Chapter 5
More Things on Heaven and Earth
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I listened to Me -the 1975 while writing the final sequence of this chapter and it pretty much encapsulates how Hermione and Draco are feeling.
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Notes : "There are more things on heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." Is from Hamlet.
Blaise Zabini wasn't typically a morning person, however, a late response to his owl the day before had Blaise up at the crack of dawn. He had a Floo call that he'd been allowed to take in McGonagall's office in order to arrange the implementation of his idea, an excellent one if he said so himself. Despite losing the additional two hours of sleep he normally got, he felt refreshed and ready to take on whatever the day threw at him after the way that entire call had gone, and allowed a bit of a cocky swagger.
He turned a corner without looking, slamming hard into Hermione Granger. The collision nearly sent her sprawling to the ground, but luckily Blaise's chaser reflexes were quick enough to stop that from happening. Gripping her arms tightly and rebalancing her before she fell to the ground, Blaise did a once over to make sure that he hadn't actually harmed her. After he felt confident that she was still in one piece, he gingerly let her go and stepped back. "Alright there, Granger?" Blaise said as he smiled at her, raising his left eyebrow in inquiry.
"Yes….quite alright, thank you, Zabini," replied Hermione, flustered with a bit of a flush glowing up her neck. He nodded with a smirk at her physical reaction.
"McLaggen yesterday and gravity today, Granger. I will have to add your knight errant to my list of accomplishments," Blaise gave her one of his rare genuine smiles, and continued down the hall.
She stared after him in complete confusion as she'd never expected such familiarity from Blaise Zabini of all people. Wait, Hermione thought suddenly, how did Zabini know about gravity?
Even more satisfied with his morning, Blaise walked off to the Great Hall to join his friends for breakfast. He couldn't help himself when he started whistling the tune from one of the squib bands he'd taken Theo to see. It was a grand morning for the Italian wizard.
Sliding into his seat at the Slytherin table, Blaise cleared his throat to get his friends' attention. "Buongiorno migliori amiche. McGonagall thought my idea was brilliant," Blaise said, pouring himself a coffee. "Also, you will never guess which beautiful witch I had in my arms this morning," and he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at the last part.
"You mean that idea you refused to share with me? That idea?" Theo asked petulantly, rubbing at his tired eyes.
"All good things come to those who wait," Blaise replied, winking at Theo. "You haven't asked me what witch I had in my arms this morning," smugly sipping his coffee, anticipating the reactions of his mates.
"Our surest way of disappointing him will be to ask him nothing about it." Theo said, giving Pansy and Draco his flirting grin before taking a bite out of the scone in his hand. Blaise looked absolutely crestfallen at the idea that he wouldn't be able to antagonize his friends.
Draco started to laugh and Theo's mouth stretched into a huge grin, so pleased to have drawn that reaction from the usually moody blonde. Pansy sighed "Blaise, it's a quote from that muggle book that Theo loves. Although Theo, you are definitely more Caroline than Elizabeth even on your best day. Merlin, tell us your secret Blaise and be quick about it before the great hall fills up and we have to share the table."
Theo scoffed, rolling his eyes in Pansy's direction. "I disagree, Pansy. I am absolutely a bi poly Mr. Bingley." Theo gave his goofiest smile and tossed his curls dramatically, gazing at Pansy through fluttering lashes. His hand was pressed to his heart, covering the band logo that was a dripping human heart with the words "The Unforgivables" just barely visible between his fingers. Blaise was sure that shirt had come from Agglutination Metal Festival; Theo always had to buy every single band's shirt they saw, whether he liked them or not. Blaise had an entire wardrobe filled with them from the three summers before the war.
Blaise looked quizzically at his friend. "Oh wait. Was that a quote from the one film you made me watch at the villa eight times, where the love interest is basically Drake?" Draco gave Blaise a two finger salute, but Blaise rolled his eyes and continued anyway. "Honestly, you do have the hair for Bingley, Theo, but back to what gorgeous witch swooned into my arms." Blaise paused for dramatic effect, making the other three look exasperated. "It was Granger."
The shift in the mood at the table was instantaneous. From laughing and joking around, they were now scowling at the Italian man's announcement. Draco growled and Theo looked askance, snarling, "You did fucking not. She's not one of your toys to play with, Blaise." The venom in his voice was dripping with the threat of barely leashed violence. Blaise raised his eyebrow at Theo. Looked like Draco's pining after Granger was contagious, Blaise internally sighed.
"Well I bumped into her on my way here, and we almost fell. I swooped in to steady her like a black knight." At the look the blonde was shooting him, Blaise let out a barking laugh. "And Draco, don't tell me you are still obsessing over our favourite bushy haired Head Girl?" Blaise asked. "It's only been what, seven years?"
Pansy kicked his leg under the table to tell Blaise to lay off just as Theo saw Draco's eyes turn from molten silver to stone. He was occluding, again. "I have never been obsessed with Granger," Draco said in a monotone voice.
Theo and Pansy exchanged a look of concern over his head. The warning over using occlumency was still fresh in each of their minds. They were concerned about how much further Draco could push this before he caused serious damage to his psyche.
Sympathetically, Blaise sighed as he realized that he might have pushed further than he should have. "Lucius is in Azkaban, you know. He can't hurt you anymore, and he can't come after Granger. It's going to be alright."
Draco shook his head as he continued to occlude, "He hasn't gotten the Kiss yet. I am not counting him out until it's done. Even behind bars, he could still find a way to hurt her."
