See end of chapter for Author's Notes.

Ah, the old bog god. Alec Holland, lovely bloke. Fell in a swamp and came back the avatar of The Green, some kind of nature… dimension… thing from whence all plant life springs. I'm not totally clear on the details, but he's a big player in supernatural affairs. Or he would be if he ever got involved in that kind of business. Which he doesn't. He's an actual god, not one of those poncy Themyscrians or something whose only claim to the name of deity is a drop of divine blood and the ability to suplex a train. He's a true avatar of a fundamental aspect of reality.

Which is why it was deeply worrying that he appeared to be meeting with an ecoterrorist in the middle of a goddamn city park.

Gotham Park is one of the biggest in the state, a proper little nature reserve you can get lost in if you aren't careful, deep and dark as any forest. This is partly because a certain supervillain kept, ah, 'expanding' it every couple of years, and partly due to the fact the city council got the ill-advised idea that if they made the city pretty enough nobody would ever notice it was a hellhole.

The problem with that idea was that the place isn't even that pretty. Me and Huntress had been slogging knee-deep in brambles and nettle patches for ten straight minutes to get to the meeting place without having to take one of the regular, highly visible park paths. My legs were cut to shreds and stung all over, and given Huntress wasn't even wearing pants I could see for my damn self she wasn't doing any better. Which made it slightly embarrassing that I was the one hissing in pain and cursing whilst she was being all stoic and silent.

Bloody superheroes, total showoffs, I swear to god.

Eventually we breached a clearing. As soon as we reached the edge of the foliage Huntress grabbed me by the shoulder and threw me down to conceal us both in a particularly thorny bush, getting my face scraped and cut as badly as my legs had been in the process.

"Bloody hell, what was that f-"

"Shhh!" She growled harshly at me. "Quiet, idiot. They're right next to us!"

That was total nonsense, I'd been keeping an eye out, the only people I'd seen out here so far was a pair of yuppie types in business suits. They were just over there, next to the pond, just kind've awkwardly staring at it with their-

With their creepy glowy green eyes and bulging green veins all across their faces.

Yikes, okay. Guess they were right next to us after all.

One of them was carrying something in their hands. A potted plant, held with almost reverent care. He laid it down at the edge of the water. The pool was once a pond, perhaps, but now it was more of a black swamp pool, oozing and bubbling. The pot plant was- I don't know, I'm not a botanist. It had a long stalk that bent over so the flower could hang downward from it, the flower itself being a dark red… bell shape? Maybe more of a trumpet, with a long bulb that flared out rather than inward at the end.

They pushed it into the water, the surface rippling as the bottom of the pot sank down into it, deeper, until the pot itself was fully enveloped and only the stalk and flower stuck out above the surface. There was a pregnant pause as the two plant-zombies stared into the water, expectantly.

"I know you're listening, Swamp Thing." Spoke the one on the right, in too soft and too feminine a voice for their throat. The body was male, but the voice was clearly not. "Come out. I brought you something special tonight. Brugmansia Sanguinea, extinct outside captivity. I know you want it, and I Don't have all day."

There was another one of those pauses, before the pot plant… stirred. It slowly grew taller, the stalk extending until it was the height of either of the zombies, and then it started to branch out. Fresh growth ripped from the left side of the stalk, then the right, two new branches emerging as sap oozed and dead plant matter displaced by the eruption fell to the ground. Fresh flowers bloomed from both branches as they thickened into arms, and two more branches erupted into legs from lower down. At the same time the flower bulb twisted, turned, doubled and then quadrupled in size. The petals flared out even wider, stretching unnaturally as the stamen and stigmata intertwined, thousands of new fronds appearing and blossoming almost fractally, knotting together to form eyes, then a mouth. Lips and ears.

The whole plant took the form of a man over the course of maybe ten seconds, a man covered in hundreds of those blossoming scarlet bulbs that were apparently extinct in the wild.

