-He was a mess… but it's fine, they're both messes. (A super special epilogue to Scott Pilgrim: Takes off)-
"Open up Scott, I know you're in there!" Ramona exclaimed as she rapped her fist on the door.
"Nnno!" her husband (or whatever) replied belligerently.
Ramona's patience was wearing thinner by the second. Here she was making an effort to rectify whatever bull-s### has been going on between the two of them for the past 23 years, and still the love of her life was acting like that crazy hobo guy from treasure island on steroids!
"God damn it dude! We just went through that whole cathartic crap! I stopped you from killing the young us, I fuse with my younger self and get enlightened and s###; So, This is the part where we make up and s###. That's how it's supposed to go, dumbass!" she scolded while pounding on the door.
"Well I don't want to" came the muffled reply of the deranged pilgrim.
The woman pinched the bridge of her nose. She wasn't lying when she said that they needed to hash things out. For some reason the pair of them relapsed into their old crappy habits for over two decades, and it took until just 2 minutes ago for them to make any progress out of it.
As soon as she got back from that finale she went straight to her 8th evil ex's front door… and here they were, a grown-ass woman trying to coax a grown-ass man baby out of his grown-ass apartment…
"... (*inhale) okay Scott, what will convince you to open the door?"
"... get back together with me-"
"Not like this man-"
"Then I'm NEVER coming out!"
… Ramona had officially lost the last straw… in fact, it may as well be on its way to Pluto for how lost it is.
"That's it Pilgrim! I'm giving you till the count of ten before I'm busting my way in there!" the woman yelled as she reached into her bag.
"You wouldn't dare!"
"1!"
"I've got 10 good years of squatting rights put into that door!"
"2!" she retrieves {Giant Battering Ram} (+22 against squatting rights).
"Seriously Ramona, at least give me a minute-!"
"10!"
With the might of over two and a half decades of frustration, Ramona burst her way back into her idiot's life… and was instantly overcome by the stench.
"(*wretch) Mother of GOD Scott, haven't you cleaned this place ONCE this decade?" Ramona gasped out as the stench of ten years of training montages assaulted her nostrils.
Her (kind of) husband, for his part, was doing his damndest to shove his crap out of sight. "Oh I'm sorry~! A was a little busy getting awesome to receive house-calls!"
As the dream girl rallied herself, the gravity of her man's degradation truly set in. Where one particularly mad-man saw 'cool kungfu hermit stuff' she saw a monument to a broken and ill spent life.
"Come on Pilgrim," she marched over and grabbed the crazed brute by the wrist, "It's time we cleaned up your act!"
"What's the point!" Scott screamed as he wrenched himself from her grip. "... it's not like you're ever going to love me again…"
…
Ramona was quiet for a bit… Then, she grabbed the prematurely aged idiot's face…
looked deep into his sad and lonely eyes…
…
…
And f****** headbutted him!
Sent sprawling to the floor the master fighter exclaimed "OW! What was that for-" but he was cut off again when his estranged partner grabbed him by the beard.
"Now listen to me, and listen good Scott Pilgrim." Ramona drawled out with the ferocity of a thousand women scorned. "Not ONCE… did I ever stop loving you. Just because I stopped LIKING you, doesn't mean I EVER wanted you to screw yourself up like this… GOT IT!"
… The former champion of Toronto didn't know whether he should cry from raw emotions… or piss himself in fear.
… luckily for everyone he settled on the former.
"WAAAAAAAH, I'M SORRY RAMONA!" he wailed. "I'M SORRY I SCREWED EVERYTHING UUUPPP!"
"There there big guy" his (kind of) wife awkwardly patted his shoulder. "You can cry all about it after we get you all cleaned up. Come on, I know a shortcut."
"It's too bad that our younger selves screwed things up anyway" a freshly washed Scott declared as he was prepped for a DIY haircut in Ramona's bathroom.
"What do you mean?" his (not officially) ex wife asked as she draped a sheet over him.
"Well, you and I are still here, and we still split up, so it's not like they did things much differently."
"Oh, didn't you hear?" Ramona asked as she brandished her scissors.
"Hear what?"
"Turns out time travel is, like, a multiverse thing."
"Wait, really?" Mr. Pilgrim fought himself to stay still as his overgrown mane was beginning to be clipped away.
"Yeah, it was a few days after you locked yourself up. Turns out it's, like, Dragon ball rules or something. Every time you change stuff in the past it's like writing a new spinoff."
"... huh…" Scott was surprised how not upset he was to hear this, "I thought for sure it was like Back to the Future rules".
"Nope, It's Spiderman rules..."
