HAYMITCH POV
"Haymitch!" I heard Cassie's voice call out to me. I slowly got up from my hiding place and waved my hands at her to come closer. "Why are we doing hiding here ?" she whispered. With my finger I pointed to my prey; a pair of rabbits. "Did you use the traps I showed you?" I nodded. The anxiety of being able to catch that feast had me on the verge of jumping on them myself. In my home we hadn't eaten meat for two weeks and it had been one week since we'd had only herb broth to eat. It didn't bother me so much just to eat that, but the disgusted faces my younger brother was making gave me the motivation to get off my ass and try to catch something. Fuck, the damn rabbits were going in the opposite direction. In a rush I ran after them with a knife in hand. "Haymitch ain't worth it!" Damn, the bastards were agile, and I didn't dare go too far from the wire fence, there might be more dangerous animals. "Are you all right?"
"That's the second time I've lost my prey today" I complained.
"Never mind, tomorrow as soon as the circus is over we'll go hunting, what do you think?" Cassie tried to appease my wounded ego.
"Whatever" I shrugged "I hope these two damn years go by fast so I can work".
"So you are in a hurry to go and serve as a slave in the mines?"
"No, but it would be nice not to be a burden."
"But if you're not, you work at what you can, stop moping, will you?" She spread kisses all over my face until she managed to get a smile out of me.
"alright you win!" I feigned exasperation; she just laughed. "How did you find me?"
"your mom told me and asked me to bring you back, you know she doesn't like you coming to the woods, a peacekeeper might catch you" my kind mother was someone afraid of the law and the possible punishments from the capitol but she was more afraid of me coming to the woods and getting eaten by a bear. At the end of the day I would rather die here for an animal and not work for the damn capitol. It wasn't very usual for me to come to the woods anyway, I wasn't an expert hunter, what I caught was more by luck. Most of the time in town they gave me a little work helping them repair things in their houses and with what I earned I helped my mum buy food.
"They don't care much"
"That's what I told your mom, but I still promised to bring you back, so let's go!"
"not before I can do this" I kissed her. I adored her, she was the most beautiful girl in this whole damn place. She was tall with tousled curly black hair, olive skin and the most beautiful grey eyes. Cassie and I had been dating for two years now, she was the person I loved the most apart from my family. Kissing her and being alone together was a rare thing we could do, so I took advantage of this moment.
"I didn't know you had missed me so much since yesterday" she giggled.
"If I could, I would spend every minute of the day with you".
"Well since we are here and there is no one around, maybe I can give you many minutes with me" she said looking at me mischievously before kissing me. It didn't take long before the clothes started to come off and we ended up making love. I was about to come when Cassie roughly pushed me away, "No Haymitch!" she shouted with bated breath.
"Fuck!" I moaned as I finished with my hand.
"Don't look at me like that," she demanded.
"Like what?
"reproachfully. We've already talked about it, I don't want children"
"Neither am I Cassie, I'm not reproaching you anything". We got dressed in silence, each of us annoyed with the other. I was acting like an idiot and I knew it, "I'm sorry, don't be mad at me".
"I'm not, it's just so frustrating to live like this" oppressed and in constant fear of being killed.
"I know, if things would change in this place, everything would be so different."
"I wish I could go beyond what my eyes can see, one day we could just keep going Haymitch, run and not look back" I looked at her seriously. I couldn't run away and leave my family, and running away with them would be even worse without knowing if I could protect them. "You're thinking I'm evil for wanting to go and leave them all, aren't you?" she asked with sadness in her voice.
"Of course not! Sometimes I think that too" I lied.
"I'm sure there is something beyond the end of this forest, if only I could go and see it for myself. Have you ever dreamed of being free, Haymitch? if only there were no more fucking games or the capitol?"
"I guess we could have kids without worrying about watching them die." Whenever we were alone, Cassie always used to rant and rave about our entire existence and thus curse our government over and over again.
"Haymitch, even if the games were to cease to exist this instant or even if we never had to worry about putting food on the table, I'm never ever going to have kids, I don't want them."
"I didn't know you had such an aversion to children."
"oh don't say that, I don't hate them, but I already raised 3 kids, I already fulfilled my role as a mother for this life" she sighed dreamy minded "If I could choose, I would choose to live, to explore, to see what's in the south, north, east and west of this world. I don't want to spend my life wiping asses" I understood what Cassie was referring to, her mother died giving birth to her younger brother and her father had to work in the mines, so she was left as the person responsible for everyone at only 7 years old, she had to grow up at a very young age. I could only imagine how hard it must have been, I had lost my father only a year and a half ago, it had been the hardest blow to my family, but nevertheless my mother never allowed me to take his place and help her with the expenses or my brother.
