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CHAPTER EIGHT: STILLNESS
NANA
"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet."
— Jean-Jacques Rousseau
THERE WAS NO doubt that the sound of my chopsticks scraping against my plate was getting on Yumiko's nerves. I couldn't hear the noise. I couldn't relate to her growing irritation. Still, the furrowing of her brows and narrowing of her eyes were a dead giveaway. It couldn't have been all too pleasant.
My lunch sat discarded on the white plate. I didn't have the appetite to take more than a bite or two out of it. I looked down at the shuffling chopsticks sadly, chin in the palm of my hand and elbow on the restaurant table. It was ill-mannererd to hardly touch your food when you were out to eat. It was something that couldn't be helped. My sour mood had affected my eating habits these days more so than I wanted to let on.
Yumiko had picked up on my so-called "bad energy vibrations." She had caught me staring at my empty sheet of paper in our first class of the day. She questioned it, then, and I assured her that it was just my mind running circles. She'd demanded to know the reason why. I was prone to let situations ponder in my mind long enough for it to change the way I felt; it was one of my worst qualities. I was too emotional for my own good. I had paid enough attention in my psychology classes to know the signs.
After the day was over with, Yumiko grew annoyed. She had caught me leaving the front entrance of the school. I'd begun the walk home as soon as my last class was over. It was then that she dragged me over to our frequented restaurant demanding answers. She wanted to know what happened. Really, I hadn't bothered to tell anyone about my troubles other than Hideyoshi. I supposed she felt like I was keeping some kind of secret from my best friend. We'd decided to settle the matter over food like we usually did.
Across the table, she sighed, writing down on the paper between us, 'Eat.'
The thought of eating didn't seem too appealing. There was nothing but a few pieces of a sushi roll in front of me. I knew that I wouldn't be eating too much, so I had ordered one of the lightest things on the menu.
I put down the chopsticks to write back, 'I'm not hungry.'
'I didn't ask if you were hungry. I told you to eat.' Yumiko frowned.
I sighed. It had been days since I'd received that text message from Kaneki. I hadn't seen or talked to him since my phone flashed with his words. He hadn't made a move to engage in any contact, either. Every time I left for school in the morning, he was either gone or hiding away in his apartment. He hadn't been coming to classes. I hadn't caught sight of him in the library. It was like he'd just vanished into thin air. Maybe I really had been coddling him when he needed time alone.
Yumiko didn't seem to be surprised when I explained it to her. She said that she predicted it was going to happen sooner or later after the accident. I asked her what she meant, but she just waved me off. Apparently, she had seen the signs of Kaneki's impending flash. I didn't know whether or not to be upset that she hadn't warned me before. Or, maybe, it had to happen.
I supposed, in a way, it let me understand him more. Having a friend lingering around trying to help wouldn't speed up the recovery process after something so traumatizing. It could worsen it. He needed time alone to validate his emotions by himself. He wasn't a child who needed protection. He was a man with enough emotional maturity to get through the situation. While his words were offensive, I couldn't blame him for snapping. It was like a coil winding up until it eventually burst. I just so happened to be caught in the crosshairs.
Yumiko took a few bites of her ramen. 'So what you guys got into a little argument? He just got into a freak accident. You can't blame him for his emotions being all out of whack right now. Just give him some time. He'll come around. I know you like him, and things are different, but you're important to him, after all. You guys are close.'
All I could do was nod. Her words were encouraging. I was very grateful for the pep talk. Still, it didn't bring back the urge to finish my food. I began to shuffle with the chopsticks again.
Her chest moved up and down with a sigh. 'Alright, that's it. I'm calling Hide.'
I winced and begged her not to. He was my trump card. She knew that all too well.
The orange-haired boy had been spending most of his time at my place lately. We bonded over the fact that Kaneki had shut him out as well. He was the one that I could relate to the most. But, he hadn't got an angry message. Our friend just stopped responding to his calls and messages, and Hideyoshi took it as that-Kaneki was being a grump. He didn't bother him again. Instead, he occupied himself with spending time with being there for me.
The other night, he'd even spent the night once he came over after work. He gave words of encouragement for both of us. I'd made a recipe I saw on television that didn't turn out all too great. He ate my cooking nonetheless. I didn't bother eating much. We'd busied ourselves with clinking sake glasses and horror films until he'd passed out on the floor. His body had been too heavy for me to move, and he was tipsy with no chance of waking up. I gave him a spare pillow and blanket despite not wanting him to sleep on the floor.
When he woke up the next morning, he saw our discarded bowls and lectured me for not eating. He was so adamant about me not getting moody over anything that was going on next door. Kaneki's words had hurt my feelings, sure, but it was nothing to starve over. I was boarder-line deaf, but that was what made me Akamine Nana. He wouldn't have wanted me any other way than how I came. Even if communication was sometimes tedious and frustrating. And he knew somewhere buried underneath all that angst and anger, Kaneki thought the same.
If he found out that I wasn't eating, he would curse me up a storm. His language got rather colorful when he felt strongly about something. There was no doubt his messages would be filled with F-words and exclamation points. Yumiko informing him of that would do me no good later on.
