I feel like I misplace a lot of commas when I write. If you have any guidance for me, I'd appreciate it.
Shake Shugaree- Elizabeth Cotton
This Feeling- Alabama Shakes
"Carlisle?" I called into the woods, not hearing him near me.
"Over here," he replied. I ran to his voice and found him lounging on a rock, his eyes gazing up to the blanket of stars and planets above us. I looked not at the sky but at my companion, my dearest friend.
We had met over three hundred years ago, but I still found myself in awe of him. He's a beautiful man, of course, and easily one of the most handsome vampires I've ever met, but his goodness shines outwards. He spent hundreds of years perfecting his self-control, and wholeheartedly dedicates himself to preserving life and making his family happy. I've never encountered a more selfless creature.
He looked younger than normal, his wheat blonde hair, normally brushed back, draping down to curl above his collar, lightly brushing his cheekbones. He was propped up on his elbows, balancing on a boulder as he looked up and wondered at the complexity of the universe, all tension he normally bore on his shoulders dissipating.
"The Tao Te Ching tells us that lack of desire allows us to see the essence of the origin of everything. Well, I do not think I could possibly more content than I am now. I wont for nothing. So why hasn't the Creator revealed itself to me?" he says contemplatively, not really searching for an answer.
"You embody the mystic virtue," I tell him honestly, referring to the Taoist term for the ability to help and teach those around you without being arrogant or receiving gratification- complete altruism, and most definitely Carlisle. "But you pursue the highest ends to your activities in your work both in the human world and the supernatural, and these must be the Supreme Good, so maybe you are, within yourself, God."
"Page one of the first book of Nicomachean Ethics? That's elementary, Bella. At least quote a philosopher more obscure than Aristotle if you want to comfort me," Carlisle teased, and I broke out into a smile before joining him, perching on the boulder above him.
"Give me a break, Carlisle. I'm only a high school junior, after all."
"Not for long," he retorted. Tomorrow is the last day of school, and while Rose and Emmett would be graduating, Edward, Alice, and me were just transitioning to a new school year.
"So what is the meaning of life, oh great philosopher?"
"What isn't the meaning of life?" he said quickly, hiding a smile when I snort.
"And you call me elementary?" I mock offense, holding my hand over my dead heart to show him where he hurts me.
"L'existence précède l'essence." Existence precedes essence. Carlisle quoted back to me the philosophical explanation for the meaning of life that most closely describes my beliefs- that we create our own value and determine the meaning of life individually. Carlisle, on the other hand, still holds on to the human-ingrained belief in some higher power. It is a point we have debated endlessly over the centuries, taking solace in the fact that we both agree that nihilism is unproductive and incorrect.
"I always appreciated that Sartre used existence instead of 'life'," I tell him, "Do you think he was a vampire? Or is?"
"Doubtful. The Volturi would not have tolerated such publications and fame like that Sartre attained," he pointed out, bringing our philosophical discussion to an end as the mention of the Volturi stills the air around us, tension building as I await his question.
"We never discussed what happened in Seattle."
"I don't know what to say," I cry, curling my body inward to hold my knees to my chest.
"To Edward, or to yourself?"
"Both."
"You may yet be working yourself up for no reason. Aro is reasonable, and when we left, we did promise to visit," Carlisle offered hopefully, futilely.
"Carlisle, I broke the law. We broke the law. They will not have any tolerance for that, he told us so in the same breath with which he asked us to return." And he did. When we told Aro that we would be leaving the Volturi, he asked to visit him again, but he also warned us that mingling with humans would bring an increased risk of exposure, and our relationship wouldn't protect us from their justice.
"Aro can't read your mind, though. Think about it, Bella. You'll go to Volterra, report to Aro the whole story- lots of deaths, we take action to prevent exposure and preserve life, destroy newborns, and that's when Alec, Jane, Felix, and Demetri showed up. You'll just be providing some context for the situation they walked in on. I really don't think the situation is as extreme as you're making it out to be." I calmed a bit at Carlisle's words. Maybe I was overreacting. I posed a threat, but they didn't know anything I had done that could provoke retaliation.
"I just feel like I'm missing something. Why do I have to go to Volterra? Why not just tell Jane so she can show Aro?"
"We promised to visit," Carlisle reminded me again.
"I hoped it wouldn't be under duress, though."
"You never wanted to return anyway," Carlisle smiled, trying to break my tension a bit. It didn't work. I was still huddled on the rock, watching as the sky lightened gradually from the midnight blue to sapphire, the stars fading in their luminosity as the earth rotated back towards the sun.