Alec Holland, The Swamp Thing, the old bog god, was in the building.

I was absolutely certain that he'd seen me. The flower had been staring right at me whilst it was forming into a face, but for now it was just looking impassively and unimpressed at the two plant zombies stood in front of it.

"Still scared of me I see, Miss Ivy. Too afraid to come in person." The words came from the Swamp Thing's throat like the creaking of trees in Autumn. The plants themselves vibrated and resonated to form the sounds. It was mostly wood clicking and clacking together, though there was hints of string and rushing air from the vibrations of stamen and flowers rustling together to add subtler harmonics. It could go from rough and grating to smooth as silk in an instant, with no rhyme or reason I could ever detect.

Both zombies bowed deeply to him, going down onto one knee before standing. That's how you could tell they're zombies, no real yuppie in a suit that nice would ever get their outfits that muddy by kneeling in the dirt.

"Greetings, oh avatar of The Green. And I would not call myself scared, merely prudent. I know you disapprove of my… activities, however much they are to your benefit. I doubt you'd attempt to stop us, but I would prefer not to take the risk."

The two zombies talked in unison. An eerie harmony, even the tones were perfectly matched and every bit as unnatural from either one of their lips.

"I disapprove, yes, but your activities strengthen the Green, rather than weaken it. Whatever my thoughts on your methods, I will not lower myself to stop you for that alone. Speak, though. That does not mean I am inclined to listen to you for any longer than I have to."

Heh, Alec was in full-on god mode, huh? I've had proper friendly chats with him before, guy has a stick up his arse but he can be good fun. Smoked weed with him one time, shocked as I am he can even still get high. But right now he was projecting nothing but power. Nature in all its glory, petals shimmering in the dim, dark light.

"Then I'll get straight to the point. You've told me before that Joker or Fear toxins getting added to water sources is, as you put it, a 'Mortal Problem', no matter how many plants it warps or kills. It's not attacking the soul of plantlife itself, or however you define it, so it's my job to deal with. Fine. If you insist." They'd kept an utterly professional composure so far, but now it was starting to crack, bitterness seeping in to their voices. "But this time The Scarecrow's attempting something outside of my wheelhouse. Fear Toxin with supernatural elements. Demonic or ghostly or… something. And you know full well he's dumping that in the water supply or spraying it from a plane the first chance he gets. If he adds a demon to his toxin and infects the environment with it, would that be tearing at the soul of The Green, Alec Holland? Would that be more than a mere mortal problem?"

Huntress let out a hiss at my side, and it was my turn to shush her. She shut up dutifully, though she gave me a questioning look. Yeah, I know. Demons are my area. Guess I was going to have to fix this after all.

The Swamp Thing seemed to give Poison Ivy's question a moment's consideration, before slowly bowing his head. "Yes, it would be. Fortunately, it would appear I need not get involved regardless. An expert has already been… called in."

It was at this point that those botanical eyes turned to me. The two plant zombies followed the Swamp Thing's gaze back towards me, and out of the blue the bush came alive, every last little twig and leaf coming together to eject me from my hiding spot, as I went tumbling into the dirt.

"Cripes! Oi, the hell was that for!?" I cursed, as I scrambled to my feet and wiped the dust from my coat. I glanced back to Huntress but she was already gone, in the wind. She'd abandoned me in my hour of need, the bloody coward.

I could be mad about that later. Right now, I had three sets of eyes staring me down, each one a botanical abomination capable of tearing me limb from limb with a thought, and as much as I knew full well Alec liked me… Poison Ivy had a reputation for killing men for giving her the wrong look. Frankly as best I understood she had a reputation for killing men just for being men. Both in the sense of human and the sense of male.

At least a poisoned kiss was a decent way to go, but without her being physically present I likely wouldn't even get that if she decided to off me. Life could be so unfair.

