Try Me, I know We Can Make It- Donna Summer

You'll Be in My Heart- Phil Collins

The sunny day had melted into a clear night, and gossamer clouds drifted lazily past the waxing crescent moon that hung crookedly in the east. It was relatively quiet evening in Forks, though it was never notably unquiet. The neighbor across the street was an older widow who had already gone to bed and was softly snoring to the dulcet gabbing of The Golden Girls. The neighbors down the street were a family with two small children who were fresh out of the bath and being tucked in with a story of cuddly animals. It was all so wholesomely picturesque.

Except for what was going on in the Swan house, of course. Over the centuries, it's become an unconscious practice to block out anything physically private- an ability that had been finetuned after a few decades with two very active and affectionate couples in the same house. I was doing by absolute best to note make note of what was happening just a few feet from us.

"What?" Edward said, fumbling with the buckle of his seatbelt and clumsily jumping out of the car.

"Hold on," I said, grabbing his arm and trying to calm him down. "It's nothing bad, and maybe we should come back later. I'm sure Esme wouldn't mind cooking dinner, or we could go to the diner?

"What do you m-mean, she's not alone?" he asked, not getting back in the car but also not going inside, which I guessed was a small victory.

"She has someone over right now, so maybe we should just leave them be," I said, trying to not go into too much detail. She hadn't mentioned anything to me about seeing someone, though maybe she had told Edward in the time carved out when there was no one around to overhear.

"She's having a s-s-sleepover?" he asked, confused and all-too innocent.

I shook my head. "Not exactly."

"You're b-being evasive."

"It's not our business," I pointed out, opening the door to the driver's side expectantly, hoping he would follow suit.

"Who's in th-there w-with her?" he asked, his tone more forceful and demanding than I had ever heard, and I felt an instinctive and now-familiar pulsing between my thighs that was entirely inappropriate.

"She has a boy over," I said, and Edward immediately began to turn around and sprint up the front steps as I called after him, "But it's not our place, Edward. We should just go."

He already had the front door open, tossing the key haphazardly back in the eave and looking around the living room wildly. I don't know what he was expecting to see, but I shut the front door loudly, deliberately making noise. I could hear Alice whisper nervously upstairs, and the shuffling of fabric as clothes were tossed around.

Edward was searching the small kitchen for signs of something- I wasn't sure what- and then had just barely glanced at the stairs when a teenage boy I recognized from Tyler Crowley's party stumbled down the stairs. His shirt was inside out, his shaggy blond hair obviously mussed from Alice's hands, and he looked between Edward and me with wide eyes before mumbling something about leaving and quickly running out of the house.

Edward seemed stunned, staring at the open front door where the boy departed, though he was already at the street, slowing to a walk and kicking at pebbles.

"What?" he said, trying to process and organize his thoughts. Alice poked her head down, skin a bright pink and her hair as equally tousled as her partner's.

"So did you guys have fun today?" Alice asked brightly, descending the steps as she fixed the hem of her t-shirt. "Looks like you went swimming, huh? Good day to do that. Charlie was called down to one of the hot springs a county over because there were some guys there getting rowdy. Were you guys at the same place? Did you see him?"

"What th-the hell was th-that, Alice?" Edward asked, completely ignoring her questions.

"Edward," I cautioned softly, but he didn't seem to hear me.

"Who even w-was th-that guy? And y-you have him here, all alone, w-with Charlie g-gone all day? Of all th-the irresponsible, asinine things-"

"Edward," I said more sharply, but he wasn't finished.

"I've s-spent years trying to k-keep you s-s-safe. Trying to make s-sure no one could ever h-hurt y-you again, and you g-go and bring s-s-some random guy- I've mean, I've n-never even met- who w-was he?" Alice, seemingly on the verge of tears, opened her mouth to answer, but Edward continued. "I c-can't believe you would d-do s-s-something like this," he said, shaking his head.

Alice had no words. She stood at the top of the stairs, and suddenly the tears spilled over and she was sobbing. "I'm sorry," she choked out, then spun around and ran back to her room, door slamming behind her.

Edward was breathing heavily, his fists clenched at his side like he might punch something.

"Edward?" I said softly, trying to unfold one of his hands. He immediately released his hold, looking down at me in a panic.

"What d-did I j-just d-do?" he asked, his heart beginning to pound. "I shouldn't have s-s-said that. I n-need to t-talk to her, tell her I d-didn't mean that." He started to head for the stairs, but I held him back.