We were silent for a while. Carlisle and I had been together for so long, we didn't feel the need to fill it with meaningless chatter anymore, we were just content to be. Carlisle basically had to drag me hunting, though. What were the chances it would be clear and sunny on the second to last day of school? I would have spent the whole day sitting in the trees that lined the school, following the sound of Edward's heart around the school, but he rightfully pointed out that I hadn't hunted since before prom, and my eyes had darkened as the burning in my throat intensified.
Rose and Emmett promised to look after Edward and Alice, and Esme had left the day before for a weeklong design conference in Portland, so Carlisle insisted on hunting with me, going so far as to guilt me. And I did feel bad. My world had become consumed with my mate, and the fact that our bond was so restrained had been draining me and leaving me feeling aching and incomplete.
When I had taken Edward to our meadow, the rain dripping down but not at all dampening the joy of our reunion, I still hadn't decided what to tell him. I ended up mostly letting him dictate the conversation, asking questions I could answer. When he asked if anything went wrong, I was honest.
"Two got away from us somehow," I sighed, playing with his fingers. I had moved a flat rock under some trees that lined the edge of the meadow, and Edward and I were lounging on it. He was getting a little wet with the misting of water that clung in the air, but he had assured me he was okay, that he even kind of liked it now that the weather was warmer. "I don't know how, but we couldn't even track them down. But hopefully they got the message and won't cause any more trouble."
"You're k-k-keeping s-something from me," he said shrewdly, trying to study my face as I tucked my chin in and kept my eyes trained on our entwined hands. In that moment, I decided what not to disclose.
"There was a moment… We were ambushed, and one of them got their arms around me and he started… crushing me." My voice was small, and Edward looked horrified. He jumped off the rock to appraise me, then lifted my arms up to check for marks, pushing up my sleeves. I almost moaned at the feeling of his touch on my bare skin.
"Are y-you okay?" He asked, voice shaking as he rubbed his hands along my arms.
"Yes, I'll be fine. It hurts a bit, and I can see the indentations that haven't healed yet, but they're miniscule and, honestly, inconsequential." As I spoke, I reached to my side, touching the rib I could feel was still slightly fractured, and Edward followed my touch and placed his own hand over mine.
I was trying to be good, I really was. I guided his finger to the exact location of the break, so his gentle digit pressed into the tiny bump. It really was so small, I think if he had punched me with all his might there, it wouldn't have been even slightly painful. Instead, he just brushed his finger up and down the spot, running up and down my side.
I was a bit swept away. Though the layer of clothing separated us, the heat from his skin was enough to make me hot, and his finger was mere centimeters from the side of my breast. If I could just gently guide him a little more to the left…
I blinked the fantasy away, well aware that this wasn't the time, and that Edward was nowhere near close to that kind of intimacy. Instead, I focused on his face, awash in concern, brow pulled together and his full lips pursed as he focused on my war wound.
"How l-long w-will it t-take t-to heal?" He asked, pulling his hand away. It was probably for the best, but his touch being gone from my skin made me feel lost.
"It will heal immediately after I've hunted, I'm sure. I could've stopped on the way back, but I couldn't focus on anything but you," I told him honestly, a bit shameful of my ardor. I knew he didn't feel as strongly, couldn't feel as strongly with his more simple human emotions and the glaringness of my personal deficits, so obviously declaring the strength of my feelings was embarrassing.
"I'm glad you c-came b-back," he said softly, emerald eyes ablaze in their intensity as he leaned in, placing a warm palm on my cheek, "I w-was so w-worried about you."
"I'm here now." I leaned in to his touch, nuzzling his palm and reveling in our physical connection.
Edward broke our comfortable silence after several minutes. "You n-need t-to hunt."
I rolled my eyes, though I was secretly enamored with his concern. "It can wait."
"I d-don't w-want you t-to be in pain."
"It's not that bad! For you, it would be like… a papercut."
"P-Papercuts hurt," he narrowed his eyes at me accusingly, "B-Besides, how w-would you know wh-what a p-papercut feels like?" I laughed at his sharpness.
"You're right. I have no idea what a papercut feels like, and since you can't know what this feels like, you'll have to take my word for it that it is absolutely nothing to worry about." I reached out to smooth the wrinkle between his brows, a few near-invisible, soft hairs caressing the pad of my finger.
He caught my hand before I could move away from his face and pressed my own palm against his cheek, our positions mirroring each other.
"I love you."
"I love you," I replied in kind, and waiting patiently for him to lean forward to kiss me.
"Have you thought about changing him?" Carlisle asked, his voice free of judgement, snapping me out of my memory.
"No!" I shouted, caught off-guard, before breathing deeply and returning my voice to a normal volume, "No, you know I can't do that. I can't condemn him to this life before he's ready, before he's healed." Carlisle reached over to touch my knee, drawing my eyes to his.
