A/N: Not much to say except to apologise for the delay. I recently got married and wedding planning is a killer! But also just gotta pat myself on the back for progressing past Chapter 13. Check out the End Notes. Enjoy!
Recap: A quick recap of Chapter 13: Elizabeth and Darcy started on a new footing, Elizabeth showcased her musical talent, Lady Sybil tried to convince Darcy to sing but did not succeed but not before the kids got a promise from him, Darcy had some thoughts about Elizabeth and Lady Sybil left (for a little while).
Chapter Summary: The Pemberley residents have a lot to celebrate and Governess and Master tread new ground.
Track: "Stars and Butterflies" - Pride & Prejudice (2005)
Lady Sybil's departure signalled the first true step that Elizabeth and Darcy took to bridge the gap. There was no one to pretend to tolerate each other in front of or appease. They would now have to see if their shared interest to ensure the wellbeing of the children would lead to them working together not against each other.
For his part, Darcy did not renege on his promise. Elizabeth had still been wary that without Lady Sybil present to be a voice of reason, Darcy would revert to his old ways. However, the children's lessons and their schedule had not been interrupted. At least not negatively. What had happened was that Darcy had added to their activities by adding time with him.
Beginning from the week of Lady Sybil's departure, Darcy was now making a couple of visits a week to the children's nursery to observe their lessons. Though he deemed himself an additional student rather than a supervisor.
The first time it happened Elizabeth had had to take a moment to collect herself from the sheer shock of it all.
On the second day of their lessons after Lady Sybil had departed, Darcy knocked on the nursery door followed by a low and slightly uncertain, "I hope I am not intruding."
Elizabeth, who had been casually strolling around the room midway through reading out words for the children to spell, faltered on the next word and turned around sharply towards the source of the voice she recognised all too well.
She did not like how she felt like she had been caught doing something naughty when she was only delivering her lesson as she normally would. Except for the last few months Darcy's normal had not been Elizabeth's normal. So in the few seconds it took Darcy to knock, speak and slowly walk into the room with an excited greeting from Rosie and a shy smile from Archie, Elizabeth had already readied her defences.
All was for nought as Darcy focused his attention on his children.
"What are we learning today?" Darcy asked the pair.
"We are working on our spelling!," said Rosie with her usual excitement. "Miss Bennet says this will also improve our writing."
At this, Darcy glanced at Elizabeth before returning his focus to his children. Elizabeth realised that she had been rooted to the spot he had found her. She cleared her throat.
"Was there anything I can help you with, sir?" She said all this while returning to her desk. She assumed he was there to observe. If he had wanted to speak to her, he would have sent one of the footmen to summon her. So situating herself at her desk seemed the safest option if she was to have his critical eye scrutinising her. Elizabeth started shuffling her papers randomly for lack of something to do while she awaited his response.
"Not particularly," Darcy responded with a neutral tone. "I merely wanted to join in the lessons."
Elizabeth paused in her aimless task and looked at him.
"You want to learn with us?" Rosie asked. If she had been excited before at seeing her father, Rosie was now ecstatic at the prospect of spending time with him.
"Yes, I would. Provided you, Archie and Miss Bennet do not mind?" Darcy looked from Rosie and settled his attention on Archie.
Archie shook his head vigorously. He seemed lost for what to say judging by his mouth which a moment before had been slightly open with shock but he recovered quickly enough to quip, "But I am not sure how quickly you can catch up on all of our lessons." Archie had said it matter of factly but he could not contain the smile he cast his father.
Elizabeth was processing far too much to be able to appreciate the moment of levity between father and son which a week ago had not been possible. Her mind was occupied with questioning the true motive behind Darcy framing a lesson he would be observing as something he would be partaking in for the sake of his children. Well either case would be for the sake of his children but the intent was what was different. If he was to observe with the intent to criticise then Elizabeth would know where she stood with him. She hated being under his scrutiny but she had become accustomed to the discomfort. However, the challenge presented by him essentially blending in as part of his observation was entirely new territory. She did not have a precedent for what he was suggesting save for the time in the kitchens when he tried his hand at assisting her with making tea. And even then their attempt at being civil had still been too fresh to truly signify.
So even though the rational part of her could recognise that this may (emphasis on may, as it was important to take caution) have been his attempt to truly lay down arms, Elizabeth could not reconcile this new reality. Would he allow her to conduct the lessons as she wished? It was one thing to agree to something and another to then see the agreed upon scenario in motion after which one may be persuaded to second guess their agreement. What would it mean for him to sit and watch her be the truest self she ever was with his children? Would he take kindly to the terms of endearment that often slipped out or the affection she extended to the children by hugging them or rubbing their hair as a form of comfort?
Most pressing of these thoughts was the increased proximity and familiarity this would cause. Their weekly meetings were going to continue, so did this mean these observations were to be a regular occurrence? And if so, at what frequency? She was already finding that ever since the greenhouse incident, being around Darcy was…distracting, to say the least. He had always occupied her thoughts since their first encounter but recently she found herself always drifting and over-thinking interactions with him. Like now, Elizabeth realised.
With that thought Elizabeth looked up to find Darcy and his children looking at her. No doubt she had been addressed but had been too preoccupied with her thoughts to comprehend and respond.
"Are you well, Miss Bennet?" asked Rosie.
"Apologies, I was lost in all the paperwork."
Darcy's raised brow told her he could see right through her lie, although she was reassured that he could not read minds and know what her train of thought had been. However, she suspected he had an idea if the slight upturn of his lips was anything to go by.
"I should apologise for springing this on you, Miss Bennet" Darcy made to leave. "I will-".
"No, please!" Elizabeth called out, finally moving away from the sanctuary of her desk. "I apologise for being rather ungracious. You are of course welcome to join in the lessons. The children would love that. Won't you children?"
Archie and Rosie nodded enthusiastically.
"You can situate yourself wherever you wish," said Elizabeth with a flourish of her hand.
Darcy nodded, moving to take an adult sized chair from one corner of the room.
Elizabeth returned to her desk and stood behind it, ready to resume the lesson.
"Please continue as if I had never interrupted," said Darcy. He was now sitting just behind Archie. Rosie was handing him a sheet of paper and Archie extended his pencil. Darcy smiled fondly at his children.
"I am quite comfortable at my desk," said Elizabeth, knowing how she much preferred to have free reign around the room.
"Archie, how does Miss Bennet usually conduct her lessons?"
Archie looked from his father to Miss Bennet. "It depends on the lesson."
Darcy's lips quirked slightly. He had already received his answer in an indirect way, for if Elizabeth always sat or stood at her desk then Archie would have easily said so. "Well how does she usually conduct the lesson on spelling?" Darcy rephrased his question.
"She strolls around and sometimes checks on our progress. If we do not spell a word correctly, she sounds it out again or writes it on the board for us to see." Archie said all this with a proud smile.
Elizabeth tried her best to return his smile though her nerves were preventing her ability to truly feel the warmth of his smile. After all this could be ammunition for Darcy to use against her.
"Then by all means, Miss Bennet, please conduct your lesson as you would if I was not here."
What disarmed Elizabeth more about that moment was Darcy's general demeanour. He seemed nonchalant, as if all this was a regular occurrence. It was unnerving.
This time though, Elizabeth stopped herself before she could spiral and merely nodded. She moved forward to be closer to the children and resumed her lesson all the while always being acutely aware of the presence of their father.
