"Captain's log.
Wait, no. That makes me sound old.
Blech! That may be fine for Craig but I don't roll that way.
Let's try this again with a fresher take.
Ahem!
Captain Kuki of the New Squidbeak Splatoon here.
This is a personal report- Personnel? Personnel.
Yeah, that's the word.
This is a personnel report about the newest member of our team, Tres, AKA Agent 3, AKA Neo-3, AKA Mr. Relic Hunter. (Addendum: AKA Shiver's new boy toy.)
While Tres has yet to divulge many personnel- Personal!
Personal details about himself to me, something he is well within his right to keep private, I've managed to glean a few things about his personality through my amazing observational skill during our time working together in the Alternan depths.
At a glance Tres is a friendly Splatlandian Inkling, well mannered and competent if a bit dim in certain areas. He's someone who's taken charge of his own destiny as evident by his humble enterprise and surprising choice of company, success as an agent notwithstanding.
As much as I've grown to like the guy and am grateful for all he's done and continues to do for us I can't just sit here and sing his praises.
I would like to continue this report by addressing some of his more egregious negatives, namely his contempt for authority figures, callous disregard for protocol and questionable eagerness to act on aggressive impulses, all things Marina has hypothesized are a part of his Splatlandian origins.
His overall attitude as an agent, even if it has admittedly gotten better recently, has been a consistent source of friction for the team ever since Craig brought him on.
However, it is important to note the aforementioned friction are thankfully infrequent enough or spaced out at odd intervals that I can look past them and that our interactions throughout the past several months have been nothing but respectful and supportive on both ends.
That isn't to say when his less flattering traits do flare up they don't cause trouble for the rest of the splatoon.
I'm reminded of a particular incident some time ago about a petty argument between friends that rapidly devolved into a harrowing situation involving a soda bottle..."
Quattro hummed to himself as he stepped into the kitchen of the mansion, a particularly smug grin worn on his face after having bested Pearl, little miss self proclaimed tableturf master, at the game using a deck composed almost exclusively of trash cards. The sight of her reddened face upon defeat and the shrieking demands for a rematch that came after was worth the pain of nearly having his eardrums ruptured.
Satisfied with his victory he decided to fix himself up a mighty tuna sandwich as a way to celebrate, practically skipping his way over to the refrigerator before he started methodically rummaging through its contents to gather the ingredients needed. The fridge was packed with just about everything he could want, including several rare and expensive local delicacies Pearl wanted to try, because of course she did. It was honestly overwhelming at times.
"Come on, where are you? You can't have a sandwich without mayonnaise, it'll be all dry," Quattro muttered beneath his breath.
It was then as his fingers barely graced the lid of the mayonnaise jar that a muffled noise caught his attention. It sounded like a muffled high pitched cry, though in all likelihood it could've been anything really; the squeak of an unlubricated hinge, a chair scraping along the floor. But the sound continued anyway
It was coming from behind, it sounded like it was directed towards him. And then he heard it, his name. Or at least a part of it.
"...tro!"
"Hello?" Quattro questioned. He pulled his head out from within the fridge and turned around, briefly scanning the kitchen but saw no one. "...Hello? Anyone there?" he called again, eyes darting side to side. "Pearl, if this is some kind of prank you're only reinforcing the fact you're a sore loser. Only a noob would stack their deck full of big value cards and then whine about not being able to fit any more pieces on the board."
"...uattro!" the seemingly ethereal voice repeated, its tone even more urgent than before.
Quattro frowned, annoyed that he couldn't find the source of the sound and that his inability to detect it was cutting into his precious sandwich making time.
"I really hope this mansion wasn't built on an ancient Inkling burial ground or something..." he grumbled as he continued to stumble about, searching for something that could point him in the right direction. When suddenly his eyes are drawn to the one object in the room that looked completely out of place: a single plastic soda bottle sitting on the dining room table swirling with a mix of green and pink ink.
"What in the?" he arched his brow as he approached the bottle, leaning over it to observe its peculiar contents. At first he thought it was some kind of new never before seen drink that someone had left here... up until he witnessed three pairs of eyes blink at him from among the liquid. Quattro stumbled back, nearly tripping over a chair as a chill ran up his back. "Sweet mother of-!"