"I know you carry guilt over Rosalie," he started, and I buried my face in my hands, "And I know that she often goes out of her way to make you feel bad about it. But Rosalie is happy, Bella, even if she doesn't show it well, or tell you. Edward could be the same." Carlisle sounded reasonable, but deep down, in the pit of my stomach, I knew he was wrong. The scars Edward bore were deeper than imaginable, ingrained in his psyche, and I couldn't imagine what that would be like preserved in immortality.
I couldn't respond, so I just shook my head, keeping my face obscured from him. He patted my knee again before retreating, returning to his position lounging on the rock.
We watch as the ambers and oranges in the east grow, ribboning across the clouds as the sun rises and day breaks. I love this hour, listening to the forest awaken, birds chirping their fluttering tunes and animals shaking off sleep to begin their daily routines. Even in Forks, the world seems brighter in the glow of the early morning. The thick leaves at the tallest points of the cedar trees around us were translucent in the light, the veins spidering out and the green sparkling with dew.
"Let's go back," Carlisle says finally, breaking the quiet and holding out his hand unnecessarily to pull me up. I take it, and hold it in my softly, the feeling of our warm palms pressing together calming and tethering me to the moment.
I keep hold of Carlisle as we run home, my constant companion letting me lead him through the park, dodging trees and jumping over logs and streams in tandem.
We broke apart when launching over the Sol Duc River into our own backyard.
The house was, for once, quiet and empty, Emmett and Rosalie standing guard at Chief Swan's house and Esme away. Perhaps I was being overzealous in my protectiveness, but Emmett didn't complain, only teased, and Rosalie only nonverbally judged me, so I figured they didn't really mind. I couldn't forget the looming threat of the Volturi, or the fact that two young vampires escaped from us in Seattle, somehow evading us when we tried to track them down and essentially disappearing into thin air. And my family seemed to understand that the only way I would part from Edward to hunt would be for someone else to watch over him, so they did this for me.
I jumped up to my room, not deigning to enter the house through a more human entrance like the back door. I heard Carlisle laugh at my eagerness to get dressed and leave, but I didn't have the energy or wherewithal to snark at him. It felt as if my heart was missing, my chest aching and empty, and I knew exactly where to find the boy that held it.
"Have a good day at school, sweetie!" Carlisle chuckled from inside as I darted out to the garage to clamber into Emmett's Jeep and peel away. I could hear him laughing still from down the driveway, only stifled by the crunch of gravel under the heavy tires.
I maneuvered the car expertly, speeding and sliding around corners, grateful that Rose had worked on the car enough that it was not prone to flipping the way Jeeps so often are. I slowed down a block away from Edward's, enough to check the area for watchful eyes before Rose and Emmett jumped in, not bothering with something as banal as stopping.
I pulled into the driveway just as Charlie Swan was walking to his cruiser, dressed in his police uniform, complete with a hat and belt. He smiled widely when he saw me, his brows pulling together as he watched me jump from the driver's seat.
"That's a big truck for you, Bella," he commented, appraising the hulking vehicle. Emmett got out behind me, and I thought he would circle to take his rightful place behind the wheel, but he followed behind me. Charlie's eyes darted over my shoulder, and I could feel his heartrate pick up as he looked up at Emmett.
"Hey, Chief Swan!" Emmett said with a wave, and I could see he was making an immense effort to not seem so intimidating, his closed-mouth smile emphasizing his boyish dimples and playful demeanor.
"The kids are inside," he said quickly, still nervous.
"Great! I wanted to bring over this video game for Edward, we were playing it the other day and I didn't realize I had a spare," Emmett hoisted up the bag he was holding to show Charlie. I looked over my shoulder at Emmett, unsure of what he was doing. He and Edward were friendly, yes, but they had only played a video game together once, and that was weeks ago. I felt guilty about that, as well, because Emmett clearly wanted to get to know Edward better and I wholly monopolized him. It was mostly selfish, but I was also terrified that Emmett would say something uncouth and inappropriate and scare Edward.
"Ah, that's nice of you."
"Hey, Em!" Edward called from the doorway, bounding down the front steps. Edward looked deliciously adorable in a fitting green long-sleeved shirt and jeans, his bronze hair amess with cowlicks and stray strands sticking up. He didn't greet me directly, but wrapped his arm around my waist, taking the bag with his free hand. "Th-Thanks for the g-game."
"No problem, man! Like I said, it was an extra." Emmett was beaming, though ever-careful to keep his teeth tucked behind his lips. "Our mom's always buying stuff we already have," he told Charlie.
"Oh, yeah, that's nice. Well, how are your parents?" Charlie asked, directing the question to Emmett without looking up past his expansive chest.