Though, it had been almost two days since I'd seen or talked to Hideyoshi, either. Our impromptu sleepover was the last time I saw him. We'd exchanged a couple of text messages the next morning and left it at that. I made a mental note to text him tonight to see how he was doing. Hopefully, he hadn't gotten into his own thoughts.
Yumiko sighed again. 'Don't let anything get you down. Just focus on what you can do,' she wrote. 'And what you can do is leave it alone.'
I nodded. She was right. Shida Yumiko was almost always right. There was no point in dwelling on things that I couldn't change.
Our written conversation was cut short by someone coming to our table. My eyes slid up to look into the forest green ones of Anzai. He had been the one to wait on our table during our visit. He had even given us drinks on the house.
He was clad in his uniform. The sleeves of his white button-up were rolled up around his elbows. In his hands was the bill for the table and a pen in case we were paying with cards. His brown hair was messy as ever, and his eyes resembled that of a raccoon, surrounded by deep, tired bags.
He used the pen to write on the paper between us, 'I'm off work now. I'd like my tip.'
I laughed while Yumiko rolled her eyes. She wrote down a threatening message telling him to leave us alone if he wanted to go home without any broken limbs. This time, he joined in my laughter. While Yumiko was athletic, I didn't think she would be strong enough to take on Anzai, who stood a good four inches over me and a good two over her.
'I'm going to clock out. Do you guys want to hang out after?'
Yumiko shook her head. 'Can't. I have a date after this.'
One of my brows rose in shock. She didn't mention anything about having a date. 'I hope it's not with the panty guy . . .' I wrote down. She frowned, and Anzai's brows rose to disappear behind his choppy bangs. 'I don't think that's a good idea.'
'Of course not. It's another blind date from this dating app I downloaded. We matched up pretty well.' She thought for a moment before adding down onto the paper, 'Actually, do you guys want to come? I think that'll be a lot safer than me just meeting up with a random.'
We agreed. After Anzai cleared our table and clocked out, we left the restaurant together. He explained to us that he wasn't going out anywhere in his work uniform. Luckily, he didn't live too far, and we could stop there along the way so that he could change. I didn't blame him; he'd received a few glances on the street. We were three university students, one with perfect makeup, one in a work uniform, and the other in her black comfort hoodie.
His apartment was no more than ten minutes away from the restaurant. I imagined he was never late for work when he lived so close.
It was a dull, gray building four stories high. It didn't stand out too much between the surrounding buildings. We walked inside after he used a pin to open the entrance doors. It was a lot more high-tech than my own apartment building. The inside led into a long hallway where the front doors of the apartments lined up. To the left was an elevator, and to the right was a door leading into the stairwell. We took the elevator per Anzai's lead.
He stayed on the third floor. We followed him through the beige hallway; his apartment was the very last door in the back. Apartment 306. He invited us in as he unlocked the door with his housekeys. It was the first time that I had ever been over his apartment. Hell, it was one of the first times that we were together outside of campus or the restaurant.
His apartment was simple. It looked like a single man lived there. It was a one bedroom apartment with a large, glass sliding door past the living room to give way to a balcony. His kitchen was to the right of the entrance, small and plain as if it was hardly used. There was a worn brown couch pushed against one of the walls with a wooden coffee table in front of it. There were a few pictures hanging on the walls. A wooden desk sat against the wall, holding an impressive computer setup. There were clothes and shoes discarded around the apartment as if he got undressed when he walked through the door and tossed them anywhere. That, along with books and papers from school.
We took our shoes off at the front entrance. There was a decent sized television hanging opposite the wall of the couch. The entertainment system underneath it gave a view to multiple gaming systems and gadgets. I supposed it was one of the reasons why he worked so often. The money was going towards his rent and his technology obsession.
I stood awkwardly by the kitchen. There weren't any dishes in the sink. A few of his cupboards were left open to reveal nothing inside of them. The stove was tidy as if it had never been used. He didn't have a microwave. There were no signs of foods, or snacks, or drinks, or utensils, for that matter. I assumed he didn't really need to buy food when he worked at a restaurant and got to take leftovers home every day.
He told us to make ourselves comfortable in the living room. We disappeared through a white door leading into his bedroom. He closed the door behind him, and Yumiko and I shuffled further into the apartment. It obviously wasn't her first time there. She collapsed onto his couch with a huff. The sudden movement caused the remote to the television to bounce a bit on the cushion.
'Anzai's such a tech nerd,' she explained to me after taking my notebook.
I smiled. It was what he was majoring in, after all. I busied myself with skimming through one of his technology sciences books. It was heavy and had to be over a thousand pages long. How he studied something so complicated while working nearly full-time was beyond me.
He reappeared from his bedroom not too long later. We left his apartment, then. He'd locked the door behind him, and we made our way back into the streets of Tokyo.
The date was planned to be at a farmer's flea market of sorts. It was a little after six o'clock when we arrived. The sun had already begun to dip behind the buildings and clouds, painting the sky in pinks and dark blues. There had to be no more than an hour left of daylight. Not that it stopped the market.
