
"Go on."
Bucky sat back, his right leg jostling out his anxiety. Dr. Young once again copied him, leaning back in his chair, pen twirling slightly in his fingers as his untouched notepad balanced on a crossed knee.
"She picked Jeremy. I think he finally gave her the ultimatum, and she picked him."
"How do you feel about that?"
The stormy blue gaze cut sharply to the window, observing the leaves as they fluttered softly in the breeze.
"Like she made the right choice," his voice was so quiet, the therapist barely heard him.
"Even if you actually believe that, you're still hurt by it."
The comment was a statement, not a question, so Bucky didn't feel the need to respond. He continued to watch the branch that stretched in front of the large window. A small bird landed on it, hopping a few paces before taking off again. When he remained silent, Dr. Young decided to take a different approach.
"You said that the choice was both of yours. How did you play into this decision?"
Bucky's face twitched slightly, before his solemn gaze drifted back to the man in front of him. He didn't want to breathe life to these feelings. He didn't want to bring all of his darkness into the open again. But he knew it was coming, he couldn't hold it back. And this person before him knew it all already. He'd been with Bucky through the worst of it. He'd seen the most dark and twisted corners of his mind. He was privy to his gruesome history. He'd been there through severe breakdowns and terrifying flashbacks. He'd dragged him out of the depths when he was hopelessly drowning and resuscitated him. Helped him pick up the shattered pieces of himself and begin to rebuild. This man had helped him regain his sense of self and stand on his own two feet again, even after wanting to end it all, more than once. This was someone he could trust. And yet, this was still difficult for Bucky to express. The feelings so fragile he might break if he gave them over. He swallowed hard, his mouth dry.
"I'm dragging her down. I'm holding her back from the life that she wants."
"And how do you figure that?"
Bucky shook his head back and forth before sitting forward again, forearms resting on his knees.
"Doc, I'm still so fucked up. And I rely on her too much. I can't be calling her in the middle of the night because I'm having a flashback and losing my mind, shaking and crying like a scared child!"
"First of all, do not belittle your trauma response. We've been over this. Second of all, if she's ok with it, then why not?"
"Well for starters, it's not her job to come running every second I can't handle myself. She's not my girlfriend. And I also don't think her boyfriend appreciates it very much."
"Well that sounds more like his problem than yours. But what does it matter if she's not your girlfriend? She's your friend, isn't she? What is it that you think friends are supposed to do for each other if not be there when we're in need?"
"I ask too much of her. She can't keep coming to my rescue. She has her own life outside of our friendship."
"Has she expressed that?"
"No. And she never would. Sophie is too sweet, too kind. And I'm taking advantage of that."
"So how often do you demand she 'come to your rescue'? Every day? Every week?"
"N-no…"
"Doesn't sound like you're taking advantage to me."
Bucky sighed and put his head in his hands, fingers running through his long hair.
"You feel guilty that she puts you first, even above Jeremy sometimes."
"Yeah," he breathed out at last. "I'm getting in the way of her relationship. Of what she wants with him."
"James, that is her choice."
"But I'm the one calling her!"
"Look. Whatever issues Sophie and Jeremy have, it's not your fault. It is not because of your relationship with her. Yes, maybe it exacerbates the problem, highlights the issue. But whatever cracks they have, they are not there because of you. These are flaws within the foundation of their relationship and they'd show up in some form or another regardless of whether or not you're around."
Bucky mulled over his words as Dr. Young scribbled down some notes. Then he set his pen down and leveled his patient with a penetrating stare.
"Now, tell me what you did."
"Huh?"
Dr. Young licked his lips and adjusted his glasses again.
"My guess is that something happened after your last flashback about a month ago. So, I ask again, what did you do?"
"Why in the world would you assume that?"
"Well, this thing with Jeremy has been an ongoing issue for some time. But up until now, she's steadfastly defended your friendship, she's stood by you. And all of a sudden, Sophie walks away? Why?"
"I don't know! I told you, he must have given her an ultimatum!"
"What did she say to you?"