"Did you eat?" I asked Edward, looking up from under his arm. I loved this angle, tucked into his side- it accentuates the sharpness of his jaw and makes him look dangerously lickable. And biteable.
"Yes," he rolled his eyes at my peppering. I usually brought him breakfast from Esme, or cooked if Charlie was gone by the time they woke up, but I hadn't done so this morning. "A b-big bowl of c-cereal." Before I could open my mouth to tell him that perhaps that wasn't the most nutritious option, his leaned down and pressed a chaste kiss on my lips, promptly shutting me up.
It lasted all of two seconds, but lit my skin afire with his heat. I love Edward's lips- so soft and yielding, with a delicate cupid's bow and a full, plush bottom lip so ripe for teasing and licking.
I felt impossibly flushed, fully aware that his foster father was standing right in front of us, a weapon at his hip and his eyes trained on us.
"Mom's away at a conference, so our dad's in charge for the weekend," Emmett said, not acknowledging the intimacy at his side.
"Isn't graduation tomorrow?" Charlie asked, ever the scrutinizing cop.
"Well, yes, she's coming back for the ceremony, but heading back to Portland right after." Emmett got caught in his little story, unable to explain why his mother wouldn't be attending his high school graduation- a momentous and once-in-a-lifetime occasion for a human. But Charlie seemed to accept the answer, and bade us farewell just as Alice danced down the front steps, butterfly wings pinned to the back of a long-sleeved silky green dress that I recognized from one of our shopping sprees. Her normally unkempt black hair was even slicked back and tucked under a slender green hairband. I looked down at my jeans and T-shirt, feeling inadequate and underdressed.
"Have a good last day, kids," Charlie called out from his window as I helped Edward in the backseat and Emmett lifted Alice in behind him, "And congratulations on graduating."
"Thanks, Chief Swan!" Emmett boomed.
"Bye, Charlie!" Alice sang, waving goodbye as Emmett pulled away.
Alice sat in the middle seat, bouncing along to the music, restrained only by the thick seatbelt. Edward reached behind her to drape his arm around her back, and my hand automatically snaked up to lace my fingers through his. We both craned our necks at the same time, looking at each other from behind Alice's head, and she snorted unceremoniously.
"Seriously, get a room you guys!" Her exclamation made Emmett laughed out loud, and he was still grinning when we piled out of the Jeep. We all walked into the building together, Edward and I holding hands and trailing behind Emmett, Rose, and Alice as the latter carried on a one-sided conversation about shoes, with Rose actually chiming in to agree with her assessment of Manolo Blahniks versus Jimmy Choos.
"You're going to do great," I reassured Edward, smoothing the collar of his shirt outside his first period class. He looked down, shuffling the messy stack of papers he was holding and combing through them.
"Seriously. You're prepared, you've studied hard, and you deserve this," I said, more forcefully so he would look up and meet my eyes.
"It's t-t-tough," he said softly, his eyes flickering above my shoulder as his tired and forlorn classmates streamed into class. "I d-don't know if I'm t-totally c-caught up on th-this."
"Edward," I warned. I had recently been putting my foot down at even the slightest self-deprecating comment in an attempt to boost his self-esteem, though it made him incredibly uncomfortable.
"I j-just mean that I c-couldn't t-teach myself this f-from b-books while I was… away." He was referring to the six months he had run away from a group home in a desperate attempt to protect Alice from their abusers. He ended up being able to keep up with schoolwork, despite not going to school for the whole time, because the public library was right next to the park he had been sleeping in, and was the only warm place he could spend time and wash up.
But Edward had been struggling with his trigonometry schoolwork since coming to Forks, since he hadn't been able to learn it by himself from books and was felt hopelessly behind.
It was more than difficult to watch him labor over worksheets, trying to get completely caught up on every topic taught in the book. It was the nature of my bond to him to try to do everything I could to ease his path, to make his life as carefree and happy as possible. But it wasn't as if I could force his brain to understand math, so I had to sit beside him every day, pointing out the correct method and helping him when he was stuck.
It was getting bad, too. I hated that the exam was on the last day of school, both because I wanted him to enjoy the day, and because he had to wait so long that his nerves were fried. At the beginning of the week, after a long weekend of studying for this very test as he had no difficulty with his other classes, he had a panic attack.
It had been horrible. I hadn't seen him cry since his breakdown at the piano, but he sat in the kitchen, gasping for breath as his heart pounded and tears streamed down his cheeks. I felt so powerless, sitting beside him and unable to do anything.
Alice skipped into the kitchen in the middle of it. We had just gotten home from school, and she had taken to lounging in front of the TV to watch E! for a half hour before cracking open her books. The smile on her face from laughing at a segment about the new Harry Potter film melted off, and she rushed to Edward's side.
