(still)17.03.2015

Bes

I stood in the taxi queue just as the last cars left. People were running out of the station like their lives depended on it. I was picking up a Kane, they probably did.

The last to make it out of the terminal were three girls. I pulled out a placard with KANE on it, keeping it professional.

I was a professional, of course. My first driving job was on the Solar Braque with Sobek, things like this really shone on an autobiography.

I must have got the right girls, because they sprinted towards me. No human has ever been so eager to see me.

"About time!" I belched into my fist. "Bast's friend? Sadie Kane?"

"Um... possibly." Sadie pointed at her friends. "Liz and Emma. By the way, we have two gods trying to kill us."

When Bast asked me to watch her kids, she admitted they would be a handful. Did I expect the troubles to begin from the get go? No.

I smacked my lips. "Guess you'll want a bridge, then."

I turned toward the curb and yelled, "BOO!"

A black Mercedes limousine appeared from under the ground. It was my best drive, ugly and efficient.

The girls stared at it.

"Well? Get in!"

The three of them settled in the back.

We speeded out of the station. Thanks to all the panic, the police had cornered it off. Such an inconvenience, I had to swerve around the barricades.

I was just whistling the time away, when Sadie said "You're Bes, I guess?"

"Yes."

"Your car's a mess," Liz muttered.

"If one more person rhymes," Emma grumbled, "I'll throw up."

Won't be the first time someone'd thrown up in the limo. Set and Khonsu had gotten into the bad habit of calling me at four in the morning to pick them up from random bars in Vegas.

"Is it Mr. Bes?" Sadie asked "Lord Bes? Bes the Extremely Short?"

I did kind of missed being called Lord Bes, but I had a feeling the little Kane won't put the required amount of respect into it.

"Just Bes," I grunted. "One s. And no, it's NOT a girl's name. Call me Bessie, and I'll have to kill you. As for being short, I'm the dwarf god, so what do you expect? Oh, there's bottled water for you back there if you're thirsty."

"Not thirsty."

Police vehicles were blocking Waterloo Bridge, too. I swerved around them, jumped the pavement, and kept driving.

"Are we invisible?" Sadie asked.

"To most mortals. They're pretty dense, aren't they? Present company excepted, et cetera."

"You're really a god?" Liz asked.

"Huge! I'm huge in the world of gods."

Influentially, not physically. No one expected that at first, of course. I was mostly popular amongst the everyday people of Kemet. When I was young, the biggest goal was to be tight with the royals, but they were never that interesting to me. They called me a minor god, said I wasn't going to last long.

Then Egyptian rule fell out of the hands of Egyptians. But I was a protector of the home, the mothers, the children, even childbirth. I became the defender of all that is good, the enemy of all that is bad.

Traces of the old gods will always be present in any modern folklore, but I was very easy to spot. I was part of every day life, after all. It became impossible to erase me, impossible to imprison me.

"A huge god of dwarves," Emma marveled. "You mean as in Snow White, or-"

"All dwarves." I waved my hands expansively. "Egyptians were smart. They honored people who were born unusual. Dwarves were considered extremely magical. So yeah, I'm the god of dwarves."

Liz cleared her throat. "Isn't there a more polite term we're supposed to use nowadays? Like little person, or vertically challenged, or-"

"You are using modern terminology to refer to an ancient being born according to ancient concepts." I grumbled. "I'm a dwarf! Now, here we are, just in time."

The car spun to a stop in the middle of the bridge.

"Why are we stopping?" Emma asked.

I stood up on my seat and stretched. Cars were so spacious.

"It's a river," I said. "Good place to fight gods, if I do say so myself. All that force of nature flowing underneath our feet makes it hard to stay anchored in the mortal world."

"Liz, Emma," Sadie said, her eyes glued to the bridge. "We're getting out."

"Getting out?" Liz whimpered.

Emma swallowed. "Are you sure-"

"I know you're scared," Sadie said, "but you'll need to do exactly as I say."

The other girls nodded hesitantly and opened the car doors.

I stifled a yawn. "Need my help?"

Sadie glanced at the gods nearing the bridge. "Yes. I need help."

"Right." I cracked my knuckles. "So get out."

"What?"

"I can't change clothes with you in the car, can I? I have to put on my ugly outfit."

"Ugly outfit?"

"Go! I'll be out in a minute."

I shook my head as I locked the doors. Humans were so dramatic.

Ah, my ugly outfit! Just looking at it filled me with so much joy, that my eyes teared.

It was a blue Speedo. The real outfit was I - potbelly, hairy limbs, awful feet, hairy back. The speedo was pretty good, too, though. It had DWARF PRIDE printed on the back.

