You've Been Gone Too Long- Buddy Guy
Run- Hozier
Carlisle and I left under the cover of darkness in the early hours of the morning, with only a moment's notice and no plan forward. I remember flying through the city, darting around corners, all of our belongings tucked under our arms and our ears keen to the sounds of following footsteps.
We slipped out the gate and took to the countryside. We were well-fed, young, truly free for the first time. Once the towering walls had faded in the distance, the wind turned from stale to fresh, the sky brightened with an orange sunrise that set our skin to a soft luminescence.
We hardly spoke. Maybe it was an old habit from every hunting trip we had ever been on, knowing there was surely someone nearby, watching and listening. But we seemed to silently agree that there would be no assured safety on the continent.
We stole. Crossing through the Duchy of Savoy, rain began to fall. I took treated hide from a small tannery to protect our belongings. The only item with any damage was a Cervantes manuscript- the edges dried brittly. Carlisle sighed sadly when I wrapped everything. His brows were pulled together, his hair darkened in the wet. He stared inside the empty tannery, where a man in this small community surely made a living that supported his entire family. With the ubiquity of warring in the region, strife was rampant. The guilt was etched across Carlisle's face.
We could have gone east, I suppose. I had spent some time through the Asiatic continent before happening upon the Volturi, so I wasn't unfamiliar with the regions. But we didn't even discuss it, we just automatically went west. Through the rolling greens of the French highlands and over the snowy peaks of the Pyrenees, clawing up the screes in the Montes de Toledo and skirting past the Portuguese montados until we ended up at a rocky cliff north of Lisbon in the dead of night.
The wine-dark sea crashed against the rocks, the crescent of a silver moon peaked out from behind heavy clouds. Light glistened off the seaspray like shimmering gems, appearing and falling back into the ocean as quickly as they shined.
We agreed that Carlisle would slip away to the city to secure us passage on a ship, and I would stay with our belongings. We would draw less attention that way. And with our limited funds, I wasn't optimistic about our prospects. The New World was, well, new. Few ships were open to passengers, and even fewer to women. Carlisle did weeks of manual labour by night to earn our keep, and even then we were sequestered to a low cabin from which I was barred from leaving.
We were in a small fleet of colonisers, heading to Portuguese America with supplies and weapons. They were seasoned seafarers and well-prepared for the journey, but still spared little food for us. Carlisle collected it and gave it to two of the children tasked with disposing of the waste. We had no need of it, and the children were too grateful for the extra meals to make note of it to the crew.
I stayed in the cabin for four straight weeks, pacing and flipping through papers which had been long since memorised. Carlisle went for walks simply to escape my restlessness. He, at least, had gained respect from the crew for his ability to complete the work of three men. He mended a mast and cut and sanded enough wood for a fortnight of repairs in a single night. They took us for a pair of pale eccentrics, which at least for the most part kept the men away from trying anything with me.
It was the longest either of us had ever gone without hunting. We gorged ourselves on cattle and a few wolves before boarding with the expectation of this journey. But Carlisle was still so young, and I was barely better off. I hadn't seen the sea or stars for weeks. His eyes grew dark and bruised, the discomfort grew to pain. Our throats blistered against the dry venom as we silently lamented our plans.
We could have swam if either of us could bear to part with our things. We both kept things from our human family which we treasured more than gold or gems- a cross from his preacher father, letters from my sister and parents, a signet ring. I tried to convince Carlisle to leave and make a swim for it, but his disappearance would be noticed and he worried for my isolation. And we were too far from any known land to slip on and off in the night.
The torture came when a knife fell in the galley and the cook slashed his hand. The scent was overwhelming. It was all I could do to grab Carlisle and pin him down, my knee on his chest and my palms on his shoulders. His pupils dilated to almost consume his pitch irises.
"Stop breathing," I hissed. My lungs screamed for the smell. Everything in me told me that I needed that blood. Who were they to fight us off? Some sailors, likely to die of disease or battle anyways? The Volturi showed us we could be gods and they should be so lucky to have their blood in our bodies, to sustain us.
It was a silly notion. The instinct was just that. There was no deeper meaning to it. These men were fathers and husbands. They were somebody's child. They were loved and wanted by their families and friends. My base nature wasn't as strong as my conviction, and I helped Carlisle through his own struggles until the blood flow stymied and clotted and the blood was diluted with water and washed away.
Eventually, we spotted the shoreline and made landfall almost two days later. We were lucky that the journey was so calm and quick. We could have been battered by storms and crashed into a reef, and then the suffering would have been for nought and we would never have been able to save our travelling companions and get back to land. Fate was on our side, for once. It must be Carlisle, who was destined to save so many lives and give his entire existence to the preservation of life. Karma rewarded him with safety and comfort and a devoted mate content in her own existence, ready for their shared eternity.
