A/N: So, I've been wrestling with this chapter a bit, and found that getting no sleep was helping because I finally figured out what I hated and got rid of it. The chapter became a lot lighter, and I finally feel like it is going in the direction that I wanted it to.

It's a very small, condensed version, as there is no way to really lay out everything in a relationship, but I wanted to give some examples as to what Cat went through in order to help her better be understood as to why she is so reluctant. It has nothing to do with what she's feeling now, since she knows Issy isn't in the picture. It is truly being scared to go through another relationship like her last.

This is also really personal, and I tried to keep my own baggage out of it... but I didn't always succeed. Hopefully, it's clear (especially because I bounced from quick scene to quick scene) and not too heavy. XD While Cat (and myself) may not mourn the bad relationship being over, it's more mourning the potential of a relationship that never came to fruition, which is much more sad, because it could have been special, but it just wasn't. And can you be strong enough to try again with another friend that is more special than the first?

"I… think I'm in love with him," Rina said, causing Shanell to look at her in disbelief.

"Are you sure?" she asked. "I mean, you've never even dated anyone for this long before, and if you think it's love, then it probably isn't."

Rina thought it over. "Perhaps you have a point," she agreed. "It's just… well, he makes me feel so needed, and treasured. It's really amazing how much time and effort he puts into making this relationship work."

"I get that… I do," Shanell replied. "I just don't see him being… you know, the end game, for you."

"Really?" Rina asked. "Why not?"

"Well, you're just so different! Didn't you say he's always gone? Camping and hunting, or whatever?" Shanell asked. "I thought you hated camping."

"Oh, hate is a strong word, I just have only gone a few times before, with large groups. I think it will be different now," Rina replied optimistically.

Shanell looked skeptical, however. "And if you still don't like it?" she asked. "You're just going to do it, because he does?"

"Maybe," Rina shrugged. "Or, I'll have time to hang out with my girlfriends. The biggest part of a relationship is compromise, Nell. He does for me all the time, and he's extremely supportive of what I want."

"Which is another thing," Shanell complained. "You've been dating for almost a year now, and you still haven't slept together? You need to test drive him you know. What if the sex is awful?"

"It can't be, if you love each other," Rina smiled dreamily.

"Seriously Rina," she snapped to get her friend's attention. "What, are you going to wait until your wedding night? That's crazy!"

"I don't know," Rina replied. "We've done… some things after all, and it's wonderful. I just… want to be sure. I want him to be the only one. What's wrong with that?"

Shanell gave her friend a small smile. "When you're a romantic, nothing. I just… worry, that's all."

"Don't worry about me," Rina grinned. "I'll be just fine."

"I can't believe how nervous I am!" Rina said to her new husband as they entered their hotel room. "It's not like it's all brand new or anything."

"Uh-huh," he said, not really paying attention. "You hungry, babe?"

"Uh… sure, I guess I could eat," she agreed, wondering if that would make her stomach feel better or worse.

"Okay, I'll order something," he said, heading over to the phone as he removed his suit jacket and tie.

"I'll, uh… freshen up?" she said, noting that there wasn't a response, as she went into the bathroom.

Looking in the mirror, she stared for a few minutes, wondering what she should do. Change? Yes, but into what? She didn't want to eat in her lingerie. She finally decided to put the lingerie on, and wore her robe over it.

Steeling herself, and her nerves, why am I so nervous? Rina opened the door with a smile, and walked out. Her smiled turned into confusion, as she saw Steven relaxed on the bed, watching… what is that? She leaned to get a look at the screen… a basketball game.

"Are we watching t.v.?" she asked, puzzled. She had assumed he'd be wanting to... get busy.

"Well, it'll be a bit before the pizza gets here," he answered without looking away from the screen.

Pizza?! her mind threw up a red flag,then she thought again. Am I making too big a deal of this? Why spend a bunch of money on food I probably won't eat anyway… I guess.

Rina sat next to her husband… and finished watching the game, wondering if everyone's wedding night was like this. Perhaps like everything else, movies and books had set her expectations too high.

Rina lay on the bed, staring at the ceiling, and wondered what she had been so nervous and excited for. Surely, they had done something wrong, because even when they had fooled around before there had been more than this.