Sensing what the blonde wizard was needing, Theo reached out and held Draco's arm, rubbing circles on the back of his bicep with his thumb. Following Theo's lead, Pansy leaned her head against his other shoulder and put her hand on his back. And to everyone's surprise, Draco sat there staring off into space and accepted the physical comfort.
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Flashback
Summer before 3rd year
Malfoy Manor
Draco had been surprised to be summoned into his father's study, it wasn't often he was called upon. He was now nervously standing in front of his father's desk while the man sat across from him in his chair. Sipping firewhisky from his crystal tumbler, Lucius put on a facade of ignoring his son.
Even when his father feigned ignorance about his life, Draco knew that wasn't the case. Lucius was fully aware of everything Draco did. Every breath, twitch and stitch he was wearing. Draco concentrated on keeping his breaths measured, not even letting a drop of sweat build at his brow.
He practiced occluding his thoughts as his godfather and mother had been teaching him this summer. He saw stacks and stacks of trunks in his mind, like the luggage car on the Hogwarts Express, all filled with his private thoughts, hopes, and dreams. His mother had said he could put memories in there as well, so far only a handful were dangerous enough to need confinement: his occlumency lessons, his baby sister and most forbidden - her. His father jolted Draco out of his mind, by the crack of his cane hitting his desk as he stood up.
Not able to help himself, Draco gulped and eyes widened slightly. Oh Bollocks. He tried to stay perfectly still and wait to be spoken to. The languid way Lucius was walking told Draco that his father was several drinks in despite the early hour and if Draco made a misstep, Lucius wouldn't hesitate to dole out severe punishment.
"Draco," his father drawled. Leaning on his desk and running the tip of one long pale finger along the top of his cut crystal whiskey tumbler. Lucius smiled in a way that appeared, on the outside, friendly and fatherly. Draco, who knew his father to be neither of those things, felt his heart skip a beat at the sight.
"I have been thinking about Hogwarts."
If only his mother would interrupt, but she would never dare. Draco knew she was listening just beyond the cracked door, as she did every time Lucius summoned Draco. He tried to give himself a mental shake to stay calm. If his fear showed this would get ugly very fast.
Draco did not say anything in response. No question had been asked of him. He had made that mistake in the past and knew how close the cane was, the scar on his hand was a testimony to how sharp its teeth were. He kept his eyes on his father's face with a smooth attentive countenance. His father in black Acromantula silk wizard's robes looked every inch the poised aristocrat about to impart some fatherly advice to his beloved heir.
It could have been a muggle painting, Draco thought. There were a few in one of the wings, down an unused hall that had portraits of very distant relatives. It had a bench one could sit on to look at the paintings. They were small for the most part, and many of them were dark. Fantastical shells, several human skulls with unmoving candles with a flower or a bowl of fruit and a few muggle portraits. It was so strange to look at the unmoving portraits and wonder which of his ancestors had acquired them. This reminded him of one. Their poses, this performance, it struck Draco how fake it all was. And he held still, wishing he was in one of those paintings or anywhere far away from here.
"Wouldn't you like to know what my thoughts were?" His father set the tumbler down and looked disappointed. A cold fear settled into his stomach as Draco recognized that tone in his father's voice.
It was very likely that the rules may have changed without him knowing. He kept his face neutral as he said in his smoothest voice, keeping every word perfectly enunciated "Of course, father." There were few things Lucius hated as much as mumbling.
Lucius took a breath and looked at Draco looming over him a bit. "Miss Granger, the one I met at Flourish and Blotts. The little mudblood." Draco felt his palms beginning to sweat as he resisted the urge to wipe them dry on his trousers.
Had he been too obvious? Did his father know something about how he had tried to warn her about the basilisk or was he just suspicious? Draco tried to use his occlumency to shove a page torn from a book of monsters, a petrified hand holding a mirror and wild curls into a trunk in his mind.
"You complain about her a great deal. I recall my sister complaining a great deal about the half blood that she ended up running off with. Father burned her off the tree." Lucius took another sip of his firewhisky "Andromeda, your mother's sister, complained about that mudblood she was disowned over quite a bit as well." Lucius set the tumbler down with more force than necessary, some of the liquid splashing out over the top and onto the desk.
Draco was doing his best to not react to the news that he had another aunt. His father must be in his cups if he shared something that clearly had been hidden from him all his life. He had known about his aunts Andromeda and Bellatrix, but as far as he was aware, his father was an only child like him.
Malfoy girls were rare, but they did had been tiny Casseopeia, Draco's little sister who only lived a few days. Draco pushed the memory of her little pink wrinkled face down and shoved it into her small pink trunk lest he cry in front of his father. That wouldn't go well. Malfoy men didn't cry. All Draco's energy was going into remaining impassive and yet he felt the fear starting to take hold of him as Lucius continued.
"Miss Granger, she is a pretty little thing isn't she? Clever, for a mudblood. Quite…feisty." Lucius' laugh was evil, throwing his head back as if he'd just told a clever joke.
Draco felt his lip quiver as he thought of Granger's pretty amber eyes and wild chocolate curls. He tried to pull himself together by biting his inner cheek as his father put his face in Draco's, grabbing his collar and shaking him. "You are not to touch her," he hissed at Draco. "You are not to think about touching her. I promise, I will know if you do. You are my heir and I have no spare. Your mother's inability to bear more sons has seen to that. If you sully our line by fucking any mudbloods, I will kill them, brutally, and in front of you." Draco's breath caught as he focused on holding perfectly still.
"I may even rape them first for my own entertainment." Draco could feel the bile coming up his throat at his father's words. "I might even Imperius you and make you help me."