Bucky rolled his eyes and recounted what had happened outside of the coffee shop. Dr. Young listened closely, running his fingers along the coarse black hair covering his jawline.
"You're leaving something out," he said as he gazed at Bucky with sharp and calculating eyes.
The super soldier ran his hands over this face, then let out a huff of air.
"I…" his jaw worked, then clamped shut.
"You…?"
"I might have been…intentionally putting some space between us."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Since the flashback, when she accidentally slept over, I've been…trying to be less…needy."
"Go on."
"I've just been curbing my texts and calls. And…maybe trying not to use up so much of her free time one on one. Though that part isn't entirely on me."
Dr. Young raised an eyebrow. Bucky frowned and looked away from him.
"They moved in together a few weeks ago. Makes it a little harder to hang out just the two of us."
The therapist threw himself back in the chair and stared at Bucky with a decidedly unimpressed face.
"And you didn't think to lead with that?"
Bucky shrugged, crossing his arms over his chest and then leaned back against the plush couch.
"That was a big step for them. A big commitment for her. And so now here we have Sophie, someone who is incredibly sensitive, intuitive, and compassionate. And you thought she wouldn't realize what you were doing? She's trying to move forward with her man and he presents her with this choice. What else is she supposed to do? You are literally shoving her out of your life, while he's trying to bring her in. The choice seems pretty clear to me."
Bucky's jaw was clenched so tight it was starting to hurt. He put his head back in his hands and dug his fingernails into his scalp.
"Fuck," he breathed out.
"Do you think that maybe subconsciously you were trying to push her to this on purpose? Because you don't feel worthy of the love and attention that she gives you?"
The super soldier breathed heavily as he stared at the rug beneath his feet.
"Here's the thing. At this point, what's done is done. Whether or not you two will mend your friendship, I don't know. But what I do know, is that even if you did distance yourself on a subconscious level, this must still be incredibly painful for you."
Bucky's head shot up and he stared at the therapist, lips slightly parted, shock etched into his face.
"Come now. I know you well enough at this point to see when you're in pain and you're trying to hide it. Friendships are… so similar to romantic relationships. And yet in some ways, so very different. I personally think the dissolution of a good friendship can be more shattering than that of a romantic entanglement. Because the thing about friendships is, you don't go into it thinking that one day it could all end. So when it does, it can feel like you are suddenly left with a gaping hole where it used to be. Our close friends are people we can confide in, rely on, laugh and cry with. And yes, that's the same as with a romantic relationship. But I believe most people know going into it, on some level, that it might not work out in the end. With a good friend, we expect them to always be present in our lives. And for you…someone who does not have many people who are very near and dear, someone who has difficulty trusting others, to have one of your most cherished people whom you've exposed all of yourself to, suddenly leave you? That's nothing short of devastating."
The lump that shoved against his throat surprised him. The tears that welled up in his eyes scared him. The wretched twisting of his heart broke him. Bucky covered his face with this hands and, for the first time since he'd walked away from Sophie, he let it all out. His shoulders shook as he cried quietly, allowing himself to finally feel the real weight of Sophie's absence. Dr. Young silently placed a box of tissues beside him. Then returned to his chair and jotted down notes, allowing Bucky the space he needed to accept his emotions. At last, he wiped his face and sat back, several tissues balled up in his right fist. The therapist set his pen and paper aside, looking at the other man with compassion.
"There's one more thing I wanted to touch on, before time runs out for today."
Bucky looked back at him warily.
"At the beginning of the session, you used an interesting turn of phrase. You said that you and Sophie 'are over.' That sounds a whole lot like saying you two broke up. Both of which are often used when speaking of ending a romantic relationship. So, I have to ask…have you ever considered this with Sophie?"
The former assassin was silent for several minutes before releasing a long-suffering sigh.
"A long time ago. When we first met."
"And not since then?"
A small shrug lifted Bucky's left shoulder.
"She and Jeremy got together. I haven't let myself go down that road since."