"Maybe, we can try that again?" she asked, trying to sound alluring.

Steven glanced over to her, and closed his eyes again. "If you want, in a little while," he said. "Though it might hurt even worse."

"I… don't think I'll mind," she replied. "I think I just need some practice to get my rhythm," she smiled. "Besides, everyone says the second time is better, and can last longer."

He glanced at her again, and with a shrug said, "I got mine."

Rina felt like she had been slapped, the sting of his words adding to her sudden anxiety. He probably felt offended by my implying that he didn't last long enough, she thought. Crap, how do I fix this?

She moved closer to cuddle up to him. "I'm fine with just cuddling for awhile any way."

He surprised her again, by sitting up, and looking at her. "That's another thing," he said, and she looked at him questioningly. "I really don't like cuddling."

"What?" she asked, surprised. "But, we cuddle all the time!"

"Yeah, and I hate it," he replied. "I just did that because you liked it, but now that we're married, I don't have to anymore."

"Well… but…" Rina spluttered, "but that's one of my favorite things…"

"So even though I hate it, we have to because you want to?" he asked.

"No, of course not…"

"Good, then that's settled. Good night, my beautiful wife," he said, giving her a kiss, and turning over on his side, facing away from her.

"Good night," she answered woodenly, as she turned off the light. She stared into the sudden darkness of the room, glancing over when she heard his snoring. "This was my honeymoon?" she asked quietly as she willed herself not to cry. "Did I just make a huge mistake?"

"You should get dressed," Steven said as Rina came to the kitchen in her pajamas.

"I'm going to stay in my p.j.s all day long!" Rina announced with a smile. "I plan to spend most of the day with my new video game."

"We've got that new movie we wanted to see playing at noon," he said.

"What about work?" she asked, confused.

"I called in," he smiled at her. "We haven't gotten much time together lately, and I miss you," he explained.

She smiled, even as she watched her grand plans fly away. "Okay, I can always play later," she said.

"I figured we could go shopping too, didn't you say you wanted to check out that game shop in the next town?" he asked.

Rina felt a little ashamed of herself. Here he was, working to spend time with her, and she was upset that she didn't get to be alone with her video game.

"That sounds fun," she said. "Any other plans I should know about?"

"That will probably give us just enough time to go to the store before the game tonight," he replied.

"Game?" she asked.

"The football game?" he said. "The guys are all coming over to watch?"

Rina watched as her plans to fell back down- to crash and burn. If they were watching the t.v. then she couldn't play her game.

"Steve, that's the entire day," she said gently. "I had some things I wanted to do today too."

"Well, you don't have to," he said in surprise. "I just wanted to spend time with my wife, but that's fine."

Rina sighed. "Of course I want to spend time with you, but I would like to be involved in the planning of my own day."

"Sorry."

"Yeah," she replied with a huge sigh, deciding she didn't want to fight. "I'll get dressed."

"How you can keep missing, I'll never understand," he told her. "The target is right in front of you."

"I'm trying, really."

"Well, keep practicing. I'll go fish for a bit, so we have something for dinner."

"I think I need a break," she replied, putting the large compound bow down with shaky hands. "My arms feel like jelly."

"Looks like I won't have to clean the game ever again at this rate," he teased.

"I know," she replied. "If you don't catch it, you clean it," she recited his rule. "But this is just too big for me."

"We'll have to find you something else then," he said, shaking his head in disappointment. "Maybe a crossbow or something that doesn't take any effort or skill."

"I'll will get better," she promised. "I'll make you proud."

"We'll see," he replied as he left the camp.

Rina looked up in surprise as Steven sat down next to her and put his arms around her.

"Hey there, want to cuddle?"

As if I don't know what that means… she thought. "Uh, I'm in the middle of a show," she replied. "Maybe later? Before bed?"

He didn't reply as he started kissing her neck, his hand going under her shirt. She put up with it for a bit, hoping that ignoring him would make him take a hint. Finally, she spoke again, deciding since it was happening, she'd try again to make it worth her while.

"You know, if you did this a little slower," she said as she took his hand to show him.

