Title: Seven Sins
Pairing(s): Bonnie/Stefan (Main), Stefan/Elena, Bonnie/Jeremy, Bonnie/Tyler, Stefan/Katherine, Stefan/Bonnie/Tyler, Stefan/Bonnie/Katherine, etc.
Summary: When Bonnie Bennett attends her first Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting, the last person that she expects to see is her best friend's boyfriend, Stefan Salvatore. Stefan's recovery and Bonnie's commitment to the program quickly goes off the rails when the two hook up that same night and begin an enabling secret relationship that leads them down the spiraling path of obsession and sin.
Warnings: Sexual Content, Explicit Sexual Content, Language, Addiction, Obsession, etc.
A/N: Hey all! Back again with another update finally. I really do get this stuff up when I can. Real life just doesn't lend me time to write fanfiction to be honest. I do appreciate the reviews! I read every one of them even if I don't respond, so thank you! I did want to address one comment in particular. All love just wanted to clarify things. It was regarding Bonnie playing Stefan and I want to end that narrative immediately. I know we can't control the way people interpret what we write but this reminds me far too much of why I hesitate to update Notes on a Scandal because I write it heavily in the male gaze (which I feel like I do a little to well sometimes because this keeps happening to me), so the reader automatically sort of leans into that POV. People were taking Klaus' POV as fact even though I said more than once that he is an unreliable narrator in that fic, and he is quite clearly projecting his desires onto both Bonnie and Stefan because he doesn't want to confront them. But that's a whole other fic. Anyway, for this fic please do not put this all on Bonnie as she stated in the last chapter. Because it is not. Stefan is grown and makes his own decisions. Also, Stefan is not the victim here, but neither is Bonnie. If anything, they are both manipulating each other both intentionally and unintentionally because they both suffer from addiction. That's literally just how it works. Do they have real feelings for each other? Yes. Are they triggering each other? Yes. Are they using each other? Yes. Are they good for each other? Yes and no. Are they harmful to each other? Yes, but not always intentionally and arguably they don't necessarily have to be. That's the whole narrative. Is Stefan risking a lot? Yes, but so is Bonnie. She is also a student, also has family, friends, and a reputation to maintain. She is also seeking help; Stefan just happens to be further along in his recovery process. But he is also relapsing into a pattern of behavior that was there long before Bonnie came along as he mentioned in the opening of the story, the only difference here is that he's fixated on her. So, please don't make this narrative Bonnie coming in and single handedly ruining Stefan because that's literally what he wants her to do so because it gets him what he wants which is her, which means she is not ruining anything alone he's helping with his choices. I love both of these characters I do but Bonnie already gets a lot of flack from people in canon and fanon that is undeserved and I am not about to have that happening with my fics because my goal is always to let Bonnie be flawed, represented, fully fleshed out, and experience stories she didn't get to in canon. Okay, I will get off my soap box now and get on with the update! But please continue to comment and review because I really do love hearing from you all and appreciate the continued readership and support even though my updates are always far less frequent than I would like! Love ya'll!
part three || envy
en·vy —the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.
"As a moth gnaws a garment, so doth envy consume a person."
― John Chrysostom
Bonnie Bennett had been working in the campus greenhouse at Whitmore since her freshmen year. As a graduate student her hours were split between her classes, working part-time at her cousin Emily's modern-day apothecary, Bennett Apothecary & Botanicals, in town, and working the greenhouse in the evenings. Most weeks she was grateful when the long days came to an end but as of late, she was more grateful to be preoccupied.
She was able to keep her mind on the plants and flowers in her care. On crushing and bottling herbs, On textbooks, papers, and preparations for exams. On anything other than the way that she had left things with Stefan.
She hadn't seen him since she'd been sent to check in with him by Elena after their night together. Even though she knew it was for the best, it was weighing on her. Still, her work and school obligations made it difficult for her to dwell on things she shouldn't have been thinking about in the first place.
The problem with being preoccupied with the same tasks day in and day out was that Bonnie was usually easy to find by those who knew her schedule. So, it wasn't all that surprising when Tyler Lockwood showed up at the greenhouse after her shift.
Bonnie had just gotten cleaned up and was leaving the greenhouse with her messenger bag on her shoulder when she came face to face with Tyler standing there waiting for her with his hands stuffed into the pockets of the leather jacket he was wearing and a self-deprecating smile on his face.
Bonnie stared at him with wide eyes, feeling like a deer caught in headlights. "Hey," she said, softly, not knowing what else to say. A part of her had hoped that avoiding his calls would be message enough but she knew what Camille would've told her, she needed to confront her actions and problems head on, or her recovery would be shot to hell no matter what she did. Avoidance was a fear based coping mechanism, not a solution.
"Hey," Tyler said, he shuffled his feet and then, "Look I get it, it's never going to happen for us. You haven't been answering my calls so I kind of got the message. I just thought that maybe we could talk things out. Get everything out in the open. Salvage our friendship at least. Or maybe just start one, I don't know."
Bonnie bit her lip, realized what she had to do. She had to tell him the truth. The entire truth. It was already too late not to hurt him. At least if she were honest, he could let go of whatever it was that he felt for her. Maybe he was right, they could find some sort of friendship to salvage.
"Alright," Bonnie agreed, "We can talk." A thought came to her, and she glanced back at the greenhouse. "But could you wait here for a second, I need to grab something inside."
Tyler looked so relieved that she agreed to talk to him instead of running in the opposite direction that he probably would have agreed to anything. So, Bonnie wasn't all that surprised when he said, "Yeah, of course, I'll wait."
Bonnie shifted nervously. "Thank you," she said, "I'll be quick."
Bonnie stepped back inside of the greenhouse. As the door shut behind her, she took a deep breath and counted to ten. When she opened her eyes, she moved through the aisles of flora and fauna, stopping in front of a cart of potted plants that had yet to be planted. Scanning them quickly, she decided on a small pot of red snapdragons. Grabbing the small pot in one hand, Bonnie shifted her bag with the other.
Bonnie exited the greenhouse again and found Tyler still waiting. Walking up to him Bonnie held out the pot of small flowering plants. "These are snapdragons," she said, "They signify apologies, seeking forgiveness, and requesting compassion. I just…um…want to apologize for avoiding you and for a lot of things, actually."
Tyler took the pot and smiled, shaking his head. "Bonnie," he said, "You don't need to apologize to me. Especially, if it's about not being interested. I mean, I wasn't expecting anything. That wasn't how I wanted us to ever start things up if I ever did get a chance. I mean, I know you're with Jeremy."
Bonnie sighed. "It's not as simple as that," she said. "I wish it were. Jeremy is a part of it, I guess. But it's…there's a lot I need to tell you and I doubt you'll want to be friends afterwards, which is fine. I just…I want to be honest and take accountability. But we probably shouldn't talk about it here."
Tyler studied her for a moment, trying to dissect her words and read what was underneath the surface. "Alright," he nodded, "We can go somewhere. That teashop that you like is still open. The one a couple of blocks down with the really good chai."
