I did not sleep.
How could I.
The path ahead was a mystery and one I lacked confidence in. This meal was likely the last we would enjoy before relying on scraps and what we could hunt, while the closer we got to Mordor the scarcer food shall become, for nothing grew or wandered there, nor was the water fresh but polluted by ash. That in itself will be enough to drive us to madness for I had seen people do terrible and stupid things over hunger, then adding wariness from travel and battle, will just worsen things even more, for there are those who would not be pulling their fair weight here, when trying to succeed in all this.
Four of those who bound to be a huge burden were the hobbits. Their little legs would not match our long strides, they would also tire easier and their appetite from what I have just witnessed at this table was unsatisfiable. And what of fighting? If not a butter knife have they ever swung anything sharp to defend themselves with…we who were veterans on the battlefield will be honour bound to protect them, which was a hard thing to do while trying to save your own skin too, in order to make it to the next day.
I was souring this mission before it had even begun. But I couldn't help it. Nothing inspired me and I was questioning why I had given my word to join them, but an unimaginable force was working its way to destroy the world, which meant surely it must take an unimaginable challenger to overcome them…and what was more unimaginable than a hobbit climbing the volcanic rock of Mordor to be rid of the accursed ring.
I wondered if mister Baggins had it here with him now; if he did, I could not have guessed. The lad actually seemed to be in pleasant enough spirits, smiling and conversing with his friends who were joined in by the dwarve, who after my earlier insult was trying to improve the reputation of Thorin Oakenshield, who the halflings were no strangers too as I overheard them mention that a certain Bilbo, a kinsman of theirs, has brought them up with stories of the legendary king under the mountain.
I tuned them out after a while with nothing else piquing my interest as the elf Legolas mingled with his own, while the ranger/would be king of Gondor slipped away a short moment ago, leaving the wizard alone with lord Elrond, who again both seemed to be staring rather intently and disapprovingly at me and Boromir, ever since the meeting ended.
For two separate reasons I believed, the Elf and wizard were where I was concerned, still typical males, where it must be that they would rather I had stayed silent and followed in their council and agree prettily at the side-lines. Well, I say damn them both. Equally, I have sacrificed much to join this company the same as the rest of them, knowing the cost of our failure and that the odds do not weigh in our favour, however even after all my doubts i am willing to at least try for the sake if all I hold dear. I did not need them judging me when they did not in fact know me.
As for Boromir… I watched him sip his wine silently. I couldn't understand why he captivated me so, when all the other strangers here, if anything, aggravated me and who I remained hostile towards. Yet I managed to pick up on the details of his character without purposefully trying to. The way he slumped in his chair, too exhausted to care for posture, when a seat was meant for comfort, that he took the goblet by the rim of the cup instead of the stem, with a gaze cast downward. I could tell his mind was like my own, heavy with thought that it seemed impossible for our necks to keep us level. when I looked at him, I saw that he was plagued by the ticking of a clock every second, every minute and hour counted as he waited in fear to see which would be the last for his people.
He was desperate and I was no fool to ignore how that can be a dangerous thing. The elf and wizard were maybe right to be wary of his intentions. Boromir was the perfect specimen for the ring to target. suspicion was rife in the air but I could not join it despite my better sense than that. I blamed it on our meeting on the road, his crooked smile, his friendliness and charm…the ability I had to speak freely with him. it all added to me being given a glimmer of the true heart that lay within him, now somehow having just met him…I refused to betray Boromir by damning him like the others seemed to have done.
Suddenly, I wished that Erin and even Merith were here to distract me.
All there were, was just the loud persistent munching of the hobbits and dwarves competing to find who could devour the most food. Earlier, Erin had a good run at it, but she came nowhere close and left in a huff when I was not co-operating with her jesting, as it was forced compared to her usual natural humour. She couldn't cope with the tense atmosphere finding me worse than the icy shieldmaiden she was bunking with apparently since she retreated from me side to join Merith and has stayed there ever since.