"Who?" The two zombies asked, going back to that professional, villainous mode as soon as they became aware of my presence. Back to projecting menace, rather than bitter frustration. Their faces more neutral, impassive. Looking like actual zombies, rather than angry supervillains staring out from behind eyes that weren't their own.

Alright, all eyes were on me. Time to make a good first impression John, or at least a better impression than falling flat on your face in the dirt just made.

"John Constantine, as your service." I bowed with a flourish. Confidence is everything with these types, if they think you know what you're doing they might just not have the guts to call you on it. "You must be Poison Ivy, and- Swampy, a pleasure. Apologies for eavesdropping, I was just on a walk and you know how these things go… wandered in, but I didn't want to interrupt."

The two zombies had poker faces to die for. Quite literally, heh. As did the bog god, but I got the impression neither believed me. An impression that was confirmed as soon as the bog god spoke up.

"You are here about the Scarecrow." It was a statement, not a question. One that surprised me a little.

"Yeah, sure, of course I am. But I've gotta ask, mate, how do you even know? Don't recall running into him next to a patch of begonias, y'know?"

"You would only come across the ocean if there was trouble, much less to a city such at this one. There is no other magical trouble in Gotham here except the Scarecrow. At least, not tonight. It could only be him."

"Alright, alright, It's a fair cop." I raise my hands innocently. "Though I dunno what he's even doing. That's the thing. You guys probably know more'n I do. He's sticking a demon into his… fear… gas… thing? Why… why not just summon a demon the regular way? They cause enough fear as it stands."

The two zombies gave Alec a look, before saying "This is your expert? He doesn't even know the proper term for the fear toxin. He looks like a clown, and acts like one too. I should kill him for eavesdropping and be done with it, if this is all the help you'll give me."

They advanced a step but I held my ground. Not showing fear. "Kill me and you're left in the lurch. He's right, I'm the expert in magic and demonology around here. But you're right too, I don't know dick about this superhero running-about-in-funny-outfits stuff. All greek to me. I know the magic, you know the capes, reckon we oughta team up?"

They actually seemed to consider it this time. They were still staring at me with those cold dead eyes, though. I could see them weighing it up. I thought for a second I could sense a minute difference between them, the right more confident in me than the left, but it passed in an instant and could have been a trick of the light.

"He has aided you before, Alec? Protected The Green, saved it?" The zombies asked. The bog god nodded in reply, plainly.

"Against the Ivunche, and many more. I consider him a friend to myself, and to all plants."

I could see the two zombie's expressions soften a little. Going from considering to receptive.

"Yeah, that's me. Friend to the plants and all that. Donated to Greenpeace just last week, I did." I chuckled, going for what I thought was a friendly smile, but which only made the zombies narrow their eyes at me, turning suspicious in an instant.

"Are you mocking me?" They asked, voices cold as ice.

Okay, maybe Greenpeace was the wrong call. Not meant to donate to them anymore, right? Some scandal a few years back or something? Uh-

"I saved him from the Ivunche. That should be all the credentials I need." I stood straighter, squared my shoulders. If she was spoiling for a fight, I wouldn't make myself an easy looking target. I knew she could kill me easily, but she didn't know that. Yet. Maybe I could convince her I was more dangerous than I looked.

It didn't seem to be working. The zombies stepped forward, thorned vines sprouting from their feet wherever they stepped. I took a lighter and a silk cut ciggy from my pockets, cool as you like, lighting it up and taking a casual drag from it.

"Try me. But if you do, you never figure out how to stop that demon Scarecrow's trying to summon. And your precious plants all die, horribly."

Vines erupted from the ground, crushing my ankles as they snaked up my legs, rooting me to the ground. Don't scream, John. Even if it hurts, don't scream. The zombies step up towards me, flanking me like a wolfpack, looking at me like a man looks at an ant, barely even interested as they constricted and trapped me. I strained to keep my calm, taking another drag of the cigarette. Blowing smoke in one of their faces.