"Quattro!" It was Marie's voice, he'd recognize those pipes anywhere. It seems she'd gotten into a spot of trouble again and needed him to bail her out. A part of him felt nostalgic about the situation, the other had to resist the laughter that was threatening to spill from his throat. "Don't just stand there, get us outta here! We've been trapped in this stupid thing for like an hour!"
"We?" Quattro queried before he put two and two together. He only knew two other people with a green and pink color. "Callie? Kuki? What happened? Why are the three of you stuck in a bottle?"
"Tres happened," Kuki gurgled from within, sounding especially incensed about her less-than-stellar predicament.
"He was being a big baby about it!" Callie added in an equally distressed tone.
Quattro couldn't help but roll his eyes at Kuki and Callie's lackluster explanation. He pulled up a chair and sat down, fixing his gaze upon the bottle his friend's found themselves imprisoned in. "Elaborate," he demanded, "what fascinating chain of events transpired that landed you guys in this predicament?"
"Is this necessary?" Kuki growled. "Let us out and we'll tell you everything."
"Uh uh," Quattro denied, his smug smile back in full force. He leaned back against the chair, fidgeting to get comfortable before resting his head against clasped hands. This was a golden opportunity for him to mess with his superiors, one that he wasn't going to pass up on. He wasn't afraid to indulge in his naughty side from time to time. "I wanna hear this story without breaking my immersion. If I let you out now it wouldn't be as thrilling or suspenseful."
"There's nothing thrilling or suspenseful about what happened, Quattro, so let us out!" Marie argued, shaking the bottle as she did. "Callie's fat butt, or at least I think that's her fat butt, is pressed up against my ear!"
"Hey!" Callie protested. "My butt is shapely and plump, not fat!"
"And Kuki smells like a dead pigeon that's been baking in the sun all day!"
"Hey!" Kuki cried. "I'll have you know I smell like a bouquet of freshly plucked tulips! Besides, you're one to talk. Sweet depths below, woman. For an invertebrate you're as stiff as a board, it's like being pushed up against the corner of a desk! Maybe stretch for once in your life you lazy bum, you're like a walking pantsuit loaded up on starch!"
"Oh man, this is just too good. I gotta find the rookie after this, I wanna shake his hand," Quattro mused, an airy chuckle leaving his lips. "Now, if you trio of vacuum packed chucklenuts are done arguing amongst yourselves, perhaps it's time to regale me with the story of how you ended up trapped in there? You want out? Then start regaling, that's my price."
Quattro's ultimatum was enough to get the three to stop bickering with one another long enough to grow quiet. Being crammed into a soda bottle had a way of making people compliant.
"...Fine, we'll tell you what happened. But immediately afterwards you set us free," Kuki grumbled, leveling a glare at Quattro. "It started a little over an hour ago. Marie, Callie and I were enjoying lunch together when Tres came in and joined us. It dawned on us that we didn't know much about him and decided to get to know the guy better."
"Okay, off to a decent start," Quattro commented.
"Anywho," Callie joined in, "we broke the ice, traded stories, dabbled in some small talk and learned that Tres is quite the film buff. He loves movies and films a lot. Like, a lot, a lot. He's like the Sheldon of movies. He knows just about everything under the hot Splatland sun about the subject from production facts, trivia and plenty of other useless tidbits that's taking up space in that head of his. It's honestly quite endearing, all things considered."
"So, Tres is a big cinephile. Interesting. It's good to know there are still people out there who appreciate the magic of cinema," Quattro nodded along. "Sounds like things were going well for everyone involved, what drove him to stuff the three of you in a plastic bottle?"
"We're getting to that," Marie huffed. "See, eventually the topic of movies segued towards Callie specifically." Callie blushed profusely at the mention.
"Really now?"
"Yes, really," Marie glared. "As I was saying, Callie had brought up the fact that she was also a movie star, which made Tres utterly ecstatic. He was all too ready to geek out on us... until he recalled her starring as the main character in a certain series of widely panned movie sequels of a certain beloved science fiction franchise."