And me?
The flame has consumed me.
I can still feel the burning- I thought that would surely have faded, but perhaps that's simply the hellish nature of my afterlife. But I know the fire has fully engulfed me.
I can only hope that my body has become ash. I can float through the wind and melt into the soil and sea. And one day, Edward will return to the earth as I have, and our physical forms can be joined again.
I have been alone before. I can wait again.
Ash on an old man's sleeve
Is all the ash the burnt roses leave.
Dust in the air suspended
Marks the place where a story ended.
Dust inbreathed was a house-
The walls, the wainscot and the mouse,
The death of hope and despair,
This is the death of air.
There are flood and drouth
Over the eyes and in the mouth,
Dead water and dead sand
Contending for the upper hand.
The parched eviscerate soil
Gapes at the vanity of toil,
Laughs without mirth.
This is the death of earth.
Water and fire succeed
The town, the pasture and the weed.
Water and fire deride
The sacrifice that we denied.
Water and fire shall rot
The marred foundations we forgot,
Of sanctuary and choir.
This is the death of water and fire.
"Faster, Bella," Edward whispered, voice gruff and sharp. I blinked through my stupor. He was here already? I was familiar enough with eternity, but never had it felt so quick.
"Why do I need to go faster, Edward?" I asked. My voice felt corporeal, painful and unfamiliar as my throat burned. This was disappointing- I was hoping to be freed from this in death, but it seemed thirst would truly be an eternal suffering. Punishment, I supposed, for my sins. I should have left them alone and unsoiled, but instead I had doomed Alice to this same existence and tied Edward to me irrevocably.
I stumbled instead, my feet catching on themselves and my body falling forward with no control. Jasper reached out to grab me and set me right.
Jasper was here too, and I felt my eyes actually open.
"I'm sorry," I said automatically. My throat was still on fire, but my lungs hurt too, and I was gasping as if short of breath.
I glanced back futilely, searching. Edward was not here. He was not with me. It was simply the cold countryside, rolling hills of dry and brittle grass and dead vines, smokestacks tunnelling from chimneys. The city was shrinking on the horizon, only the vibrant walls visible from this distance.
Apparently it was winter. I couldn't recall the month. My memory felt foggy, my head heavy. I almost tripped again, but Jasper's hand was tight around my forearm and his grip held me up.
"It's okay, we're almost there," Jasper promised. I didn't realise I was panting, but when I tried to hold my breath I just felt worse.
I wanted to ask where. I couldn't piece together exactly where we were. Everything looked so different from when I lived here, or even from when I was a human. The whole world was so different, evolving constantly while I stayed the same to the point that I couldn't help but wonder if I even belonged anymore.
There were bright lights up ahead, obviously fluorescent and nearly blinding. I squinted, trying to make out what it belonged to.
Jasper reacted before I heard anything. He stopped quickly, pushing me behind him so abruptly I couldn't find my balance again and landed on my knees, sharp rocks cracking against my skin. He crouched in front of me, his entire body lithe and ready. I hadn't noticed how scary he was before, even when I saw him fight three newborns at once, but he was covered in bright, crescent-moon scars that denoted thousands of battles, and his entire demeanour screamed danger.
I righted myself, standing up but still swaying. Dizziness? It was baffling. Then I heard footsteps, just before they appeared.
It was Felix with Lorenzo, the young vampire who escorted me into Volterra whenever it was I returned here. Based on the weather, it seemed it was probably longer than a couple of weeks. I had only lost track of time once before as a vampire, when Alice caught Edward and I in a… precarious situation on the couch. But that was for a reason I understood. I couldn't make sense of this, like everything was a faded human memory.
Felix had his hands up and a smile on his face, but Lorenzo looked taken aback- whether his surprise came from me wobbling about or Jasper's defensive state was guesswork.
"I just wanted to say goodbye," Felix said calmly.
"He's that friendly with Bella too?" Jasper asked, nodding towards Lorenzo.
"We're just out on patrol, that's all. This kid is new, he's not supposed to be out and about by himself."
Some unspoken understanding seemed to pass, and Jasper seemed to relax slightly. His shoulders rounded off and he stepped to the side.
"Is it selfish of me to say I'm sad to see you leave?" Felix asked.
"I'm not surprised. I'm a delight."
Felix snorted, and even Lorenzo seemed to settle down.
"I'm sorry there are no squirrels around for you to fuel up on."
