I do not own Star Trek, just this story. Enjoy!
It took Tuvok three attempts to request entry to Janeway's quarters before he finally performed the task, frowning faintly at his dysfunction. He had been 'out of sorts' as The Doctor had put it, since being pulled from Tuvix, as medically perfect as he could be but 'not quite back to (his) usual Vulcan self'. Or 'less Tuvokien' as Neelix would put it. The Doctor assured him it would wear off eventually.
"Come in!" Janeway's response had been too quick. It told him she had likely been waiting up, which made him wonder exactly how many of the crew had come to see her after hours in the past few days. He stepped through the door and took in her space. It was less well-kept than usual, teetering on the edge of untidy with unreturned replicator cups discarded on every other flat surface. Janeway, herself was also less put together than usual, perched on her couch in a nightgown which very much read 'off duty', holding a PADD which Tuvok suspected very much related to 'on duty' issues. She glanced up as he drew closer and practically sprung to attention, PADD forgotten. "Tuvok!"
"Captain," he acknowledged. She took a couple of steps closer to him likely observing that he was still in uniform, exactly as if he had just stepped out from his bridge shift.
"I…I'm happy to see you. Is everything alright? Can I get you anything?" She waved one hand in the direction of her replicator. Tuvok was struck by how familiar the scene was. Janeway often attempted to defy the human need for a regimented sleep schedule and Tuvok required less sleep than the average Starfleet officer. The result had often been them keeping each other company late into the night. But this was different. He shook his head at her offer. As pleasant as spice tea would be, stalling was a waste of time.
"Apologies for disturbing you, Captain. I wish to discuss recent events." Janeway deflated at his words, a look of concern darkening her features.
"Of course, Tuvok. Join me," she said and led him to a window to the back left of her living space. Janeway had always been more comfortable looking to the stars, but he doubted these provided her with much reassurance. The punctate patterns were ones none of them had travelled. She leant against the sill, gathering herself for a beat, before turning to face him. "This is about Tuvix, isn't it?"
"Indeed," the confirmation sounded hollow. "You did not assign him my or Mr Neelix's quarters." It was not where he had intended to start the conversation, but it was as good of a point to begin as any.
"You're right, I didn't," she agreed.
"Why?" Tuvok prompted and a sad smile tugged at Janeway's lips.
"Because Tuvok, it would have felt like admitting that you and Neelix were gone for good." He considered this. For all intents and purposes, he and Neelix had been gone. Contained as they had been in Tuvix's memory they were… something else. Janeway had had no way of knowing that they would ever return. He thought to tell her as much but she, likely sensing his line of logic, beat him to it. "I was not going to accept that." There was a definite nature to her tone which left no room for argument. Tuvok was grateful for a moment for her sentiment before dismissing the feeling. His readjustment after Tuvix had been aided by the lack of change in his personal space but these individualistic points distracted from the larger matter at hand.
"I question the treatment of Mr Tuvix by the crew," he said. Janeway didn't seem surprised at his remark.
"I supposed you would. I do too," she admitted. "The crew never knew quite how to deal with him. He was so…unique," Janeway made a motion with one hand as if grasping something from thin air, "but also, not." She let her hand fall back to her side. "Most felt that we should regard him as something entirely novel…but he himself seemed almost opposed to that. Others couldn't separate him from you and Neelix or still thought of him as a transporter accident. Others still, saw him as an abomination or a monster," Janeway cringed at the last sentence. "Were we not in the delta quadrant I might consider reassigning members of that last group. As it is I am having them undergo sensitivity training with Chakotay." Tuvok nodded at this, although he found the concept of Chakotay leading sensitivity training downright bizarre. He would have to drop in on a session to check that everything was up to regulations.
"With the exception of the last group it may have been prudent to consider that he had components of all outlooks mentioned," he mused. Janeway cocked her head at this.
"I'm surprised at you, Tuvok. Isn't that paradoxical?" She spoke. Tuvok leaned back from her and let his eyes wander to the stars outside.
"Paradoxical as it may be, it is the only option that makes logical sense and takes into account the experiences of both myself and Mr Neelix." He noted out of the corner of his eye that Janeway shifted uncomfortably at this, wrapping her arms around her waist.
"I've read your reports and spoken to Neelix but, ideally, I'd want to hear it directly from you too, Tuvok," she said. "If it isn't too personal to ask, how much of Tuvix do you recall?"