"Not right now," I said, pulling him into me. Alice had thrown herself on her bed, and was sobbing into her pillow. She didn't seem in any kind of state where she would be up for a conversation. "Give her a little bit of time."

Edward wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in my hair, breathing deeply and steadily in a counting rhythm until, several minutes later, his heartbeat evened out and he calmed down.

"I shouldn't h-have y-yelled at her," he said, squeezing me as tightly as he could so my face was pressed into his chest and my words of comfort were muffled.

"It was unexpected," I said, trying to avoid agreeing with his self-criticism. "That doesn't seem very characteristic of her."

"I didn't know sh-she had ever even k-kissed s-s-someone yet," he said, twirling a lock of my hair around his index finger. "Much less… I mean, how f-far d-did they go?" he asked, pulling back to look down at me.

"That's not my place to talk about, Edward," I said, shaking my head. It wasn't either of our business, and I would never divulge the details of someone else's intimate moments. Internally, though, I was marveling at what I knew. I certainly wasn't going to tell him, but I was glad that Alice didn't seem as wholly traumatized as Edward that she was able to just jump into things. Though, perhaps, that was an alternate manifestation of said trauma.

"No," he agreed, "I'm s-s-sorry. I sh-shouldn't have asked."

"It's okay."

"I shouldn't have d-done any of th-that," he repeated. "I j-just… I wasn't expecting come home to that. Not once, in my life, have I thought about Alice… I know it's normal. I should be happy for her, but she deserves more, you know?"

"I agree," I said quietly.

"She d-deserves s-s-someone like you. S-s-someone beautiful and kind who w-will t-treat her like she's the m-most precious being in the world," he said, cupping my face between his hands and with his thumbs rubbing circles on the apples of my cheeks.

"Oh, Edward," I sighed, placing one of my hands over his and leaning into his palm. .

"You d-don't have any s-s-single male cousins, d-do you?" he joked.

"It's just Tanya, Kate, and Irina, and I don't think Alice is into that, even if Kate and Tanya might be," I told him, smiling sadly, "Besides, it's not something you can force."

"I j-just wish I understood her. I used t-to know p-pretty much her every thought, and n-now I c-can't even t-tell what's wrong with her."

"I don't know," I added, gently tugging his hands from my face and pulling him into the kitchen with me. He needed to eat at least a little something after such a long day, and especially after this. I quickly stuck a leftover container of a meat stew in the microwave and an almost-stale roll in the toaster, then let Edward pull me back to him.

"I j-just don't understand. We've been here f-for m-months. It's s-s-safe, it's far away from Seattle. We're w-with s-s-someone who truly s-s-seems to care, and we've b-been in therapy c-consistently and pretty intensively. F-for the f-first time, she has an actual f-friend," he smiled sadly and tucked a stray curl behind my ears. "She s-s-seems to l-like Emmett and Rose, too. Angela is pretty n-nice, and Jessica isn't horrible t-towards her. S-s-so why? Why?"

"I don't know, Edward," I said again, shaking my head. I had to step back from him to get the soup from the beeping microwave, but he held on to his grip on my waist. "Maybe this is actually normal, and everything before wasn't? This is how teenagers tend to behave, with boys and sneaking around and all."

"What?" he asked, confused like he had never thought of it before himself.

"We sneak around all the time," I reminded him, buttering the roll and sticking a spoon in the stew, and sliding it over to him. "Here, you need to eat something.

"That's different," he insisted, not arguing with my demand that he eat as he swallowed a spoonful of the disgusting slop that reeked of paprika and soil from potatoes, but both Charlie and Alice also seemed to enjoy.

"Most teenagers sneak around with people they don't necessarily love. They also go to parties and drink, and generally act out. Sound like someone we know?" I arched a brow expectantly, and Edward huffed and chewed on the bread. I hopped up from the kitchen table and put the full kettle on the stove to boil for some tea, a beverage I had learned could cure many ailments, even the ones that weren't physical.

"It's j-just not Alice. She's not l-like other t-teenagers. She's never b-been l-like other kids, not even when we were l-little b-before our p-parents… Even then, she was d-different."

"Even the most unique among us fall victim to human nature," I offered. I poured the water into some mugs and left them on the counter to steep, then returned to the table with Edward.

"You don't."

"Oh, please," I scoffed. "My humanity is still very much intact, thanks."

