TRIGGER WARNING!: THE BEGINNING OF THE CHAPTER INCLUDES A DESCRIPTION OF AN AUTISTIC MELTDOWN WITH ONE LINE ABOUT HEAD-HITTING. IT'S NOT GRAPHIC AND IT'S NOT LONG, BUT I STILL WANTED TO MENTION IT BEFOREHAND.

The Long Awaited Meltdown

18.03.2015, 9:30am

Brooklyn House

Ayanna Kane

Books, riddles, scrolls. I couldn't concentrate on anything. Not even Terry Pratchett seemed to help, which was unheard of. The sounds were way too loud, the lightning way too harsh. Every time Dad turned another page of his notebook, the sound made me want to tear it to shreds and set the entire Library on fire. I had been doom scrolling through Musically and hoping the rising rage would go away for almost an hour, when I finally connected the dots.

To be fair, it had been a long time coming. But gods, I couldn't lose it in front of Dad right now. He had to concentrate on all the work in the Nome, not on my brain malfunctioning. I contemplated clenching my teeth and pushing the bubble of emotions down, but that would mean going into a shutdown and being completely useless for days, and that train of thought was now making me anxious, which made me even more frustrated at my brain for being so fucking stupid and-

I removed all the rings from fingers and put them away in my pocket. They felt weird on my skin. My skin felt weird on my bones. Was there a way I could take it off, too? Shaking my hand seemed to be the closest I could get.

I scanned the Library and ended up, thankfully, locking eyes with Walt, who was returning some scrolls at that moment. I hoped he can read in my eyes that I needed to leave, and I needed to leave now.

He nodded, thought for a moment, and, in full urgency mode, bee-lined for Dad.

"Can I steel her?"

Dad raised an eyebrow. "What for?"

"I need help cleaning up after Felix again."

"Really?" Dad side-eyed me and sighed. "Alright, go."

I led Walt away, basically sprinting up the stairs.

"Roof?" Walt asked.

I shook my head.

"Greenhouse. The Creature creeps me out."

Walt tilted his head. "The griffin? Freak?"

"Yup. I think it doesn't like me."

"I think you're overreacting. He seems friendly enough."

"Griffins are not my thing, Walt!" I snapped. When I calmed down, I would hate myself for it, for yelling, for having no control over who my brain takes its frustration out on.

I expected Walt to just turn around and leave me, but he just lifted his hands in defense. We reached the roof and I shuddered as we passed the creature, like a dog shaking the water off its fur. Afterwards it was impossible to keep away the feeling of wrongness in my bones. I squeezed the muscle on my arm as hard as possible, bringing my arm close to my body.

I opened the door to the Greenhouse and ran to one of the back rows, more so fell rather than sat on the floor.

My nails dug into my scalp and I had to fight the urge to rip my hair off as I screamed and screamed as loud as possible until the screaming turned into hyperventilating, turned into silent crying.

It was all too much. I couldn't take anything more, no information, no emotion, no sound, no sight, no smell. The world felt wrong. If I could just turn it all off. It was my brain's fault. I was so frustrated with it! If I could just reach in and physically squeeze it, I just knew that would fix it but why the fuck could I not just open my scull and fix it!

I hadn't realized I was hitting my head with the bottom inside of my fist, until I felt someone gently wrap their hand around my wrist.

I looked up to see Walt kneeling beside me.

"Leave!" I screamed but didn't move away.

Instead of listening, he pulled my palm open and whispered "Your nails were close to drawing blood."

I shook my free hand in the air, letting the repetitive motion calm me down enough to think a bit more clearly.

Unfortunately, that meant becoming aware of the dull pain in my scull, the tears running down my face, that mixed just perfectly with the exhaustion, that usually followed a meltdown.

I'd already embarrassed myself anyways, so I just let my hands shake away for a couple more minutes. After a deep sigh to reset my breathing, I nodded slightly. "Okay, that's done."

"Ayanna, are you okay?"

Walt looked so worried, I guessed I owed him an explanation.

"I, umm." I sighed. "Sometimes when I get overwhelmed my brain just… everything just becomes too much. I'm okay now."

His eyebrows furrowed. "Is there anything that can be done to stop this or…?"

I shook my head and smiled faintly. "Nope. Comes with the territory. It's an autism thing, so, staying for life."