Dr. Young scrutinized his patient, the knuckle of his left forefinger gently running over his bottom lip.
"That's interesting, James. Very interesting."
…
Sophie yawned and stretched. Her eyes cracked open and she looked at the clock in her childhood bedroom. It was nearly 2:00pm and she was feeling wonderfully well-rested after many miserable sleepless nights. She'd come home with her mom and promptly broken down, telling her all the sordid details of what had happened. Meredith had held her and let her get it all out. She rubbed soothing circles over her back, placed her head in her lap, and ran her fingers through her hair until she'd calmed down. Then she'd made her a cup of decaf green tea and sent her off to bed for a nap. After a two hour doze and a hot shower, she emerged feeling just a little bit better. Simply because she was back in the presence of her mom.
The two women went out for a late lunch in D.C., never broaching the subject of Sophie's distress. Then they returned back to her childhood home in Bethesda and set up on the back covered porch. They sat in cushion-covered rocking chairs and watched her mom's two Goldens race around the backyard. Sophie swayed forwards and backwards, allowing the calm of the moment to sooth her injured heart.
"I've been thinking a lot about what you told me this morning," her mom started quietly. "And I have a few questions."
"Oh boy."
"Do you see yourself marrying Jeremy?"
Sophie sputtered.
"What?! I am so not ready to get married!"
"Honey, you're turning 30 next year. It's not that far fetched to be thinking about marriage. And anyway, that's not what I asked."
"I — I don't know. Maybe?"
She gave a light shrug but swallowed hard, betraying her discomfort about the subject.
"Baby, it's just me. You can be honest about what you're thinking and how you're feeling. If there's anyone you can spill your secrets to, you know it's your mom."
"I just, I really don't know. Sometimes I think I can and other times…I'm not so sure."
"The things is, Sophie, after three years together, you really should know. You may not be ready to be married yet. But you should know if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. What's holding you back?"
"I don't know."
"Are you sure you don't know? Or do you just not want to say?"
"I mean…I guess sometimes it feels like, maybe, he doesn't totally get me. Like there are things we're not on the same page on that I feel like we should be. And then there are the stupid little things. Like, I hate his friends. My friends don't like him. He's always working which makes me feel…"
She paused, searching for the right words.
"Deprioritized?"
"Yes," she sighed out.
"Baby, those are not small things. Those are big things that make up a life together. Do you think that, maybe, you're just too afraid to let go?"
Sophie turned sharply to face her mother, brows knit together.
"Look, your father and I did not have the best track record. I know. It was always on again, off again. Ever since you were five. Truthfully, probably long before you came along. I think, we both just wanted it to work so badly, that we were too afraid of what would happen if we let it go. And then when we did separate, I was…I was too afraid to stand on my own two feet. Too scared to be alone and start over. So I'd go back to him, to what was familiar and felt safe. I see now what a mistake that was. You sometimes saw the worst of us because of it. Sophie, I don't want you to repeat my mistakes."
"Mom, I—"
"Don't let your insecurities hold you back from doing what your heart is telling you is right."
"You never did like Jeremy, did you?"
"The honest truth is, I don't think I ever got to know him well enough to dislike him. But what I do know is that he doesn't seem to make you truly happy."
Sophie sat back and watched as the dogs ran by, the slow pitter-patter of summer rain chasing them indoors. She continued to rock, thinking about her mother's words.
"You know, you've brought Bucky here more than Jeremy."
Turning her head towards her mother, she tried to read her facial expression but failed. Meredith stared firmly straight ahead, poker face intact.
"That's just because Jeremy's always busy working. Or would go visit his own family for holidays. Bucky doesn't have any family except his friends. I didn't want him to be alone in the city."
Meredith gave a light shrug, "He could have spent that time with one of the other Avengers."
"Not always. Anyway, is there a point? Are you upset that he'd come with me?"
"No. Quite the opposite. I love Bucky. He's kind and polite and he washes my dishes!"
She laughed, then finally turned to face her daughter.
"He cares about you. I can see it. Have you ever considered…"
"Mom, I'm going to stop you right there. I know what you're going to say."