After that lesson, she had hoped Darcy's presence would not be significant. Elizabeth had become accustomed to anticipating his arrival and she could even fool herself into believing that his presence did not affect her as she tried her best to conduct her lessons as if he was not present and watching her with his unreadable expression. However, Elizabeth was always struck by how her stomach seemed to unknot and her muscles relaxed whenever he would finally depart. He never stayed for more than a planned lesson, so often it could be anything from a half an hour or an hour in their presence. But the emotional and mental turmoil Elizabeth went through leading up to, during and after the lesson was starting to take its toll.
Most likely as a sign of good will, Darcy always gave her notice of which lessons he would join. And while Elizabeth appreciated this, as it made it seem less like an ambush or a tactic to catch her out, the resulting anticipation was akin to torture. One morning she had admonished herself when she realised she had been checking her appearance in the mirror. It was not that Elizabeth did not generally do so, for she did care about her appearance, but what she did not usually do when checking her appearance was think about whether Darcy would notice the contrast of her dress against her complexion. The very thought had her huffing out of her room.
She could however cast aside her own worries and appreciate how his presence added to his relationship with his children. Rosie was more than happy to assist her father with knowing where all the resources were located depending on the lesson he attended. But a marked improvement was in Archie's engagement. He had taken to creating space on his small desk for Darcy to use in some of the lessons. Darcy for his part would check in with both children, but made a point of checking with Archie more for any corrections which always boosted Archie's confidence.
Elizabeth knew it was all for show to better engage with his children but this only warmed her heart to see him in this light. And it did not help her efforts to banish any thoughts about how his smile transformed his face.
Elizabeth had relayed some of these thoughts (the ones not related to Darcy's appearance or her sudden fascination with looking in the mirror on the days he would attend lessons) to Jane in a letter she had sent since the new normal. And Jane had been Jane about the whole thing, choosing to focus less on Elizabeth's anxiety and more on what this truly meant for the Darcy family and Elizabeth's role in all this.
"...You have truly made a difference to all of them. I know you will deny it but I have evidence of the state of affairs merely a month ago! So to hear that now Mr Darcy and his children are becoming more familiar is truly heartwarming.
I know his presence and this change unnerves you as it can be difficult to view one as a foe for so long and now suddenly have to consider them a friend (and I only use this word as a generalisation for I know that you would not view your employer as such). But perhaps, it is good to look at this situation outside of yourself for there is so much more to be gained from that observation. You are after all transforming a whole family…"
Elizabeth had always found Jane's letters to be comforting but this was the first time she felt frustration at not being able to counter her sister's points in person instead of being relegated to a letter. She chose to characterise Jane's letter as her sister misreading the situation. However, she knew Jane was only responding based on the limited information Elizabeth provided. Fearing what putting any of her treacherous thoughts about Darcy on paper would mean, Elizabeth had started withholding information from her sister. Elizabeth could not yet admit that at times she caught herself observing Darcy in a way that was not appropriate for a servant to do so regarding her employer.
She did wish she could explain that, though this change was good for the children it did not mean she enjoyed how the increased exposure to their father was chipping away at her sanity.
Thankfully, Elizabeth received an opportunity to relieve some of her anxiety when Darcy, Georgiana and herself were invited to a lunch in celebration of Mr Milford's birthday. Charlotte had invited a handful of the parishioners, owing to the Milfords' modest home which could not accommodate all members of the parish. Charlotte had even contemplated having a large picnic on parish grounds to accommodate everyone but settled on the smaller celebration as she did not want to distract from what the day was about, which was celebrating another year of her husband's life.
"Of course, the parishioners will be of the view that they owe him and would like to repay the favour for his hard work and dedication," said Charlotte as the pair were strolling home a week before the planned lunch. "However, I feel James-," Charlotte chuckled at her informal address of her husband but still wore an indulgent smile as she continued, "- Mr Milford, does a lot for others and I would like for this to be his special treat with a few of the people he views as friends."
Elizabeth was always struck by how much affection her friend had for her husband and in return he for her. It was not something she had been accustomed to with her parents who often seemed to tolerate each other rather than truly hold any desire to be around the other. It did not mean that had never been the case for her parents but what she observed with the Milfords was that their relationship had matured to one of mutual respect and friendship.
She had wondered if she would ever experience such a love. But she knew dwelling on these thoughts would do her no good. She would only be reminded of how her conviction to marry for love was slightly hindered by her role as a governess which removed her from most social circles and prevented her from meeting the opposite sex in any significant way.
On the day of the lunch, Elizabeth had allowed the children to have some leisure time. She did not need to prepare for long as her wardrobe was simple but she had asked Bessie to assist her with pinning her hair into one of the more fashionable buns while some of her curled locks framed her face. For everyday wear, she usually pulled all her hair back as this was the most efficient style she had mastered to prepare for the day as she did not have the luxury of someone to help her style it even if she had wished. As such Bessie's services were always appreciated.
As September was still relatively warm, Elizabeth chose a short sleeved dress made of muslin which she matched with a shawl in case the weather took a turn. The dress was nothing extraordinary with its light green colour and she knew if she was not a governess and viewed as being apart from society rather than part of it, some of the ladies in society would find it unfashionable.
Elizabeth chuckled, conjuring the image of the Bingley sisters who, on their last visit, had always looked at her with pity, no doubt feeling that her simple wardrobe was a sort of punishment. Elizabeth had grown accustomed to not having what society would consider the best. Her father had after all tried his best to indulge his daughters in what would be considered the latest fashions in their small society but the Bennets had always had to economise. The beauty of having four sisters was that sharing was never difficult.
Once Elizabeth finished dressing she headed to the entrance hall where Georgiana had advised her they would meet and proceed to the carriage. As she could use the servants' entrances Elizabeth now regularly took shortcuts to make her way around Pemberley. However, whenever she had the opportunity to be in the entrance hall she was always struck by the sheer opulence of Pemberley which still managed to be elegant.
As she arrived in the entrance hall, Elizabeth took some time to once again observe the mural, spinning around slowly to take in all the aspects.
"It was commissioned by my great grandfather," Darcy's voice carried across the hall.
She had not heard him approach, no doubt he had come from his study judging on the direction he arrived.
Darcy's presence these days threw Elizabeth off kilter, more than he had previously done. There was less dread, though the anxiety was still there but it now made her feel vulnerable.
When he first spoke she clutched her shawl to her chest, startled by his voice after a moment of silence and solitude. Darcy continued his approach, his steps slow and deliberate as if he was approaching a frightened animal. Not being one who liked to be cornered, Elizabeth relaxed and loosened her hands to return to their low position around her waist with her shawl draping loosely around her. She hoped she conveyed a nonchalance she did not feel.
His slow progress and the distance between them gave Elizabeth plenty of time to take in his appearance, a regular occurrence now for she always seemed to notice things about him these days. She imagined he was a difficult man to not notice considering his height drew attention to him easily in a crowd and his wealth helped him dress in the finest fashions. Though he always kept things understated.
Like today where he was dressed in a dark green tailcoat, beige trousers and boots to compliment the look. Not a hair was out of place even though (and she cringed at the realisation that she knew this detail) she had noticed that his hair had a natural curl that often led to a few strands naturally falling on his forehead.
When her eyes landed on his face, she noticed he had been observing her. Elizabeth abruptly turned to look at the ceiling once more, suddenly feeling exposed despite her layers of clothing. She drew the shawl tighter around her.
As Darcy neared where she stood, stopping a few feet away from her, he continued his commentary on the mural. "Have you yet had the privilege of knowing its history?"