It was a long alleyway about a mile long. Lights lit up as vendors waved people over to try their games and products. There were many shops and stalls along the alleyway. Though, it didn't compare to the number of people. Were it not so wide, everyone would have been packed so closely together that navigating through it would have been impossible. There were older people, elderly people, students, families, and even couples on dates. If I could hear it, I could only imagine how busy it sounded.
I had never been there before. I had been living in the Nerima ward of Tokyo for so long, yet I hadn't found any hidden gems such as this one. I skimmed over all the signs, giving promises of street foods and toys. If I had known about it sooner, I would have found myself here more often than not. Much like everyone who came out today.
Yumiko was typing away at her phone. A few groups of people went around us as we stood there waiting for her next move. A girl in a pretty white dress had even bumped into Anzai along her way. She instantly bowed an apology, to which he waved off. The blush on her face hadn't gone unnoticed. It was either due to her embarrassment or the older boy's looks.
Yumiko pointed a finger to the left of us. There was a man leaning against one of the light poles. He was looking down at his phone. The screen reflected off his glasses, and when he looked up, I caught sight of thin, brown eyes. His hair was short, black, and parted in the middle to allow his bangs to frame his face. As she approached him, I noticed he was tall. He was nearly a head taller than her. No doubt he was even taller than Anzai. And he was handsome enough to boot. He was Yumiko's blind date.
She had informed him on the way there that we would be tagging along. He didn't mind. He regarded her with a smile. I watched as their mouths moved in greeting. Yumiko's ever-confident expression had dusted a light pink. She liked what she saw.
I didn't take my eyes off them as I signed to Anzai, "He's kind of cute."
Anzai shrugged. "It's gotta be awkward because it's a blind date."
I chuckled. Yumiko had enough confidence for a thousand girls combined. I, myself, didn't know if I would be able to be set up like that. Though, it looked like it was working in her favor.
Yumiko and the man walked over. He greeted us with a handsome smile. Yumiko introduced him to us as Hishiguro Kouta. He was twenty-four, graduated, and worked in the advertisement department of his company. He looked polite enough; I approved of him so far. We gave him our names in return, and I made work of explaining to him that I was hard of hearing. We would have to talk via my communication notebook. He waved it off. Apparently, his younger sister had a hearing aid, so he was no stranger.
We walked through the market alley together. Anzai and I hung back a few steps to give them privacy on their date. Their conversation was going good, judging by their smiles. Or, more so, Yumiko's moving mouth. She was doing most of the talking like always.
"So, how have you been doing?" Anzai signed to me.
I shrugged. "Same old, same old. What about you?"
"Same thing."
His gaze flickered over to one of the upcoming stalls. There was a bright, yellow sign that displayed pets for sale. An outdoor pet store hadn't been what I expected from the alleyway. There was already a small crowd forming in front of it. Whatever they had on display must have been interesting.
"Do you want to go look?" Anzai asked.
When I nodded, he called Yumiko and Kouta over, and the four of us made our way to the stall. There were a bunch of children around it looking over the animals. In a caged off pit no more than a foot wide and long, little rabbits entertained themselves with treats of lettuce and carrots. In another sectioned off pit were three chickens. Glass tanks gave view to tiny turtles and colorful fish. A sign hanging above them explained that they were out of birds until further notice.
Most of the children were surrounding the chickens. I hadn't been expecting chickens to be at the stall out of everything. Their little heads went back and forth as they walked around in circles. I found myself laughing as a few of the children mimicked their movements, circling each other as they pecked and flapped their arms like wings. Yumiko, Anzai, and Kouta laughed, too, much to one of the father's embarrassment.
I moved over to where the rabbits were stationed. I leaned over a bit to get a better look at them. One of them, in particular, wiggled its pink nose and came closer to me. It was the one that I had noticed first in the group. It was small, definitely still young, with all-white fur, floppy ears, and adorable eyes. I reached a hand down to it. The bunny sniffed at my hand for a few moments. It was so cute that I immediately thought of the action as an initiation into friendship. I smiled.
Yumiko and Kouta were at the tanks playing with the turtles. Yumiko tapped the glass a few times. The sound made the turtle duck its head into its shell. Her eyes widened, and her mouth moved frantically. I assumed she was apologizing to it since Kouta began laughing.
Anzai moved closer to the bunny and I. "It's cute," he signed, his eyes skimming the sign hanging above the pit. "And it's for sale if you want to take it home with you."
The white rabbit looked up at me almost expectantly. If it spoke sign language, it was visibly pleased with the suggestion. I gave a quick thought over purchasing it and taking it home. I would also have to buy a cage and food and devote time and attention to it. Time and attention that I didn't have in my first year of university. Especially to take care of something else.
I shook my head. "I don't know if I'm ready for a pet right now."
"Understandable." Anzai reached down to also offer a hand to a rabbit. It sniffed it while I ran my hand over the soft fur on its back. "You know, rabbits symbolize good luck, new beginnings, and fertility. I say a rabbit suits you."
"Maybe one day. I'll think about it." I smiled.