"Well? Have you?"
"Maybe when we first met. But then I started dating Jeremy and we just became good friends. That's all it is now. He has no romantic interest in me whatsoever, trust me."
"How could you possibly know that?"
"Because Jeremy and I have broken up before and he never made a move. He was always there for me but just as a friend."
"Did you ever think that maybe he didn't want to take advantage of you when you were in a vulnerable place? Or that maybe he didn't want to be your rebound?"
Sophie's face twisted as she felt a punch to the gut. She had never actually considered either of those scenarios.
"You may not think he has any romantic feelings, but do you?"
She squirmed slightly.
"It really doesn't matter. It's not an avenue I want to explore. It can't possibly lead to anything good."
"Well, whatever you decide on with you and Jeremy shouldn't be based on Bucky anyway. It should be solely about you and how you feel towards your relationship with Jeremy. But I will say this, you and Bucky…if you could only see the way you two are around each other."
"What do you mean?"
"You dance around one another in this perfectly synchronized rhythm. The way you laugh together, the way you lightly touch, the looks you give each other. His eyes follow you around the room."
Sophie scowled.
"How's that any different than like, me and Sam? We flirt like crazy! But you're not saying this stuff about him!"
"It's different. When I was in New York over the holidays last year, and we went out to dinner, do you remember? It was us and Bucky and Sam. Steve and Natasha were there too. You and Sam were boisterous, flirting openly and wildly. But it was so obvious it was all a joke, your friendship purely platonic. But you and Bucky…constantly throwing each other knowing looks like there was some inside joke no one else got. You flirted softly, subtly. It was a very different dynamic."
"You're looking into this way too much mom."
"Sophie, sometimes love isn't all big and loud. Sometimes it's delicate and quiet. And I guess that leads me to my other question."
"I'm not sure I want to hear it."
"You've broken up with Jeremy more than once now. But this, this is your first 'breakup' with Bucky. So I have to ask you, which one hurt more?"
Sophie took in a sharp breath as her insides contorted. She turned back to the falling rain, coming down in a steady rhythm now. She didn't have to even think about it. The answer drifted to the forefront of her mind instantly.
…
Sophie spent Saturday morning catching up with two of her old friends over breakfast in D.C. Then she did some retail therapy and met up with her mom for lunch. They enjoyed the Smithsonian and playing tourist the rest of the afternoon. Once they were back at the house, the two women turned on some music and cooked dinner together like they used to. They danced in the kitchen, attempting not to trip over the dogs who were begging for scraps already. Afterward, as they stood side by side doing the dishes, Sophie turned to her mom, bringing up a more serious discussion for the first time that day.
"Mom?"
"Yeah honey?"
"I think I need to change my flight tomorrow."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. Jeremy is supposed to be spending the day hanging out with his old frat buddies at the club they all belong to. And I think…there are some things I need to take care of before he gets home."
"Anything you care to share with me?"
"Yes. But not yet. I'll call you once everything is done."
Her mom smiled, a knowing look on her face.
"Ok."
…
Sophie felt a surge of excitement and empowerment well up in her chest as she watched the familiar city buildings whirl by.
"So are you going to tell me why you decided to come home early?" Natasha asked as she drove her home.
"I just realized I needed to take care of a few things."
"Mmmmhm. Do those things have anything to do with Bucky?"
Sophie's head shot over to the redhead sharply.
"Why would you ask that?"
"Because…well, he hasn't really been in a great place since you two stopped talking."
Sophie felt her heart sink.
"How bad is it?" She nearly whispered.
"He's just super distracted. I can tell he's hurting, but he's trying to hide it. Typical."
She frowned deeply.
"What?"
Nat's eyes darted over to Sophie briefly.
"I had to tell Steve to pull him from the mission today."
"What? Why?"
"His head just isn't in the right place right now. We can't risk someone getting hurt because he's only half with us."
"I bet he didn't take that well."
"He doesn't even know. Steve just went with Tony instead without ever calling him for the mission to begin with."
