I felt like an arse.

A wet arse, too. A big, wet, stupid arse, who was too big and stupid to even realise what an arse he was.

A wet arse 'cause I was standing in the rain, a big arse because I was standing on a roof in plain sight of everybody, and a stupid arse because I'd agreed to go along with this plan in the first place.

"Oh, don't make such a sour face. You'll be fine." Huntress gave me a pat on the cheek, but it only made me scowl even harder. I had to wonder if scowling would only make things worse. Most of the heroes around here were pretty fond of scowls, and I had to admit, standing on a roof in the rain, in a trenchcoat, with my sidekick in tow, I sure as hell looked like a bloody superhero.

"Let's just get this over with. Make it quick, so I can get back to London where people don't all behave like raving loonies." I grumbled. The one benefit of being up here was we could see the entire airstrip down below. It was a private one, belonging to some wealthy git of another who decided they wanted their own plane, but currently it was being loaded up with what I presumed was Scarecrow's fear toxin, based on what Ivy had told me.

Most of the people doing the loading down there were regular old goons, but directing them was the guy from the Iceberg Lounge. Mr Orange-and-Green. Mirror Master, the fabled M.M who'd delivered me my letter and spoken to me over the phone.

"It's not stupid, John. We're doing this for a reason." She explained very slowly, like she was talking to a child. "We're here to be symbols, shadows in the night. To strike terror into their hearts. That means they need to see us. Striking a silhouette, a figure in the distance, standing in the rain. See? They've spotted us."

They had indeed. One of the low-level goons looked up and pointed whilst the rest started scurrying about. I saw Mirror Master rush out from the warehouse they were unloading the toxin from, and then yell what was probably orders, not that I could make out the details of what he was saying from up here.

Great, now we didn't even have the element of surprise. I folded my arms, grunting a sigh as she continued her little tutorial in the sacred art of being a ponce.

"They're scared, scurrying about… and then we wait for the crack of lightning, and…"

She paused for an awkwardly long time. Five seconds passed, then ten, before we got lucky enough for a flash of lightning to hit, and she grabbed me by the shoulder, hauling me down, flat onto my face where they presumably couldn't see me.

"Oi, gerroff!" I flailed and flapped my coat, but didn't actually resist. She knew best, I guessed, at least in this area, though it didn't feel it at the time. I was laid down against flat concrete, soaked through, shivering my arse off. I was going to get frostbite at this rate. Any plan that led to this had to be a bad one. "Look I appreciate a good scare, luv, but it is not worth going through all this for it. Doubly since it means now they're coming right for us. I know you can put up a fight, but they'll kick me bloody arse if they catch me!"

"Then don't let them catch you." She smirked. She was having entirely too much fun with this. Entirely too much fun. She waited for the next lightning flash, and then hauled us both across another roof. I was already gasping for breath, struggling to keep up with the leaping and jumping. It paid off, though. I could see two of the thugs knocking on the door of the building we'd just been standing on, trying to either intimidate the owner into opening up, or break the door down so they could get onto the roof, get to us.

"What do you do if there isn't any lightning, then?"

"Eh, improvise. Gust of wind, yelling from another street, car pulling up. But lightning is best. Lightning is always best." Huntress took out a spare crossbow and laid it on the edge of the roof. This was one of those rooves with a little balcony wall which she was taking full advantage of. She laid the crossbow against the wall, lined up her shot, before she flipped a switch on the side and bolted.

"Time delay." She explained. "Lets me make them think I'm somewhere I'm not, or in two places at once. I'll come back and pick up the bow in a minute, before they find it and realise the trick."

About thirty seconds later we were on a third roof above an ice cream shop, on the other end of the street, and my lungs felt like they were about to explode. I saw the crossbow with the time delay fire, lodging into a wall just to the right of one of the Scarecrow's thugs at ground level. Maybe five seconds later Huntress fired a shot from her own crossbow from a totally different direction, hitting the leg of the goon in question. He went down with a howl of pain I could hear all the way up here, and two of his buddies rushed to help him whilst the rest looked around confused, not sure which direction to go, which attack to respond to. Left or right? They didn't know.