"Not much beside the year it was completed and its name," she supplied, thankful that her voice did not betray her inner turmoil. She could not bring herself to look at him.
"My great grandfather was inspired by the political climate at the time." There was silence and Elizabeth (still not looking at Darcy but aware of him in her periphery) assumed he was taking in some of the aspects of the mural.
"My father-," at this, Darcy hesitated before he eventually continued. "My father once said that before the hall was redecorated to its current state, this was his least favourite part of the house."
Elizabeth looked at him then and caught the tail end of a smile that was tinged with sadness. This was the first time she had heard of the senior Mr Darcy outside of mentions by the housekeeper, Mrs Reynolds.
"It is a beautiful piece," said Elizabeth, for lack of something to say. It was the truth at least.
Her mind was too preoccupied thinking about how (with the exception being the time in his study when he mentioned Fordyce's sermons) they were having a conversation that did not pertain to the children or her behaviour.
This unfurled another thought. That in this moment she could be one of the young gentlewomen, unshackled by the rules of society who was at an art gallery or museum and happened to be approached by a young gentleman who shared an interest in what she was observing and used the opportunity to know her better.
"Pray, Miss Bennet, might I inquire if you have a fondness for art?"
In this imaginary world Darcy very much fitted the image of this gentleman.
She looked away fixing her eye on one of the pieces adorning the walls of the entrance hall and truly pondered the question. Jane had always been more of the artist but it did not mean she did not admire the form. "I do not deem myself to be an expert, but I do admire the beauty of some pieces."
Before she could over think the moment, and feeling compelled to do the polite thing and enquire about his own interest, Elizabeth said, "Do you have a fondness for art, sir?"
There was a pause.
"It greatly depends on the piece," replied Darcy.
When she finally looked at him, she was expecting him to be taking in the other pieces around his home; however, his eyes were trained on her.
She could not look away. There was a warmth in his gaze that she had never witnessed directed towards her. He seemed to be pondering something. Was he imagining something similar to what she had been imagining in a society where they were equals?
But this was not an imaginary world and soon reality beaconed her forward.
"Forgive me for my tardiness," came Georgiana's voice as she sprinted down the grand staircase.
Darcy stepped away from Elizabeth towards his sister. Somehow in their brief conversation, he had ended up close enough that a couple more steps and their arms would have bumped. The last few moments might as well not have happened for Darcy's demeanour did not indicate that anything was amiss. Elizabeth's rapidly beating heart indicated otherwise.
Georgiana seemed agitated. "I had prepared quite early so that I could take time to write some correspondence. The next moment, Mrs Reynolds was waking me up to inform me it was time to depart." She finished the sentence just as she reached the last step.
Georgiana paused, closing her eyes, collecting herself. It was rare to see her in such a state.
"Do not fret sister. We have not been waiting long," said Darcy with a reassuring smile.
Georgiana smiled back, grateful. "My apologies Miss Bennet, I promised to meet you here."
"There is nothing to forgive, we are meeting now are we not?" said Elizabeth, also offering Georgiana a smile. Georgiana's presence at least helped Elizabeth calm herself.
Georgiana took a moment to observe the pair. Elizabeth worried if there was anything indicating her interaction with Darcy. Georgiana instead smiled, "However, had I known green was the colour of the day I would have worn something green."
Elizabeth looked at Darcy and then down at her own dress as if only realising what she was wearing. She schooled her features hoping the flush she could feel would not spread.
Darcy thankfully did not acknowledge his sister's observation but merely chuckled and extended his arm for Georgiana to take as he directed them outside.
Taking a moment to rationalise that this was simply coincidental coordination, Elizabeth collected herself and then followed the pair.
Darcy though had noticed. Not in the way which had him thinking on it more than as a passing thought. But when he had first happened upon Elizabeth in the entrance hall, he had taken in her appearance from a distance, noting the green dress.
He had surprised himself with how he chose to engage with her regarding the mural. It was not planned. He only knew that lately he had wanted to show Elizabeth that he was trying to be civil. It was also his way of making amends.
During the moments he allowed himself to reflect on his behaviour towards Elizabeth since she arrived at Pemberley, he was not pleased with his actions. He would try to rationalise that in the moment his approach had been justified. After all Elizabeth had been wilful and ignorant to his demands. However, when he thought about how he had crowded her in the green house, berated her after the rain incident or even when he refused to listen to her suggestions for what his children needed, he was embarrassed by his own arrogance and pride which hindered him from acting in a more gentlemanlike manner.
And with these realisations and their agreement to put their differences aside and focus on the children's wellbeing, Darcy had been trying to bridge the gap. He had seen how his wish to join in on the children's lesson had seemed to unsettle Elizabeth. Even when he had now been regularly visiting the children, Elizabeth was always subdued. The moment he walked into the nursery, her smile or general warmth would diminish. Her face would settle into neutrality, not showing any annoyance or irritation but she would not allow her face to betray her emotions. When he observed some of her lessons that she conducted outside (he did this as discreetly as possible by either taking a walk around the time her and the children were outside or ensuring whatever he and Mr Thorpe had to discuss involved a feature that brought them in proximity), Elizabeth always seemed animated but when he joined their lesson she would mostly be stationary. Occasionally her mask would slip and she would either enthusiastically respond to one of the children's many questions or cheerfully praise them when they answered correctly.
As the trio settled in the carriage which would take them to the Milfords, with Elizabeth sitting next to Georgiana and Darcy sitting across from the pair, Darcy pondered the damage wrought that it would take some time before Elizabeth could trust him. He knew that most employers would scoff at the idea of worrying about a servant's feelings but he also knew he was not like most employers. The people who worked for him mattered, for they provided a crucial service that ensured Pemberley would live on. Elizabeth may have been the exception for a while with them being at odds, but he was aware of her impact on his children.
He was still not certain what this new phase meant for their working relationship, but he knew that for the sake of the children he would keep trying even if it meant having awkward conversations in entrance halls. As the carriage passed through Pemberley grounds, Darcy recalled the strange warmth he had felt during the brief conversation with Elizabeth. Excitement was not quite the right word but in that moment he had wanted to share the history of Pemberley. He felt Elizabeth would be a captive audience with such conversations. He recalled her previous compliments about Pemberley when she had gone into great detail about its beauty.
For most of the ride he tried to focus his attention on the surroundings they passed, only occasionally contributing to the conversation when Georgiana drew him in. He admired Elizabeth's ability to engage his sister in conversation as if they were longtime companions. He supposed it came naturally considering Elizabeth was surrounded by sisters her whole life. Georgiana had always been quite lonely and no matter how much Darcy had tried to be the sibling, he was limited by having to play the parental figure after the passing of their parents. It did not help that Georgiana was significantly younger and his responsibilities often kept Darcy away from Pemberley. Despite this, Darcy had always tried his best ensuring that when he was at Pemberley, Georgiana was his priority. And Lady Sybil did her best to fill the void.
But with Elizabeth around, Darcy saw where Georgiana could have benefitted from more women around her. Elizabeth's easy manners and ability to engage in conversation on varied topics was a contrast to Georgiana's shyness and tendency to be introspective, but this opposition was a benefit instead of a hindrance as Elizabeth seemed to mould the conversation to things that interested Georgiana enough for her to talk more. Unlike other ladies Georgiana had interacted with who tended to talk at Georgiana than to her (Caroline Bingley was not too far off this description), Elizabeth asked questions and listened before offering her opinion.