There was another rabbit hid away in the corner of the pit. It was brown and sleeping peacefully. He paid no attention to his bunny friends or the people watching him. Not even the treats that lay scattered around. He was so still that I hadn't noticed him before.
I chuckled. "Look. That one is the bunny version of you."
He rolled his eyes. With his own laugh, he signed to me, "Yeah. He must have taken engineering classes, too, this semester."
We left the stall. Next, along the alley was a woman selling Takoyaki. It caught my attention. Anzai had noticed, asking me if I wanted some. I shook my head. I never had it before. My mother wasn't a fan of it. Thus, it was never bought growing up. It would have been a waste of money to buy it and not end up liking it like she hadn't. He didn't seem to like that answer.
"How could you not try Takoyaki in Tokyo?" he asked before walking to the stall.
Yumiko and Kouta went with them. The three of them bought three separate trays from the street vendor. The older woman with gray hair slicked back into a ponytail made their food with ease. It was like she had done it a million times over in her life. She had enough experience for me to wonder if the food was actually good. The three of them made their way back over to me with smiles.
Yumiko used the small, toothpick-like utensil to lift one of the balls into her mouth. She flashed me a thumbs up; it was good. It was nothing more than batter cooked and filled with octopus. It was topped with takoyaki sauce, Japanese mayonnaise, powdered seaweed, and bonito flakes. In theory, it seemed appetizing. However, my mother wasn't a picky-eater, so for her not to like it, I was a bit nervous about my reaction.
Anzai used his own utensil to eat one of the balls. He held out the small tray for me to take one. He had got one for us to share in case I didn't like it. I watched him to gauge his reaction. He appeared content with the flavor, though I caught him wince a bit. Maybe he bit his tongue or something. I shrugged.
I used my own little stick to eat one. It was savory and full of flavor. I couldn't believe that I had never tried it before. I couldn't believe that my mother didn't like them. My opinion on them had forever been changed. Whether it was due to the lady's Takoyaki in particular, or them as a whole.
Anzai, Yumiko, and Kouta gave a round of applause at my approval. We continued our walk down the alleyway. Anzai ate one more of the balls before passing the rest of the tray to me. I gave him a quick thank you before popping another one into my mouth. There were only two more left, and I had no problem finishing them off. Perhaps all I needed was some Takoyaki to eat.
I threw the tray away into a nearby trash can when I finished. "So, how long have you been living alone?" I asked Anzai in an attempt at conversation.
He finished typing out a text message on his phone. He turned the device off, shoving it into his pocket with a shrug. "About two years. I'm the youngest of my siblings. I have two older brothers and a sister who just recently had a baby. I moved out to be away from all the noise whenever they visited my mother's house."
There was nothing about Anzai that could have signalized that he came from such a large family. But, I supposed his reasoning made sense. I knew nothing about having siblings, but I had seen enough television dramas to know it was hectic. Especially being the youngest. He was only twenty-years-old, so that meant he had moved out when he turned eighteen, much like I had.
"What was it like growing up with so many siblings?" I asked.
He looked up for a moment as if he would find the answers in the sky. "Crazy . . . and loud. My brothers picked on me a lot growing up because I was the smallest, but my sister is super nice. Maybe you can meet her one day. I think you guys would get along. I have an older brother, Daichi. My mother had him before she met my father, got married, and had the rest of us. I feel like he's the meanest out of all of us." He smiled in thought of his family, looking down at me. "What about you? Do you have any siblings?"
I shook my head. "My parents had me young and divorced when I was little, so they never had any more kids. My mother never dated again, and my father moved to Hong Kong after the divorce. I haven't seen him since."
It was information that I had told no one other than Yumiko, Hideyoshi, and Kaneki. There was something about Anzai that made him easy to talk to. I couldn't help but open up since he was doing the same. Maybe it was the kind and mature aura that he radiated. I knew he wouldn't judge.
He weaved out of the way of a group of teenagers passing by. "Do you ever miss him?" he asked, and I found myself frowning.
Did I?
It was a sudden question that I hadn't been prepared to answer. Did I miss my father? Sometimes, I forgot what he looked like. Other times, his image was vivid in my head as if I had just seen him yesterday. I didn't remember what his voice sounded like. I didn't remember how tall he was or if he was muscular or thin. All I knew was that he was my father, the star of the Akamine family, the man who named me, and that I looked just like him.
"I didn't really know him enough to miss him," I signed after a minute. "I know he loves me, but obviously not enough if he never called me or came back to visit me."
But, I wonder how he's doing sometimes. That part, I didn't add in. Anzai nodded his head with an expression none other than simple understanding. Maybe my explanation had made sense to him. Maybe it was strange to be talking about it in the middle of the busy alleyway. Though, it wasn't like many knew what we were discussing unless they knew how to sign their hands.
Anzai's hands moved to crack his pinkie finger before signing, "My dad isn't around, either. He was killed before I was born."
"I'm sorry—"
"So, I can relate to how you feel." He gave me a warm, lopsided smile. "How do you miss someone that you don't know much about? But, you still have to hold on to that piece inside saying something about them mattered."
