Don't Matter Now (Acoustic) - George Ezra

"I think it is time for me to leave," Jasper said. He was standing in the doorway, hands in his pockets and his expression twisted with discomfort.

In truth, I couldn't believe he stayed as long as he did. It was obvious he was uncomfortable around so many people, and to be inside on top of that- even if he was abstaining from human blood, transitioning from a long-held nomadic lifestyle would be difficult. Emmett had been trying to keep him company outside and the rest of us sat in an awkward silence beside a mild fire.

I still felt… unwell, as bizarre as that was. My thoughts felt cloudy and singular, as if my focus could only be on one thing at a time. My stomach felt tight and cramping, my head ached, my throat burned despite how I gorged myself on blood.

And gorge myself I did. After the nausea faded, I drained everything Carlisle brought to me with gusto, leaving a mess in my wake.

Carlisle saved my dignity by running inside and bringing a change of clothes and a wet cloth to wipe my face and neck off with. I waited for him in the snowbank, the wind whipping up a delicate flurry. Flakes clung to my lashes, preserved in their shape and hanging like ornaments from a tree. I would make my own little Christmas, here in the cold. I didn't want to close my eyes, didn't want to be in darkness anymore, or disturb my snowflakes.

I couldn't keep the daydreams away though. I had wondered if they would abandon me when I fled Volterra. Perhaps it was the product of a starved mind. I felt weak and tired still, but the bodies I drained and piled in small, shallow graves beside me were evidence enough that I shouldn't feel that way.

It was the baby again. He looked the same as before, bundled in a warm blanket and resting in my arms. This time, I was sure he wasn't actually here- a hallucination, not a delusion. At least I could be assured I wasn't entirely insane.

He really was perfect. Pink cherub cheeks, long-lashed eyes sparkling a familiar green, soft curls of brown hair. His bowed lips were opened in a surprised O-shape, as if he should be babbling in delightful little baby gurgles.

"Hi," I whispered, brushing my fingers across his forehead. He was still silent, but gazed up at me in unblinking delight. In an earlier delusion, Edward had called him EJ. I guess it stood for Edward Junior, which was only fitting. Besides the hair, he looked just like him. This could be Edward's future, with some other brunette woman who could give him humanity.

With little EJ clutching my finger in his chubby hand, it made more sense. He was a manifestation of longing and desire that I didn't have the control or sense to suppress. I could, at least, rationalise this now. I had always had sympathy for Rose- I took from her the one thing she ever wanted. But I had that for myself. I had a human family, children whose lineage I still followed through the centuries. And I had an eternal family whom I loved dearly.

But with Edward, everything changed. I wanted… more. I didn't just have sympathy with Rose, I could fully empathise with that deep, primal need to have absolutely everything with him- the human reality and eternity. It was greed in its truest form. But now we had nothing. He hadn't looked at me, really looked at me, and I was sure that once he did it would be with nothing but the same contempt and resentment I saw when I left for Volterra.

Carlisle returned with towels and clothes, and EJ vanished before my eyes. I gazed down at my empty hands, covered with blood-tinged snow.

He leaned down and wiped them for me, dabbing at my face and helping me pull my soaked shirt off and slip on a warm, soft sweater that smelled like honeyed sunshine. He picked at some residual specks that crusted to my hair. I couldn't bear to look up at him.

"I'm so happy you're home," he said, tucking an errant hair behind my ear. I looked around us at the unfamiliar snowy bluffs and frigid ocean that stretched out to the horizon.

"We're Irish now?" I said dryly.

Carlisle didn't even roll his eyes in his dismissal of my joke. "Anywhere that we're all together is home."

He punctuated his statement with a kiss on the crown of my head, tender and warm, as he lifted me off the ground and into his arms.

"We're not all together," I mumbled into his shoulder. I thought of the distance with Edward, Alice missing somewhere in the world, the fracture within my family that felt wholly unbridgeable.