A long sigh left Sophie's lips.
"He's a big boy Natasha. And I've come to realize that whatever decisions I make in my life need to be for me. I can't keep doing things just because it will please other people."
"I know that Sophie. I wasn't trying to make you feel bad. I was just," she sighed. "He misses you, that's all."
They arrived at Sophie and Jeremy's apartment. The redhead bid her friend goodbye and took off once she was on the street with her bags.
…
(Flowers - Remix — Lucho Dee Jay, Natasha Figg)
She stepped into the quiet apartment and set her things down near the door. Slowly walking around, Sophie gazed at everything before her. She thought about the life she knew and the life that she wanted. Her heart began to grow as determination set in and she accepted that this wasn't it. She walked into the giant bathroom and leaned her hands against the counter, staring at herself in the mirror. For the first time in a long time, Sophie felt sure of herself and her decision. She felt strong and she knew that no matter what ended up happening, she would be ok on her own. Letting out a bracing breath, she laid her phone down on the counter and, putting it on speaker, she called Sam.
*What's up buttercup?*
"Hey Sam. You busy?"
*Nope. You back in the city already? Thought you weren't getting home until tonight?*
"There was a change of plans. I need your help with something."
*Sure. Name it.*
"Can you meet me at Jeremy's right now?"
*Yeah I can do that.*
"Great. Also, wear something you don't mind getting sweaty in."
…
The red lipstick was the final touch. Something that made her feel confident and powerful. Her low heels clicked and clacked against the hardwood floors as she went into the living room. She smoothed out her white, halter summer dress as she leaned against the back of the couch, waiting. Tugging on her high ponytail nervously, she reminded herself to breathe. Jeremy would be home any minute now and she couldn't lose her nerve at the last second. She heard the key in the door and her heart began to hammer in her chest. She pushed off from the couch.
"Sophie! I'm so glad you're home early! I've missed you!"
He took a step forward to embrace her but Sophie stepped back. He paused, arms falling down to his sides.
"What's wrong baby?"
"Jeremy, I can't do this any more."
"What?"
She let out a trembling breath through her nose, then licked her red lips. She watched as his eyes scanned the apartment, suddenly realizing that her few possessions were missing.
"Where's all your stuff?"
"Back at my old place. Sam helped me move everything out this morning."
"Sophie, what happened? What's going on?"
He stepped towards her again.
"I'm breaking up with you."
"Why?"
"You know why."
"Because of him?!"
She let out a bitter laugh.
"No, Jeremy. Not because of Bucky. I'm breaking up with you because we're not right for each other. You want me to be someone who I'm not. I don't like your friends and I'll never get along with them. I don't want to be in such a cold and sterile home, especially if I'm here by myself most of the time. We don't agree on the fundamentals of what we want out of life. I want children Jeremy, and you don't!"
He began to argue but she held up a hand.
"Don't. Please don't. We both know you hate kids. And that's ok. But that just means you need to find someone who feels the same way. Because that's not me. I want to be with someone who makes me a priority, not his work. Someone who can keep his commitments and promises to me. Someone who feels confident in our relationship and doesn't have the need to tear me away from important people to make himself feel more secure."
"Sophie, I can be all of those things. Please, give me another chance."
"I have. We've tried. And it's just not working. I'm not happy. I don't…I don't love you. Not the way I should. And I think you love the idea of me more than you actually love me. You're trying to mold me into what you want, and that's not fair."
"But you love him, don't you?"
"Yes. But not how you think. If I'm being completely honest, separating with Bucky hurt me a lot more than it did when we've broken up. And I think that says a lot about our relationship."
"You're making a big mistake Sophie. You're going to regret letting me go. No one else is going to treat you as good as me."
"I don't think I will Jeremy. Because, for the first time in a long time, I'm doing something for myself. And I know I'll be ok without you. I'm sorry."
"Then I guess there's nothing left to say, is there?"
"I really do wish the best for you Jeremy. I may not love you, but I do still care about you."