He pushed the empty bowl away and held his head in his hands, fingers digging into his scalp. I darted to the sink and cleaned the dish, back at the table in a moment just as he sighed, "I can't b-believe I did that. I've n-never y-yelled at her before. I j-just l-lost my temper and I d-didn't even think. She's never g-going to f-forgive me."

"I lose my temper with Emmett and yell at him all the time. It's something siblings do. She'll understand." I grabbed the mugs off the counter and placed two in front of him. He dropped his hands and looked down at the rising steam that was still dancing off the tea. "It's extra strong. Go bring it up to Alice."

"Is she okay?" he asked, carefully holding the mug by the handle.

In actuality, she was still crying steadily still, but Edward was already so destroyed by what had happened. It was just a marked measure of growth that he hadn't had a moment of actual panic the entire day, given the polarizing developments. "I think she just has her feelings hurt. Go try to talk to her. Just be calm this time, okay?"

He raked his fingers through his hair, trying to slick it back but two pieces fell into his face. He sighed and seemed hesitant, but he squared his shoulders and set his jaw, and marched up the stairs in a determined fashion.

He didn't go in, though. I stayed in the kitchen, purposefully taking my time rinsing out the two empty tea mugs, then keeping busy by cleaning the refrigerator and reorganizing all of the frozen fish. Edward was standing in front of Alice's closed door, shifting his weight and tapping his blunt fingernail on the ceramic.

He finally knocked and quietly said, "Bella made s-s-some t-tea if you w-want it." Alice barely stirred, her tears still flowing, and Edward placed the mug on the floor in front of the door, then turned and loudly closed the door to the bathroom.

I could hear Edward mumbling to himself, all in self-blame and sad apologies. I wanted to fly up the stairs and rip the door open and get those two to talk to each other, but I knew I couldn't. Instead, I slipped out the backdoor and circled the house quickly, checking for any intrusive scents before heading to the driveway.

I moved my car, peeling off the bathing suit and clothes I had worn during the day and changing into the sweatpants and sweater I had stashed in my car for exactly an occasion such as this. Then I idled around the tiny bedroom as Edward showered, and I wished I could join him for the mere fact that my hair was a tad sticky from the residue of the river water. No, there was certainly no ulterior motive for wanting to join Edward, where the hot stream of water would warm my skin as steam clouded around us…

The water switched off before I could get too invested in the fantasy, and Edward changed quickly. I heard the bathroom door open, and Edward walk into the hallway, pausing in front of Alice's door. He hesitated, but reached out and twisted the unyielding knob to the locked door. He sucked in a breath, then came downstairs.

"She l-locked her d-door," he said, staring at me and looking lost at the threshold of his bedroom.

"I know," I said sadly, opening my arms to him. He walked forward and fell right into my embrace, nuzzling his face into the crook of my neck and wrapping his arms around my torso. "I love you," I told him, combing my fingers through his wet hair.

"As I love you," he repeated, closing his eyes and actually falling asleep quite quickly in my arms.

While Edward sighed deeply and held me closer, Alice had nightmares. Vivid ones, by the sound of it. Charlie came home in the late hours of the night, and despite his attempt at being quiet, Alice woke up as he treaded upstairs, boots heavy on the old and creaking wood. And after she was awake, she stubbornly refused to sleep again, switching on her bedside lamp and angrily digging charcoal on the thick pages of her sketchbook before the tears started coming again.

I wished I could comfort her in some way, but popping through her window would likely give her a heart attack. So I was forced to lay on the tiny twin mattress, under Edward's warm form, as Alice cried and sobbed and rocked herself back into a desperate sleep just as the morning light began to stream through the window.

What a bizarre, horribly human turn of events. I normally think of the difference in our species being the biggest obstacle in our relationship. It's what's going to tear me away from Edward in one way or another- temporarily, going to Italy, or if Edward changed his mind and decided to stay human, when I would inevitably have to watch him pass on.

But everything today had been profoundly human.

I was still thinking about the little clearing by the river. I didn't know if I would ever stop thinking about it, but it certainly signified a major shift in Edward's perspective on our relationship. For me, it was clear enough. I was ready to consummate and finally complete the bond that tied me to him. I was ready to erase the ache in my chest and claim Edward as my mate in the most animalistic of ways, and spend the next decade or two making up for how long I've waited. But I had refrained, of course, because of Edward. We moved at his speed.

