Love never dies,
It spreads and grows.
Love never leaves you alone.
Mother, you showed me
That nothing could stop me.
Mother, you taught me
To never stop fighting.
Zee channeled her emotions in the song, letting her voice fill the loaded silence that had followed Jim's reading.
Despite her musical career, Zee never felt comfortable singing a cappella in front of strangers. This time though, she was doing it for Jim. For him, she could do just anything. Besides, Zee wasn't particularly fond of prerecorded bases, and not hiding behind her precious guitar for once had the advantage of leaving her hand free to hold Jim's.
I'll keep walking ahead,
But I can't help looking back.
My instinct tells me to run away,
But I know that path will lead me astray.
What should I do?
Where should I go?
Will I ever feel loved again?
Jim's fingers were cold intertwined with Zee's, and his palm was still sweaty after he'd been at the center of attention minutes ago while reading the eulogy. She kept singing and squeezing his hand, hoping the affectionate gesture would infuse warmth into his heart.
Zee was well aware that it was a bit of a stretch to dedicate this song full of unconditional love and respect to Karen Street on the day of her funeral. These notes and words poured out of Zee's soul a few years ago, after the loss of her own mother, and had been a balm to her wounds then. Today, she knew the effect on Jim would be less soothing, though in a weird way, the lyrics could still connect with his soul and maybe help in his grief.
Singing this, Zee was not making her dedication to Karen, she was making it to Jim; hoping he could see what a strong and brave man he was. Hoping to make him feel less alone and lost.
Mother, all you had,
All you gave me,
I'll remember.
All I've gained,
All I've learned,
I'll hold tight to my chest.
In the good, in the bad,
In heaven and hell.
I've grown and learned,
And I owe you all that.
Jim didn't owe his mother a single thing. Hadn't it been for Buck, Nate, and Luca and the other SWAT members—Zee knew everything about Jim's past though she didn't know half of these people—he would never have known what family meant. Karen had not offered her son much more than pain, trust issues, and scars—physical and emotional ones. For all Zee knew of her, the only good thing the woman had ever done in her entire existence was to give Jim the gift of life, bringing him into this world. Zee's same world. And Zee felt obliged to Karen for that.
In a twisted sense, Jim's mother did teach him quite some valuable lessons, though Jim had learned them the hard way. It was true that all he had to go through due to her choices had shaped him into the extraordinary man he was now, a man Zee very much loved and didn't know how she'd been able to stay away from all these years. But should she really be grateful to Karen for that?
While she sang on, Zee glanced at Jim at her side, their fingers still threaded together. She'd made the right choice by not adjusting the lyrics for the occasion nor writing something new. Jim had done a wonderful job with his eulogy, choosing for himself what insight into his inner world to give in public. Of course, it was not the great public here, just Jim's inner circle of friends, and what Zee felt looking around was a solemn sense of privacy and unity.
Jim's SWAT team—in their work clothes just like in the pictures Luca had shown Zee one of the few times they'd met—had arrived shortly after the ceremony had started. An old recording of Brian Adams' Summer of '69 played in the background, and while they silently settled across from Jim and Zee, Karen's casket in the middle, Zee had noticed mixed emotions dancing in Jim's eyes.
Zee had kept a close eye on Jim throughout the whole celebration, trying to decipher his every gesture and look. He'd been strong and composed all along, appreciative of his friends' gestures. Tan had brought incense and paper representation of some objects to burn, following a Chinese tradition, and Chris had brought white roses to lay on the casket. The senior members of the team had given their silent support, and it didn't escape Zee that Deacon must have been praying to himself for Karen's soul and probably for Jim's too.
All those little gestures had been touching.
Then it had come the time for Jim to read aloud the eulogy he'd written, and the nerves had come back to him, stiffening his body and causing his voice to slightly shake. Luca and the others had stood their ground, their presence tangible but respectful. Eventually, the gratitude for them showing up for him when no one else had shown up for his mother won. Word after word about his mom's life, her fights, her wins, and her losses, Jim's body had relaxed. With his voice stronger, Jim had shown how he was starting to believe she was at peace and could finally rest in a way she'd never had a chance to.
And maybe he could be at peace, too, now. At least for a little while before Zee herself would destroy his serenity once more. Guilt had gripped at Zee's heart and laced Jim's last words, though none of this was his fault.
He deserved peace and joy.