Tuvok had expected this question but still found himself mentally chewing over the answer.
"My memories from the weeks that Mr. Tuvix was here are fragmented," he said carefully, steepling his fingers in an aid to focus his thoughts. "I recall your initial hesitancy on interacting with him. Meetings on reversing the accident. Having tea," Tuvok paused. His 'advisory sessions' with Janeway often involved Vulcan spice tea – which Tuvix had found too plain. "I believe he did not appreciate my usual choice of beverages." Janeway tried and failed to suppress her amusement at this.
"No, I think he may have acquired more of Neelix's tastebuds than yours when it came to drinks," she said.
"That would be nonsensical," he rebutted flatly, placing his hands to his sides again before adjusting to clasp them behind his back . "It should not have mattered whether it was food or drink choice, he ought to have had a blend of Mr Neelix and I's affinities."
"Yes, well, a lot of what Tuvix was was illogical," Janeway pointed out.
"And conversely much of him was also logical," Tuvok murmured. "Once again, Captain, we are faced with the difficult notion that he may have also been something separate."
"Yes, I see that," Janeway said, her tone thoughtful. "Tuvok when those of the Trill species join with a symbiote they become a total blend of the two beings, mind and soul, yes?" Tuvok raised his chin a slight furrow on his brow.
"I am not well-versed in Trill customs but from what I am aware of, that is correct, Captain," he said.
"However, the new host and symbiote blend is considered separate from the memories that the symbiote may carry, they are a new person in essence –it is a kind of rebirth," she continued her musing. "The new host and symbiote are both two and one – would you say Tuvix was something similar?"
"Your comparison is not without its merits, but it is flawed on several accounts. Firstly, when Trill are joined it is in a long observed and sacred ceremony that is undertaken willingly –" he began but was halted by Janeway raising a hand, palm-forward.
"I'm not trying to compare a transporter accident to a sacred ceremony, Tuvok, I'm just trying to relate what you and Neelix have described to another experience so we can get a better understanding of it, should the need ever arise in the future," she explained.
"Perhaps consulting with a Trill may help your query. However, I would advise against it lest they take offence to your suggestion."
"You're right, my mistake."
"Although if the need arose again, I would recommend conducting a more thorough interview with the newly formed being, themselves," Tuvok emphasised. Janeway gave a nod at this, and then frowned.
"What I don't understand is," she started "That I know you and Neelix would not have wanted to be hybridised. But if that's true then why was Tuvix so…alright."
"I do not believe he was," Tuvok stated, and then added, "your comparison with the Trill does tentatively hold some ground in this consideration. Mr Tuvix did have the will to live of two men. That drive likely overcame much of the moral and personal difficulties he faced in being the representation of the unwilling end of myself and Mr Neelix as individuals."
"So, you remember that too," Janeway said softly.
"I do," he confirmed. She leaned back slightly and folded her arms.
"And does that make you fear me?" Her voice was commanding, Tuvok knew her well enough to grasp that this meant she wanted the truth. It was not quite an order, but it had the suggestion of one behind it.
"I am incapable of experiencing fear," Tuvok told her cautiously and watched as her face turned stony before he followed up with "However if I were capable of such a condition, I do not think I would experience it towards you." Janeway seemed to accept that answer although there was now an odd mix of sadness and worry in her expression.
"Perhaps you should," she said quietly, not really to him.
In place of response, Tuvok held her gaze. "Captain, you spoke of the way different crew members considered Mr Tuvix, which thought group did you fall into?" This seemed to bring Janeway back out of whatever dark alley of thought she had gone down. She took a long time to answer anyway. When she finally did her stare was fixed on something to Tuvok's right. A pair of flourishing house plants and a recliner that was littered with PADDs.
"I would like very much to say that I don't know but I reckon we're both aware that that wouldn't be entirely true," she murmured. Her eyes drifted back to his face, searchingly. "I tried to perceive him as something –someone – unique but I kept seeing you in him, no matter how hard I tried not to."
"I see," Tuvok said. He did see, and maybe that was part of the problem, it was such an emotional notion. Janeway clasped her hands together.
"I spent days poring over Starfleet regulation, looking for case studies, researching biogenic organisms, I even had Harry and the Doctor comb through medical files on transporter accidents, anything at all that would help me figure out what the correct course of action would be." she ran a hand through her hair, Tuvok tried not to notice that there were strands left collected around her fingers when she dropped it back down. "But try as I might there was absolutely zero precedent for this. The Trill might have been the closest I came. And you're right, they are far from a comparable example." There was a beat between them as Tuvok digested her words.