I shouldn't have dismissed my family in the way I did. But Edward seemed so completely sure, and so happy and lighthearted the entire day. It was like the angst had melted away in the crystal cool water, and we were laid bare with our intentions plain. And we left with a deeper understanding, and an ease in our relationship. The smile didn't leave his face until we came back here, to find Alice in the situation she was in.

I slipped off the shabby little bed and out of the window once first light broke, and jumped up to Alice's windowsill. The well-oiled window slid open easily, and I found Alice sprawled across her disheveled bed, eyes squeezed shut and tear stains splotching an angry red down her cheeks.

She always mumbled in her sleep, and I waited patiently for some private peek into her subconscious. Charlie did it too, though it was typically unexciting and involving work or fishing or sports, and if I recalled correctly from the hazy film of my memories, I had been told that I was a sleep talker as a human.

Her lids fluttered delicately as she progressed from stage four to enter the rapid-eye movement, and her lips began to twitch with silent secrets and incomprehensible mutterings. With Charlie I could, at least, sort of follow along with his dreamscapes, but I couldn't piece together a meaning behind "honey", "sorry", "jazz", "far", and "soon". How could something be far but soon? Where did honey come in? Was she planning a trip to New Orleans? At least "sorry" was understandable, but beyond that I was at a loss, and I slipped back out the window and back to Edward.

I curled into Edward's side on the warm little bed, the morning light shining through the shabby curtains and casting the room in a golden glow. I traced along Edward's profile so lightly he wouldn't be able to feel. It felt like every moment I noticed something new to index and study- there was the vaguest trace of a smattering of thick hair surfacing on his chin, and the eyelashes on his left eye seemed to have grown a fraction of a centimeter.

He rolled onto me and groaned, but started kissing along my jaw, down to the hollow of my throat and up again, and then he hovered over me and began littering kisses playfully across my face.

I giggled, trying to keep quiet to not alert Charlie as he watched the morning news just a few feet on the other side of the door, but Edward had other ideas.

His touches were heavier, and he pressed his weight down into me as our lips connected. Suddenly, I felt like I was burning again. His hands were everywhere, his mouth sweet as he scraped his teeth along my bottom lip and sucked on my tongue, and then one of his knees nudged my thighs apart so he could nestle between my legs. I felt the pounding there begin, and I forced my body still before I started grinding against him like some kind of animal in heat, though that's comparable to how I felt.

He rolled slightly off to my right, but that just freed his hand to tangle in my hair, then tighten against my neck, and then he was cupping my breast again, his hand blazingly hot through my thin sweater.

"Edward," I sighed, pulling away and turning my face from him. "Charlie is right there."

He was panting, and rested his forehead on the mattress next to my head as he caught his breath. "I'm s-s-sorry. I got c-carried away," he whispered.

"It's okay," I promised, slipping out from under him to give him some space on the bed to collect himself, though honestly I needed to cool off too. I fiddled with the exposed wiring on the old lamp on his tiny desk and promised myself I would call Tanya the moment I had time. "Like I said before, blanket consent. I just… I don't want Charlie a few feet away from us when you…" I trailed off, fingering the minuscule fraying at the hem of my sweater.

"When I…" Edward repeated, and I glanced up to see him sitting on the edge of the bed, leaning back on his hands, and grinning playfully. I chewed on my lip, trying to hold in a smile, but I couldn't help it. His happiness was too infectious, and I walked into his arms like a desperate orbiting moon gravitating to the center of my universe.

"I have to say," I said softly, combing my fingers through his sleep-mussed hair, "I'm a little surprised that you're in such a good mood."

Edward sighed and leaned into my hand, and I began to gently scrape my fingernails on his scalp in the way I knew he liked. "I d-don't know," Edward whispered, closing his eyes. "It's like I'm two different people. I'm so worried about Alice, and I'm terrified about having to talk to her. I know I need to apologize, and I'm so crushed that I completely lost my temper last night.

"On the other hand," he continued, pressing one hand against the small of my back as the other gripped the side of my waist. "It's hard to think of anything else when you're around."

I smiled and ducked my head down to hide my face in his hair, and he chuckled softly and stood up. I took a half-step back to give him some room, and he tilted my head up to kiss me softly, sweetly.

Charlie stirred in the living room, shuffling around the morning newspaper and tipping his half-empty mug over so it fittingly spilled lukewarm coffee on the coffee table. He grumbled to himself about clumsiness and sopped it up with the newspaper, and Edward seemed to snap back into reality.

He collected a change of clothes and the still-damp towel he had used the night before. He kissed the crown of my head, breathing deeply, and I wondered if he felt the same intoxication with my scent that I felt with him.