Okay I had to admit. That, at least, kept them in disarray a little bit. Bought us some actual time to work with. It took Mirror Master stalking over and corralling them to get them to actually start moving again, instead of just milling about uselessly looking like a bunch of spooked chickens.

"There he is. Already out of the airstrip and into the street. Sloppy of him. This might be boring after all."

"Boring?" I looked up at her in horror. "I'm about to have to go in front of that maniac and you think this is going to be boring?"

"Oh, you'll be fine, you big baby." She started idly reloading her crossbow as she talked, as a few of the goons on the street started heading towards our building, apparently having spotted us. "And if not, I'll bail you out. Besides, this plan was your idea, remember?"

"Don't make it any less stupid. Reckon it's about time I step in, then?" I have no clue how to judge these things. We've definitely kicked the hornet's nest, though. I can see about a dozen guys running about down there, split half 'n half between hanging back and guarding the plane and pissing about in the street looking for us. Worse odds than I'd like, but at least the important bit was accomplished, luring them out here.

And now it was time for me to go from being a stupid arse to a stupid and probably dead arse.

Or at least a smacked one? This metaphor was getting away from me.

"About time, yes."

I stopped to think one last time before leaving. We'd spent hours poring over maps of this area of the city, planning this all out in advance. I practically had the layout of the city streets burnt into my retinas by now, but that didn't mean my spatial awareness was up to snuff. We were half way down Clyver street, barely out from the airstrip, which meant…

I took the fire-escape down and into an alley, and there I stopped, planting a hand on a cold stone brick wall.

This all felt so surreal. It really wasn't my world. Familiar, yet not. I'd been chased down dank alleys in the rain more times than I could count, by thugs too, but they weren't usually the kind wearing fancy outfits and creepy straw sackcloth masks to mark themselves. They felt more like cultists to me, really. And I couldn't even spook them or make them run away, bluff or talk them down, since their gang boss was the god of fear himself.

Good news was, much as this wasn't my world I still had a plan. And I was still going to kick their arses. Kind of, anyway.

I did as Huntress had suggested. Waited for a strong gust of wind before I stepped out of the alley, let my coat billow as I walked into the street, cool-as-you-like. Several of the henchmen turned to face me. Mirror Master did too, but whilst the henchmen were already reaching for guns and baseball bats, drawing weapons, his first response was to grin from ear to ear.

"Johnny boy!" He raised an arm to give me an exaggerated wave from across the street. "Heyo! Weren't expecting to see you again so soon! What, didn't you read the letter? Should've known not to come here!"

This was the only part of the plan that wasn't practised and choreographed. I needed a witty line to get him hooked, make me think I'm playing his game. "I read it. Just plain sad, threatening an old man like that. What, too scared to pick on somebody who can actually put up a fight?"

"Eh, you ain't that old, mucker, you're like… fifty a' so?"

Uh- I'd meant him threatening my damn family, but even so. My brain stalled a little at the non-sequitur response, and by the time I'd figured out which of the two of us had gotten confused, the windows on the street around me had started reflecting his face, as his voice came from a thousand different angles. "Besides, I'm about to show you that it's much more'n just a threat."

I didn't want to see what he could do with those mirrors, so I turned on the spot and bolted.

A few of the henchpeople started to give chase, but they were bogged down by their weapons, and I wasn't in too bad shape these days. Not to mention I had one hell of a headstart. They fell behind quick, especially after I dodged into the first alley.

Mirror Master wasn't even chasing me down on foot. The little prick was still using that mirror trick of his to follow me, instead. I saw his face flash by in windows, and when I fled into the first alley, in puddles on the pavement.

"Why ya running, pal? Come on, stand and fight! Play the game a little! Not like ya can lure me away, I can be back at the strip in an instant. Ye scared or something?"

I was already starting to get winded. I'm not a long distance runner, and I was starting to feel very jealous of the fact he didn't need to even walk to keep up with me. But I had a few tricks up my sleeve. First of them being the fact I wasn't quite bound by the ordinary rules of geometry and space either. I just needed to get into the right spot to take advantage of that fact.