"Why mess with success?" he said, as he shook her off.

"Well, I'm thinking if you tried this, we could both enjoy it…" she began.

"If you aren't getting off, maybe you should think about what you're doing wrong," he said as he unbuttoned her pants. "I work hard enough," he said and Rina sighed, laying back, and telling herself that the intimacy was bringing them closer, even if sex wasn't what she had always thought it would be.

"Rina, you're obviously not happy!" Shanell said angrily.

"Life isn't always happy, Shanell," Rina replied. "We're trying, I know it doesn't seem like it, but it's just give and take."

"And when you always give, and he always takes?" she growled.

"Look, I use you to vent, so you only hear the bad things!" Rina explained. "Just the other day, he bought me this, and the week before he made my favorite dinner, and even cleaned the kitchen afterwards."

"Big deal," Shanell griped.

"Look, yeah, it's a work in progress," Rina said. "There are things that I don't like, but that's true for both sides. It takes two people to make or break this marriage, and it's not like I'm the perfect wife either," she said. " I'm always getting angry at him for the littlest things." She looked her friend in the eye.

"I'm horrible at sex, and can't seem to get pregnant to matter what I do. But," she hurried on before she broke down. "I made my bed, so I'm going to sleep in it. I'm not giving up, just because it's hard. I love him, and he loves me."

"I hope you're right about this."

"Our five year anniversary is coming up, and we have a romantic trip planned. You'll see, things will get better," Rina said with a smile.

"You… invited friends on our vacation?" Rina asked incredulously.

"Yeah, why not?," he replied, continuing to clean his gear.

"How romantic of a trip with that be, with your friends next door?"

"I figure, if they stay with us, it'll only be half the cost," he explained, and Rina rubbed her forehead, trying to stay calm.

"But… it's our anniversary," she said.

"So we'll split up for one night," he said, moving around to put things away. "Trust me, this will be much more fun."

Rina looked up, wondering what the noise was. She looked over at her phone, as it rang, and she ignored it. She didn't want to speak to anyone, and they probably didn't want to speak to her, not really.

Everyone thought this was such a good thing for her, but how could she feel that way? She had failed, and so miserably too. Steven had simple tastes after all, and she couldn't fit the mold she had thought she would. In her mind, she knew she could be happy, and that she hadn't been, not really, for a long time.

How had they failed so badly? They were friends, and they were both willing… so why couldn't they make it work? There hadn't been cheating… they liked each others' friends and family… so what was it?

She looked at her t.v. as the system loaded her game. What a life I have now… she thought. Work, play games until I fall asleep, repeat.

She continued to play Dragon Age, getting lost once again in the mythical world. If only it were real… she thought.

"So darling, what can I do for you?" her mother asked.

"Nothing mom, I'm fine," Rina said.

"You're in your pajamas at 5:30," she replied.

"I just like being in my pajamas… what?" she asked.

"Don't you think it's time to figure out what to do next?" her mom asked. "You're still young! You could go back to school, or spend more time with your friends. There's a new gym opening up around the corner…"

"I'm fine mom, just leave it alone," she replied, turning and walking into the kitchen. "I'll get there when I get there. I just need to figure out what I want."

"Okay… how can I help you then?"

"You can't mom, but thanks anyway."

The memories bombarded her one after the other, and it was disconcerting to have them flash so quickly through her mind. Knowing that it had been only seconds didn't stop her from remembering the feeling of not being good enough, the feeling of failing, of having her best friend slowly become someone she hardly recognized.

Once Anders was ready, he and Cat wandered down the stairs. He didn't know what she was thinking, but he felt he had made her sad, and he didn't like to see it.

Grabbing her arm and putting it around his, he gave her a grin and escorted her to the kitchen, where they found Leandra sitting at the table with a pot of tea.

"Good morning!" she greeted them, and they returned the greeting.

"Are you hungry?" she asked, and they both nodded. "Feeling better this morning?" she asked Cat, and she gave another nod and a smile.

"I slept so soundly, it was wonderful," she replied.

"I'm glad you found something to wear," Leandra teased her. "Though I could have given you something a little more fitting."