I idled around in his room as he used the bathroom. Alice was still sleeping, though she tossed and turned in her twisted sheets, and Charlie was washing his cereal dish in the kitchen. The shower switched on, and I realized this was my opportunity.

I slipped out of the window and crossed through the forest behind the house to dart over to my car. I had left it in its usual spot, a few blocks away and hidden behind some dense brush on the southside of town. I opened the door to the cloying odor of my dried bathing suit, and I wished I had just thrown it out. The smell had surely seeped into the leather seats and I would be smelling stale river water for months. But, I didn't really want to throw it out. It felt like almost a sacred item now- and I touched the stiff blue polyester and remembered how Edward's hand felt against it, and the expression on his face when I pushed the towel aside and he stared down at me. There was no judgement, no criticism, nothing I had been so worried about. No, he found me desirable, and what had happened with Alice hadn't changed anything.

I folded the clothes neatly and stowed it in the trunk, then fished out the old cellphone I had stuffed in the back of my glovebox in the off-chance of an emergency. I slipped it in my pocket, locked the doors, and darted back to the Swan house.

I had been gone for no more than a few minutes, and nothing much had changed. The shower was still on, Alice sleeping, and Charlie was surprisingly still home and didn't seem prepared to leave any time soon. I guessed he had the day off, which he assuredly deserved. He was beyond dedicated to his job, and took his duty as the protector of this small town tucked in the corner of the country very seriously.

I hopped up in the tree by Alice's room, grateful that the sun was now hidden behind a blanket of grey clouds. I didn't think it would rain, but at least I wouldn't be spotted as some sparkling monstrosity hanging out in a tree outside the chief of police's house. Even though the lack of sun did mean a repeat of yesterday's exact activities were unlikely.

I punched in the number for the house phone at our cousin's house in Alaska, and tapped my foot nervously on a knot in the wood as the line rang and rang.

"Hello?" Carmen answered warily, likely not recognizing my cellphone number. I had used it maybe twice, and the first time was to set the phone up by calling the carrier, so that was understandable.

"Hi Carmen, it's Bella."

"Bella, mi vida, how are you? Is everything okay?"

"Yes, of course. I'm sorry to worry you, I just need to speak to Tanya. Or Irina, or Kate."

"They're on their way home right now. I can hear them running home from one of their… trips as we speak."

"Oh, that's good," I said, trying to swallow my nerves and wishing they would run faster so we could get this over with.

There was a pause, and then Carmen said, "So how have you been, Isabella?" I loved the way she said my full name, with her lilting Castilian accent that so reminded me of the early modern Italian I grew up with, and I realized that I was being a bit rude.

"I'm fine, just soaking up the little bit of summer we get here. How are you? How's Eleazar?"

"We're all well here. Eleazar and I are planning on taking a trip to Ireland to see Siobhan, Liam, and Maggie in a few weeks. He's been summoned to consult with the Volturi on a new acquisition, so we thought we'd make a vacation out of it."

That wasn't out of the ordinary. Aro often asked Eleazar to return to Volterra and ascertain the importance of the gift of a newborn, and sometimes they were there even a few times a year. Usually, it was nothing. Someone had a minor, inconsequential gift, and they would be discarded the minute Eleazar detected and named the gift using his own abilities.

"That sounds lovely. Ireland is beautiful this time of year, and Siobhan is always a gracious host."

"Yes, I just wish she'd let that little Maggie have a bit more freedom. She's well over a hundred years old and I don't think she's ever been more than a mile away from Siobhan."

"I don't disagree," I said, thinking of the young vampire with the bouncy red curls that was always tucked into Siobhan's side. I had only met her a handful of times, but she seemed cheerful and outgoing and kind, and I wondered if she felt stifled by Siobhan's booming personality. She also seemed to be the type to develop a conscience, and while I would never cross Siobhan and try to take away something she treasured, I did hope that we could add another vegetarian to our ranks one day.

"Well, here they come, Bella. I hope we'll talk soon. Stay safe, and give everyone my love."

"Thank you, Carmen," I said, and I could hear the phone change hands.

"Well, who do we have here," Tanya said playfully.

"Hi, Tanya," I greeted, and tried to retain my manners. "How are you? Was your trip productive?"

"Well, I'd say so," Tanya chuckled, and I could hear Irina and Kate giggling from another room. If I could blush, I would be doing exactly that, and I knew it was only going to get more embarrassing. "Now, tell me, how is that delectable mate of yours? Still human, I assume?"