Darcy wanted to laugh at himself for the unfortunate way they had started. The antagonism had clouded his judgement. Seeing how Georgiana was smiling at whatever response Elizabeth had provided, Darcy remembered Lady Sybil's insistence that Elizabeth was an asset rather than a liability. After all he was now interacting with his children better and after the unfortunate events the previous summer, Georgiana was now more of herself with the added bonus of having a companion.
All this culminated in Darcy not being able to resist Elizabeth's infectious smile. Even when it was not directed towards him, he was drawn in, rendered powerless against its effect. Not to mention how her eyes reflected her uninhibited joy.
Like now, when Georgiana said something that had Elizabeth laughing and in her relaxed state Elizabeth looked at him, and Darcy did not look away. He felt his lips also turning up into a half smile, unbidden and indulgent. For how long they looked at each other, he was not certain but he saw Elizabeth come to some sort of realisation. Maybe that smiling at him was not natural to her? Her smile faltered and she briefly glanced at his lips, and catching herself she looked back into his eyes before mimicking his previous posture and focusing her sight outside the carriage.
Darcy did not dwell on how he had also looked at her lips and been reminded of the moment in the greenhouse when he had almost kissed her. A moment he cursed for not only his loss of control but his twisted sense of regret at not giving into the impulse.
With his subject of interest avoiding him, Darcy resolved to also focus his attention elsewhere and set his gaze on the opposite side of the carriage.
Meanwhile, as the trio neared the Milfords' residence, Elizabeth was also trying and not completely succeeding to banish all thoughts about her latest encounter with Darcy, including the moment that had just passed when she had caught him looking at her. Darcy seemed to do that a lot lately. She always tried not to analyse what he could be thinking but in moments such as the one that had just passed, Elizabeth was shocked at the emotions she could see. Longing, admiration and…something else she did not want to decipher for it spelled trouble.
It was only a source of confusion about where exactly she stood with Darcy. Admiration she could accept as it could pertain to her skills as a governess. But to think that there was any sense of longing or worse, desire, that Darcy felt in relation to her was concerning. Elizabeth had tried to ignore the moment in the greenhouse, choosing to characterise it as a symptom of the moment. But lately, she was not so confident to dismiss what that moment had signified.
As the carriage stopped at the Milfords' gate, Elizabeth tried to set her thoughts aside to focus on the lunch ahead.
For their part, Charlotte and her husband welcomed the trio with much merriment.
"Lizzie! I am so glad you could join us," said Charlotte as she embraced her friend. Elizabeth tried her best to be enthused in her response but when all she could offer back was a toothless smile, Charlotte narrowed her eyes observing her.
Sensing that Charlotte wanted to ask more, Elizabeth simply said in as low a voice as possible to prevent their companions from hearing, "We will talk later". She squeezed Charlotte's hand before continuing inside.
A few more guests arrived to make it a party of sixteen. Charlotte was the perfect hostess, welcoming guests to their home and explaining the purpose of the lunch. Her husband looked on adoringly as she briefly listed his many achievements and characteristics that made him worthy of being spoiled for once.
Elizabeth could feel her eyes seeking out Darcy but thankfully his position next to Georgiana, who was seated between them, made it difficult to see his face. She wondered if moments like this reminded him of his own short lived marriage. Would he have looked at Mrs Darcy in the same way as Mr Milford was looking at his wife? Would the Darcy of that time have been more affectionate? Her train of thought had her admonishing herself for getting lost in things that did not concern her.
It was only when Charlotte approached her that she realised she had been caught up in her thoughts long enough that Charlotte had concluded her speech and the few guests were now mingling while they waited for the meal to be served.
"I need a second opinion on one of the desserts, why don't you come with me?" said Charlotte, not giving Elizabeth an opportunity to respond.
Charlotte led her into the kitchen where a couple of servants were preparing the meal and only paused briefly to check in with the cook before continuing outside to the vegetable garden where they could no doubt have some privacy, for it was far away from the drawing room the guests were gathered in.
"I do not think you can enjoy this gathering if you do not speak what is on your mind. What is troubling you Lizzie?" said Charlotte. Her brow furrowed in concern.
Elizabeth appreciated Charlotte's familiarity with her such that she could tell that something was amiss. "Oh Charlotte," sighed Elizabeth. She rubbed her face in an uncharacteristic and very unladylike manner (had her mother been observing her she would have had a fit). She was not sure where to begin with articulating her thoughts. "What is that saying? Better the devil you know?" It was a rhetorical question but she still looked to Charlotte as if waiting for confirmation.
"What has Mr Darcy done now?" asked Charlotte, frustratedly.
Elizabeth laughed humorlessly, wishing she could be relaying to her friend that Darcy had done something egregious again. "He has been…civil."
"I would have thought that is what you wanted?"
"Yes! Of course, after all these months we can finally have a conversation without arguing," said Elizabeth, throwing her arms in the air.
"So what is wrong, Lizzie?" asked Charlotte.
"That is the thing. Nothing is wrong!" laughed Elizabeth once more, almost hysterical.
Charlotte tried to speak but Elizabeth continued. "Things are as they should have been from the beginning. Civil, cordial. But now I feel lost. I do not know how to reconcile this new Mr Darcy with the version I initially experienced. It was horrible, but I knew I was always prepared for battle." She chuckled. "Now I barely know how to converse without overthinking what I am saying and whether in being civil, I may be making myself vulnerable for more criticism for being too familiar."
Elizabeth had now resolved to crouch by one of the vegetable beds and was absentmindedly deweeding. Yet another indictment if her mother had been present. Deweeding without gloves was a sin according to her mother.
"What is worse is the guilt I feel for concerning myself with such trivialities when this new norm has benefitted the children immensely. You should see them Charlotte. Their father's presence, even his participation in their lessons has truly transformed them." Elizabeth paused for a moment. She took a couple of breaths before continuing with her task.
Charlotte gave her friend a moment before finally speaking. Charlotte came to crouch beside Elizabeth and extended a hand to draw her in for a hug.
"It seems a lot has been on your mind," said Charlotte.
Elizabeth sighed, feeling the weight of all she had been carrying being lifted. She knew that there was more, like the treacherous thoughts about Darcy, but if she could not share this with Jane she felt she could not yet share with Charlotte. She did not know what such a revelation or admitting to having such thoughts would lead to.
"I am sorry Lizzie that all this started on such a bad note that now, actually experiencing a normal situation has you lost for what to do. Do you act as you always do with the children? Or must you now become something else? Is your master waiting to pull the rug from under you?"
Elizabeth looked to Charlotte, surprised at how well her friend understood her situation. Her eyes watered slightly, the sense of gratitude overwhelming her. She closed her eyes to reign in her emotions.
Charlotte rubbed her back and remained silent for a moment. When Elizabeth finally opened her eyes, Charlotte continued.
"What I can understand from what you have told me is that you and Mr Darcy have a long way to go before relations are normal. Or at least before you have created enough of a new normal to feel comfortable. Yet, you appreciate that all this is for the benefit of the children." Charlotte smiled. "I commend you Lizzie. Not many governesses would withstand the treatment you have from Mr Darcy and still be able to show their charges the affection and care you have shown those children. So do not fret my dear friend. Look at this for what it is. A fresh start. And with any fresh start there are bound to be challenges. Give yourself the grace and allowance to adjust."
Elizabeth hugged Charlotte pouring all her gratitude into that moment. Through her wisdom, Charlotte had provided some much needed clarity.
"Thank you Charlotte," said Elizabeth as she pulled back to look at Charlotte.
"There is nothing to thank me for," laughed Charlotte. "You knew all this, you just needed another voice to give you some perspective."