Jim had loved his mother a great deal—probably more than he should have—despite everything, despite wanting to hate her at times. He'd done anything in his power to help her, going so far as donating a part of himself in a risky surgery to give her one last chance. Chance she shamelessly threw away, and to Zee, who will never have that last chance for herself and her family, that was the highest crime of all. But she wasn't here to judge Karen. She was here to support Jim.
She'd taken Jim's hand the moment he'd put away the sheet of paper he'd written and read, then started to sing and kept going while fighting her own swirling feelings.
Love never dies,
It spreads and grows.
Love never leaves you alone.
Zee observed Jim's team across from them. His real family aside from her and Jamie. Jim had love in his life. Gratitude exploded in her chest. He would never be alone, not even after— Tears sprang to her eyes, but she fought them back and kept singing her soul out.
Mother, my heart can still be full
Although and because I'll never forget about you.
Through the cracks,
through the holes,
Through the pain and beyond.
I'll miss you, I know,
Always wondering what could have been more.
But I know you're at peace,
And I'll make you proud of me.
Jim stiffened beside her, his hand shaking in hers. Half of the lines in these few last strophes were hard to apply to his twisted relationship with his mom. The other half were awkwardly almost too spot-on.
One more reason Zee had chosen this song was to help Jim feel his pain, to help him come undone, then stitch his heart back together.
Of course, she'd made the definitive choice of singing while convinced they would be alone with the chaplain while his team was on shift. When they showed up, she'd asked herself if this was indeed the right time and place for Jim to hit rock bottom and start healing and eventually decided to not back out.
Jim needed to learn to show his inner turmoil to them because at the next funeral, he would only have them to rely on. So, firm in her choices, Zee squeezed Jim's hand tight and sang the returnee one last time.
Love never dies,
It spreads and grows.
Love never leaves you alone.
As she took a deep breath to center herself once she finished, Zee noticed Hondo taking out his phone while the other members of the team all touched their pockets and glanced at him. Hondo's grim face said it all, and words were not needed. They all nodded their respect, and Jim locked eyes with them all in turn. Chris's gaze lingered on Jim's a bit longer than the others before turning to Zee, a storm brewing under the surface. Zee was thankful for that protectiveness and tried to silently communicate with her that Jim was in good hands.
Then they were gone, sliding discreetly away the same way they'd arrived. This time, it would be Zee's turn to make Jim feel whole, at least for a little while. And then she would break him again and leave his friends to help him pick up the pieces.
… … …
"I need to thank you, Zee."
Jim's quiet voice shook Zee out of her thoughts, which scattered from past to future. Both of them had been deep in their inner worlds during the whole drive to the beach, and this was the first time Jim opened his mouth since the service ended.
With a deep breath, Zee forced herself to focus on the present. "I did nothing big, my 'Shine. You're the one shouldering all the burden."
She and Jim walked hand in hand, the ocean lapping at their bare feet while their shoes waited for them back in the car. Looking down at their footprints in the sand, she got a glance at their legs and had to smile. They were both too elegant for the setting, but at least her sensible dress was still short enough not to get soaked in the ocean. Jim, on the contrary, had to improvise cuffs to his suit pants' legs to prevent salt water and sand from ruining them. Not stylish, maybe, but what he seemed he needed.
"You're doing a lot for me. You sang that beautiful song," Jim pressed on, his voice tinged with affection. "And you keep listening to my ramblings. Thank you for all this, and for just being here." He took their joined fingers to his lips for a lingering moment. "For holding my hand. Holding me together."
Jim had held her together more times than Zee could count years ago during their handful of months as a young couple as well as in the last period since they'd reconnected. This was the bare minimum.
"I had my fair share of losses." Zee put up a smile despite the tears threatening to be shed at the thought of all the people she lost in the span of a few years. "My shares of funerals to organize. I know how support for those you love is important."
"I do love you. You know, right?"
Zee's heart stuttered. Her love for Jim and his for her was a balm to both of them now. What about in a few months? How good will that do him then?
"It had been nice of Luca and the others to make an appearance despite being on duty," she said. Jim needed all their support, and now Zee knew they would give it to him regardless of the situation that'll hit him.
He only had to accept it.
Jim kept walking, looking ahead. "I didn't expect them to come at all."
"Because that other team came up with food poisoning and yours had been called in to substitute them on a supposedly free day" —Zee studied him closely— "or because you didn't ask them to?"
Though Jim hadn't tried to hide anything from his team, he had done more than simply not asking them to come to his mom's funeral. He'd conveniently avoided talking about its date with them altogether. And he would have successfully pulled it through with his omission if he hadn't been forced to call himself out from today's last-minute-imposed shift and tell his boss and teammates the reason why.
