Chapter 25

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AN: Next week will be a oneshot, just an fyi.

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Nick chuckled. "Fluff, why wouldn't I be okay?"

"Well," she said, giving him a half lidded stare. "We had an entire Colambo sequence with Basil and Dave, followed by a trip back here, a debrief, and an unexpected front seat view of two tasmanian tigers having a mother of family spats, and…"

He let his head tilt. "And…?"

"Nothing."

He blinked. "I don't get you."

The bunny immediately began counting off her fingers. "No jokes, no snark, no silly comments, no puns, no… -No Nick-ing!"

"I… so?"

"I mean right there!" she said, arms out. "No: 'well of course not, I'm now on the side where that isn't allowed' or something like that... You're not being you Nick. And I know that that means something is bugging you to no end."

He stared down at her, folding his arms. "How often have you said I hide all my insecurities behind jokes and stuff?"

"I, a lot…"

"And how often have I been asked to stop fooling around and get to the point?"

"Yes, a ton, but when things really bug you, you cut the humour and go all grumpy and serious. This…" She closed her eyes, rubbing her forehead, before snapping up. "This is that stupid 'no jokes new Nick' thing all over again.'"

The fox's eyes widened for a second, before he turned back to his computer. "Please. We all know that 'New Nick' was made so that mammals would deliberately hate it, and when I bowed to popular demand and brought back 'Old Nick' there'd be such a rush to buy it I'd make even more money."

"I…" Judy rolled her eyes and let a smile grow across her face. "Ha ha. Glad to have you back."

"So, everything's okay."

"Not quite. As I said, what's bugging you?"

"What?" he asked. "I'm being jokey again, aren't I?"

"Using it in that old 'avoid the issue' way," she pressed. "Come on, let's get serious here. I just want the truth."

The fox huffed, looking down. "Okay, the actual truth is that it was an ingenious distraction so I could swap out cane sugar for cheaper high fructose corn syrup and mammals would be none the wiser."

The bunny tried to hold in her laugh.

The bunny couldn't quite manage.

Nick looked at her, smiling as it raspberried out until she could swallow it down. "Anyway," he began. "I have work to do…"

"Nick…" she grumbled, her foot starting to drum.

"Oh come on Carrots," he moaned, turning around to face her. "I can't be one thing, I can't be the other. I can't be all serious 'work-work-work' and I can't be laughing and joking."

"It's not about…" Judy began, only for Nick to carry on.

"-Are you just trying to make me kick and settle in some unattainable, extra sucky middle ground or something? Is that it?"

Judy paused. "What if I am?"

"Well, I'm not playing ball," he said, turning around. "I like being one, I like being the other, and being stuck in the middle is just a pain that makes no one happy. Makes no-one on either team happy, and I'm certainly not happy, believe me." His tapping increased, as he pushed on.

"Oh, I wouldn't know…"

"Because you've never had to try, you're always so far one end you know you're there and you're happy being there," Nick said. "Whereas I know what it's like to be stuck in the middle at the start. Yeah, plenty of mammals are cool with that, I appreciate it now. But there's plenty who are my team versus the enemy team, and stuck in the middle you're always in the latter. So you're always the one who gets at least twice the crap, most times more, what with being in the perfect place to be kicked between the two and all, always getting the sharpest end of the deal." He gave an extra pronounced hit down on the enter key. "And the last thing you want there is certain mammals coming in and acting like 'hey, it's cool, this all doesn't matter let's all be friends' like the bunch of idiots who know nothing that they are." He gave another slam down on the enter key and carried on typing, the hard beats of the keyboard keys ringing on.

"Yeah, I suppose I do," Judy said, Nick not paying much attention. "Must feel sucky to be stuck there in the middle."

"You bet."

"As a fox."

"Uh-hu."

"Weasel."

"Ye-up."

"Raccoon."

He froze, turning back to her. "What does a raccoon have to do with it?"

Judy blinked. "I…"

"What kind of sick hearted mammal doesn't like raccoons. They're… they're raccoons! They have mammals on both sides holding them up due to how cute and sweet and lovable they are."

"So, still in the middle?" Judy asked, paws crossed.

