17.03.2015

Set

Even though I knew what was coming, the pull still made me nauseous.

I hated the ballroom. I hated the coppery geometric designs on the ceiling. I hated the walls, lined with dark green columns and gilded doors. I hated the white and gold inlaid marble, which made a huge octagonal pattern on the floor.

To be fair, the chandelier was cool. But I hated it by extension, all because of the magician in front of me. He stood in a protective circle that pulsed with emerald light.

Hieroglyphs burned around the summoning circle, but there was also the outline of another shape around me. A jar! I may be sweet but I'm not jam!

Well, showtime!

"Hello, Vladimir. Long time."

"Set." Vlad sounded awfully calm "We need to talk."

I sent a lightning against the side of the jar. Instead of breaking, it simply wobbled.

Oh Ra, he'd stuck me in that ugly vase again!

"A malachite vase? Really, Vladimir. I thought we were on friendlier terms than that."

I'd heard a lot of beautiful laughs during my existence. Vladimir was so down the list he had to be added with a sticky note.

"Excellent at constraining evil spirits, isn't it? And this room has more malachite than any other place on earth. Empress Alexandra was quite wise to have it built for her drawing room."

'Evil spirits', yeah right. I never got why people think so of me. I'm not evil, I just routinely commit atrocities.

Even so, Vladimir Menshikov's spirit was probably eviler than me now.

I flicked a sand grain at the invisible wall. "But it smells like old pennies in here, and it's much too cold. I'm a dessert deity, for Ma'at sake!" Was it just me, or did I hear a silent hiss? "Have you ever been stuck in a malachite jar, Vlad? I'm not a genie in a bottle. I'd be so much more talkative if we could sit face-to-face, perhaps over tea."

"I'm afraid not. Now, you'll answer my questions."

"Oh, very well," I said. "I like Brazil for the World Cup. I'd advise investing in platinum and small-cap funds. And your lucky numbers this week are 13, 32, 33-"

"Not those questions!" Volodia snapped. "You will tell me what I need to know or that jar will become even more uncomfortable."

How much I love bluffing! If the Serpent cared about Vladimir enough to actually back him up in a fight, I might have felt threatened. Menshikov's body would be discarded unrecognizable, his soul would burn in agony before Ammit has had the chance to even smell it. In comparison, the way I treated Amos was friendly.

"My dear Vladimir. What you need to know may be very different from what you want to know. Didn't your unfortunate accident teach you that?"

Volodenka touched his sunglasses. Oi, poor baby, did I hit too close to home?

"You will tell me the binding for Apophis," he said in a steely tone. "Then you will tell me how to neutralize the enchantments on Brooklyn House. You know Kane's defenses better than anyone. Once I destroy him, I will have no opposition."

My laugh echoed inside the green vase. Destroy Amos? Yeah, good luck with that.

"So: the binding for Apophis and the secrets of Brooklyn House. Is that all, Vladimir? I wonder what your master Desjardins would think if he found out your real plan, and the sort of friends you keep."

Vladimir snatched up his staff. The carved-serpent tip flared again. "Be careful with your threats, Evil Day."

The jar trembled. Throughout the room, glass cases shivered. The chandelier jangled like a three-ton wind chime.

Damn, for all its faults, the name has an awesome effect on the surroundings! It's fine in Medu Netjer. Right, but then some idiot decided to write it in Greek, then in English. The meaning has really lost in translation. 'Evil Day', it sounds like a stupid capitalist holiday. Oh yeah, I bough this shirt on Black Friday and those boots on Evil Day.

"I really hate that name. Why couldn't it have been Glorious Day? Or the Rockin' Red Reaper? That's rather nice. Bad enough when you were the only one who knew it, Vlad. Now I've got the Kane girl to worry about-"

"Serve us," Vladimir said, "and the Kanes will be destroyed. You will be the honored lieutenant of Apophis. You can raise another temple, even grander than the Red Pyramid."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice… does the shame get transferred again? Either way, we saw how that worked out.

What would Ra say? When he finds out Chaos had gotten so strong because of me? All my life, I'd strived to prove wrong all those who warned Ra to stay away from me. What would he say when he comes back and sees what his lieutenant had become?

