18.03.2015

01:30 am

Jaz Anderson

My breath caught when Sadie entered the room. I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was – the overwhelming smell of vanilla from the candles. The way the orange light cast shadows over her eyes. The way her curls fell in front of her face when her gaze floated from my sleeping body to my ren.

"Jaz…" The way she said my name. It made my heart skip a beat. "Are you…"

Smile and focus, Jaz. Smile and focus.

"Dead? No, Sadie. This is my ren."

My transparent body flickered. Sadie moved to look closer. I had to fight the urge to close my eyes as she examined my soul. Pictured appeared and flowed each into the next, little me slowly turning into present me.

Sadie went quiet and I searched her face with fear, looking for her reaction to my old, my stupid, my happy, my hurt, my ugly. Finally, she looked up and our eyes met. I saw the rawest essence of myself reflected back on her irises.

"Your ren," she whispered. "Another part of your soul?"

I nodded. "Egyptians believed there were five different parts of the soul. The ba is the personality. The ren is-"

"Your name. But how can that be your name?"

"My name is my identity. The sum of my experiences. As long as my name is remembered, I still exist, even if I die. Do you understand?"

Something flickered across Sadie's face. She frowned, as if trying to be frustrated, but instead tears started running down her face.

Her mother's words rang in my ears. If this was our goodbye, what can I say to move on peacefully?

"Sadie, don't be sorry. I'm glad you've come."

"But-"

"Everything happens for us, Sadie, not to us. Even bad things."

"That's not true!" She yelled. The candles closes to us flickered, the flames moving with her anger. "It's bloody unfair! No reason is worth all this! Life is random. It's harsh. It's-it's-"

I'd started smiling without realizing it. Sadie's eyebrows moved almost as if to point accusingly at me.

"Oh," she said. "You wanted to make me mad, didn't you?"

"That's the Sadie we all love. Your emotions, your grief, are to be honored. But you do better when you're angry."

"Humph. So why did you bring me here?"

"Two thing. First, you're not dead. When you wake up, you'll only have a few minutes to heal Carter. You'll have to act quickly."

"Using the wax statue. Yes, I figured that out. But I don't know how. I'm no good at healing."

Yet Sadie made Walt's steps quicker, my heart lighter. Not all healers deal with colds and broken bones.

"There is only one more ingredient that matters." I said. "You know what it is."

"But I don't!"

I raised an eyebrow. "You're so close to understanding, Sadie. Think about Isis. Think about how you channeled her power in St. Petersburg. The answer will come to you."

"But-"

"We must hurry. The second thing: you're going to need Walt's help. I know it's risky. I know Bes warned against it. But use the amulet to call Walt back to you. It's what he wants. Some risks are worth taking, even if it means losing a life."

"Losing whose life? His?"

I am so sorry, Sadie. The words caught in my throat and never came out. All both of us can wish for is your happiness. We hope you find it, even if it will have to be without us.

There were so many more things I wanted to share. So many more sentences threatening to choke me.

But Sadie's image began to blur and disappear.

"Think about Isis," I repeated. "And Sadie... there is a purpose. You taught us that. We choose to believe in Ma'at. We create order out of chaos, beauty and meaning out of ugly randomness. That's what Egypt is all about. That's why its name, its ren, has endured for millennia. Don't despair. Otherwise Chaos wins."

"I'll let you in on a secret," she said. "I'm a rubbish teacher."

My eyes were filling with tears, but I kept the shaking out of my voice. "I'll let you in on a secret. You were an excellent teacher. Now, visit Isis, and see how it began."

Sadie turned into mist and dissolved into the air. I looked at my flickering arm. Images of Sadie greeting me at the door. Walt inviting me to sit next to him at breakfast. Cleo helping me find a scroll I need. Carter excited pride when I showed him a new healing spell during a lesson. Late night dancing with Ayanna. Julian trying to jump scare me at the bottom of the stairs and Alyssa chasing him through the Great Room, laughs echoing through the vast mansion.

I'll miss those weirdos. They'd healed me more than I could ever heal them. And at the end, all any of us have left from the past are memories. And we remember.