My legs felt stiff and shaky, my steps unsure as we shuffled back to the house. Edward was the only one there, and I was simultaneously terrified and hopeful that we might be alone together. But Carlisle ushered me to the upstairs and an awaiting shower, where soap and boiling hot water rinsed away every scent that clung to my skin- blood, cold stone, Italian countryside, dungeons.

If I had the energy to manifest shame, it would have been embarrassing to have Carlisle help me dress and comb out my hair. If he had any comments, he kept them to himself, and by the time we walked back down the stairs I was in my own clothing and everyone else was back ambling around in the silence Jasper with his announcement entered into.

"You're welcome to stay for the holiday," Esme said, answering first. I looked around, appraising my family's expressions. Jasper was a nomad, a nomad making an effort, but a nomad nonetheless. Rose was standing behind Edward, her hand on the frame of the couch and her body tight and defensive. Emmett had been sticking by Jasper's side with an uncharacteristic vigilance. I could tell his presence made them uncomfortable, and the circumstances and locale made Jasper equally so.

Still, I didn't want Jasper to leave. He was my saviour. His honey-blond hair was a halo, his scars no longer looked menacing but rather shone angelically. If there was one thing left I could do with this existence, it was help him. He wanted to try, and I would be with him for every step to guide him the way I should have for Alice.

"Why," I asked smally. I could feel Edward's eyes on me, everyone's eyes on me. I couldn't bear to look at anyone but Jasper, with his dark eyes and steady countenance. Everything felt calmer near him, even in moments of despair and chaos.

"It's not right for me to be here. I… this is not where I belong."

"It could be," I offered. He had to know I wanted him to stay.

Jasper sighed, and I recoiled. I was a burden on him, too. I should have figured as much considering what he did for me. He put his entire existence on the line, asking Aro for me to accompany him out of Volterra. He either changed his mind, or somehow managed to lie to Aro despite his mind being opened and examined by him.

"Let me at least help you. It's the very least I could do."

"You don't really seem to be in any state to help anyone right now, Bella," Esme said softly, stepping to my side to run her fingers through my damp hair.

"This is why I'm the best person to help you," I said with as much force as I could manage. "They offered it to me. You must know that. You could smell the blood through the whole cathedral. The drains in their floors, the scent that adhered to the stone after centuries of slaughter. I resisted, Jasper. Over four months, and I didn't give in."

He knew. He saw their faces with me as we fled. He basically carried me, only able to escape because I couldn't manage to fight my way back to those children who seemed to call to me.

"Make no mistake, I appreciate the situation, and your offer. And I plan on taking you up on it. Eventually."

"We can't convince you to stay?" Esme asked. She was still twirling my hair, but I'm not even sure if she realised it. It seemed to just be a nervous habit.

Jasper shook his head.

"How will you get back?" Emmett asked. I realised I didn't know anything about how they all ended up here together, with our plane and a strange house, when as far as I knew no one had been in contact with Jasper since we left Seattle. Everything was becoming more and more confusing.

He shrugged. "I'll swim."

"Well, you know where to find us. Feel free to stop at any time as long as trouble doesn't follow." Rose said brusquely. Under another circumstance, it would have been comical. She would probably escort him to the coast and push him off a cliff if Carlisle and Esme would let her.

Jasper nodded and looked around the room, nodding to everyone briefly before turning around to make his exit, leaving as abruptly as he came to us.

Just as he took his first step across the threshold, a ringing phone pierced the awkward silence. Even Jasper paused, caught off guard by the sound. My family carried cell phones, but no one used a ringer. It was the landline in the house, which didn't even look as if it was wired to anything.

"Smyth residence," Esme answered. Well, that at least connected one dot. This was one of the homes of Siobhan, an old friend of Carlisle's from before he even met me. She had a mate, and a 'daughter', and despite still drinking from humans and keeping the old ways, they were all decidedly more civilised and did prefer to maintain a smattering of permanent residences throughout the British Isles.

A clear, bell-like shout came from the other side. "Don't kill me!"

I vaulted forward, almost tripping over my feet as I ran for the phone.

"Alice!"