What had I become?

"Uh-huh," I said. "Maybe you haven't noticed, but I don't do well with the whole second-in-command concept. As for Apophis, he's not one to suffer other gods getting attention."

"We will free Apophis with or without your help," Vladimir warned. "By the equinox, he will rise. But if you help us make that happen sooner, you will be rewarded. Your other option is execration. Oh, I know it won't destroy you completely, but with your secret name I can send you into the abyss for eons, and it will be very, very painful. I'll give you thirty seconds to decide?"

I almost felt sorry for poor Vovochka. I wondered if he really believed what he was saying. If The Serpent rose, there would be no existence. The world won't just be destroyed like in some low-budget dystopian movie. It never would have existed. The only reward Vladimir could realistically offer was a painless death.

'I can send you into the abyss for eons', but no he couldn't. Because there would be no abyss, no time.

I sighed. "Well, Vladimir, you do know how to make an appealing offer. The binding for Apophis, you say? Yes, I was there when Ra cast the Serpent into that prison of scarabs. I suppose I could remember the ingredients he used for the binding. Quite a day that was! I was wearing red, I think. At the victory feast they served the most delicious honey-baked locusts-"

"You have ten seconds," Vladimir said.

Well, I couldn't leave, Vlad had my name, but I could at least entertain myself.

"Oh, I'll cooperate! I hope you have a pen and paper handy. It's a rather long list of ingredients. Let's see... what did Ra use for a base? Fillet of a fenny snake? Then there was the eye of newt, of course. And then toe of frog, wool of bat, tongue of dog, adder's fork and blind-worm's sting. Lizard's leg and howlet's wing."

I kept on talking, trying my hardest to sound like I'm listing off ingredients, not reciting. I was actually asked by Hathor to play the Second Witch back in, like, 1890 and I did great if I can say so myself.

Hathor was actually quite friendly to me when Horus wasn't around. She was one of the few Sun kids who hadn't forgotten I wasn't all bad. Just mostly unpleasant.

"Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf, witches' mummy, maw and gulf…" Vladimir was bound to figure it out at some point and he wasn't going to be happy. I needed to get out of here. I caught movement in the corner of my eye and the perfect solution presented itself.

Next to the fireplace, surrounded by a dark cloud, were the infamous younglings.

"And a sacrificial victim would be good!" I yelled, so they could hear me across the room. "Maybe a young idiot magician who can't do a proper invisibility spell, like Carter Kane over there!"

Carter froze. Vladimir Menshikov turned.

Half a dozen golden sparks shot up in the air and the cloud of darkness dissolved.

Vladimir stared at them. "My, my... how kind of you to deliver yourselves. Well done, Set."

"Hmm?" I asked innocently. "Do we have visitors?"

"Set!" Sadie growled. "I'll kick you in the ba for that, so help me!"

Hey, hate the game not the player, little one.

I gasped. "Sadie Kane? How exciting! Too bad I'm stuck in this jar and no one will let me out."

She ignored me! The audacity!

Sadie faced Vladimir, her wand and staff ready. "You're working with Apophis. You're on the wrong side."

Vlad removed his glasses. Was that supposed to be some kind of power move? And then they say I'm dramatic.

"The wrong side?" Vlad asked. "Girl, you have no idea the powers that are in play." I wasn't sure Vova had, either, but go off, I guess. "Five thousand years ago, Egyptian priests prophesied how the world would end. Ra would grow old and tired, and Apophis would swallow him and plunge the world into darkness. Chaos would rule forever. Now the time is here! You can't stop it. You can only choose whether you'll be destroyed, or whether you'll bow to the power of Chaos and survive."

"Right," I chimed in. "It's too bad I'm stuck in this jar. Otherwise I might have to take sides and help someone."

"Shut up, Set," Vladimir snapped. "No one is crazy enough to trust you. And as for you, children, you are clearly not the threat I imagined."

Well, damn, Voloduha! And no one was crazy enough to love you but did I say that? No. Because I had ✨class💅.

"Great," Carter said. "So we can go?"

Mood.

Vladimir laughed. "Would you run to Desjardins and tell him what you've heard? He wouldn't believe you. He'd put you on trial, then execute you. But I'll spare you that embarrassment. I'll kill you right now."