Images of Granger dead at his father's hands, or worse at his own unwilling hands flashed in Draco's mind so visceral that his fingers began to shake. His eyes began to tear up and he desperately attempted to shove them into her black trunk that was hidden in his mind. Lucius was so close to Draco that he could smell the liquor on his father's breath.
Draco knew that he had to stay calm, neutral like these directives were no bother, but it was difficult to do with his father's huge hand tight on his collar, crushing the starched black fabric in his grip.
Lucius was hopefully too drunk to attempt legilimency. Sweet Salazar let that be the case, Draco begged internally. His shields weren't strong enough to keep him out with all the emotional turmoil this conversation had caused.
Lucius' hand that had been on his collar wrapped around Draco's throat gripping, tight and painful. Lucius raised him up until only the tips of Draco's toes desperately sought the earth, but could not find purchase. Hot tears from the pain were running down Draco's face. against his will, he began to break down. Fury over the sight of this sign of weakness flashed in his father's eyes.
"Do you understand me, Draco?" Lucius kept his hand tight on Draco's throat, fingers bruising the pale flesh there, watching coldly as his only son and heir struggled to inhale. Draco's vision started to go black around the edges. As suddenly as he had begun, Lucius roughly released his punishing grip so that the boy could answer him.
"...Yes…..sir…" Draco choked out, his throat burning. Lucius shoved Draco away from him with disgust. Stumbling, Draco put his hands on his knees sucking in air desperately and didn't see his father pull out his wand.
"Just to be sure the lesson sticks…Crucio."
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Group counseling commenced with significantly less trepidation that morning, with most of the participants taking the time to eat a real meal, Theo noted. There were now chairs evenly spaced at each of the four circles waiting for the students. Everyone sat in their seats quickly, not floating in small groups as they had done the day before. The chatter was contained to only speaking with the person to their left or their right.
Everyone came to immediate attention, as Mind Healer Cordelia strode into the center of their circle and raised the wards. With their undivided attention, the healer gave the group a warm welcoming smile.
"Good morning everyone." Most of the group chiming a 'good morning' back to her. "We are going to start this morning with a grounding exercise that is great for panic attacks." The majority of the circle immediately had even more attentive and curious looks on their faces; it was clear that this was a common issue amongst them.
"The first step is to look around and name five things that you can see. For instance," she said using her hand to indicate where she was referring as she made her list. "I can see the chalk circle, the refreshment table, the stone of the courtyard, the clouds above us and my healer robes." She paused, waiting for the students to find their own things they could see.
Theo took a deep breath and looked around. He could see Pansy's smart bob hair cut, Blaise's green fitted blazer, leaning forward, Luna's radish earrings, and around the circle Draco's silver eyes that matched the clouds above. Was that two things or one? He also saw Granger's curls shoved into a messy bun with her wand in them. He was pretty sure that was five.
"The second step is to focus on four things that you can feel. Suppose that you notice how the cool Scottish morning air feels on your face or how your clothes feel on your skin. It can be helpful to say these things out loud when you are in the midst of a panic attack, such as 'I can feel the chair that I am sitting on.'" Cordelia gave them a few moments and she walked around the circle encouraging them to attempt to come up with at least one right then. Theo ran his hands over his chest, smiling to himself, he watched Hermione's eyes flicker to his fingers as he played with his signet ring and then look away biting her lip. Ah, there we go, he thought, pleased at the fire in his dorm mates' eyes. Outloud he said, "I feel the fabric of my shirt and my chest underneath it," as Cordelia came around. She smiled and nodded approvingly at him.
In the category of things I would like to feel, Theo thought, Granger's messy curls on my chest as she rides me, Draco's cock cumming on my tongue and the sharp sting of Pansy's nails drawing blood. If only I could have all three at the same time. Now that would be a proper good time. Theo hummed contentedly at the vision, the smile on his face having little to do with the group therapy. Pansy looked over at him with a suspicious look, raising her eyebrow. She was quite familiar with the sorts of things that made him hum. He flashed her his best smile, she sighed, rolling her eyes before returning her attention to Cordelia.
"Alright, the third step is to name three things that you can hear around you. For example, you may be aware of some birds chirping in a nearby tree, the sound of the wind going over the roof of the castle, perhaps ghosts speaking in the hall, or even the sound of my voice." Cordelia held up three fingers and waited to give people a chance to complete this part of the exercise. Theo could hear Pansy exhaling nervously, his own heartbeat and Luna's foot tapping on the ground. As he glanced over at the blonde Ravenclaw, she looked as far away as ever, but that tapping foot gave away the state of her nerves. He'd never even attempt to guess what was on her mind, he'd never in a thousand tries get that right. Probably something to do with her invisible creatures, Theo conjectured.
"The fourth step is to notice two things that you can smell right now. If you aren't able to smell anything around you, then it can be helpful to name two or three smells that you like such as roses or fresh coffee." She again waited while the teens thought about comforting smells or sniffed at the air like werewolves.
Pansy leaned over and let Theo sniff her wrist. Mmmm lilacs, Theo inhaled, pressing his lips briefly to the delicate pale skin there, his tongue sneaking out to taste her pulse. Pansy snatched her arm away and scowled at him. Theo grinned at her like the cat that got the cream and winked, not feeling guilty in the slightest.
Pansy shook her head and smiled in spite of herself, before leaning over and letting Luna smell her wrist. Luna's foot tapping stopped immediately, and Theo saw her inhale Pansy's perfume, closing her eyes with a look that lacked passion but held a glimmer of nostalgia.