"I guess you're right" I wasn't sure I agreed with her on everything, I had never seriously considered the idea of being a parent, I knew that as long as the games and all the extreme poverty existed, I would never want to bring a child into this misery but if everything changed I could only imagine with Cassie being parents. "Well, I think we agree that things are not going to change and there are no children in our future, now maybe we can go back" I joked. I walked Cassie to her house and then headed back to mine. I felt defeated, I was coming up empty handed once again.
"Haymitch you're home!" my mother rushed into my arms. She always had this habit of greeting me and my brother, with an excitement as if she hadn't seen us in months instead of a couple of hours. My mother was a beautiful woman even though my father's death had given her a few years and a few white hairs. She and my brother shared the same shade of hazel grey eyes, my father and I were dark grey but what made her beautiful was that kind expression on her.
"I told you I would be okay, mom."
"I know, but you know I don't like it, it's dangerous and you don't have to do it. I'm the adult in this house".
"Yeah, but a little help wouldn't hurt, plus I hate to feel like a burden."
"But you're not, you're my big baby" she giggled and I rolled my eyes. How I hated it when she treated me like a baby. "Well now that you're here I'll serve dinner."
As soon as we sat down at the table and Laith saw our food, he couldn't hide his face of disgust and disappointment; herb soup again. Out of the corner of my eye I saw my mother's teary eyes. I knew how frustrating it was for her not to be able to give us something better. But these last few weeks work has been scarce in this place.
"This is so good, mom. I was starving out there and I was just dreaming about this" I continued to eat more heartily, she barely half smiled.
"It will only be for a couple more days, Laith. The lady at the apothecary's has asked me to come by and wash at least two sacks of clothes for her, with that money I'll buy more stuff or even some meat" she said hopefully. My brother just shrugged, I kicked him under the table to get him to answer her properly.
"Don't worry, mom. I like this soup too" dear lord! This child have to learn to lie better.
"Can I help you wash the sacks of clothes?"
"Haymitch, I told you that's not your responsibility. You just worry about school."
"Why? Is that going to help me have a better future?" I laughed "Come on, Mom, I can help you so you don't have to work so hard and maybe you can reward me with what's left over, I could buy something for Cassie at the candy store" I felt the blush on my cheeks, my mother looked at me tenderly.
"OK, but you'll only help me with what I ask you to do, you won't do the work for me, understood?" I nodded, what a stubborn woman!
"I heard that a senior boy has more than 50 tesserae!" interrupted Laith, interrupting all the good humor that remained at the table. This year they had announced that twice as many tributes would be reaped as a celebration of the 50th anniversary of the games. I had 10 tesserae, which wasn't much compared to other kids in the Seam. Cassie had 38 tesserae against her, she was the one I was most worried about.
"Let's hope that some miracle happens and those games don't take place! I don't want to talk about it here anymore!" This was my parents' worst fear. They did everything they could so that my name would be as little as possible in the draw, I only started asking for tesserae when my dad died. "You guys better go get some rest" Mum ordered us. I knew she wanted a moment alone to unburden herself, the anguish of tomorrow was not going to let her sleep.
"Don't worry about me, nothing bad is going to happen to me, I promise" I said, hugging her and giving her a kiss before getting ready for bed.
Reaping morning came in the blink of an eye. I got ready like every fucking year on this day, I showered and put on my best clothes. None of this made any sense, it was like putting make-up on a pig before taking it to the slaughterhouse, but my mother always insisted on it; it was lucky that Laith was only 11 years old. Next year he would have to prepare himself as well as me, but I would make sure that his name did not appear more often than necessary.
Once I arrived at the town square with my family, I broke away from them to look for Cassie before I had to line up with the other kids my age. After five minutes I finally saw her arrive. I burst out laughing as soon as I saw her. She was covered from head to toe in what looked like mud. She came walking with her head held high towards me, everyone around her was standing back so as not to get dirty. Seeing her walk so proudly gave her an air of wild fierceness.
"So that's the new fashion among girls?"
"you like it" she turned in on herself "if they think I'm going to lend myself to their games they're wrong, they see us as savages, well here's a wild one."