"Wait, what movie sequel- Oh... Ooooh..." Quattro blinked as realization struck him like a bolt of lightning. "I'm starting to see where this is going."
"He insulted my acting!" Callie huffed, sounding positively indignant. "Said I was the reason the franchise went downhill and held me partly responsible for destroying over forty years worth of material. The nerve of that guy and his vast knowledge of all things cinema!"
"I mean, he's not totally wrong..." Quattro mumbled quietly.
"Hey, I heard that!" Callie fumed.
"Moving on!" Kuki interjected, shoving aside the calamari cousins to make more space for herself and causing the bottle to rock back and forth.
"Things got a bit heated, words were exchanged. Tensions were rising so I stepped in to try and deescalate the situation. But you know how Marie is, got a splatling for a mouth, always shooting it off. She probably thought it was funny to slip a fast quip in and tease everyone but that was what ended up setting him off. Next thing we knew Tres had his hands around our necks and we became the brand new tenants of the crampest condominium in Splatsville."
"Is that so?" Quattro narrowed his eyes and directed his attention solely on Marie. "And what exactly was it that she said?" His voice came off as highly accusatory causing the unfortunate Inkling to cringe at the tone.
"I, er... I might've, sorta, kinda told him the 'Hyperspace Trek: Star Galaxy Battle of the Infinite Cosmos' franchise was always bad to begin with," Marie replied sheepishly, resulting in Quattro loudly facepalming himself.
"I shouldn't be surprised," Quattro breathed, slowly removing his hand from his face. "I really shouldn't be surprised, but I am anyway. Congratulations, Marie. Your smart mouth landed you in hot water, again."
"Look, it's not our fault!" Marie defended. "Tres was being completely childish about everything! He stuck us in here because he couldn't handle the truth!"
"Pfft. His actions were no less childish than you carelessly mouthing off at him and provoking his ire," he scoffed just as he was suddenly reminded of a key detail. "Hold up. I can understand Tres losing his temper at Callie and Marie, but what did you do to end up there along with them, Kuki?"
"Er... Heh, heh. About that," Kuki began nervously. "You see, I might've, sorta, kinda agreed with Marie on her assessment of the 'Hyperspace Trek: Star Galaxy Battle of the Infinite Cosmos' franchise."
Quattro sighed heavily at the explanation. He took a deep breath before finally speaking, "This is why you're all still single. You don't respect a guy's romance."
"That is completely irrelevant to the conversation at hand," Kuki barked. "But that doesn't make the comment hurt any less."
"Yeah, yeah. You're all regular bachelorettes, is that what you want to hear?" he smirked.
"No, what I want to hear is that you'll finally get us out of this frickin' thing!"
"Oh, of course I will," Quattro's smirk grew wider than before as a glint of mischievousness twinkled in his eyes. "...For a raise."
"...What?!" Kuki bellowed furiously, causing the bottle to hop up and down on the table. "Quattro, you duplicitous sea dog, that wasn't part of the deal!"
"I am altering the deal, pray I do not alter it further," Quattro noted ominously.
"Are you seriously taking advantage of the situation to extort us?!" Marie snapped.
"Eh, extortion is such a strong word. I prefer the term, aggressive negotiations," Quattro hummed, a look of glee plastered across his visage. "And the way I see it, you don't exactly have much room to be making demands when I hold all the cards, or in this case, bottle. So, make a choice, give me the raise I feel I deserve or I can leave you alone for another hour and get back to making my tuna sandwich."
"...Alright, alright, fine! How much more do you want," she asked.
"Three hundred percent," Quattro replied coolly.
"T-t-three hundred percent-!"
"And I want dental included too. You don't think these chompers are naturally this gleaming and pearlescent do you?" he gestured to his stunning beak.
"You can't be serious!" Marie's voice dripped with incredulity.
"Well maybe if you paid your clandestine operatives a decent wage I wouldn't have to resort to strong arming you into getting what I want, have you ever thought of that, miss idol?!" Quattro sharply retorted as he brought the bottle up to eye level and stared down his fellow co-workers. "I've named my price, in exchange for your freedom it's practically a pittance. So make your choice."