"It does not matter, I am still very grateful," said Elizabeth, smiling freely since arriving at her friend's home.
Charlotte helped them stand. They both had to shake out their legs slightly as their crouched positions had left them slightly numb. Laughing at their no longer nimble limbs, the pair walked back to the house but before they entered the kitchen, Charlotte shared another thought.
"You aren't alone in this you know?"
Elizabeth's eyes narrowed in confusion.
Charlotte continued. "Mr Darcy may be better at hiding it, but I believe underneath his cool exterior he is just as uncertain about this situation. When you spend so long viewing someone in one regard, it is not easy to change that view. And he most likely had placed you into a very particular box. But now here you both are. It can't be easy. What is it I said those months ago when you had just started the position?"
Charlotte paused dramatically as if waiting for Elizabeth to respond to a rhetorical question. "You need time. Just as you needed time back then, you need time now to get used to this new norm."
Elizabeth did not have much to say as her thoughts now turned to the possibility presented by Charlotte, that Darcy was also experiencing something similar to herself. She was reminded of Jane's similar sentiments in her letter. She imagined that for Darcy, it could not be nearly as distressing as it was for her but it was reassuring to think of nonetheless. And more reassuring was the idea of letting time be the healer of all wounds (intended and unintended).
As she made her way back into the drawing room, her eyes found (too easily in her opinion) the man in question. Darcy was engaged in conversation with one of the guests and sensing that he was being watched, Darcy turned in her general direction and he spotted her.
He nodded in acknowledgement and looked back at his guest continuing the conversation. For the first time in a while Elizabeth felt more at ease with herself, her thoughts did not spiral and she felt more hope at this new attempt for her and Darcy to be more civil.
She joined Georgiana who was seated with other ladies and she put all thoughts of Darcy or their situation out of her mind.
The lunch progressed with the guests enjoying the hearty meal prepared by the Milfords' cook and also sharing trivial tales. Most focused on the exploits of other parishioners.
When one of the guests, Mrs Grey, shared a story that reminded Elizabeth of home, Elizabeth laughed and expressed her own familiarity with a similar tale about a parishioner at her local church. This effectively made her the subject of interest.
"Oh yes, you are from Hertfordshire?" asked Mrs Grey mid bite.
"Indeed," replied Elizabeth, hoping that would be the extent of Mrs Grey's curiosity.
Elizabeth tried not to look across to Mr Darcy who was seated adjacent to Charlotte who was at one end of the table while her husband was at the other as befitting the hosts. She did not want to know what he might think about her interjecting herself into the conversation. She may be Charlotte's friend but she was still a servant.
But it did not help that Mrs Grey was on the same side of the table as Darcy and with the small party, Elizabeth had no choice but to look in his general direction.
"How large is your parish? I can't imagine it being as large as ours," laughed Mrs Grey. It was well known that Mrs Grey was very proud of St John's. Even in her advanced age she actively participated in parish activities and if she travelled to see her numerous children in other parts of the country, she would always be heard upon her return appreciating the beauty of St John's "for there is nothing quite like it".
Admittedly, in size, St John's was larger than her home parish, St Mary's. But in terms of membership, the two were quite similar with Elizabeth suspecting St Mary's to edge out St John's slightly as it serviced a lot more parishioners. She knew though that Mrs Grey was only interested in the physical size of the building, not attendance of members.
Thankfully, Elizabeth was spared from providing an answer when another guest, Mrs Watson responded.
"Now, now Mrs Grey. Surely you cannot compete with the whole country for the title of best parish," she chuckled. "There are many aspects that one would regard important in making that determination. A parish could be small but have a vibrancy that the largest of churches cannot replicate," said Mrs Watson with an air of authority.
Elizabeth was not interested in the topic but was still grateful for not having to answer such an awkward question which was linked to her employer as the parish's patron and potentially his family had commissioned the building of the church. But Elizabeth's gratitude was short lived as Mrs Watson then turned to Elizabeth to make her own enquiries, not allowing Mrs Grey the opportunity to continue.
"You are quite young, Miss Bennet," Mrs Watson spoke matter of factly. "Did your parents not worry about you taking on a position so early in your life? I am sure there is a young gentleman or two that might have spared you the fate of a governess." Similar to Mrs Grey, Mrs Watson laughed at what she most likely thought was a humorous statement.
"Mrs Watson!" exclaimed Charlotte, once again saving Elizabeth from an awkward question. While Charlotte admonished Mrs Watson, Elizabeth took the time to look at Darcy to find him looking at her. His posture was relaxed and his features did not betray what he might have thought about Mrs Watson's line of enquiry. Elizabeth wished for the power to read minds.
"I am sure Miss Bennet misses home very much, Mrs Watson. Your questions will most likely add to her longing," said Mr Milford, no doubt trying to deflect or neutralise the topic.
"I meant no harm by it," said Mrs Watson looking put out.
"That is okay, Mrs Watson." Elizabeth finally spoke feeling she somehow needed to reassure Mrs Watson even though Elizabeth possibly deserved an apology from her for her impertinence. "I am fortunate to have parents who trust me to let me go and have a few adventures." Elizabeth offered a smile she did not feel. She knew she was exaggerating her parents' views on the matter but no one needed to know that.
"So you do not see yourself being married?"
Elizabeth immediately regretted opening her mouth. "It is not out of the question, but for now this is the path I am on and I will see it through for as long as life allows me," she responded with what she now thought might be a grimace rather than a grin.
"You have to be careful, my dear. Your youth will not last forever." Mrs Watson said the last few words with a sardonic chuckle.
Mr Watson joined in with his own comments about how unfortunate it was that we could not turn back time. From her periphery, Elizabeth saw Charlotte shake her head, most likely regretting adding some guests to the party. Across the table, Georgiana offered Elizabeth a smile.
Elizabeth grabbed her water glass and concentrated all her effort on drinking with grace to prevent betraying her annoyance. She had never had an issue with Mrs Watson prior to that afternoon but in that moment, she ranked amongst one of the most grating people she had ever met. Elizabeth had grown accustomed to questions about her future prospects in the marriage market. She never let them affect her views on the matter. People were always so curious when they could not possibly understand that her current situation was not a fate she desired. Admittedly, she could have settled for one of the men in her village but when had she ever been one to settle?
The conversation had ceased for a moment after Mr Watson concluded his monologue. Mrs Watson affirming with "exactly" or "my sentiments indeed".
"I think there is something admirable in what Miss Bennet has done." Darcy spoke softly but firm.
Elizabeth, who was midway through chewing, swallowed haphazardly. She looked once again at her employer. He was looking at Mrs Watson.
"She has been the governess of three households, including mine. She has crossed the Channel to work in France teaching young ladies English and music. And all of this before the age of five and twenty. Most of us here, save for Mr and Mrs Milford who travelled as far as India, have never left the country let alone our own parish."
Darcy maintained his gaze on Mrs Watson who had now turned slightly red.
"My sister, Georgiana, confided in me once that she had never met a braver woman than Miss Bennet for the sheer fact that Miss Bennet was willing to leave all that was familiar and pave her own way in a world we all know is not favourable to the fairer sex." Darcy looked at Georgiana with a warm smile as if remembering the conversation. Georgiana was smiling shyly and avoiding eye contact with any of the guests who had turned to look at her. She only glanced briefly towards Elizabeth who sat stockstill, staring at Darcy.
Darcy finally looked at her and his lips turned up slightly, whether from enjoying rendering her speechless or finding humour in the general situation, Elizabeth did not know.