"Edward is still human," I confirmed, and I shifted my weight and hopped up to a higher bough to hide behind the thicker leaves. "He's actually why I'm calling."

"Let me guess. He's realized he's desperately in love with me, and wants to run away to Alaska?" Tanya teased, and I rolled my eyes.

"Not exactly."

"Oh, well. A girl can dream."

"You'll find someone too," I promised, but Tanya brushed me off.

"What is it I can do for you? I assume you wouldn't be calling, given the circumstances, unless it's important."

I chewed on my bottom lip, and eavesdropped on Edward and Charlie awkwardly chatting in the kitchen as Edward tried to get his breakfast.

"I was gonna take Alice up to this craft fair in Port Angeles she wanted to go to, if she ever gets out of bed," Charlie said. "You're welcome to come with us. Bella, too, if you want."

"No, thank you," Edward said quickly, then paused. "Alice and I g-got into a f-fight last night. I d-don't think she wants m-me around right n-now," he said, offering more personal information than I had ever heard him talking to Charlie about.

"Oh," Charlie said, seemingly as surprised as I was. "If you wanna talk about it, I'm here."

"I'm okay," Edward sighed, thumbing the edge of the newspaper. "I th-think I'm going to g-give her s-s-some s-s-space, though."

"In my experience, that's something women like," Charlie agreed gruffly, also a bit uncomfortable with the personal aspect of the conversation. "Just know that I'm around. It's my job, to help you kids, and that includes… this stuff."

"Thanks, Charlie," Edward said, and I could hear the sad smile in his voice.

"Any time, son."

"Bella?" Tanya asked, reminding me of what I was supposed to be doing.

"Sorry," I apologized.

"Someone's distracting you, hm?" Tanya said, a teasing smile in her voice.

"You could say that."

"I don't mean to be rude, but am I supposed to guess? You're being rather cryptic, and you've already denied the scenario I assume to be most likely. I mean, Edward was so taken with me-"

"How does one manage intimacy with a human?" I interrupted, and Tanya went silent, then I heard whooping from her sisters in the background. I groaned and twisted a small branch off and flung it into the backyard.

"Bella, are you asking me about sex?" Tanya asked, and I bit my bottom lip hard enough that I could almost taste the venom under my marble skin.

"Well, there are only three vampire women I know off the top of my head who have managed to do so with a human man, and you're one of them."

"Well, this is quite the development!" Tanya exclaimed, and I could hear her shushing her sisters. "Okay, tell me exactly what your problem is, and I will try my best to guide you in the right direction."

"I don't even know where to start," I sighed, breathing in time with Edward as he hummed and tended to the eggs frying on the stove. "It's all so overwhelming."

"I understand," Tanya agreed. "The blood, when they get all hot and excited, is almost irresistible."

"That's not my problem," I huffed. "I've never been tempted by his blood. I'm just terrified of hurting him. Yesterday, we were… being intimate, and I had my hands in his hair and I was so overwhelmed, I could have crushed his head without a second thought."

"That is a problem," Tanya agreed. "In the beginning, it was never a worry of mine. Of ours. We had our way with our partners and didn't care if they were damaged, because it always ended with them serving as a meal. As time went on, though, we made an effort not to harm them as we realized their worth as individuals.

"How we did that, well, it was not easy. Though I have to preface with saying that I think your experience will be different. A mate is a sacred partner. I don't know of any vampire who has been able to hurt their mate, neither intentionally or otherwise."

"How many have mated with someone who remained human, though?" I pointed out.

"That's true, too. It's just an observation. Just try, Bella. Think of doing something that would physically hurt Edward."

I did as she told. I imagined us in the clearing by the river again, with my hands in Edward's hair as his own caressed my body, and then getting swept up in the pleasure and snapping my fingers through his skull.

My whole body physically recoiled, and a phantom pain ripped through my dead heart. I dropped from the tree quickly and peaked into the kitchen window, needing the reassurance of seeing Edward whole and healthy as he tore the crust off his toast. I knew he was fine, logically. I could smell him, hear his heart and his lungs, the rush of lifeblood cycling through his circulatory system. I sighed in relief, and wished I could curl up in his arms and leave that horrifying, blood thought behind, but Charlie was still meandering about the living room, and Tanya was still on the other side of the phone.

"See?" Tanya said. "I don't think it's possible."