"I'm scared? You're the one hiding in a bloody puddle, mate." I said, splashing one with a foot. Stupid, I know, dangerous. His hand emerged from it like the girl from the bloody ring, and I let out a cry of fright, slamming a bin down onto his wrist. The hand withdrew with a grunt of pain, just in time for him to hit me around the back of the head.

I- what? When'd he appeared behind m- I put a hand to my hair and it came back with a few droplets of blood, and I saw a rock on the floor. Had he seriously just started throwing stones through those damn mirrors of his?

"Oh, real mature, mate, real mature, going up to schoolyard bully levels of combat tactics now." I growled, grabbing the rock and throwing it back at the window it had come from. Shards of glass fell to the floor, and I heard yelling from the poor sod who apparently lived in that building. Whoops.

"Yeah, you're right. Immature of me. Tell ya what, how about I get serious, then? Yanno, properly."

I didn't want to wait around to find out what that was about. I was almost to the site of my first trick, and dashed out the other end of the alley onto the street. I was just in time for a taxicab to go past me at speed, hitting a puddle, spraying me with water. I cursed, and-

Ten thousand droplets of water glittering and reflecting in the light, ten thousand me's. I looked into them as they covered me and everything swirled together.

It was on me, beads of water and sweat on my skin, ever reflecting. Like a sleep paralysis demon dancing on my chest, a dozen little points of pressure shifting. The world around me turned to a kaleidoscope of points of light in mirrored patterns. I thought I could catch glimpses of the world outside through the colours, though. A street tile here, a light there. A long pair of parallel lines that I thought might be the curve of the road, and a green and yellow blotch, growing brighter, as footsteps approached.

"I'm almost dissapointed. What, no fight back? I expected more, ain't you meant to be a wizard or something? Not to mention a fellow visitor from our own fair isles. Eh, guess it's to be expected, no fight in you Englishmen." He drawled, his voice coming from somewhere vaguely in front of me. It came from the oscillating green and yellow lights, a little left of the parallel lines and behind a sparkling sphere that was probably a streetlight. I couldn't let him just grab me like this. I took a step back, my movements slow, the little droplets on my skin resisting every moment. I thought I'd been paralysed for a second but I was just sluggish. It was like wading through mud, but I could walk, even if I was blinded and slowed.

The funny thing was, that all only made it easier to pull this trick off.

I had a map of the city memorised in my head. But the thing about maps was that they weren't always accurate. Cartographers liked to put in these things called trap streets, to trick people who copy their work. They put in streets that don't exist, so they can go to the copyright office if they get plagiarised, like how schoolteachers know somebody copied your test answers because they made all the same mistakes.

I happened to be right next to one of those trap streets according to Huntress, but the thing was that I didn't know that. I'd never been here before, and best of all, I was blinded.

Well, mostly blinded. Mirror Master was approaching at a snail's pace, apparently content to gloat.

"What, cat got yuir tongue? C'mon, at least banter a little, that's half the point of all this. You call yourself a superhero, standing there like a pamby with your knees knocking together?" I felt a fist drive into my gut. I never even saw it coming, no sudden movement accompanied it in the dancing lights of my vision. But the sudden blow and the surge of pain was enough to send me into fight or flight, and I bolted, sprinting in the other direction at full speed. There is a street there, that's all that I could think about. Go into the street, it's there, it was on the map, I saw it on the map, the map was accurate for every other street I've been on, why not this one? Ignore Huntress saying it didn't exist, it's not a trap street, it's real, I've just got to go into it and I'll be safe. I'll be safe, go into the street and I'll be safe.

I walked straight into a brick wall. It hit me like a truck, my nose cracked and broke, and I fell backwards onto my arse.

I walked straight through into the street. The disorientation made me trip and fall onto my face, and my nose cracked and broke.

Both of these things happen at once, and after a moment my preferred reality snaps into place. I wipe my face down, shed my coat. It was wiping my eyes that did the trick. As much as I could feel the droplets on my skin interfering with me and slowing me, it was the little bit of water that had gotten into my eyes that had blinded me, and all the funny colours vanished once I wiped it all away.