"I… Okay yes, but they can pull it off."

"Yeah," Judy said, laughing a little and rolling her eyes. "Like dingoes I guess."

"Ffff, cuss if a stupid fox like me knows about that," Nick groaned, slumping back down, head in paws. He rubbed his eyes a few times and focused back onto his screen, only to be broken off. Looking down to his side, he saw Judy standing there just… looking. "What?"

"That's it, isn't it."

"What is?"

"Dingoes. Jira. He's the one who's got you in this funk."

"Oh come on, I…"

He was broken off, a paw holding firm onto his own. "Please Nick," Judy said, "just talk."

He hung there for a few seconds before sighing. "Fine. As you asked so nicely." He stood up and began pacing about. "Do you know, back in the day, how many times we had the 'we can all get along' and 'Pred and Prey working together can do anything' and all that stuff parrotted into us at school? Ha, you name it, we got it, just like we got the whole 'Anyone can be anything' spiel. And as a middling teen I knew, I just knew, what a dime a dozen pile of bull crap that was, believe me! I mean, it didn't help that they were contradicting themselves. They still ran the good ol 'In Zootopia every mammal has their place' slogan, and you can't have that alongside 'Anyone can be anything'. Uh, hello, smartest mammal in the room chiming in here. And wise too, as I have first paw experience that all this stuff being parroted out by dumb adults is just nonsense. I mean, can't they see themselves?"

He snorted a little, shaking his head. "I couldn't believe that those 'hey fellow kits' dumb adults really believed what they were saying. I couldn't believe that they actually thought they could pull the wool over our eyes. I had it figured, I had it sorted, I could glide on on my easy sneaky life through this disgusting old world of ours as I had it figured." He clicked his fingers, winking, only to turn down to Judy, sighing. "And then I met one who really did get through. Who believed so hard she rammed in like a wrecking ball, and jolted something." He smiled. "You trusted me, then you gut punched me, then you came back and fixed me and woah you then wrecked me. Here I was, Nick Wilde, suddenly in police blues and finding that after years of being able to make lies and tall tales and spin them from my tongue no sweat a mile a minute I was faced with telling the truth… And I couldn't for a long while. The truth is brutal, the truth is scary… But you waited through and helped me to push and then." He smiled. "A crack of light, and the dam exploded as I realised that the truth wasn't that scary after all."

Chuckling, he scratched his back while looking up. "And I guess we just had a short recap of that here, huh. 'Cause after trying not to say it you pushed and pushed until a chink came through and here I am showering you with my mouth diarrhea."

A lapin grumbling came out. "Really Nick?"

"Oh, yes really. Here. I'm getting in close. I'm getting in close and getting it all over you. Bluuu bluuu BLUUUURGHHH!"

"Ew, gross, yuck," Judy lukewarmly played along. "You're like a good chunk of my brothers."

"I'm sure they're all the finest gentlebucks," Nick said, nodding his head before shooting up a finger. "As was I. No, a fine gentlefox… But more than that, I wasn't the kind of stupid dumb hello fellow kits adult who couldn't get across to me all those years before. Who couldn't relate, who couldn't make me see that no, whatever the reasons and however justified I felt they were or based in truth they may be, I was going on a cold and lonely path that I'd only realise was so empty and lonely a wasted decade and a half later. I was the mammal who could get down with the kits, who knew what it was like, who wouldn't spare the harsh truth or the gross joke or the snigger or laugh. I was the one who could get to them. Who could reach them. Who could grab them and haul them back on the bridge deck before they threw it all away, and come across to them and diffuse that ticking anger bomb and make them love and appreciate life again! Heck, I could even stop them making the same old mistakes I did."

He smiled, only to shrug. "And today I saw one of those kids. Angry, defiant, thought he had it all figured out. Resolute, proud… and scared. Cuss, who wouldn't be, given what happened to the last kit in his situation. I couldn't reach that one at the start, but when I did at the end I helped triage his pain and push him along to getting better. To not closing down, as I know what he was like before and for him to do that it… Just a waste, a tragic, tragic waste." Nick shrugged. "But in this case, we were in there right at the start, we knew the game, so first off I could tell him that he was safe. We were going to fix it. It wasn't even telling him he didn't have to be angry or life was good or anything! It was telling him that we were there to help him."