Me and Walt had a great friendship. My heart ached thinking about the look people usually gave me when they found out. The way I could just tell from that point onwards that they did not see me as human, as an equal. Not a friend, but a pet or a toddler they could parade around for morality points.

I saw none of that in Walt's reaction. Maybe a bit of confusion as the statement sunk in. Then he nodded.

"Yeah, makes sense."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Aya, you threw a spoon at me once because I ate the last donut and you were thinking of eating a donut for breakfast, and then proceeded to stay hungry till dinner."

"I'm sorry, I was prepared to eat a donut that day!? There was no donut when I got to the kitchen, my day was ruined!"

"And you couldn't just eat something else?"

"No? I was not mentally prepared to eat something else? Plus, that donut was a part of my morning plan and I would rather starve than change my plan."

"Point proven."

I laughed and went to wipe my eyes. "Okay, maybe I wasn't hiding it as well as I thought I was."

Walt laughed back.

"You know, I could have sworn I had spotted some ADHD in this family, too."

"Good spot. Me and Sadie."

He punched the air. "I knew it!"

And, just like that, I could breathe again. We were good, he was okay with me, I was going to be okay. Loosing another friend would have been my last drop.

"Thank you."

"What for?"

"Not treating me any differently now that you know."

Walt snorted. "Oh, you mean not being ableist? Well that would just be hypocritical of me."

It was my turn to be confused.

"What do you mean?"

He coughed nervously. "It's, uh, long story."

"We have some time."

Walt seemed to weight his options for a moment, then nodded. "Alright. How much do you remember about Akhenaton?"

Walt took a look around.

"You know, I don't think I've ever actually walked in here."

I smiled. It was hard finding out that one of your closest friends was actively dying, but he didn't need my pity. I understood why he hadn't told anyone, besides Jaz and now me. His entire life had been spent managing other people's grief, he deserved those next few months to be fun.

"Well, let me give you a tour. Dad build the Greenhouse secretly after the House cut off his magical supplies years ago."

The Greenhouse took up half of the roof space. The tall dome, incrusted with small transparent birds and insects, was made of bright yellow glass, bathing the entire greenhouse in a warm sunny glow. The warm air was a nice change to Brooklyn's March cloudiness.

"The first couple of rows are the smaller herbs, pots and what not. Then there are the grasses, then the pond with the water-loving species, some trees, don't ask how they fit here, magic and watch the path, if you step on something I will kill you, dismember you, freeze you and move past my beef with the Griffin so I can personally feed you to it part by part."

"Are those seashells in the tiles?"

I looked down. On some of the tiles, seashells were cemented into different patterns.

I nodded. "It's hard to spot the pattern from the ground, but from above they form the outlines of my name."

Walt smiled sadly.

"What?"

"Nothing, it's just… No, forget it."

"Bruh, come on! You can't start a sentence like that and just brush it off!"

He shook his head. "You know what, fuck it."

"You just told me you're dying, what could be worse?"

Walt sighed, a quiet 'here goes nothing' practically shining in the air. "Not worse, just more personal."

"More personal than death?"

"See, that one I've been having conversations about since I was five. No one is more talkative than terminal kids having a sleepover."

"Fair enough."

"It's just, my dad died before I could make any real memories with him. You know, back when I was a baby. And you seem to be Amos' entire world. Sometimes it's hard to watch."

My heart sank. "Oh my god, Walt. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, really. I don't actually remember him. I more so miss the hypotheticals, I guess? I know he loves me, it sucks I'll never get to feel it. I used to feel really guilty for this when I was younger, but sometimes I actually wished my mother would get remarried so I can experience those small moments of having a father."

"We can always share mine, you know. He likes you anyways."

Stupid comment, I'll own up to it. But, hey, I'm autistic, I come preprogrammed with inappropriate ways of handling emotional situations.

Walt actually laughed. "I think Amos already has enough on his plate."

I sighed. "You have no idea."

His eyebrows furrowed. "So do you, right?"

"Hm?"

"That's what triggered the meltdown? You're overwhelmed."

I sighed. "It's just… a lot." I waved my hands around. "And it's all fallen on me."

"Alright then, what else do you have to get done today?"

My eyes widened. "You're helping?"

I have never received a more 'DUH' look in my life.