He seemed paralyzed, but his dilated eyes darted to Alice wildly before his gaze glazed over like an ominous fog.
"Edward, I know you can hear me. Bella and I are both here, we're both with you. Everything is fine. You are okay. You can breathe. You can breathe. Come on, Edward, count your breaths with me," She inhaled deeply, counting the seconds, then exhaled doing the same. I found myself breathing with her, and soon Edward followed suit.
"Good, that's good. Deep breaths. Everything is okay. You're in the kitchen. Bella and I are right here with you. Everything is okay." She repeated it like a mantra until Edward had calmed down.
His face was flushed, and he couldn't meet my eyes, but I could also tell he was exhausted. I sent him to his room to lay down for the rest of the afternoon, promising he would have plenty of time to study after dinner.
"Does that happen often?" I asked Alice when I was sure Edward was as near sleep as he was going to get, and not listening. I was getting ready to help her make dinner, pulling ingredients out of the refrigerator and onto the counter for her to catalogue.
"Yeah, we both get them. I don't get the, like, choking and shortness of breath. Everything gets really still and I feel like my mind is just going to explode and I get really overwhelmed, but from the outside, it just looks like I'm spacing out," Alice sighed, carefully slicing mushrooms, "But they haven't felt as bad here in Forks. At one point, I think we were just both in a constant state of panic, but here… Everything is just different here."
"I'm glad you feel safe here," I said, reaching out to put my hand over hers, stilling her knife movement. I had been holding a cup of tea so my hand was adequately warm, and Alice looked up at me, her green eyes tender. After a moment, she tilted her head, still looking at me.
"You would look great with some eyeliner, you know?" Her voice was serious, and broke all the previous tension in the room. I burst out laughing.
"No, really! You've got gorgeous eyes and these killer eyelashes, if you put on a little shadow and liner, you'd be a total femme fatale." Alice's voice climbed an octave as she spoke louder over my now-snorting laughter. We had to hush our giggling so we wouldn't disturb Edward, but it was hard. Alice kept making off-handed fashion comments, and she was so persuasive I was bound to be wearing fairy wings and knee-high socks soon.
Today, our last day of school, we were finally taking our math final, but Edward's was more comprehensive than his classmates' to make sure he was up to grade level and could move on to calculus next year.
"You are prepared," I said, emphasizing each word, "And you're going to kick ass. Now go in there, and do your best and try your hardest, because I know how smart and capable you are, Edward. I am confident you will do well." I cupped his face in my hands and reached up, pressing my lips gently to his for just a moment before leaning back on the balls of my feet.
"O-Okay. I love you," he looked at me from beneath his thick lashes, always seemingly worried I wouldn't return the sentiment.
"I love you," I said before sending him inside, watching to make sure he was settled at his desk before heading to my own English class.
I knew he would do fine. I had been doting on Edward and Alice the past two weeks, since prom, as they studied for their finals. My need to be near Edward was encompassing and overwhelming, so I made snacks, I helped cook dinner, I happily choked down meals. At night, I held Edward close, our hearts beating as one. I went home only to get my car and change my clothes, which is why Carlisle was so insistent I hunt with him.
I didn't have any final but trig, so I just sat through the incessant chatting of excited juniors, tapping my foot and anxious for the bell so I could check on Edward. I was out of my seat and at the door the moment it rang, dodging excited students in the halls as I darted from building to building, through the rain.
"How'd it go?" I asked, studying his face for some clue to how he was feeling. He just shrugged, though, and slung his arm around my shoulder so I couldn't face him directly. "I'm sure you did fine, Edward."
We walked to our government class in near-silence, and huddled into our little corner of the classroom with little regard for the goings on around us. Everyone was signing yearbooks and bragging about summer plans, but it was as if Edward didn't even hear them. He pulled his hands to himself, slipping them under his sleeves so his hands were locked around his wrists, and rested his forehead on the desk.
"Edward?" I asked softly, pulling my chair close enough to his so our legs touched.
"I failed," he whispered, so softly I wouldn't have heard if I didn't have supernatural hearing.
"You don't know that. And I don't see how that's possible, you worked hard and understood the material."
"I know I f-failed. I c-couldn't answer h-half the questions." I sat back a little. That was most unlike Edward- he's very prompt, very thorough, and doesn't do anything halfway. The single-minded determination with which he tackles a task in front of him is one of his most admirable qualities.
"Are you sure?"
"Of c-course I'm sure," he snapped softly, his head still bowed. One hand unclenched, but he started slowly scratching at the soft, scarred skin of his wrist. I felt my heart break right there in Mr. Jefferson's 11th grade Government class. We had been making so much progress, creating a real path forward for him and his personal growth. I reached under the desk to pull his hand away before he could cause any damage, much less draw blood.