I did get a peep out of the madwoman about what she thought if me actions taken today, but i did not think it boded well when Merith soon as the meeting finished, went straight to her room without a verdict and has stayed there ever since.
I did not disturb her.
Even if she had given her disagreements and scolded me for what she would have done better in my stead, it would not change anything now of course. what is done is done, and I would not go back on my oath. but their silence was not expected and not why they were in attendance. I didn't know whether to take it as a reassurance I did well or were they too ashamed to say and in truth, it worried me because of how it might affect my reputation among the shieldmaidens…
Soon as I brought my vanity into things, i gave no pardon and immediately retired for the night.
For the longest time, I just sat out on the balcony waiting for the sun to rise when I was done in the hall. Thankfully, Boromir did not do the same. staying where I could not see him, which gave me the peace to be alone. A luxury I wouldn't have again for some time which if I was honest wasn't something I was used to anyway. not in a fortress filled with girls and women. I had been trained by their side, fierce in our abilities to amount to more than what our gentler sex traditionally meant. It would take some adjusting to be the lone woman now and likely to clash over the most meagre of things if my other run-ins with men proved anything.
I knew I had to try and get along. To build a comradeship that in turn will form a stable foundation for our success. If we were at each other's throats constantly, failure was much more likely and we had to trust that we had one another's back, as it could mean life or death.
Before I knew it, there was a soft knock and I answered it to the elf who had led me to the meeting. In tow they carried new provisions I would need and some to replace what I had used in the journey to get here. grateful, I sorted through them to prepare myself for the long journey and stopped in my tracks.
"forgive me, but might I ask for something else?" I inquired.
The sun was brilliant in the sky and I put my faith in the notion that it was a good omen, catching my sisters beneath the shade of a tree with their mares. I knew they would not linger when I departed, just as I would want it to be, for they must tell the shieldmaidens what had happened here and let them prepare for the threat of Mordor and Isengard. From now on I would expect Clyro to be on high alert with regular patrols around our borders…but it was no longer for me to decide that.
I inclined my head, at ease with the decision I made after stewing on it some more. I could only blame fate, a greater force than I and I must follow where it leads me, as I wouldn't do so without a pure intent, therefore faith should see that this quest will keep my family and my Clyro safe, to procure it a future.
Awkwardly, still not saying a word to me, I broke the ice with my genuine gratefulness, "I thank you sisters, for your loyalty to me. I hope I was worthy."
I did not want our parting to be on bad terms, even Merith as my fellow shield maid meant something dear to me, as our sisterhood was part of who I was. Like so many, when i was without a family, Clyro gifted me with one. Every memory I have there are dozens of faces looking back at me, providing undying support and love, strengthening my spirit in order to become everything that I am, so to be abandoned now, it would be enough to break me.
Leader or not, I was but one shield among a wall of many women with strong arms to defend all that we believed in. I have never forgotten that lesson.
Just as I was beginning to expect a rebuke as me reply, Merith and Erin exchanged a look then simultaneously unsheathed their blades and bowed their heads to the hilt of their weapons in tribute. It was a mark of respect that I had given to me a lot as leader, but beside when I first succeeded Gora, this instance was by far one of the most meaningful as it answered all my worries and cleansed me if all my fears.
Earnestly, Merith implored, "you did nothing in that meeting we would not have done ourselves. Gora would have been proud."
Shockingly, I think Merith had done her own reflecting for once. in her eyes I never met to her standard, competing with me at every turn, that it became exhausting to even be in her presence. Finally, she had awakened to and sympathised with my sacrifices that my role was not to be yearned for if you were smart enough and it often came too late for every leader, my self-included, but unfortunately it was a burden I must give away and I pushed through my childish pride to offer the cloak I carried to her.
"now she must guide you Merith."