"It is unfortunate society does not allow women to enjoy some of the privileges men do whether they are married or not but should a society like that ever exist, I think Miss Bennet would be just fine. Dare I say she would thrive."
All Elizabeth could do was to stare at her employer who also stared back as if (as was the case before this new normal) he was challenging her to say something. Elizabeth was pulled out of this state when Charlotte spoke. Charlotte also wore a look of surprise at Darcy's declaration.
"I concur," said Charlotte, her smile wide. She looked at Elizabeth looking pleased. "I have known Miss Bennet since we were children and I have never known anyone more tenacious and full of conviction."
After that, the conversation revolved around the many qualities that could set apart young ladies. Mrs Grey and Mrs Watson were pretty set on their ideas of how a young woman ought to act but this did not deter the other guests.
For Elizabeth, the rest of the lunch was a blur. She had many questions. Why would Darcy feel the need to defend her? Why would he go as far as to say he admired her actions?
Charlotte's statement that perhaps he was also trying in his own way to be civil came to mind but Elizabeth wondered if it was only civility that had him declaring admiration for her actions to become a governess.
For his part, Darcy did his best not to over analyse his actions. Was it chivalry? Or something more that had compelled him to go to such an extent of defending Elizabeth? He chose not to dwell too much on the prospect of what that something more could be.
The trio eventually departed later in the afternoon, extending their gratitude to the Milfords for the wonderful meal and overall good company. Darcy elected to assist Georgiana and Elizabeth into the carriage instead of the footman. When Georgiana had safely stepped into the carriage Darcy extended his hand towards Elizabeth. Elizabeth seemed to hesitate, looking briefly at his hand and then at his face. Only when she grasped his right hand with her left did he realise he was gloveless, not yet donning his gloves since he had finished shaking hands with the other male guests. Her glove prevented any true feeling from resonating at their point of contact but he knew that underneath that glove her skin was soft. He cast his mind to the time when she had assisted him with his burn. He had been thankful that the contact with cold water had helped him rationalise how his skin had reacted at the contact.
The moment of contact only lasted a few seconds and there was no warmth to savour but the mere contact settled something in Darcy. When Darcy took his seat he glanced at Elizabeth and found her studying him. She looked away quickly but seemed to rethink her action and looked back at him.
"That was very kind of you, sir."
"Do not mention it." He still did not know what to make of his own actions.
"Miss Bennet is correct, brother," said Georgiana. "Mrs Grey and Mrs Watson would not have let it go if you had not said anything."
Darcy had never been one to be comfortable at being praised and he could feel his neck warming up.
"Nevertheless, thank you." Elizabeth smiled and without missing a beat she started a thread of conversation that moved the topic away from Darcy's chivalry.
That night Elizabeth visited Darcy's dreams.
His dreams were always innocuous at first. He was in his greenhouse repotting one of his many plants. There was a noise behind him and he startled knocking the pot over, when he reached for it his hands collided with another pair that had also reached for the pot.
He looked up to see Elizabeth and when she laughed, he joined in. They both returned the now empty pot to the workbench and continued laughing at the messy state of their hands. Elizabeth then splashed some soil in his direction and ran off laughing. Darcy somehow caught up with her as she ascended the staircase in the entrance hall except now when their hands connected, they were no longer soiled. Elizabeth looked back at him and smiled, her eyes twinkling.
"You are late," she said.
"For what?" Darcy asked and instead of answering, Elizabeth took the last few steps down and began twirling around the hall in elaborate moves. There was now a crowd of faceless strangers watching them including the figures in the paintings hung above.
Darcy once again caught Elizabeth and she paused in her movements. She placed her arms gently around his neck and Darcy spun them around and around to a tuneless song until everything became a blur.
When Darcy woke up, as usual it took him a moment to find his bearings but once he did he was surprised at the lack of sweat coating his nightshirt. Typically, dreams involving Elizabeth caused dread to run in him but for the first time he was at ease. And most times he roused suddenly, as if being wrenched out of his sleep but this time he had opened his eyes naturally and enjoyed a moment in the inbetween state of being asleep and waking up while his valet, Carter, prepared his clothing for the morning.
"Good morning sir," said Carter when he spotted that his master was awake. As always he never made a scene of the state he found his master in.
Anticipation was the best word Darcy could use to describe how he viewed the rest of his day. He had to meet with his steward, Thorpe; then with a few tenants and labourers and finally, Elizabeth. He did not like to admit it but he knew which of these meetings he could attribute the anticipation to.
As he progressed through the day, he tried and failed to not think about the dream. The carefree nature of his and Elizabeth's dream selves. His dream self's eagerness to connect with her.
When he did finally find himself in front of Elizabeth, it took him a moment to reconcile the laughing and smiling version of her in his dream with the version that sat primly in front of him ready for their next discussion on the children's progress.
"That gooseberry pie was delicious was it not?"
He noticed Elizabeth's raised brow at his statement. Darcy knew he had taken her by surprise by starting with a non-related topic.
Elizabeth took a moment before responding. "Yes, indeed. It is one of Mrs Milford's cook's specialties." She offered a weak smile.
Darcy forged ahead. "If it would not offend Mrs Price, I would very much love the recipe."
Darcy felt a sense of satisfaction when Elizabeth chuckled.
"Unless you want to start searching for a new cook then that may not be wise."
"We can always claim it was something you discovered. Maybe a recipe from home that you had missed having?" Darcy marvelled at his ability to weave a conversation out of such a trivial thing as gooseberry pie and more so in a way that engaged Elizabeth.
Elizabeth drew back slightly at this and seemed uncertain as to how to proceed. Darcy did not let this deter him. He continued, "Admittedly, this may come to light if either the Milfords dine here and comment on how Mrs Price recipe tastes similar to their cook's or if Mrs Price's penchant to brag about her latest recipes was to eventually lead her to do so in the presence Mrs Milford's cook."
Elizabeth laughed without reservation and Darcy savoured the sound.
"I am glad you have anticipated the consequences of spinning a tale," a warm smile graced Elizabeth's lips. "I am afraid I may starve to death if she discovered I was part of such a ruse."
"Well then in that case I will just have to invite myself to lunch at the Milfords' every week."
"I will be sure to let Mrs Milford know to prepare when I next see her," said Elizabeth. The smile did not leave her face.
"And know that, though misguided, Mrs Watson and Mrs Grey mean well." It seemed right to acknowledge the awkward moment the previous day. Though she had thanked him for somewhat coming to her defence, they had not discussed the incident further
"It is not the first time I have been subjected to such scrutiny. You could say I have become something of an expert in dealing with all the questions and opinions."
Darcy could tell he had made her uncomfortable, if the way she fidgeted with her dress and looked anywhere but at him was anything to go by.
"I will however repeat my sentiments and thank you for what you said. I think you saved the meal." Elizabeth chuckled nervously.
Now it was Darcy's turn to feel uncomfortable. "Do not mention it." He cringed at repeating the same response as he had given yesterday. He still had not allowed himself to think of the meaning of coming to her rescue as he had done. He dreaded what such close analysis would uncover.
He also did not want to analyse his curiosity at her reasoning for becoming a governess. He had long pondered how she had found herself in this situation considering that with her beauty (and he had long ago had to begrudgingly accept that he admired her beauty), Elizabeth could have been married to a local gentleman who could have alleviated any financial strain her family had. He was not privy to her family's situation outside of the bare information Thorpe had gathered as part of her employment, including that their family's estate was entailed to the male line, but even with minimal information Darcy was aware of how most young ladies sought security through marriage or employment.