"... So me going back in time wouldn't change anything? Just make another me's life suckier?"
"Pretty much"
"... man, guess I should have checked before spending over a decade screwing around."
"NOW you're getting it buddy~" with a quick flick of the wrist Ramona returned her guest's hair to a manageable length. "Now can I PLEASE get rid of this beard dude, it's looking really gnarly."
"Aw , but I like my beard. It makes me look like a master from a kung fu movie" he pleaded while caressing his facial hair.
"No Scott, it makes you look like a homeless man who hasn't showered in a decade… which you were." his (basically partner) accentuated much to the man's embarrassment. "It's the ridiculously jacked muscles that make you look like a kungfu master."
"You like my muscles?" he was hanging on to the one compliment from the conversation.
"Eh, I could be okay with them…" While her longest lasting boyfriend was distracted Ramona was already making headway on trimming the tangled nightmare of facial hair… which, much to his surprise again, Scott didn't mind that much…
… A long time passed before the even older man spoke again.
"... Hey, remind me why we broke up again?" He entreated, tactlessly broaching the awkward subject (as always).
"It was something about books, I think. You wanted more space on the shelf for your comics, I said no-"
"-Right! And I said that they were more artsy than any of the books you had-"
"-And it just escalated from there." she finished with a bemused smile.
The swole fighter couldn't help but chuckle. "Man , I can't even REMEMBER the last time I read a comic."
"Oh yeah, and why's that?" his beautician inquired as she finished with her scissors and started applying shaving cream.
"Blew all of the money I got from Wallace on kung fu scrolls… too bad it was before I realized I couldn't read Chinese."
Ramona had to pause her barbering as a barely restrained laugh escaped her lips. " My God Scott, you really never change" she concluded with amusement.
"Hey cut me a break, I learned it EVENTUALLY… okay, only kind of…"
"Hey man, I'm impressed. It's not like I learned Mandarin-"
"-People can speak to oranges!?"
… Ramona was just about to take the dork seriously,but he suddenly erupted into laughter over his own dumb joke. The woman knew that this stupid humor shouldn't have gotten to her… But what could she say? She missed this weirdo's adorkable sense of humor, so she began to laugh along.
A few minutes or so later she finished her project.
"There, now you're all ready to go out and seize the world." Ramona boasted as she removed the barber cape.
Her customer was, honestly, struck silent by the visage in the mirror. 'Looking ten years younger' would have been a massive understatement; hell, why not say he looked 20 years younger. Without the beard, he looked like he did in simpler days… happier days… when he was in bliss with the girl of his dreams…
"Alright, let me go make up the couch for you." The lady failed to notice the pensive look on her estranged spouse. Just as she was about to cross the threshold out of the bathroom a worn and calloused (yet filled with a familiar gentleness) hand stopped her.
Scott mustered all the courage he had left within him, he asked through a broken voice "...You said that you love me, right?"
Ramona also adopted a subdued countenance. "Yeah," she replied, " I guess I did…"
"... But that doesn't mean that we can get back together, right?"
"... yeah, I don't think I'm ready yet…"
"... That's cool…"
…
Ramona suddenly got a fun idea.
"But that doesn't mean I'm going to just send you out into the cold" the woman continued with a mischievous grin.
Her lovable idiot caught on to what she was throwing. " Does that mean I can share your bed?... You know, for warmth, and stuff." the man was beginning to regain that smile she was so fond of.
"Mmhmm, and, I reserve the right to change my mind about the 'getting back together'."
"Yeah, I think I'm good with that."
The pair allowed themselves to sink into an amendable silence. Looking into each other's eyes they were enraptured by the threads of longing now visible between the two of them. They were worn and tattered by decades of wasteful trepidation, but given some effort, they could see that the pieces could still be woven back into place.
Then before either of them realized it they were leaning toward each other. Neither of them really knew if this made sense, let alone if it was satisfying for their Gordian knots of character arcs. But in the end those little voices in their heads just said 'whatever'.
So the pair kissed.
And there were still sparks.
Go damn it Ramona thought to herself. I should have made him go to the dentist first!
And so began a new chapter titled The Pilgrims in: Cleaning Up Our S###
A/N:
So yeah, I finally watched the show and... honestly, it was pretty okay. Yeah I wish there was more Scott Pilgrim in a show called Scott Pilgrim. And sure it threw a couple that everyone knew were perfect messes for each other into an unfortunate future, but the development for the exes was just *chef's kiss*.
…still, being who I am, I couldn't move on without tying up ONE LAST loose end. So adieu my wonderful readers both new and old. and I wish you the best of luck cleaning up your own messes.