My last request from the elf had been a replacement for this heirloom, a boring brown woollen material about my shoulders, which shall do the same job. for a cloak was just a cloak, to keep out the rain and cold. At least that is what I told myself in the mirror, ignoring the emptiness I felt to be without it. in the beginning when I first felt it around my body in victory, I felt invincible. An energy took hold which made me believe I could take on the world, with an amusement that it was a clear indicator that I was different from the rest. I was young, foolish and vain…duty humbled me, responsibility matured me, then all of a sudden, that cloak wasn't worn so effortlessly. I was weighed down by it, to ensure I remained grounded, dispersing my youth and aging me by thousands of years as I absorbed the wisdom of my forebearers and the true symbolism behind that cloak sunk in.
Without it, I felt empty…but I shall get used to it.
"I am sorry this is the circumstance I must pass it on to you. But I fear we have no time for a challenge by combat."
"shame!" Erin hissed loudly, kicking the dirt under her boots and twirling around. When she was bombarded by emotions, she never knew how to interpret them other than in her body, which could rarely keep still at the best of times. But when overwhelmed she paced, she jumped, she swung around and hit the nearest object, squealing and squeaking, like she was reverting back to her formal feral self when Gora found her in the woods as a child.
I couldn't comfort her, she didn't like to be touched and I would come away with a bite taken out my hand.
As for Merith, the colour had drained from her sharp cheeks, almost like I had hit her or was holding out a carcass she was appalled by and I could not blame her. I would not have been pleased myself to inherit the title leader in this manner. The tradition was a fight and a good one at that. Many will not be too accepting of this being an official way to suddenly now obey Merith's command rather than my own and she knew this.
Her jaw locked, elongating her face more and I waited for her to swing that sword at me which she had previously presented as a mark if respect before, "you are still our leader Sonya! I knew the moment you agreed to join this company what you planned and I refuse. it is not how I wanted to succeed you! Not the ways of our people!"
Erin's eyes were wide and accusing, clearly, she agreed and the two must have gone at lengths last night discussing this very matter. But this wasn't a light decision or something I was doing frivolously. I was fully aware of the impact this would have and the uproar that would shake Clyro's walls upon Merith's return, but in dire circumstances you had to do what was best and I had every confidence this was right.
Still toe to toe, I explained that "I will not be a leader separated from her people, never knowing when or if I shall return. the shieldmaiden's shall not wait for me. the world moves on and as should they. Besides, I have Brenna, whose challenge and victory over you will feel like my own."
That fiery little red head, who was ever my shadow. She will surpass me, each generation does, because we urge them to become better than us and they learn from our mistakes. I took her as far as I could in her training, she must continue down that path without me now and she was in good hands to do so, with that spark to go even further. I have every faith that this cloak will reach her shoulders one day, another reason why I give it away so willingly.
"Now kneel."
Reluctantly, Merith obeyed my last command her every muscle tense and rigid as I lay the cloak around her. I was sorry that the moment was not how she envisioned it, as there was no gladness as there had been for me when I was in her place and Gora mine.
"you will make it out alive."
That statement told me that she only did this because she intended to return the cloak to me. I was touched by the sentiment but did not entertain it too much. I would not show my face again in Clyro, after breaking tradition like this and possibly causing conflict. The leader was meant to unite the shield maids, not tear them apart, which was all I now promised to do for me sisters, undoing the work Merith has ahead of her.
With one final glance, I turned away to the other who shall feel my absence.
My ashen mare, I nuzzled her neck as she whinnied underneath my gentle touch, for the company will travel by foot, since the journey would take too treacherous a route that their speed would amount to very little when caution would be greatly needed. At some point it would mean abandoning them anyway, on the slithery paths of the mountains. A pony smaller in stature will be our only aid until then.
"we must say goodbye now too Greta. You were a noble mare and such adventures we shared. Now you must wait for someone else who is worthy or become your own mare and take to Rohan and roam how you see fit."
Her head jerked up and down, the latter being the more favourable idea I think if she understood a single word. I'd be happy for her either way.
"…it is with a heavy heart I leave you all now. stay safe, stay strong."