"You might be right," I gasped, throat impossibly sore as I swallowed back the venom. I jumped back into the tree and settled back on the higher but more fragile branch.

"But either way, there are some things you can do. If hurting him with your hands is something of concern, of course you need to find something else to hold on to. In a bed, I'd suggest the headboard, but make sure it's not of sentimental value. Chances are, you're going to break it. It's not like wood is particularly sturdy in the first place.

"Take it slow, Bella. Edward is… a special person. This isn't going to be something you're planning on jumping right into, right? Like, you're not planning on having sex tonight or anything?"

"No, definitely not."

"That's definitely the right move, for both of you. You're going to need to try to adjust to feeling something you've never felt before. But that has more to do with the bond than just sexual intimacy, so that's a conversation for someone lucky enough to have one."

"You'll find him soon, Tanya," I repeated, but again Tanya brushed me off and launched into a graphically detailed speech that included position suggestions and timelines, with Kate and Irina both chiming in to my utter humiliation. This was meant to be private, whatever that meant. And now I could add Tanya, Kate, Irina, and Carmen- who would naturally tell Eleazar everything- to a list that already included Carlisle, Esme, Rose, and Emmett.

But still, it was useful information. I was grateful for the accuracy of my memory, because I didn't think I could bear to take notes while Tanya suggested different locales and questioned me on whether I was more dominant or submissive in bed, or when Irina then joked that I would have no idea and the gentle ribbing on the state of my- for the lack of a better word- virginity.

I was ready to hang up. I was sure Edward would be ready to get out of the house, give Alice her space, and this conversation was only keeping me from him. At this point, it was devolving more into stereotypical girl talk than useful instruction, but then Tanya said something that struck me as important.

"But the piece of advice that I utilized in the beginning of my own intimate encounters, where I left them alive, of course, is simply keeping your hands off, and finding a touchstone. Channel your pent up energy into crushing something that's breakable, but if you find yourself starting to become overwhelmed- though mine was typically with bloodlust- just remind yourself that it's Edward.

"It's Edward, your mate, the man who loves you. He's tender and breakable, and he's the embodiment of everything you love. Remind yourself of Edward outside of carnal knowledge. Remember a happy, chaste moment, maybe when you were laughing, or when he was being particularly sweet. I'm sure you have plenty of those memories. And just repeat it to yourself over and over until you find yourself firmly in control and no longer overwhelmed."

I turned her words over and again in my head. She didn't stay on the line, likely sensing that I had had enough, and leaving me to sit with her advice. I was trying to index and sort through the information I had receiving, and I ran back to my car and sped through the neighborhood back to collect Edward.

He seemed grateful, and I drove us south along the coast. Edward had suggested going to a bookstore, and I thought it might be better to avoid Port Angeles, where Charlie and Alice were possibly spending the day.

"Do you want to go down to Aberdeen?" I asked at the main stoplight in Forks, needing to decide whether to go right to Port Angeles, or left for Aberdeen. "We've kind of worked our way through that little bookshop in Port Angeles, and Aberdeen is pretty close."

"That's where Kurt Cobain w-was from, right?" Edward asked, flipping through radio stations before finding a nineties garage rock station with a dull Pearl Jam song playing.

"Home of loggers, flannel, and grunge," I confirmed.

Edward shrugged amicably. "Anywhere's f-fine with me. I d-don't th-think I'm going to find any b-books on n-neoclassical Piedmontese furniture outside of a d-design s-s-school university, anyways."

"Why on earth would you want to read about neoclassical Piedmontese furniture in the first place?" I laughed, zipping along the wet road to turn onto the one-oh-one.

"Esme t-told me she wants t-to t-totally redecorate, and not in the s-s-style she normally does. She wanted t-to do s-s-something 'homier', and she kept going on about n-neoclassical Piedmontese furniture and asking f-for m-my input. But honestly, I have n-no idea what n-neoclassical Piedmontese furniture l-looks l-like!"

I giggled and whipped the car around to pass a slow eighteen-wheel truck on the little one lane highway. "So you were going to try to study to have a conversation with Esme?" I confirmed, teasing him a bit.

"I want to c-contribute!" he defended, threading his fingers through mine and taking my hand from the gearshift after I sped up to kiss along my knuckles, distracting me from my follow up ribbing.