"Gee thanks. I'm so fucking honored, but that's not much of a consolation."
She studied his face for a long time. Suddenly, she could see all the coldness and ugliness behind his beautiful eyes. The words tumbled from her mouth before she could talk herself out of saying them.
"Don't worry. In a little while, I won't mean anything to you at all. I'll just be someone you used to date."
Then she picked up her purse from the couch and strode past him, out the door, out of the apartment, and onto the busy New York City street.
…
Bucky was lounging on his couch, reading The Hobbit, when a soft knock at his door caught his attention. Resting the book face down, he stood up and made his way over towards the sound. Alpine wove between his feet, attempting to trip him up. He scooped the feline into his right arm and opened the door with his left. Lips parting slightly, he took in the sight of Sophie standing before him, looking like an innocent angel at his doorstep.
"Sophie," he breathed. "What are you doing here?"
His face was cautious, voice soft and wary. Alpine began to struggle and finally pushed off his chest, leaping into her arms. Her face split in a gentle smile as she laughed, clutching the fluffy cat to her chest.
"Can I come in please?"
Head cocked slightly, he hesitated for only a moment before stepping aside.
"Sure."
Closing the door behind her, Bucky walked past and meandered towards his kitchen. He turned back to her, hands in the pockets of his jeans as he rocked awkwardly from heel to ball of foot.
"What are you doing here?"
"Um, I…"
She rubbed Alpine under the chin, then set her down. Brushing the fur off her dress, Sophie began to nervously play with her fingers as she peered at Bucky through her lashes.
"I broke up with Jeremy. And I've moved back into my old apartment."
"What? Why? What happened? What did he do?! Did he hurt you?!" Bucky thundered.
Sophie was filled with a warmth that spread from the top of her head down to her very tippy toes. Despite how she'd hurt Bucky, casting him aside, he still cared, he'd still go to bat for her. She shook her head.
"No. He tried to control me. And that wasn't ok any more."
She swiftly stepped up to him and wrapped her arms around his middle. Bucky stood motionless and in shock for a moment. Then his own arms enveloped her, pulling her close to his chest.
"I'm so sorry James. I'm sorry I hurt you. And I'm sorry I didn't listen to you sooner. You were right all along. I should have never gone back to him the very first time we broke up. But I think I was just scared."
"Of what?" He breathed into her hair.
"Of not finding anyone else? Of being alone? Of making the wrong decision?"
"You're not alone, Sophie. I'm here for you."
"I know. And I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. You're my best friend and I hurt you. Can you forgive me?"
He rested his chin on the top of her head and gazed unseeing into his living room. Something twinged deep inside at the word 'friend'. But he shoved it far down — it wasn't something he was going to analyze. As he'd told Dr. Young, it wasn't a road he was planning on going down. So instead he squeezed her just a little tighter and buried his face back in her hair.
"Of course I forgive you."
"I missed you Bucky."
"I missed you too, Soph. A lot."
A/N: Well there you have it! This was the last chapter in the first arc of the story! Next chapter we officially catch up to present day and start the second arc.
A big thank you goes out to all my supporters who reviewed the last chapter! You guys are amazing and I'd probably have dropped this story a long time ago without you! Alices Rabbit, Thorunnironside, MidnightStar, Alpinelover, Vokunkendov, and acquamarina.
Alices Rabbit: Haha! She's making a move alright! But is it the one you thought she'd be making? Thanks so much for your review!
Thorunnironside: Thank you and so sorry it took me forever to get this update out. Hope this chapter wasn't too much of a mess. Also, I've been meaning to ask you. Is your name a nod to The Hobbit?
MidnightStar: It's definitely not. But he'd slipped into a dark place that his therapist is trying to drag him out of. Hope you enjoyed this chapter and thanks so much for your review!
Alpinelover: LOL! I hope the opening scene lived up to your expectations! Though maybe she didn't quite approach him as you'd thought she would? So the therapist scene was for you! I actually was not planning on having any therapy sessions incorporated in this story like I'd done with the last one. But your last review inspired me. :)