Bonnie swallowed. Felt like crying, partially because someone else was paying attention and showing care for her when she more than likely didn't deserve it, and partially because of the way that care threatened to trigger another stupid mistake.
Bonnie took a deep breath, tried to remember the tools Camille taught her. The teashop was a public place. Whatever care Tyler felt for her would be gone once he found out the truth. She would do the right thing and be honest for once. It would be over, and things would be fine.
'The teashop sounds great," Bonnie said.
They walked the few blocks to the little teashop near campus called Full Moon Tea House. Tyler got himself an iced tea and Bonnie a chai and they sat at a small table in the corner of the shop.
Before Bonnie could say anything, Tyler spoke first. "I know that you said that there was a lot you wanted to tell me, but I wanted to apologize first," he murmured, staring down at his cup, "I meant what I said when I told you that I'm interested in you, that I want to be with you. I have for a while. That's part of why Care and I ended things."
Bonnie winced, as she stared down at her own cup. She had suspected as much but it would just make what she was about to say harder.
"Not that I didn't love Caroline," he said, "I did. But I've always wondered if you and I could ever…I didn't think you would ever be interested in me. Then I saw you at that rave and you were…I didn't think that you could ever want me, and I thought I wouldn't get another chance. So, I jumped at the opportunity, but it wasn't how I wanted things to play out. I wanted to do things the right way and tell you how I feel about you. But I messed everything up."
Bonnie shook her head, reaching across the table and grabbing his hand. "You didn't," she said, "I'm just messed up in general and that's the real problem."
Tyler frowned as he finally looked up at her. "What do you mean? Why would you think that? Is it because things got so rough? I wasn't expecting it, but I thought that we were…that you were, really beautiful that night. I think about it, about you a lot. You don't have to feel like you're messed up because you enjoyed it. I know that everyone likes to paint you as some kind of nun or something, but you're allowed to have a good time without having to feel bad about it."
Bonnie sighed pulling her hands back and placing them around her mug. She took a sip of tea, cleared her throat. "Again, it's not that simple."
"Okay," Tyler said, "So, tell me what's making it so complicated?"
Bonnie looked down at her cup again, unable to meet his eyes when she spoke. "I'm a sex addict," she said.
There was silence for so long that Bonnie thought that he'd simply gotten up and left but when she finally felt brave enough to look up, he was staring at her with wide eyes. "Will you say something?"
"Is that like an actual thing?" Tyler asked, "I always thought it was just something people say to get out of cheating."
Bonnie rolled her eyes. "It's a disease, and that stupid stigma that's attached is why it's so hard to tell people because they don't see it the same as they do substance abuse or alcoholism. They think it's something that you can just get a handle on and control if you really want to," she said, "I couldn't even call myself an addict at my first SAA meeting because I felt like I couldn't even admit it out loud. Tyler, look, I know how you can get when you put your walls up. When you're being mean spirited and sarcastic as a defense mechanism. So, I'm going to ask you not to be an asshole about this even though I deserve it."
Tyler frowned. "You don't," he said, "I wasn't trying to be. I was just shocked." He hesitated and then reached out and placed his hands over where hers were still wrapped around her mug. "Maybe I'm not equipped to deal with sex addiction, but my dad and his side of the family have dealt with alcoholism for generations. The Lockwood curse he calls it. So, I'm not as out to sea about this stuff as you might think. If you're comfortable with talking about it, I'll listen. I want to know about your triggers, how this works for you, and if I can support you in some kind of way."
Bonnie opened her mouth and closed it. She was now in shock. "Why would you-"
"I care about you," he said, seriously, "We all have flaws and things about ourselves that make us hate ourselves. My anger is one of them for me. Whatever or whoever this disease turns you into sometimes, you're still you."
Bonnie squeezed his hands and slowly began to tell him everything. This was probably their first real conversation, and the first time Bonnie didn't hesitate to call him a friend.
Bonnie told him about Jeremy, about the strangers, about her triggers, about the manipulation and the impulses that led to their night together, and about Stefan.
Tyler's face didn't fall until Bonnie revealed her feelings for Stefan. "I want to thank you for caring about me and being honest about your feelings," she said, "For listening to me even after everything. I'm sorry I can't return them. Maybe if I were in a different place or a different person I could. Or maybe I stopped being able to feel anything for anyone else the moment I saw Stefan in that SAA meeting, I don't know."
Tyler pulled his hands away and took a sip of his drink. "I understand," he said, "I do. I mean, even without all of this I never expected to even get this far with you. Knowing now that the night we spent together happened because you were triggered makes me feel even worse about the whole thing."
Bonnie shook her head. "I meant what I said when I said it didn't feel like it did when I was with all those random guys when I was with you. If felt different knowing that you really knew me and had feelings for me."
"But not different in the way it felt with you and Stefan," Tyler surmised.
"No, not in the way it was with Stefan," Bonnie answered honestly, "Nothing has ever felt like I felt when I was with Stefan."
"Well, fuck," Tyler said, letting out a dry laugh without humor, "I don't know who I'm more jealous of, Jeremy who gets to be with you or Stefan who you can feel everything with."
Bonnie hated the look of defeat on his face. "I'm sorry, Tyler," she said, "I should've told you sooner."
"It's okay," Tyler shrugged, "I probably would have a harder time with this if it were anyone else, but I'd rather be your friend than be nothing to you and I can live with that. As your friend, I won't tell anyone."
Bonnie's eyes watered. She was both grateful and full of self-loathing. "Thank you," she said, "I'm going to try to keep going with my recovery. Maybe actually even start to be honest with Jeremy. Slowly, I think. But I appreciate you letting me do all this in my own time. Recovery is going to be hard enough without worrying about people on the outside passing judgement, you know."
Tyler nodded. "About that," he murmured. "I know this is going to sound opportunistic and maybe it is, Because I would rather be with you in any way I can, than not at all. I know you're with Jeremy. But I also know that the impulse, the triggers won't go away overnight. You said that Stefan isn't an option since you're both struggling in different ways and you're both attached. I kind of wish he was, not that I'm not jealous that you want him to be, but at least I know you would be safe with him. I'm scared that one day some stranger who doesn't care about you will hurt you the next time you're in a situation you can't control."
He was right but Bonnie knew that there was something he was talking around, something that he was scared to say. Still, she could guess what he was leaning towards even before he continued.
"You'd be safe with me, too," he said, "Care and I are over so I'm unattached. I could be who you come to when things get to be too much. I could give you what you need until you're further along in recovery and you feel like you can trust yourself."
It was a tempting offer, but Bonnie knew that there were so many reasons she couldn't take it. "I wouldn't do that to you," she said, "You deserve better than being my Band-Aid or my coping mechanism. I don't want you waiting in the wings and not moving on because I'm struggling. I don't want you to hold out hope that maybe one day things will be different with us. I can't even tell you what or who I'll be from one day to the next. Besides that, I have to take responsibility for my own recovery. I can't put that on you or anyone else."