Paws up, Nick deflated, like a limp balloon spilling its life from itself. "And I couldn't even do that. The simplest, most obvious thing… And I tried, I tried harder, I played all my tricks. And then Jira gave a long spiel that made it clear what I was. I was that exact kind of 'get down with the kits' mammal I'd hated and snorted at when I was his age. Some mammal from camp A, saying that everything's gonna be just fine, while he's in the no-mammals land between camp A and camp B knowing full well he's gonna keep on getting kicked left and right to no end while I just talk nonsense out of my tail. I wasn't helping him, because he knew the truth, he knew the real rules of the game and he's going to go on and play them."

Breathing out, Nick glared down as Judy walked up to him. "Nick, you said yourself, you knew nothing about Australian history. You couldn't have known…"

He snorted. "If I'd taken an interest I could have."

"And what," she pressed. "Are you going to beat yourself up in the future when you don't know the core details of… -Zebrabwean history and find yourself not getting across to a mammal because of that?"

"I…" he began, mumbling a bit. "-I know it used to be called Rhinodesia."

Judy just smiled, "There we go."

"Yes, okay, maybe… -But I mean I should have gathered it from the whole 'Australia History one-oh-one lecture I got on the way over there," he carried on. "I mean, it's obvious now, dingoes are stuck forever as 'always on the other side'. You've got those who arrived in the last few hundred years who see them as just another bunch who've always existed on this land and ran around throwing boomerangs and chucking spears at one another. And then you have the other lot who evolved on that land and had it all as their own for millions of years. And to that, what's the difference between three thousand or whatever and three hundred? Heck, having a none… -a less gross baby making method is probably just a cherry on top. Especially given that after arriving early his ancestors evicted their marzie equivalents off the mainland. Were it not for their island retreat and a handy lack of boat building acumen, they'd have probably finished the job ages ago. But, it couldn't get worse right…? Oh wait, they were also a great thorn in the side when camp A and camp B decided they could work together and actually be friends!" The fox chuckled, huffing out. "I mean when I spell that it's even more obvious and I'm even more of an old blind todd."

"So, you didn't know," Judy said. "You do now…"

"But do I?" Nick asked, pointing at himself. Judy blinked, head going askew. "I mean," he said, pacing. "When I was that age, woah, I could spell out a story just like that for us foxes. Doesn't mean it's not drawing from the truth. Doesn't mean it wasn't super super ultra concentrated too. And in my case, yeah, age and wisdom tells me that getting off my pedestal and those fox-hate coloured glasses back then a little bit could have made things so much better. But here? You tell me. The cops didn't seem too nasty to him, they were joking, but is that because we were there, or is it all those kinds of jokes and they just add up and add up until they crush you. And I mean that thylacop, he's got a dingo girlfriend, I picked that up. And they didn't seem to care, again just the same jokes. No more than you or me. Same thing really, star crossed lovers between two species that hate each other… or so I think, 'cause do they? Today? And Jira's father? Is he legitimate? Is he someone who's mostly on the right but always requires a grain of salt like Anton Pounceheart. Is he a grumbling old Dominic Calrama, or a full on 'old Honey Badger'. I don't know, I don't know any of that… All I know is…"

He huffed. "That's an angry young mammal who thinks he's got it all figured out. Just like I had, and boy was I wrong… And I wanted to help him, to connect, just like I always could. But no," he shrugged. "I was just another useless adult who turned him further away."

Slowly, Judy came up and rested a paw on his arm. "I'm sorry," she said, glancing away a bit. "I know you wanted to reach him, but…" She chewed her bottom lip for a second. "You can't always help everyone. And trying to do that will just hurt yourself." She chuckled. "I can tell you that from experience."

Slowly looking down, Nick grew a little smile. "I can also tell you that. I did. A lot. And funnily enough I didn't get through there either."

"Well, you did…"

"I don't think it counts if it requires hospitalisation to drill it into that thick bunny skull of yours."

"Eh, opinion, opinions. And I've got a thick skull now, have I?"