And since Jim then had still not volunteered the specifics about the ceremony, Luca had asked her. Zee was glad she'd told them, though, grateful that they'd managed to come after all.
"I didn't know they wanted to come. My mom…" Jim shrugged. "Let's just say half of them were not fans of her."
"They weren't there for your mom. They were there for you. They love you."
"I—"
Zee stopped strolling and tugged lightly on Jim's arm. Being the reason why Jim chose to close his friends off his life was the last thing she wanted. "Do you regret keeping this—us—from them?"
"No." Jim faced her and took both her hands in his, his eyes darkening in a storm. "I don't know. It's the best thing for everyone, right? The right thing for them?"
They'd discussed it. She would not be here for long, and it wasn't fair to let those lovely people come close to her just to abandon and betray them all too soon. And if they didn't know her, it would be easier for them to back Jim up when she left. Easier for them to hate her for what she was doing to him.
Because anger was easier to deal with than sadness, and blaming her was easier than blaming fate or simply accepting life was not fair. She knew it well since she'd been angry at Dillon for far too long.
A couple of years after their marriage, her husband was supposed to have his last tour as an army doctor before taking a permanent position at Charleston Central Hospital, where he already used to work in-between missions treating veterans. Zee knew it had not been his fault he never came back from overseas, but still, in the depth of her mingled heart, she had blamed him for a long while.
Dillon had chosen his wife and daughter, yet he'd not been able to maintain his promise and return to them. It had been excruciating for Zee, and what Jim was going through now was even worse. His mother had deliberately chosen drugs over him, unable to appreciate the selfless gift he'd given her. It was not the same, and Jim had every reason to be angry at Karen, but will he resent Zee the way Zee had resented Dillon? Will he manage to eventually go past that and come out of his grief like she did? If his mixed feelings for his mom's loss were any indication, the next few months would be a nightmare for Jim, and Zee hated to be responsible for that.
"We're doing the right thing. Yeah." Zee heaved a sigh, her chest aching. That keep-the-distance plan had flown out the window the minute Luca had walked in on her afternoon with Jim and they'd taken an instant liking to each other, but she still clung to it.
Jim tugged on her hands and drew her into his embrace. "Okay."
"Or maybe not." Tears sprang at Zee's eyes, but she fought them. "I don't know either."
Jim huffed out a humorless chuckle, resting his forehead to hers. "We're such a mess."
"That we are." She relished his warm touch, but the world didn't stop spinning. "So you changed your mind? You want to include them?"
"I don't know. I'll still have to keep your secret from them until Jamie knows, and—"
"And keeping them at arm's length is easier than letting them close and omit such a huge thing, I know."
There was silence for a few beats longer before Jim let out a long breath. "I can't do this now, honey. I just—"
"I know. I'm sorry." Zee laid a lingering kiss on Jim's lips, wishing to alleviate his turmoil. And hopefully hers, too. "You've been so brave today."
He scoffed, and they resumed walking. "Tell my teammates how brave I am, here safe in my gorgeous girlfriend's arms while they're out there saving the day."
"They know this is not easy on you. And I'm sure they're as proud of you as I am."
Jim centered himself with a deep breath before self-consciously changing the subject. "It turned out to be a nice ceremony, after all. Thanks to you all. A little less depressing than being just the chaplain and me standing there awkwardly just for the sake of doing it."
"And you got to read the eulogy to someone. You did a great job with that," Zee said, her mind drifting away before she could rein it in. "It was an intense moment to share."
Zee had started wondering about her own funeral right after leaving Jim and LA to go back to Charleston and her parent's care. She'd been fully convinced her time in this world was coming to an end and couldn't relax even after her surgery had been a success.
Little did she know she would have to organize three other funerals before her own.
Dillon had been the first one to pass away. His military burial had been official, stiff, and almost surreal. There had been tons of people to mourn him and try to support her, almost all strangers to her, from Dillon's army buddies to his patients and colleagues, but it had been too much on Zee and her baby daughter.
The same had happened with Zee's father one year after that and with her mother after another two years, which left Zee with no other blood ties aside from Jamie. Her parents had been respected and loved by many in their community, so much so that the show of condolences and platitudes had been unstoppable in both cases.
Zee was grateful for that safety net she'd had, but at the same time, back then had felt the lack of privacy to mourn her loved ones and take care of her little girl's pain as well as her own.