"Marie, just give him what he wants!" Callie whined, shifting about wildly in the container. "I can't take this anymore! I'm sticky, Kuki stinks and my bladder is going to explode!"
"Okay!" Marie shouted, finally conceding to Quattro's demands. "I'll talk it over with Kuki about your raise and we'll prepare you a stipend right away, now let us out!"
"There, was that so hard?" Quattro chuckled as he casually twisted the cap off on the bottle and emptied its contents out onto the kitchen table. Green and pink ink splattered every which way, making a mess of the kitchen that would evaporate soon enough.
Kuki, Callie and Marie all spilled out in their squid forms, flopping onto the now ink-stained table with a wet plop before hastily morphing back into their humanoid forms and taking in fresh air. They wasted no time in scrambling back onto their feet, relishing in their newfound mobility in the same way an infant would after learning how to walk. Relief, however, quickly turned into distress as they studied their bedraggled condition.
"Eugh, I'm covered in soda, and I think Kuki's trademark odor rubbed off on me," Callie bemoaned, shuddering at the unpleasant sensation. "I need a shower."
"I think I speak for all of us when I say we could use a wash," Marie groaned. "Maybe we can finally get Kuki to smell clean too."
"Oh, hardy-har-har, Marie. Always gotta get the last word in, don't you?" Kuki sneered. "I hope the water can soften you up, then you wouldn't be such a stiff."
"Ahem," Quattro cleared his throat, drawing everyone's attention to him. "I'll be expecting my check in the mail," he reminded them as he marched back over to the refrigerator. "And send my regards to the rookie if you see him. I respect anyone who can pull off this kind of stunt and get away with it."
"Oh, he's gonna be getting a lot more than just your regards," Kuki muttered.
"You know, what I don't get is why didn't one of you just use your suckers to get a grip under the cap and unscrew it. I mean it's not like he welded the cap shut or anything," Quattro mentioned offhandedly, leaving the others in a bout of stunned silence.
"...I'm heading to the bathroom," Callie grumbled.
"Tres was reprimanded, of course, though, not immediately.
I had to wait a day for him to cool off before speaking with him, lest we have a repeat of what happened.
Initially, I thought he would be embittered, instead he formally apologized to Marie, Callie and I about the entire ordeal. He was genuinely sorry for losing his temper like that and, annoyingly, took his punishment in stride.
I should've known better than to punish a glorified trashman by having him clean the toilets of the headquarters. On the bright side, I can do my business on the shiniest toilet this side of the planet.
In the end, the incident did little to impact our working and personal relationship. If anything I think it's only gotten better. He was willing to accept responsibility for what he had done and set out to rectify his mistakes. I don't know about what others opinions might be but that's the sort of character that I can get behind.
More importantly, he's still willing to share his love of cinema with us, going as far as to look past his petty dislike of Callie's role in the sequels for 'Hyperspace Trek: Star Galaxy Battle of the Infinite Cosmos' and gush about her better appearances, something she was all too ready to take advantage of.
Still, that brief flash of anger is concerning. I can't say for certain but I think it's not just some quirky personality trait. There's more to it, something deeper. Although I'm in no position to be psychoanalyzing anyone. The best I can do is try to curb it as best I can and foster the good he already has. He clearly doesn't like blowing up on us, or anyone for that matter, over random things.
As captain of the New Squidbeak Splatoon I have to look out for him, just like he looks out for me.
This is Captain Kuki, signing off.
(Addendum: Curse Quattro and his cunning! Why didn't I come up with a way to get more money? He makes more than I do now!)"
A/N: Howdy everyone. I've been tied up recently and haven't had many opportunities to continue writing The Suckling, which sucks because I have the clear idea in my head of what I want the next chapter to be, I just can't put down the words. That and Splatoon 3 has been kind of been a wild west for the past 2 months, you probably know what I mean.
In any case, I hope you enjoy this bonus chapter/side content, something written on a whim to keep the cobwebs out of my head, while I get some things squared away. The story is not abandoned for anyone who is concerned. At least, I have no plans to abandon it, I want to see it finished just as much as you, my awesome readers, do. Thank you and have a wonderful time.