"They might just die anyway if you piss me off. Maybe I'll ask somebody else for help, hm? Freeze? Penguin? But it'll be slower. Maybe Scarecrow'll dump just a little of the toxin before I can stop him, just enough to kill a few bushes here and there, then-"

The vines creep up to my waist, under my shirt… and they squeeze. I think I feel something in my leg break.

"And maybe I'll just break a few bones here and there, too." The zombies retort. "Or maybe we can both get what we want. Tell me how to stop a demon… and the pain stops. It's as simple as that."

I look to the bog god, and he seems disinclined to help. Bloody neutral passive bastard… I know he said we're even after he helped me with the Resurrection Crusade a few years back but he's meant to be my mate! He was meant to help me when I-

At least somebody was in my corner. I could see Huntress poking her head out of the bushes, lining up a shot on the lead zombie. But the pain was getting to be too much. It was like a vice around my chest, about to shatter my ribcage. I was about to break, about to beg, to tell her just to be let go… but the sight of Huntress made me grit my teeth. Made me think maybe I'd get out of this after all, and gave me the strength to spit on the zombie's shiny, overly-expensive yuppie boots and growl

"Up yours, mate. You're not stupid enough to kill me. You care too much. But go ahead, prove me wrong. Kill me, and half your precious environment, too."

The two zombies grinned. That smile was a vicious, predatory thing. Smug and satisfied as a lion in their den, as the one in front of me raised a hand and brought those vines covering me up to my neck. One wrapped around my throat. Why the fuck do people keep trying to choke me out these days? I felt it constrict, tightening around my airways, darkness creeping into the edges of my vision, as-

As a voice splits the air.

"Iiivvyyy! What's takin' you so long! You were meant to be done like, an hour ago, we have a date!"

"Oh for fuck's sake." One Ivy-zombie facepalmed as the other turned around. Huntress retreated back into the bushes, plants covering her as somebody else entirely sauntered down the path. It was a very dangerous and vaguely drunk sounding girl with a baseball bat slung over her shoulder. Blonde hair, but with two pigtails which looked like they'd been dipped in paint, one pink, one blue. Plus a sports bra that was split in colour down the middle, one side black and one white.

Oh, yeah, and her skin was white as chalk. I may have been relatively ignorant about these things but I knew who this one was at least, Harley Quinn. The Joker's… girlfriend? Ex girlfriend? Ex girlfriend, judging by the mention of a date.

The zombies shifted modes immediately, going from stoic and intimidating to casual, placative.

"Harls, we talked about this, I'm working." Said the one on the right. "If you want to help, you can, but we need to finish this before we can do date night, okay?"

"Yeah, sure, right, right." Harley said, swinging the bat idly across the floor. It's only now that she spotted me, and her eyes lit up with delight. "Ooh! Who's the pretty boy? We killing him?"

"Yes, we're killing him, just as soon as he tells me how to stop whatever demon Scarecrow's summoning."

I struggled and strained against the vines constricting me, but I didn't find any leverage. I was wrapped in a cocoon, and was probably buggered. I still had a lighter in hand, though. If I could pick my moment… these vines are mostly wet plant-matter, but if I could find any wood, maybe I could light it up, and then- what, toast myself before she could kill me? Force her to let me go, I was hoping, but…

"I ain't telling you shit." I told her, trying to distract her whilst I looked for a decent spot to torch. "Like I said, if you kill me, the Scarecrow gets what he-"

"Ooooh listen to his funny accent!" The supervillain goddamn squealed. Harley Quinn, murderous psychopath… squealed like a little girl. Yeah, really. I could see the two zombies shuffle in embarrassment, looking away. "Oh, we can't kill him now, I love British accents! We've gotta keep him. As long as he behaves, anyway."

She rested the bat on her shoulder, looking at me with a smirk, taking me in like I was a sweet treat to be eaten. Okay now I definitely needed to escape. I tend to prefer to be the dangerous ones in my relationships.