"Starfleet Regulation 3 Section –" he began after the moment passed. Janeway immediately shook her head.
"That regulation means nothing in a scenario like this, you and Neelix would have either been considered already dead or altered but in no peril making the regulation a useless," she said.
"There have been records of transporter accidents resulting in cl –"
"That would only double the problem. Why should a clone have any more or less right to exist as it chooses than the original?" Tuvok opened his mouth for a third time and then shut it again. He did not mention that the rights of clones and all alike were still a point of debate within the Federation at the time they had been taken to the Delta Quadrant, he knew Janeway's opinions on the matter.
"You were not required to make an immediate decision," he said finally. She let out an exasperated breath at that.
"I know, Tuvok," she said, "I could have waited the decades out until we made it back to the Alpha Quadrant, I could have held a proper trial, I could have done a myriad of things, but I didn't."
"And you are trying to understand why?" He hazarded a guess. She reached out and gave his arm a light squeeze before reinstating the distance between them.
"I know why. But I'm still trying to put it into words," she corrected. "You deserve an explanation."
"As does Mr Neelix," Tuvok added.
"Actually, Neelix seems content with not knowing," Janeway informed him. This caused Tuvok to falter. He supposed there was a certain logic to it, what was done was done and Neelix was always seemingly eager to move past any unpleasantness that came his way. Perhaps there was some (in Tuvok's opinion, simple-minded) peace in that. Which begged the question as to why he was still dwelling on it.
"Mr Neelix appears to have re-adjusted far more effectively than I," he commented more to himself than to Janeway.
"People come to terms with trying experiences in different ways. There is no timeframe for dealing with something like this," Janeway told him. He gave her a look. "I realise how that sounds coming from me right now," she added and then sighed, "Tuvok when there are no logical arguments one way or another, what's left?" Tuvok sensed he knew where this was going but indulged her anyway.
"Personal interests."
"Right. Yes. Although I would have worded it as emotional arguments," a flicker of a smile crossed her face as she picked up on some minute expression that he made at her choice of words, "but even so my reasoning wasn't entirely emotional."
"I am not sure I follow." Janeway avoided his eyes, she seemed to be struggling with whatever she was planning on saying next.
"When Kes first came to me she was so confused and upset," she began. "It reminded me of how I felt when I first began to understand that we were well and truly stuck here. How I felt when I realised that Mark and I would likely never have our wedding and that earth was a pale blue dot so far away that it may as well be a fantasy." She paused and swallowed hard "It was the most bleak and lonely feeling I had ever felt, like I had sunk to the deepest trench of the ocean and taken everybody on board this ship with me. And then I had cut our lifeline." Tuvok did not entirely understand the terror that the deep ocean still seemed to broadly evoke in the human species. Was space not far vaster and more dangerous on all accounts? However, large bodies of water had never been his favourite, so he grasped the idea on a basic level.
"The difference was that during all of this, I had you," Janeway said, an undeniable warmth seeping into her voice. "You have been a reliable constant in my life since the day we met, and not for one moment have I ever imagined that you might not be there for the rest of it."
"As flattered as I am Captain, that is hardly a logical assumption. Starfleet officers are frequently killed in the line of duty," Tuvok said gently. Janeway gave him a look as if what he had just said was entirely beside the point, and maybe it was.
"Like it or not, for Kes, Neelix acts as that same constant. Perhaps even more so considering her expected lifespan," Janeway continued. "And she is so young, Tuvok."
"Kes is Ocampan, she will always be young if you are comparing her years to your own," he pointed out. This earned him another look from Janeway, this time one he believed was unwarranted.
"Regardless, Kes eventually forced me to face the facts when it came to Tuvix's continued existence," she confessed. "Until then I had been in a state of near-denial, hoping for some way to fix things in a quiet, easy, manner that let me walk away with my morals intact. It was selfish of me and once I understood that the worry and panic set in. I had to think about those that didn't even know they had lost you, and Neelix, to Tuvix yet. T'Pel and your children for one. The members of the crew that had held out hope for you. The resulting grief would have been significant."