"Cassie, be careful someone might hear you" I warned her. It was true that they pick us in a lottery but at any moment they could cheat that and get rid of any boy they considered troublesome.
"Don't be afraid Haymitch, sooner or later we're going to die anyway" she sighed angrily "well I'll go form up with the rest of the cattle, when this is over I'll see you" I let her go without further ado. I understood why she was angrier than usual, her chances were high today and with twice as many tributes being chosen this time, that could scare anyone even if she didn't want to admit it.
As usual they started with the girls. Nadine Gerson and Maysilee Donner were chosen. The first was a girl only 14 years old from the Seam and the second to my surprise and horror was a girl from the merchant class who studied with me; every chance she got she gave sweets to children from the Seam, including my brother. How many times her name was in the draw 5 or 6 at the most? and yet she was chosen. To my shame I felt my body relax. Cassie was safe, we just had to survive two more years of this and the games would be a thing of the past.
"Haymitch Abernathy" I heard my name being called by the capitol escort. I turned around looking for Cassie's gaze. Fear was the only thing I saw in her eyes. With parsimony and a calmness rare to me, I approached the stage next to my slaughterer's fellows. None of them cried. We were just too stunned to show any other reaction. Once the protocols were over, we were each directed to a room so that we could say goodbye to our family.
"Haymitch!" my mother came in crying, throwing herself into my arms.
"shh it's going to be ok, mom. Don't cry" I tried to calm her down
"you're going to die, aren't you? just like daddy" Laith sobbed from a far corner of the room.
"kiddo, come here" he reluctantly approached "I don't want you to cry, do you understand? You'll be the man of the house now and you can't be weak. You're going to have to help mum where you can and no pouting with the food, be thankful you can eat something, it could be worse, do you hear me?"
"Don't go, Mitch," he cried, hugging me. I didn't know how long I was going to hold out before I collapsed with them. The three of us stood there hugging each other with nothing more to say. The door burst open startling the three of us. It was Cassie. She looked at all of us, the scene must have been pretty depressing to watch. My mother took my brother's arm and walked away a little to give us time to say goodbye.
"I think I should have gone with your fashion choice today. At least it would have given them something to talk about" I tried to joke but she just walked up to me looking me in the eyes.
"I'm not going to cry because this is just a see you soon not a goodbye, do you understand me Haymitch?" her voice was infused with desperation.
"Cassie, you know how this ends and now it's with twice as many people..."
"It doesn't matter if it's 47 or 100. You just have to beat one and outsmart all those ridiculous people, convince them that you're the best and they won't let you die, they're morons you can easily bamboozle"
"Cassie, stop it! They could be listening, and get Haymitch in trouble!" my mother scolded her.
"And what are they going to do, kill him? I think they're already going to do it," she replied and Laith started crying and I went over to him to comfort him.
"Cassie don't make this any harder" I pleaded her
"Then promise me. Promise Laith that you'll come back" she asked.
"I fucking can't!"
"Haymitch, promise you will do whatever it takes to come back" she ordered me with tears in his eyes.
"Cassie, stop it, please don't make it harder for him," my mother tried to reason, crying. I leaned down and looking straight into my brother's eyes, I promised him.
"I will come back Laith, I won't die like daddy, I promise" I kissed his forehead and stood up. I pulled my mother into my arms and hugged her as tight as I could. I wasn't sure I could keep my promise but I didn't want them to see me scared or sad, I wanted them to hold out hope for as long as it lasted. The Peacekeepers came in at that moment to get my family out. Time was up.
"I love you Haymitch" Cassie kissed me before one of the guards started dragging her out of the room "don't forget what I told you. you can win this, I'll be waiting for you" tears rolled down her muddy face. And just like that, I was left alone in the room.
xxxx
When I got off the train I looked around for my family and there in the distance in the crowd was my mother, holding hands with my brother. The expressions on their faces didn't match, while my brother jumped a little in his place with excitement, my mother looked at me with deep sadness, and right there I felt my heart sink.
"Haymitch!" Cassie shouted. Pushing past all the photographers she pushed her way into my arms. I hugged her as if my life depended on it. I sank my face into her wild hair and became intoxicated with her perfume. She pulled me back a little, with a radiant smile and looking me straight in the eyes she said "I'm so proud of you, my love" proud of me? why? I was a murderer. We continued on our way holding hands until I was finally in front of my mom and brother.