My stomach turned at the thought. My throat was burning and the thirst was obvious, but the thought of blood triggered a wave of nausea.
"I'd settle for a couple of lizards at this point."
"You don't look so good," Lorenzo blurted out. Felix glared at him, mouth open as if he was about to chastise him before I interrupted.
"I look better than I feel, I think," I laughed. It came out like a pained bark, and I flinched at the sound.
Lorenzo blanched, unable to maintain his composure entirely. "I don't know how that's possible."
I smiled, though I was sure the expression manifested as more of a grimace. The Nicomachean Ethics may be 'elementary', as Carlisle once teased, but Aristotle's suppositions rang true. "Although the young may be experts in geometry and mathematics and similar branches of knowledge, we do not consider that a young man can have Prudence. The reason is that Prudence includes knowledge of particular facts, and this is derived from experience, which a young man does not possess; for experience is the fruit of years."
My years far outnumbered Lorenzo, no matter how stolid his service with Volturi trained him to be. Experience I had in spades. Not to mention, Prudence wasn't a virtue that was particularly emphasised in Volterra, especially for the Guard who had such an infallible institution of protection. It was unfathomable to think of a world in which one who wore a grey robe, pinned to the hollow of his throat and hanging like draped silk, would ever need to practise such measured judiciousness and thoughtful care so as to exercise Prudence.
I felt Jasper's hand on my elbow again, and I looked up to see he had taken a step back to stand at my side. He wasn't looking at me, his black eyes were still affixed on Felix.
"I wish we had more time," Felix said. I couldn't read his expression. I didn't know if I had the energy to devote to decoding any subversive messages.
"Unfortunately, time is a luxury Bella and I don't have at the moment," Jasper said stiffly.
"Get out of here, Bella." His soft voice was a whisper in my ear. I turned my head to the side, but I knew logically he wasn't actually there. I couldn't feel him. The familiar thump of his heart- steady and solid, his sweet scent of sunshine and boy. None of it was here. Maybe I was only half-loosing my mind, or losing half of my mind. Either way, I was retaining some semblance of sanity.
"I'm sorry, Felix," I said, though I wasn't sure what I was apologising for. "And thank you."
Unspoken words hung heavy in the cool air. Even if Felix wasn't obligated to constantly share his mind with Aro, he would have to at some point. And Lorenzo was sure to be unable to guard his thoughts in any way, not that he could be trusted anyways. And Jasper… I wasn't sure exactly what Jasper was doing here, or why he wanted me to teach him how to control his thirst. I didn't even have control of my own movements, at any moment I felt like I might finally keel over and not be able to get back up again.
"It was nice seeing you again," Jasper said to Felix, "And meeting you…"
"Lorenzo."
"I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to know you better, Lorenzo," I said sadly. He was so young to be sucked into the Volturi, bound by a mate with a desired gift but with none to show for himself. He was in for a difficult journey that was sure to grind down his cheery optimism. And the only thing I could do was hope for the best. Wish him well. If my actions had proven anything, it was that I was incapable of saving anyone. Aro compelling me to travel to Italy and wait for weeks for a few minutes' audience with him just reinforced what I already knew- I was powerless. My gift didn't make me a threat, only a target.
With one final unreadable look, Felix departed with Lorenzo in tow, and Jasper and I were left alone again. The night was corrupted with light pollution, but the stars still twinkled. Castor and Pollux were twinkling on the horizon- the same twins I pointed out to Edward on our last real night together. Twins, bound together for eternity after a life of heroism and suffering. Such was the nature of humanity, wasn't it?
"Unless suffering is the direct and immediate object of life, our existence must fail of its aim," I quoted softly. Jasper ignored me, at least. Or maybe he was familiar with Shopenhauer and agreed that suffering is the general rule in life, not the exception. The scars that littered his body would certainly demonstrate as much.
I had only been bitten once since my change, but I could still attest to the painful sting of one. I could imagine being victim to dozens upon dozens, especially in an actual battle setting versus just trying to reign in a newborn you were teaching control. At least I could always carry Rose with me, in a way. Her teeth blistered on my shoulders, my venom coursing through her body- sisters always, bound together.
"Will I get to see Rose again?" I asked smally.
Jasper looked down at me, lips tilting down into a deep frown. There was still a tinge of scarlet ringing his irises, but I wondered how he was managing his own thirst. Rose, Carlisle, and I had abstained from human blood from the start, and Esme and Emmett only experienced slips. Our cousins from the north, however, began as regular nomadic vampires, hunting humans and enjoying it. I knew their transition into our animal-based diet had been much longer and more difficult. Jasper discovering a conscience and choosing this lifestyle of his own volition, with no guidance, was exceptional.