That was why, witnessing Karen's unusual ceremony today, casual and intimate with selected people to support Jim, Zee decided she wanted something closer to that for her own funeral and to help Jamie deal with her grief.
Unfortunately, the first step to cushion the devastating blow Jamie was about to receive was to tell her the truth. But preparing her for her upcoming loss would mean destroying her innocence way too soon, and Zee wasn't ready to do that. She already hated enough that, as Jamie's mother of all people, she couldn't protect her little girl from the ugliness and injustice of the world.
Jim's reaction to his mom's death was proof that it wasn't smart to delay the inevitable. He expected his mom to screw up, yet he'd been shocked she did. But Zee couldn't crush her precious girl's soul just yet, tainting their last moments together with fear. She wouldn't tell her before it was strictly necessary.
Zee wasn't ready to go but was prepared to take all responsibilities into her hands. She wanted an intimate and sweet ceremony and would give clear instructions to make it celebrative instead of sad and oppressive. Jamie would have to remember the good moments and feel the love of the only family remaining to her—her late father's sister with her husband and children, and of course, Jim. Zee knew that despite his pain, Jim would be strong for the little girl.
It was unfair to put the man she loved through all this so soon, but at least Jim's teammates would be there for him. They demonstrated as much today.
How unfair was it to let them get close to her only to say goodbye in a little while? To have them split their heart between supporting Jim and mourning her?
"Where did you just go?" Jim asked, squeezing her hand. "I thought I was the one getting lost in his mind a bit too much."
"What's that Chinese tradition again?" Zee asked before she could stop herself. "About burning those paper objects?"
"Tan mentioned it to me while I was organizing the funeral. I didn't expect him to actually have his mom go to Chinatown to grab all those things at the last minute, though."
"It was sweet of him and her both."
"That's what I told him. On point, too. They didn't know my mom at all, yet they brought her all things she would have liked." Jim smiled, though it didn't reach his eyes. "You see, the tradition is about burning those paper representations so the ones who pass will have all they need and love in the afterlife."
"Do you think…" Zee forced her voice not to shake under the unexpected weight of her next words and the sudden thought of her precious little girl soon having to go through what Jim was going through now. "Do you think they make paper guitars too? I'd like that… When—"
"Hey, look at me." Jim stopped short, tugging her to face him with both her hands in his.
"I think Jamie would find comfort in this tradition when the time comes—"
Jim hugged her tight and spoke softly in her ear. "Everything is gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay."
Zee took a moment to compose herself, then pushed back just enough to look him in the eyes. She put on a brave smile and rested a hand on his clean-shaven cheek, her thumb caressing his skin. "I'm so sorry, my 'Shine, this is not about me. You have a lot on your plate already."
"Everything is about you," Jim said, leaning into her touch.
"It shouldn't be."
"I want it to be."
"It's a dangerous path, and you know it."
"I don't care." He wiped a stray tear from her cheek while a mirroring one escaped from his. "I put myself into dangerous situations every day. It's what I do for a living."
"You need a pause from danger. And all the more a pause from all this hurt." She smiled a wet smile. "Right now, you need to focus on yourself and grieve for your mother's loss. Need to feel it to let it go. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about."
"Then maybe you can tell me how I'm supposed to feel because I'm at a loss here."
Feeling faint from the force of the emotions exploding in her chest, Zee tugged Jim away from the shoreline and moved to sit on the soft, dry sand. He gently stopped her, took his jacket off to put it under her, and led her to sit down, tucking her body into his.
Always thoughtful. Caring. How wouldn't anyone love him?
"It was not your fault, Jim." As his body tensed, Zee knew she'd hit the mark, so she went on despite him not looking at her, "What happened to your mother is not your fault. You did all you could to help her. To love her."
"Did I?" Jim shook his head. "I keep thinking that maybe if I had been more present, or if I'd checked on her more after the transplant…"
A pang of guilt darted across Zee's body. He'd spent all his free time with her in the last few weeks. What if he'd distracted him, stolen away the last moments with his mom?
"I didn't mean that," he said as if reading her mind while stroking a hand along her stiff back until she relaxed again. "It wouldn't have mattered what was going on in my life. I would have kept my distance from her anyway. I made that decision the moment I agreed to the donation. I thought that way, I would have protected myself. And look where that strategy led me."
Zee snuggled closer to Jim, trying to infuse her warmth into his battered soul. There was nothing she could say to make him feel better, so she let him dictate the pace of the conversation.
"Am I just being selfish now? Selfish thinking her death gave me more peace than it gave her?"