Thankfully Elizabeth saved him from further thoughts about her marital status when she spoke.
"Should I proceed with my report?"
"Before that, there was a topic I wanted to discuss with you." He rose, and moved to look out of the window. He was reminded of their interaction some nights ago when he had done similarly. Back then, he had been lost for what else to do but today, he needed to do so to redirect the nervous energy.
Admittedly, he could have discussed this after the formal part of their meeting had concluded but lately Darcy was prone to making decisions outside the norm.
"The children's birthday is coming up," he stated matter of factly. He remained staring out of the window.
"Miss Rosie can talk of nothing else," said Elizabeth. He couldn't resist and looked back to see her smiling fondly, possibly at a memory of his daughter expressing her eagerness at celebrating her birthday.
"I would not expect anything else from her," he chuckled. Darcy moved back to the desk and resolved to sit down to better convey what he wanted to share. "What I actually wanted to discuss was what I want to do for their birthday."
Elizabeth's once again raised brows only gave him the confidence to continue with laying out the plans that had formed since the renewed relationship with his children. Where before he might not have liked that Elizabeth would have doubted his interest for the wellbeing of his children, in that moment he relished the thought of surprising and subverting her expectations.
"I will need your help, of course," said Darcy, knowing Elizabeth would be the key to a successful celebration.
To say Darcy's request shocked Elizabeth would be an understatement. Throughout the rest of their meeting she had tried her best to not show any surprise or shock as she feared this would disarm him and making him doubt his plans. But hiding her shock and surprise did not mean she did not dwell on it when she was alone. Most shocking was how much he wanted to involve her in planning what could be regarded as a grand celebration of their eighth birthday.
No doubt it was designed for them to continue mending their fractured working relationship.
She put all these thoughts in a letter to Jane but had to scratch out a line where she expressed her scepticism at Darcy's ability to execute such a series of events. She felt it was a disservice to his efforts to express such sentiments considering his efforts of late.
As part of the plan though, Elizabeth was supposed to undertake an investigation of sorts to find out what the children were interested in doing. Despite Rosie being the enthusiastic one of the pair, when Elizabeth asked them if there was anything they wanted to do with their father, Rosie was quick to explain how Darcy would spend minimal time with the pair on their birthday, usually to wish them happy birthday and unwrap gifts.
Saddened but not shocked by this revelation considering the state of the relationship between father and children prior to the latest development, Elizabeth gave the children a challenge.
"How about we do this? Putting aside what your father may or may not have done in the past, why don't you both write down how you would like to celebrate your birthday."
"Even riding a horse or going to Lambton? Bessie always talks about the sweets in one of the shops!" As always Rosie was the first to accept a challenge.
Elizabeth smiled fondly. "You can write or draw anything you want."
Glancing at Archie and seeing his scepticism, Elizabeth added. "I am not promising anything for I can possibly only do a fraction of what you may want. I simply want to know what your best birthday would look like. What is your heart's desire?"
It took some time before Archie started writing anything but after some time the pair were engaged in a not-so-whispered conversation about what they wished for. Initially they had written separate lists but eventually these lists seemed to merge into one.
"Done!" exclaimed Rosie.
"Not yet!" countered Archie taking the list to finalise something.
"Take your time," said Elizabeth, coming to their workspace.
When Archie seemed satisfied he read over the page and then extended the list to Elizabeth. With various pages having been used as a combination of words and images, the papers had accumulated.
"This is wonderful! You have given me quite a bit to read as my homework. And as a reward for doing this so enthusiastically, I will let you have some free time," said Elizabeth, beaming at her charges for their ability to follow instructions.
The pair scrambled to their play corner not wasting any of their leisure time.
Elizabeth only briefly looked at some of the things on the list, chuckling at what she knew were Rosie's requests due to their elaborate nature. When the day concluded she decided to deliver the list to the person she knew was anticipating it. His excited energy had betrayed Darcy's attempt to be nonchalant about the plans.
When she arrived at his study, Elizabeth had initially meant to merely leave the papers at the door but when she found the door open, she proceeded inside to at least leave them on his table. Previously she would not have dared do so but Darcy had recently expressed how, if she ever had something to update him on, she was at liberty to leave things either outside his door or inside his study in the cases where he may have left his door open. It was one of the small improvements in their working relationship.
As she was exiting, one of the secret doors forming part of the bookshelf opened, drawing Elizabeth's attention.
"Miss Bennet," said Darcy.
"Sir!" exclaimed Elizabeth, jaw slightly slackening.
It was not the shock of his sudden appearance that rendered her speechless but rather his state of dress. She had seen him without a coat before in the rare moments where he was doing tasks around the estate but on this particular occasion, the lack of a coat coupled with the rolled sleeves of his shirt made for quite the image.
"How can I be of help?" said Darcy, giving her a small smile. He stood behind his desk with one arm at his hip and the other holding the back of his chair. This did not help Elizabeth's imagination.
Elizabeth cleared her throat and scrambled for what to say. Thankfully she spotted the children's list which reoriented her mind.
"The list!" She paused, noting her high pitched tone. She attempted to speak once more. "The children compiled the list of what they would like to do for their birthday. I decided to bring it to you so you can peruse in advance of our meeting this week."
"Excellent," said Darcy. He chuckled when he realised the number of pages. "This is quite the list."
Elizabeth laughed nervously as well for lack of something better to do. She was trying not to be distracted by Darcy. How had she never noticed that men's forearms could be so striking? And why are you thinking that? She admonished herself.
To prevent her treacherous thoughts from leaping any further, Elizabeth attempted to excuse herself.
"You can stay," said Darcy, taking a seat at his desk and extending his hand to indicate for Elizabeth to take a seat in the chair she usually occupied during their meetings. "We might as well knock two birds with one stone as they say. Considering the sheer volume of requests from my dear children, a head start will be good."
He missed Elizabeth's apprehension as she took her seat. She was thankful that her point of view once seated was no longer directly focused on the more enticing features of his upper body.
For his part, Darcy was quite absorbed in his children's list. He did a quick peruse to make sense of the number of pages before he started going through each item meticulously.
Elizabeth was trying and failing to not be surprised at Darcy's eagerness to execute his plan for his children's birthday but she was not going to reveal this to him. However, she chose to follow his lead and indulge in the children's wishes. "Rosie certainly had a lot to contribute. Although Archie was not too far behind. I saw him scribbling just as much as his sister."
Darcy chuckled (something Elizabeth noticed he did a lot lately), "Rosie can be surprisingly persuasive, or should I say motivational."
Elizabeth only smiled fondly, glad to have something innocuous to fix her mind on as she reminisced on the truth in Darcy's statement.
The pair proceeded to go through each item on the list. Darcy went as far as to categorise the items into sections; what he deemed feasible to do for this present birthday, what he believed he could do in future birthdays and what he reasoned himself that even if he moved heaven and earth he could not do.
"I can certainly instruct Mrs Price to bake lemon cakes but I do not see us being able to 'eat only lemon cakes for every meal for a day'," said Darcy. He laughed, a rarity in front of Elizabeth. When he noticed Elizabeth looking, he passed it off as a cough. Elizabeth bit her lip to hide her smile at his attempt to hide his joy. "Rosie is quite the entertainer. She gets it from her mother."
Elizabeth, who had been writing her own notes, looked back at Darcy. This was the first time she could recall him mentioning his late wife in front of her. And she would be lying if she did not admit that she was curious. But even the most curious part of her could not be tempted enough to ask what she so desperately wanted to know: "What was she like?"