"Uh-hu," he nodded. "And with your head already so much smaller, there must be almost no space for a brain left in there. It actually explains a whole lot."

She gave a snarky smirk and a light punch into the side.

"Ooof, fox abuse! Now I know she's back to her usual self."

"Great, and you're back too. Which if I remember correctly was kinda the main thing?"

She levelled her gaze at him, as he smiled back. "Yeah," he said, slowly settling down. "I think it was. Thanks Carrots."

She smiled. "Yeah. And don't worry about Jira…He just needs to find the right mammal, the right teacher, to connect too. You're just not that mammal. That mammal is out there, somewhere, probably ready to bump into his life when they both probably least expect it. They probably won't even know it, until they do."

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"So, fun first mission?"

Jack crossed his arms and nodded. "Ye-up."

"Uh-hu," Doug added. "It's surprising what a complete lack of combat or the facing of the grim realities of the battlefield can do for first timers morale."

Jack looked up at him seeing a faint… smile? He wasn't sure, and it wasn't there for nearly long enough for him to see it through.

"Anyway," Lt Vixen mused, pushing forward another latte (extra, extra, extra foam this time). "Nothing we can do as they're not exactly up to anything illegal yet… Or indeed, do we have anything more than intuition that they're actually the bad guys we're looking for…"

"-So wait," Jack said. "My first mission might have just been stalking a bunch of ice climbers?"

"Wolf ice climbers," Doug added. "Don't underplay that quite significant difference."

The lapin's expression of concern grew. "Ahem, if this is going where I think it's going… I think I'm going to underplay it."

"Oh, you're one of those boring woke mammals. Suit yourself."

"I shall."

"Also, the sociopath vixen is currently looking at us with a big smile on her face."

"Don't mind me," Lt Vixen said, her smirk growing. "Unless you have some popcorn to share."

Doug snorted. "I mean, if that's not enough evidence that she actively encourages and then enjoys societal breakdown, I don't know what is."

"Ah, hush you," she said. "Maybe we could share some drinks as you play your videos of the nighthowler species riots!"

"I… Okay, maybe I enjoyed those. But it was for the greater good."

Jack couldn't resist. "The greater good."

Doug turned to him. "Stop that."

"The greater good."

"Am I missing something here or is this one of those movie things you haven't shown me yet?"

"Never you mind," Lt Vixen cut off. "Now, back to the mission at paw. We were able to detect these mammals once, so if they're up to something we should be able to detect them again. Stay alert, stay ready, when my algorithms ping, we pounce."

They nodded, only for Skye to walk in, a paw up. "Or, they might have already beaten us to it."

"Go on," her sister said.

"I marked that mountain and the building from before on a map," Skye said, "and they cover a lot range across Tundratown. Both high points, both covering the district, both involving some kind of detector… I think."

"So they've triangulated their target already and might already be racing off to their end goal," Doug said, all eyes turning to him.

"Exactly," Skye said, ears up. "In which case, we're too late."

"Not yet, not if they haven't struck what they're looking for, if that's what they're doing," Lt Vixen said. "Either way, we're on full alert. We might have only one fleeting chance to interrupt them. If that's the case, we take it." She turned to them. "Get back to the break rooms. We wait, we watch, and we make sure we're ready. Understood?"

"Affirmative," they nodded, before heading off.

Doug slipped off, into the small breakroom where he sat down and began sipping his latte. He pondered whether the end result of this likely failing sham operation would be him being sent back to jail and nothing really changing at all.

Eh.

Nothing lost. He could chalk it down as an interesting diversion.

Of course, there was also the completely reasonable expectation that he was an expendable and that somewhere along the line he'd be facing his imminent demise. Naturally he'd known this going in and been judging and monitoring the mammals in charge for any signs of sudden betrayal. -The fact that he had five tasers annoyingly pricking down to his skin would have been the most obvious method, but looking closer he verified that they were in fact his very own designs with no modifications whatsoever.

Of course that also meant they were completely infallible and perfectly designed with no shortcomings, defects, or methods of secret removal.