"I get your point," he said, "But I also know that my feelings for you aren't going anywhere. I also know that I want you to be safe. I also know that I want to be with you and in your life no matter how it looks even if it's this way. That's my choice, not yours. You don't need to take that on yourself either. It's not a perfect solution but it's on the table if you need me. Just, think about it, alright?"
Bonnie closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. Everything was a mess. Still, she knew that he was right, she couldn't have Stefan. She was also tired of hooking up with random strangers. Tired of feeling empty and hating herself. But being with Tyler when Stefan was all that she really wanted would just lead to a different kind of emptiness for both of them. The only option Bonnie really had was to do the work and focus on her recovery.
The problem was, though she wanted to do the work today, she couldn't promise that she would tomorrow or the next day. Just like she knew that even if she said no to Tyler's offer today, it didn't mean that she would tomorrow.
Bonnie stood to leave. "I'm going to go." She spoke.
Tyler nodded. He looked as if he wanted to reach out to her, ask her to stay. However, he just smiled weakly at her and wrapped a hand around the potted snapdragons still on the table.
Bonnie took a few steps and then hesitated. She glanced back at Tyler over her shoulder. "I'll think about it." She said, not looking at him long enough to see his reaction.
Bonnie left the teashop and walked back to her car alone, trying not to think about the mess she made even when she was trying to do the right thing.
As Bonnie walked, she came upon a couple, holding hands and laughing. She ached at the sight, at the simplicity and uncomplicated joy of the moment. It was something so small, but something Bonnie was beginning to realize that she would likely never have.
:::
Stefan Salvatore had just completed a twelve-hour shift at the hospital but was still tempted to turn right back around and do another twelve hours when he came home to Lexi Branson sitting at his kitchen table.
The hospital was easier to deal with. It was sterile. Even his practiced bedside manner often gave way to clinical language and diagnostics when it was time to treat a patient or learn a new concept. He had to be precise. Focused. There wasn't room for distraction or vulnerability. Not when it could lead to a mistake and a mistake could lead to the loss of a life. Even as a student intern it was enough to occupy his mind. To get him back on track when his thoughts wandered to baser territory. To sexual thoughts, and more recently to Bonnie Bennett.
But with his best friend's eyes boring into him, Stefan had nothing to distract him. Nothing to hide behind. Lexi would break him, eventually. She always did.
Still, he kept his expression blank and ignored her in favor of walking toward the coffee machine. He grabbed a bag of light roast mocha from the cabinet. Tried not to think about the fact that he had bought it on his most recent trip to the grocery store while thinking about the taste of coffee on Bonnie's tongue as he fucked her. Cleared his throat and looked for the coffee filters.
"I'm surprised to see you in scrubs," Lexi commented, "I mean, you went dark on us for days. Usually, that ends with me picking you up from some seedy motel and hauling your ass back to therapy."
Stefan winced but continued brewing his coffee. "Do you want a cup?"
"Not that I'm disappointed that my services weren't needed this time around," Lexi said, ignoring his question, "I'm relieved. It just makes me wonder, exactly why you went dark. I have a few questions. The first being, why did you shut everyone out in the first place?" She didn't give Stefan the chance to answer and so he knew she would presume whatever theory she had regarding his behavior was the right one without much input on his part. That was another thing that he was beginning to find exhausting.
She continued even with Stefan's feigned inattention. "I'm assuming the answer is you were triggered, or you relapsed," she said, and then, "The second question is, were you able to pull yourself out of it or did you have help? That one I think is a tossup depending on if you relapsed or not. The third question is, with or without help, are you back on the right track or are you pretending because you have something to cover up? Which, if the relapse is the answer to the first, I'm sure you do."
Stefan sighed as he pulled a mug from the cabinet and set it on the countertop. "You know," he said, "You take it upon yourself to save me. Every time. No one ever asks you to. I was grateful for it when I needed it but now...I must wonder if you feel like you need to try and save me because you care, or because you need a purpose? If it's the latter, then you can spare me because I'm tired of being what everyone needs. If you need someone to save maybe, you should get into social work."
Lexi rolled her eyes and nodded to herself. "Defensive and turning the tables, so that means you did relapse," she stated, unperturbed, "Does Damon know? Does Elena?"
Stefan shook his head. "They don't need to. I have it handled."
"Meaning what exactly?" Lexi pressed. He knew she wouldn't let up. She had seen him at his worst. Was used to him lashing out. Shutting down. Disconnecting. Going dark as she put it, when he didn't communicate for days. Or weeks. Or longer. She'd seen it all. He knew that whatever happened she'd be on the other side of it. He loved her for it and hated her for it.
"That's not your problem," Stefan told her, refusing to look at her as he poured coffee into his mug and drank it black. Savored the slight bitterness on his tongue. Thought of the Red Eye he had the night he'd spent with Bonnie. "Neither am I."
"No, you're not anyone's problem, Stefan," Lexi stood and walked around the island until she was standing in front of him, "You're my friend. You know that."
Stefan relented and met her gaze. "I do know that," he agreed, "but if you really want to be a friend to me right now, then do me a favor and live your life. You have Lee, he loves you and you love him. You get to be affectionate and loving and connect emotionally and sexually and in whatever way you want to without having to deal with all this other bullshit. Do you know how much I envy that?"
What she had was simple and uncomplicated. She could be with who she wanted. She had devotion and reciprocated feelings. She took it for granted. The way that Damon took it for granted that he could hook up with whoever he wanted and go off the rails in excess. The way that Jeremy Gilbert took it for granted that he got to walk around with Bonnie Bennett on his arm, even though their relationship was as much of a farse as Stefan was beginning to realize his and Elena's was. But what Lexi had with Lee was real and true. He'd kill for that, especially if it was with Bonnie Bennett.
Lexi gave him the look that he hated, the one that was just on the verge of pity. She took his hands. "You can have that," she said, squeezing his hands, "With Elena."
Stefan snatched his hands away. He hadn't talked to Elena since the day that Bonnie had asked him to call her. He'd called her and said all the right things. Words that left him hollow. "I love you. I was just going through a rough patch but I'm better now. I'm sorry I shut you out. It'll never happen again." More lies on top of the ones that were piling up day by day.
He had heard how hurt Elena was that he had iced her out, but he hadn't felt anything. No remorse at all. He knew how much it would hurt if she found out about his relapse, especially that it was with Bonnie. He didn't feel remorse for that either. He only felt sorry for the position he'd put Bonnie in. For not being able to have Bonnie, even now.
"I can't have that with Elena," Stefan said aloud.
"I get that you feel that way because you relapsed," Lexi frowned, "But you can't say that. You can't give up. She's stuck it out with you all this time. When she found out about your addiction. When you went through the program. She'll understand this. You just have to do the work. You've done the work before. You can do it again."