I was in a dark alley that looked just like every other one. Frankly, it also looked just like the one I was in a second ago. There was a brick wall directly behind me, blocking my exit. Mirror Master was presumably still standing on the other side. I clutched at my bleeding nose as I staggered to my feet, and I heard his voice echoing. I wasn't sure where from. A droplet of sweat, maybe some water that hadn't yet sank into my coat. There were no windows back here, no puddles, so I wasn't sure where else it could be coming from.

"Nice trick! Maybe you're one a' us after all, eh lad? And here I was starting to think your reputation was a wee bit overblown."

"Do I look like a bloody superhero to you, mate? Is the lack of spandex not a hint? I know the coat can billow a little but it ain't a bleeding cape!"

"Oh, but you play the game, don't you? Come down here with yuir sidekick, trying to foil the evil scheme. Got the boss right riled up and all, he's heard all the scary stories and got scared've ya. You've saved a lot've people too. I heard something about a demon up in New York, Mnemoth? Something with the Swamp Thing?"

"I was fighting for me life! Or at least trying to clean up me own mess. I don't go around looking for wrongs to right like I've got a bloody savior complex."

I'd just about gotten myself situated, since the banter had given me a bit of a breather. I'd spent a good minute wiping away the blood and mud and puddle-water from everywhere, standing slumped against the wall.

I was getting closer to where I needed to be, just had to keep him chasing me for a few more streets. Huntress had gotten the bloody easy job, she'd probably already cleared up all the henchmen back at the airstrip, the lucky bugger.

I walked out the other end of the trap street, and everywhere I went, Mirror Master's reflections followed me.

"Well if you insist, mister high 'n mighty, fine. You ain't a superhero." Said his voice from a window. "But it ain't just them who do the whole fights-in-the-night stuff in the name of a moral crusade. A villain, then? I've seen news stories. 'The Face of Evil, brutal satanist slayings in Paddington'! Plus that guy you got shot in the head, the League were royally pissed about that."

"If you had a demon or the mob breathing down your neck you'd've done the bloody same! It was life or death, what was I supposed to do?" I turned my collar up against the cold and rain, walking on towards my destination.

"No need to cry about it, mucker." Said his voice from a puddle. "You work with the mob, I saw you go in to meet with Penguin. Guy seemed ta like you! And Harley too, from what I heard. Justice League hate you… Hey, wait, is Huntress forcing you into this? Into helping her? I can help you, if she is. I'm sure the boss'd be down to help ya fight the League."

I resisted the urge to kick the puddle again, knowing full well what would happen if I did. I counted myself lucky he didn't seem inclined to pop out for a straight fight without blinding or crippling me first, since the way the last encounter had gone I didn't like my chances whenever his next ambush was. I was still bleeding from both sides of my face, and was lucky I could talk straight.

But the longer I kept him talking, the longer he would follow me. And I was just one street away from where I needed to go.

"C'mooon, do I need to paintcha a picture?" Said his voice from all around me, coming from every surface at once, reflective or otherwise. "You have powers, ye can summon demons, aye? You hang with criminals and mobsters, you pick fights with heroes and monsters both… you have some kinda grand moral feelings, or you wouldn't be here pickin' fights with me. Not like you stand to profit from this, heard you gave the boss the toxin, aye? No profit in stealin' it back when you could've just kept it in the first place." He stopped talking for a moment as I rounded a corner. I could see my finish line. It looked like just any other building, an office block or a factory or something. Big and bulky, clearly not an apartment, but otherwise indistinguishable from the rest. I made my way into the parking lot behind it and saw dozens of Mirror Master's faces like a house of mirrors, cloned over and over across every car's mirrors and windows, all staring at me. Hundreds of copies of him, all speaking in unison.

"You're a villain, me old mucker, and no mistake. The kind with a crusade, but a villain. The kind've death that seems ta follow you, the people you hang with… ain't no way around it. Or are you gonna deny all that?" Lord, but he liked to hear himself talk. I'd stopped replying to him a while ago, too. I was here though, I'd made it. I hoped this plan worked, though. That my partner pulled through on her end. Because otherwise I'd just gone and cornered myself in this parking lot for no good reason, and was probably about to get the shit kicked out of me, or possibly murdered.