When Theo glanced around the circle, he realized that both Hermione and Draco's eyes were on him. Theo gave Draco a look that he hoped let the blonde know that he'd love to taste his skin as well, his smile slow and sensual. Draco's eyes flickered to Theo's mouth and clouded with lust briefly before the Malfoy heir shook himself, his attention forcibly turned back to Cordelia, his fingernails digging into his thighs as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
Hermione was staring at Theo and then at Pansy and then at Theo again like they were a puzzle that she was trying to divine an answer to. Theo happened to know that Granger was shite at divination; it was probably the only thing she was actually shite at. There are more things on heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Theo gave her the same sensual smile that he had given Draco, and watched in pleasure as a lovely blush spread over those freckled cheeks. She was worrying that lower lip between her teeth again, and her gaze flicked to Draco before she blushed even more and then stared off into the courtyard, trying not to make eye contact with anyone. He had gotten her flustered, how splendid. It took everything in him not to clap with pleasure and grin in satisfaction.
"Finally, the fifth step is to focus on one thing that you can taste. If you can't taste anything, then instead you can choose to name a taste that you like. For example, today everyone just had breakfast. I imagine you may still be able to taste something from earlier. You don't need to share it with me." Cordelia nodded as everyone did as they were told. Theo decided to think about tastes that he liked and Merlin knew there was more than one. Pansy's sweet cunt came to mind immediately, but the taste of Draco's sweat beading over his Sectumsempra scars was assuredly another favourite of his. Theo stroked his bottom lip with his thumb deep in thought. There was no way he would ever be able to pick just one. Theo peered over at Hermione, who still was lost in her own thoughts. What would her skin taste like? Would the skin behind her ear taste like salt or gardenias like the shampoo he had found in their shared bathroom? How would the flavor of her cunt compare to Pansy's? So many interesting questions to ponder.
Theo quite liked this exercise. He felt exceptionally calm, if more than a little ready for a rough shag.
Between Pansy's hard limits and taking it easy on the still virginal if not exactly chaste Draco, Theo was in need of his own release. It was really too bad that Blaise wasn't interested in wizards, he'd definitely be a good hard shag with no expectations afterwards. Theo was definitely emotionally invested in what he was doing with Pansy, Draco and very interested in seeing what could happen with Hermione, so if he messed around with anyone else it needed to be clearly casual. Luna was the other ethical non-monogamy advocate he knew, but despite their occasional sexual banter, he really saw her more like a relative, not a sister, though maybe a cousin too closely related to date. Regardless, Theo needed to get himself sorted.
After it seemed that everyone had completed the exercise or pretended to, Healer Cordelia brought their attention back to her. "I am so proud of all of you for showing up today. I know yesterday was not an easy day, but I am happy you are all present and ready to do the work with me. And let's not fool ourselves, healing is work!"
"We are going to start our narrative exposure therapy now. Basically, you are each going to create a lifeline scroll with the events that have gotten you here to this point in your life. Framing this I want to say that I belong to a school of thought that believes that reality is a shifting, changing and deeply personal concept. Having a narrative–a story–helps us make sense of our experiences. While those of you here have had many shared experiences, your interpretations of those shared experiences are going to vary widely."
Cordelia waved her wand and a scroll from her tote bag flew behind each of the ten group members. She began speaking as each scroll found a student. "These lifeline scrolls are enchanted to take the narrative stories each of you share in the group and add your stories to your lifeline image. Positive events become flowers and events you perceive negatively become stones." Theo watched Hermione unroll her scroll to study it as Healer Cordelia continued. "We can change the size and shape of these images when we work together in individual therapy which I strongly encourage each member of this group to seek out," Cordelia said, smiling warmly.
"Our starting point in this will be everyone sharing their earliest memories. Usually these will be with your family, good, bad, neutral. No judgments on what others share, just focus on listening and being present when it's not your turn." With that, Cordelia gestured to Hannah to begin.
The blonde Hufflepuff, Hannah Abbott, seemed nervous to be the first to go. She spoke quickly, staring at the ground while she shared. "My first memory is my dad doing some potion work in the kitchen and my mum trying to get him to hurry up so she could make dinner. He lifted her up and kissed her and told her to get some takeaway from the village because he would be hours yet. My mum took me with her and it was the first time I ever visited the muggle village near our house."
Next to her, Susan Bones, Hannah's fellow Hufflepuff, tried to catch her friend's eye and give her a supportive smile. When Hannah did not look up, Susan sighed and quickly said, "My dad and mum took me to Diagon Alley and I got chocolate ice cream at Fortescue's." She shrugged as though her memory wasn't very meaningful, but Theo felt a frisson of jealousy burn through him. If only his first memory could be something so pure and innocent.
Tapping his long dark hands on his thigh, Dean Thomas was the next speaker. He spoke slowly as though he was visualizing the memory, "My mum and dad's wedding. My dad is my step-dad, but he's the only real dad I've ever had. I was the ringbearer. The suit was itchy, the collar too tight and the flower girl, my cousin Beatrice, tried to trip me on purpose, but I didn't lose the rings, so all's well, I suppose."
Appearing nervous, Hermione pulled wand out of her hair and redid the bun, wrapping her curls around themselves and shoving the wand back through them. Clearing her throat and lifting her chin to give her an air of confidence, she spoke. "My first memory is my dad reading a book of fairytales to me by the fire. I think it was Andrew Lang's Blue Fairy Book. And I fell asleep in his lap." Theo couldn't help but watch transfixed as she tried to cover up the fact that her hands were shaking, whether it was from anxiety, taking too many cruciatus curses or needing a drink, he wasn't sure. He wished he could have offered her the distraction of a strong orgasm and a good drink this morning, or vice versa. Salazar, she looked stunning this morning, despite her fragility. Those curls might kill him, and he'd die a happy man.