She touched his face, her eyes wide and earnest. That look that had once disarmed him now made him angry. Resentful. As if she were trying to appease a child or tame a wild animal. He was neither of those things. Flawed and on the brink of spiraling again, yes. But he was aware. He was for once unashamed, and he didn't feel as if he needed to be coddled or saved. Damon talked about Bonnie's savior complex, but Lexi had one as well. Her friendship came with expectations and image as well. He had to stay on track. Be a good boy. And when he went astray, he had to let himself be led back. Seek redemption. Because who was he without the need for atonement? The answer, at the moment, was the man who only felt real when he was in between Bonnie Bennett's legs but that wasn't the answer Lexi wanted.
"You just have to want it," she pressed, "You know how this works. You have to be honest. Acknowledge what you did, acknowledge the pain you caused Elena, yourself, and if necessary, whoever it was that you were with. That's the first step, and then, you move forward. Start over in your recovery and your relationship. Maybe you should set more realistic goals this time. The goal was always to abstain from any sexual contact outside of a committed relationship, but you always wanted to push yourself to abstain completely. Quit cold turkey. But that was never the answer. Maybe if you had let yourself be with Elena and stopped punishing yourself you wouldn't have been tempted. I don't know. Whatever it is, you don't just give up, Stefan."
Stefan picked up the coffee mug, slammed it into the sink, and was gratified to see it shatter. Lexi flinched but didn't move away. "You know how this works too," Stefan spat, "You can't help me if I don't want it. And I don't want it, Lexi. I don't want help. I don't want Elena. I don't want to talk to you or bond with Damon. Or go to therapy. Or group. Or earn another fucking sobriety chip. I just want to fucking feel something. Not just lust. Not just responsibility. Not just expectation. But intimacy. Real intimacy. I want to feel the whole of everything I didn't even know I could feel, and I can't unless I'm with her and I can't be with her because everything is fucked up and it's wrong and it's my fault."
"We can fix this," Lexi pressed, "Feeling intimacy is progress. It just means you're on the road to recovery. Maybe feeling that way for Elena scared you because you've never felt it before, and you relapsed because that fear made you want to ruin it before it disappeared. I'll call Elena and we'll work it out. I'll be with you the whole time and we can explain-"
"I'm not talking about Elena!" Stefan shouted. He closed his eyes and gripped the counter, so hard his hands ached with it.
Lexi frowned. "Then who are you talking about?" Stafan watched as Lexi's eyes narrowed. "Who exactly did you relapse with, Stefan?"
"Would you just stop," he said, his voice breaking, "Just stop. You can't fix this. This isn't something for you to fix. It's something that I need to figure out what I am going to do about myself. Because this is my life, Lexi. Mine. Mine to get right and mine to fuck up." He glared at her, his expression both pained and determined. "It doesn't matter who I'm talking about. It's not your business and like I said before, it isn't your problem," he sighed. Breathed in and breathed out. Counted to ten like Jonah had taught him. It didn't help. Not really. But it brought him back enough to armor himself with his impassive façade. To keep him from revealing just who he had relapsed with. "I know you want to help, and I know you love me," Stefan said, actively trying to keep his tone calm, "But I can't do this with you right now."
Lexi opened her mouth and then closed it. Stefan watched the warring expressions on her face and sighed in relief when she finally backed down a bit. "Fine," she nodded, "But we're doing this eventually. Because I do love you, you jackass, and I'm not giving up on you."
"That's not what I'm saying, and I don't think you'll ever understand it, because as much as you love me, everything you do for me is more about you than it is about me." Stefan thought about the unrelenting expectations she placed on him as well and decided to go for honesty instead of trying to appease her. "Do you know how suffocating it is to be your friend sometimes? Do you know that you make me feel more like a project than a person? Just because you think something is right for me doesn't mean it is. Just because you know me, doesn't mean you have a link to my brain and can tell exactly how I feel. You don't know everything, and I don't owe it to you to let you in all the time. Why should I? Why should I give control over my life and my recovery to you or anyone else? Because I'm an addict? Because you think you know what's best for me? I don't even know that. Did you ever think that maybe my recovery isn't going to look how you or anyone else wants it to? That it's not going to be neat and tidy. That it's not going to be linear. That maybe it won't have anything to do with you or Elena or Damon. That it might not even look like a recovery. That what you think is progress isn't always progress."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Lexi asked, eyeing him with concern.
Stefan shrugged. "It means what you think is the right thing for me isn't always the right thing. What you think is the answer isn't always the answer. So maybe, instead of policing my life every time I fall off the wagon you should start living yours."
Stefan turned away from her and walked out of the room without looking back.
:::
Before things went to complete and utter shit Bonnie had applied for an internship at Mystic Falls Hospital in the Holistic Medicine department that was spearheaded by Dr. Pearl Zhu. Bonnie had interviewed for the job over the summer and hadn't thought about it since classes had started back in the Fall. However, the morning after her run in with Tyler, she received a call from Dr. Zhu herself saying that she had the job and would be starting in three weeks' time.
Bonnie would have been ecstatic if not for the fact that Stefan Salvatore was already interning at the hospital. It was a different department. Chances were they wouldn't even see each other all that much. However, the last thing Bonnie wanted was for Stefan to think that she had applied to the job with him in mind or taken it for the same reason. She told Vicki as much when she called her after getting the news.
"Oh please," Vicki said, "You and Stefan had one night together. One mistake that hasn't been repeated since then. You applied for the position before it happened, and you don't need to make a call about your future based on one night. You shouldn't keep making yourself pay for this thing between you two Bonnie. Don't let it ruin this opportunity. Even if you and Stefan decide to fuck again in your free time at some point, which I would try not to judge but wouldn't advise, you got this opportunity because you earned it. It has nothing to do with him."
So, Bonnie accepted the offer and hoped that Stefan wouldn't get the wrong idea.
When she told her friends, Caroline had immediately set about planning a party to congratulate Bonnie and three days later, she was at her apartment getting ready for a celebration at Mystic Grill.
Bonnie was actually excited at the idea of people coming together to celebrate her for once. Of her hard work paying off. She hadn't slept with anyone since the night she was with Stefan. Hadn't taken Tyler up on his offer. She'd been steadily going to therapy and while she had yet to confess her addiction to Jeremy, things were going good between them, even though she was still steering away from getting physical with him.
When Jeremy came to pick Bonnie up, he beamed at her when she opened the door. "I'm so proud of you," he told her, "Also, you look beautiful."
'Thank you," Bonnie said, running a hand down the dark purple floral dress that she wore.
She had always been there to support him and his goals. It was nice to be on the other side for once. She felt some of the hollowness that she felt when she was with him begin to fill. Felt her insecurities begin to heal just a little.
However, as Jeremy drove them to the diner, Bonnie began to feel nervous because Caroline had invited everyone in their friend group, including Stefan and Tyler.
While Bonnie knew that neither Stefan nor Tyler would make a scene, she was sure that seeing both would come with their share of awkwardness. Even though she had managed to maintain her distance, her desire for Stefan had not faded. But, she supposed, now that they were interning at the same place, she would have to get used to running into him more often.