She patted the bat against my cheek, looking me in the eyes as she said "And you are gonna behave, right? Tell Ivy… uh… whatever it is about the Scarecrow we need ta know?"

"How to unsummon a demon." The zombie provided.

"Right, right, that, sure." Harley chuckled.

"Uh-" I started, scrambling to get my brain in gear, to keep up with a conversation that was rapidly spiralling out of control. "It ain't exactly that simple, loves, much as I wish it was. Depends on the kind of demon, how it was summoned, and a bunch of other factors. Now If I could get a chance to see it, on the other hand…"

"Aw, you hear that? He called me love." Harley cooed, swooning. "Now we're definitely keeping him!" Why did I suspect she hadn't heard a word of that after 'love'?

"You can't just collect everybody with a foreign accent you run into. Remember the canadian guy two weeks ago? You got bored of him in a week and caved his head in."

"But this one'll be different! This one's pretty, too!"

I could see the Ivy-zombie's brow twitch at that. Hoh-kay, time to take the reigns before jealousy gets added to the list of reasons Ivy has to murder me.

Or on the other hand… I could always try to make things even worse.

"Y'know, that sounds pretty fun. Room, board, and two beautiful women looking after me? Where do I sign up?" I gave a shit-eating grin, not breaking eye-contact with Ivy's zombie the whole time. That gets another squeal from Harley, who says

"Yesss! Yes yes yes, now we've got to! See? He wants to! We've gotta keep him."

The zombie pinched the bridge of its nose, shaking its head. "No. Not a chance. We're not-"

"Wouldn't be the first time I've been wrapped up as a gift for somebody's girlfriend. I'm used to it, at this poi-" I started, before the zombie's nostrils flared, and the vines tightened around my throat again, cutting off my airways before I could finish the quip. Harley gave the zombie an appalled look once she heard me let out a choked gasp of pain.

"Ivy!"

"Harls. No. I'm just gonna kill him. He's annoying, we'll find you another British guy later."

"No! No killing him. I like him, he's got spunk. He's spunky. Enough to actually flirt back whilst cocooned. Besides…" That childlike affect dropped, and for a moment Harley looked almost sly. I could see actual intelligence behind those eyes for the first time since she entered the scene, as she wrapped an arm around the zombie's waist, pulling it close whilst looking right at me, saying "...We really could use a pet wizard. He's a demon-guy right? Penguin's got a wizard on side now. Scarecrow does too. We'll fall behind if we ain't careful."

I opened my mouth to say something, but couldn't find the air to speak the words. So instead I summoned all my strength to put on a flirtatious, confident smirk and wink at Harley. She giggled in response, winking back and beaming at me… and all at once the cocoon fell away, and I dropped to the floor, gasping for air like a fish.

"Alright, look." The zombie folded it's arms, sighing. "I'm not letting Harley take another pet, but she has a point about not killing you. Much as I'm loathe to admit it. We do need a magic guy to deal with Scarecrow, so… What'll it take to get you out of my hair? To get you to deal with Scarecrow and fuck off?"

"Just- ach… point me at him. Tell me where to find him, what you know about his… his plan… and I can- I can do the rest for you." I felt at my throat and at my leg. They both throbbed with pain but I didn't think I felt anything broken.

"Done. Two-twenty-eight olive street, the private air-strip. All I really know about the plan is 'demons in the fear toxin, put it on a plane and spread it'. Now get the hell out of my sight, before I decide to let her keep you."

I stood up shakily, giving a betrayed look to Alec. The Swamp Thing had just stood there the entire damn time watching in total silence, and now it sensed it was no longer needed it started to shrink away, withering back into the swampy pond. The pond dried up as it suddenly blossomed with life in the wake of the elemental thing it had just played host to, as the Swamp Thing left behind a flourishing patch full of the plant from whence it came, which was no longer quite as extinct in the wild as it had been before.