That was exactly it. There was no better way to describe it. Such was the hole a missing parent left in their wake. I appreciated him for talking to me about it rather than brushing it off. I appreciated him for relating and understanding. We had a lot more in common than I thought.
We spent the next hour going from stall to stall. I ended up buying a few new shirts that a girl was selling. He made work of buying a new pair of black stud earrings. I had watched as he unscrewed the silver ones in his ear and replaced them with the new ones. He had checked himself out in the mirror a few times and winked at himself. I laughed.
He motioned ahead to where Yumiko and Kouta were walking. She walked with her hand tucked in his elbow, and the two of them engaged in deep conversation. One could only assume that the date was going well. The chemistry between them was easy to spot out. I could only hope that Kouta treated her well enough to warrant a second date alone.
Anzai adjusted my bag of shirts that he had insisted on carrying around his wrist so that he could sign, "Have you been dating around like Yumiko?"
I shook my head. "No. Have you?"
"No. I don't really have the time, and I haven't been interested in anyone."
That would make sense considering he was working and studying almost twenty-four hours a day. The black raccoon bags around his green eyes were an indicator that he didn't have time to go to the movies with any girl.
"There's this guy that I like, but I was being a bit overbearing, so he snapped and told me to leave him alone," I signed. His frame shook to bark out a laugh. I glared at him. "It's not funny!"
He continued to laugh at my misfortune. "Ah, I'm sorry, Nana. Any guy would be glad to see someone caring about him. Maybe he was just having a bad day or something."
A bad day? More like a bad month.
"Maybe." I sighed, not sure how we had got on the topic of my love life. "But, as of right now, we aren't talking. He's been avoiding me. I'm not going to tell him how I feel."
He shrugged. "Maybe you should wait until he tells you how he feels. A relationship is supposed to be about compromise—about meeting the other in the middle. I'm not saying don't confess or anything, but maybe he blew up like that because he's scared of how things are progressing between you guys. Let him come around."
I nodded. Such was the advice of an older and wiser guy. I was sure Anzai had a lot more knowledge in that department than I did. I was just going to have to take his word for it.
"What does he look like?"
I could feel the blush creeping onto my face. "Um, he has black hair and gray eyes. He's about your height."
"Gray eyes . . ?"
Anzai stopped walking. I did, too, my eyes looking up into his. His expression was a mixture between confusion, shock, and . . . perhaps worry. It was as if the description had been the last thing he was expecting to hear.
I blinked a few times. "What?"
"You like that Kakuto guy?" he asked.
"His name is Kaneki."
Anzai sighed. He continued walking, then, and I fell into step at his side. His reaction had caught me off guard. He made it seem like Kaneki was someone that he knew. And maybe they did know each other. There was a chance that they could have run into each other around campus. That was the more likely scenario. But, I doubted any interaction with the boy would warrant such a . . . crude response.
Anzai shook his head. "Yeah. Disregard everything I just said." He rolled his eyes as if trying to get a thought out of his head. "If we're talking about the same guy, that guy's going through it right now."
I raised a brow in suspicion. "You know him? How?"
"I met him at Anteiku yesterday," he signed, and I instantly knew we indeed were talking about the same guy. "I think he's supposed to start working there. He's the guy with the eyepatch."
I made a face. Everything was all news to me. I hadn't heard of him in days. He hadn't told any of us about trying to work at Anteiku. Not even Hideyoshi knew, as far as I knew. I wondered just what he had been up to since he'd sent me that text message. And why he didn't bother knocking on my door to clear the air between us. If he even wanted to.
Anzai shook his head again to get his point across. "No, I don't think that's a good idea. You should find someone else. Someone like Kouta."
He motioned up to where he and Yumiko were walking. They were all smiles and giggles and laughs. They looked to be enjoying their first date. Yumiko stumbled over her feet, and Kouta quickly grabbed her to steady her upright. She blushed and put her head down. He blushed and fiddled with his hair. They were like something out of a romance movie.
I imagined me in her place. I would be off on my first date. My stomach would be turning in nervousness as I held hands with him. My notebook would be in my other hand, filled with flirts and questions to get to know each other better. I'd look up smiling into his eyes. But, it wasn't the dark eyes of someone like Kouta. Rather, I was met with gray eyes and a gentle smile as he squeezed my hand back.
Whatever reason Anzai had to tell me not to pursue Kaneki . . . I couldn't agree with it. No matter how many times I thought of liking someone else or simply giving up, everything led me back to the same place. I wanted him. No one else would do. I wanted his sarcastic jokes, and his smart comments, and our trips to the library between classes, and us lazing around my apartment as we watched stupid shows on my television. I wanted to hold hands with him as I told him how glad I was to have moved into the apartment next to him. I wanted him to be the one I experienced my first romance with. The embarrassment, the nervousness, the arguments, the ups and downs, I wanted all of it.
I had begun to realize that I liked Ken Kaneki the same way I liked Tokyo. I was nervous at first, then jumped in head first. I got close and familiar enough to call it home. He was that. I wouldn't give up on him because of a measly text message or because of what Anzai said. He was the one that I wanted. No one else would do.