"It's just furniture from eighteenth century Piedmont, which is a region in northern Italy. And honestly it's a little gauche for our tastes, I think. You should tell her to think about something modern but eclectic. And a non-white color scheme that's still muted. She'll love it, and then just run with the idea," I suggested. If anything, I agreed. The white modern interior was clean and sleek, but was getting a bit old. I think she kept it that way because we all had our own spaces decorated to our own styles, so the shared areas were completely neutral. But with Edward around, it didn't hurt to make the space feel more approachable and less sterile.

"Modern eclectic with muted colors," Edward repeated, committing it to memory.

"Now maybe you can find a book about something you're actually interested in, instead of an obscure interior design subject?"

"That w-would be n-nice," he agreed with a grin.

The silence on the drive was easy and light. Edward opened the window as we drove along the oceanside, resting his head on the doorframe to breathe in the smell of salt and rain, and I watched as ocean spray cracking along the rocks flew up and collected in Edward's bronze hair, then blew off with the wind. He hummed along to the stereo, turning it up when a Nirvana song came on, and watched the world as the pavement flew beneath us.

I was still thinking about Tanya. It was an interesting piece of advice- a pre-selected benign memory to serve as a touchstone and repeat and replay to anchor me in the moment, remind me of what was important.

There were so many moments, but one stood out. It wasn't some kind of milestone in and of itself, like our first kiss, or the first time he told me he loved me. But I couldn't help but think of what I considered our first date. It had been a sunny day, and we were heading to the meadow for the first time since Edward had learned the truth of my nature. I had picked him up, but he brought me flowers he had specially picked, a small bouquet of crisp and blooming wildflowers that Esme had pressed and preserved for me. It was such a small, normal gesture, but it was so profound.

"What are you th-thinking?" Edward asked, and I noticed he had been staring at me. I removed my hand from the steering wheel and tossed my hair to the side, trying to hide a bit of my expression from him.

"You, of course," I said honestly, and Edward smiled and shook his head.

"You're always editing," he accused.

"As if you tell me everything you're thinking," I pointed out, staring back at my fleeting view of the coursing flow of the Humptulips River, which Emmett always loved to laugh about every time we crossed it.

"That's d-different," he insisted.

"How is it different?"

"I d-don't know. It j-just is."

I snorted unprettily and untangled my hand from Edward's to shift gears as we drove through a small town, weaving through the slow traffic of human drivers easily. There was a police officer a mile away, apparent from the rumble of the Crown Victoria engine, and I started the slow to a more acceptable speed to blend in with the regular flow.

Edward hummed along with the opening chords of a Radiohead song, then started singing the depressing lyrics about a man admiring a special woman whilst denigrating himself. As enjoyable as Edward's smooth, satiny voice was to listen to, I didn't care much for this particular content.

"You d-don't like 'Creep'?" he asked, noticing my frown. I shrugged noncommittally, placing both hands on the steering wheel at the mandated three o'clock and nine o'clock positions as we passed by the police officer who was sitting in his car on the side of the road.

Edward kept humming, and he casually rested his hand on my leg just above my knee. Even through the dark denim, the heat of his hand was blazing on my skin. He rubbed his thumb gently on the inside of my leg, and his hand slid up slowly until his palm was at my mid-thigh.

I swallowed back the venom in my throat and clutched at the steering wheel. This was chaste. This was normal. There was no undertones in a simple gesture of Edward wanting to be close to me. But then he moved his hand even further up to cradle my inner thigh, and his circling thumb was dangerously close to where I so desperately wanted it to be. I slammed my foot on the gas and squirmed minutely, pressing my legs together and trying to find some kind of relief to the pulsing desire.

I glanced over at Edward quickly from the corner of my eye, trying to gauge his state of mind. He was grinning innocently, his full lips pulled into a crooked smile as he stared out the windshield.

I tried out what Tanya suggested, even though I wasn't out of control or overwhelmed. But Edward's hand was oh-so hot, and so close to where I needed it to be. I thought of Edward bounding out of the house in those dark jeans and that tan sweater, his bronze hair dark with dampness from his morning shower and sticking to his forehead. And he had been holding those flowers, with a delicate blue ribbon tied around the fragile stems. He had been nervous and blushing, but it had been a gift he had put thought into, so of course I was going to love it.

I held on to the memory for the rest of the drive, with Edward's hand still firmly on my thigh and his elegant fingers lightly massaging into my marble skin, and replayed his shy grin while I touched the petals of my wildflowers in my imagination. I was almost vibrating out of my skin when I pulled into the parking lot of the quaint bookstore in rainy Aberdeen.