"Haymitch you're back, you kept your promise" my brother's excitement was evident. He jumped into my arms and I let out a hiss of pain, even the wound in my belly hadn't healed completely.
"Careful Laith, your brother is still hurt," my mother scolded him. She was not thrilled to see me, she approached me and carefully hugged me and placed a kiss on my cheek, without saying a word. I knew what she was thinking, I could see in her eyes how she disowned me for what I had done.
The entire team that had accompanied me from the capitol followed us to the victors' village. Their assigned representative led me to my new home. I was surprised to see that the size of the place was ten times bigger than my old home. Everything was decorated in the exquisite taste of the capitol.
Once the communications team had taken their photos and interviews, I was finally left alone. We stood in the big house with my mother, brother and Cassie, not quite knowing what to do or say. The only one who seemed oblivious to the uncomfortable atmosphere of the place was my brother. Laith ran off to the first floor to explore the whole place, I could only hear his exclamations of surprise and delight at every new thing he found. We just followed him through the house. This place was strange and for some reason I wanted to go back to my home in the Seam; I didn't want to stay here.
"Can I have my own room, Mitch?"
"Any room you want, buddy."
"I want the big one."
"Laith! don't be a freeloader, this is your brother's house and he should have that room."
"Leave it, mum. I don't care" I shrugged. At least someone seemed happy at this point. "You can pick whatever room you want too."
"I think I'll go get a drink. You choose first, then I'll choose" mum said with a half smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.
My mother disowns me, I knew it! All this time she barely held my gaze. I never thought something like this could happen. Maybe if I explained to her how sorry I was for everything that happened in the arena, if I told her how Maysilee's death haunted my nights, maybe if I confessed that even though I had left the arena a month ago I still really felt in it, maybe she would forgive me.
As soon as evening came I asked Cassie to stay with me, I didn't want to put up with my mother's silence or Laith's over-excitement any longer. Cassie always understood me, she would understand me. We were lying on my bed, Cassie was telling me everything that happened in my absence.
"Cassie" I interrupted her "come and live with me".
"You know I can't, we're not married and what would my dad say? besides I can't just leave him and my brothers to their fate" she laughed.
"marry me then and bring them to live here. There's enough room for all of them, you wouldn't have to worry about getting food and he wouldn't have to worry about working".
"Haymitch, no. I don't want to get married."
"Why not?" I felt a pang of pain at her rejection. Was she seeing me for the monster I really was?
"Because I don't need those things, everyone gets married here to get a house and you already have yours and I have mine; and also because I don't want to be part of the capitol's statistics, you are now free and I don't want to belong to them, do you understand what I mean?" I nodded
"Maybe in the future you will change your mind, and my offer will still stand, you know?" she laughed even more.
"I know."
She came up to kiss me, I felt her hands touching my skin, her lips left my lips and moved down my jaw, everything was spinning in my head, and when I pulled away from her to take a breath, Cassie wasn't with me. It was Maysilee's bloody face. I startled and blinked again, Cassie was looking at me in bewilderment.
"What's wrong Haymitch? Don't you want to...?"
"I'm sorry, honey, I'm still really tired, it's been a long day and I'm still not feeling well."
"Oh Haymitch, how thoughtless I've been" she moaned "how could I forget your injury? forgive me I'm such a fool"
"don't say that, Cassie, don't even think about it, tomorrow I'll be better, I just need to rest" I kissed her. "Come, lie down next to me" she obeyed curling up next to me. Quickly she fell into a pleasantly deep rest, I tried to rest but it was impossible. Every time I closed my eyes I could only see the faces of the dead tributes. Exasperated from trying to sleep I decided to leave her sleeping peacefully and went down to the kitchen. I was surprised to see the lights on and my mother awake staring absently out the window. After a few minutes she noticed my presence.
"You can't sleep either? Do you want me to make you some tea or hot milk?"
"Just say it. You don't have to lie to me."
"What are you talking about, Haymitch?"
"That you hate me for what I did in the games, I'm not the same to you anymore. You can barely hold my gaze. Just say it" I asked, holding back my anger.
"Haymitch, how can you think that? I...I feel so guilty" her eyes filled with tears "I failed you."
"But what are you saying?"