"Everyone is really happy for you," Jeremy said as they arrived, pulling into the parking lot, "But just a fair warning, Stefan and Elena have been having some issues. I don't know the specifics but there's been some tension. So, just know that if you pick up on something, it isn't about you. I asked everyone to keep it together for your sake today so hopefully, it'll be no big deal."
Bonnie cleared her throat. "Thanks for the warning," she muttered, wishing that he was right and the issues between Stefan and Elena really weren't Bonnie related.
Bonnie was relieved when Jeremy got out of the car first, she took her time to take deep breaths as Jeremy rounded the car to open her door for her.
Bonnie almost cursed as her hand shook as she took Jeremy's when she got out of the car. Jeremy squeezed her hand and threaded their fingers together. He smiled, taking Bonnie's anxiety as excitement.
They walked through the door to shouts of congratulations and Bonnie laughed as Matt, Caroline, and Vicki immediately crushed her in a group hug even with her hand still occupied by Jeremy's.
When her friends released her, Jeremy took her jacket and offered to grab her something to drink. "Go make your rounds," he said, "I'll be right behind you."
Bonnie nodded and with some apprehension, began to make her way around the room.
Bonnie forced a smile as she walked up to Stefan, Elena, Lexi, Damon, and Lee, deciding to bite the bullet. She received congratulations and hugs from each of them in turn, starting with Elena and ending with Stefan. Bonnie fought the urge to close her eyes and linger as his arms enveloped her. She felt his hands tighten around her, heard him inhale deeply as if taking in her scent and she moved away quickly, taking a step back.
Bonnie turned to Elena to complement her friend's dress and hopefully circumvent the awkwardness Jeremy had warned her about, but Elena spoke first. "You know," Elena said, "Maybe I should apply for an internship at the hospital. It's probably the only way I'll get to see Stefan since he's been avoiding me."
Bonnie frowned, her eyes landing on Stefan as his brows knitted together. "I haven't been avoiding you," he said, "I told you I just needed time-"
"Time for what exactly?" Elena cut in and Bonnie winced.
"We said that we were going to table this conversation for later," Stefan said, "Today is about Bonnie."
"So, first you're avoiding me and now you're accusing me of being a bad friend," Elena shot back.
Bonnie took another step away from them as Lexi stepped forward. "I don't think that's what he meant," Lexi defended.
Bonnie opened her mouth to excuse herself but shut it as Stefan placed a hand on the small of her back. "Bonnie, have you seen the cake?" he asked, as Lexi continued to try to talk Elena down, "It's beautiful. Caroline really went all out."
Bonnie gave Stefan a sideways glance even as she allowed herself to be led to a row of tables covered in food. "What are you doing?" Bonnie asked.
"Trying not to make a scene and also getting you alone so I can tell you how much I missed you and how proud I am of you," he said.
Bonnie sighed. "Is this wise?"
"Probably not, but neither is getting into it with Elena here," he said, "I haven't talked to her since the day I called after you came over."
Bonnie fought the urge to lean into him. She ignored the gratification she felt at his words. "This doesn't change anything, Stefan," Bonnie said, "I applied for this internship a while ago. This isn't an opening or anything."
"I know," Stefan said, rubbing her back in soothing circles, "Vicki told me. She didn't want me getting any ideas, either. I just wanted to let you know that I'm happy for you and I'm glad you're doing well."
Bonnie nodded, turning towards him slightly. "Thank you," she whispered, and couldn't help but adding, "I missed you, too."
Stefan's lips twitched; his gaze warm as he eyed her. "I know," he said, teasingly, "but it's nice to hear you say it."
Bonnie licked her lips and moved slightly closer to him. She was jolted out of the moment when she felt a hand on her shoulder.
When Bonnie turned, Tyler Lockwood was standing next to them. "Congratulations, Bennett." He spoke.
Bonnie felt her anxiety heighten once more as Tyler pulled her into a hug. As Bonnie wrapped her arms around him, he leaned down to whisper in her ear. "You good?" He asked.
Bonnie nodded the affirmative as she pulled away, even though she was beginning to be anything but. She opened her mouth to ask Tyler how he was doing but was interrupted as Jeremy arrived drink in hand. Bonnie felt both Stefan and Tyler stiffen beside her as Jeremy kissed her cheek and grabbed her hand leading her towards another round of party guests after he greeted them.
Even as Bonnie made her way across the room, she felt their eyes on her. She tried not to notice the flutter in her stomach at the attention, tried to kill the impulse to push them both to see what kind of reaction she could get from them in front of all these people. She didn't need to be the girl who poked the beasts, not anymore. She was getting better; she was doing better. She repeated the lie in her mind over and over.
Bonnie's resolve to keep herself together was short lived, but the breaking point was triggered not by Stefan or Tyler, but by Jeremy.
Two hours into the party a drunken Anna Zhu decided to crash it.
They were getting ready to cut the cake when suddenly things got quiet in the room. Bonnie turned from where Caroline was asking her which one of the icing flowers Bonnie wanted for herself to see why a hush had suddenly fallen over the room, and Anna was there with a smile on her face as she walked slowly up to Bonnie.
"Don't stop the party on my account," Anna said, clapping slowly, "I mean, come on, everyone, we're all here to celebrate Bonnie getting what she wants, again."
Bonnie glared at the girl as Jeremy stepped up beside Bonnie. "Anna," Jeremy frowned, "What are you even doing here?"
Anna let out a laugh that didn't reach her eyes. "I'm here to celebrate the chosen one," she said, "First, you chose her over me. And now, my own mother chose her over me. Must be nice."
Bonnie frowned. "What are you talking about?"
"The internship," Anna spat, "I applied for the same one. But you got picked. My mother probably called you to congratulate you personally. I got rejected in an email. She knows how hard I worked and she picked you anyway."
Bonnie opened her mouth to defend herself but stopped when Jeremy stepped forward and in between them. Bonnie closed her mouth, thinking that Jeremy would speak up on her behalf but she was wrong.
"Listen Anna," he said, "I'm sorry you lost this opportunity. Maybe Pearl picked Bonnie because she didn't want to look like she was playing favorites. I know you worked hard for this."
Bonnie felt her anger and resentment rise, along with her insecurities. Jeremy had questioned her qualifications in front of everyone. He'd basically told the whole room that Bonnie hadn't been selected because she was good enough but because Pearl hadn't wanted to be accused of nepotism.
What about how hard Bonnie had worked? What about the nights she spent researching and studying? What about the hours of practical healing and work experience she'd gained working with Emily at the apothecary? Did soothing Anna's bruised ego really matter more than Bonnie?
"No," Bonnie heard Stefan start as he stepped up beside her, "Bonnie was more than qualified for the position. She worked hard and it paid off. I work with Pearl myself and I've heard nothing but high praise for Bonnie since the hiring decision was announced."