And am I being selfish for hating a woman I didn't even know for inflicting so much damage to the second person I love more than my own life? Zee thought but kept it for herself. Instead, she pushed away just a bit and forced Jim to look at her.
Waiting for a couple beats before speaking, she said, "You did the most selfless gesture donating her a literal part of yourself. It was her choice to throw it away, and you couldn't have possibly made her change her mind, hard as you'd tried. There is no sense in digging up all the what-ifs and buts. She's gone, Jim. And it's not your fault." Zee paused again to let that sink in. "You deserve people who love you unconditionally. I'm so sorry your mom and dad couldn't be that for you." And I'm devastated that I can't be that person for long either, she added in her mind. "But it's not your fault as much as it isn't your responsibility. Never has been."
Jim shivered, then forced himself to relax, shifting his gaze to the ocean and letting the crashing and whooshing waves fill the silence around them.
"What if I say I am a little angry?" He said, at last, while gazing at the horizon. "At the situation and at her. I don't want to be. I don't want to resent her. And maybe she could have done it sooner and differently, but she still saved my life from my father's abuse. She still… I've spent so much time wanting her to simply love me. For her to give me something she simply couldn't. And now… I can't help asking myself what I did wrong."
These words almost undid Zee, and she looked up at the sun, hoping it would dry her tears. There and then, she silently vowed to show Jamie how much she loved her every minute of every day she still had on Earth. She could not help but eventually abandon her precious girl, but she would do all humanly possible to make her understand nothing of this is her fault and that she didn't do anything to deserve this terrible pain.
"It's okay to be angry. None of this is fair," she said to Jim at last.
"What if I'm a little angry at myself too?" He shook his head lightly and pressed on before she could tell him once more it wasn't his fault. "Not for something I could have done to save her, but for believing in her, even if just a little bit."
Zee stroked his arm, letting him talk freely without interrupting his train of thought.
"She fooled me again. I let myself hope that she would take last chance at a better life seriously. That she would… I've been an idiot. Chris warned me, and I told her I knew what my mom was trying to do, but I was a complete fool."
"No, Jim. You're not a fool." Zee fought back her tears. "You need to forgive yourself for being human and not close your heart for good only because you think that way you'll protect it. It doesn't work like that." She smiled a sad smile. "When I left you years ago, it was because I thought I was dying. I thought I would protect you and myself at the same time. And when I didn't die, a part of me wouldn't let go of the fear and protectiveness. I couldn't truly live."
Jim squeezed her hand, and Zee squeezed back, taking from him the courage to keep talking.
"I didn't want to fall in love again, and surely, I didn't want to bring another human into this world, knowing I wouldn't be able to be the mother they deserved. Not for too long, if at all. But let me tell you something, my 'Shine." Zee wiped away a stray tear. "Although I wouldn't have fathomed the pain of Dillon leaving me first, and although I had not predicted how truly suffocating it would be this guilt I feel for abandoning Jamie Lee to herself in such a short while, I would never change anything. Not a single moment with the two of them." She leaned into Jim's embrace, her chest exploding. "And I don't know if I'm being selfish or what, but I would not change anything about us either."
Jim leaned away to look her in the eyes. "Neither would I."
"That's why I hope these last precious moments with you and Jamie will make an impact. That they will be enough for you two to go on when I'm gone. That the pain I'm going to inflict on you will be worth it at least a little bit."
Jim laid a soft kiss on Zee's temple. "I'm most grateful for you being back in my life. Every second with you is worth it."
"But if you'll need to be angry at me after—"
"Please, no."
"If that's what you'll feel, it will be okay. It will be better than blaming yourself." She shifted in his arms to face him and made an effort to curve her lips up. "Jim, I'm sorry. You did nothing to deserve all this. You did nothing wrong. And regarding your mom, it was not your job to make her love you." She kissed him softly on the cheek, then locked eyes with him once again. "It has never been your job and never will be to make someone love you. My 'Shine, you're a caring, kind, and brave man. You have a beautiful soul the words need to see. Just being yourself is enough, and anyone would be lucky to have you in their life. I need you to believe that."
Jim shook his head.
"I need you to believe me, then. Can you do that? Do you trust me?"
He didn't respond with words but simply kissed her—a tender, I-give-you-all-myself kind of kiss. One that made Zee's heart threaten to break there and then. Jim didn't deserve this. The last thing she wanted to do was harm him, yet she was laying the bases to do just that.
-o- -o- -o-