He fought me, his beautiful face marred with anger as he tried to press his hand forward, fingers outstretched to his wrist. I couldn't allow it, though. Of course I couldn't let him hurt himself. I turned my body so I was almost entirely facing him and encircled both his wrists in my hands, putting them in my lap. He was forced to turn towards me too, though he wouldn't meet my gaze.
I could see the tears begin to build in his eyes, though. The telltale glisten and the glazing over were giveaways, even if I could not yet smell the salt and sadness.
I couldn't allow for a breakdown here. I didn't think it would be like last time, when he fell apart in my arms while telling me the details of what had happened to him, but I couldn't risk any panic attacks or even a show of weakness in public. I had seen how vicious these children could be, and even after I had quite literally bared my teeth, I had no faith that no one would comment on the event later.
"Hold on," I said softly, pulling him up to stand with me, taking his bag and mine. I kept ahold of one hand, still holding his wrist, and took him to the front of the class, where Mr. Jefferson sat at his desk, reading some worn historical fiction novel.
"Mr. Jefferson?" I said softly, trying to avoid the prying glances of our ever-nosy classmates, "Edward isn't feeling well. Would you mind if I took him to the nurse?" I pitched my voice carefully, and widened my eyes, trying to be as convincing as possible. The teacher blinked rapidly, trying to adjust to my undiluted gaze, and his heartrate picked up. I internally rolled my eyes. If only he knew just how dangerous his attraction was- the lure of prey to predator.
"Yeah, no, of course, Edward, you… you, um, look pale. Give me a second, I'll write a note," he stammered, his hands on his desk searching for a notepad while not looking away from my eyes. He wouldn't be productive like this. I blinked first, breaking the hold I was having over him, and smiled with my lips pressed tightly together. It wouldn't do well now for him to see my teeth.
"Thank you," I said sweetly, pulling the note from his hands the moment he signed his name, "Have a nice summer!" I was already pulling Edward out of the room.
He had become despondent in the passing two minutes it took to go from our seats to the hallway, shuffling his feet and following where I led. I tucked him into a dark corner in the corridor between building, sure no one could see us. Class wouldn't be ending for another fifty minutes, so we would have time if we needed it.
"Edward, can you look at me please?" I asked, using the soft voice that worked so convincingly on Mr. Jefferson. It didn't work, though. He continued looking at the ground, tears no longer building as his eyes were blank. I'd prefer the emotion to this… this despondence.
I had read about it, of course. I had been extensively studying coping methods for people who had been abused, and then further with those who had been sexually abused as a child. No one person is the same, but everything I had read had been very clear. There would be setbacks. It had been smooth sailing since his breakdown- he had been upset but not terrified by my leaving for Seattle, and had responded with reassurance and concern when he learned I had been injured. Everything, all the turbulence to do with the newborns, had been taken in stride.
How could something as mundane as a math test have such an impact?
"Edward, please?" I begged, moving my hands from his wrists to cup his face as I had done earlier before his final. "Edward, everything is going to be okay. I doubt you failed, but even if you did, it's just a test. Nothing bad is going to happen. Maybe you have to take the class again, but that's not the end of the world." I kept speaking, trying to bring him forth.
He had retreated into his mind- a coping mechanism to prevent a panic attack. I had read about this, so I continued my small reassurances, promising him nothing bad would happen, that I was right there with him.
"Edward, I love you," I tell him, trying to do anything I can to bring him out of his state. And this is what seems to work. He blinks rapidly, eyelashes fluttering the way they do when he first wakes in the morning, and his breathing grows ragged. "There you are."
He finally looked at me, my eyes meeting his verdant gaze, and his expression twists into one of despair once again- brows pulled together, full lips turned down, eyes glassy with unshed tears- before he falls into my arms.
I can hold him up easily, of course, despite the several inches of height he has on me. In actuality, I weigh about the same as him, the solidity of my skin accounting for several extra pounds. His arms fall over my shoulders as his hands claw into my back, and his knees buckle as he sobs into my hair.
"I'm s-s-sorry," he chokes out between breaths, gasping for air.
"What do you have to be sorry for?" I ask. If anything, I am the one who should be on her knees begging for forgiveness and acceptance.
"I c-can't b-believe I f-f-failed. I'm n-not good enough f-for you, and n-now Charlie w-won't w-want me, and y-you…"
"Edward, my silly, overthinking boy. You are absolutely perfect for me in every way. Charlie does want you, and that won't stop even if you happened to fail a test, which we don't even know you did. And me?" I pull back so his arms are still locked around my neck, but he can see my face and read the sincerity, "There is nothing you could do that would make me not love you. Nothing."