A moment later Tyler stepped forward as well. "Which should be a surprise to no one," he said, glaring at Anna, "This whole wannabe nepotism baby act is not only embarrassing but makes you look like a sore loser. This party is for Bonnie, so if you're not hear for her you can leave."
Bonnie didn't have time to feel gratitude for them coming to her defense because Jeremy spoke up again. "Anna has clearly been drinking," he said, "She doesn't know what she's saying. Just ease up."
Bonnie looked skyward and shook her head. She should have known better, should have been used to the disappointment by now. In what reality would she be able to have a day for herself and just her. "You're still defending her," she said, "Why am I not surprised?"
Bonnie felt tired, so tired. She walked around Jeremy and Anna, left the restaurant without looking back.
Bonnie made it to the parking lot before Jeremy came running after her and grabbed her wrist. "Bonnie wait," he said.
Bonnie whipped around and yanked her hand back. "I've been waiting, Jeremy," she said, "Waiting for my feelings to matter to you as much as hers do. Waiting to feel something with you and for you that I'm just not going to feel. I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of pretending."
Jeremy's face fell. "I'm sorry," he said, "I didn't know she would come here."
Bonnie sighed. "You just don't get it," she said, "Every moment I spend with you I spend feeling like I'm not good enough, but you spend all your time trying to make Anna feel like she is. At least when you're not trying to make Viki feel like she can't do any better than you."
Jeremy looked away and Bonnie knew she had struck a chord. She was also tired of being angry at him. He couldn't make her feel desired and because of that she couldn't be faithful. All he did was add to the insecurities that caused her issues that fed her impulses, and it was her fault because she had stayed with him for so long, even knowing that.
"Look," Jeremy said, "We'll figure this out. We always do. We go back and forth but it's always going to end with me and you."
Bonnie shook her head. "Not always," she said.
"What does that mean?" Jeremy asked.
"It means that this time it's just going to end," Bonnie said.
Jeremy opened his mouth and Bonnie sighed in relief when Viki and Matt came out of the diner. "Can either of you give me a ride home?" Bonnie asked.
Matt nodded. "That's why we came out," he said, "Care wrapped you up a couple of pieces of cake. "
"Thanks," Bonnie smiled, weakly.
Vicki walked up and draped Bonnie's forgotten jacket around her shoulders. "They wanted to come out," Vicki whispered so only Bonnie could hear, "But I threatened to kick their asses and they thought better of it and sent us instead."
Bonnie didn't need clarification on the 'they' she was referring to. Bonnie hugged her in gratitude.
Bonnie followed Matt and Vicki to Matt's truck and Jeremy called after her. "You really want to end things like this?"
She knew he wasn't trying to call out to fight for her. Bonnie was the one that was easy to let walk away. Easy to leave. Easy to abandon. It had happened time and time again. He just needed permission and license to go after Anna. Needed to be able to say that she was the one that walked away. Bonnie shut her eyes tightly feeling like she was nothing all over again.
Things had gotten better between she and Jeremy before that night, but Bonnie realized that it was because of her own efforts to atone for her addiction. For the faithlessness it caused. It was her that was doing the work to reinvest in him and stay connected. She supposed she could tell him everything, put all her truths out on the table, but it wouldn't change the outcome. It would simply be Bonnie doing all the emotional labor as usual while adding her addiction to the list of things Jeremy could use against Bonnie to make her feel unwanted.
All it took for him to do the work for Anna was for her to show up, even if she was in the wrong. Bonnie envied that because all she had ever wanted was for someone to show up for her unconditionally. Even if it destroyed them. Even if she was a disaster. Even if she was a disappointment. Even if she deserved to be abandoned. Even if she really was nothing.
"Yeah, I want to end it like this," Bonnie said, giving Jeremy the out that he really wanted.
Bonnie continued the trek to Matt's truck, she glanced back through the windows of the restaurant to see Stefan staring out at her, Tyler looking out at her as well from behind him. She wished that her other worse impulses could be given up as easily as she had given up her relationship with Jeremy.
However, as she felt the hollowness consume her, felt the familiar feeling of being on the verge of disappearing. She knew that the breakup, as necessary as it was, was also a trigger. Knew that she would only feel real again if she had hands on her. Eyes on her. A mouth on her. Someone inside of her. Tears stung the corners of her eyes. As much as she would hate herself for it, she knew that she had to prove she was good enough, that Jeremy's rejection, and the end of their relationship didn't matter.
She knew for sure then that even though Jeremy was one of her triggers, he wasn't the source of her addiction. She knew until she found the source, the end of one cycle would only ever mean the beginning of another.
:::
Stefan Salvatore stood in the parking lot of Mystic Grill pack of cigarettes in hand. He pulled out a cigarette with shaking hands and hesitated before lighting it. He couldn't stop thinking about Bonnie's face before she left with Matt and Vicki.
The whole incident with Jeremy had been triggering, Stefan could tell. He wanted to pummel Jeremy because he knew that even worse than relapsing, what the end of the relationship would do to Bonnie's progress. Even if it was a farse of a relationship, Stefan knew it brought Bonnie some sense of security and kept her from going over the edge. He knew that even if she had left Jeremy, she would feel abandoned just the same and he knew what that could mean for her.
He wanted to help. He wanted to go see her. Talk her down. Be there for her. However, another part of him, a darker part of him wanted to take advantage of the situation and he knew with the state that she was in that Bonnie would let him.
Elena was off somewhere comforting Jeremy and justifying his behavior, even if Jeremy would be at Anna's doorstep by morning. It wouldn't take much for Stefan to slip away. Vicki wasn't there to talk him down. Lexi was helping Caroline with cleanup. Damon was drinking at the bar with Ric. Stefan took a drag of his cigarette, fingered his keys in his pocket as he stuffed the pack back inside of it.
"Hey," a deep voice said from behind him, "Can I have a smoke?"
Stefan turned to see Tyler Lockwood walking up to stand beside him. Stefan raised a brow. "You smoke?"
Tyler shrugged. "Not really. But my family has a history of alcoholism, so I try not to drink. I'm on edge though and so, something's gotta give you know."
Stefan frowned but dug the pack of cigarettes back out anyway. "You sure?"
Tyler looked uneasy for a moment. "No," he said. Tyler shook his head. Took a step back. Licked his lips and frowned. He took a deep breath and studied Stefan for a long time and then swallowed. "Fuck it," he said, "Yeah, I'm sure."
Stefan nodded. Held the pack out to Tyler and watched as the other man took a cigarette out. Stefan stuffed the pack back into his pocket and reached for his lighter, but Tyler shook his head. Stefan raised a brow as Tyler put the cigarette between his lips and leaned forward instead, using the tip of Stefan's to light his own.
Stefan watched as Tyler inhaled and blew out smoke. Thought about witnessing Tyler on his knees with his mouth on Bonnie. Stefan cleared his throat and was relieved for the distraction when Tyler spoke until he realized that Bonnie was the subject matter. "Do you think Bonnie is alright?" Tyler asked.
Stefan met his gaze and searched. "About Jeremy?"