"How fun!" I tried to again remind everyone that I was here. "Wish I could see it, but I'm stuck in this jar."

I mean, I could see, the jar was see-through. The younglings didn't need to know that.

Vlad was still inside a protective circle. He threw his staff to the ground, and I heard Carter Kane curse for the first time. Ladies and gentlemen, write this down into the history books, on this day Carter Kane swore!

Menshikov's staff began to writhe and grow. It turned into a very ugly snake. Character design was never really Isis's strong suit, you know?

Instead of a tail, the snake had a head on both ends. It strutted around on four dragon legs. Its body was the size of a draft horse, curved like a U, with mottled red and green scales and a rattlesnake head on either side.

Both heads turned toward Carter and Sadie and hissed.

"I've really had enough snakes for one week," Carter muttered.

Menshikov smiled. "Ah, but serpents are my specialty, Carter Kane!" He touched a silver pendant hanging over his necktie-an amulet shaped like a snake. "And this particular creature is my favorite: the tjesu heru. Two hungry mouths to feed. Two troublesome children. Perfect!"

The Kanes looked at each other.

"Should I?" Sadie asked.

"Do it," Carter agreed.

What were they gonna do? Ooh, I was on the edge of my seat. Some popcorn would have done me good.

The tjesu heru bared its dripping fangs. It bent its heads like a giant horseshoe and charged.

While Carter was pulling his sword, Sadie pointed her staff in my direction. Wait, were they actually going to free me? Good luck Ma'at, your saviors are insane! Golden hieroglyphs for "Ha-di!" glowed in the air and the green jar shattered.

Vovusha screamed, "Net!"

My sandstorm exploded through the room. Hot winds pushed Sadie and Carter against the fireplace. A wall of red sand slammed into the tjesu heru and sent it flying sideways into a malachite column. Vovusha was blasted right out of his protective circle and banged his head on a table. He crumpled to the ground, red sand swirling over him until he was completely buried.

I let the storm clear on its own, grinned and spread my hands in a ta-da gesture. "That's better! Thank you, Sadie Kane!"

To our left, the tjesu heru hissed and flailed, trying to get back on its feet. The pile of red sand covering Vlad Menshikov started to move.

"Do something, Evil Day!" Sadie commanded. "Get rid of them!"

I winced. "No need to get personal with the names."

"Maybe you'd prefer Rockin' Red Reaper?" Carter asked.

I made a picture frame with my fingers. "Yes... that is nice, isn't it?"

Sure, it didn't describe my very existence. But neither did Evil Day! C'mon, it was a translation mistake!

The kids were starring at something to the left. I turned around.

The tjesu heru staggered to its feet and shook both its heads.

"It has beautiful coloration, doesn't it?" I asked. "A gorgeous specimen."

"Just kill it!" Carter yelled.

I gasped theatrically. "Oh, I couldn't do that! I'm much too fond of snakes. Besides, GETM would have my hide."

"Get 'em?" Carter asked.

"Gods for the Ethical Treatment of Monsters."

"You're making that up!"

I love irony. C'mon little Horus, face your mother's creation. She was so proud of herself the day she invented it.

I grinned. "Still... I'm afraid you'll have to deal with the tjesu heru on your own."

The snake hissed.

The pile of red sand shifted. Vladimir's dazed face rose from the top. I snapped my fingers, and a large ceramic pot appeared in the air, shattering on his head. He slipped back into the sand.

"I'll stay here and entertain Vladimir," I said.

"Can't you execrate him, or something?" Sadie demanded.

"Oh, I wish! Unfortunately, I'm rather limited when someone holds my secret name, especially when they've given me specific orders not to kill them." I stared at her but she just shrugged. "At any rate, I may be able to buy you a few minutes, but Vlad is going to be quite mad when he comes around, so I'd hurry, if I were you. Good luck surviving! And good luck eating them, tjesu heru!"

As if on cue, the tjesu heru lunged. Sadie and Carter sprinted for the nearest door.

I turned back to the pile of red sand. "Ay, Volodusha. Do you by any chance have popcorn lying around? No?" Another vase smashed on his head. "Pity."