And I mean it. I would prefer if Edward became a vampire, and that comes with the risk of killing a human being. Or several. So I can honestly say that even if Edward murdered someone, I would love him all the same. Or if Edward chose to remain human, I would love him still. And if he decided to leave me for the opportunity to live his human life to the fullest with a woman who would be his equal… I couldn't love him any less.
He couldn't respond, wouldn't respond, and just pressed back into me, crying into my hair. I held him and let him let it all out, rubbing my hands across his back in a way I hoped was reassuring.
The sobs subsided but the tears kept falling, and, before the bell could ring, I pulled him to my side and led him to the Jeep.
"Do you want to talk about what just happened?" I prompted after the hallways emptied and it was clear we wouldn't be noticed. It was difficult to achieve a degree of intimacy in the big vehicle with the center console and gears between the two front seats getting in the way, but I made sure to hold both of his hands in mine and face him directly so it would be clear he had my full attention.
He shook his head, his bronze hair bouncing in the movement, and I was momentarily enraptured with the sound his hair made when one strand rubbed against another- like soft, muted strings on a violin.
"Edward, I will love you no matter what- whether or not you pass a high school math class doesn't matter to me. But we need to talk about why that was so triggering for you." On this, I would be insistent. He hadn't gone to therapy this week because of finals, and he wouldn't be going back for another four days- far too long for this to fester unaddressed.
Also, though it was difficult for me to accept, I wanted to be the one he confided in, the one he trusted for advice and guidance.
"I c-can't f-fail. They'll t-take me away, or Charlie w-will s-s-send me away," he started, though I could tell by the pained look on his face that he was withholding something.
"No one will take you away. It's understandable to be behind in a subject when you missed half the school year, especially a subject as difficult as math. They will see how smart you are, how you excel in your other classes, and know it's not a trend," I smiled and squeezed his warm hands in mine, "And as for Charlie? That man loves you and Alice, even if he hasn't verbalized it. I promise you, if you tell him what happened, he will understand, and maybe even empathize. Most people aren't great at trigonometry, Edward. You just happen to be good at everything, so you hold yourself to a high standard." I smiled, trying to impart the teasing nature of my accurate assessment.
"I w-want t-to be g-good for you," he sighed, pulling a hand from mine to rake it through his hair. Again, I became distracted by his hair. The sight of his long, elegant fingers running through and pulling at his silky locks… I wanted to do that with my own hand.
"You are good for me," I insist, placing my palm on his cheek and sighing as his warm skin molds to my hand when he leans in to me. "I only worry about being good enough for you."
This was the truth. And I knew that my worry was rooted in honesty- I could not be good enough for him. Edward is pure and good, brave and selfless in ways that I can never be, and that was only the internal. Physically, I would never be his equal. While human, Edward possesses unparalleled beauty, but if he were to be changed, he would be the most magnificent creature to walk the planet, and I am a perfectly average looking vampire. Not to mention that I cannot give Edward warmth, growth, children…
"That's a-absurd!" Edward near-shouted, jerking back so my hand slipped from its place on his sculpted cheekbone.
"What is?" I was actually a bit startled.
He breathed deeply, in and out, in and out. "You're perfect."
I smiled sadly, grateful for the sentiment but aware that it was entirely false.
"I want to be perfect for you." I said softly, inching closer to him. I could feel the air turn dense around us as if we were in a thick storm cloud of Edward's potent scent and the aroma of my own intense desire.
"You are," he whispered, meeting me in the middle and pressing his lips to mine.
I sighed internally. This was so difficult for me, and I really flexed my control over my behavior to keep myself reigned in. All I wanted was to open my mouth and tangle my tongue with his, becoming immersed in his delicious flavor. I would wrap my arms around him and thread my fingers through his hair, keeping him pressed to me as our mouths moved.
But that wasn't something I could do. I knew Edward struggled with intimacy. I could sometimes feel him tense when I brushed my hands along his side, or if I startled him by touching his shoulder. I couldn't do anything that would make him uncomfortable, so I sat there, my lips pressed together against his, reveling in our soft touches but yearning for so much more.
He drew away first, as always, leaving me feeling like my skin was on fire, thick venom coating my throat as I ached in my craving for him. It had nothing to do with blood, though… Another type of lust that I was only just becoming acquainted with, awakened after centuries of dormancy by this beautiful, fascinating, flawless boy.
"Come on," I said first, breaking the silence, "Let's get you to Gym before Alice notices."
If anyone had noticed Edward's behavior in our Government class, they didn't comment, or didn't care, because the rest of the day was filled with talks of summer whispered in hushed, reverent tones as teachers tried to encourage students to use their brains over the break.