"Haymitch, I failed to protect you! I'm your mother, I'm the one who was supposed to protect you from everything and yet those monsters took you away from me and I...I just stood by and watched not knowing if the next minute you'd be dead! If your father was still here...maybe "tears rolled down her cheeks. I approached her slowly, still scared of being rejected but she just pulled me into her arms and I felt the tears invade my eyes "If you hadn't had to ask for tesserae your name wouldn't have come out...I failed your father and I failed you...you are my baby and I couldn't protect you. I am ashamed to look into your eyes, and know that I was responsible for you being in that arena. Every night I went to bed thinking I would never see you again" she sobbed "Listen to me, Haymitch, don't ever again think of yourself as less of a person because of what you were made to do. You're not a murderer, you're my sweet boy, never forget that."
"Nothing was your fault, mom. Don't cry for me, I'm fine," I tried to reassure her.
"You are? Haymitch, I'm your mum, you don't have to lie to me to protect me, that's supposed to be my job" she said, caressing my cheeks.
"I'd rather not talk about it.
"You don't have to struggle on your own, you know? no matter what happens I will always be by your side, my sweet boy" As much as I wanted to speak the words got stuck in my throat. I couldn't put this burden I was carrying on my mother's shoulders, she felt bad enough as it was.
"Maybe some warm milk wouldn't hurt" I tried to lighten the conversation. She gave me one last sad smile and headed for the fridge.
"I think the thing that has surprised me most about this house is the amount of food there is. I don't think I've ever had so much food in my life, even in the time of plenty," she said absently.
We stayed up all night, remembering the past. That was a safe subject. Neither of us dared to talk about the games anymore. My mother avoided it because she didn't want to hurt me, and I avoided it because I didn't want to relive the horrors I had lived through. Early in the morning Laith was the first to wake up, still ecstatic with everything around him, he asked my mum for the biggest and most senseless breakfast he had ever eaten. I didn't blame him, I too at the capitol gorged myself on every single thing they put on my plate.
"Good morning!" said Cassie walking into the kitchen "You're up early, I didn't realize what time you left" she kissed me on the cheek.
"I didn't mean to wake you up so early" I lied.
"Do you want some breakfast?" my mum offered.
"mm, the same as Laith, please. It looks pretty good" I laughed. At least something good had come out of all this, neither my family nor Cassie and her family would ever go hungry again. She stopped eating and looked carefully at the toast with jam in her hand, "These assholes sure do eat well. This stuff would cost us more than a week's work, whereas they can afford it all the time."
"Cassie, watch your language!" my mother scold her
"It's true! Come on Haymitch tell us, I bet you were disgusted by all of them with their outlandish outfits and horrible accents."
"They weren't all bad," I whispered. It was true, the avox were nice and the prep team were weird but I wouldn't say bad, just stupid.
"Don't tell me you're part of them now? you're not brainwashed, are you?!" she scoffed.
"Cassie, stop it. Leave it alone. Someone might hear you and you'll get in trouble," said my mother in exasperation. Usually my mother loved Cassie like a daughter but every time she would rant about the capitol, she would get tense and very nervous.
"I'm sorry, Abigail. But then again, no one here can hear us."
"If you hate them so much, why did you say you were proud of me?" I blurted out. Cassie looked at me confused for a few seconds and then a big smile graced her face.
"Haymitch don't you get it? What you did in that arena was amazing, you beat them at their own game and everyone saw it, it's only a matter of time and things will start to change."
"Are you talking about a rebellion?" my mum asked in horror.
"Are we going to rebel?" asked Laith in confusion.
"No," I said.
"Of course we are! Tyranny has to end. Can you imagine that? A world without the oppressive yoke of the Capitol? Haymitch, I'm ready to fight for my freedom".
"shh, careful, someone might hear you" I repeated my mother's words in alarm. She was crazy. Starting a rebellion would be crazy.
"I don't care, we don't have to be afraid anymore, just wait and see how the districts will rise up against Snow. And this time we will win," she said with confidence.
"I don't think I did much," I justified myself.
"Yes, you did. You played on your own terms, you used their own weapons against them. The whole capitol and the districts saw it. People made fun of these games. If no one fears the capitol he loses his power, now do you see?" I nodded. It's true that my actions were never intended to be that way, they were only guided by my curiosity and arrogance but I never saw it that way and maybe Cassie was right, maybe we were on the verge of a change in our future.
"I don't want to hear any more of that nonsense here or anywhere else, do you understand me?" my mother said angrily, turning her back on us. Cassie winked at me in amusement, I knew the conversation wasn't going to die here.