"I can't," I signed, slowly. "He's the one I want."
"I see." Anzai stared straight ahead in thought. "Well, take my advice, then. Let him come to you. Like I said, he's going through a lot right now with everything going on. He looks like he's trying to get a grip on life again. Let him decide when the time is right." He turned to look me in my eyes, in all serious, as he signed the next part, "And if things don't end well, I don't want to be the one to tell you I told you so. I'm on your side, Nana."
I let his words sink in as I watched Yumiko and Kouta go over to play a basketball game. I appreciated his concern, but I was more than prepared to face the consequences that came along with liking Kaneki. He knew the guarded one after the accident. Not the sweet one that was my next-door neighbor. He didn't know him like I did, and I knew he would never hurt me. Just like I would never do anything to hurt him.
We made our way over to the two. Yumiko passed me a basketball to shoot. The four of us wasted time shooting the balls into the nets. In the end, Anzai came first place. Kouta was in second, followed by Yumiko. I had only managed to get one or two points. My mind had wandered off elsewhere.
The man motioned over to a wall of prizes to pick from. Kouta picked a plush, velvet flower and gave it to Yumiko. She blushed, grinned, and accepted it from it. It was a cute sight to see. I was glad that she was enjoying herself. I was sure that she would fill me in with paragraphs of details when we were alone. Especially about how he hadn't asked her bra and panty size . . . hopefully.
Anzai picked out a stuffed animal from the wall. It was a white bunny that resembled the one that we had seen earlier. My jaw nearly dropped when he handed it to me. He explained that he didn't like toys, and he picked that since I couldn't take on the responsibility of having the real thing. The stuffed animal was soft in my hands. I thanked him.
We went back to walking. The crowds were beginning to die down. The sun had disappeared to give way into the night. We had been there for a little over two hours. It was a fun outing. It felt good to know that Yumiko was safe and enjoying herself. I had found hanging out with Anzai fun. We would definitely have to come back one day. Maybe I could bring Hideyoshi next time.
"Nana," he suddenly said, and I looked over at him, my hands holding the rabbit close to my chest. "Whatever decision you make in the long run, I just hope it's one you don't regret. Either way, we'll be here for you."
I smiled, softly. "Thank you, Anzai. For being my friend."
He was a good person. It didn't take much to see that. Though, after spending the evening with him, I saw that he was more than that. He was a great friend. Hopefully, the two of us could spend some more time together and get closer. I liked hearing about his family and learning more about him. And he gave great advice, even if it wasn't his first mind.
He shrugged. "Of course. Besides, you know where I live now. I've dated a couple crazy girls who've popped up at my apartment before, so I don't need you showing up throwing rocks through my window because I gave you bad advice on men. Been there, done that."
I just laughed.
IT HAD HAPPENED one day during the summer. It was one of the warmer days, the breeze blew around heat and the scent of trees. The flowers that had bloomed in spring were still on display to those who took a moment to appreciate their beauty. The streets were littered with old leaves that had fallen from the trees that lined them. The sun's rays had once peaked through them, instead hiding behind the buildings to showcase colors of blues, purples, and oranges across the evening sky. I remembered that day was beautiful.
The streets weren't as crowded as they usually were. Summer was the tourist season in Karuizawa. Well, that and winter. People from Japan came to see the mountains and lakes. They were mainly from Tokyo. The bustling city was only less than two hours away by train. If one wanted to go to the Nagano Prefecture and wanted to see a waterfall, they came to the southeastern part of it, where I happily called home.
I kicked rocks across the sidewalk. My father's hand was wrapped tightly around mine to make sure I didn't get too carried away. It didn't take too much strength to pull my five-year-old body away from oncoming passerbys. I hadn't minded any of the times he'd yanked me away. As long as I didn't lose track of the rock that I had been entertaining.
My father had just got off work not too long ago. He hadn't bothered to change out of his white button-up shirt, red tie, and black slacks. He'd loosened his tie when he came home, dropped his keys on the counter, and told me that he was taking me out to spend time with me. It was something that he rarely ever did. But, at the time, I had been more excited than I ever had been before.
I loved spending time with my father. He was usually working long hours whenever he could. He was a workaholic who buried himself into his job. At the time, I was sad that his already little attention to me was dwindling. Now, I came to realize that he had been looking for excuses to stay away from my mother.
I kicked my rock toward his direction. He'd smiled down at me and kicked it back over. It had been a handsome, dimpled smile. He had a flat mole on his left cheek. It was one of the main things that I remembered about him. People had often asked him if he was my older brother; that day, he had been twenty-three-years-old for all of four months. I supposed he didn't look like a father in the slightest.
He led me into a restaurant with flashing signs on the outside. We sat down at one of the booths against the window. It was tall enough for me to see the few people still walking around outside. The both of us squeezed into one side of the booth. Me on the inside, him on the outside, and two menus between us.
A man came over asking our orders. My father ordered two dark sodas for us. My mother hardly let me have soda. He said that it was a special occasion, and I could have as much as I wanted as long as I kept it a secret between us. We had pinkie promised on our secret. I remembered drinking the soda as if it were the best thing in all of my little five years.