I got up nice and close to the wall of the building, seeing lights on inside. That was a good sign. I turned around to face the cars, face the rows of Mirror Masters in front of me.

"I don't summon or control demons, mate. I know them, maybe do work or favors for 'em, and a bunch've them owe me, but I'm more'n just who I have a pint with. Same for the villains, criminals, monsters. I drink with them, but I ain't them. And I sure don't have powers, all I've got are cleverness and favours. It's who I know, not who I am."

"Hah! So you're telling me you don't have anything? No powers, no fireballs, no magic. I can just…" They stepped out of the mirrors. Every single one of them. Nevermind one Mirror Master punching me in the gut, now there were ten of them, twenty of them, half a dozen emerging from each car and surrounding me, advancing on me. "...do this and beat the crap out of ye? Not really a fair fight if you really are just a bloke suicidal enough to get involved in the game by tattling about our plan to Huntress, but… I guess that means I'll just beat the crap out of ye and not kill ye. Sound fair?" A couple of them cracked their knuckles, several others cracked their necks. They were unarmed, but with those kinds of numbers that wouldn't matter. But I stood my ground. Remembering the one piece of advice I'd learned from Huntress, the showmanship mattered.

I heard a rumbling coming from inside the building, getting louder and louder. The sound of something growing, surging forward. Flourishing and bursting. Something that was almost here. I just needed to wait a few more moments.

"Nah, that's pretty much it, yeah. You can beat the crap out of me." I stared them down without even flinching as they squared off with me. They circled like wolves, pacing up and down, waiting for an opening.

"Got no power, me. None at all, just names, knowledge and favours. But that doesn't make me harmless. You think I'm a hero or a villain? Nah, mate. I'm neither. I'm just John…"

The wall of Gotham's largest botanical gardens blew open as a writhing and pulsing mass of vines ploughed through it, grasping for every Mirror Master it could reach.

"...And I'm a bastard."

The Mirror Masters shattered like broken glass as they were touched. They scattered and ran in all directions, but the mass of vines just split apart, branching out fractally and grabbing them one by one. Eventually it got lucky and found the real one, the only one that didn't vanish on being touched, and he fell flat, screaming. He pulled a knife from seemingly nowhere, hacked at the vine that had wrapped around his ankle. He managed to sever it, pulling his leg free, but by then another vine had his other ankle, both his wrists, and wrested the knife from his grip as they pulled him into the mass. He clawed at the ground, giving me a desperate look, a pleading one.

"John! John, me old mucker, I didn't mean it, right? Was just a joke, just joshin' ya! We're both from the isles, two of a kind, surely we can work this out, right? Right?! You don't need to hand me over ta her, okay, you don't know what she's like when she's pissed!"

I flipped him the bird with a vicious grin, all teeth and malice. He spat on the ground at my feet as he was dragged past me, howling out the words

"Screw you, John! Screw you!" before one of the vines wrapped around his throat, and he was pulled fully into the botanical mass.

I knew the real Ivy was watching, so I didn't let her see me shiver at the sight.

She strolled out of the building a moment later. In her real form, the one I'd seen back at the Iceberg Lounge. Pure green skin, scarlet hair, and wearing nothing but a leotard made of leaves that absolutely should not have been able to stick to the skin like that.

She walked like a predator in long, confident strides, wearing a hungry look. It took what should have been a wet dream and turned it into a cold nightmare for me, setting my nerves on edge. I'd dealt with enough actual succubi that the whole 'man-eater' thing didn't do much for me anymore. I liked my women confident, but there was a nice thick line between that and… this.

Besides, there's three basic rules for men and sex. Don't stick your dick in crazy, don't stick your dick in lesbian and don't stick your dick in married. I knew full well she was all three.

She brushed a fingertip across my chin, smirking coyly. "Your help is much appreciated, John. Doubly so if you stopped the plane, like you promised."

I slapped the finger away. "Huntress should've taken care of that end. Don't worry, your greenery's safe."

"And…?" She gave me a meaningful look, and I sighed, rubbing my broken nose.