He knew he should have put in an automatic sheep detector or a codeword based disarmer or something. If a mammal produced something designed to cause a level of pain or harm to others, the natural payback for their defeat or cause of such was always to make them endure it, and so the logical thing was always to design a 'its creator' detector and automatic evacuator, ideally linked to some form of humongous mecha. He just knew that he should have put in the effort to do something like that here, but did he? Oh no… It was only a prototype. He could put that in the mass manufactured version, along with the incorrect emotion monitor that was taking up most of his time.

He snorted. At the very least, the fact it was a prototype meant that it did have one flaw.

Insertion of some form of insulating material between the electrodes and his skin would render it ineffective. So, if his keen awareness of the others meant that he detected an upcoming betrayal, he could render the electrodes harmless and have a fighting chance.

Or rather, the lack of the insurmountable handicap of shaking in electric spasms on the floor. He'd still likely be facing bullets, poison gas, poison in his food or who knew what, with basically no ability to fight back. Because naturally to predators the idea that a prey should have a fighting chance to escape and live on with its life was purely nonsensical.

Well, they claimed they didn't trust him and at least knew that and so could act accordingly. So he guessed they'd have no issues if he shared the sentiment.

Well, they would, but screw them. They were irritating and hypocritical like that. And the rather blatant attempts to gaslight him otherwise were a particularly irritating cherry on top of that pie. Insult him all you want, but resort to insulting his intelligence? Now that was just irritating. It even made him appreciate the swift fox vixen who tended to dedicate every interaction they had to insulting him.

"Hi Doug," she said rather chirpily, turning on the television. "I thought we could watch a movie together."

"Okay, what's your plan?"

"Put on Hot Furzs. Jack said you'd like it."

"No, with this overly cheerful tone," he said. "Given how different it is to your previous ones, I can't help but think you've got something planned."

"Me…? Something up? Ah, that's just my old foxy nature."

"Glad you could finally agree, were it not for you being facetious."

She chuckled. "Sorry, okay. You want the truth?"

"Not that I'm likely to get it."

"I just realised how bad sheep have it too, and I realised we're just the same."

"Oh, really?" he snorted.

"Yeah! I mean, do you know how much sheep hate there is on the internet? Man, I'd hate to be a sheep these days."

"I'd hate you to be a sheep too."

"Thanks for the sympathy," she said, holding over a laptop. "I mean seriously, look at this stuff." She scrolled down a Ewetube channel, causing Doug to blink.

"Gruinard Gal? Isn't that named after the cock up anthrax accident?"

"The one where most mammals were saved by hyena doctors, I think so," she said, shrugging. "You tell me."

Doug took it and pressed play, watching the cartoon large mustelid with a bag on her head start to go off about… "This is abject nonsense…" he said. "I… Okay, I'm used to implicit ovinophobia but this… But this?"

Skye looked on as the ever-growing concerned look on Doug's face morphed into incredulity and then shock and then on and on into a kaleidoscope of not at all pleased. She just smiled slightly, surreptitiously texting into her phone. 'Stage 1, off to a flying start. Thanks a ton, Honeybun.'

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The peace was calming.

The peace was good.

No more excitement, no more having to jump and dodge and conform.

Just him, himself, in peace.

That's all Kris wanted. He didn't have to justify it, he didn't want to.

He just wanted it to be like before, time and life drifting past like a slow moving river, he on the banks. That was how it was before.

He walked onward, stepping through a round moon archway and into a long thin garden, stretching back before bending around a corner far away. In fact, garden wasn't the right word, pool was more accurate. Only an intermittent border of rock and lightly vegetated path was present, clinging to some of the walls before giving away to the lily and lotus filled water feature. Still, he supposed that it was still wide enough for far larger mammals than him to walk along, a path and small wooden bridges present, weaving through the sheets of drooping vines and trees, heavy with leaves and flowers and their scents. Through them he walked, keeping his body busy, letting his mind roll over the simple actions of foot after foot after foot.

Simple thoughts, repeating again and again, keeping his mind busy. Keeping the bad ones from popping back into the void. It was close enough, right. Right?

He stepped into a small lean-to pavilion, built up against the wall of some large building or other that rose up from the garden wall. The shaded space was long and thin in front of him, so even as it jutted out into the pool, it only did just a little. Tree trunk beams held up the tiled roof, while fallen leaves and shed petals dusted the stone flagged floor. Kris looked around, breathing out.