Next to Hermione, Luna had a far off look on her face. "My mum was working in her lab," she said in her dreamy way. "I was in a bassinet and she was singing to me while she sorted potion ingredients on her work table. I mostly remember the feelings my mother evoked in me. I just felt so safe and loved. The sun was shining through the window and I remember my toes feeling warm." Luna noticed Theo's regard across the circle and smiled at him. He smiled back, flashing her a dimple and a quick wink.
"My first memory is Ranunclus, my older brother, and I playing in the nursery at home. I am not even sure what we were playing now, but I think we had toy Abraxans - the winged horses you know? I don't know, but it's a fun, pleasant memory." Pansy looked painfully uncomfortable at being asked to share. Considering how difficult her relationship with her brother was now, Theo was sure him being her first memory was not something she was happy about.
Suddenly Theo realized it was his turn as everyone was silently watching him. Theo turned pleadingly to Cordelia, who had come to stand next to him. "Are we really going here? Already? Everyone's stories have been so nice so far. I feel like I am going to fuck up the vibe."
"Theodore," Cordelia said soothingly, "not everyone's first memories are going to be pleasant and that's okay. No judgment remember? That means no judgment on yourself either. Just be honest and present."
Theo let out a big exhale, wondering if his hands were shaking like Granger's had been before he began speaking. "I wish I had a cigarette," He grumbled, clearing his throat. "So, there I was sitting on the floor in my mother's tea room. I had to have been two, maybe three. My father comes in and he's livid. No idea about what. I've got a picture book next to my mother's chair. I vividly recall the book. It was about magical creatures, one of the ones where the paintings move and it shows their babies…I remember seeing my hands holding the book."
He looked down into his hands, as if he could feel the book there now. "My father was screaming and he took his arm and sent all the tea set and food crashing towards my mother and I. The teapot shattered when it hit the arm of my mother's chair. Hot tea and broken pieces of teapot hit me and it felt like I was on fire. I was looking at a picture of a dragon and I thought at first it had burned me. My mother yelled at my father to get out. He backhanded her and split her lip," Theo said, touching the same ring now on his finger that had caused the damage, "but did as she said. I remember her lifting me up and cuddling me while she did healing spells on my face and arms. She missed a spot and I still have a small scar on my clavicle from some of the pottery." He touched the spot subconsciously and looked around. Nothing quite like rehashing his childhood abuse to kill his mood, Theo thought.
"Sorry for being the buzzkill everyone." Theo looked up and saw Draco's intense gaze on his face; he wished that he could bury his face in his dragon's neck and weep. Sharing this kind of personal information always made him feel vulnerable. Vulnerability was not something that Theodore Nott was fond of feeling; vulnerability almost always presaged pain, and not the fun kind.
Draco's hands were clenched in fists and his entire body was tense, as Theo finished sharing. As much as he wished no one understood his childhood misery of having an abusive father, Draco did, all too well. But where Lucius had been a cruel bastard, Thoros Nott was a true homicidal madman. If Theo hadn't been the sole heir to the Ancient and Noble House of Nott, his father would have killed him years ago. The scars and burns that were all over Theo's chest and back burned underneath their glamour, the evidence of the years of severe abuse he had endured at his father's hands only hidden never truly banished.
Theo gave Draco a half smile, before his gaze was drawn to Granger on the opposite side of the circle.
Her eyes were bright with tears and she was biting her lower lip as she stared at him like she had never seen him before. The last thing he wanted was her pity, but that wasn't the feeling he got from her. No, she wasn't pitying him. She was angry; her hair had grown frizzier and buzzed with wild magic. Her eyebrows were drawn down, and like Draco, her hands were in fists. He'd give all his galleons to be able to read her thoughts. Granger looked every inch an avenging angel. If the bastard hadn't been in Azkaban, Theo might have been worried for his father.
Theo looked away from Hermione and saw Pansy smiling at him reassuringly. Pansy knew all about his home life; their relationship didn't allow for many secrets between one another. The way he was treated wasn't so different from how her father had treated her older brother until he had risen to expectations, something Theo had never wanted to do. To be fair, Mr. Parkinson just wanted a Pureblood elitist for a son, Thoros Nott was hoping for another genocidal maniac. Theo was genuinely quite happy to have been an embarrassment in that regard.
Blaise, to the right of Theo, waited until the group had a couple of minutes to properly absorb what Theo had said. Only his close friends had known what a right bastard his father had been and now it seemed that secret was out. Once it seemed everyone had processed his story, Cordelia looked at Blaise encouragingly and motioned for him to continue.
Clearing his throat and lacing his fingers behind his head, Blaise started. "I was on the balcony of our house in Italy. It's in Atrani, on the Amalfi coast and the sea was sparkling blue. I saw merfolk, but I didn't want to go tell anyone lest they vanish when I looked away, so I just stood there until they disappeared."
Next to Blaise, Draco kicked his own leg restlessly. Theo watched as he struggled with speaking to the group. The internal battle played across a face that likely looked impassive to everyone else in the circle, but Theo knew that Draco fought against his reserved nature and natural desire for privacy in order to be seen as properly participating in the therapy session, knowing that this would reflect well for his upcoming trial. Finally, the pressure to participate won out over Draco's natural reticence. "My very first memory is being in the rose garden at the Manor with my mother. I was sitting on a green blanket and she kept bringing me cut blossoms to smell. I think I remember the smell the most, but I do recall that she passed me roses of several different colours. She asked me the name of each colour and when I got them right, she patted my cheek and told me that I was so clever. It is one of my best memories of her, actually."