Tyler nodded, taking the cigarette between his fingers and licking his lips again. "About Jeremy. About you. About all the shit she's been dealing with."
Stefan's eyes widened in surprise. "She told you about us?"
"Yeah," Tyler murmured, "It wasn't malicious or anything, towards me or you, I mean. She just wanted to let me down easily, you know. So, she told me about her addiction. About yours. About how she feels about you."
"How we feel about each other," Stefan corrected.
Tyler frowned. "Right," he said. He took another drag of the cigarette in his hand. "So," he said, "Do you think she's alright?"
"No," Stefan answered, honestly, "I know that Jeremy's a trigger. Hell feeling abandoned is a trigger. I want to go see her, but I don't trust myself not to take advantage."
"I get that," Tyler said, gently, "But maybe it'd be better if you did. At least you care about her. If she goes out and finds some random asshole, who knows if she'll be safe."
Stefan sighed. "Maybe you're right but it'd still be selfish, and I know she'd regret it," he said, "Maybe Jeremy's out of the picture for now but they've gotten back together before. I still have Elena to consider too." Stefan was making excuses, grasping at straws. Anything to keep his distance. But he was pretty sure they both knew the outcome. "You care about her too."
Tyler nodded. "I do," he said, "I offered to be there if she ever needed someone, until she can get a handle on things. Obviously, I wasn't being altruistic or anything, but she'd be safe with me too. I was hoping she would call me."
She might, Stefan knew, and he wouldn't hold it against her if she did. She would be safe with Tyler and unlike Stefan, Tyler was unattached. Stefan envied him at that moment. "She told you that I saw you together? The night you two fucked, I mean?"
Tyler blew out smoke and eyed Stefan warily. "Yeah, she told me."
"I hated you in that moment," Stefan confessed, "Not just because you got to fuck her, to taste her. But because you could lose yourself in it. Lose control with it. I don't have that luxury. I don't deserve it. But I took it anyway. I got to see firsthand what it's like to get her wet, make her squirm, and watch her come undone. I haven't been able to think of anything else since."
Tyler stared at him with wide eyes. "You can't just say shit like that, Stef."
Stefan shrugged. "I'm a sex addict. That's the only way I know how to communicate effectively. I'm hiding and compartmentalizing all of the time," he sighed, "It's easier to be transparent about my desires, and even then, it's only easy when I know it'll get me what I want. I'm mot a good person, Tyler."
"I don't know. Maybe, or maybe not. You have your shit. So does everyone. None of us are perfect. None of us are all good or all bad. Jeremy sure as hell wasn't a model citizen or boyfriend. Even before tonight. I don't think he's ever had Bonnie the way I have, or you have. Wouldn't matter if he had. That jackass doesn't deserve her at all," Tyler said, after a moment, "He had no idea how lucky he was. No fucking clue."
Stefan scowled. "He knew," he said, "Just didn't give a damn because he thinks she'll come back. Maybe she will. She doesn't like feeling abandoned."
"I wouldn't," Tyler declared, "Abandon her, I mean."
"Neither would I," Stefan said, "Not for anything." He would claim her. Be with her. If he was in any position to do so. If he wasn't so fucked up. If he could trust that he could keep his demons at bay. That he could be with Bonnie without feeding her demons.
"You want to go see her, don't you?" Tyler accused.
Stefan narrowed his eyes, smirked. "Don't you?"
If they both went to go see Bonnie, even if she turned Stefan away, if Tyler was there, she would have someone. As much as Stefan hated to admit it, he would find some comfort in Bonnie not being alone. It was strange to even consider, especially with how quickly things fell apart with Katherine once other people began to enter the picture. With Bonnie though, Stefan couldn't think of himself or his feelings. He could give her what she needed at any given moment and be fine with it. Even if it wasn't recovery. Even if it wasn't him. Stefan had meant what he had said to her. She could do whatever she wanted, and he would follow her lead. It was a justification Stefan knew, for bringing temptation right to her door, but it was also the truth.
Outside of all of that his own beast enjoyed seeing Bonnie finding release, experiencing pleasure. He loved the idea of her unraveling even if his only role in it was to bring Tyler to her altar. He wanted to be the one with her, the one for her. But he also got pleasure from her pleasure. From seeing her not just take but manipulate and mirror his own suffering, his own sin. It made him feel more connected with her as insane as it sounded because she was so like him in not only her virtues but in all her faults. He wanted to witness everything, to be a part of it all, to be a part of her.
Stefan dropped his cigarette on the asphalt and crushed it under his feet. "If we don't go see her, we'll worry," he commented.
"You're so full of shit, man." Tyler rolled his eyes and scoffed. "You know that's a terrible idea."
Stefan shrugged. "I've pretty much been full of terrible ideas lately."
Stefan stared out at the night silently. Even if Tyler didn't go with him, he'd go alone. He had to see her. But he waited, waited for the inevitable. He knew that Tyler would give in. He saw it in his eyes. He had seen how fiendish Tyler had been when Tyler and Bonnie were together, and Stefan understood all too well what that was like.
The silence stretched. Stefan turned back to Tyler, raised an eyebrow as he eyed him.
Tyler huffed and put out his own cigarette. "I'll drive."
:::
Bonnie sat on her couch in her apartment, hugging her knees to her chest. She tried to think of maintaining her day count. She tried to remember to take deep breaths. She tried to remember her recent successes. She tried to remember that she should be used to being alone by now. However, that led to the memory of being left; abandoned again and again. Then all she could remember was Stefan's eyes on her as she left Mystic Grill.
Bonnie shut her eyes tight. Shook her head. "You're fine," she said, to herself, "You can do this."
She hadn't changed out of her party dress, simply kicked off her shoes and sat on her couch, eyes on the cell phone she had placed on her coffee table. She had had half a mind to leave her phone with Vicki, but she knew that it wouldn't be fair of her to keep leaving her own sobriety in the girl's hands. She would have to fend for herself and if she broke, she would have to take responsibility for her own actions.
She could always go back to the string of strangers. Find a club or a bar. Bring home someone nameless and faceless and let them bleed into all the others that came before. It would almost be easier. No one would get hurt that way except for her. She wouldn't be infiltrating anyone's relationship that she knew of or taking advantage of anyone who had feelings for her. The problem was, Tyler had been right to question the safety of it. The problem was that now that she had tasted the shadow of real intimacy and felt the difference that came with being with someone who really cared about her, with both Stefan and Tyler, even if she didn't return Tyler's feelings, a new sort of addiction was surfacing. She felt a new sort of power she wanted to exercise.
Bonnie was startled as she heard a knock at her door. She opened her eyes and frowned, suspecting it could only be one of two people. She dug her nails into her knees and stayed rooted to the spot.
"You can do this," she whispered to herself, "Just don't answer the door."
Another knock came and then Stefan's voice, soft and warm. "Bonnie," he said, "Can you please open the door."