The two weeks that followed came with absolute calm and joy in the district. The capitol took care of giving gifts to every inhabitant of the district, no one would starve to death at least this year. But not everything was perfect, I still couldn't sleep for more than a couple of hours without nightmares tormenting me. I spent my nights wandering around the big house trying to be as quiet as possible so as not to wake the others. However, mum would sometimes accompany me on my sleepless nights, she didn't ask me any questions, but she sensed that I wasn't well. She wasn't either, even if she refused to admit it, she hated this house. As soon as I got out of the house, she took the opportunity to return to our old home; only Laith seemed oblivious and happy with all these changes, and I was going to try to keep it that way. I wished him a carefree life.
Cassie, for her part, spent every other night with me, we didn't see much of each other as she was still forced to attend school and had to look after her siblings. No matter how much I insisted, she refused to let me take care of her family. It frustrated me to no end, I just wanted to take care of her. So the only way to do that was to pass money to her through my mother, she couldn't say no to her.
Today, however, was a different day. I had lunch at the town hall. According to what I was told, it was a protocol thing that was done with every victor and apparently the communications team was coming. I sighed for the twentieth time, I hated being the capitol's puppet.
"Are you ready, sweetie?" mom asked.
"Are you sure you don't want to come?" she giggle
"you know the invitation is just for you".
"I'm the victor if I want I can invite you" I said cocky, which earned me an amused laugh from my mom.
"I can't and you know it. Besides I will go to the other house you know to clean it, I don't want it to fall down from the dust."
"Who are you kidding, woman? You're in there every time I turn my back on you. Just admit once and for all that you don't want to live here."
"You know it's not that, Haymitch. It's just that I don't know this place is missing something, I don't know. I understand that you prefer this house you..."
"I don't prefer it" I interrupted her "I understand this place isn't what I ever dreamed of but I have no choice but to live here" I shrugged my shoulders
"Do you really miss that old house full of cracks?"
"What I miss most is feeling at home. This place doesn't feel like home."
"I don't want you to feel that way, you know what? we're going to make this place our home, even if it doesn't go with the decor I'll bring our stuff you think?"
"What's about time!" I laughed "are you sure you don't want to come with me, I bet they'll prepare some exquisite and fancy food like those people like."
"I'm sure, Haymitch," she chuckled. "Besides you offend me I could make you a fancy meal tonight too. If you want to invite Cassie and her family over for dinner."
" I will. Although maybe tonight you could make me your herb soup, it's my favorite" she smiled in amusement
"I don't believe you"
"It's true, mom. Just because Laith doesn't like it doesn't mean I don't either. Maybe we can reminisce about old times with a good soup, we've already indulged Laith so much you don't want to spoil him."
"But how old are you, 16 or 50?" she laughed "come on, I'll indulge you both. I'll go pick up all our belongings from the other house, I wouldn't want to leave dad. Tonight, when we meet again I will have your soup for you, my sweet boy" she said smiling as she stroked my cheek. "Now go away or you will be late."
I headed to the town hall with an inexplicable sense of hope. As I walked through town I passed the candy store, since my return from the games I had avoided coming here. I was ashamed to look at the faces of the Donner family, I had let their daughter die. I actually avoided passing by where the relatives of my other two fellow Games participants also lived. The only places I went were Cassie's house, the hob and the woods. I could tell they had something big lined up for today, as the communications team was setting up the cameras and screens in the center of the town square, there was also some sort of stage and more peacekeepers than usual, I wondered what the hell the capitol was planning now.
Once I arrived at the town hall, I was surprised at the "fancy" display with which they had organized everything. I waited with a Peacekeeper in the hall until I was finally ushered into the grand dining room where the mayor and President Snow were meeting.
"ah, Mr. Abernathy, I've been expecting you," Snow said with a warm smile that didn't match the piercing look in his eyes.
"Excuse me Mr. President," the mayor almost kissed the bottom of his shoes as he retreated and left us alone. A shiver ran through me
"I don't remember you being so quiet, Mr. Abernathy."
"no, I'm just surprised at such a noble visit" I forced myself to say and he smiled.
"Please take a seat in a few minutes, they are bringing our food" I obeyed and sat down on the opposite side of the table; this seemed to amuse him. As he said, only about 5 minutes later, they brought us the food, or more I would say, a feast for more than 10 people.
"Will anyone else be joining us for lunch?"
"Oh no. I wanted to be able to have some time alone with the victor of the second quarter quell, I hope this doesn't bother you."