Peaceful, alone, the kind of place he needed. That he wanted. He could sit down here, meditate, be at peace and it would be as it was, be as if nothing, nothing at all had happened, and he was okay.

Which he was.

He just needed to brush away some of the stuff covering the floor and… 'You've got a brush glued to your body pelt, use it!'

He flinched down, fur on end.

That serval had never said that to him.

But had she had the time?

He found his tail in his paws, little shorter than many foxes would be in the summer heat, but suddenly feeling almost bald. Exposed. Not fox-like. It was a quivering, unsettling, stomach knotting feeling that had his ears going down as if he were alone in a fogged up forest as leaves and twigs snapped and cracked around him.

He sat down and closed his eyes as he'd wanted to, but his paws clutched his head and he wasn't at peace.

He wasn't sure how long he was like that before the sound of leaves and twigs snapping and cracking twerked his ears up. He sat up straight, folded his arms and legs as if he were actually meditating, and pushed on with it. Straining and working his mind to push at a feeling as close to the peace he had once known as he could.

Some of the stones creaked a little beside him, only to pause. "This is an odd place to meditate, young platinum fox."

Opening his eyes, he saw the tigress from earlier standing there, setting a basket down and pulling a small spear out. "It's Silverfox… -I mean, my colour phase technically is platinum fox, but my surname is Silverfox, so it feels more natural."

"Very well young Silverfox," she said. "I supposed I settled with Tigress, so it's one of those things."

"I remember Po mentioning that," he said.

"And as for meditating here… I thought it looked peaceful enough."

"I suppose it is, most of the time," she mused, walking forward and holding her arm ramrod straight. The ripples of her muscles came through her fur, she held herself statue still for a second, before she striked down. The spear cut into the water like a kingfisher, before being pulled out, a speared fish on the end flopping and struggling futility until finally laying still.

Looking back in, Kris noticed the slow shifting of the leaves and the water plants, and the occasional glimpses of the creatures that lay beneath. "I guess this was its purpose all along," he shrugged. "Still, even if it's technically wrong, it can still function perfectly well for what I want."

"I suppose that's your philosophy after all," she said, turning and pulling up her spear.

"What do you mean by that?"

She uncoiled herself, looking over. "Those are the clothes of a karate practitioner," she noted. "But they function just as well for our art too."

"I suppose everything does," Kris said, looking back to the water. "Po had the two others sparring in their usual clothes, he didn't seem to care."

"He's flexible, kind and forgiving," she said, pulling up her spear again. "One of the kindest mammals I know." She let the spear loose again, before drawing up the impaled fish.

"I guess," he carried on. "He was jumping out and excited when we got here, and then took us straight to eat a lot of food, and was doing everything he could to make us like him. It was quite overpowering."

He looked away for a bit, as the tiger shuffled a little before speaking. "You sound disappointed."

"It… It wasn't what I was expecting," Kris mumbled, fussing one of his ears hard. "I… I was used to karate, I was used to pushing myself and the discipline and working towards perfection… And Po, and all of this, isn't that. And all the others, they seem appreciative of it. But I'm not. The only reason I was here was to try and find the familiar again. That's all I want, after it was taken from me. But the world suddenly seems like I'm not allowed to have it again, and none of them understand."

"I'm certain Po tried…"

"He tried to say it was okay to be a sneaky, trick playing, dirty fighting fox," Kris said, glaring away. "He tried to say that even though I'd put in effort and had skills and fought honourably and far better than the others, I was a fox so I shouldn't be fighting like that. He was trying to make me think it was a good thing and I'd be happy if I just accepted it, and the only reason I was struggling was because I wasn't embracing my 'true self'. He tried to do all that, and make me like him, and I didn't like it. Just like I don't like all the other mammals saying there's something wrong with me and I have to 'embrace' it to feel better. I used to feel better, until it was stolen from me, and all I want is that back. That's all I want…"

He felt one of his eyes twinge a bit, something in it, and wiped away a drop of moisture with a paw pad. Closing his eyes, breathing in, he let it out and strained as he tried to fix his mind into a hard, firm, peaceful line. It trembled and buckled, before the tiger speaking next to him broke it and the silence.