The look was ready just as Nekhbet yelled "Babi, attack!"

The kids were in a magical circle, glowing with a fading golden light. The baboon god reared up on his back legs.

Time for me to shine.

The limo's door opened and I announced to the world: "No one is attacking anyone! Except me, of course."

Nekhbet shrieked in alarm.

I climbed onto the roof of the limo and stood there, legs planted, arms akimbo, waiting for applause.

Instead, Sadie yelled "Put on some clothes!"

Understandable reaction.

"Not until they leave," I said. "Or I'll be forced to scare them back to the Duat."

"This is not your affair, dwarf god!" Nekhbet snarled, averting her eyes. "Go away!"

"These children are under my protection!"

Technically, all children were. But those specifically.

"I don't know you," Sadie said. "I never met you before today."

"Nonsense. You expressly asked for my protection."

"I didn't ask for the Speedo Patrol!"

I jumped off the limo and landed in front of Babi.

We circled each other. Baboons relied on brutal strength in battle – a skill that could be easily used against them. Babi swiped at me, but he was too late. I'd already scrambled up his chest and head-butted him in the nose. Babi staggered backward as I kept on hitting.

"Don't hurt him!" Sadie yelled. "It's my Gramps in there!"

It's also your life on the line, but okay.

Babi slumped against the railing. He blinked, trying to regain his bearings. Not on my watch. I breathed on him and his knees buckled. His body shimmered and began to shrink. He crumpled on the pavement and melted into a stocky gray-haired pensioner in a tattered cardigan.

"Gramps!" Sadie ran out of the protective circle to us.

"He'll be fine," I promised. Then I turned toward the vulture goddess. "Now it's your turn, Nekhbet. Leave."

"I stole this body fair and square!" she wailed. "I like it in here!"

"You asked for it."

I called this technique: THE MEGA BOO! My head swelled. My jaw unhinged until my mouth was four times too big . My eyes bulged. My hair stuck straight up. I shook my face and roared BOOOO! so loudly, the sound rolled across the Thames like a cannon shot. This blast of pure ugly blew the feathers off Nekhbet's cloak and drained all the color from her face. It ripped away the essence of the goddess like tissue paper in a storm. The only thing left was a dazed old woman in a flower-print dress, squatting on the lamppost.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! I'd spent many a day in front of the mirror to perfect this trick.

The woman fainted and I jumped up to catch her before she could topple into the river. Then I left her next to her husband.

"Thank you," Sadie said and I felt like it was a rarety on her tongue. "Now, will you please put on some clothes?"

And we were back to snarky. I grinned.

"You're all right, Sadie Kane. I see why Bast likes you."

"Sadie?" her grandfather groaned, his eyelids fluttering open.

"I'm here, Gramps. How do you feel?"

"Strange craving for mangoes." He went cross-eyed. "And possibly insects. You... you saved us?"

"Not really. My friend here-"

"Certainly she saved you," I said. "Brave girl you have here. Quite a magician."

His eyes focused on me and he scowled. "Bloody Egyptian gods in their bloody revealing swimwear. This is why we don't do magic."

A loud bang from the barricades took my attention. An assault team was gathering-heavily armored men with rifles and grenade launchers.

"We should go," I said. "The mortals are ready to storm the bridge."

"Liz, Emma!" Sadie called. "Help me with my grandparents."

I shook my head. "They can't come."

"What? But you just said-"

"They're mortals. They don't belong on your quest. If we're going to get the second scroll from Vlad Menshikov, we need to leave now."

"You know about that?"

"Your grandparents and friends are in less danger here." I said.

Sadie's grandpa coughed. "The dwarf is right, Sadie. Go. I'll be tiptop in a moment, though it's a pity that baboon chap couldn't leave me some of his power. Haven't felt that strong in ages."

Sadie looked at her grandparents and friends.

"Sadie, it's fine." Emma adjusted her broken glasses and tried for a smile. "We can handle the police. Won't be the first time we've had to do some quick talking, eh?"

"We'll take care of your gran and gramps," Liz promised.

"Don't need taking care of," The grandpa complained. Then he broke down in a fit of coughing. "Just go, my dear. That baboon god was in my head. I can tell you-he means to destroy you. Finish your quest before he comes after you again. I couldn't even stop him. I couldn't..." He looked resentfully at his shaky old hands. "I never would've forgiven myself. Now, off with you!"

"I'm sorry," Sadie told them all. "I didn't mean-"

"Sorry?" Emma demanded. "Sadie Kane, that was the most brilliant birthday party ever! Now, go!"

The girls hugged and Sadie finally made it into the Mercedes.

We drove away towards the Victoria Embankment.