Theo watched Draco close his eyes, the desire to occlude evident in the tension in his whole body, but instead the blonde did some deep breathing and opened his eyes, the colour still quicksilver and none of the stone of occlumency. It seemed that the warning of overusing occlumency hadn't been missed by his favorite blonde.
Longbottom was last and Theo was shocked to his core when Neville stated tonelessly, "My earliest memory is the sound of my mother screaming. It must have been when she was being tortured by the Lestranges and Barty Crouch Jr, but that's all I remember. I don't know whether I was in my crib or pram, or if I was in another room all together, or if I was there watching it. I just remember the sound of her screams. How they just went on and on and on, which is mad really. I was only a little baby, but those screams…they stick with you. There is a reason the Cruciatus is unforgivable." All the Slytherins nodded knowingly, while everyone had been exposed to it by the Carrows last year, the Cruciatus was a common punishment amongst Death Eaters. They used it on their wives, their children, their comrades in arms. Their violence was not confined to their enemies.
Death Eaters were violence incarnate, Theo thought, shivering, anyone willing to cruciatus or imperius curse a supposed loved one was a special slice of evil.
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Rebuilding
The trauma of yesterday's discovery was in the forefront of most of the students' minds and when a group of six strangers with large dogs came through the Hogwarts gates, there was no shortage of shocked faces amongst the crowd. Blaise was waiting by the gate with Headmistress McGonagall, pleased to see his cousin by marriage and her team appear.
When they came near, Blaise dropped his normal elegant bored demeanor and ran forward, embracing his petite cousin tightly. It had been too long. His relation to her was through his seventh stepfather who, conveniently, had not been well liked by his extended family so his untimely demise had been barely remarked upon. Blaise and his mother had continued to be invited to family events and Blaise had maintained the connection.
"Ciao mia bella cugina, " Blaise said, kissing her on each cheek. "Lucia, how are you? So glad your team was available to help with the clean up here."
"Così felice di vederti cugino," the stunning brunette Italian witch smiled up at him, her cocoa skin shining under the Scottish sun, "It's so good to see you. No building collapses and no earthquakes mean we are between jobs. It's convenient that the muggle members of the team were brought in on the Statute of Secrecy after that bridge collapse during the war. Makes things much easier, I just used to Confundus charm them before." Her comment had Blaise throwing his head back laughing. The large German Shepherd backed up behind her and transformed into a very tall blonde man, who was fully dressed with a snap of his fingers.
"Hallo Hans! Wie geht es dir?" Blaise greeted his cousin's husband, "I had forgotten that you would be working with the team in a different suit." The huge German towered over Blaise who was not a short young man, casting no doubt on Hans' frequent assertion that he had vikings in his family tree. And while he was several inches taller than Blaise, he was two feet or more taller than his petite wife. Blaise could see that the two of them had made quite an impression on the onlookers.
"Hallo der Vetter Blaise," the man laughed and clapped him on the shoulder so hard that Blaise nearly fell over. The animagus grinned, his sandy blonde hair falling down into his face, "I am pleased to be here helping your school. This was a fine idea that you had. Ich bin stolz auf dich." Lucia must have told Hans that Blaise was secretly covering the costs of the team so that the Hogwarts Board of Governors didn't have to be involved. According to McGonnagal during their tête-à-tête, the School Governors had barely approved the expense of the summer therapy program; Blaise was unsurprised at that revelation. The board was primarily made up of Purebloods, Blaise doubted that they even knew what therapy was.
Blaise looked behind him and saw the half-giant Hagrid had wandered up and was speaking with McGonagall. The two of them conferred briefly and then Hagrid stepped forward and whispered overly loudly to Blaise, "Mr. Zabini, can you introduce me, I'd like to meet the doggos." Lucia, of course, could hear him perfectly well.
"Signor Hagrid," Lucia greeted formally, "I am Lucia Bianchi, the lead handler. I have heard of you from our mutual friend, Charlie Weasley. Piacere di conoscerla. This is my husband Hans Schäfer." Hans shook Hagrid's hand vigourously.
"Charlie speaks very highly of you Herr Hagrid," Hans said, "Please come meet the dogs and their handlers. I will be a dog again later once we are working. You are certainly willkommen to come and give me some ear scratches at that time." Hagrid and Hans headed over to the rest of the team, and Blaise excused himself as McGonagal came over to speak with Lucia.
Blaise went and stood with the rest of his Slytherin compatriots and smiled knowingly at Theo's confused expression.
McGonagal called the students to attention, "Good afternoon everyone. We are going to be hosting some guests for a week or so. This is a search and rescue team whose canine companions are trained to also locate the deceased, or parts of them. The goal of bringing the crew in is for you students not to be further traumatized by discoveries like yesterday. Since we have a professional team today, I am releasing all students for the afternoon. You may visit Hogsmeade unless your probation doesn't permit it. And of course, students who are interested in learning more about the recovery team are welcome to stay. It's a respectable magical career for those with NEWTs in Care of Magical Creatures and Charms. This team works closely with the DMLE. While there are muggle members of the team, they have all been inducted into the Statute of Secrecy, but still please be polite." With that last, McGonagall gave all the Pureblood students of every house a stern look and Blaise barely contained his laughter, when she nodded in his direction.
The majority of the students left quickly, either immediately in the direction of Hogsmeade or back to their dorms, to get whatever they needed. The Slytherins and a group of Gryffindors were the only ones that remained, with Luna Lovegood floating in between the two groups, dreamily looking towards Hogsmeade and then at the team of dogs and their handlers..