I flipped him the bird as he vanished. Useless sod.

"Whaddya mean 'let her'? We are keeping him, right?" Harley whined, that sly look gone. Apparently she was bored of logic, and now was trying to win Ivy over with puppy-dog eyes instead. It would probably be cute, if I didn't know who the person giving them was.

"No." was the only answer she got.

"Awh, you're no fun when you're not here in person…" Harley pouted, brushing a hand across the zombie's chest… before trailing it lower, across his belly… and then lower still. "If you were actually here I'd know just how to convince ya~"

Aaaand that was my queue to leave. I don't quite break into a sprint, much as I wanted to, but I turned on my heels and go. I had the information I needed… kind of. Much as the bog god had thrown me under the bus a little to get me it. There was no real reason for me to stay.

I could still hear them bickering as I made my way down the path Harley had entered by. No more trudging through the bushes for me, since I didn't need to try to be stealthy anymore.

So that was the famous Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn? Even if I hadn't met the former in the flesh, they were still…

Very much what I'd expected to start with, but as soon as you put them together they were totally different people. More like actual people than the monsters I'd expected… or the monster I'd seen before Harley showed up.

Made me wonder if they were all like that. Scarecrow'd seemed like an affable enough chap too before I found out who he was. Human after all, huh?

I was still thinking on the whole affair when I got ambushed by Huntress again. She just emerged from a bush like it was nothing, falling into step next to me.

"...So… to be clear. You just tried to hit on Harley Quinn." She said, clearly holding back a smirk.

"I was trying to extract myself from a very tense situation." I replied, defensively.

"By flirting with freaking Harley Quinn."

"Purely to save me own skin!"

"So you like freaky in bed, huh? Eh, not like I can judge, I'm the same." She chuckled, casual as anything.

"Not that bloody freaky! I like all me blood inside've me body, thank you very much. In bed as much as anywhere else. She was gonna cave me head in with the bat before she heard me bloody voice!"

Her chuckle turned into an actual laugh in response to that. "Yeah, I heard that bit too. Don't let the compliments to your head, the girl's loco, you know. The fact she was saying you of all people are pretty is how you can tell."

"Oi!" I grinned in reply, finding her laughter infectious. "Take that back! You don't need to be all THAT bonkers to think I'm pretty, do you?"

"Totally crazy. Round the bend. Nuttier than a fruitcake." She kept on teasing, after a brief paranoid glance aside, maybe wondering if the plants and trees on the path we were walking were still the kind that could hear us.

"Well, to be fair, you're right about that. She DOES have a silly name and dress up in funny outfits to beat people up…" I countered.

"Oi, now you take that back yourself, mister!"

We continued like that as we made our way through the park, and then through the city streets. Sharing jokes, sharing a laugh.

For all the stupid costumes, she really was a person under there. Even having seen her in action.

The super types probably all were, really, until the shit hits the fan. I'd seen Huntress in action too, seen her terrify a poor shopkeeper and help wreck up his shop and all his merchandise. She'd been one of the ones to wreck Maurice's place, a few weeks back.

So I knew I had to steel myself. Because I was going to have to go with Huntress down to that private airstrip Poison Ivy had pointed me to, soon. And when I got there I couldn't expect to find the human behind the Scarecrow mask there. I'd be facing down the monster, instead.

Author's Notes: So that was a much busier chapter than usual. Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn are definitely the biggest characters I've had in either of these stories so far. Hopefully I did them justice? I was planning to base Harley on her Harley Quinn tv show incarnation, but it came out closer to the one from the Arkham Asylum games, mostly as I needed her acting a little ditzier than usual to fit the scene.

This was another buffer-less chapter, but I think this one came out very well, except for maybe the very end. I'd like to hear if you all agree. The next one will be too, but after that I have a holiday which should allow me to get back on track and to devote as much time as I usually would to making sure the chapters come out how I want them to.

Let me know what you thought in the comments!