Edward seemed nervous about his math final, his leg bouncing under our lab desk in Biology until I rested my hand on his knee to still the movement, the warmth seeping through his jeans and heating my hand to his temperature as I kept it there through the class. He continued his apprehensive tics, though, tugging at his hair and pinching the bridge of his nose, unable to pay attention to Mr. Banner's final lesson of the year about food chemistry.
Emmett greeted us in the hall outside our classroom when the bell rang, a hulking presence that caused the human students to rush through the doorway and scurry along the walls.
"Hey lovebirds!" he boomed, his voice reverberating through the hall. I rolled my eyes, glancing up at Edward to make sure he was okay, but he was smiling at Emmett.
"Hey man, you think we can get Señora Goff to teach us the dirty words today, since it's the last day of school?" Emmett asked, falling in step next to us. Edward's skin flushed a pale rose, but he laughed at Emmett's comment, his full lips pulling up into my favorite crooked grin.
"Come m-mierda," Edward taunted, his tongue rolling off the r in an almost flawlessly pronounced Spanish insult that caused me to nearly trip. Emmett looked caught off guard, unused to anyone calling him names, especially an expletive like shit-eater, except for Rose, but he loudly guffawed and playfully punched Edward on the shoulder very, very gently.
I left Edward with Emmett for the final class of the school year, trading increasingly complex insults in Spanish that made me bite my bottom lip to keep from saying something. I didn't want Emmett corrupting Edward with his foul mouth or crass nature, or worse, triggering a latent memory with his inappropriateness.
I walked towards the Gym, not intending to actually attend the class but going through the motions so no one would take note as I dodged the rain, walking around the Gym and back towards Building 5.
I peered through the small glass window on the classroom door to confirm what my ears heard, and softly rapped on the door. I could hear Mr. Varner shuffling papers inside, putting them in place before he pushed his chair out to open the door.
"Bella, what can I do for you?" his tone was friendly, and I peered around to confirm that the stack of papers on his desk was indeed the finals, and he was grading them.
"Hi Mr. Varner, do you have a minute?" I smiled with my mouth closed, opened my stance, and widened my eyes appealingly, positioning myself to be as unintimidating as possible. He opened the door to let me in, and I took a seat at one of the desks in the front of the class, not wanting to stand over him.
"I just wanted to talk to you about Edward Masen," I started. He opened his mouth to interject apologetically, but I cut him off before he could tell me that we couldn't discuss another student. "I know you can't tell me anything about his grades, but I just wanted to let you know that Edward is really worried about his performance on the final, and I was hoping you could grade it and let him know the result today, if at all possible?" I held his gaze unblinkingly, trying to draw him in. He seemed dazed, dazzled even, and put his hand on the stack of papers on his desk without breaking our stare.
"Um, yes, I suppose I could do that," he said, voice breaking like a teenager and making him cough. I held back a smile, breaking our eye contact to look at the desk. Too much exposure could create fear, and that was certainly not the emotion I wanted to elicit.
"I've got it right here, actually. Give me a minute and I'll grade it right now." I nodded my assent and sat quietly as he took a red pen to the thick packet, marking and correcting Edward's work.
I couldn't see the exam from where I sat, there was too much clutter on Mr. Varner's desk, and his writing was so stilted and unfamiliar that I couldn't make out exactly what he was writing on the page, so I had to just wait.
When he was finished grading, he circled something at the top of the first page, folded the packet, and slipped it into one of the interoffice mail envelopes. He wrote something in his gradebook, flipped through one stack of papers, then handed me a packet and the envelope.
"Here. I know it's not really allowed, but would you give Edward his exam? And here's your own. Excellent work, as usual, Bella," he said kindly. I saw my own exam on top, a 100% circled in red, but it was the manila envelope that I was more concerned about.
"Thank you so much, Mr. Varner. I'll make sure Edward gets this."
"Have a nice summer, Bella. I'll see you in Calculus." I was dismissed, and anxious to get to Edward so he could see his exam.
"Bye, Mr. Varner! Thank you! Have a nice summer," I called, already out the door and walking swiftly to the Spanish classroom.
As much as I wanted to burst into the room and give Edward the exam, I was forced to wait in the hallway for the bell to ring. At first, I told myself that I would let Edward open it, and I had every confidence he did well. But as the minutes ticked past, I started thinking I should open it. If he passed, I could pretend to be excited with him, but if he failed… If he failed and I knew in advance, I could prepare him, provide comfort and assurance, maybe even have Charlie confirm that he wouldn't be punished or sent away, before he opened the envelope for himself.
I made my decision. I sliced away at the top of the envelope so I could easily and indiscernibly put it back together, and slid it out.