"We have to talk about something important," he'd told me when I was halfway finished with my glass. I looked up at him with big, purple eyes. Matching ones looked down at me. "I'm not going to stay with you and your mother anymore. I'm moving away from Karuizawa."
I nodded with the straw still in my mouth. "Okay. I can take the bullet train to see you."
He shook his head. I didn't understand. I never understood. I was too young to realize the weight of his words. In my head, my family was happy, and it was the best day ever. My father had bought me a soda. I didn't understand.
"Where I'm going, you can't get by train."
"By car, then? You can come pick me up."
His response was flat. "No. I'm moving out of Japan."
My brows pulled low on my face in confusion. "Am I going, too?" I asked, ditching the straw.
"No. You have to stay with Mommy so you can grow up here. This is a safe place for you."
I didn't understand. I didn't understand. I didn't understand.
I didn't spend much time with my father. But, for some reason, his words scared me. Everything was getting all too real all too fast. I had thought it was nothing more than a simple father-daughter dinner. I came to realize that adults talked about serious topics under the guise of dinner. It would take me months to get over my fear of restaurants.
My eyes had begun to well up with tears. "What do you mean? I want to go with you. Why are you leaving Mommy?"
"Sometimes Mommies and Daddies separate, but that doesn't mean I love you any less," he said. I had started crying. He'd lifted a hand to ruffle my hair as a form of affection. "Besides, you're little Lucky Seven. You'll be okay without me."
I used the back of my hand to wipe my eyes. "Will you still call me and write to me?"
"Every day," he'd promised.
I had stopped crying by the time the food came out. Dinner went quietly after that. I didn't even want my soda anymore. I didn't even want to eat my food. The excitement and meal had been ruined by broken promises. He didn't say anything about me not eating. I guess somehow, deep down, he knew he had been the one to cause my loss of appetite.
He'd kissed me on my forehead on the way back home. "I'll always come back for my Nana."
It was when my refusal to eat when I was upset started. It had been a hard habit to kick. Especially when I lost my hearing, and everyone and everything in the world became harder. And despite his words and promises, after my father got on that plane, I'd never seen or heard from him again. He had slowly become a distant memory of my past like that bubbly soda.
I found myself sighing. I'd been staring down at the pages of my book without truly reading them. The clock on my charging phone said that I had been on the same page for over thirty minutes; it was eight o'clock at night. Far later than I had planned to let myself get to.
It was the day after our visit to the flea market. I had been exhausted after class that afternoon and decided to come home and take a nap. I didn't have anything to make for dinner. I left it up to me when I woke up to grab something from the convenience store. My eyelids could barely keep from falling during my last class. Unfortunately, I hadn't heaved the warning that it would rain later in the night.
I stood up from where I sat on the floor in front of my small table. It was better to go get something while I could. It was already dark and raining out, but I couldn't go without eating. I hadn't bothered to eat anything all day. The last thing that I had ate had been Takoyaki with Anzai yesterday. If my mother were to hear about it, she'd be on the next train out here to lecture me and drag me back home.
I slid into a pair of warm jeans with rips in the knees. It wasn't practical, but it was the first pair I'd seen. With a jacket and shoes, it'd be enough to brave the rain outside. I was suddenly very irritated that I didn't have an umbrella. If only I had just gone after class like anyone else would have.
The streets were wet. They reflected stop signs and lights off the surface of them. The wind had picked up to blow my hair around. There were very few people outside. Those who were carried umbrellas and walked with urgency to get back to their homes. I must not have been the only one who didn't grab dinner before the rain started.
I kept my head low and pulled my hood over my head to shield my face. The walk to the store was no more than ten minutes. It would be twenty minutes in total, there and back. If I speed-walked, it would be even shorter.
I was covered in droplets of rain by the time I reached the store. The sliding glass doors opened for me when I approached them. I stepped inside, stomping a few times to dry off my shoes and shake off some of the rain. A woman behind the counter mouthed a greeting to me. I gave her a wave. It hadn't been the first time I'd seen her working there.
There were only about five people in the store, excluding her and I. The overhead lights were white and blinding. They made the white walls and floor of the store look extra clean. I instantly felt bad for not having an umbrella.
The process was fast. I grabbed a cup of noodles, a green tea, and a pack of onigiri. I would do some actual shopping tomorrow when I wouldn't have to carry anything home in the rain.
I was getting my drink out of the refrigerators when I noticed. Three men dressed in all black had crowded the section holding cans of beer. A few of them were already opened whether they had paid for them or not. I made a face. I hadn't thought it to be one of the nights that called to get drunk on beers. But, to each their own, I guessed. I hadn't paid attention to their eyes on me as I paid for my dinner.
I left the store with all of my items in a black bag. My hood had stayed in place over my head. The tips of my bangs had gotten wet, sticking to my forehead in black strands. I would have to dry off when I got home. I would also have to wash my clothes, seeing as how they were getting wet. An umbrella definitely would have saved me a lot of trouble.