Darcy did not look at Elizabeth and instead continued to speak about the other activities listed. But the moment of levity had evaporated.
"Is this all they listed?" said Darcy, breaking a long moment of silence where Darcy had intently focused on reading the listed items while Elizabeth sat awkwardly not knowing how to break said silence.
"I believe so," said Elizabeth. She knew Darcy may have been looking for a way to dismiss her considering the moment that had just passed. "Will you need further assistance from-."
Elizabeth then spotted some scribbling at the back of the page Darcy was holding. "I think there may be some more writing on the back of that page." The statement sounded more like a question as she could not quite make out the words.
Curiously, Darcy turned over the page and if before he had become more reserved after his comment about his late wife, now the easy smile that had graced his lips as he read his children's words receded to be replaced by the stoic and indifferent Darcy that Elizabeth had forgotten existed. But unlike the version of him she had known in the past, this time there was a sense of sadness emanating from Darcy.
"What is it, sir?" asked Elizabeth, concerned.
Darcy looked at Elizabeth, unseeing. He did not respond but instead rose from his seat with the paper in his hands. As was his habit, he moved to the window and stood staring out to the estate grounds beyond.
Confused by this change, Elizabeth thought it best to dismiss herself. As she reached the door, Darcy spoke.
"'See the place where Mama's resting'."
Elizabeth did not need him to repeat that sentence to know that it had been the words he read from the list. Her hand covered her mouth in a moment of shock. Of all the things the children would have listed, she could have never guessed at this.
"Judging from the writing I think it was Archie that wrote this particular wish." Darcy sighed deeply.
Elizabeth could only stare. Usually so adept at navigating situations, she was lost for what to say or do. His initial comment about his late wife had not been intended and yet here was another reminder about his late wife, this time expressed as a wish by his children.
She had gleaned a portrait of Mrs Darcy sitting on Darcy's desk along with a painting of her that was in the gallery holding the family paintings. And beyond Mrs Reynolds' comment when Elizabeth first started that Mrs Darcy had passed away there had not been much mention of Mrs Darcy among the servants. Elizabeth commended Mrs Reynolds and Mr Mason for their running of the household such that the servants did not gossip about their master and his family (at least not in front of her).
The only other source of information had been Charlotte who had been told the information by Mrs Grey. During one of Elizabeth's Sunday afternoon visits when Elizabeth and Darcy were still at odds, Elizabeth had jokingly expressed how surprised she was that any woman would bring herself to marry him.
"If it's any consolation, I think it was an arranged marriage. I don't think Mrs Darcy had much of a say."
"That definitely makes a lot of sense," said Elizabeth.
"You are terrible, Lizzie."
"What?" said Elizabeth feigning innocence before joining Charlotte in laughter. After regaining control of themselves, Elizabeth continued. "I just hate that her children do not get to grow up with their mother. They are such brilliant children."
Charlotte nodded.
Ever the curious one, Elizabeth had then asked what she had not had the opportunity to ask before. "This is terrible of me, but there is no one in the household who I could ask that will not tell Mrs Reynolds or Mr Mason or worse Mr Darcy-."
"Do I know how she passed away?"
Elizabeth was grateful for her friend's intuition. She simply nodded.
Charlotte took a moment. "I am not one to repeat what I deem to be gossip, especially when it is coming from Mrs Grey, but in conversation Mrs Grey mentioned that it was during childbirth."
There had not been much to say after that. Elizabeth was well aware of the ever present threat that childbirth presented for women in society. It did not matter how poor or wealthy a woman was, the dangers presented were the same for everyone. It was a wonder her mother had managed to do it five times over. It was a greater wonder that she was around to see her children grow to womanhood.
Elizabeth had not thought much about that conversation until now. What she remembered now was the sorrow she felt afterwards at thinking about how Archie and Rosie had most likely never been held by their mother. And this was compounded by thoughts of how they did not really have a relationship with their surviving parent. To now come to realise that they (or atleast Archie) harboured a secret wish to see their mother's resting place, only added to that sorrow.
Perhaps she should have kept her mouth shut but somehow Elizabeth felt compelled to explain the situation. A selfish part of her did not want to be somehow blamed for this. misinterpreted these words as being directed at her. Once again she was about to defend her honour lest she be accused of being incompetent, as had been the case in their previous encounters.
"Please understand, sir, that I have not said anything about their mother. I did not realise that that was one of their wishes. Otherwise-."
"Otherwise you would have what?" asked Darcy. There was no emotion behind the words besides resignation and a sense of disappointment. He did not look at her but instead focused on the paper in his hands. "This is not your fault, Miss Bennet."
There was a long moment of silence punctuated only by the sounds of nature emanating from outside.
"I think that is all for tonight," said Darcy.
There was no question this time that she had been dismissed.
Before leaving, Elizabeth turned once more to look at Darcy. She was not privy to his thoughts but for the first time since coming into his and his children's lives, Elizabeth appreciated that all she thought she had understood about father and children was miniscule compared to what truly lay beneath. It was an especially sobering realisation that Darcy carried a much heavier burden than she had ever had reason to imagine.
A/N: Phew that was a lot (For me anyway considering the time between chapters)! Overall, I hope you enjoyed. I had to cut it off because this chapter was outlined to span until christmas time but had to cut it off so I can at least post. Hope the pace is okay though as I have a large chunk of time to cover and don't want to make this a 40 chapter story (tempting as that may be). I am just wanting to lean into all the interactions that can justify the end game we know (and hopefully want).
Random thoughts I wanted to share. Whenever I write this story I always go on a bit of a history lesson re fashion, etiquette, cuisine or even architecture. I am not really looking for corrections but just to contextualise some of the writing process
a) I tried to look into whether children would have had exercise books for their lessons but most points were about poorer children and their education. Paper was apparently expensive so chalk and slate it was. But I would like to think with Darcy's wealth, the children could afford paper. So apologies if there was any historical inaccuracy when referencing their school resources
b) Had to do some research re the actual mural at Chatsworth (which is the estate I use as inspo for Pemberley as per the 2005 drama because hello! that scene when Elizabeth first sees it!). As the painting was finished in 1692 and this story would be set in the early 1800s, I googled the number of generations within a century (give or take) and Dr Google said usually families have 4 generations in a century, so hence the great grandfather reference. The rest of the dialogue is modelled on info from this random website I came across (should you be interested in some art history) /issue9/a-new-golden-age-politics-and-mural-painting-at-chatsworth/
c) But the redecoration point is me making shit up coz I would like to think some things would be added etc
d) The church/parish names are made up because I could not really find any sites referencing if Austen's characters ever mentioned actual church names in her books. So I was a bit lazy to think of names for Elizabeth's home church and settled for what you just read (hahaha) which apparently may match the name of some of the locations used in the adaptations
e) With the lunch scene, I was tempted to write Elizabeth as per P&P (film version), in terms of her being sarcastic right back but this Elizabeth is a bit more restricted in my perspective. Everything she does is a reflection of Darcy and as we know they are still building the foundations of a new working relationship. So in my head Elizabeth would very much like to give her two cents as she did with Lady Sybil in a way in earlier chapters but with Darcy present, she tried hard to remember her place (lol)
Also found this interesting site which articulated how guests sat at the table , So many rules!
Also generally, I realised I may be interchangeably using "Lizzie" and "Lizzy". As its now something I am conscious of I will try to maintain the "Lizzie" spelling
See you for the next one (hopefully it won't be too much of a gap in time).