"First of all, I told you I want to feel useful for once in my fucking life. Second of all, I don't know of anyone here who wouldn't help you. You're, like, the Nome's little sister, Aya." I rolled my eyes and Walt clicked his tongue. "No, I'm serious."

"You can't talk on behalf of the Nome."

"What if they elect me as a spokesperson?"

"You'd have to run against Khufu."

"Oof, tough competition. Alright, maybe not the Nome's yet, we'll have to have a vote later but – Don't roll your eyes, I'm being serious here-"

"For the first time in your life."

"But you are like mine. You make everyone feel included the moment they step through the mansion's door. You make this Nome feel like a Home. You always think about everyone else first, you're always finding way to be there for everyone."

"I-" I took a deep breath before my voice cracks. "I have to. Someone has to take care of the Nome, and Jazz, and Dad and-"

"And you. You saved my life not even a full day ago and then you immediately jumped into battle plans with Cleo." He searched my face. "Have you even slept?"

I could feel my eyes starting to water and tried to swallow it all down. I couldn't.

My entire life, the only person I ever felt safe around, the only person I could talk to and be vulnerable around, was my dad. In those three months, I'd lost my entire emotional support. How could I lean on him and demand his comfort when he so desperately needed mine? How could I dare worry him even more when he already has so much going on? How could I bare to be a dead-weight, when he had finally found a lifeboat? How would I sleep, if I am the reason my worst nightmare comes true? If I lose him, because I need him?

So I'd been left alone. Turning to my mom was out of the picture, she'd take me right back home if she knew what was going on here. We'd never really been that close anyways. She was a Scorpio that liked to twist my words and I was an Aries that was always way too blunt.

And Carter and Sadie, well, in a way they made it worse. Sometimes they would get together in their own little bubble, leaving me on the outside. I couldn't even be angry with them, because I knew they would never purposefully make me feel isolated. And yet. They were the Kane Siblings. I kinda felt like an afterthought.

I couldn't even be upset in my own mind without my brain throwing a "But at least your dad is still alive". My own head was no longer a judgment free zone. In comparison with my cousins, my problems were nothing. My pain was nothing. Then why did it still hurt?

Maybe because they had each other. I was alone.

So when Walt gave me a glimmer of hope, the possibility of a moment to let go and lean on somebody, it was too much. What struck me the most was the realization that, this wasn't the first time Walt had tried to offer me support. But my dumb ass hadn't noticed.

He'd been there with me after the end of each of dad's small mid-therapy visits.

He'd spent time with me when Carter and Sadie would close off on themselves.

He followed me into the Greenhouse and helped me through a meltdown.

He had noticed.

And he had offered a part of him back.

Walt Stone was always ready to help. I was so caught up in not wanting to bother anyone, that I hadn't noticed he actually wanted me to.

I didn't realize I was crying until his arms were around me.

"I've got you. It's okay, I've got you."

I tightened my grip on him. "You have no idea how much I've needed that."

"Believe it or not, me too."

He was offering to share my weight. I knew that with the same sureness, with which I knew I would bear his.

A very stupid idea ran through my head. I pulled away and put out my pinky.

"How about a deal? We both need support, right? And I know there's something you're still holding back."

Walt raised an eyebrow. "So?"

"So, if you tell me what's going on with you, Mr. Scrolls on Anubis are missing from the Library, then I'll tell you the huge thing that has been weighing on me today. And we can lean on each other."

The color drained from his face for a moment.

"You noticed...?"

I shrugged. "That there was an empty space on one of the shelves, all other works around it are on Anubis. Thanks for confirming though."

He shook his head and looked up at the dome.

"You're right. We both need somebody."

Then he wrapped his pinky around mine.

AN2: This was originally written two years ago (as were half of the following chapters), which is insane to me. I may or may not have graduated high school in the meantime? Also got my official Autism and ADHD diagnosis, came out as a lesbian, and started practicing Balkan folk magic mixed in with deity worship. Let's hope I finish this mf before I become the rich aunty that appears once a year with presents, spoils the kids and leaves.

Also, for anybody who is thinking of working with Set: in the time span of a week, I lost my phone in a different city after appearing on national tv, met the mayor, got a piercing infection because of which I ended up finding my new aesthetic and had to fix my phone's charger (someone found the phone and sent it back SEVERAL DAYS LATER) with a hot glue gun. And I'm not even mad about any of it.