Even muffled by the barrier the sound of his voice made Bonnie melt. Bonnie closed her eyes again. He knew what he was doing. If she opened the door for him, she would know what she was doing too. "You know I can't," Bonnie called. "You should leave."
There was silence, so long and so deep Bonnie thought he had. She hated herself because her first thought was to open the door and run after him. But then, another voice came, Tyler's voice, and Bonnie saw red even as he begged. "Bonnie, please. Let us in."
"You brought Tyler, too," Bonnie yelled, to Stefan, "Why? If you came you knew I was vulnerable. You both did, and you're here. What? Did you make a bet or something? Laugh about how long it would take me to break? Flip a coin to see which one of you would get to fuck me?"
"Bonnie, no," Stefan's voice came, strained and hurt, at the same time Tyler said, "Of course not." There was silence and then shuffling. Bonnie waited. Stefan's voice came again, sounding closer. "Listen, we're sorry," he said, "I'm sorry. It was stupid to come here. Stupid and selfish. You're not entirely wrong. I'm enough of an asshole right now to be willing to take advantage of what I know to be enough of an opportunity to be with you because that's how badly I want you. Tyler is too or he wouldn't be here. But more than that, more than anything, we both care about you and we want to make sure you're alright. I care about you. I need to know you're alright."
Bonnie felt herself tremble. Needed the last words from someone, anyone down deep, and of course they came from him. "Fine," she muttered, "fine."
Bonnie stood and slowly walked towards the door. With shaking hands, she unlocked the door and turned the knob. She'd barely gotten the door open when Stefan was there, wrapping his body around her and pulling her into a hug. Bonnie clung to him even knowing that it would doom them both as Tyler stepped inside and closed the door behind him. As Bonnie heard the lock click into place, she shifted away from Stefan and took a step back.
"I'm fine," she said, "I'm in one piece. It would've happened either way, you know. I'm a disaster and he would've found out about it, and he would've left then. Anna just sped up the process tonight."
Stefan opened his mouth, but Tyler spoke first. "You're not a disaster."
When Tyler hugged her, Bonnie welcomed it. She buried her face in his chest and tried to forget what a mess everything was as she looked over at Stefan, meeting his gaze as Tyler squeezed her tightly to him.
Bonnie shook her head abruptly and pulled away from Tyler, taking another step away from them both. "You know," Bonnie said, eyeing Stefan, "You really shouldn't have come here. Not just because of my bullshit or your bullshit or our bullshit. But because even with the hiccups you have going on with Elena, you can figure things out. Being here is just going to jeopardize that."
Stefan scowled and Bonnie wasn't all that surprised when his next words came. "So, you're envious of my façade being intact because yours fell apart tonight? It's still a fucking façade, Bonnie. It doesn't' matter, you matter."
"If I mattered you wouldn't have brought temptation to my fucking door, Stefan." Bonnie shot back, more to push him away than anything else. Internally she blamed herself because she wanted this, had from the moment she'd seen their eyes on her at Mystic Grill.
Tyler stepped in between them and held up his hands. "Okay," he murmured, "Everyone just breathe, alright. This isn't going to get us anywhere."
She knew they must've sounded harsh to Tyler but that was what Bonnie and Stefan did for each other. Brought the truths outside of the façade to light, even the harsh ones. Even the ones that made them both look like the terrible people that their addictions made them.
Bonnie turned away from them both. "Why are you even here, Tyler?" she said, biting her lip and hoping to get him riled up enough to leave as well. "I already told you I don't want you."
Tyler huffed out a breath and she felt his hands on her shoulders a moment later, but she refused to turn around. "You want to hurt me right now, that's fine. Do what you need to do, but I'm here for you and I'm not going anywhere."
Before Bonnie could reply, Stefan was there moving around them to the front of her and placing his hands on Bonnie's hips. "I know you're angry and you have every right to be," he said, "But I also know you're on the verge of spiraling. I know you feel empty and abandoned and I know what happens when that happens. I wanted someone to be here for you even if it's not me."
Bonnie glared at him, trying not to let his words affect her. "You're lying," she said, "You said that things went wrong with you and Katherine when she started fucking other people. You expect me to believe you brought Tyler here for my benefit. No, you did it for you. Because if I fuck him you get to lose the last shred of respect you had for me and then you can finally put me behind you like everyone el-"
Bonnie was cut off as Stefan grabbed her face and kissed her hard on the lips. She felt Tyler's hands flex on her shoulders as she leaned in despite herself. Stefan pulled back quickly, and his eyes looked dazed when he spoke. "Fuck Katherine," he said, "Fuck Elena. Fuck Jeremy for letting you walk away from him. Look at me. I don't give a shit about anyone but you. Just you. You're forgetting that I already saw you fuck Tyler, and it only made me want you more. You could screw this entire fucking town and I would still respect you more than anyone in it. So, stop fighting me. Stop lashing out. Be honest about what you really want."
Bonnie felt herself give in more and more with each word. "I can't." Bonnie whimpered, "You can't just…you can't say that to me when you know what it'll do."
Bonnie's hands moved down his chest seemingly outside of her control and fisted in his shirt.
"I do know," Stefan nodded, "And I meant what I said. You can do whatever you want. I'll do whatever you want. Just don't push me away."
Stefan rested his forehead against Bonnie's, and she felt Tyler's hands clenching at her shoulders, but he didn't move away. "Listen," Tyler whispered, "I know the last thing you need right now is someone else walking out on you. I don't want to. I can be what you need too, as long as there's a place for me. But with whatever it is you two have going on with each other, I don't think there is."
Tyler sounded so raw and broken that Bonnie reached up and clutched his hand when he moved to pull away from her. She knew that there were many reasons for her own behavior as she pulled Tyler's arm around her and brought his hand to her lips and kissed the back of it. She knew that a part of her wanted to see if she could get them both to stay and not leave her no matter what. The part of her that was ruled by her addiction. By her abandonment issues. She knew that a part of her wanted to see if Stefan was telling the truth, if she could fuck someone right in front of him again, with everyone going into things with their eyes wide open this time and he would still be there. A part of her just wanted a buffer between whatever the hell this was between her and Stefan. A part of her wanted to give Tyler even a fraction of the devotion he showed her even if she couldn't return his feelings. All of her just wanted to feel something, anything.
"Don't go," Bonnie said, sounding a little broken herself, "I want you to stay. I want you both to stay."
Stefan leaned forward and kissed Bonnie again, slowly, gently. Stefan pulled away, and one of Tyler's hands snaked around Bonnie's neck and tilted her head back. Tyler's lips met Bonnie's hard and bruising as Stefan dropped to his knees in front of her.
And just like that Bonnie got pulled down under. Her day count gone to shit.
End Notes: So, just an FYI Bonnie and Stefan are still the main pairing, but things are going to get messy in the upcoming chapters. Please pay attention to the tags. This fic will escalate for sure. It's called seven sins for a reason. The next sin coming up is gluttony, so I'll let you guess what's next. Hope you all enjoyed this part! Until next time!