"I believe T'Pel, and our children, would have found a way to continue with the knowledge of Tuvix as they have no doubt done with the knowledge of my absence," Tuvok said rigidly. At this Janeway's expression morphed into one of such deep sympathy that he would have considered it insulting were it anyone else.
"It would not have been the same," she said simply.
"No," he conceded, glancing out to the stars once more. T'Pel would have been thoroughly unimpressed with Tuvix, he knew and probably would have had some choice words about his affections.
"There was also the fact that I needed a trusted tactical officer and, to somewhat of a lesser extent, a guide." Her words brought him out of his T'Pel-centric ponderings, and he blinked at her.
"Tuvix filled those roles in Mr Neelix and I's absence, did he not?"
"He did…" Janeway began slowly "But Tuvix was also one person and an uncertainty at that. He both had and had not gone through years of Starfleet training. He was both familiar and unfamiliar with the Delta Quadrant. He could perform your and Neelix's tasks but only one at a time. He was filling the hole but leaving it empty."
"It would have been impossible to expect him to be two people," Tuvok concluded her explanation.
"Exactly. It would not have been much of an issue in the Alpha Quadrant," Janeway noted "But in the Delta Quadrant we are already short on crew, we need as many hands on deck as we can possibly get." This line of reasoning was far more satisfactory to Tuvok's logical leanings than her previous ones. However, it was uncomfortably cold coming from her.
"The culmination of your reasoning is incredibly utilitarian, Captain," Tuvok remarked at last.
"The needs of the many –" Janeway agreed, gesturing vaguely instead of finishing her sentence. "Though if I'm being truthful, in the end, it was simpler than that…" She took him in for a long moment.
"Captain?" Tuvok prompted. She looked down at her feet, eyes slightly shiny.
"I know what I did was wrong on many levels," her words came out unsteady and slightly too quick, "In the Alpha Quadrant, I would be facing a murder trial right now. But I wasn't going to lose you too. Not when I had the chance not to." Tuvok hesitated. He had suspected Janeway was suffering from the weight of her decision, as he was, but he had also expected a more measured revelation.
"I cannot say if what you did was wrong," he admitted, finding his words lacking. "The matter does not have a 'winning' solution. By Federation law perhaps you were 'wrong'. However, it was an understandable decision. I know too that my wife and children would not fault you. Nor would Kes and the majority of the crew."
"And what about you?" Janeway asked attempting to discreetly wipe at her eyes with her sleeve.
"I am here," he said, "I would not be if Tuvix remained, I would be lying if I told you I do not appreciate my reinstated existence." Janeway smiled unsteadily at that.
"I had been afraid that I'd done you a disservice," she said. "Tuvix seemed so set on remaining Tuvix."
"He could not have been set on being anything else," Tuvok observed, "the part of him that was separate from Mr Neelix and I had a will to remain, something it, paradoxically, could not have without us."
"He told me he thought of you and Neelix as his parents, you know," Janeway said. Tuvok raised an eyebrow at this.
"That is a most unpleasant image."
Janeway let out a teary laugh at that and moved forward into Tuvok's space to rest her head against his chest. He stiffened momentarily but quickly attempted to adjust to the situation, trying not to mind too much that she was getting tear stains on his second-best uniform.
"I'm glad to have you back," she murmured into him.
"You are tired," he said, settling for resting his chin against the top of her head, his lips half pressed into her hair. He breathed in her sharp human scent, the familiar zip of her thoughts warm beneath his touch.
"Damn, just when I thought I'd gotten that past you," she responded, pretend-miffed.
"I am chief of security. There is not much that gets past me," he informed her and was rewarded by a slight chuckle.
"And they say Vulcans have no sense of humour."
"We do not," he retorted evenly.
"Of course, and I supposed Vulcans also don't lie."
"Quite," he agreed, moving only so that he could guide her back to her couch. Once there she arranged herself in an odd position that looked awfully uncomfortable to Tuvok, half on him half not, half curled, half splayed. It was not unlike the sleeping positions of the Earth dogs she enjoyed sending him pictures of so much.
"Tuvok?"
"Kathryn."
"Would you stay here tonight?" In response, Tuvok grabbed the discarded PADD she had been reading earlier and settled back into the couch.
"Computer, dim lights," he spoke. Janeway muttered a thanks and seemed to drift off almost at once. Tuvok regarded her for a while, before turning his attention to the PADD. 'Flowers and Follies: the medical perils of the transporter', it read. He fought the urge to roll his eyes.