"I remember when Po got here too. I hated him." Kris glanced over as she sat down next to him, staring out across the water in front as well, and carried on. "I was practising kung fu here for years, decades, even. Most of my life. Since I was probably half your age." There was a long pause. "A long time ago, there was an orphanage. Many young mammals were shuffled in and out, and many others spent their whole childhoods or teenage years there. But be you young or old, big or small, there was one mammal you feared. One so full of anger, so uncaring to others, so blinded by rage and fueled by fire in their body, they would lash out and beat anyone who bent so much as a whisker in a way that set them off. The only reason this mammal wasn't sent to jail yet was because they were too young, not that the orphanage runners didn't do their best. Most of the time, they were locked in isolation, a temporary peace for the others. Of course, many felt that wasn't good enough. They wanted permanent peace, and if the orphanage leaders wouldn't give them that then they'd stand up for themselves. So, in their kithood way, they phoned a kung fu temple and asked for someone there to teach them. So they could fight, defend themselves, win. And to their surprise, he actually came. But then, to their shock, then their absolute horror, he chose to go straight to the monster locked away, to teach them. And that was the day an old red panda came and offered to teach me."

She stayed ever calm. "I still remember them screaming at him, throwing themselves on the floor and asking why they were helping the monster." She closed her eyes, a small smile growing on her muzzle. "I still remember one saying 'if you teach her kung fu she'll literally be able to murder us all like she's always wanted to, you murderer.'" She gave a chuckle. "Now, I didn't want to murder that kid back then… but it was pretty close. I didn't even start a lunge before falling right on the floor, tripped up. And he then helped me up, telling me that I was a raging forest fire, hot, wild and uncontrollable. Mammals could forever flee me, scared and terrified. Or I could learn to control it, channel it, it would be long and hard, but I forge that rage and anger into something new. Something… beautiful. Beautiful was something the other kids got called, not me. I suppose that's why I gave it a chance."

Kris looked up to her, shifting around and letting his eyes meet as she turned to face him.

"He… was never close. There was always a distance, a gap. Part of me always yearned for a family, he always wanted to stay just a tutor. Once he'd been different. He'd got burned hard, and kept his distance. I won't say it was a happy ever after, but it was something. Something strong, something I could work towards, as I tamed myself and pushed, pushed, so hard to achieve perfection. To make myself strong, and to tame that wild fire, and over the years working at my art and getting ever closer and closer, that fire became a white hot forge inside me. It was who I was, it was what gave me meaning, it was everything. I had found my place. And then Po arrived."

"He beat you."

"No," she said. "The first time I sparred I thrashed him. Why wouldn't I? Him being here was a mistake. A very old and respected member of our order came to judge a new mammal, or animal for that matter, we've always been very open to the few non-mammals out there. That master was looking for someone with a pure talent for kung fu, the inner skills and drive to make it, to master it. I fought hard and fast during the ceremony, I'd trained for decades and the chance of this recognition, this supreme validation… On and on I pushed, until he announced who he'd selected. I turned to see his finger pointing towards me, but not at me. It was at him, a fanboy who'd somehow lucked into the tryouts. I was confused, but then as I saw him just jump along happily, expect things to work out, laugh and not take things seriously, I got angry. Who was this mammal who'd just come into my life and taken everything, everything, I'd worked for, dedicated my life for, for years. Decades. Who did he think he was, and as he made a fool of himself trying to learn the basics I could do in my sleep? Who did that obviously senile grand master think he was? And… What was I? All the work, pain, dedication, now to learn it meant nothing. I never said it out loud, but that was devastating. More devastating than I could ever express. So I didn't."

She trailed off, taking a breath in and out. Kris meanwhile, ears shifting down, looked away. "I'm sorry. But he didn't mean it. He just didn't realise. I know he didn't."

She looked over. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," he said. "I was him back then. Only I could actually do everything."