"no, sir."
"it's been a long time since I've tasted something from this district" he took a mouthful of food to his mouth "yes, it's been many years since I've been here, though it seems nothing has changed or progressed"
"With more than half the district starving to death it's hard to see any progress here" I said sarcastically but he just looked at me with a jocular air.
"I know what you are thinking. With a feast like this I could feed a score of children but then what would be the point of life, if everything was given away? If we were all equal, the fragile balance that maintains us as a society would collapse".
"Maybe not, maybe it would be a fairer society."
"ah, the districts and their idea of fairness" he said with a "sad" countenance. "If they would stop polluting themselves with those kinds of ideas Panem could be even greater and more glorious, but there is always rotten fruit in the harvest and before they spoil others it's better to get rid of them."
"So this is the reason for your visit. you're going to kill me" I snorted.
"oh no Mr. Abernathy. I wouldn't dare to kill one of my victors, I just came to make sure you had the life of a victor" he paused " I must admit that your trick in the games was not to my liking nor the gamemakers but I know how to recognize my mistakes so I won't make them again in the future, you will agree with me, right Mr. Abernathy?" I knew he was threatening me and I knew he was telling me something else but I couldn't see what he was referring to and a feeling of uneasiness took over my whole body. The rest of the meal passed in silence barely interrupted by Snow to praise or criticize any triviality. The more the minutes passed the more I felt short of breath, I wanted to get out of here now. "Well Mr. Abernathy, I'm not taking up any more of your time. This meeting has been quite productive, I hope to see you on the victory tour" I just nodded and without another word I walked out of this place. An inexplicable silence was felt all over the place, my nerves were increasing and it didn't help much that two peacekeepers were following me since I left the town hall.
"Haymitch, don't go! You don't have to see him" I was stopped by Fred, a miner I knew from the hob, as I was reaching the square.
"Let him pass!" ordered a peacekeeper.
Then I saw and understood everything. Why the increased security, the screens and the stage. Mom, Laith and Cassie were hanging there. Their limp bodies were now the spectacle being played on televisions all over the districts. I don't remember what happened next. Just a blur of images in my mind. Me going to the mayor's office to kill Snow, his triumphant smile in the distance, a peacekeeper hitting me and then nothing.
I was forced to look at their dead bodies for 7 days before I was allowed to take them down. In those torturous days I watched as birds of prey flew over their bodies, not daring to come down for fear of being attacked, heard the cries and pleas of Cassie's younger siblings, the silent weeping of her father and the murmurs of terror from the crowd. I don't remember the burial but I do remember the fire coming from my old home. My mother didn't manage to get anything out of the house before they murdered her. They burned everything, every memory of my family. They destroyed Cassie's family. Her 3 little brothers were traumatized, for the second time they lost a mother and it was my fault. When I tried to give them some money their dad asked me to distance myself for fear of retaliation. It was all my fault, I killed them.
The months that followed were filled with terror, screams, whippings and more deaths. Apparently the president was not satisfied with killing my family but decided to teach the district a lesson as well. I bore all the responsibility; it was unbearable. Like the coward I was, I decided to disappear from everyone's sight. But not for long could I hide, one morning my bloody prep group arrived, it was time to start the victory tour. By the time we got to the 11th district, I couldn't even stand up from being drunk. And here I was at the fucking party thrown in my honor in fucking district 11; I would continue to drink all the fucking liquor within my reach until it killed me.
"I'm so sorry for the loss of your family" I was distracted by a burly, dark-skinned young man with one hand missing.
"Who the fuck are you? Get the fuck out!"
"Chaff, victor of the 45th hunger games, my pleasure" he offered me his stump and I, like an imbecile, laughed.
"Well, my pleasure, now leave me alone! don't you see it's my celebration party for killing kids!" I said loudly so they would hear me.
"shh. I advise you kid to follow the rules of the game, maybe you no longer have anything to lose but in your district there are still innocents that are going to pay for your actions. Trust me, you don't want to be mentoring 12 year olds for the next 10 years. Take this will help calm your momentum" he handed me a glass of water.
"My family was innocent and yet they were killed."
"I know. When you won the games, the districts started to get agitated and Snow decided to teach you and all the districts a lesson, in case there was an uprising."
"I didn't want this, I didn't want my family killed because of me."
"I know, neither did I mine, and you're not the only one, you'll realize in time that the best thing would have been to die in the arena."