"I know it's cliche, but it does help to not think about it," I said.
"Not think about what?"
My hand travelled to the hollow of my throat, fingers pressing to the source of the burn. An answer wasn't needed. Jasper nodded stoically and turned to look at the bright lights we had been heading towards before Felix bizarrely intercepted us.
"Are you able to run?" he asked.
I tested my balance, bouncing on the balls of my feet. I still felt unsteady, my thoughts foggy and my vision spinning slightly. I felt unnaturally calm, though, and that calmness made way for a perhaps unwarranted confidence because when I nodded and attempted to launch forward into a run I immediately stumbled and landed hard on my knees.
"Maybe not," Jasper sighed. "Jump on my back. The sun is coming up, and we need to get out of here before someone less accommodating than your friends comes across us."
Jasper was tall- almost as tall as Emmett, though not nearly matching his hulking size. I had to hop to hook my arms around his neck, and he darted towards the bright haze.
The offer was a surprise. I carried Edward like this, sure, but even if he wasn't my mate and my love, he was also still human. He posed no threat. Jokingly, I had seen Emmett carry Rose around as well, but it was the same sort of situation. Jasper was opening himself up to incredible vulnerability this way. My hands were at his neck. All I had to do was open my mouth to tear with my teeth.
Not that I ever would. Jasper was becoming something of an angel to me. I wasn't even entirely sure he was real. Hallucinations were becoming normal. For all I knew, I could still be in that cold stone room, biding my time until Felix popped up with a vintage Mystery Date or a Trivial Pursuit board where neither of us would totally understand the pop culture references.
I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. It felt so nice to be outside again. I could smell so much- grass and soil, the bitterness of insects and the must of a few mammals, either pets or pests but either way repulsive. My hair was whipping with the wind and knotting in a deliciously organic way.
"Bella?"
I opened my eyes to see we had stopped. It felt like we were still moving.
I unlatched my arms and slipped off his back, and would have fallen had he not grabbed me. I looked around, blinking away the brightness.
"What?" I gasped.
Before me was a sleek Airbus A319CJ, polished a shiny white with a singular blue stripe on the tail. I'd know it anywhere.
I turned to look up at Jasper. "How did you-"
He shook his head. "Not now. Not here."
I nodded in acceptance. After the hours that had transpired, I trusted Jasper implicitly. Even if he stole our plane, I didn't care. We could buy a new one. If I got to leave Italy, he could have the damned thing.
The airstairs were down and we boarded without ceremony.
It was a truly bizarre experience. The plane was open and on the jetway. Everything was lit up and seemed fully operational. But as far as I could tell, we were the only people around. I couldn't hear or smell a single human around.
The interior was uncorrupted. Plush, creamy leather seats. Carlisle, Alice, and Edward's scent still lingered, mingling with the bleach that was used to clean out her blood. It smelled like Jasper, too, now. He had obviously flown it in, and seemed perfectly comfortable to move up the cabin to the cockpit. He flipped the switch for the remote compressor and the engine started purring.
He turned to me, looking at me appraisingly. I was still standing in the middle of the aisle, as if I was waiting for the flight attendant to come to show me to my seat.
"I need to clear us with air traffic control. Stay here, I'll be back in a minute."
He looked at me for a moment longer, then jogged down the stairs and down the empty asphalt. I looked out after him. He was moving at a slow human pace, so there must be some human around somewhere, operating this whole place. It was a private airport, sure, and according to Jasper it was very early morning, but even still. A place like this has around-the-clock employees, the people who own the jets have hangars with on-call staff to cater to their travel whims.
Jasper made it to the tower and opened the door to walk inside.
And it hit me.
"Oh," I gasped. It was back with a searing, vicious vengeance. I thought it was the distance from Volterra, or the outdoors, that brought a little relief. But it felt like my chest was going to explode, my throat lighting aflame. My knees buckled and I fell to the floor, curling into the foetal position.
The carpet smelled like a cleaning agent.
Time stretched on in agony. I wasn't sure if my eyes were closed or if my vision blacked out. Blindness was a new experience, but there was nothing worth seeing anymore in this grey, drab world and the despondency settled deeper. The burning flared.
I wondered if this was the true end, not a hallucination. I had lost sight, and I could now smell nothing beyond the charred remains of my desert throat. In the Buddhist canon, Ādittapariyāya Sutta, or the Fire Sermon, the Buddha preaches about achieving liberation from suffering through detachment from the five senses and mind, which burn away and leave complete clarity. I am the selfish Mahakapi Jataka, the less righteous Alcestis. I am Parsifal without the honour or nobility.