Cat looked down at the large tunic that she was currently swimming in. "I don't mind, it's very comfortable, though I am very sorry about the state of your dress."

"Now don't you worry about that," Leandra replied with a smile. "I'm just glad you are all right." She glanced at Cat again, looking her up and down. "Perhaps a belt would help, at least a little," she said. "Sit, sit. I'll get Orana started on the food, and see what I can find to help your… attire."

"No need to go to any trouble," Cat said, with a wink to Anders.

"No trouble at all dear," Leandra replied as she left. "Now you two sit and relax."

Anders waited until Leandra was gone before saying softly, "I wonder if Hawke knows how good he has it."

"I'm certain he does," Cat replied. "He's very protective of his mother, after all."

"True," he replied. The sat side by side, and he looked at her again, then reached over for her hand, laying his on hers and giving it a squeeze. "Will you tell me what's wrong?" he asked. "I don't like seeing you sad."

She glanced over and smiled at him, flipping her hand over to hold his. "Old memories, that's all," she said. "I'm not sad, just… melancholy."

"Same thing," he chided her. "Will talking about it help?" he asked.

"I don't know…"

"I'm all ears," he said pulling on his earlobe, and making her smile again.

She looked down at their joined hands. "There was a guy back home," she said. "I had known him for awhile and we became good friends. Then one day, he told me that he wanted more."

"Oh?" Anders asked.

"I was really flattered, but I didn't really feel that way. But he was persistent, and eventually I agreed to go out with him… or uh, let him court me," she corrected, so he could understand what she meant.

"And?" he asked, being true to his word about being all ears, he only spoke to get her to continue.

"After a year of that, we got married," she said. He made a "go on" gesture, and she assumed he had been informed of her "husband" already. "There was a lot of really good things, and I wouldn't be who I am without it, so I can't regret it all. But, after a time, we started changing. We spent more time apart, because we didn't share the same interests, and eventually, we weren't even friends any more.

"I'll always regret that the most," she said. "We even said we would stay friends when we got divorced… or uh, annulled our marriage. But we didn't. I look back now, and I know it was the best thing, for both of us, because we didn't make each other happy. But I still regret the loss of a friend."

Anders' eyes were wide. "And… you can't do that again," he murmured, mostly to himself as he understood now what she had meant. She gave him a tight smile.

"I won't risk it," she said, giving his hand a squeeze this time.

Outside the door, Hawke stared at the ground. He felt he was finally understanding Cat, though he couldn't say he agreed with her stance. Comments that Isabela had made that night so long ago- when he had ruined things romantically with Cat- were coming back. She had been adamant that he needed to be Cat's friend, and at the time, he had thought that she was telling him to let Cat go. Now, he felt like she had been guiding him in the right direction all along. Now he just needed to decide what to do about it.

He would still grimace at the thought of an official courtship, because he wasn't sure he was ready for that kind of commitment, but what options did that leave?

His hand was still raised to push the door open, though he had stopped when he heard Cat say "married". Now he eased back, moving away several paces, and coming back, stomping his feet a little on purpose to give warning.

"Mother? I'm home!" he called, though not so loud as to give them a thought that he had heard their conversation. He pushed open the door to the kitchen, and saw Cat and Anders sitting together and holding hands. His brow furrowed, but he realized they meant it to be a comfort to each other, and he smiled at them, grateful they had each other to lean on. "So, you two finally woke up then?" he asked.

"And you've probably already been out on a job, haven't you?" Cat asked. "Did you eat? Orana is fixing some food."

"I did, though I won't say no to more," he replied, sitting at the table with them. He eyed them both in thought before realizing that they were wearing his clothes… both of them.

"You look like you're wearing your big brother's tunic, Anders," he teased, then glanced at Cat. "I generally don't share," he flirted. "You should probably give those back, I mean, I don't borrow your clothes." He beamed at the flirty smirk she gave him.

"I am missing a few things," she teased. "Though I thought it was Issy, not you."

Cat chuckled merrily at the mental image of Hawke wearing some of her outfits and he and Anders gave each other a congratulatory look. They worked in tandem throughout the meal, keeping the conversation light and enjoying their success at raising Cat's spirits.