"And I'll get you the money for helping by the end of the week. Didn't have to go demanding payment, you know. Don't you want this plan foiled as much as I do?"

She moved towards me, trying to drape a hand over my shoulder. I stepped forward and right out of her grip, and she gave me an annoyed look, pouting over the fact I wasn't playing ball. "I did have to, as a matter of fact. If I attacked his partner, his operations, Scarecrow has a pretext to start a war with me that will ravage Gotham. But if I worked as a mercenary for a heroic party…"

"...Then it's not personal, and he targets us for reprisal instead've you." Clever girl. I wanted to give her a wink of understanding, since I was honestly a little impressed at how sneaky that was. It was like Penguin's whole schtick, the kind've underworld politics that reminds me of home. But that would be showing friendliness, and the last thing I wanted was to be friends with somebody who was setting me up to take the fall for her over this raid.

"Exactly." She smirked, turning back to plant a hand on her mass of vines. I could hear muffled screaming from inside, getting quieter by the second. Poor bastard.

"Is, uh, is he gonna be okay?" I make the mistake of asking.

"He'll be fine. He's a co-worker, or has been in the past. We don't kill each other. We aren't animals." She said, a hint of reproach in her voice. Wait, was she insulted by that question? Well now I had to pry further.

"Could've fooled me, the way you dragged him off. Or is this all part of that game of yours he was talking about? What, he gets a time-out, sits on the naughty step for an hour or two then you're gonna cut him loose?"

She looked down to him, or at least the spot inside the mass where I imagined him to be. After a moment the vines shifted, tightening so there weren't even air-gaps between them, and the screaming stopped. I went cold, my mind going to the absolute worst, until she spoke up.

"We don't. Kill. Each other." She said, her voice cold as ice. "I understand you're new here, but there are rules to this… game, as you put it. An ecosystem, to keep it from turning into anarchy and hell. Mirror Master knows this better than most. You heard what happened to Animal Man, no?"

"Uh, no?" I had to admit, I had no clue who that was. I racked my brains to try to remember anything, but nothing came. I did my best not to let my frustration show. I knew there was something here, something I was missing, something important to how these villain types thought, but I couldn't grasp it. Couldn't find it.

She snorted in dismissal before turning away from me, the vines starting to recede back into the building, leaving no trace of Mirror Master.

"And here I thought you knew what you were doing, but that confusion really isn't an act, is it? You really are out of your depth."

"Hey, I ain't doing so bad, am I? I just took down your damn enemy, foiled the evil plot…" I went to lean casually against the bonnet of one of the cars, giving my best smirk. "This cat and mouse nonsense is a load of bollocks, sure, but from where I'm sitting, it looks an awful lot like I'm winning."

"Hah! Winning. Of course you are. You want my advice? Quit whilst you're ahead. You don't understand where you are or what you're doing. Go home, John Constantine, before you misstep, and fall into the bog."

With that, she vanished back into the building, leaving me cold and alone in the night air. It was totally quiet. It felt like there should have been police sirens or something, but all that was left to show there'd even been a fight was rubble from the blown-out wall and the cut-off end of the vine Mirror Master had separated from the rest.

We hadn't even set off any of the car alarms, it was eerie.

I tried not to think too hard about how familiar those parting sentiments from Poison Ivy were. I'd been trying to convince the damn League of the same thing when they came to London wrecking stuff up. Was I doing the same? I didn't see how, this plan of Scarecrow's wasn't any different from the others, and nor was the way we were foiling it. I even had a proper hero looking over my shoulder and doing the grunt work for me. Plus, from what Ivy had just told me I'd just kept her from having to start some kind of gang war, rather than starting an unnecessary one myself.

But maybe I'd missed something. I turned around to head back the way I came, going to see if Huntress had finished with the rest of the Henchmen yet.

I was going to need to be careful as I went over the place in the aftermath to make sure we'd gotten all the fear toxin. Make absolutely sure there wasn't anything I'd missed.

If nothing else, I didn't like the fact I hadn't actually seen Scarecrow since I came into Gotham.

This couldn't be all there was to his plan, could it?