A crossed the crosswalk when it signalized for me to. There were progressively fewer and fewer people out now that the rain had started to pick up. The wind was carrying droplets hard enough to hit me in the face now. The faster I got home, the better.
I saw them out of the corner of my eye once I was across. The three men from the convenience store were walking not too far behind me. They were stumbling with beers in hand. Their faces were bowed low to protect them from the showers above. I frowned. Maybe it was a coincidence. Maybe they lived in the same direction. So, in order to see, I made a left when I should have made a right.
And so did they.
I turned another left. So did they. I made another left to which they followed. After the fourth left, which had successfully made us do a full unnecessary circle around the block, I came to the conclusion that they were following me. Even if they did live in the same direction, there was no reason for them to make the same circle. They were obviously up to no good, and if they had already tried to shout something to me, I hadn't heard it.
I could feel the adrenaline making my heart speed up. There were so many emotions racing through me at once. Fear, anxiety, fight or flight. I knew I needed to do something in the off chance that things could go wrong.
My hands felt around my back pockets for my phone. Empty. I had left it charging on the table when I left. I let out a curse. There weren't too many people I could've texted for help, anyway. Anzai was probably just getting off work. Yumiko would take too long. I haven't spoken to Hideyoshi, so who knew if he would answer. I lived alone. All the variables weren't pointing in a good direction.
I needed to do something.
So, I ran. My feet created small splashes in the rain as they padded across the sidewalk. I wouldn't have much luck trying to get someone on the street to help me. My words would come out jumbled, and I wouldn't be able to hear a response. Maybe I could have run back into the store. But, what if the men following me didn't care? They could have easily followed me inside, waiting for me to leave. Perhaps then I could've used someone's phone inside to call Anzai. He would have come, but I didn't have his number memorized. It was a messed up situation.
I turned another corner that led to my apartment building. I could get home and lock myself inside until morning came. They couldn't be brave enough to go that far. I had seen things happen in movies and books. This was real life. I wouldn't end up a girl whose story was tragically displayed on the news coming twelve o'clock. There was no way my luck had run out that fast.
But, I fell. I slipped on a puddle, my body lurched forward, and I crashed down onto the sidewalk. It was then that my eyes started to water. The holes in my jeans let my knees get scrapped up by the concrete. My hands skiddled against the ground in an attempt to break my fall. It stung, and it burned, and it was all too much. I felt defeated. I felt afraid. I felt like every mistake I had ever made in my life had come back to bite me in the ass.
Then, the rain stopped. And so did my heart.
It felt as if the world around me had stilled. Water was no longer dropped down on me in sorry droplets. Everything halted. There was no movement, no rain, no creepy men . . . only the image of black shoes in front of me.
My gaze trailed up the pair of legs they belonged to. Black jeans, a black jacket, and then gray eyes. It felt as if the air had been taken from my lungs. I wasn't sure if the gasp that I let out was audible. I didn't care anymore. For that moment, I saw nothing else but Ken Kaneki holding an umbrella over where I sat crouched on the sidewalk.
He had covered me and, in turn, allowed himself to get drenched. His hair was getting wet from the rain. It stuck to his face like black ink staining white pages. His eyes were gentle. Or, his single eye. The other one was covered by a white medical eyepatch like Anzai said. One corner of his lips pulled into a tiny smile. He crouched a bit, his free hand reaching out to me to offer assistance. He was there. He was real.
It had been so long since I saw him. A part of me thought that I would forget his face like I did my father's. But, there he was. He was still him. He was still breathtakingly handsome. He was still alive and fighting.
I took his hand. He helped me onto my feet; the umbrella moved to cover the both of us. His hands moved to sign two simple phrases to me. I could feel my eyes go wide. Nothing else existed in that moment—there were only the two of us.
"I'm sorry."
I cried. I let out the cry that I had been holding in since I'd noticed the men following me. I let out the cry I had been holding in since Yumiko had been asking me what was wrong. I let out the cry I'd been holding in since Hideyoshi had spent the night. I let out the cry I had been holding in since my father stopped answering the phone. And he didn't protest as I threw myself into his arms. He said nothing as I wailed. He was completely silent as he moved my hood further over my head to shield me from the rain.
There were so many things that I wished for. I wished that I hadn't lost my hearing and could have been normal. There were so many things that I wished that I could change. I felt like being around me was a burden for my friends because of how different I was. I felt helpless at times. It would have saved a lot of frustration and heartache in the long run. I wished that I could tell him why I was crying, even if there were a hundred reasons why. And that he was at least ten of them.
Things had happened. Things had changed. But, that was okay. Unlike most people, he had come back for me. He had come back. Even if it was by accident and coincidence, I was fine with that.
Hello, everyone! I'm sorry for the late update. The seasons changed, and I got the flu, unfortunately. I've also been slightly unmotivated because I feel like the story is getting less traffic than it was. Can't let that get me down, though! I appreciate everyone who is staying, reviewing, and liking along Nana's journey! You guys rock and always make my day!
Updates should continue on the regularly scheduled program now!
Random Fact of the Chapter: Shida Yumiko's height is 5'5" or 166cm.