Touch remained. I didn't hear him approach, but I felt the warm touch of his hand on my shoulder.
The thirst released its grasp, though only slightly, but the piercing ache in my chest cooled to a simmer. My eyes fluttered open to a concerned gaze and soft overhead lights.
"Et, O ces voix d'enfants, chantant dans la coupole," I whispered
"I don't know what that means, but we can get going now," he said, pulling me to my feet. "Do you want to co-pilot, or would you prefer to play the guest?"
"Co-pilot." I didn't think I would be much use, but it would be nice to see the sky. I didn't know where we were going in my family's stolen jet, but anywhere else in the world would be better than Italy. Kuala Lumpur, Timbuktu, Antarctica, Tulsa.
"Good choice. I reckon there's no in-flight service."
He hooked an arm around me and helped me limp to the cockpit. The engine was already humming, and we had no need of straps or safety belts. The sky was lightening with the approach of dawn when he pulled the plane out of its terminal and down the runway.
My stomach dropped when we tilted up, the force of gravity pushing my body back into the seat. I didn't resist. I curled onto the seat, my cheek pressed against the cool, butter leather.
Our ascent was quick. I lost my thoughts over the quilted stitching of the countryside, which transitioned into snowy mountaintops. We were heading north, wherever we were going, and it was wintertime. Must be the beginning of the season. Maybe around mid-October, when the Alps begin to freeze? Rose and I loved to ski together.
I looked back over to Jasper. He had one hand on the stick and the other at the control panel, deftly flipping through to manage our altitude. I had noticed before how his arms were littered with bite marks, but there were even scars on his fingers, his face. He was still very pretty, though. I hadn't noticed before how well-dressed he was. A white collared Oxford under a pale blue cashmere sweater, black jeans that looked either expensive or tailored or both, patent leather boots. He was even more of an enigma- a nomad who had spontaneously developed a conscience- and maintained at least a semblance of self-control based on his dark eyes- and somehow also carried a wardrobe and enough money to afford it.
I turned back to the horizon. I had too many questions to ask. I knew I had no clarity of mind- I was having fits that left blank spaces in my memory and robbed me of my faculties. I didn't even know my travel companion besides the fact that he wanted me to help him abstain from human blood. But what else did he want from me? The only other time I met him, he seemed cordial enough, on a noble quest to rid the world of the newborn armies he had once suffered in. Motives were rarely so pure.
Maybe whatever fate lay ahead was for the best. I could send word to my family that I was safe, give them some peace of mind and make plans to meet up again in the future. Carlisle could stay and finish out his contract, Rose and Em could see Edward through his senior year and get him to graduation. I could send him and Charlie money, make sure they were comfortable.
Edward didn't want me anymore. That didn't change how I felt.
Jasper mumbled something incoherently. I peaked over at him, then looked back at the landscapes. He was hunched over and stiff, looking more uncomfortable than he did in the great chambers of Volterra. There were cities below us now, built on the banks of winding rivers. So many lives that seemed small from this height.
Brown pastures and grey towns gave way to an expanse of dark blue waters that I finally recognised. It ruled out going back home, that was for sure, unless we were headed in an unorthodox route.
Our altitude dropped as commercial liners flew over us, headed either in or out of Heathrow. Jasper was periodically checking in with control towers, and seemed deeply concentrated on the task at hand. I wondered if, before he stole ours, he had ever flown a plane before. Normally, with any nomad, my guess would have been a resounding no. Jasper was full of surprises, though. He could tell me he could turn himself into a bat and I would believe him. I thought escaping from the Volturi not once but twice was impossible, so what the hell did I know.
The ocean disappeared briefly to rocky beaches and dull English towns, before the Celtic Sea consumed the view. It was still early, but the sun sparkled on the indigo water. We were low enough that I could see the waves crashing against the white cliffs that marked our entrance to Ireland.
I expected emerald greenery interspersed with bright red, freshly tilled soil. Instead, the entire country was blanketed in white snow. We flew straight through almost the entire island to the point that I wondered if Jasper was staying low for some other reason and we weren't actually going to land any time soon. But he started guiding the plane into a descent just along the northwesternmost coast.
It was just a single landing strip running parallel to a sandy beach. The tires glided across the pavement expertly, and we were thrown back as he hit the breaks. I looked out in front of us, trying to spot any clues.
There was a car at the end of the tarmac. Just over the other side, a glimmer of hope on the horizon. Like the twinkle of morning dew on copper grass. A tousle of bronze hair shining in the distance.