Pansy excused herself with a swift kiss to Theo's cheek, a hug for Blaise and a pat of Draco's cheek, causing him to smile at her in surprise. "I'm going to see if I can schedule an individual therapy appointment and see if I can set up to volunteer for Madam Pomfrey," She told the Slytherin boys, "I need to make sure I am doing everything I can to look good for my trial." Draco nodded in understanding.
Blaise smiled, "Good luck, Pans, I hope it's successful. I think I want to stay and watch my cousin's team work."
"Pansy," Luna called, "I'll come with you. I wanted to talk with Madam Pomfrey about getting on the Potion." Blaise nearly choked on his own breath and looked at Lovegood with renewed interest. She was looking especially lovely today with her pale blonde tresses pulled back by a headband decorated with fabric strawberries and a coordinated blue jumper also covered in embroidered strawberries. She did look good enough to eat, Blaise thought, would her kisses taste sweet?
Blaise was pulled out of his reverie by Theo cackling. "Luna, you never disappoint."
"Oh you're welcome, Theodore," the petite blonde said, taking Pansy by the elbow, "So glad to know that you find my female reproductive health amusing." She gave him a bland look that made Blaise wonder if she actually wasn't as out of it as she often seemed. Did she just give Theo a setdown?
Blaise couldn't help but let his eyes follow the Ravenclaw as she walked away with Pansy.
"Interested in Lovegood, Blaise?" Theo asked, throwing his arm over his friend's shoulder. "Pansy said she was an absolute freak in bed, but I wasn't sure she fancied wizards. If she's going on the Potion, she definitely has a specific wizard in mind. Could that be you mate?"
Blaise shoved Theo's arm off his shoulders, "Nott, Lovegood and I have spoken twice."
"That's never stopped you from getting in a witch's knickers," Theo pointed out. Blaise found that logic both accurate and uncomfortable in Lovegood's particular case. He really had no desire to examine why that was.
"So," Blaise said, eager to change the subject, "are you two staying with me to watch?"
"Well I can't go to Hogsmeade," Draco said, "And this is definitely more interesting than any alternative this afternoon."
Blaise looked over and saw that the straggling Gryffindors - Longbottom, Granger, Thomas and Finnegan - had opted to stay and watch the recovery team work. They sat together on stacks of building supplies, watching the dogs sniff and paw through the rubble.
Minerva transfigured some small coffins to be used, and body parts were placed in them as they were found. Flitwick charmed the lids of the coffins to identify the name of whoever's body part (or parts) were within.
It wasn't long before Draco hopped from his seat to help the cadaver team by moving the debris and stacking it with magic. After a few minutes, Theo joined him, with Blaise following shortly after. Neville watched them impassively lifting and stacking debris. It didn't take long before he moved over to where the Slytherin boys were working.
"Can I help?" Neville asked as Draco and Blaise worked together to move a particularly large piece of stone.
Grinning, Theo nodded his head, "Of course Longbottom. Never turn down the help of a lad with such a famous sword swing." He winked and went back to levitating a stack of bricks so that it sat in a neat pile next to other similar bricks.
Neville blushed, the innuendo not lost on him, but got into the rhythm of their process.
"Oi, Nott, can me and Dean give you a hand as well?" Finnegan asked.
"I don't see why not, " Theo said, trying to maintain his flow and interchange in the spellwork, "we do have a whole damn castle to rebuild." The two Gryffindors joined with Longbottom and began stacking the stones from the area that the recovery team had already marked clear with some green flags.
"All this time, Zabini, I thought we were friends. Do you know how useful having a dog that can find dead bodies would have been growing up? Some of those skeletons in the closet wouldn't have stayed hidden for quite so long," Theo laughed, as he waved his wand, carefully relocating what had been nothing but debris on the ground to the orderly stockpiles that the next phase of repairs would need.
"Nott, my mother keeps them busy enough on her own with her body count. What makes you think they would have had time for your father as well?" Blaise replied, causing the Gryffindors in the group to look between the two Slytherins in shock.
"Yes, well that is the only downside of becoming stepfather number, what would it be now, fifteen?" Theo said, smirking at the Gryffindors' reactions.
"Eleventh," Blaise corrected, with a wink, "is still alive and Mamma is uncommonly fond of him. He may last a few more years yet."
"As long as you're trying to marry Blaise's mother and leaving mine alone, I'd gladly buy you cadaver dogs, Theo," Draco chimed in.
"Drayyyyyco," Theo comically stretched out his name, "Don't be cross that you have the fittest mum in our social circle. That's not my fault. A man has eyes, yeah."
Neville laughed in surprise, and Blaise figured this was an unprecedented situation for the Gryffindor; to be amongst Slytherins in an amiable mood.
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Draco ignored Theo as he started animatedly talking about his mother's many physical charms to the Gryffindors. His eyes drifted to where Granger was working about twenty yards away. Tears ran down her face as she stood by herself with her wand held out in front of her. When her face turned slightly, Draco quickly busied himself by rebuilding part of the cobble stone pillar to pretend that he hadn't been watching her. He couldn't comfort her, that would never be his place.
Draco Malfoy could never hold Hermione Granger while she cried no matter how much he wanted to. Instead, he clenched his hand around his wand until his knuckles were white and little crescents of blood burned on his palm.
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Moonrise over the Forbidden Forest was a beautiful sight from the Astronomy tower. It was early in the evening, and rather than going to eat dinner, Hermione was in the Astronomy tower watching the sky over the Forbidden Forest. She held the edge of the wall near one of the arched windows in a grasp that had a nail breaking as she clutched at the stone.