"I see," she said, without a hint of judgement. "I'm not sure how much difference that would have made for me. I don't think I took pleasure in seeing him fail again and again. Instead I resented him. This wasn't his place, I told him that myself. Yet he'd not only stick here making a fool of himself day-in day-out, he'd push hard and act all chummy, even making his own soup and dumplings, trying to share them. Trying to make mammals like him, as you said. And I saw through it all, and I cut him loose, and I pushed harder, and I showed off and I began to see him realise just how out of place he was and it felt good. He was finally wising up to the unjust fluke that got him here… And then one night I overheard him while he was getting acupuncture treatment for his training. Failing acupuncture, the practitioner was used to far… leaner mammals. And listening in, hearing him despair about how trapped he felt, I thought I'd be happy. Only, as he kept on going about how he was hating his body for holding him back, convinced he was a mistake, wondering why mammals hated him even though he was doing his best just to make them happy…"

She trailed off.

"No," she said. "Make her happy. I realised that all I'd done was become that screaming angry cub that sent the other kids running for cover again." She looked off into the distance. "Right then and there, that was when all my effort, all that training, all that dedication, became a waste. Not with Po, with me. I was just that monster again."

"You're not a monster," Kris said. "I've met monsters."

"Have you now?"

"Yes. They lie, they shift around, they expect others to mould into what they want. They lie without thought and get angry when they can't change reality. They want the world to be their plaything and others their puppets, and when they're not, they deserve the joy of being able to break them."

"That sounds a lot like I was."

"It's not what you are now."

"Those don't cancel each other out, do they?"

"You… you had a reason," Kris said, looking down. "Even if you were a bully, and I don't like bullies… Nothing made sense anymore. You were scared and confused, and the whole world seemed to be going along with it, acting as if things were one way when you could see they were not. Everything was a joke to them, but you weren't laughing. All you wanted was to go back to how things were when they made sense. When it all worked."

"Not long after, my old master had a breakthrough with Po," she said. "Not teaching him as if he was me, but building something new around him, from the ground up. And it worked. Finding the ways to motivate him, working on his strengths, making it so he was no longer fighting against himself, but with himself."

"Panda style."

"And I was… surprised. It shouldn't have worked, but did. And you know what?" She let a little grin grow across her face. "When I saw him smile and enjoying it, enjoying it in a simple way I never did, I felt a bit of it too. And he got better, and better, and one time I tried his style too." She chuckled. "I went from thrashing him in a fight, to him thrashing me. And then he suggested we work as a team, both our styles, different, yet somehow equal. None more or less valid than the other, and together greater than the sum of our parts. So today, I stay as I am, pushing towards that perfection, feeling the satisfaction as I shave off another layer towards something I'll never achieve. Taming that fire, forging it into my art. And Po? He does his thing, rolling with it, improvising, and finding a simple pure joy that radiates from him to others."

Kris nodded, a little smile appearing on his muzzle. "I suppose I'm happy for him, happy for others, too. Though maybe he can word things a bit more sensitively."

She chuckled. "Maybe he can get things wrong sometimes," she said. "I'm sure that after embracing who he was, he'd encourage me to do the same thing if he knew I was keeping it down. But I don't want to embrace that raging burning forest fire. I want to keep it shut down and tame, the monster inside of me locked up where it can never torment and torture anyone. Be it myself, or others."

"You're strong," Kris said. "One of the strongest mammals I've ever met."

"So are you," she said. "Trying to hold those principles, who you are, close. Never letting them go, always fighting for them as the world shakes and tries to change them."

"Thank you," Kris said, sniffing slightly. "I'm just… I'm just so tired. I don't know how long I can go on."

"I know what that's like. You just carry on regardless."

"I know… I just wish I…"

"You wish you weren't alone."

"Yes."

"I wished that too. In the end I learned I wasn't, and it all started when a mammal came to me and I accepted his offer. I've never thought about paying that forward though, until now."

Kris felt his muscles freeze, before looking up at the tiger, standing up. There was an uncertainty about her, he could make it out. A shiftiness, as if on unsteady ground, a leap into the unknown made but the landing not yet secure. The fox felt the same as he stood up, heart in his throat, only just small enough to be swallowed down. "Please, teach me."

She bowed. "All I can do is promise you my best, if you promise me yours."

"I promise, Master Tigress."

"As do I, student Silverfox."