Her other hand lifted her flask of firewhisky, bringing it to her lips and taking a deep draw of the burning liquid. She released her hold on the wall and stood in the center of the window letting the strong Scottish wind push against her, closing her eyes as she drowned in the sensation. It felt like the wind could seize her and send her over the edge.
"Why am I alive when so many have died? What makes me so special that I got to survive?". She allowed herself to say the words aloud that she had so often thought in her mind.
Really, what did it matter? Her parents were lost somewhere in Australia, not even knowing they had a daughter.
Harry had Ginny. Ron had his family and his groupies. None of them needed or wanted her, not really.
Who was counting on Hermione Granger to live another day? No one. The war was over and her usefulness to her friends was at an end.
Thinking she was completely alone, Hermione took another swig from her flask. Leaning over the railing, Hermione peered down at the distant cobblestones. She wondered how long the fall would take before she would reach the bottom. Would it take long enough that she would feel like she was floating, or would it just be a free fall. The thought of watching the flash of night sky before she reached the bottom before nothing was uncomfortably soothing. Everything would go black, nothing, just over.
"What the fuck, Granger?" Malfoy's voice suddenly called out from far behind her, causing her to jump slightly in her surprise. "You seriously want to retraumatize everyone by throwing yourself off the Astronomy Tower? How about just fucking not. You are the bloody Golden Girl. Gryffindor Princess. Head Girl. Pull it the fuck together, yeah?"
After the shock of his sudden appearance had worn off, Hermione hissed, angrily. "Fuck you Malfoy. What do you fucking care if I pitch myself off this tower?"
"I care because you bloody matter," Malfoy shouted, throwing his hands in the air. "You are brilliant and you are gonna do amazing fucking things…and change the world."
"I helped win a war, it is likely all downhill from here, Malfoy," Hermione sneered, a perfect imitation of how he had looked at her for so many years .
"You did, but you know what, you are going to keep on making the world a better place."
"You don't know what you are talking about! I am not some perfect person up on a pedestal! You think just because you were on the wrong side that you're the only person who did things you can't take back. You don't know anything about me, Draco Malfoy! You don't know the things I had to sacrifice and who I had to hurt and what it took to win!" Hermione shouted at him, grabbing her flask and taking yet another swig from it.
Draco ignored her and kept on, yelling at her "The things you did? You think what you did was so bad that it justifies ending yourself? You saved the world, Granger! The kind of person who should be up here considering throwing themselves off this tower is someone like me…a failure. Everyone would be better off if I just get sentenced to Azkaban next month. You are a hero Granger, leave the suicide to us villains."
Eyes widening as he realized that he had let his tongue get ahead of him, Malfoy turned and fled before Hermione could respond.
Left to ponder Malfoy's words, Hermione couldn't help but feel confused. She turned out and looked back over the night sky, the same one that she'd just so recently been thinking might be her last view.
As quickly as her plans to chuck herself from the tower came, the passion Malfoy had shown for her life made her think that maybe she did have something to live for, at least for now. She couldn't let the mystery of Draco Malfoy thinking her life was worth something after all his years of abuse go uninvestigated. What had happened to the boy who had wished the basilisk would kill her? To be fair, what had happened to the two boys who swore to be her best friends no matter what?
There was nothing quite like curiosity to give Hermione a sense of purpose, she could not die with something undiscovered, but tantalizingly within her reach.
Tucking her flask into her bag, Hermione walked back down the tower, and off towards the head's dorm.
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Granger passed Draco where he had hidden in an alcove near the stairwell to the Astronomy Tower. His back pressed against the stone wall, he hoped that he was concealed enough that his pale hair wouldn't be obvious to her.
He had been counting the seconds since he'd left her alone. If she hadn't come down soon, he'd resolved himself to go back up there and make sure she was safe. Convince her to come down, carry her if he had to.
Panic had begun to set in, when she finally wandered past his hiding spot. Wand in her hand, she looked more lost in thought than the tense hypervigilance he was used to from Gryffindor's Princess.
Once her footsteps had faded away, Draco went back up the stairs and pulled out the joint that he had gotten from Blaise. He sat and looked out at the Hogwarts skyline. Smoking alone, he worked on the breathing exercises he'd learned from Healer Cordelia. Nothing in this tower can hurt me. Aunt Bella is dead. Greyback is dead. Granger isn't killing herself today.
Thank Salazar he had come up here when he had, and hadn't delayed a few more minutes talking with Blaise. He couldn't imagine coming up here to smoke while her body was below sprawled on the stones; broken, bloodied, and lifeless. No one would ever believe he hadn't killed her, not even with Veritaserum.
The Golden Girl, taking her own life? The thought would have been unheard of, especially to her oblivious friends.
His heart fluttered and his hand shook at the possibility that it could still happen. Where were her bloody friends, the dimwitted duo? Did anyone see that she was falling apart? Did a single one of them even care?
He only ever saw her with Longbottom, Lovegood, Thomas and Finnegan. Why hadn't Saint Potter and the Weasel returned with her? Even if those two were basking in their newfound hero status, where was the Weaselette?
Draco knew he was going to have to talk to Theo and Pansy about Granger - what he'd walked in on and what to do about it. He definitely couldn't handle this by himself. The only things he knew how to do were to get her upset or to run away from her. Neither of those were going to be particularly helpful, especially if she was really suicidal.
Draco drew up his legs and wrapped his arms around them, putting his chin on top of his knees. Taking another drag, he let the smoke sit in his lungs until it burned, exhaling the smoke into the chilled Scottish air.
He didn't want to imagine a world that didn't have Hermione Granger in it.
Why couldn't things just get better?